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REDNECK JOKES (updated Friday 24th May 2013 12:00:01 EDT)
REDNECK HOTEL
An older couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room, this is the elevator!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 23rd August 2011 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 45
You might be a redneck if...
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection
Added: Friday 19th August 2011 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 34
You might be a redneck if...
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
Added: Tuesday 16th August 2011 00:00:01
A COWBOY AND HIS WIFE
A cowboy and his wife come up to a hotel manager and the
cowboy says "Me and my wife here got married and we'd like a
room. The manager then says "Would you like the Bridal then?"
The Cowboy says "Nah I'll just hold on to her ears until she
gets the hang of it."
Added: Friday 12th August 2011 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 47
You might be a redneck if...
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Added: Wednesday 3rd August 2011 18:00:01
REDNECK BEEN HERE?
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Added: Wednesday 3rd August 2011 06:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 23
You might be a redneck if...
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
Added: Wednesday 3rd August 2011 00:00:01
NEW TO THE COUNTRY
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.
The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."
Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.
The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.
A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.
She says, "Sure, what do you need?"
The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"
Added: Saturday 30th July 2011 12:00:01
REDNECK FAMILY TREE
REDNECK FAMILY TREE
Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
am my own grandpa!
Added: Thursday 28th July 2011 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 79
You might be a reneck if...
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's ears.
Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.
You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
Added: Wednesday 27th July 2011 06:00:05
PIMP
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Saturday 23rd July 2011 06:00:05
REDNECK QUICKIES 20
You might be a redneck if...
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Added: Friday 22nd July 2011 06:00:01
7 WORD OBITUARY
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes
into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it
read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am,
there is a
7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few
seconds
says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983
Pick-up for
sale.'"
Added: Sunday 19th June 2011 06:00:01
32 REDNECKS
What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A full set of teeth.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 15th June 2011 12:00:01
NEW USE FOR SHEEP
Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
Wool.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 10th June 2011 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 29
You might be a redneck if...
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
Added: Monday 6th June 2011 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 40
You might be a redneck if...
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Added: Saturday 4th June 2011 18:00:01
REDNECKS & TORNADOS
What does a Redneck and a Tornado have in common? Trailer parks......sooner or later they both end up in one...
Added: Friday 3rd June 2011 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 11
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Added: Thursday 2nd June 2011 18:00:02
REDNECKS & TORNADOS
What do Rednecks and tornados have in common? Answer: Sooner or later, they both end up in trailer parks.....
Added: Thursday 26th May 2011 06:00:01
REDNECK HERO
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 23rd May 2011 18:00:01
REDNECK AND A TRAILER
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
Added: Monday 25th April 2011 12:00:01
REDNECK SEX TEST
Redneck Sex Test.
1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Houston. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
True or False
Added: Monday 25th April 2011 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 28
You might be a rednack if...
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.
Added: Sunday 24th April 2011 18:00:01
YOU MUST BE A REDNECK IF
* You recycle your own toilet paper
* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
* You hunt from your bedroom window.
* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
* You refrigerate your food stamps.
* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"
* You take a beer to a job interview.
* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
* You go to Goodwill to meet women.
* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
Added: Friday 15th April 2011 00:00:01
FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for
Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked
each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just
a few mistakes.
Others couldn't get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50,
right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told
his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him,
"That's because you are from Arkansas, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the
students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way
through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but
Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his
prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to
him, "Son, that's because you are from Arkansas."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny
ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that
because I'm from Arkansas?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Added: Thursday 7th April 2011 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 39
You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
Added: Monday 21st March 2011 00:00:01
SOMETIMES IT IS BEST TO SAY NOTHING
A red neck was brought in as a suspect of a rape case. He
was put into a lineup and when the victim came in to do the
identification the red neck jumped up and down screaming,
"That's her! That's her!"
Added: Sunday 20th March 2011 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 71
You might be a reneck if...
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
Added: Saturday 12th March 2011 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ... NAMES
You might be a redneck if you have four or more brothers
named after Old Testament prophets.
Added: Friday 11th March 2011 12:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 21
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Added: Tuesday 8th March 2011 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 14
You might be a redneck if...
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
Added: Sunday 6th March 2011 18:00:01
HILBILLY SEX
There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out.
Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Player
Added: Sunday 20th February 2011 12:00:01
IT'S THE WAY YOU
It's the way you say it...
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
Added: Saturday 12th February 2011 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 1
You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame
Added: Monday 7th February 2011 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 15
You might be a redneck if...
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
Added: Saturday 5th February 2011 18:00:01
MOTHER TELLS SON HOW
"Mom, how did I get my name?"
asked a boy "I name all my children after the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your sister's name is Running Deer and your brother's name is Crawling Lizard. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?"
Added: Saturday 5th February 2011 12:00:01
VALENTINES, REDNECK STYLE
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Added: Wednesday 2nd February 2011 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
Y'might be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein' on the stains!
Added: Sunday 30th January 2011 18:00:01
ALABAMA STATE TROOPE
Two buddies were speeding through the great state of Alabama when to their surprise, out pops a state trooper and pulls them over. The state trooper approaches the driver side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The driver rows the window down. The state trooper smacks him on the back of the head and ask for license and registration. The trooper then proceeds to write him a ticket and has the driver sign it. But, just before leaving, the trooper walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The passenger rows the window and smack the trooper goes upside his head. The passenger says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making all your dreams come true!" The passenger confused and dazed says, what? Trooper replies, when you get down the road there a ways you're going to say to your buddy,"I wish he would have tried that shit with me!"
Added: Sunday 30th January 2011 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 28
You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
Added: Saturday 29th January 2011 06:00:01
REDNECKS FLYING HOME
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
Added: Sunday 23rd January 2011 18:00:01
COW PAT LIP GLOSS
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister, " said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Added: Sunday 23rd January 2011 00:00:01
HICK COMPUTER TERMS
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Added: Thursday 20th January 2011 12:00:01
TOWN INSPECTOR FOR S
This town Inspector for the state of Texas was saent to a small town in West Texas.For Mapping Purposes. He drove into a small town and parked his car. The first thing he saw was a Cowboy chasing a coyote down the street. The Cowboy caught the coyote and comensed having sex with it in broad daylight in the middle of the street. The Inspector got all irate and said to himself,"I got to report this to the Sheriff."
He runs to the Sheriff's office next door. The Sheriff wasn't there. The Inspector walked outside, asked a person on the street where the Sheriff might be. The person said at that time of day, the Sheriff was always at the bar.So the Inspector went to the bar,walked in, saw the Sheriff standing at the bar. As he was going towards the bar,he noticed an old man in the corner whackin' off! This really upset him. He went over to confront the Sheriff. He said,"Sheriff,I'm with the State. I've come to inspect your town. The first thing I see is a Cowboy chasing a coyote down main street; catching it, and comensin'to have sex with it! Then I come to find you to report it, and I see an old man in the corner whackin' off! How do you explain it?"
The Sheriff cocks his hat back and scratches his head;looked squarely at the Inspector and said,"You don't expect a man his age to catch a coyote do ya?"
Added: Wednesday 19th January 2011 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 40
You might be a redneck if...
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.
People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.
Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.
You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
Added: Sunday 16th January 2011 18:00:01
BUCKWHEAT & DARLA
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Added: Thursday 30th December 2010 12:00:01
HILLBILLY IN HOSPITA
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know any thing that's going on."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.
"He don't know nothing now."
Added: Wednesday 29th December 2010 00:00:01
TRAILER
What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?
Nothing, you're gonna lose the trailer either way!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Thursday 23rd December 2010 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 30
You might be a redneck if...
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
Your grandmother stands up to pee.
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
Added: Tuesday 21st December 2010 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 32
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
Added: Monday 20th December 2010 12:00:01
MANUAL FOR PRESIDENT
Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new Mexican President?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 22nd November 2010 00:00:01
A REDNECK PORCH
If your porch collapses and kills more than 7 dogs. You just might be a redneck.
Added: Saturday 20th November 2010 18:00:01
REDNECKS GO FISHING
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Added: Sunday 7th November 2010 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 26
You might be a redneck if...
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
Added: Tuesday 2nd November 2010 06:00:01
HILLBILLY VIRGIN
What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Added: Friday 22nd October 2010 06:00:02
MUSICAL TERMS MISUNDERSTOOD BY COUNTRY-WESTERN MUSICIANS
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo
players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to
Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose
that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole Order of
Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at
family barbecues
Middle C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food
stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba
Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair
off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the
mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's
toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the
completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your
tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've
already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to
catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one
when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know
what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget
to clock in
First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile
home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a
mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the
horses
Added: Wednesday 20th October 2010 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 17
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Added: Friday 8th October 2010 12:00:01
VACATION ADVICE
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Added: Wednesday 6th October 2010 18:00:01
VASECTOMOMY
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide trailer).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1,2,3,4,5....", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Added: Tuesday 5th October 2010 00:00:01
FREE SEX
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Added: Tuesday 21st September 2010 00:00:02
TRAILER TRASH
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 18th September 2010 06:00:01
HUNTING N F**KING
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin'to fuck."
Added: Friday 17th September 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 34
You might be a redneck if...
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
Added: Thursday 16th September 2010 06:00:01
ENGLISH CLASS
Little Bubba was in English class when the teacher asked him to use the word "European" in a sentence.
After thinking quite some time, Little Bubba responded, "After recess, I went to the boy's room and told Little Billy Bob, 'Watch what yer doin, yore a peein' on my new boots.'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 14th September 2010 00:00:01
REDNECK DATING PRACTICE
You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!
Added: Monday 13th September 2010 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 02
You might be a redneck if...
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
Added: Wednesday 8th September 2010 00:00:01
ESTATE GOES TO WIDOW
A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
Added: Thursday 2nd September 2010 12:00:01
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
Added: Saturday 28th August 2010 06:00:02
FROM YUPPIE BUSINESSMAN TO REDNECK IN 35 EASY STEPS
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined executive shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
5) Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
6) Use necktie to wipe nose.
7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.
10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
11) Shout with laughter for no reason.
Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!
12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
13) Untie and remove natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.
14) Strip off classy, expensive tailored Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.
Note: Removal of business suit can be traumatic for an uppity upper class businessman. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.
15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer.
16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
17) Cut up Ivy League degree.
18) Put on overalls. Walk around in hem to get used to your new look.
19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.
20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
27) Sell Porsche.
28) Buy used pickup.
29) Sell condo.
30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.
31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.
32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.
33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!
Added: Tuesday 24th August 2010 18:00:01
FULL SET
What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Added: Thursday 19th August 2010 06:00:02
REDNECK COPS
It is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day... Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.
Billy-bob, "Hey billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?"
Billi-jo, "Sure billy-bob!"
...now its 11:00 at the police station...
Billy-bob, "Hey Billi-jo...can I stick my finger in your belly-button?"
Billi-jo, "Sure Billy-bob!"
...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!
Billy-bob, "Hey Billi-jo... can I stick my finger in your belly-button?"
Billi-jo, "Sure billy-bob!... wait! Billy-bob thats not my belly-button."
Billy-bob, "I know... and thats not my finger!"
Added: Monday 9th August 2010 18:00:01
NAMING THE TWINS
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"
and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Added: Tuesday 3rd August 2010 18:00:01
THE REDNECK ANIMAL PARK
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very "in the
mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,
there were no male gorillas of the species available. While
reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the
park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I
don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never
tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly
agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500."
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 22
You might be a redneck if...
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
Added: Monday 26th July 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 26
You might be a rednack if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
Your dog is your alarm clock.
Added: Friday 23rd July 2010 12:00:02
TOOTHBRUSH
The toothbrush had to be invented in W.V., because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited By Glaci
Added: Monday 19th July 2010 18:00:02
REDNECK VALENTINE
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to
have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer
than Blue's And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't
got no scales But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're
as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my
head high When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm
in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you
married me Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did
to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To
patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't
mean like no far ant Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You
sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life
is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl
sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on
blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go
together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git
it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at
Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too
special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than
diamonds it's a new ridin' mower.
Added: Monday 12th July 2010 00:00:01
LETTER FROM HOME
A letter from an Arkansas Mother to her Son...
Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in
forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little
better off now, because we have so much money now we don't
know what to do with
it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought
to do something about fixing up the house.
We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you
hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in
shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something
like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over
on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink
where you
wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really
got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it
clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the
other foot.
Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the
bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid
has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's
picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent
us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very
well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of
yourself.
Maw
Added: Wednesday 7th July 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK TESTS
Do you qualify to be a redneck? Find out below!
* You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
* You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!
* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!
* You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.
* You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.
* You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard!
* You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!
* You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!
* You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
* You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
* You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!
* You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
* You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!
* You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!
* You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!
* You might be a redneck if "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit!
* You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling!
* You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!
Added: Tuesday 6th July 2010 00:00:01
RED NECK ON THE JURY
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Added: Saturday 3rd July 2010 06:00:01
A REDNECK GETS SHOT
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Added: Friday 2nd July 2010 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 77
You might be a reneck if...
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Added: Saturday 26th June 2010 06:00:01
EXPENSIVE FISHING TRIP
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Added: Sunday 20th June 2010 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 2
You might be a redneck if...
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Added: Thursday 17th June 2010 06:00:01
DOWN SOUTH BUMPER ST
Southern Bumper Stickers...
=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. => I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. => WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. => You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. => BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. => I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. => So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! => I'm just driving this way to piss you off. => Keep honking, I'm reloading. => As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. => I took an IQ test and the results were negative. => Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. => Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
Added: Monday 14th June 2010 06:00:01
TRAINEE COWPOKE
More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke.
Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing Dennis is a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see, said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 13th June 2010 00:00:02
JOIN THE AIRFORCE
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Added: Saturday 12th June 2010 06:00:01
HOUSE TRAILER
What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Added: Wednesday 9th June 2010 00:00:01
I.D.
A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver,
"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Added: Thursday 3rd June 2010 00:00:01
VASECTOMY TIME
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Added: Tuesday 1st June 2010 00:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 7
You might be a redneck if...
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Added: Monday 24th May 2010 00:00:01
GIVE BUDDA A CHANCE
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "one question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more chance!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Thursday 13th May 2010 00:00:01
MOOSEHEAD
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Added: Monday 10th May 2010 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 44
You might be a redneck if...
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get
Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
Added: Saturday 8th May 2010 12:00:01
I LOVE YOU
How to say....."I Love You"
in Different Languages
English.........I Love You
Spanish........Te Amo
French.........Je T'aime
German........Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu
Italian...........Ti Amo
Chinese........Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.........Nagligivaget
Greek...........S'Agapo
Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian.......Une Te Dua
Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian....Se Ret Lay
Persian........Du Stet Daram
Maltese........ien Inhobbok
Catalan........Testimo Molt
Redneck ......Nice Tits
Added: Tuesday 27th April 2010 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 75
You might be a reneck if...
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
Added: Sunday 25th April 2010 18:00:01
ELEVATOR MAGIC
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
Added: Wednesday 21st April 2010 18:00:01
ZOO
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 18th April 2010 00:00:01
"X" MARKS THE ONE!
How does a Redneck practice safe sex?
He puts X's on the cows that kick.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 11th April 2010 00:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 32
You might be a redneck if...
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
Added: Monday 5th April 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 27
You might be a rednack if...
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either.
You are driving the car you were conceived in.
You've ever used scissors on food.
Added: Saturday 3rd April 2010 12:00:01
HOT SHOT REPORTER
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on
assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation
with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he
suggested they get their
own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily
agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at
once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he
thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed
nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Added: Friday 2nd April 2010 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 61
You might be a reneck if...
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
You don't know what a redneck is.
You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
Added: Monday 29th March 2010 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 54
You might be a reneck if...
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
Added: Sunday 28th March 2010 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 20
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Added: Wednesday 24th March 2010 18:00:01
BEAR HUNTING
Two Rednecks went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Added: Sunday 21st March 2010 12:00:01
AN IOWAN VISITS ARKANSAS
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white
wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around
here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell
is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's
OK boys, he's one of us!"
Added: Friday 19th March 2010 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 14
You might be a redneck if...
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
Added: Sunday 14th March 2010 18:00:01
REDNECK COWBOY
A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, "Your dog is in heat."
The redneck cowboy answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool cause he's tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex."
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!"
Added: Friday 12th March 2010 12:00:02
VALENTINES, REDNECK
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 50
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 00:00:01
DISAPPEARING CRAYONS
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring
books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them
crayons?"
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
You're a redneck if...
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
Added: Tuesday 2nd March 2010 18:00:01
GETTING THE STORY STRAIGHT
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
Added: Saturday 27th February 2010 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 12
You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Added: Sunday 21st February 2010 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 36
You might be a redneck if...
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.
Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
You have a clawfoot bathtub.
You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.
Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.
Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
Added: Saturday 20th February 2010 18:00:01
LECTURE ON SUPERNATURAL
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good
start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15
students raise their hands. "That's a great response."
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise
their hands. "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt
and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The
professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a
step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving
this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Sheeyit..... From back there
it sounded like you said 'goats'".
Added: Sunday 14th February 2010 00:00:01
100 POUND PIG
Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
Added: Sunday 7th February 2010 18:00:02
FARM TRUCKS
Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
Added: Tuesday 2nd February 2010 12:00:02
PICK UP LINE
Q.What's te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?
A.Get in the truck!
Added: Sunday 31st January 2010 18:00:01
REDNECK COMPUTER
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Added: Friday 29th January 2010 06:00:01
IS HE DEAD?
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 27th January 2010 12:00:01
REDNECK WANTS TO FIGHT
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Added: Monday 25th January 2010 00:00:01
STUPID WIVES
John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives.
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"
Added: Saturday 23rd January 2010 18:00:02
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
Added: Saturday 23rd January 2010 12:00:01
A REDNECK CHRISTMAS
You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop!
Added: Friday 22nd January 2010 06:00:01
REDNECK VACATION
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by yisman
Added: Wednesday 20th January 2010 12:00:01
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
Added: Sunday 10th January 2010 12:00:02
WELFARE OFFICE
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 4th January 2010 12:00:01
U-TURN
A farmer goes for his driving test. During the test the instructor says to the farmer, "Can you make a U - turn?"
The farmer replies. "No, but I can make its eyes water."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 31st December 2009 18:00:01
DIFFICULTIES IN LIFE
Q. What's long and hard on a Redneck?
A. Third grade.
Added: Thursday 31st December 2009 12:00:01
STILL MARRIED
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
Added: Wednesday 30th December 2009 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 60
You might be a reneck if...
You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
Added: Tuesday 22nd December 2009 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 65
You might be a reneck if...
Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.
Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.
Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You've given your gun a woman's name.
Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
You go to the post office to research your family tree.
Added: Friday 18th December 2009 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 58
You might be a reneck if...
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
Added: Thursday 10th December 2009 00:00:01
SENIOR YEAR
You might be a red neck if you refer to the 5th grade as "my
senior year."
Added: Sunday 6th December 2009 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 59
You might be a reneck if...
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
Added: Saturday 5th December 2009 00:00:02
ARKANSAS
Arkansas..
3 million people,
15 last names.
Added: Friday 27th November 2009 00:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 68
You might be a reneck if...
You can chew your own toenails.
You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.
Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Added: Sunday 22nd November 2009 18:00:01
HARD
What is particularly long and hard for most Southern men?
Fifth grade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 16th November 2009 12:00:01
CLARENCE
A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named
Clarence. They got into a huge fight and she told her two
brothers (Billy Bob and Billy Jim) about it. They jumped into
their pick-up truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the
score with Clarence. They reached teh state line and after
passing under an over-pass, Billy Bob made a quick U-turn and
headed back home quickly.
Billy Jim asked why he had turned around.
Billy Bob replied, "I ain't messing around with that dude.
Did you see that sign back there? 'Clearance 14 feet 8
inches.'"
Added: Friday 23rd October 2009 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 6
You might be a Redneck if...
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You picked your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Added: Wednesday 14th October 2009 06:00:01
A REDNECK OIL CHANGE
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Added: Friday 2nd October 2009 00:00:01
LAST DITCH EFFORT
Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Added: Monday 28th September 2009 06:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 18
You might be a redneck if...
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Added: Friday 25th September 2009 12:00:01
VIRGIN
What do you call a virgin in Arkansas?
A 12 year old that can run faster than her daddy.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 22nd September 2009 06:00:01
REDNECK THEFT
You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.
Added: Friday 11th September 2009 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 72
You might be a reneck if...
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.
People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.
Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.
You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
Added: Sunday 6th September 2009 00:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 25
You might be a rednack if...
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
Added: Wednesday 2nd September 2009 06:00:01
REDNECK ANTHEM
You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Added: Friday 28th August 2009 12:00:02
CHICKEN BONE
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."
Added: Monday 24th August 2009 18:00:01
TOOTHBRUSH
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
Added: Saturday 15th August 2009 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 38
You might be a redneck if...
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You've ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.
You can chew your own toenails.
You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.
Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.
Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.
You consider your annual bath one too many.
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
Added: Wednesday 12th August 2009 00:00:01
BILLY BOBS NEW JOB
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"
Added: Tuesday 11th August 2009 18:00:02
RED NECK'S LAST WORDS
What does a red-neck say before he/she dies?
(in red-neck grammer): Hey y'all watch this!
Added: Tuesday 11th August 2009 12:00:01
FIX THE OUTHOUSE
Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she
hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Jethro,
get out there and fix that there outhouse."
He says, "All right, Maw."
He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw,
there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the
hole."
He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there
ain't nothin'
wrong with this here outhouse!"
He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw!
MAW, my beard's
stuck!"
She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
Added: Saturday 8th August 2009 18:00:02
MOVING CARS
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning
coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the
odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their
cups of morning
coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4
inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on
the even numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with
their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will
be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the
power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the
instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do
now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."
Added: Saturday 1st August 2009 12:00:01
REDNECK ETIQUETTE
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 26th July 2009 00:00:01
PICK UP LINE.
Q.What's te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?
A.Get in the truck!
Added: Thursday 23rd July 2009 18:00:01
ITS THE WAY YOU TALK
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question, "Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and yelled, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Tuesday 21st July 2009 12:00:02
EATING A POSSUM
How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?
Two.
One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Added: Saturday 18th July 2009 06:00:05
ADVICE TO NORTHERNER
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy".
"Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", is 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
Added: Monday 6th July 2009 18:00:01
BIG CITY CHURCH
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 5th July 2009 06:00:05
RED NECK ON THE JURY
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get
the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck
was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He
told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could
convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to
manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict
of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house,
told him what a great job he had done and paid him the
$10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the
rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They
all wanted to let him go.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 07
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
Added: Sunday 28th June 2009 18:00:02
STATUS,AGAIN.
Q. What would you call a Redneck who has successfully completed the 3rd grade?
A. Smart!
Added: Wednesday 24th June 2009 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 70
You might be a reneck if...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Added: Monday 22nd June 2009 18:00:01
BACK SEAT NECKING
The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"Nope", he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”
"No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Added: Sunday 14th June 2009 00:00:03
REDNECK JEDI
You might be a redneck Jedi if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
Added: Friday 12th June 2009 00:00:01
DEVOAR'S!
A redneck walks into a lawyers office and says, "I wants me a devoars!"
The attorney says, "Do you have gounds?"
"I gots 20 acres uh' the best bottom land in Alabamma."
"No I meant to ask do you have a good case?" replys the attorney.
"Yep, I rekkun so. I traded by International Harvester for it 'bout three four yar 'go.
The attorney says, "Well nevermind that. Does she beat you up?"
"Nawh, hell no! She don't roll outta bed til roun 8 9 o'clock and I'm up with the chickens 4:30 5:00 'ary mornin."
"Is she a whinner?"
"Nawh, we boaf hadta quit drinkin back in June cause the police said they'd lock boaf us up 'we didn't.
"Is she a nagger?"
"Nawh, but that nagger baby she just had show is and that's why I wants me a devoars."
Added: Tuesday 9th June 2009 00:00:01
CHEAP MEAT
Q: What's the cheapest kind of meat?
A: Deer balls. They are under a buck.
Added: Monday 1st June 2009 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 29
You might be a redneck if...
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
Added: Saturday 30th May 2009 12:00:02
DRINKING AND DRIVING
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down
the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's
a po-leece roadbloack! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'
these here beers!!"
Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it
on out forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you
boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."
Added: Friday 22nd May 2009 06:00:04
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 69
You might be a reneck if...
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.
You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.
Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.
You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.
Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.
You consider your annual bath one too many.
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
Added: Sunday 17th May 2009 06:00:04
RED NECK PHONE COMPANY
Q: What does a red neck call the phone company?
A: Taco Bell!
Added: Saturday 9th May 2009 00:00:01
HILLBILLY AND INDIAN
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave."
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.."
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
Added: Monday 27th April 2009 06:00:04
SLANTED NEWS
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when
one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other
boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the
dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes
over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend
from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.
"'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,"
says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
Added: Saturday 25th April 2009 06:00:05
RED NECKS DRIVING IN A CIRCLE
Q: What do you call a bunch of rednecks chasing a kid around
in a circle?
A: NASCAR
Added: Friday 10th April 2009 12:00:02
REDNECK STATUS
Q. What would a hillbilly change his name to--who had finished third grade successfully, moved to Ohio, got a job in a factory, and moved into a better trailer park?
A. Mount William
Added: Thursday 9th April 2009 00:00:02
REDNECK TRACK & FIEL
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
Added: Sunday 5th April 2009 12:00:02
SUPERSTITIOUS
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?"
the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?"
he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
Added: Tuesday 31st March 2009 18:00:02
REDNECK WEDDING
Q:
How can you tell when a redneck has a wedding?
A:
When theres tobbaco spit on both sides of the truck.
Added: Monday 30th March 2009 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 06
You might be a redneck if...
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
Added: Monday 23rd March 2009 06:00:05
REDNECK MORALS
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
Added: Wednesday 18th March 2009 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 37
You might be a redneck if...
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
Added: Monday 16th March 2009 00:00:01
NAMING THE TWINS
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
Added: Saturday 14th March 2009 18:00:01
THE SMART DOG
Some rednecks were sitting around talking about how smart their dogs were.
One redneck spoke up and said, "I'll tell you what boys, I house trained my hound dog Jake when he was just a pup. When he pooped on the floor, I would stick his nose in it and throw him out the door."
"Now," he continued, "when he poops on the floor, he sticks his own nose in it and jumps out the window."
Added: Saturday 14th March 2009 12:00:01
GOOD'NUFF FER US
Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'.
He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
'Billy Joe, be gentle, I air' never been with a man b'fore.'
'WHAT?'
shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck...
down the mountain...
straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming,
'Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!’
His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
'Billy Joe, what're you doin' here?'
Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
'Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she ain't never been with a man afore... so's I rushed outta there an' lit back here quick as I could.'
His father grasps Billy Joe's shoulder in reassurance and says,
'Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!'
Added: Wednesday 11th March 2009 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 05
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Added: Friday 6th March 2009 12:00:01
TELLING A WOMAN
Once, a redneck asked me : "what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?"
"what?"
"Nothing - you've already told her TWICE!!!"
Added: Wednesday 25th February 2009 18:00:02
REDNECK PICK UP LINE
What's the best pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice Tooth!
Added: Friday 20th February 2009 06:00:05
A REDNECK GETS SHOT
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Added: Thursday 19th February 2009 12:00:02
WHAT DO YOU GET?
What do you get with a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite hahahaha
Added: Tuesday 17th February 2009 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 66
You might be a reneck if...
You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.
You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
Your mother is hairier than your father.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.
Added: Friday 13th February 2009 12:00:01
REDNECK MEAL
Q: How many rednecks does take to eat possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to look out for cars.
Added: Saturday 7th February 2009 06:00:05
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 78
You might be a reneck if...
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Added: Tuesday 3rd February 2009 00:00:02
TEETH
If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.
Added: Saturday 31st January 2009 00:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 16
You might be a redneck if...
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Added: Sunday 25th January 2009 06:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 46
You might be a redneck if...
Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
Added: Friday 23rd January 2009 00:00:02
REDNECKS GO FISHING
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Added: Sunday 18th January 2009 18:00:01
FAIRY TALES
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!...
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 10th January 2009 12:00:01
YOUR STARSHIP CAPTAIN MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
1. Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a
month.
2. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
4. He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
5. He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
6. He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger
and aluminum foil.
7. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer
section.
8. He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open
hailing frequencies".
9. He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
10. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun
rack above it.
12. He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
13. He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14. He insists on calling his first officer "Bubba".
15. He sets the fore viewscreen to re-runs of "Bassmaster".
16. He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and
turnip greens.
17. He paints the starship camouflage green.
18. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
19. He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
20. His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21. His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls and
matching socks.
22. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
23. His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' Bubba after a
meal of beans and weenies.
24. He sets phaser to "Cajun".
Added: Saturday 3rd January 2009 00:00:04
HALLOWEEN
How do hillbillies celebrate Halloween?
They pump kin.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 1st January 2009 06:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 33
You might be a redneck if...
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
Added: Thursday 1st January 2009 00:00:01
NEW ROOSTER
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
Added: Sunday 28th December 2008 12:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
You might be a redneck if your truck's roof is higher than your trailer's.
Added: Thursday 25th December 2008 12:00:02
MARTHA STEWARTS GUIDE FOR REDNECKS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change
sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will
... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the
funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the
vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter
how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste
of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste
of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected
back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If
the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to
get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they cannot hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you
shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this
special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it
is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Added: Friday 19th December 2008 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 43
You might be a redneck if...
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Added: Tuesday 16th December 2008 06:00:01
REDNECK RIDDLE
What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert....
Added: Thursday 11th December 2008 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 24
You might be a redneck if...
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Added: Monday 8th December 2008 18:00:01
REDNECK HOTEL
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
Added: Saturday 6th December 2008 06:00:01
SAFE SEX
A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Added: Friday 5th December 2008 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 08
You might be a redneck if...
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Added: Wednesday 3rd December 2008 00:00:01
NO TO CRACK
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, "Just
say NO to crack!" and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
Added: Monday 1st December 2008 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
You might be a redneck if you go to cut the grass and find a car.
Added: Thursday 27th November 2008 06:00:01
REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough.
The husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and
told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any
more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
The couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from
Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get
a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to
his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5
. . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Added: Wednesday 19th November 2008 18:00:01
GIVING DIRECTIONS
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
there?"
Added: Saturday 1st November 2008 00:00:01
REDNECK ESTATE
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
Added: Tuesday 28th October 2008 06:00:01
THREE MEN FROM CANAD
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Added: Friday 24th October 2008 00:00:01
HICK COMPUTER TERMS
Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Added: Thursday 23rd October 2008 12:00:02
REDNECK WIFE
You might be a redneck if your jack-o-latern has more teeth than your wife.
Added: Wednesday 15th October 2008 00:00:01
BULLS SURVIVE TORNADO
There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had
cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible
twister came and the man and his family were only saved by
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all
over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened
by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had
survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out
flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and
asked them, "How is it that all the other animals are down
and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We bulls
wobble but we don't fall down!"
Added: Tuesday 14th October 2008 12:00:01
THE CHECK UP
An old man, who is hard of hearing, goes with his wife to
the doctor for his annual check up.
The doctor tells him that he needs a urine sample, a poop
sample, and a sperm sample.
The man turns to his wife and asks what the doctor has
said.
His wife replies, "He needs your underwear."
Added: Monday 6th October 2008 18:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 37
You might be a redneck if...
You keep a chainsaw in the trunk "just in case".
You've given your gun a woman's name.
Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
You go to the post office to research your family tree.
You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.
You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
Your mother is hairier than your father.
Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
Your grandma can bench press a
truck axle.
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
Added: Saturday 4th October 2008 18:00:01
SAD!
There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.
Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."
He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."
Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 1st October 2008 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 39
You might be a redneck if...
If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Added: Wednesday 1st October 2008 12:00:02
RESULTS OF A TORNADO
Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce
have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.
Added: Saturday 27th September 2008 00:00:01
ONE FOR THE VOLUNTEE
Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:
You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
"Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"
Added: Wednesday 10th September 2008 18:00:01
A ROCK SOLID DEFENSE
A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 18:54:15
HICKPHONICS
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland cashed in by
labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics,"
has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer
pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or
"Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern
schools.
A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The
following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English
dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is
Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an'
left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in
munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah
thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops,
and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure
hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother
from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that
thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup
truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and
the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire
in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard
at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage
in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n'
ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand
a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He
cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that
my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze
ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never
seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them
gummit boys shore are ignert."
Added: Tuesday 2nd September 2008 06:00:02
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Edited by Calamjo and Curtis
Added: Thursday 28th August 2008 00:00:01
ARKANSAS
Arkansas....
3 Million People
15 Last Names
Added: Friday 22nd August 2008 18:00:01
RED TRUCK
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here,muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 20th August 2008 18:00:02
A REDNECK OIL CHANGE
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Added: Thursday 14th August 2008 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 49
You might be a redneck if...
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
Added: Wednesday 13th August 2008 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 53
You might be a redneck if...
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Added: Sunday 10th August 2008 18:00:01
HICK COMPUTER TERMS
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Added: Tuesday 29th July 2008 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 48
You might be a redneck if...
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
Added: Sunday 27th July 2008 12:00:01
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a
highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers
for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project
whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel
drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before
the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the
final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
Added: Thursday 24th July 2008 06:00:01
A DRIVING APPLICATION
Redneck Driver's ApplicationPlez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name:[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess)Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]NoneShoe Size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________Lover's Name: __________________________2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse:[_] Sister [_] Aunt[_] Brother [_] Uncle[_] Mother [_] Son[_] Father [_] Daughter[_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed: ___Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)If you obtained a higher education what was yourmajor?[_] 5th grade [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them:___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are youare still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck ____ kitchen____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse____ shed ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _________ 194_Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___Color of teeth:[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black[_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer:[_] Red-Man [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road?[_] 1 mile[_] 2 miles[_] don't know
Added: Friday 11th July 2008 00:00:01
THE REDNECK TRUCKERS
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"
Added: Friday 4th July 2008 12:00:01
FORMAL WEDDING
Description of a formal redneck wedding.
The bride's father carries a white shotgun, her brothers, uncles, neighbors and former lovers wear clean jeans and flannel shirts, polish their boots, remove their "hats" (caps)during the ceremony, spit out their tobacco or snuff, and fill up the tank of the groom's "pick-em-up" truck, after removing the "I love My Truck" bumper sticker.
Added: Thursday 26th June 2008 00:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
You might be a redneck if...someone yells "HO-DOWN" and your wife hits the floor.
Added: Thursday 19th June 2008 12:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 74
You might be a reneck if...
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.
Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.
Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."
You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
Added: Saturday 14th June 2008 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 09
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Added: Thursday 12th June 2008 18:00:02
OIL CHANGE CHECKLIST
1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin a cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 10th June 2008 18:00:01
TRIGONOMETRY
A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.
The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.
The hillbilly heard this and said, "Great! Be sure and give him lot's of that there triggernometry! He's got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 6th June 2008 06:00:02
IN HOT PURSUIT
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"
"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
Added: Thursday 5th June 2008 06:00:03
REDNECK ROMANCE
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking
around town with nothing on except his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing
walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on
the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go
in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing
and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy.
Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I
should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my
boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay
Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one
here!"
Added: Wednesday 28th May 2008 12:00:04
MA'S GONNA BE MAD
Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country.
One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.
When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Festus.
"Ma's gonna be mad," said Henry, "the pot's on this side."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 26th May 2008 18:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 5
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Added: Saturday 24th May 2008 06:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 11
You might be a redneck if...
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Added: Saturday 24th May 2008 00:00:03
REDNECK CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
You know your a redneck if you go shopping for your mother,
sister and aunt and only buy one gift.
Added: Sunday 4th May 2008 00:00:02
ONE FOR THE VOLUNTEERS
Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:
You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
"Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"
Added: Monday 28th April 2008 00:00:01
REDNECK LUNCH
An italian, a mexican, and a redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on. The italian opens his lunch and looks in and says "Salami again! If I get salami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building" The mexican opens his lunch and says "Burrito again! If I get a burrito one more day, I am gonna jump off this building" The redneck opens his lunch and says "P-nut butter and jelly again! If I get p-nut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building. The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds salami so he jumps off the building. The mexican opens his lunch and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building. The redneck opens his lunch and finds p-nut butter and jelly so he jumps off the building. Later, at the funeral the Italians wife cries out "I didn't know he disliked salami so much" The mexican's wife cries out "I wish I knew he was so sick of burrito's" The redneck wife says "Hey, don't look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!"
Added: Saturday 26th April 2008 12:00:04
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 38
You might be a redneck if...
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
Added: Sunday 20th April 2008 18:00:03
GIVE BUBBA A CHANCE
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."
Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"
Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.
The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"
There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
Added: Wednesday 16th April 2008 00:00:02
DONE THEM ALL!
Moments before a Redneck wedding, a groom and his best man, who go back a long way as friends and fellow playboys, compare conquests.
The groom says, “You know, except for my wife to be, and obviously my sister and my mother, I’ve slept with every woman here.”
“Well, then,” replies the best man, “between the two of us, we’ve had them all!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 15th April 2008 12:00:01
10 REDNECK CHECKS
1. You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
2. Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3. You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4. Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5. You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment!
6. Your family tree does not fork.
7. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8. You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9. You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income!
Added: Monday 14th April 2008 18:00:02
TWO ZEBRAS PONDERING
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is.'"
Added: Saturday 29th March 2008 18:00:03
LEAK
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
And the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 23rd March 2008 06:00:02
BROTHER AND SISTER
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.
Added: Sunday 23rd March 2008 00:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 31
You might be a redneck if...
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Added: Saturday 22nd March 2008 00:00:03
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF . . .
You know you are a redneck if you get written up on the
paper for a D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol)
and your family buys extra copies.
Added: Thursday 20th March 2008 18:00:03
A LETTER FROM AN ARK
Dear Son:
Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.
We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.
Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.
Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.
Maw
Added: Thursday 20th March 2008 00:00:03
RED NECK FILING SYSTEM
You might be a red neck if you lose your whole filing system
every time you use the sun visor in your pickup truck.
Added: Wednesday 19th March 2008 18:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 36
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
Added: Saturday 15th March 2008 18:00:03
CHICKENS
Two Rednecks are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 6th March 2008 00:00:02
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up
and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend
hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to
is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your
non-working R.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride
out in front of the K-Mart...
27. If your neighbours think you're a detective
because a cop always brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and
does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a
back scratcher
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's
it hangin?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because
you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer
at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something
in your teeth and you take them out to see what
it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange
juice because it said concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35
are not funny.
Added: Monday 3rd March 2008 06:00:02
THE REDNECK TRUCKERS
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"
Added: Wednesday 27th February 2008 12:00:02
BE CAREFUL WITH THE SAFETY
A guy from Arkansas walks up the complaint department in a
large department store and says, "I'm really pissed at you
folks! This shotgun I bought for my brother doesn't work."
The clerk at the counter takes the gun, looks it over, and
flicks a switch. "There," he says, "you didn't disengage the
safety catch first."
The Arkansan takes the gun back, looks at it for a second,
then squeezes the trigger. The blast blows a six-inch hole
in the clerk's chest. He falls to the floor in a pool of
blood and gore.
The Arkansan looks over the counter for a moment, then
shakes his head.
"What a shame," he mutters. "He was a smart sucker."
Added: Sunday 24th February 2008 06:00:02
COOKED TOILET PAPER
Q: How does a redneck cook their toilet paper?
A: They brown it on one side then through it in the pot!
Added: Sunday 3rd February 2008 06:00:02
GOING TO THE MOVIES
Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
Added: Friday 1st February 2008 12:00:04
REDNECK TESTICLES
An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks "What are you looking at?"
The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husband's testicles. The English woman exclaims, "THEY ARE THAT BIG?"
The redneck woman says, "No, they are that dirty!"
Added: Saturday 26th January 2008 12:00:04
TRIGONOMETRY
A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.
The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.
The hillbilly heard this and said "Great! Be sure and give him lot's of that there triggernometry! He's got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!"
Added: Wednesday 23rd January 2008 00:00:02
OUT HUNTING
Two friends from the Ozarks went hunting.
When deep in the forest one of them stared shaking, turned pale, fell to the ground, thrashed around for a while and then lay still.
His friend was startled and worried. He had no first aid training and did not know what to do.
His friend had obviously had a seizure and perhaps had fainted or died.
He got out his cell phone and dialed a hospital in the nearest large city.
He described to the emergency room nurse what had happened and said that he was afraid that his friend had died.
The nurse told him to keep calm and make sure that his friend was really dead.
There was a pause.
The nurse heard a shot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, "Okay, I did that. Now what?"
Edited by Curtis and Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 15th January 2008 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 41
You might be a redneck if...
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Added: Tuesday 8th January 2008 12:00:02
PICK UP LINE
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
Added: Tuesday 8th January 2008 00:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 25
You might be a redneck if...
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Added: Monday 7th January 2008 00:00:01
ARMADILLOS
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.
Added: Wednesday 26th December 2007 06:00:02
ORAL SEX, REDNECK ST
Q. How do Rednecks engage in oral sex?
A. They go to opposite ends of the trailer, and shout "**** you" at each other.
Added: Tuesday 18th December 2007 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 62
You might be a reneck if...
You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".
Added: Sunday 16th December 2007 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE SOUTH
You Might be from the Soutn if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth
than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey,
y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending
on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front
yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law
against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high
school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Added: Friday 7th December 2007 12:00:01
IMPOTENT FARMER
An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn't know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&M's but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn't screw his cows. The other farmer said "Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy's and rub it on his nose."
The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife's panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.
"Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this."
His wife wakes up turns on the light and says "You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose."
Added: Saturday 1st December 2007 12:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 12
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Added: Friday 30th November 2007 00:00:03
LOGIC
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"
"And since you own a house, and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 23rd November 2007 12:00:02
REDNECK SEX ED
One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It’s about time we teach him about sex".
Ma said "ya know pa your right".
So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".
so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".
Pa said "junior it’s about time we teach you about sex".
Junior said "sex what's sex".
Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.
Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.
In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".
Junior says "their teaching me about sex".
Junior’s brother says "sex what's sex".
Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".Red
Added: Friday 9th November 2007 06:00:04
IN THE BIG CITY
A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City.
For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw - especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked,
'What's that there, Paw?'
The father responded,
'Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said,
'Go git your Maw.'
Added: Friday 9th November 2007 00:00:02
CORNFLAKES
Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school.
The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.
the next morning the twins got up "what do you want for breakfast" asked there dad to which one of the twins replied "i'll have some of those fucken cornflakes thanks" his dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.
"Now what do you want for breakfast" the dad asked to the other twin.
Well i won't have any of those fucken cornflakes thats for sure" the twin replied.
Added: Tuesday 30th October 2007 00:00:01
GOVERNORS MANSION
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Added: Saturday 13th October 2007 18:00:03
I LOVE YOU
English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Redneck..... Nice Tits
Added: Wednesday 10th October 2007 06:00:02
REDNECK WOMAN SHOWS
You might be a redneck if your ma has ever run out of the bathroom and said " Ya'll come look at this 'fore I flush it.
Added: Monday 8th October 2007 18:00:02
RED NECK DRIVER'S LICENSE
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name:
________________
(Check appropriate box) First name:
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not
sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_]
Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's
Name: __________________________ Lover's Name:
__________________________ 2nd Lover's Name:
__________________________ Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother
[_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number
of children living in shed: ___ Number of
children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name:
_______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check
appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of
vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front
yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of
vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom
____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please
explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times
you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not
Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
Added: Monday 8th October 2007 00:00:02
THAT DAMN CREDIT PLAN
Gentlemen:
I just received your long superheated letter in regard to
the bill I owe you. You said you thought it could have been
paid a long time ago. You couldn't see why it wasn't. Well I
will enlighten you. In 1907, I bought a sawmill, two ponies,
a breech loading shotgun, a Winchester rifle, a colt
revolver, and two fine razor-back hogs, all on that damn
credit plan.
In 1910, the mill burned down and it left me without a damn
thing. One of the ponies died, and I loaned the other to a
son-of-a-bitch who starved it to death. So I joined the
church.
In 1911, my boy got the mumps, and they went down on him and
the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. Then I went
fishing. The boat capsized, and I lost the biggest fish I
have ever caught and two of my sons drowned, but neither of
them was the one with his balls cut out.
In 1912, my father died and my brother was lynched for horse
stealing. A railroad man knocked up my daughter, and I had
to pay a doctor's bill of $300 to keep the little bastard
from being a relative of mine.
In 1915, my wife ran away with a bastard and left me with a
pair of twins as souvenirs. Then I married the hired girl to
keep down expenses. I had a lot of trouble in getting her to
put out, so I went to the doctor, and he advised me to create
so excitement about the time she was ready. That night I
took the shotgun to bed with me, and just when I thought that
she was ready I stuck the gun out of the window and fired.
Net results: My wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself, and
I shot the best cow I ever had.
I was burned out in 1931 and therefore took to drinking. I
didn't stop until all I had left was a Waterberry watch and
kidney trouble. For sometime all I did was wind my watch and
run to piss.
The next year I tried again. So I bought a manure spreader,
a Deering binder and a thrashing machine . . . all on that
damn credit plan. A cyclone came and blew everything into
the next county. My wife got VD from a traveling salesman,
my boy wiped his ass with a corn cob that had crabs on it,
and some bastard denutted my bull.
This still did not discourage me. I bought a swarm of bees
to raise some honey to sell. The damn queen bee took up with
a tumble bug, and the honey turned out half shit.
Listen brother, trying to get money out of me would be like
trying to pour hot lard up a wildcat's ass with a fork. But
mister, if you're willing to try, go right ahead.
"Yours for more credit"
Added: Friday 5th October 2007 00:00:02
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up
and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart
because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend
hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to
is Wal-Mart...
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your
non-working R.V...
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride
out in front of the K-Mart...
27. If your neighbours think you're a detective
because a cop always brings you home...
28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and
does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a
back scratcher
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's
it hangin?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because
you had jury duty...
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer
at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something
in your teeth and you take them out to see what
it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange
juice because it said concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35
are not funny.
Added: Thursday 27th September 2007 18:00:02
REDNECK GIRL
You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Added: Tuesday 25th September 2007 18:00:02
REDNECK SEX
A: What does a redneck woman say after she has sex?
B: Get off me dad! You're squishing my cigarettes!
Submitted by bloogellymu
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Tuesday 25th September 2007 12:00:02
REDNECK PICK UP LINE
How do rednecks in Kentucky have four play?
Sis are you awake?
Added: Friday 21st September 2007 12:00:01
BABY LIGHT
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Added: Wednesday 12th September 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 18
You might be a redneck if...
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Added: Monday 10th September 2007 06:00:01
SUPERNATURAL SEX
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, "Ghost?!?" "Dang it, I thought you said ''GOATS."
Added: Thursday 30th August 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 64
You might be a reneck if...
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday, and you like it.
Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.
You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
Added: Tuesday 28th August 2007 06:00:02
GUESS WHERE YOU ARE FROM
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 -
If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,
"Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow
dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're
right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the
same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches
as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish
and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar
bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.
The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of
him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
Added: Saturday 18th August 2007 12:00:02
EXPENSIVE FISHING TR
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Added: Friday 17th August 2007 06:00:02
HOW TO SPEAK SOUTHERN
How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Added: Friday 17th August 2007 00:00:02
REDNECK SEX ED
The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.
"Pop," he drawled, "Ah'm jest not sure Ah know what t'do."
"It's simple," said his father.
"Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses."
Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.
Added: Thursday 16th August 2007 12:00:02
2 HUNTERS
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Added: Sunday 12th August 2007 00:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 42
You might be a redneck if...
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Added: Monday 6th August 2007 12:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 15
You might be a redneck if...
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
Added: Monday 6th August 2007 00:00:01
BASIC SKILLS TEST
Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills?
Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with
questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded
for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"
Added: Saturday 4th August 2007 18:00:02
REDNECK AT THE BAR
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Added: Saturday 4th August 2007 12:00:02
REDNECK CIRCUMCISION
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
Added: Sunday 29th July 2007 00:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNE
You might be a redneck if....your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.
Added: Monday 23rd July 2007 18:00:03
RED NECK JEDI
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
Added: Sunday 22nd July 2007 18:00:02
THOSE LOVELY FARMER&
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' No. The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck.
Added: Sunday 22nd July 2007 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
You might be a redneck if you go to Wal*Mart to watch TV.
Added: Saturday 21st July 2007 00:00:02
EUCALYPTUS ROAD
Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.
"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.
"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.
After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"
Added: Friday 20th July 2007 00:00:02
REDNECKS FLYING HOME
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
Added: Friday 13th July 2007 06:00:02
HOW TO GET A ONE-ARMED RED NECK OUT OF A TREE
Q: How do you get a one-armed redneck out of a tree?
A: Wave.
Added: Wednesday 11th July 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 35
You might be a redneck if...
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
Added: Tuesday 10th July 2007 00:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 4
You might be a redneck if...
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Added: Saturday 30th June 2007 12:00:03
REDNECK QUICKIES 24
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Added: Tuesday 26th June 2007 18:00:02
PISTON BROKE
One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little drunk.He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as 'hell' and kicks the door real hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. On of the fellas called out, "Whats the matter ole' friend?"
Aldo says, "Piston-broke!" The same fella calls back, "Ya! we're pissn'd and broke too. Get in the truck."
Added: Monday 25th June 2007 18:00:09
CENSUS
A man from the Census Bureau went to a trailer house that
was located up in the hills. When a lady opened the door, he
asked her, "How many people are living here?"
The lady says, "There's me, and Pa, Bobby-Jo, Maggie-Sue,
Darryl-Rae..."
The man interupted her, saying, "I don't need names, just
the numbers."
She replied, "Numbers? We haven't run out of names yet!"
Added: Monday 25th June 2007 12:00:05
MASON DIXON LINE
Mason-Dixon: Line that separates y'all from youse.
Added: Sunday 17th June 2007 06:00:02
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK...
Technology for Country Folk...
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Added: Monday 11th June 2007 06:00:02
5 STEPS TO PEEING
Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.
One: Take out your penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......"
Added: Thursday 7th June 2007 00:00:02
PILOT
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Added: Wednesday 6th June 2007 00:00:02
REDNECK CUSTODY
You might be a redneck if, your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!
You might be a redneck if, you refuse to slide during a softball game because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!
You might be a redneck if, you're mowing your lawn and find a car.
You might be a redneck If, you were shooting pool when any of your children were born!
You might be a redneck if, you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.
You might be a redneck if, the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."
You might be a redneck If, you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog!
You are a redneck if your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your father's pickup truck!
You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!
Added: Sunday 3rd June 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 04
You might be a redneck if...
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
Added: Saturday 2nd June 2007 00:00:03
REDNECK VALENTINE
A Redneck Valentine ...author unknown
Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and he's all I know of that's purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's awsum," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, proud an' grand.
But for this man, honey, these gifts jus' won't do. Cause yo're far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Added: Monday 28th May 2007 12:00:01
HILLBILLY IN HOSPITA
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "what's that?"
The doctor explained, "this is an anaesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man.
"He don't know nothing now."
Added: Sunday 27th May 2007 00:00:02
DISAPOINTMENT
What's the redneck definition of real disappointment?
Just when you get the rocks piled up, the cow walks off.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 20th May 2007 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 52
You might be a redneck if...
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
Added: Friday 11th May 2007 17:42:15
I SAW YOU F**CKING
One Alabama neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, last night I saw you f**king your wife."
Joe responds, "The joke's on you Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 6th May 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 27
You might be a redneck if...
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Added: Sunday 29th April 2007 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 22
You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Added: Saturday 28th April 2007 18:00:04
REDNECK QUICKIES 17
You might be a redneck if...
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
Added: Wednesday 25th April 2007 12:00:05
HOW TO KNOW WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California
With gun in lap:
L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
Added: Monday 16th April 2007 18:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 16
You might be a redneck if...
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
Added: Sunday 15th April 2007 00:00:02
IOWA TAXIDERMIST IN ALABAMA
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" <
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Added: Saturday 14th April 2007 00:00:02
DARK
Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.
One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."
The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 12th April 2007 12:00:03
REDNECK QUICKIES 10
You might be a redneck if...
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Added: Friday 6th April 2007 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
Added: Wednesday 4th April 2007 18:00:04
AMERICAN DIVORCE
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
Added: Sunday 1st April 2007 00:00:02
GOOD ENUF
Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How's yer new bride?
Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren't good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain't good enuf fer ours!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 22nd March 2007 00:00:01
DUCT TAPE?
Q: What do you call a roll of duct tape??
A: Red neck chrome.
Added: Wednesday 21st March 2007 12:00:04
REDNECK LOGIC
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Added: Saturday 17th March 2007 06:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 23
You might be a redneck if...
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
Added: Wednesday 14th March 2007 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 63
You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
Added: Tuesday 13th March 2007 12:00:19
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 10
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Added: Sunday 11th March 2007 12:00:02
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?
A: "Hey ya'll... Watch this!"
Added: Wednesday 21st February 2007 06:00:01
REDNECK DOG
Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick. One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I could do that.'' The other one then said, ''Ooooh, that dog would bite you.''
Added: Monday 12th February 2007 12:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 31
You might be a redneck if...
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
Your dog is your alarm clock.
Added: Monday 12th February 2007 00:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 19
You might be a redneck if...
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
Added: Thursday 1st February 2007 00:00:02
SOUTHERN COMMENTS
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Added: Monday 29th January 2007 13:05:47
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN HIC AND A SOUTHERN HIC
Q: What is the difference between A North Hic and a South
Hic?
A: A North Hic says, "Once upon a time..." and a South Hic
says, "Damn Ya'll! You're never gonna guess what happened!"
Added: Tuesday 23rd January 2007 19:05:40
ONE SMART REDNECK!
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
Added: Sunday 14th January 2007 12:00:03
REDNECK JEDI
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Added: Sunday 14th January 2007 00:00:03
RED NECK JEDI
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
Added: Wednesday 10th January 2007 12:00:02
REDNECK OLYMPICS
10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.
8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."
5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Added: Thursday 4th January 2007 18:00:02
DO YOU KEEP STATIONA
While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
Added: Thursday 28th December 2006 00:00:05
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 57
You might be a reneck if...
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Added: Tuesday 26th December 2006 12:00:03
MARRIAGE ISSUSES
This redneck went 2 her family and she said she wanted 2 get married. The dad Says ' thats ok we planed that 4 u, u r gonna marry ur brothers for u noe ur mom is not just ur mom shes ur grandmother and ur aunt.
Added: Thursday 14th December 2006 00:00:03
ALABAMA FARMER
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Added: Tuesday 5th December 2006 06:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 30
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
Added: Wednesday 29th November 2006 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 33
You might be a redneck if...
You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.
You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
None of your zippers have all their teeth either. 49.You are driving the car you were conceived in.
You've ever used scissors on food.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
Added: Wednesday 22nd November 2006 06:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 21
You might be a redneck if...
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Added: Wednesday 22nd November 2006 00:00:04
REDNECK BEEN HERE?
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Added: Saturday 18th November 2006 12:00:02
ID?
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says," ' Bout what?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 17th November 2006 00:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 3
You might be a redneck if...
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment
Added: Thursday 16th November 2006 06:00:05
REDNECK CORONER
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and
a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of
death. The coroner points to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning
$20 million on the lottery."
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is
Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having a 'good
time' with Trudy-May."
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is
Roscoe," says the
coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in heck was the fool
smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his
picture taken."
Added: Monday 13th November 2006 06:00:02
REDNECKS VISIT A WHOREHOUSE
There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight
seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the
whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00,
and the third redneck had $15.00.
The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and
said " I got $5.00!
What do I get for $5.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger-- take
this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!"
The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to
ear.
The oter two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for
$5.00?"
The first redneck explained that she took it out of his
pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all
off.
This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the
lady at the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get
for $10.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this
gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!"
The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear,
as if he was on Cloud Nine.
The other two rednecks met him and asked" Man, what did you
get for $10.00?"
The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put
whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she
licked it all off.
This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the
lady at the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get
for $15.00?"
The lady turned on the intercom again and said" Melissa,
take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!"
The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his
face, and on the brink of tears.
Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so
sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?"
The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants,
put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries,
pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on
top! It looked so good I ate it myself."
Added: Thursday 2nd November 2006 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 51
You might be a redneck if...
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
Added: Sunday 22nd October 2006 12:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 19
You might be a redneck if...
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Added: Thursday 19th October 2006 12:00:02
TOOTHBRUSH
How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush.
Added: Thursday 19th October 2006 06:00:02
HICK COMPUTER TERMS
Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Added: Wednesday 18th October 2006 00:00:03
ARKANSAS
arkansas....3 million people: 15 last names.
Added: Tuesday 17th October 2006 16:56:28
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 67
You might be a reneck if...
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You've ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.
Added: Sunday 15th October 2006 06:00:02
REDNECK QUICKIES 9
You might be a redneck if...
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Added: Monday 9th October 2006 00:00:03
SUE
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 7th October 2006 12:00:03
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 76
You might be a reneck if...
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. More than half the droids you own don't function. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
Added: Saturday 30th September 2006 18:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 55
You might be a reneck if...
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
Added: Tuesday 19th September 2006 00:00:03
REDNECK QUICKIES 35
You might be a redneck if...
You don't know what a redneck is.
You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You thought ER was ET's cousin.
You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.
You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
Added: Wednesday 6th September 2006 00:00:04
YANKEES & LIGHTBULBS
How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb?
None, that's what rednecks are for.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 5th September 2006 18:00:01
REDNECK QUICKIES 8
You might be a redneck if...
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Added: Friday 18th August 2006 12:00:03
OVERTURNED WAGON
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
Added: Sunday 13th August 2006 06:00:02
ONE OF US
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised.
The bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 10th August 2006 06:00:07
GAS STATION FILL-UP
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Added: Wednesday 9th August 2006 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 03
You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
Added: Thursday 27th July 2006 06:00:05
12 DAYS OF RED-NECK CHRISTMAS
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
Added: Tuesday 25th July 2006 18:00:09
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 01
You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Added: Wednesday 19th July 2006 11:48:57
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK
You Might Be A Redneck If:
When you go to a fast food joint your kids need to use your
socks to go play in the playland.
Added: Saturday 15th July 2006 11:49:53
REDNECK CIRCUMCISION
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
Added: Saturday 8th July 2006 17:51:19
I GUESS THAT'S F
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?"
says one guy.
"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
Added: Friday 30th June 2006 23:53:05
HOOKED ON PHONICS
You might be a redneck if you turned your child in to the
police because you thought he/she was Hooked on Phonics.
Added: Wednesday 21st June 2006 06:57:07
RED NECK ON THE JURY
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Added: Monday 19th June 2006 18:57:26
REDNECK WANTS TO FIGHT
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Added: Saturday 3rd June 2006 18:14:23
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 13
You might be a redneck if...
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Added: Friday 2nd June 2006 12:14:21
WILL I LIVE LONGER?
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever."
Added: Friday 26th May 2006 12:14:16
REDNECK'S LAST WORDS
Question: What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Answer: Hey Earl, watch this!
Added: Monday 22nd May 2006 11:52:20
POETRY CONTEST
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
Added: Thursday 11th May 2006 23:52:13
REDNECK QUICKIES 13
You might be a redneck if...
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Added: Thursday 4th May 2006 23:52:07
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 56
You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
Added: Saturday 29th April 2006 05:52:04
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