|
RELIGIOUS JOKES (updated Monday 15th March 2010 06:00:01 EDT)
DESERTED ISLAND
Two men were deserted on an island. One man was pacing back
and forth, back and forth. He was crying. "We're never
getting off this island!! All my relatives are gonna blow all
my money that I've worked so hard for. I'm a millionare ya
know!"
The other man just sat there and looked at the man and said,
"Yes, I'm a millionare too."
The man that was pacing just stared then finally asked,
"You're not scared that your family's gonna blow it all, and
that we're gonna die on this island?"
The man responded, "No, I'm not gonna die on this island.
You see, I go to church, and my pastor's gonna find me!"
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 06:00:01
DID GOD MAKE ME?
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she
asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God
make me too?"
"Yes, God made you," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror,
while her grandfather wondered what was running through her
mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job
lately."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 06:00:01
PRAYER
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100 percent at work... 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.
And help me to remember that... When I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.
Added: Friday 5th March 2010 06:00:01
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.
Added: Monday 1st March 2010 12:00:01
HIPPIE AT THE GATES
A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and
says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell."
The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
"God!" he says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"
God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."
Added: Sunday 28th February 2010 12:00:01
FRIAR FLORISTS
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop!
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 23rd February 2010 12:00:01
A SERMON ABOUT LYING
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Added: Tuesday 23rd February 2010 00:00:01
GOD'S TIME AND MONEY
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
He replied, "1 second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 22nd February 2010 18:00:01
MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St.Peter replied. "Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it."
Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request, St.Peter replied,"Sorry, you must wait another five years."
Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake. They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.
"WHAT!?" St.Peter asked. "It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a 'lawyer'?".
Added: Monday 22nd February 2010 06:00:01
GRAND DELUSIONS
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 22nd February 2010 00:00:01
ARE YOU REALLY JESUS?
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus
Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother.
She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His
father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks
him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer
his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in
an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum
takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims,
"Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
Added: Thursday 18th February 2010 18:00:01
AUSSIE CRICKET FAN
An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'
Added: Sunday 14th February 2010 06:00:01
POPES WILL
The pope's funeral continues. They keep coming up with these new facts all the time.
I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public.
I didn't know that he had a will. The surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology.
Added: Friday 12th February 2010 18:00:01
HEALTH INSURANCE
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 11th February 2010 00:00:01
STANDING AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Added: Tuesday 9th February 2010 18:00:01
LOCH NESS MONSTER AND THE ATHEIST
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy
flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred
feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to
swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung
in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I
thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just
seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster
either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change
hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have
the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.
"God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this
food You have so graciously provided . . ."
Added: Sunday 7th February 2010 12:00:01
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Added: Wednesday 3rd February 2010 18:00:01
THE BLIND MAN IS HERE
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."
Added: Wednesday 3rd February 2010 00:00:01
AUNT
A man is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the pope is on the same flight.
"This is exciting,"he thinks.
"Perhaps I’ll get to see him in person."
Amazingly, the pope sits down next to him for the flight, but the man is too shy to speak to the pontiff.
Shortly after takeoff, the pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," the man thinks. "Maybe he’ll ask me for help."
Almost immediately, the pope turns to the man and says, "Do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman ending in ‘unt’?"
Only one word leaps to mind. "Oh, gosh," the man thinks. "I can’t tell the pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thinks for a while, then it hits him.
Turning to the pope, he says, "I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’"
"Of course," says the pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazling
Added: Monday 1st February 2010 06:00:02
PRAY FOR GIFTS
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Saturday 30th January 2010 12:00:01
LET HIM BELIEVE
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 28th January 2010 12:00:02
RABBI ON VACATION
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of
service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on
the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is
your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with
you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where
are you going? I'm not angry at you."
Added: Tuesday 26th January 2010 12:00:01
RELIGIOUS ONE-LINERS
Bumper Sticker:
If all else fails
read the instructions
(The Bible)
Bumper Sticker:
Prepare for your FINALS
Read the Bible
Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.
Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!
At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
Added: Thursday 21st January 2010 12:00:01
CONFUCIOUS SAYS...
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 7th January 2010 12:00:01
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and
Service
bloopers:
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing
like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both
ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied
our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and
11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Added: Wednesday 6th January 2010 12:00:01
ANCIENT DISCOVERY
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
Added: Monday 4th January 2010 18:00:01
POPE, GRAHAM, AND ROBERTS
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"
Added: Tuesday 29th December 2009 06:00:01
DON'T MESMERIZE THE CONGREGATION
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in
the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him
that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation
into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?"
he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner
so that the auditorium is warmer than
usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle
a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the
lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection
plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and
lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now,
the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique
each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple
of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming
mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit
the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew
everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Added: Tuesday 29th December 2009 00:00:01
THE FIRST STONE
Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
"He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone."
Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
"Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!"
Added: Friday 25th December 2009 06:00:01
OFFER MADE TO ADAM
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
Added: Thursday 24th December 2009 12:00:01
THREE NUNS
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left, each of them thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"
And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."
When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 19th December 2009 00:00:01
MEETING THE POPE
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
Added: Thursday 17th December 2009 18:00:02
PROUD OF DADDY
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Added: Thursday 17th December 2009 12:00:01
JONAH AND THE WHALE
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Added: Thursday 10th December 2009 12:00:01
HIDE HIM DURING A WAR
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Added: Tuesday 1st December 2009 00:00:01
OLD ROPE
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Added: Sunday 29th November 2009 12:00:01
ANCIENT TRANSLATION
There was this guy who wanted to become a monk and copy the ancient scriptures of the bible. So he became a monk and went to the monastery to see if he could get the job.
He got the job and the priest gave him scriptures to copy. He found out that he was copying from a copy and asked why he couldn't copy from the originals because somebody could have made a mistake while copying.
The priest replied, "Because the originals are too valuable." So the monk asked if he could at least see the originals and the priest agreed to just let him see them.
The priest took the monk down to the vaults where all of the original scriptures were, showed them to the monk, and left him to his silence. The priest was waiting by the door for about an hour and finally decided to go check on the monk.
When he got down to the vaults he saw that the monk was banging his head against the wall and asked what was wrong.
The monk replied, "It said celebrate!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 28th November 2009 12:00:01
FIRST VISIT TO CHURCH
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the
first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the
choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one
started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to you . . ."
Added: Thursday 26th November 2009 12:00:01
HELL
Priests should really be allowed to marry.
Until then, they'll never know what HELL is really like.
Added: Friday 20th November 2009 00:00:01
AFTER GIVING A SERMON
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
Added: Tuesday 17th November 2009 00:00:01
NUNS IN TRANSYLVANIA
Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the
warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure
enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the
night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his
horrible bloody fangs.
"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.
"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his
grip," answers the
second nun.
No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the
windshield.
"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even
more scared.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says
the second nun.
No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's
starting to crack.
"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.
The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she
yells, triumphantly.
The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells,
"Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you
with a ruler!"
Added: Saturday 14th November 2009 06:00:01
EBONIC LORD'S PRAYER
The Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us
don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil
'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.
Added: Saturday 24th October 2009 12:00:01
ALL YOU SAINT'S
The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time.
Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 21st October 2009 00:00:02
AND GOD CREATED WOMAN
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Added: Sunday 18th October 2009 00:00:01
AND GOD CREATED ... PETS
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here
and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will love me even when you
cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal
was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam
said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will
be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with
pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he
is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is
loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would
not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the Dog was pleased.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Added: Wednesday 14th October 2009 00:00:01
SINKING BOAT
There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.
The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."
The rabbi said, "fuck the children."
The priest said, "Do we have time?"
Added: Monday 12th October 2009 12:00:01
A WIFE FOR ADAM
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Added: Sunday 11th October 2009 12:00:01
GO AWAY
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 10th October 2009 12:00:01
BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
Added: Friday 9th October 2009 00:00:01
CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for
you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including:
incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Added: Wednesday 7th October 2009 06:00:01
MAN ITS DARK IN HERE
Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
"Gee, it's mighty dark in here," Timmy said.
"Yes, it sure is," replied the boyfriend.
"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?" asked Timmy.
"No way, kid. You're crazy," said the boyfriend.
"I'll scream," said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money. The next time Timmy's grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books. "Where did you get the money for all those things?" she asked, but Timmy wouldn't tell her. "Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest," said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.
As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, "Gee, it's mighty dark in here."
"Are you going to start that shit again?" the priest replied.
Added: Wednesday 7th October 2009 00:00:01
SOMEONE ELSE
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."
Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results, "Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember, we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 6th October 2009 00:00:02
DUMB WOMEN
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you!"
Added: Thursday 17th September 2009 00:00:02
EBONIC LORDS PRAYER
Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us
Don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil
'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.
aiight
Added: Wednesday 16th September 2009 18:00:01
SIGN - CLERGY PARKING ONLY
Seen on a parking space in a church's parking lot in
Edinburgh, IN
"Clergy parking only - you park, you preach!"
Added: Sunday 13th September 2009 00:00:01
TAX OFFICIAL
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
Added: Thursday 10th September 2009 12:00:01
CLASS PAPER
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class.
He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony."
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 9th September 2009 18:00:01
JUSTICE SYSTEM
Pope said he's worried about the declining number of priests in the United States.
On the other hand, it shows that our justice system is working.
Added: Wednesday 2nd September 2009 18:00:02
RELIGION AFTER 105
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 1st September 2009 18:00:02
WHERE'S MY HAT?
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.
He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach on 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 29th August 2009 00:00:01
POPES CROSSWORD
The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.
Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: "what's a 4-letter word that means 'woman' that ends in unt?"
His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, "I have it. it's Aunt."
"Oh dear", says the pope, "do you have an eraser?"
Added: Wednesday 26th August 2009 12:00:01
ARTHRITIS
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 25th August 2009 00:00:02
PRAYING LIONS
A mercenary preacher was traveling back from a mission of
peace through the jungle when all of a sudden he realized
that a lion was behind him. He tried to run, but knowing
that he could not outrun the lion, dropped down and started
to pray.
Unexpectedly, everything became quiet and when he looked,
the lion was praying also.
The priest said to the lion, "I didn't know lions prayed."
The lion replied, "You are praying. I'm saying grace before
I gobble you up!"
Added: Friday 21st August 2009 06:00:01
THE RIVER
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great
fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
throw it in the
river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world,
I'd take it all
and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced,
"For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, "Shall we gather
at the river."
Added: Saturday 15th August 2009 06:00:03
PUT IT DOWN
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well, what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun'..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by dolly04
Added: Sunday 2nd August 2009 18:00:01
SURVEY ON SEX
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra.
But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it.
Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did...... Do you know what the letter said?
Hmmm... You didn't get the letter either, huh??
Added: Wednesday 29th July 2009 06:00:04
PRIESTS UNIFORM
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him.
On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
Added: Tuesday 28th July 2009 12:00:03
HEARD ON NOAHS ARK
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
Added: Tuesday 28th July 2009 00:00:01
THE ANGRY PREACHER
The preacher rose with a red face, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood.
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again, all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Chunks
Added: Sunday 26th July 2009 06:00:03
HONK FOR JESUS
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I'm glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!
I found lots of people who loved Jesus.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS CHRIST!" as loud as he could.
It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.
I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me!
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas.
It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!
Added: Saturday 25th July 2009 06:00:05
KID READING BIBLE
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
Added: Saturday 25th July 2009 00:00:02
FATHER OR MOTHER
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 23rd July 2009 00:00:01
THE INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the
weather that morning was questionable and clouds were
forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon
progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and
lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school,
and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm
her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a
flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern,
the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route
to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at
each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and
smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the
little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the
mother called over to her child and asked, "What are you
doing?"
The child answered, "Smiling. God just keeps taking pictures
of me."
Added: Wednesday 15th July 2009 00:00:01
WHAT HAS CAUSED IT?
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Added: Sunday 12th July 2009 18:00:01
HAT CHECK GIRL
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
Added: Friday 10th July 2009 12:00:01
NUNS INTO HEAVEN
When nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
'And so,' says Saint Peter, 'have you ever had any contact with a man's penis?'
'Well,' said the first nun in line, 'I did see one once.'
'OK,' says Saint Peter, 'rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
The next nun admits that, 'Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.'
'0K,' says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.'
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.
'Well now, what's going on here?' says Saint Peter.
'Well, Your Excellency,' says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, 'if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it.'
Added: Thursday 9th July 2009 18:00:01
SATAN STUFF
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad!"
Added: Monday 6th July 2009 12:00:01
THREE NUNS
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Added: Sunday 5th July 2009 18:00:01
HEEL!
A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal,
and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of
their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called in the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 00:00:01
DYSLEXIC DEVIL WORSHIPPER
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?
They sold their souls to Santa.
Added: Thursday 25th June 2009 12:00:01
MEALS IN HEAVEN
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,
the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,
and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,
and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of
tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed
a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to
be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this
is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two
people, does it pay to cook?"
Added: Thursday 25th June 2009 06:00:05
ARMY OF THE LORD
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Added: Wednesday 24th June 2009 06:00:02
BINGO!
On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please!" repeats the dying man.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic.
But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 23rd June 2009 00:00:01
ORAL SEX
A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.
People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.
He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.
The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."
The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.
Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."
The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"
Added: Monday 22nd June 2009 06:00:04
STUD
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 16th June 2009 12:00:01
JESUS'S SHORT HOCKEY CAREER
Q: Why did Jesus Christ stop playing hockey?
A: Because he got nailed to the boards.
Added: Saturday 13th June 2009 18:00:01
BENEFITS OF THE REVIVAL
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were
discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great
for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We
gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than
that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Added: Wednesday 10th June 2009 06:00:04
COLLEGE EXAM PLEA
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
Added: Wednesday 10th June 2009 00:00:01
BROTHER -IN-LAW
A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he has money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank."
The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 9th June 2009 12:00:01
PASTOR V. CHOIR DIRECTOR
Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in
the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get
into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we
should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led
the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we
should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir
director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how
we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The
Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the
next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering
resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church
that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away.
The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'
Added: Monday 8th June 2009 18:00:01
LAST NOTE FROM FRED
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Added: Friday 5th June 2009 18:00:01
COWBOY IN CHURCH
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
Added: Wednesday 3rd June 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE IN CHURCH
Why did the blonde go to church?
[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.
Added: Tuesday 2nd June 2009 12:00:02
WHAT IS GOD'S NAME?
A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.
'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'
'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.
'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'
Added: Saturday 30th May 2009 00:00:01
CINDY CRAWFORD
Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.
Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."
Added: Friday 29th May 2009 12:00:01
GOD IS MISSING
The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.
The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, "Where is God ?"
Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is God ?"
Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy's
face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"
Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.
His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
"What happened to you ?"
Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it. "
Added: Thursday 28th May 2009 12:00:01
WHAT NATIONALITY WAS JESUS?
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was
sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was
no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for
him to do.
Added: Wednesday 27th May 2009 12:00:01
POPE GOES TO HEAVEN
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Added: Friday 15th May 2009 00:00:01
IT IS TOUGH BEING A MONK
There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and
decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number of
monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he
had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and could
only say two words every one year. He took the vow and began
his first year of service without saying a word.
At the end of one long year he was brought before the head
of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like
to say.
His response was "FOOD BAD."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once
again allowed to say another two words. After two years of
service he was brought before the head of the monastery and
was asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "MORE BLANKETS."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once
again allowed to say another two words. After three years of
service he was brought before the head of the monastery and
asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "I QUIT!"
The head Monk answered back: "You might as well. You have
done nothing but complain since you have been here!"
Added: Monday 11th May 2009 06:00:04
ROSARY AND TWO MARTINIS
A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of
Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the
priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he
didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary
and two martinis each day.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to
have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen,
"Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
Added: Wednesday 6th May 2009 06:00:04
GENESIS REVISED
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"
Added: Wednesday 29th April 2009 18:00:01
CONFESSION BOOTH 2
Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest "Father, I've done something terrible. I just know they're going to throw me out of the church for this one."
"Hold, on," says the priest, "what have you done that's so bad they're going to throw you out of the church?"
"Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then."
"There's nothing wrong with that," says the priest, "you're allowed to have sex with your wife.
Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?"
"Well," the man said, "they threw us out of the grocery store."
Added: Monday 27th April 2009 00:00:01
OUTLIVED THEM ALL
The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.
"I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 26th April 2009 12:00:01
WHY GOD CREATED ANIMALS
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with
me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome
here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love
me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for
you that will be
with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you
are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And
it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new
animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in
the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection
of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog
was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord &
said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts
and preens like a
peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him
that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will
be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam
learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Added: Saturday 25th April 2009 00:00:02
ONE MORE TIME
There is a boy and girl in CCD class.
The girl falls to sleep.
The teacher asks a question, "Who created Earth?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she yells "God." She then falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question, "Who was the Holy family?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says "Jesus, Mary, Joseph." She again falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question "What did Mary say to Joseph after their 23rd baby?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I swear I will snap it in half!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 23rd April 2009 12:00:01
NICE SHOT
Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf course.
The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for the water.
He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green.
The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn.
Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until
it gets across and rolls up onto the green.
After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot.
His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and
on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads
for the woods.
As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel.
The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"
Added: Wednesday 22nd April 2009 12:00:01
WALK OUT OF CHURCH
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Added: Sunday 19th April 2009 06:00:04
SECRET SERVICE
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Added: Monday 13th April 2009 06:00:04
SICK IN CHURCH
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the
church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her
seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned
so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a
box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Added: Thursday 9th April 2009 18:00:04
VETERINARIAN?
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "Every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 9th April 2009 12:00:01
TRY TO HELP THE PEOPLE
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Added: Friday 3rd April 2009 00:00:02
BE QUIET IN CHURCH
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping!"
Added: Monday 23rd March 2009 18:00:01
A MAN'S LIFE IS SPENT WONDERING
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having
his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having
his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
wondering too!
Added: Friday 20th March 2009 12:00:02
XMAS GIFT
All I got for Christmas was a sweater.... I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 20th March 2009 06:00:04
PRIESTS ON VACATION
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided
that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify
them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts and Aloha shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc. The
next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead
gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight
toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she
passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good
morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," nodding
and addressing each of them individually, then
passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize
them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more
outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud, you could
hear them before you even saw
them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string
bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were
glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to
pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father Murphy. Good
Morning Father O'Toole," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a
minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but
I have to know, how in the world did
YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"
Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 18:00:01
RELATIVELY
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Added: Tuesday 17th March 2009 06:00:04
WHY ADAM CAME BEFORE EVE
Q: Why did God create Adam before creating Eve?
A: Because every great eartist makes a rough copy before he
creates the masterpiece.
Added: Thursday 5th March 2009 12:00:01
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?
A recently married minister went to his congregation,
informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise
that would
allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was
agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.
After six births in six years the congregants called a
meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome.
Things got contentious.
Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little
angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"
"Snow and rain are acts of God too." a man at the back of
the room said, "But most of us wear rubbers."
Added: Thursday 26th February 2009 00:00:02
SARAH PIPPOLINI
Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates, and are told that
because they have devoted their lives to the world they can
return to Earth and live it up for three months, taking on
the identity of whatever person they should choose.
The first nun said she wanted to return as Helen of Troy.
"Why Helen?" asked St Peter.
Because she was so beautiful, and rememembered for it, while
we have had to cover ourselves all our lives.
Her wish granted, the second nun was given her chance and
decided to return as Florence Nightingale, so that the good
work she had done might be recognised by all the world.
This, too, was readily granted.
The third nun said she wanted to return as Sarah Pippolini.
"Who in the name of all that's wonderful is Sarah
Pippolini!!?" asked an curious St Peter.
"Well, I'm not sure either," said the nun (who, we suspect,
was blonde under the habit), "but see what it says here in
this newspaper." With a gleam in her eye she held up a
newspaper clipping showing a photo of some oilworkers and the
proud headline: "Sahara pipeline laid by 300 men in 30 days!"
Added: Sunday 22nd February 2009 06:00:04
BIG BANG THEORY
You know that science teacher who had sex with her fifteen-year-old male student?
She was trying to teach him the Big Bang theory.
After hearing about her the Pope thought maybe women are ready to become priests.
Added: Thursday 19th February 2009 06:00:03
JESUS CHECKS IN
Jesus walks into a hotel.
Slamming three nails down on the counter, he asks the desk clerk, “Can you put me up for the night?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 18th February 2009 06:00:03
HALLOWEN
What do people do for fun by themselves on Halloween?
They monsterbate.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 15th February 2009 06:00:04
CHURCH SIGNS
Signs in front of Churches
1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
3. Soul food served here.
4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
5. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
7. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
9. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
10. Come early for a good seat in the back.
11. Life has many choices! Eternity has two. What's yours?
12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
13. A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
14. K-mart isn't the only saving place!
15. Preach the gospel at all times ... Use words only if necessary.
16. Delay is preferable to error.
17. It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
18. What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday!
21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
22. Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
24. May is God's apology for February.
25. To belittle is to be little.
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
27. God answers knee mail.
28. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
Added: Monday 9th February 2009 06:00:01
GOD WILL PROVIDE
A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study
for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to
live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide
for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such
as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies,
"God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God will
provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the
good news is he thinks I'm God."
Added: Monday 9th February 2009 00:00:01
13 CHILDREN
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when
a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the
sick
and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life.
He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper
Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm
Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
Added: Saturday 7th February 2009 18:00:02
GAY JEW
Q: What do you call a gay Jew?
A: A Heblew.
Added: Friday 6th February 2009 18:00:01
HABIT
One of my favorite activities is making love to nuns.
It's easy once you get into the habit!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 2nd February 2009 18:00:02
DEVIL & THE GOLFER
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 27th January 2009 06:00:02
UNHEAVENLY BLESSED
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 27th January 2009 00:00:02
BURGLARS JUST BROKE IN
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
Added: Friday 23rd January 2009 06:00:02
WHAT IS GOD?
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white." To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
Added: Wednesday 21st January 2009 18:00:01
STUCK IN THE FENDER
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from Shul one Saturday morning.
Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny. "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you. 'The Other Side of the Story,' about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab, he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige l00% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 20th January 2009 18:00:03
I SENT MY SON TO ISRAEL...
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a
year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his
son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you
for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It
was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that
while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best
friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the
Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the
Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must
take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
So they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out
their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to
Israel . . ."
Added: Wednesday 14th January 2009 18:00:02
CONVERT
Two Jews are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic Church with a sign out front that says "Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert!"
They argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is going to go in and give it a try.
He steps in the church while his friend waits outside. The fellow is in there for hours with his buddy patiently waiting. Finally, he returns.
His friend says "Well what happened? Did you convert? Did you get the money? Show me the money!"
The other fellow says "Is that all you people think about?"
Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 10th January 2009 00:00:02
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A TEXAS CHURCH WHEN
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
Added: Friday 9th January 2009 18:00:02
ADAM, EVE AND LITTLE JOHNNY
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out
of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think
I'm going to have a wife."
Added: Thursday 8th January 2009 06:00:01
GOLF IN HEAVEN
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.
"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.
"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 3rd January 2009 06:00:02
WORRIES ABOUT A RISK
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Added: Saturday 27th December 2008 00:00:01
WHERE IS JESUS?
One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids
where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in
Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.
Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be
called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny
but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the
bathroom.
"Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom
door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in there?"
Added: Monday 22nd December 2008 00:00:02
FORREST GUMP
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter. "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest.......
"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
Added: Sunday 21st December 2008 18:00:02
JESUS IS WATCHING
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.
When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'
'Moses,' replied the parrot.
`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Added: Saturday 13th December 2008 12:00:01
DAKINIS IN TIBET
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meeting
house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a
brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.
"Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon from
the Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie old
boy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to
China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world,
shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," asked
Sir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or
perhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," replied
Ferdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an
abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed
to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government.
Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further
extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt
that even for his people merely to have access to the art and
architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the
further loss of their traditions.
"But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple,
at being physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, prying
loose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye
ornaments in enormous idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghoot
explained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was
attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis."
"Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief.
"Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of all
sizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a
mystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said
Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist.
Do sit down and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down for
quite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed
with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a
'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a
huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping
sword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed
holy water on her, and she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned
Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew
us forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming
out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama
Mipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon
mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir
Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and
I vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutive
size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to
avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of
my anatomy."
Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . . "She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,
yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini." (ByAdam E. Ek based on a
character by Reginald Bretner)
Added: Tuesday 9th December 2008 18:00:01
CATHOLIC V. JEWISH GOLF MATCH
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu
wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held
a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal
to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he
added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American
golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a
Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition,
to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the
match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day
after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad
news, your Holiness," said the
golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though
I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,
this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been
inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons
were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by
three strokes."
Added: Sunday 7th December 2008 06:00:01
MARY
Jesus is taking a walk through the streets when he sees a group of people throwing stones at a cowering adulteress.
He stops and yells to the crowd, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
All of a sudden, a huge stone comes flying out of the crowd and pegs him in the head.
Jesus stops, taken aback, then looks up and says, “Mom!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 5th December 2008 12:00:01
BECAUSE IT'S LENT
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Added: Friday 5th December 2008 06:00:03
MARTYR FAMILY
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a plate of tabouli and pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby", says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though", mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear", says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".
"He's a martyr too", says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...", says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he
first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks Wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Added: Thursday 4th December 2008 18:00:03
THOU SHALT NOT...
One day there was a preacher that was expressing to his
deacons how upset he was that his brand new bike had been
stolen.
The last place that he could remember leaving it was outside
the church. So he figured someone at the church had to have
stolen it.
One of his deacons came up with the idea of preaching a
sermon on the 10 Commandments, in hope that the bike would be
returned out of guilt.
Of course,the preacher agreed.
That Sunday morning, he began to get into his sermon and
started the 10 Commandments.
1.Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image....
and so on he went until he came to thou shalt not commit
adultery and the preacher stopped preaching and ended his
sermon.
After church the deacons asked the preacher why he stopped
half way through the sermon and he replied that he remembered
where his bike was.
Added: Sunday 30th November 2008 18:00:01
BOY, GET YOUR MOTHER
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 28th November 2008 00:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Biblical Questions and Answers
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Added: Saturday 22nd November 2008 12:00:01
RELIGIOUS BEAR
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear.
In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could.
Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter.
The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "
Added: Sunday 16th November 2008 06:00:01
SOLICITING DONATIONS
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But
you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star
Spangled Banner."
Added: Tuesday 11th November 2008 18:00:02
BUSH AT THE VATICAN
President Bush is going to visit the Vatican.
He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope
Added: Sunday 9th November 2008 18:00:02
KICK THE HABIT
Did you hear about the junkie nun who wanted to kick the habit?
Added: Friday 7th November 2008 18:00:02
BACK FROM HEAVEN
A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.
When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.
Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, 'Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, I'll grant your request.'
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.
Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.
The Irishman begins shaking all over. 'Oh boy, could I use a drink,' he says.
The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.
He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.
The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.
He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.
Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.
Added: Wednesday 5th November 2008 18:00:02
YOUNG DOCTOR
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 25th October 2008 18:00:01
HISTORY OF A PROPERTY
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.
'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'
Added: Thursday 23rd October 2008 18:00:02
BAPTIZING THE DRUNK!
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Added: Friday 17th October 2008 12:00:01
YOU ASK HIM THEN
A lady on an airliner was reading her bible.
The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replied.
"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked.
"Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied.
"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked.
"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady.
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Added: Friday 17th October 2008 00:00:03
WINNING LOTTO
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"
Added: Friday 10th October 2008 18:00:01
SCIENTISTS V. GOD
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting
around discussing which one of them was going to go to God
and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.
Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go
tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God, "God, you know, a bunch of us
have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really
don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with
great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on
the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really
don't need you."
God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard
feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya
think?"
The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."
The scientist: "Sure! No problem" The scientist bends down
and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"
God replies, "No, no. You go get your own dirt."
Added: Thursday 9th October 2008 12:00:01
HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."
Added: Thursday 9th October 2008 06:00:01
A MUSLIM IN HEAVEN
A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, "Welcome to heaven my son, please enter!"
The Muslim says "Oh no, no, I cannot enter without seeing Allah." St. Peter says, "Oh... Allah. He is upstairs."
The Muslim says, "Well of course, Allah is upstairs!" He climbs upstairs and meets Jesus.
Jesus says "Welcome to heaven my child, please enter!" And the Muslim says "Oh no, no, with all due respect, I cannot enter without seeing Allah."
Jesus says "But of course...Allah is upstairs, top floor."
The Muslim smiles and thinks to himself, "Of course, Allah is on top of heaven itself because He is most high!"
At the final gate he meets the all mighty Lord himself who says "Welcome to heaven my child, please enter."
As expected, the Muslim says he cannot enter without meeting Allah, to which the Lord replies "I understand, my child...Allah is here. But he is busy right now. Why don't you have a seat and wait for him?"
The Muslim is so excited that his Allah is so important, after all he always believed this was so. The Lord says to the Muslim "Why you must be parched, would you like a drink?"
The Muslim says, "Yes, I would like a drink. I would like that very much."
And the Lord asks, "Would you like a Coke?"
The Muslim says "Yes, that sounds good, thank you."
The Lord says, "It does indeed. I think I'll join you."
And with that the Lord snapped his fingers and said, "Allah, bring two cokes!"
Added: Friday 3rd October 2008 12:00:01
CROSS NUN
Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FREAKIN' HOOD!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 25th September 2008 12:00:01
ZOO CHRISTMAS
The Crist family worked at a zoo.
Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu.
If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen.
But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.
One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction.
It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage.
She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.
To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later:
MARY CRIST MISSES A HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 22nd September 2008 18:00:01
HE WAS A SAINT
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their
money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same church and looked to be perfect
Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not
only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but
he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell
in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new
assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you
must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and
abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small
time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he
was a saint."
Added: Monday 22nd September 2008 12:00:01
CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY?
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
Added: Tuesday 16th September 2008 06:00:01
DONATION
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the
preacher made
an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man
in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and
announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich
man on the
shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I
will increase my
donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again,
and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my
last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him
on the head.
He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give
$20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit
him again!"
Added: Tuesday 16th September 2008 00:00:01
GREAT ADVICE
A man has been in business for many, many years and the
business is going down the drain. He is seriously
contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes
to the Rabbi to seek his advice.
He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business
and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them
in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to
the water's edge. Take the beach
chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and
open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and
eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page.
Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you
what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a
Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the
chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind
riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular
page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words
which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see
the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all
decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is
dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick
envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate
this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for
his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him
what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11".
Added: Wednesday 10th September 2008 00:00:01
ONE GOOD DEED
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did
anything really good either. If you can point to even one
REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to
see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about
50 of 'em ripping the
clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy
with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I
walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a
circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his
face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed
him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave
this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'
Added: Monday 8th September 2008 06:00:01
GOD & FIGHTER PILOTS
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 7th September 2008 18:00:01
HEALING POWER
An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God.
"To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen and I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.
The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.
The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 19th August 2008 12:00:01
LORD'S BLESSING
One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door.
When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you." After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'."
The Pope said, "I'm sorry we just cannot do that." The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.
He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.
The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.
The Pope said, "Let me think it over."
The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.
Added: Tuesday 12th August 2008 06:00:01
THREE NUNS IN HEAVEN
Three Nuns In Heaven
Three nuns die and go up to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter congratulates the three ladies for the good work they have done on earth during their lifetime. However as a final test they must all answer one question before they can enter heaven.
To the first nun he asks Who was the first man?
She replies "Adam."
St. Peter allows her in.
To the second nun he asks "Who was the first woman?"
She replies "Eve."
St. Peter allows her in.
To the third nun he asks "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
She replies "Damn that's hard."
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 9th August 2008 00:00:01
OVERCROWDED CHURCH
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Added: Friday 8th August 2008 18:00:02
PROSTITUTE PARROTS
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,
"Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered"
Added: Sunday 3rd August 2008 12:00:01
RUN FASTER
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, Mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he can with his pants down!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 1st August 2008 06:00:01
LIFE AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they would
come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest
fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband
was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast,
I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon, supper, then sex
till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas."
Added: Thursday 31st July 2008 00:00:01
LIFE BEGINS
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
Added: Saturday 26th July 2008 00:00:01
KIDS EXPLAIN THE BIBLE
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had
learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and
all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it!"
Added: Friday 25th July 2008 00:00:01
SISTERS OF MERCY
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 km'.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 km' and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, 'Sisters of Mercy'.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well, my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.'
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.
'Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.'
Added: Thursday 24th July 2008 12:00:01
DID GOD MAKE YOU?
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
Added: Tuesday 15th July 2008 12:00:01
MEET ME HALF WAY
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this, buy a ticket!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 13th July 2008 06:00:01
XMAS PAGEANT
Two daughters had been given parts in the Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 14-year-old said to her eight-year-old younger sister,
'Well, you ask Mum. She'll tell you it's harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.'
Added: Friday 11th July 2008 06:00:01
STAR WARS CHRISTMAS
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... light sabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"
Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach,
"How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"
Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents."
Added: Tuesday 8th July 2008 18:00:02
A CHILD INTERPRETS THE BIBLE
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He
read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to
salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Added: Monday 7th July 2008 06:00:01
FEEDING FIVE MEN
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly,
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and
two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to
the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?" asked the minister.
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
Added: Sunday 6th July 2008 06:00:01
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be
light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but
you could see it a whole lot better.
---Ellen DeGeneres
Added: Saturday 5th July 2008 18:00:01
WALKING ON WATER
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing when Jesus
says, "I want to perform a miracle so it will feel like the
good old days."
Moses says, "Yeah, sure."
So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on water, that
was always a good one."
So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the
water and sinks like a stone. Moses drags him back into the
boat and revives him.
Moses says, "What's the problem?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know, but it could be these holes in
my feet!"
Added: Saturday 5th July 2008 00:00:01
DRUNK NUNS
These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time.
They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating.
"Excuse me sisters", he says shyly, "but I don't normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns."
It's perfectly okay they reassured the clerk," this is strictly for medicinal purposes."
"Very well" said the clerk, "that will be $6.50"
The nuns thanked him and were on their way.
About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk.
He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says "I am ashamed of you two!
You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!"
To this the nuns replied "Don't feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you .
You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!"
Added: Thursday 3rd July 2008 00:00:01
ARTHRITIS
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Added: Wednesday 2nd July 2008 18:00:01
CONFESSION BOOTH
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Added: Sunday 29th June 2008 18:00:03
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
Added: Thursday 26th June 2008 12:00:02
ACT OF GOD
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.
He went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation.
No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old ladies?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 24th June 2008 06:00:02
WHO IS GOING TO STOP ME?
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally,
his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Added: Friday 20th June 2008 18:00:03
BASEBALL HEAVEN
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.
They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service.
Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,"Bob is this you"
Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?"
Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."
Bob said, "Whats the good news?"
Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great"
Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"
Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!"
Added: Friday 20th June 2008 12:00:04
AIR HEADS
Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure. Go right ahead," says the Almighty.
"OK," Jim says, "Why did you make women so pretty?"
"So you would like them," God replies.
"All right then," Jim nods, "but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?"
"So you would LOVE them," God replies.
Jim ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such air heads?"
God replies, "So THEY would love YOU!"
Added: Wednesday 18th June 2008 06:00:01
RELIGIOUS DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews
had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would
have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews
would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the
Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe,
to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could
not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it
was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe
sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of
wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood
up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me.
The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him
what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind
me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine
and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He
pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe,
asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to
me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said
to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be
cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the
Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
Added: Friday 13th June 2008 00:00:03
HOW MUCH IS A TRICK?
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent.
The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.
"Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.
Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street."
Added: Wednesday 11th June 2008 18:00:02
MAN IN CALIFORNIA
Once there was a man in California. He was standing on a beach when God appeared to him.
God said, "You've been a good man all your life and now I want to grant you one wish. Go ahead and wish for whatever you want."
The man thought for a minute and then replied: "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so that I can drive there whenever I want?"
God exclaimed, "That's impossible! The logistics....the engineering... I can't do that! Wish for something else."
So the man told God, "I've never been able to understand women. Could you give me the power to understand women?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Rocketman
Added: Thursday 5th June 2008 18:00:02
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Added: Wednesday 4th June 2008 06:00:02
GETTING A PROMOTION
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd June 2008 00:00:02
LORDY, LORDY
Once upon a time there was this lady and she was white. She liked black people!
She liked their churches and their music! Most of all she liked their clothes.
So one day she decides she is going to dress up like a black person and paint herself black.
She gets all dressed up and goes to church. When she was at church this little black kid came up to her flipped up her dress.
He started singing, "Lordy, lordy bless my soul, never seen a nigga wit a white ass hole!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 1st June 2008 00:00:03
WHAT A BOOB
And God created woman and she had three breasts.
He then asked the woman,
'Is there anything you'd like to have changed?'
She replied,
'Yes, you could get rid of this middle breast?'
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand,
'What can be done with this useless boob?'
And God created man.
Added: Saturday 31st May 2008 00:00:03
OH MY GOD
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps,"My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
So she replies, "My son in 6'2"... he has plenty of money...broad square shoulders... terribly handsome.... dresses very well... tight muscular body.... tight hard buns.... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp.
"Oh, my God...."
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Thursday 29th May 2008 18:00:01
LIMO DRIVER
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo ( he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, your Eminence, "says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!
Submitted by NCrespi
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 29th May 2008 00:00:01
POST OFFICE
A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”
So he opened it and it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”
Added: Wednesday 28th May 2008 06:00:02
SPIRIT OF GIVING
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Added: Tuesday 27th May 2008 06:00:03
LAST REQUEST
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be
executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Added: Friday 23rd May 2008 18:00:01
HAND ME THE BROOM
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing.
She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.
Added: Wednesday 21st May 2008 06:00:02
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Actual Announcements From Church
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in
his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet,
please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.
Added: Friday 16th May 2008 00:00:02
3 MEN INTO HEAVEN
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up.
'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'
Added: Wednesday 14th May 2008 18:00:02
PEARLY GATES
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Added: Wednesday 14th May 2008 06:00:02
UNUSUAL MEMORIAL
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local
funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small
country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the
deceased had
no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to
the cemetery,
but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a
half-hour late. The
hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing
under a nearby
tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave
and found that
the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and
read the
service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman
say, "Maybe we'd
better tell him that's a septic tank."
Added: Sunday 11th May 2008 06:00:02
SCATTERED ASHES
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.
As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales. "Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Added: Saturday 10th May 2008 12:00:03
WHOS YOUR DADDY
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 30th April 2008 00:00:02
A NUN IN HOOTERS
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off.
Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to use the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But I still don't understand!" said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now how about that drink?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by dolly04 and Curtis
Added: Sunday 27th April 2008 12:00:02
DEAR PASTOR
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson
has been a
good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9,
Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a
sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the
plate, but my
father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you
have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New
Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at
church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9,
Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my
brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you
moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good
health is more
important than money but I still want a raise in my
allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am
flying to
California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.
We need
God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age
10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten
Commandments. But I
don't think I want to because we have enough rules already
in my
house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely,
Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there
may be one in
my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when
it was
finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do
you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
Added: Wednesday 23rd April 2008 00:00:03
CONVERT
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street when they come to a Catholic church with a sign that reads, "Convert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the men stops and stares at the sign.
"Abe," he says, "I’m thinking of doing it."
With that, he strides purposefully into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your $10?"
Murray looks up at him and asks, "Is that all you people can think about?"
Submitted by curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 21st April 2008 18:00:02
PEARLY GATES
A man dies and goes to heaven.
As he's standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.
He's dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, "Who was that?"
St. Peter answered "That's just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor."
Added: Sunday 20th April 2008 00:00:02
BAD JOKE DONT READ
A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks "Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?"
Billy replies "Oh, Father O'Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service"
Added: Tuesday 15th April 2008 00:00:02
BOATINGTRIP
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.
"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us."
"Oh, I wasn't talking about that God," the five year old interrupted.
"I was talking about the COAST God."
Added: Monday 14th April 2008 00:00:02
LEGS APART?
Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'
A man standing next to the priest asks,
'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'
The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'
Added: Friday 4th April 2008 00:00:02
REALLY GOOD DEED
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
Added: Thursday 3rd April 2008 12:00:06
ENCOUNTERING A BEAR
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."
Added: Tuesday 1st April 2008 00:00:03
LAST SUPPER
What did Jesus say at the Last Supper? If you boys want to
get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.
Added: Monday 31st March 2008 18:00:01
NEVER MIND
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret, there's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"
"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell.
He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie, never mind!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 28th March 2008 18:00:02
THE BIG FLOOD
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
Added: Friday 21st March 2008 18:00:03
HOLE IN ONE
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
Added: Friday 21st March 2008 00:00:02
FISH FRIAR
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery.
Being English, however, they decided to open a fish and chips restaurant.
The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.
One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?"
"No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk'."
Submitted by Calamjo
EWdited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 15th March 2008 06:00:02
MOTHER F**KER
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?
Amber: yes
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no
Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?
Amber: He had herpes!
Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!
Added: Friday 14th March 2008 06:00:01
SATANS SISTER
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Added: Saturday 8th March 2008 18:00:03
MODEL NUN
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
Added: Friday 7th March 2008 00:00:03
PRIEST'S COLLAR
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial
school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones
were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad
of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests
wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and
asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the
collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out
and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab
are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do
you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and
fleas up to six months!"
Added: Wednesday 5th March 2008 18:00:02
A PRIEST AND A RABBI BUY A CAR
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to combine their finances and buy a
car together. They drove it home and parked it in the street
between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so
he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm
blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tail pipe.
Added: Tuesday 4th March 2008 12:00:02
AMISH GIRL
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date.
Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies.
Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.
The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"
Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed.
Her date picked her up and they went on their way.
On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees.
Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?"
She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."
Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?"
The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did.
After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?"
Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"
The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Added: Sunday 2nd March 2008 12:00:04
10 MINUTES AGO
A Mormon, a Jew, and an African-American arrive together at St. Peter's gate.
"Before you can be admitted," says St. Peter, "I'd like you each to tell me why you deserve to be here."
The Mormon speaks first, "I've devoted my life to helping my fellow man."
The Jew says, "I've given countless hours to the support of my community and to helping the State of Israel."
"And you?" says St. Peter, turning to the African-American.
"I spent my whole life in Boston, trying to improve race relations. I even married an Irish-Catholic girl."
"Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 28th February 2008 12:00:03
CLEARING THE CHURCH
The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing
capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start
the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and
black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while
the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then
reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A
BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The
deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and
the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting
in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the
pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the
preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now.
You may begin the service."
Added: Wednesday 27th February 2008 18:00:02
SPELLING
A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter.
St. Peter says to him, "God has looked at your book of life, and you are welcome in heaven under one condition."
The man says, "What's that?"
St. Peter says, "You must spell the word 'Love'."
So he does and he is let in to heaven.
As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off.
He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.
Next thing you know, his wife shows up at the gate and he asks her, "What are you doing here?"
She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died.
The husband says, "Alright, but you have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven."
She asks, "What's that?"
He answered, "Spell Czechoslovakia."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 26th February 2008 06:00:02
AT THE CONSTRUCTION JOB
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
Added: Friday 22nd February 2008 18:00:02
CHRISTIAN
A religious man, ignoring a nagging conscience, went bear hunting on the Sabbath even though he knew he was being disobedient to a commandment.
He was feeling a little guilty about it as he entered the woods.
Suddenly he heard a noise close by. Quickly he tried to raise his rifle, alas, too late, for the huge grizzly bear was upon him.
Gazing in horror at the ferocious beast while the huge bear grabbed him in a bear-hug and squeezed the life out if him, he prayed with his last breath, "Please, oh God, make this bear a Christian."
Immediately the bear released him, knelt down, bowed his head and said, "I give thanks for this food of which I am about to partake."
Amen.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 17th February 2008 06:00:02
CAUSE OF ARTHRITIS
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Added: Saturday 16th February 2008 00:00:02
BEER VS JESUS
Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have relations with the opposite sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
3. There are laws saying beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Added: Saturday 9th February 2008 18:00:02
TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
Added: Tuesday 5th February 2008 06:00:02
SHOPPING CART
Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 5th February 2008 00:00:02
NUN SEES A NAKED MAN
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
Added: Saturday 26th January 2008 06:00:01
JESUS CHRIST
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''
The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''
The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 23rd January 2008 06:00:02
THE PASTOR AND THE BARTENDER
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the
restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until
people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up
to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you>>
should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a
restroom."
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a
naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other
way."
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at
the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the
restroom.
After a few minutes, the pastor came back out and the whole
place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to
the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came
in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then
the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and
now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would
you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf
is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole
place. Now, how about a drink?"
Added: Thursday 17th January 2008 06:00:02
PUNISHMENT
Joe dies and arrives in hell.
There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next.
Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.
Joe says to the devil, “This is more like it.”
The devil replies, “Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.”
Joe insists this is where he’d like to carry out his punishment.
So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 13th January 2008 06:00:03
NAKED MAN AND NUNS
Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly.
"What should we do?" one sister frantically asked.
"Show him your cross." the other said.
"Hey, mister, " the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, "get the fuck out of my way!"
Added: Monday 31st December 2007 12:00:01
ENTERING THE NIGHT
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey
into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let
him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said
nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil
and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't
think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
Added: Sunday 30th December 2007 00:00:02
NEVER FALL ASLEEP IN CHURCH
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at
his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with
you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her
a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who
made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr.
Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the
leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the
pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister,
smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his
sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the
minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one
more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
Added: Friday 21st December 2007 12:00:02
GOD GAVE TO ADAM
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
Added: Thursday 20th December 2007 18:00:02
CONFESSIONAL
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?'
‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
Added: Sunday 16th December 2007 00:00:02
FUNERALS
A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each
would like to be said at their funeral.
The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is
a man who followed the path of Jesus."
The buddist said that he would like someone to say, "There
is a man who strived for enlightenment."
The rabbi said that he would like somone to say, "LOOK! He's
moving!"
Added: Tuesday 11th December 2007 18:00:02
WHY KEEP QUIET
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
Added: Sunday 9th December 2007 06:00:03
RABBI IN BAR
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the rest room?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should."
The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the rest room?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin' again."
The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"
Added: Sunday 9th December 2007 00:00:02
DARK IN HERE
A mother is having sex with her lover.
Her son comes in so she locks him in the closet. After hearing her husband come home she locks the lover also in the closet.
"Dark in here" the boy says.
"Yeah" the man replies.
"I have a baseball here. Do you want it? It costs only $250 bucks."
The man thought what the hell and paid up.
Next night the boy is again locked in the closet with the lover.
"Dark in here" the boy says.
"Yeah" the man replies.
"Do you want a baseball glove?" The boy says.
The man bought it for $750 bucks.
The next day the father says " Son, lets go to play baseball"
The boy says "I sold my baseball and glove for $1000 bucks"
The father says "You should not overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to the Confessional" And so the boy goes.
He goes into the Confessional.
"Dark in here" he comments.
"Oh, for heavens sake don't start that again!" The priest says.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 5th December 2007 12:00:02
CAMELS ASS
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"
"Is that right" the nun replies?
"Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
Added: Monday 26th November 2007 18:00:02
FREUDIAN SLIP
One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very
worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and
wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should
try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and
asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a
Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says
something one is thinking usually when it is the least
opportune time."
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part
when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the
first.
"Yes?" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said
was, "I now sentence you to death."
Added: Friday 16th November 2007 06:00:02
PANTIES
Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "they're Carol's."
Added: Wednesday 14th November 2007 12:00:02
STONING FOR ADULTERY
This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, C'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Added: Tuesday 13th November 2007 18:00:02
CRACK WITH A ROCK
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner.
They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts."
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 11th November 2007 12:00:02
BAPTISTS AND BEER
Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two?
A: Invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!
Added: Wednesday 7th November 2007 18:00:02
HELL
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out!
If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,
well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding?
I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the
size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Added: Friday 2nd November 2007 18:00:02
REASONS FOR DEVOTION
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met
at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the
experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a
terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was
lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to
brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God
to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind
calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And
since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his
pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of
nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost
buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward
Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a
thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I
was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then
I have been the
most devout of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story.
"One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a
huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road.
It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take
home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the
Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And
suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"
Added: Thursday 1st November 2007 18:00:02
JEWISH DILEMMA
Definition of a Jewish dilemma:
Someone yelling, "Free ham!"
Added: Saturday 27th October 2007 18:00:02
ONE REASON NOT TO GO TO SYNAGOGUE
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly
stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him
in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all
these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered. "When
I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then
I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is
very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to
remind Him!"
Added: Thursday 25th October 2007 00:00:02
IN THE BIBLE
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 5th October 2007 12:00:01
EXORCISM
The other day a roommate asked if it was ok to have a priest come over and bless our common room and bathrom for some religious holiday of which I was unaware.
I said it was fine, but this has got to be one of the weirdest roommate requests I have ever received. I mean, I know our bathroom is kinda gross, but I don't think it needs an exorcism...
Added: Thursday 4th October 2007 18:00:06
BASEBALL IN HEAVEN
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Added: Wednesday 3rd October 2007 06:00:03
THE VERGE
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
The Verge 'n' Mary."
Added: Monday 24th September 2007 06:00:02
BANG BANG!
Q: What goes, "clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang!
clippity clop, clippity clop?"
A: A drive by shooting in an amish neighborhood!
Added: Sunday 23rd September 2007 06:00:02
HEAVEN WISHES
100 men were waiting at the pearly gates of heaven to go when god appeared.
He said "since as you have all lived such good lifes, i will grant you all
one wish each!"
So, turning to guy No.1 he said "what would you like as your wish?"
"To be beautiful" was his reply, and so it was done.
God asked the question to man 2 and he also said to be beautiful.
Then they all were saying it and when it got to guy number 14, number 100 at the back began to giggle ...
Guy 28 was saying he wanted to be beautiful when man 100 laughed out loud, and he got a piercing stare from everyone.
By the time it got to man 84, the number 100 was rollling on the floor
laughing his head off!!! But they all ignored him.
After man numero 99 said he wished to be hansome (a bit of variation!) the
guy 100 finally got his wish.
But first God asked why he was laughing, "no reason" he said; so God
shrugged his shoulders and asked him the same question as all the others:
"what do you want?"
The 100th guy said "To make them all butt-ugly again!"
Added: Friday 21st September 2007 06:00:03
SOAP & WATER
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "Of course they were cleaned, Father. They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite of the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled:
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 20th September 2007 00:00:02
WHY EVE WAS CREATED
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Added: Saturday 15th September 2007 00:00:02
HAVING A WIFE
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 11th September 2007 00:00:02
PRAY FOR ME
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up
during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order
in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle
on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one
called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
Added: Monday 10th September 2007 18:00:02
HARD VS. EASY
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but so easy to tell a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but
Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk about bad stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, yet so easy to look at a dirty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail but we forward all of the dirty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up?
Think about it ...
Are you going to forward this, or delete it?
To terrify others, forward this to at least 10 people.
Added: Sunday 9th September 2007 00:00:02
MICROSOFT GETS CHURCH
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Added: Monday 3rd September 2007 00:00:02
A BEE AT A BAR MITZVAH
A hungry bee meets a fellow bee who directs the hungry one
to a Bar Mitzvah. The hungry bee eats his fill, then again
meets his friend.
The second bee asks how it went, and hears that his friend
ate plenty. The second bee then asks why the first bee is
wearing a yarmulke (the small round cap that religious Jews
often wear).
The first bee replies, "It was a Bar Mitzvah. I didn't want
anyone to think I was a WASP."
Added: Sunday 2nd September 2007 18:00:01
THE SECOND FLOOD
God appears to the people of the world and says that he will
in three days flood the earth again.
Soon afterwards the Pope appears on world-wide television
and sends all Catholics the message that they must pray and
ask for forgiveness of their sins so they may go to heaven.
Next a Protestant representative urges all Protestants to
clean up all of their business and put their affairs right in
preparation for the end of the world.
Finally their appears a Jewish leader who looks out at the
world television audience and says "Jews of the world . . .
You have only three days to learn to live underwater!
Added: Sunday 26th August 2007 12:00:02
GAME OF GOLF
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf.
This was to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete... I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness" said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Added: Friday 24th August 2007 00:00:02
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY CHICKEN?
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After
receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we
have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million
dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer
is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1
billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We
will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's
Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give
us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to
say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5
billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"
Added: Wednesday 22nd August 2007 00:00:01
KIDS EXPLAIN BIBLE
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):
'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'
'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'
'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'
'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'
'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'
'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'
'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'
'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'
'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'
Bless their little hearts!
Added: Thursday 16th August 2007 06:00:01
CATHOLIC VS JEWISH
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 10th August 2007 18:00:02
MIXING POLITICS AND RELIGION
The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were
burned at the stake.
Added: Friday 10th August 2007 12:00:02
WHAT'S HEAD?
A Priest is downtown when a hooker walks up, "Hey father, head, $10.00."
The Priest didn't understand and went back to the church.
He asks a nun, "What's head?"
The nun says, "$10.00, same as downtown!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by
Added: Thursday 9th August 2007 18:00:03
JUST A QUICK E-MAIL NOTE
A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he
reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this
note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S.: Sure is hot down here.
Added: Thursday 9th August 2007 06:00:02
SANTA'S ARMY
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Sunday 5th August 2007 06:00:01
GRIM REAPER
What did the Grim Reaper say to St. Peter before visiting Frank.
Hey, I'll make him an offer he can't refuse...
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 2nd August 2007 00:00:02
PREACHER'S ASS (DONKEY)
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local
auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended
up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it,
he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his
surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local
paper carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher
to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to
a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day
read:
"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
$10.00. Next day the headline read:
"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run
wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Added: Wednesday 1st August 2007 18:00:02
PEARLY GATES
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 1st August 2007 12:00:02
THE PREACHER'S LAST REQUEST
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker
and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As
they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and
stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that
the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final
moments. They were also
puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication
that he particularly liked either of them. They both
remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,
covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm
in their seats.
Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to
come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I
want to go."
Added: Monday 30th July 2007 06:00:02
RABBI VS. I.R.S.
After getting a job at the IRS, a young hotshot gets his first assignment, auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. “Rabbi,” he says, “what do you do with your candle drippings?”
“Well,” the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, “we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle.”
“I see,” the taxman says. “And what about the crumbs from your table?”
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. “Well, we send them to the matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of matzo balls.”
Nodding, the auditor asks his final question. “So tell me,” he asks, furrowing his brow, “what do you do with the foreskins from circumcisions?”
By now, the rabbi is fed up. “Well, we send them to the IRS,” he answers slowly. “And every once in a while, they send us a little prick like you.”
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 22nd July 2007 06:00:01
NUNS CONFESSIONAL
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My right hand."
The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."
The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"
The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"
The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"
The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"
Added: Friday 20th July 2007 12:00:02
CONFESSION
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels (front rolls) on your way to the altar.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 18th July 2007 06:00:02
JOHN PAUL AND LIZZY
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'
The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'
The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'
So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'
The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'
So the Pope head butts her.
Added: Tuesday 17th July 2007 12:00:02
A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Added: Monday 16th July 2007 06:00:02
ATHEIST PROFESSOR
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did
you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Added: Thursday 12th July 2007 12:00:02
NEW TWIST ON AN OLD PRAYER
A woman had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, the
"Lord's Prayer". She carefully enunciated each word, right
up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
Added: Saturday 7th July 2007 12:00:01
A+ STORY
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The short story had to contain the following three things;
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 7th July 2007 06:00:01
MATZO BALLS
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday
dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the
Jewish couple announced, "This is matzo ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzo balls in the soup, the Gentile
man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently,
the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a
taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a
small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and
tasting it gingerly. Liking it, he quickly finished the
soup.
"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts
of the matzo?"
Added: Friday 6th July 2007 00:00:02
LYSDEXIC HUMOUR
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd July 2007 06:00:01
DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Added: Saturday 30th June 2007 06:00:03
WHAT IS THE STRETCHIEST SUBSTANCE IN THE WORLD?
NOTE: If you are easily offended by biblical jokes, do NOT
read this.
--------------------------------
A teacher asked her clase, "What's the strechiest substance
in the World?"
Up jumped little Tommy, "I know this one sir."
"Yes Tommy, what would say is the most stretchy substance in
the world?"
"Human skin sir." said Tommy.
"I don't think so, but what makes you say that it's human
skin Tommy?"
"It says so in the Bible sir."
"I can't recall reading this in the Bible Tommy. Perhaps you
could quote it for us." said the teacher.
"Yes sir. It says " . . . and Jesus tied his Ass to a tree
and walked 3 miles into Jerusalem."
Added: Tuesday 26th June 2007 12:00:04
AN ARM AND A LEG
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.
So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you should wish it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history...
Added: Tuesday 19th June 2007 12:00:03
GUEST PREACHER
The guest preacher began his remarks with: " As I understand it, my job is to preach and yours is to listen."
"If you finish before I do, please let me know."
Added: Friday 15th June 2007 18:00:07
TEN NEW COMMANDMENTS
Important news from the Vatican.
The new Pope wants to change the image of the Vatican.
He thinks it looks too old and is making changes so that it fits society today, he has even ordered ten new commandments.
Added: Thursday 14th June 2007 00:00:02
BLOOPERS OF CHILDREN
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Added: Wednesday 13th June 2007 12:00:03
ABSOLUTION
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"
"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing."
Added: Monday 11th June 2007 18:00:02
MY DAD BRAGGING
Three boys were playing and were bragging about
their fathers. The first boy said: "My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper and calls it
a poem. He gets $50 for it."
Second boy said, "That's nothing! My dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a song and he gets $100 for it."
The third boy then said to the first two: "I
got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon and it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Added: Saturday 9th June 2007 18:00:02
CONFUSED
What do you call a nun with a sex change?
Tran-sister.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 8th June 2007 18:00:02
ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.
Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Added: Monday 4th June 2007 06:00:04
CAR JUST BROKE DOWN
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
Added: Sunday 3rd June 2007 12:00:01
LAST SUPPER
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.
But there's one tradition that very few people know about...
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.
Added: Friday 1st June 2007 18:00:05
FATHER AND SON INTERPRET THE BIBLE
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of
his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you,
son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your
Bible a little, and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided
that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After
about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father
about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son,
I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up,
and I've observed that you've been
studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the
Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't
got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
John the
Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that
Jesus himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you
also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
Added: Monday 21st May 2007 00:00:01
WHICH SERVICE
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in
the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up
and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said
quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Added: Sunday 20th May 2007 00:00:01
WHAT IS A TRICK
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.
"Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street."
Added: Friday 18th May 2007 18:00:02
DID YOU CALL ME?
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
Added: Wednesday 16th May 2007 18:00:04
FOOTBALL DICTIONARY
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:
BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH: The children's Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
COMMERCIAL: Announcements.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE: The pews.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.
HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).
PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the
pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
RAIN DELAY: Baptism
RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.
SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
PASS: When the new couple says no.
TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 15th May 2007 12:00:02
HOW MUCH?
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "Give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it.
Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Added: Tuesday 8th May 2007 00:00:02
CONVERSATION WITH GOD
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He
walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very
close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would
listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards
the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God
replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years
to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and
ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied,
"My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to
you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a
value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to
the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
Added: Saturday 5th May 2007 12:00:02
SIGNS SEEN NEAR CHURCH
The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
Added: Tuesday 1st May 2007 00:00:03
MOVING WITH JESUS
A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as
the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said,
"Let's say our prayers to Jesus."
The little boy asked, "Did he move with us too?"
Added: Saturday 28th April 2007 12:00:13
BARBER'S DON'T EXIST
The Bible says to have an answer for why you believe to those who ask you.
This is a good example of an answer to one of the most common reasons sinners give for ignoring God and His goodness.
A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and beard cut as always.
He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
Suddenly, they touched the subject of God. The barber said: "Look man, I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the client.
"Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of loving a God who permits all of these things."
The client stopped for a moment thinking, but he didn't want to respond so as to cause an argument.
The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop.
Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long time since he had his hair cut and he looked so untidy).
Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say they don't exist?" asked the barber. "Well, I am here and I am a barber."
"No!" the client exclaimed. "They don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who walks in the street."
"Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" affirmed the client.
"That's the point. God does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 27th April 2007 12:00:07
SILENCE
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 19th April 2007 12:00:05
MULTIPLE O'S
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms"
Added: Wednesday 18th April 2007 12:00:03
A NUN'S FIRST CONFESSION
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the
priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells
her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the
confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister
Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do
five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
Added: Sunday 8th April 2007 06:00:03
BLOOPERS IN THE CHURCH
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Added: Friday 6th April 2007 00:00:02
SISTERS OF MERCY
A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"
Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 00:00:01
TWO NUNS OUT WALKING
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what be wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical. Thank Cod you are here. Tell us what happened.
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And you thought this was a dirty joke...
Added: Sunday 25th March 2007 12:00:03
SEEING A CHILD IN NEED
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.
Added: Sunday 18th March 2007 00:00:02
ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk
to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets
the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our
bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to
dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look
under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
Added: Thursday 15th March 2007 18:00:02
EATING MISSIONARY'S
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.
I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
Added: Wednesday 14th March 2007 18:00:02
FORGIVE ME FATHER
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Added: Sunday 11th March 2007 00:00:02
THURSDAYS
A man goes to Hell.
The devil says, "Hello, welcome to Hell. Do you like to drink?"
Man says, "Yes, I love to."
Devil says, "Great, that's what we do every Monday. Hey, do you like to smoke?"
Man says, "Yes."
Devil says, "Great, that's Tuesday. Do you like to gamble?"
Man says, "Yes, that's why I'm down here."
Devil says, "Good that's what we do every Wednesday. By any chance are you gay?"
Man replies, "No."
Devil says, "Well then you're going to hate Thursdays."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 10th March 2007 00:00:01
DYSLEXIC JEW
Q: What does a dyslexic Jew say?
A: Yo!
Added: Friday 9th March 2007 18:00:01
PRAYER IN SCHOOLS
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools."
Added: Friday 9th March 2007 00:00:01
SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian
church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
Added: Saturday 3rd March 2007 12:00:02
23RD CHANNEL
The 23rd Channel
The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.
It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;
It leadeth me away from faith;
It destroys my soul;
It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the
sponsors sake.
Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian
responsibilities,
there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;
Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.
It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my
worldliness.
It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism; my
coveting runneth over.
Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days
of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house, just watching TV all the
time.
Added: Friday 2nd March 2007 06:00:01
100 NUNS
There are 100 nuns in a nunnery. One day the Mother Superia
calls an emergancy meeting.
"Nuns" she says, "a terrible thing has happened. I have
found a condom."
At the news 99 nuns went "Oh no!" and 1 went "Ha ha ha ha."
"If the Arch Bishop ever found out he would close us down!"
the Mother Superia said.
Once again 99 went "Oh no!" and 1 laughed.
"It gets worse" the Mother Superia continued, "It was
used!"
Again, 99 went "Oh no!" and one laughed.
"To top it all off," the Mother Superia finished, "It had a
hole in it!"
This time 99 laughed and one went "Oh no!!!"
Added: Wednesday 28th February 2007 00:00:01
MINISTER BILLY GRAHAM
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Added: Monday 19th February 2007 00:00:02
BURGLAR
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 11th February 2007 12:00:01
VOW OF SILENCE
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
Added: Wednesday 7th February 2007 18:00:02
WHOSE SON IS BETTER?
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your
Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says
'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't
know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs
500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH
MY GOD!'"
Added: Saturday 3rd February 2007 12:00:02
GETTING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.
On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good
morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You
got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite
but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while
later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The
Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the
wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a
little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he
says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing
song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning."
Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining
hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and
says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from
the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not
get up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your
Holiness, what is it you want."
The Bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was
ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
Added: Wednesday 24th January 2007 19:05:42
NUNS DISCUSSING DRINKS
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
Added: Wednesday 24th January 2007 07:05:41
DIRTY NUNS
Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.
The one in back says to the driver, "Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?"
The one in front replies: "No! It must be the cobblestones!"
and then there was...
Two nuns where in the shower.
One says "Where's the soap?"
The second says "Yes it does doesn't it"
Added: Wednesday 24th January 2007 01:05:41
THE FAITH HEALER
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie."
Added: Tuesday 23rd January 2007 07:05:39
GABRIEL'S TRUMPET
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."
Added: Sunday 21st January 2007 18:00:02
MONEY FOR PANTIES!
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th January 2007 00:00:03
AN UNUSUAL PRAYER
Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during the
dinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a
card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head
and gave thanks.
Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You
Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of
my enemies."
Added: Saturday 13th January 2007 00:00:02
ARCHEOLOGY
A team of archeologists were excavating in Israel, when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. The Star of David
They decided that this was a unique finding and that the writings were more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and brought it to the museum, where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement, you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Further proof of their intelligence is the fish, which means that when they had a famine and could not grow food, they took to the sea for food.
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
The president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. Everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again... It says, HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Friday 12th January 2007 06:00:03
BEFORE LIGHTNING STRIKES...
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught
stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it
was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned
around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to
pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll
stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was
getting closer! He prayed again,
"God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND
cussing!"
Still nothing . . . and the train was just seconds away! He
tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out
of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and
having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to
dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up,
dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks
anyway God, I got it myself."
Added: Monday 8th January 2007 12:00:02
PASTOR PAINTING CHURCH
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
Added: Thursday 4th January 2007 06:00:03
THE PERFECT GIFT
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife.
The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs."
Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it.
Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night.
The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 1st January 2007 12:00:02
HIGHLY RELIGIOUS HORSE
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
Added: Sunday 31st December 2006 00:00:05
THE OLD MONK
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
Added: Friday 29th December 2006 12:00:03
ROOM 8
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks,
"Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but
be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room
8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms
for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass
room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and
they think they're the only ones here.
Added: Sunday 24th December 2006 00:00:04
RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
Remember, there are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
Added: Friday 22nd December 2006 06:00:02
SEVENTEENTH CHAPTER
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Added: Friday 22nd December 2006 00:00:04
ONE GOD
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one god.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 21st December 2006 18:00:02
CLOSING SERMON WORDS
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Added: Monday 18th December 2006 18:00:02
ANIMALS GO TO HEAVEN
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'
Added: Saturday 16th December 2006 12:00:02
THANKS TONY
The country was in such a terrible state,
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Gordy spoke
When he did he said "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"
Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,
Chris Smith said "Now Gordon look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer ?"
Mandy arose and looked very glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like bum"
Gordon replied and sounded quite airy
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy"
Up got Hague to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Margaret Beckett, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Gordon "Put that on your bill"
Prescott shouted "I think I'll resign
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"
The debate carried on, oh what a night
Many were bonking any woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through
So now in the bedrooms of England each night
There's many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes
If ten quid a time is the price we must pay,
It's now with ourselves we are forced to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of our country, we have Tony to thank.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 16th December 2006 00:00:04
YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
Added: Friday 8th December 2006 18:00:02
BLIND MAN
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says.
"Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower, send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts, "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Friday 8th December 2006 00:00:04
WERE YOU GAMBLING?
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when
the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead
police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord,
forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police
officer,
he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were
you
gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No,
officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi
Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Added: Thursday 7th December 2006 00:00:03
PAYING THE EXORCIST
Q: If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Added: Wednesday 6th December 2006 12:00:02
I AM NOTHING
A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into
the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "O
Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!"
Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the
prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he
too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am
nothing!"
The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men
praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am
nothing!"
At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who
thinks he's nothing!"
Added: Tuesday 5th December 2006 00:00:05
RELIGIOUS EXAM
How do religious education teachers mark exams?
With spirit levels.
Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 4th December 2006 00:00:04
AFRAID OF THE DARK
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the
broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't
want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have
to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out
there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to
help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went
to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into
the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would
you please hand me the broom?"
Added: Saturday 2nd December 2006 18:00:02
ROOM KEY IN HEAVEN
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
Added: Friday 1st December 2006 06:00:02
ASSIMILATION
A young Talmud scholar who left Poland for America returns
several years later to visit his family. "But where is your
beard?" asks his mother. "Mama, in America nobody wears a
beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business
is business. In America, people work on the Sabbath." "But
kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America it's very
difficult to keep kosher." The old lady hesitates for a
moment and then, in a hoarse whisper, she says, "Shloime,
tell me one thing. Are you still circumcised?"
Added: Wednesday 29th November 2006 12:00:02
CLEANING LADY
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member.
The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.
The pastor thought to himself, "Oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her."
He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady.
He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Added: Tuesday 28th November 2006 00:00:05
A RELIGIOUS MOVEMENT
What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice?
A religious movement.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Friday 17th November 2006 12:00:02
BIBLE VERSES
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his
card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation
"Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Added: Friday 10th November 2006 18:00:02
WEDDING SERVICE
A young couple meets with their priest about their upcoming wedding.
When he asks whether they prefer a contemporary or a traditional service, they opt for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm hits as the groom is walking to the church. The streets are flooded, so he rolls his pant legs up to his knees to keep his trousers dry.
He finally reaches the church and is standing at the altar, breathless, just as the ceremony is about to begin.
The priest leans toward him and whispers, “Pull down your pants.”
“Uh, Father, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responds. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and yisman
Added: Thursday 9th November 2006 06:00:03
REJECTED BY ST PETER
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.
St. Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry."
Dejected, he turned and walked away.
The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.
You even married a girl named Penny."
The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either!
Added: Thursday 2nd November 2006 12:00:02
THE RABBI'S CONFESSIONAL
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the
confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."
Added: Wednesday 1st November 2006 18:00:02
GOD SAID SO
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I
am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!"
Added: Tuesday 31st October 2006 00:00:03
MEAL IN HEAVEN
A rabbi goes to heaven and meets God for the first time. A thought hits
him and asks God about what souls eat when they go to hell?
God just goes and tells him to look at what is being served.
So the rabbi peeks down below the clouds and behold it was mealtime in hell. The souls there were being offered a seven-course meal with New York Strip, mashed pototoes, tossed salad, cranberry sauce, and a bottle of wine was being passed around.
Meanwhile God informs the rabbi that it was time for his meal - all he got was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
He asks God why the guys down there were getting the royal treatment while he just gets a sandwich?
God replied: it simply does not pay to cook for two.
Added: Wednesday 25th October 2006 00:00:04
NOOKIE GREEN
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks,"Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 21st October 2006 06:00:02
DOCS GO TO HEAVEN
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.
St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.
St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.
St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.
St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 16th October 2006 06:00:03
GOD AND EVE'S CONVERSATION
GOD AND EVE SPEAK
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord,
I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive
tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or
listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard
time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than
you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether
bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a
burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Added: Saturday 14th October 2006 06:00:02
DRILLING A HOLE FOR THE HALO
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with
him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this
one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for
that.
Added: Friday 13th October 2006 06:00:03
LETTTER FROM GOD
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
Added: Friday 6th October 2006 06:00:02
ON YER SKATEBOARD?
Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,
'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly'
Saint Peter looked at Dave.
'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.'
Next Saint Peter looked at John.
'You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.'
Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.'
A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.
'What's wrong Sam?' they asked. 'You got the Ferrari. You're set forever. Why so down?'
Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
'I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.'
Added: Thursday 5th October 2006 06:00:03
THE NEW PRIEST GETS DRUNK!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Added: Wednesday 4th October 2006 18:00:02
WHERE IS GOD
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Added: Wednesday 4th October 2006 00:00:02
BOOB
God created Woman and she had 3 breasts.
He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created Man.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 3rd October 2006 00:00:03
DON'T TOUCH ME!
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"
He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"
Added: Monday 2nd October 2006 18:00:02
HALLELUJAH!
One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right momma, fuck 'em all."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 1st October 2006 00:00:02
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO YOU?
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
Added: Thursday 28th September 2006 06:00:05
SLEEP WALKING NUN
Question: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Answer: A roamin' catholic.
Added: Tuesday 26th September 2006 18:00:02
PMS IN THE BIBLE
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they
could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called
the woman aside and said PMS Is in the Bible, he showed her a
passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Added: Sunday 24th September 2006 00:00:03
DUST
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was
listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Added: Sunday 17th September 2006 12:00:02
NOAH'S ARK
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
Added: Sunday 17th September 2006 06:00:02
LEPRECHAUN BET
Two leprechauns have a bet.
To settle their bet, they take it to a convent.
Mother Superior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! It's a leprechaun!"
The first Leprechaun replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"
"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."
"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland that are my size?"
"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."
"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in the entire world that are my size?"
"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!"
"Okay then." The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you fucked a penguin!"
Added: Thursday 14th September 2006 00:00:04
CAN'T CHANCE IT!
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Halfway through their trip, the mother-in-law dies.
So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5,000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's an awfully big expense and I can assure you that we do a very nice burial here."
"Look," says the son-in-law, "two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 12th September 2006 18:00:02
P.M.S.
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Friday 8th September 2006 00:00:03
POOR BILL GATES
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Added: Wednesday 6th September 2006 18:00:02
NEVER BEEN KISSED
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 6th September 2006 06:00:02
BLOOPERS IN THE CHURCH
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Added: Thursday 31st August 2006 18:00:11
4 PRIESTS
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.
Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Added: Monday 28th August 2006 06:00:03
DEAD RINGER
The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell.
Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door.
The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms.
The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?"
The man said, "Let me show you."
So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the bell with his head.
The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, and then he goes flying through the window.
Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?"
The second priest said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell!"
Added: Sunday 27th August 2006 12:00:04
MEALS ON WHEELS
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?".
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.
Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their wish.
About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on Wheels'".
Added: Saturday 26th August 2006 18:00:02
THE END IS NEAR
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with
fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on
fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has
eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a
semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said.
"Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except
one fellow near the back.
"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister
asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well
meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.
Added: Thursday 24th August 2006 06:00:03
GOD VISITS EARTH
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a
visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar
and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me
enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal
life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never
believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer.
"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in
you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in
case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat
Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he
said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the
agnostic and I'll give you $100."
Added: Wednesday 23rd August 2006 00:00:04
NEW PASTOR
A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
Genesis 3:10: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."
Added: Monday 21st August 2006 06:00:03
ARTHRITIS
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
Added: Saturday 12th August 2006 18:00:02
TELLING EVERYBODY
An old man wonders away from a nursing home.
It is getting evening time and he comes up upon a bar that looked friendly enough.
He no sooner got inside when a young lady came up to him and asks, "Would you like a drink?"
"I sure would," he responded.
Then she asked him if he wanted to dance, and he quickly agreed.
They were not on the dance floor very long and she whispered in his ear, "Would you like to go home with me?"
"Wow, that's the best deal yet, sure would!"
The next morning he went to confession and said to the priest, "I am 85 years old, and I spent last night with a 28 year old woman."
The priest thought about it and decided that an 85 year old man couldn't have done much damage and said, "Go say 10 Hail Marys."
The man responded, "I can't do that, I am Jewish."
To which the priest responded, "Then what are you doing talking to me?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the old man. "I am 85, and I'm telling everybody I can!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 11th August 2006 00:00:07
JESUS
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 9th August 2006 18:00:03
SATAN VISTS THE CHURCH
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Added: Saturday 29th July 2006 06:00:10
A MINISTER DISCUSSES SEX
A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had
spoken on sex, so
he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days
later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and
they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."
Added: Thursday 27th July 2006 00:00:02
HELL'S ANGEL
What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 24th July 2006 12:00:09
GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but
since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a
way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also
need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .
. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .
. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to
woman."
Added: Sunday 23rd July 2006 00:00:03
BAT CURE
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in the loft and attic at the church. I've tried everything, noise, spray, cats, nothing seems to scare them away!"
Another said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... haven't seen one since!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 18th July 2006 23:49:04
ELEMENTRY KIDS
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected (incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. one of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Added: Saturday 15th July 2006 23:49:46
DEVOUT CATHOLIC
There's this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.
Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.
Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.
Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here."
Added: Wednesday 12th July 2006 05:50:31
THREE CHAIRS FOR THE BAPTISTS
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf
course and
invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many
weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show
up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there
wasn't a pew
available. Several church members were already seated on
folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service,
saw the three Baptist deacons
enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the
nearest usher,
"Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the
back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg
your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the
minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still
on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and
distinctly. "Three chairs.
For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to
face the
congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the
assembled
worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
Added: Wednesday 28th June 2006 17:53:37
MANNERS
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 26th June 2006 05:54:13
STUDENT'S QUESTION TO GOD
Student to God:
God, why didn't you stop that tragedy in the Littleton
schoool?
God to student:
I am not allowed in schools.
Added: Saturday 24th June 2006 23:54:31
THE NEW PRIEST
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new
priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,
yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about
that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding? What
happened next?'"
Added: Saturday 24th June 2006 05:54:41
GOOD CATHOLIC GIRL
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Added: Friday 23rd June 2006 11:54:50
NO ADVICE
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 20th June 2006 12:57:15
WILL POWER
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
Added: Friday 16th June 2006 23:53:06
SHARK FISHING
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
Added: Tuesday 13th June 2006 00:14:29
GAS PAN?
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic!"
Added: Sunday 11th June 2006 18:14:27
WANNA BE A STUD
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains. "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter? "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie.
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!"
Added: Tuesday 6th June 2006 18:14:24
THE PREACHER IS DYING
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Added: Thursday 1st June 2006 06:14:20
CIGARETTES MACHINE
A man and a woman are in a hotel and are about to have sex. They already have all of their clothes off and are in the bed when the woman says, "I want a pack of cigarettes."
The man says, "You want a pack of cigarettes... before?" She says, "Ya, I'll concentrate better if I have a smoke."
The man says, "OK," and goes to get a pack of cigarettes. He doesn't think to get dressed because it is so late. He goes to the cigarette machine and decides to buy two packs just in case. He starts heading back to his room when he sees three nuns. He poses as a statue and hopes they'll pass by.
The nuns come over to him and since they had never seen a naked man they thought he was a vending machine. The first nun searches for the trigger mechanism and pulls his johnson. Startled, he drops a pack of cigarettes. The second nun does the same and he drops the other pack of cigarettes. When the third nun executes the maneuver she says, "Look girls it has lotion, too!"
Added: Tuesday 30th May 2006 06:14:19
PRIEST AND A NUN
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Sunday 28th May 2006 18:14:18
LITTLE TALK ON PLANE
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she ways quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon."
Added: Friday 26th May 2006 06:14:16
HONEYMOON
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
After sitting down, ordering, and chit chatting the priest says, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realizes the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.
The priest is dumbfounded, and doesn't know what to do.
The rabbi leans over and whispers something in the man's ear.
The man walks off.
The priest says "Thanks, but what did you tell him?"
The rabbi replies "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 22nd May 2006 17:52:21
DIANA GETS IN
God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full.
However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity.
So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."
St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him.
He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven."
Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."
Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."
Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"
Freddie and Gianni are mortified.
"What's going on here?" Freddie cries. "We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!"
St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."
Added: Wednesday 17th May 2006 23:52:17
THE LORD PROVIDES
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
Added: Wednesday 17th May 2006 17:52:17
ADAM AND EVE
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend
to God's kids.
After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . We
got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break
and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?"
God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Added: Monday 15th May 2006 23:52:15
JESUS CHRIST
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 15th May 2006 05:52:16
7 DWARFS
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, 'Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.'
Added: Sunday 14th May 2006 11:52:14
HOW TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career
when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting
to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office
was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham
thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church
this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get
to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even
know your way to the post office."
Added: Saturday 13th May 2006 23:52:14
HOLY GOLFING GUIDE
There were three golfers.
One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.
The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.
As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.
The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.
However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.
Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.
Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.
Then Jesus shouted, "Dad! If you do that again,I'm going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!"
Added: Monday 8th May 2006 05:52:10
SEXUAL CONFESSION
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful. "
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Added: Sunday 30th April 2006 05:52:05
IRONING
Why did God create Eve?
To iron Adam's leaf.
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 29th April 2006 11:52:04
CHURCH BILLBOARDS
* It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of
sin.
* Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
* Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
* Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons . . . come hear
one.
* Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be
baptized.
Added: Thursday 27th April 2006 23:52:03
WHEN IS THE RESURRECTION?
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the
farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring
in the
vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the
farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for
Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it
gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
Added: Wednesday 26th April 2006 23:52:01
FOR THE SICK
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
Added: Wednesday 26th April 2006 17:58:57
WHAT ARE THE PICTURES?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
Added:
A LITTLE GIRL WANTS TO GO
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
Added:
CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Added:
A MINISTER TELLS A JOKE
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Added:
MINISTER GIVES SERMON
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Added:
A PROBLEM WITH TEETH
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
Added:
LETTERS TO THE PASTOR
The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
Added:
GOD GRANTING MIRACLES
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."
Added:
LIGHTNING JUST STRUCK
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."
Added:
TRULY INCREDIBLE DOG
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Added:
MODERN WORLD MORALS
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
Added:
WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Added:
LEARNING INFORMATION
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.
Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.
The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.
'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.
'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!
So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!
Added:
NEW OFFICE SUPPLIES
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
Added:
TELLING SOME STORIES
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
Added:
TWO TROUBLE MAKERS
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Added:
IMAGINE THAT
Can u believe what people do in the church these days?
I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.
I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.
Added:
THE TAXI DRIVER
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'
Added:
CARSTIANITY
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
Added:
CELEBRATE!
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be celebRate!"
Added:
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Added:
PREACHING PARROT
Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well."
"Well I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it."
"Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."
Added:
GOT HERE IN TWO
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
Added:
IRS AT A SYNAGOGUE
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.
"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"
"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.
"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "butn if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"
Added:
HELL MUST BE BETTER
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay, I've already got holes for that."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
PREACHER AND CABBIE
Preacher and Cabbie
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my congregation.
Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?
Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.
Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed nonstop.
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
JONAH'S FATE
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
Added:
FEMALE PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong, One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say when I ask " how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin',In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end, And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
CONFESSION
When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added:
ASLEEP IN CHURCH
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs. Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
RED WAGON
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking at the manager scene when he notice that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.
He immediately turned and went ouitside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that is in your wagon?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?" asked the pastor.
The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus.
I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
SEEING GOD
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction ,and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured ,she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."
Added:
CANDY OR CASH
Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.
'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said.
'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way.
They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'
'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?'
'Yes child, why do you ask?'
'Because the priests only give us candy!'
Added:
IN THE OFFERING
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Added:
IN THE CLOSET
Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear.
One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
"Gee, it's mighty dark in here," Timmy said.
"Yes, it sure is," replied the boyfriend.
"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?" asked Timmy.
"No way, kid. You're crazy," said the boyfriend.
"I'll scream," said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money.
The next time Timmy's grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.
"Where did you get the money for all those things?" she asked, but Timmy wouldn't tell her.
"Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest," said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.
As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, "Gee, it's mighty dark in here."
"Are you going to start that shit again?" the priest replied.
Added:
FIRST KISS
One day the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what's a headache?'"
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
NUN BEATEN BADLY
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........
"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"
Added:
LAWYER IN HEAVEN
A couple was driving along the freeway on their way to their wedding when they were in a car accident, and both were killed.
They were met in heaven by Saint Peter and they explained that they were to be married but now they are no longer with the living, but they still wanted to get married.
Saint Peter said, "Let me see what I can do."
A year passed and Saint Peter returned and informed them that they now could get married.
Six months later the couple went to the Angel and said, "We made a mistake and now we want a divorce."
Saint Peter said "It took me a year to find a preacher and now you want a lawyer!?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
WHEN HELL FREEZES
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him.
After reviewing his records, Saint Pete decided to let him in.
"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys.
That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him.
Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up.
The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.
Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava.
In one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
NUNS
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the nuns.
In an effort to get them to move, one of the men said in a very loud voice, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said "Why don't you go to hell.....there aren't any nuns there."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis, Tantilazing
and calamjo
Added:
MEMORIES
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out "CROSS.." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.
" The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
(GOTTA LOVE THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES)
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
CHRISTMAS
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added:
PEE IN CHURCH
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
PICKING UP NUN'S
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!"
Added:
SMOKING SISTERS
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
Added:
MISSING JESUS
It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
Added:
PASTOR'S ASS
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Added:
OJS CLOCK
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Added:
CAT IN HEAVEN
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.'
Added:
GOD WILL SAVE ME
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
Added:
SMOKE?
John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same Baptist church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh.
When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them............You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
CONFESSION BOOTH
Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth.
The first sinner comes in and says 'Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother' Jim thumbs through the book and finds 'cursing at mother'. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary’s and they are forgiven.
A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says 'Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test'. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three "our Father's" and they will be forgiven.
Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say 'Father please forgive me, I have sinned.' Jim says 'My son, What have you done' The sinner replies 'I have had anal sex' Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy 'hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?'
Bill shouts back 'Two twinkies and a coke!
Added:
WINE
A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
Smelling alcohol on the good father's breath and noticing a wine bottle on the passenger's seat, the state trooper asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
"Then, why do I smell wine?" the trooper inquires.
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, he's done it again!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
GATHER AT THE RIVER
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
Added:
MADE BY GOD
Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Added:
ARTHRITIS
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?''
''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
Added:
I'M DONE FOR
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm done for."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you're NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!"
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're done for!"
Added:
MOSES AND BUSH
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity.
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
Added:
DON'T SMILE!!!
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited bu Glaci
Added:
GOLFING
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.
Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.
"No problem!" he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.
"Not bad, young fella!" Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.
Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.
Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.
The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.
Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.
Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!
"Hooray!!! A hole in one!!!" Cried the old man.
Then Jesus steps up and says, "Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
Added:
CONFESSION
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman
Added:
IN THE BIBLE
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
SATAN VS JESUS
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Added:
PLUGGED IN
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend," the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm, well, let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.
After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added:
HELL'S TORTURES
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
BURNT OFFERING
Two men were down at the pub talking.
The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !"
The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"
"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
ACT OF GOD
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again, and again the congregation approved the increase.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses.
This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Yisman
Added:
BORROWING A MULE
There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.
He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.
The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.
So the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.
Finally, at the very edge he remembered, "Amen!" The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"
Added:
BUFFALO IN WYOMING
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Mary, this is meeee..."
"George," she answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," George answered.
"The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do all day long is eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"I'm so happy you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Wyoming."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
DEAD SEAGULL
A woman went to the beach with her children.
Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
Added:
BLOODY HELL
A bishop, who was a keen DIY man, was watching a carpenter at work in the house and trying to pick up the odd tip.
But the young carpenter found it a little off-putting and shortly hit his finger with the hammer, whereupon he let out a cry of "bloody hell!"
The bishop tut-tutted and remonstrated, saying he should count to ten and pray for easement.
Unconvinced but chastened, the carpenter continued growing all the more nervous at the bishop's presence.
Sure enough, disaster struck again as the chisel sliced off the end of his thumb.
Stifling a scream, he looked at the bishop, gritted his teeth and prayed.
Whereupon the piece of thumb suddenly leapt back into place.
"Jesus Christ," said the carpenter.
"Bloody hell," said the bishop.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
HAVING AN AFFAIR
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said...
"Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have
that other three dollars before sundown."
Added:
EVE WAS FIRDT?
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her.
"Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples," she says.
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her.
"What's a 'man', Lord?" she inquires.
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" she asks.
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first!"
Added:
NO PAPER IN HERE...
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while, the priest knocked on the wall.
The drunk said, "Forget it buddy, there's no paper in here either."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
MATH PROBLEMS
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.
"Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies.
"They must be teaching you some new tricks!"
"Not really."
"Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?"
"Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
Added:
LITTLE STACY
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant..."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
GOD'S HOLIDAY
God's sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so he's decided to go on holiday.
He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint and a joint.
'What about Mars?' says one of them.
'Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago,' says God. 'It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.'
'What about Pluto?' suggests another.
'Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago,' says God. 'F***ing freezing.'
'What about Mercury then?' says another.
'It's nice but I went there about 5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me bollocks off it was that hot. Never again,' says God.
'Well what about earth then?' suggests another.
'You must be joking,' says God, 'I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and they're still f***ing talking about it.'
Added:
WAL-MART VS HEAVEN
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: motto - EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: motto - EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
Added:
COYBOY IN CHURCH
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
Added:
BLONDE VS ST. PETER
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week
that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second -- "
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well.
Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Ollie !"
"Ollie ?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Ollie be thy name...
Added:
NO SHIT!!!
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning.
He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
Added:
PROSTITUTION
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Added:
GEORGIA FAR
A traveling salesman from New York was traveling through Georgia around Christmas time and stopped at a convenience store next to a church.
He told the lady cashier that the nativity scene next door was really beautiful but he couldn't understand why the three wise men had firemens helmets on.
The lady said "that's the trouble with you yankees, you never read your Bibles or you would know."
He said "maam, I have read my Bible through three times and I have never seen anything to explain this."
She said, " I will show you" and opened up her bible. " It says right here that the three wise men came from a "far".
Added:
ADAM & EVE
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''
And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''
And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''
Added:
KICKING IN THE FENCE
Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.
The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.
GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you".
Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence"?
Added:
MAKING GOD LAUGH
Q: How can you make God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans for the future.
Added:
PLAY WITH THE BOYS
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Added:
SCREWED
An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.
Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, “Oh, God, I’m screwed.”
Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, “No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly.
Then the voice from heaven booms again, “There . . . now you’re screwed.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
EBONIC LORD'S PRAYER
The Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us
don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil
'Cause you always be da Man
Added:
CATHOLIC MATH
This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it's priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he'll try him over there.
His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.
His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -"A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that's your worse subject?"
" Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign - I knew they weren't mucking around!"
Added:
VATICAN VISIT
As you've probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to Rome.
You know how they got them all to come back?
They told them that there was going to be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir.
Added:
VATICAN MUSIC
The Vatican is releasing a new CD that features Pope John Paul II reciting prayers while rapping to rock music.
I think the new Pope is taking this thing a bit too far because today he announced he's having a feud with the West Coast rappers!
Added:
WATER INTO WINE
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Added:
CARDINALS TEST
Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.
He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. "you passed", the Cardinal said.
He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. "you passed."
He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.
The Cardinal said "all of you passed." The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went "ding, ding,ding."
Added:
DAILY BREAD
A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken...' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken..."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken...'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"
Added:
HALLUCINOGENS
The Supreme Court has agreed to rule on whether a church in New Mexico can celebrate rituals with a tea spiked with hallucinogens.
In response, the church’s spokesman said, “We are glad that the Supreme Court has agreed to ... Wow, man your face is melting.”
-Rob Bates
Added:
STAND UP
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
He was amazed that most of the members of the congregation stood up, and then it dawned on him..
The minister turned to the organist, "I didn't tell you to play the Star-Spangled Banner!"
Added:
ARTHRITIS
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"
Added:
|
