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POLITICS JOKES (updated Thursday 20th June 2013 06:00:01 EDT)
THE CRASHING PLANE
An Englishman, an American, a German and a Jew are on a
plane. The plane has too many people on it and it's beginning
to sink.
The Englishman says, "This is for you Tony Blair" and jumps
off.
The American says, "This is for you Bill Clinton" and jumps
off.
Then the German says "This is for you Hitler" and throws the
Jew off the plane.
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 00:00:01
BUREAUCRACY
Let's play a game, its called bureaucracy, the first one to
do anything loses.
Added: Friday 29th July 2011 18:00:02
DIVERT YOUR COURSE
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations
10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the
North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,
THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
Added: Wednesday 20th July 2011 06:00:01
HEROS?
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally
fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of
the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,
I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to
Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the
grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the
third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not
handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved
from drowning."
Added: Sunday 3rd July 2011 18:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER CLINTON JOKES
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
Added: Friday 27th May 2011 12:00:01
WHAT DAY IS THAT DAY?
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
My husband quickly answered, "Election day."
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!
Added: Wednesday 25th May 2011 12:00:01
AEROFLOT V. SCUD MISSILE
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud
Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Added: Thursday 19th May 2011 00:00:01
LET'S VOTE ON THIS NOW
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.
Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Added: Monday 16th May 2011 00:00:01
CANDIDATE CLINTON VS. PRESIDENT CLINTON
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them
Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same
Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti.
Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
"I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class."
Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy."
President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that."
President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
"I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't."
Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
"The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."
President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
"We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."
Added: Friday 13th May 2011 18:00:01
SHORT LAUGHS & QUIPS
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.
...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."
Added: Saturday 7th May 2011 00:00:01
SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA...
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up,
Dad? D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you
do it? S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of
"scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, say that I
scratched the car. D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and
you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it
since. How can you explain the scratch? S - Well, as I've
said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I
did not scratch it. D - But your sister, Monica, has told me
she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of
the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to
examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you,
yes or no, did you scratch the car? S - Oh, you mean you
think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you
see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that "I" did not scratch the
car. D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car
into the mailbox? S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive
the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the
car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox,
though that was clearly not my intent. D - So you are then
saying that you did hit the mailbox? S - No sir, that's not
my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement
that I did not scratch the car. D - But the car did hit the
mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this
contact? S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that
way. D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch
the car? S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was
"Did "I" scratch the car?". >From a strict legal definition,
as I understood the meaning of that sentence, "I" did not
scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present
when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you
asked "Did "I" scratch the car" was legally correct, although
I did not volunteer information. D - Where in the heck did
you learn to be such a smart alec? S - From The President of
the United States. D - I see.
Added: Thursday 31st March 2011 18:00:01
SADDAM HUSSEIN WINS THE COIN TOSS
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive
Added: Friday 25th March 2011 06:00:01
PRAYER
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Added: Thursday 24th March 2011 12:00:01
GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
A United State Government Employee sits in his office and
out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing
cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an
old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and
takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!"
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with
gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd
never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
Added: Sunday 20th February 2011 00:00:01
DEADLY CURFEW
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off
the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot
at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior
officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have
made it."
Added: Wednesday 9th February 2011 06:00:01
IT HAPPENS ONLY IN AMERICA
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
Added: Monday 7th February 2011 00:00:01
MONICA SWITCHES TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
Did you hear Monica switched from being a democrat to being
a Republican?
Seems the democrats left a bad taste in her mouth!
Added: Tuesday 25th January 2011 12:00:02
HILLARY CLINTON - PREGNANT?
Hillary Clinton went to her doctor because she was not
feeling well.
The doctor explained that she was pregnant again.
She was furious. This would ruin her plans for a Senate run
in New York next year. Her dreams were ruined. The more she
thought about it, the madder she got. She was so made that
she called Bill and the oval office and began to yell and
scream at him, how he had selfishly gotten her pregnant,
ruined her dreams of running for Senate. She went on and on,
finally there was a long pause as she waited for a reply from
Mr. Clinton.
Suddenly, after the long silence, Bill said, "...Who is
this?"
Added: Tuesday 25th January 2011 06:00:02
HELPING THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
Added: Monday 24th January 2011 12:00:01
MONICA'S FLUID CAPACITY
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader.
Added: Saturday 8th January 2011 12:00:01
LEWINSKY AND KACZYNSKI LIMERICKS
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and
Kaczynski in a limerick.
Winning Contestants' Entries:
# 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a
flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute
made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
# 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use
the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your
chinsky.
# 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must
surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a
letter given the choice to be blown.
# 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as
much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap she
confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."
* (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused
with the ballet dancer.)
Added: Thursday 6th January 2011 06:00:01
A CALL TO HEAVEN.
Once the Indian prime minister Mr.Rajiv Gandhi wanted to
visit Ethiopia and he was successful in implementing his plan
and he flew to that country,there he was very pleased to hear
from the President that they can have a call to heaven for
just 3 minutes at a charge of just 2 bucks.Rajiv Gandhi was
very much pleased and he called his mom then his grandparents
and every one.Soon after his trip he summoned all the Indian
scientists and ordered them to build a telephone such that
he can call every one from his own country, after one month
the scientists came with the solution and Rajiv made the
first call to heaven but the cost for 3 minutes was just
more than 300 bucks so he summoned all the scientists and
asked them why the charge is so high, it is only 2 bucks in
Ethiopia for which the scientists replied that from Ethiopia
it is just an local call but from India it is an ISD.
Added: Tuesday 4th January 2011 06:00:01
CLINTON'S FAVORITE ROCK BAND
Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?
A: Cheap Trick.
Added: Sunday 26th December 2010 18:00:01
NEW CAMPBELLS SOUP
Campbell Soup announced today they would be
stocking America's shelves with a new soup called "Clinton
soup." Named after a distinguished politician, it consists of
one small weenie in hot water.
Added: Monday 20th December 2010 06:00:01
CLINTON Q & A
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."
Added: Monday 29th November 2010 00:00:01
RELOAD
what do you do if you see george bush rolling down a hill in agony?
stop laughing and reload!
Added: Tuesday 23rd November 2010 06:00:01
PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARIES
Future historians will be able to study and do research at:
The John F. Kennedy Presidential Library
The Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library
The Richard M. Nixon Presidential Library
The Gerald M. Ford Presidential Library
The James E. Carter Memorial Library
The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library
The George Bush Presidential Library
And . . .
The William J. Clinton Adult Bookstore
Added: Tuesday 16th November 2010 00:00:01
PUFFY CHEEKS
Why are Monica L.'s cheeks so puffy? Withholding evidence!
Added: Wednesday 10th November 2010 12:00:02
RAZORBACK HOGS
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"
The President replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"
Added: Monday 18th October 2010 12:00:02
TERMS FOR PENIS
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking
together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a
gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a
patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the
front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain,
because it goes down after the act.
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a
rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Added: Thursday 14th October 2010 00:00:01
THE BILL CLINTON MEMORIAL BELT BUCKLE
Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative
Holiday Belt Buckle?
It's made out of Mistletoe!
Added: Thursday 7th October 2010 06:00:02
THE MIRANDA RIGHTS FOR NEW YORK CITY
1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can
and will lead to an ass-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT
present at the time of the ass-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free
of charge, to
read you your last prayer.
Added: Sunday 3rd October 2010 06:00:04
MOTHER CLINTON'S PRAYER
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up
and be President of the United States.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
Added: Tuesday 28th September 2010 00:00:01
TALIBAN'S TV LINE-UP
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Added: Sunday 26th September 2010 00:00:01
GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS
Top George Bush Slogans
- I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
- I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
- I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
- Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
- Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
- I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
- New penal plan: I won't use mine!
- Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
- George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
- Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Added: Thursday 23rd September 2010 06:00:01
DEAD POLITICIANS
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road
when, all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in
an old farmer's
field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to
investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few
days later,
the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked
the old farmer
where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they
weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie."
Added: Wednesday 22nd September 2010 20:18:16
OZ
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were together
riding in a car in the midwest when they were caught in a
tornado which threw their car into the sky. When it landed,
they found themselves in the Land of Oz. "I'm going to see
the Wizard and ask him to give me a brain," said Quayle. "I'm
going to ask the Wizard to give me a heart," said Gingrich.
"Where's Dorothy?" asked Clinton..
Added: Friday 17th September 2010 00:00:01
TOP TEN QUESTIONS I WOULD HAVE ASKED MONICA LEWINSKY
10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of
the planet?"
9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that
anything?"
8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"
7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird
Old Navy
commercials?"
6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was
talking to me?"
5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the
last 14 months?"
4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from
New York?"
3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"
2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"
1. "Did you bring a clip?"
Added: Monday 6th September 2010 00:00:01
RESEARCH BUSH
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
Added: Friday 3rd September 2010 00:00:01
GOD'S NEW COMMANDMENT
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Added: Tuesday 31st August 2010 18:00:01
AL GORE - EXPLAINED
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five
aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside
Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the
military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was
born.
Added: Wednesday 25th August 2010 00:00:01
50 POLITICIANS AND 50 LESBIANS
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
Added: Sunday 15th August 2010 00:00:01
HILLBILLIES IN THE WHITE HOUSE
(Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme)
** Warning: The following song is not politically correct.
Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill Da poor
President couldn't keep his "willie" still But den one day he
was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da
boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Her
mouth wide open and as happy as you please; Bill sez, "Oh
yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing," "If you do a real
good job then we'll have a little fling."
B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He
said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're
invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin'
of little Willie C."
Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.
So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie
and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she
figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed
it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.
Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score,
'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door,
Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.
So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President, Still
wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent. So da
moral of da story is to do it quietly, And only show your Air
Force One within your family.
Added: Thursday 12th August 2010 00:00:02
KING GEORGE THE THIRD'S RESPONSE TO THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson,
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Added: Tuesday 3rd August 2010 06:00:01
GOT MILK?
A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there
where three t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin
white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan
with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache
and under her it was titled: NOT MILK
Added: Tuesday 3rd August 2010 00:00:01
WILL OF AMERICANS
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
Added: Thursday 1st July 2010 18:00:01
CLINTON AT THE MAY DAY PARADE
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.
Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
Added: Thursday 24th June 2010 06:00:01
NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM
Did you hear Clinton wants to change our national anthem?
The new anthem would be "Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy!"
Added: Sunday 13th June 2010 18:00:01
BLOWING IN DAN QUAYLE'S EAR
Q: What did Dan Quayle say when his wife blew gently in his
ear?
A: Thanks for the re-fill, honey.
Added: Thursday 10th June 2010 06:00:01
HOYA
It was election time and a politician decided
to go out to the local reservation and try to
get the Native American vote. They were all assembled
in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician
had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited. "I promise better
education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native
word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino
on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their
feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities
for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied
pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring
the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of
cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew
a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he
could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not
to step in the hoya."
Added: Sunday 6th June 2010 18:00:01
HOW IS THE PRESIDENT?
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice
President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say,
"How's the President?"
---Will Rogers
Added: Wednesday 2nd June 2010 00:00:01
REAL SADDAM PLEASE STAND UP!
This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.
May I have your attention please?
Infidels,
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Saddam please stand up?
I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?
We gonna have a problem here...
You all act like you've never seen a dictator before
Jaws all on the floor
Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door
I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,
Now I plan to even the score
I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!
I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.
And Chemical Ali said...
Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.
Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room
Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't
But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.
Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.
And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.
And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.
If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!
Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces
By the time you fly warplanes
I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.
And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.
You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.
I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.
The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.
My information minister goes on TV,
So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.
And there's a million of us just like me
Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me
Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me
And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!
I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.
All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.
So won't the real Saddam please stand up?
Please stand up? Please stand up?
Added: Tuesday 1st June 2010 12:00:01
CLINTON INTERVIEW
Ken Starr: Mr. President, "What was Monica Lewinsky doing
alone with you in the Oval Office?"
The President: "I was interviewing her for a secret service
position and she was demonstrating how she could blow
someone's brains out if she had to."
Added: Friday 21st May 2010 18:00:01
NEVER AGAIN
After the White House sex scandal, 500 women were asked if
they would sleep with the President.
20% Said no.
15% Said maybe.
65% Said never again.
Added: Saturday 15th May 2010 06:00:01
JOURNEY TO PEARLY GATES
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?
Added: Thursday 6th May 2010 12:00:01
HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they
created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning department
and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,
and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people. One to do the studies and
one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get
paid?" So they created the following positions, a time
keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?" So they created an administrative section and
hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
Added: Tuesday 27th April 2010 12:00:01
MORE HILARIOUS AL GORE QUOTES AND BLUNDERS
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Added: Monday 26th April 2010 12:00:01
BUSH, CLINTON, WOMEN AND A TRAIN
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
The blond thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
Added: Saturday 17th April 2010 18:00:01
ACRONYMS FOR CLINTON AND HIS ADMINSITRATION
Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation
Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation
Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland
Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow
Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation
Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies
Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise
Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology
Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything
Added: Monday 12th April 2010 00:00:01
PEOPLE ARE STUPID
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Added: Sunday 4th April 2010 12:00:01
THE DEVELOPMENT OF A NEW STAMP
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
Added: Sunday 28th March 2010 06:00:01
WHAT IS IN A NAME?
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.
Added: Sunday 21st March 2010 00:00:01
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD - REVIEWED
Subject: Chickens!!!!
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the
chicken and we'll find out.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it
crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken
a job in New York.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer
is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."
Added: Saturday 20th March 2010 06:00:01
MONICA'S DRESS
Q: What did they find in Monica Lewinsky's dress pocket?
A: A wad of bills
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 06:00:01
HILLARY NEEDS A GLASS OF WATER
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in bed late one night
when Hillary
tugged on his elbow and asked, "Bill, are you awake?"
"What do you want?"
"I need a glass of water."
"Are you kidding? I'm the President of the United States.
I'm not
getting you a glass of water. I don't get anyone a glass of
water,
especially not in the middle of the night!"
"I'll get the water myself, "Hillary said. "I just wanted
you to save
my place."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 18:00:01
BEST IRAQI JOB
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Added: Wednesday 24th February 2010 12:00:01
CHELSEA'S ROOM
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.
He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"
Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.
"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
Added: Sunday 21st February 2010 00:00:01
TRAINING IRAQI PILOTS
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi
fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Added: Saturday 20th February 2010 06:00:02
IRAQI NATIONAL BIRD
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Added: Wednesday 17th February 2010 18:00:01
WHO SAID THAT?
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."
Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
Added: Monday 15th February 2010 06:00:01
CLINTONMOBILE
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
Added: Friday 5th February 2010 12:00:01
GEORGE W. BUSH MEETS MOSES
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long
flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and
flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some
stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you
Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view
and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I
am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity.
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to
spend forty years in the desert!"
Added: Thursday 14th January 2010 12:00:01
LEWINSKY GAWK
There was a young lady who gawked Until Clinton pulled out
his cock She said with a grin As she wiped off her chin Next
time put on a sock
Added: Sunday 10th January 2010 06:00:01
TRUE POLITICIAL STORY
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."
Added: Saturday 2nd January 2010 12:00:01
THE CLINTON AND TITANIC VIDEOS
When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of
"deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen in a
similar structure?
Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see
the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the
Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence... or much more.
We will let you be the judge.
Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of
Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO:
Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO:
Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO:
Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO:
Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is
wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill
Clinton's approval rating is at 70%
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON
VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.
Added: Thursday 17th December 2009 06:00:01
CLINTON'S WISH FOR WORLD PEACE
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
Added: Friday 11th December 2009 06:00:01
HERE IS A FREE PUPPY
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Added: Friday 11th December 2009 00:00:01
CLINTON IN OZ
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.
"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"
And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"
Added: Friday 4th December 2009 12:00:01
THE BREAD DANGER
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may
be health hazard." The article went on to describe the
dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger,
apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
break down ozone.
When are we going to do something about bread-induced global
warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a
little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone
think twice....
THE FINDINGS ------------- 1. More than 98 percent of
convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many
women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,
yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used
to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than
that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after
only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS --------------------- Most bread
eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In
light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which
may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread
manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares
about this crucial issue.
REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."
Added: Thursday 3rd December 2009 12:00:01
FIND OUT WHO IS IN CONTROL
At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.
Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Added: Monday 23rd November 2009 06:00:01
PLANE'S TERRORIST
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
Added: Sunday 15th November 2009 00:00:01
LEWINSKY'S NEXT JOB
After the scandal is over, Monica will have to decide on a
career path.
It has been determined that she is a "shoein" for those milk
mustache ads
Added: Sunday 8th November 2009 12:00:01
CLINTON'S WISH
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.
Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!"
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again."
Added: Wednesday 4th November 2009 12:00:01
THE PRESIDENTIAL WATCHES
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."
Added: Friday 30th October 2009 12:00:01
HOW THE CLINTONS DO IT
Q: When Bill and Hillary Clinton have sex, why does Hillary
always get on top?
A: Because Bill can only fuck up.
Added: Wednesday 28th October 2009 06:00:01
TITANIC
Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
Added: Tuesday 20th October 2009 06:00:01
LEWINSKY'S GOLF LESSON
Monica Lewinsky went for a golf lesson complaining about her
swing. The golf pro said let me see your grip. That was the
end of the golf lesson.
Added: Friday 16th October 2009 06:00:01
HOW TO CHOOSE A POLITICAL PARTY
During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with
his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the
neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both
Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.
"That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your
father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"
"Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat
like you."
Added: Tuesday 29th September 2009 06:00:01
I TRUST BILL...
One night Hillary wakes her beloved husband up in the middle
of the night:
Wake up Bill... I have to go to the bathroom...
Finally, Bill wakes up: What? You're waking me up cause you
have to go to the bathroom? Can't you do that by yourself?
---Sure honey,... But please save my spot!
Added: Monday 28th September 2009 12:00:01
HITLER AND THE PIG
Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur
at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is
distracted, looking out the window at the countryside)
doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with
the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to
see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what
he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells
him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move
the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and
worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly
good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about
the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to
discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler
whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know
what happened.
Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the
Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of
sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him,
and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right.
I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and
knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this
sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and
let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young
daughter and then sent me on my way."
Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well
what exactly did you tell them?"
To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it
either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and
I killed the pig."
Added: Sunday 27th September 2009 18:00:01
DOCTORS TALK POLITICS
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
Added: Tuesday 22nd September 2009 12:00:01
JANET RENO'S ADVICE TO HILLARY
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno
were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says
to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with
men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and
there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged
(that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't
have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make
a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the
loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir,
and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been
saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most
disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"
Added: Saturday 12th September 2009 06:00:02
CHASED BY A BEAR
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
Added: Friday 4th September 2009 12:00:01
TOSSING BILLS
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course,
then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy."
Added: Thursday 3rd September 2009 12:00:01
MORE CLINTON JOKES
One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?" Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!
Added: Wednesday 2nd September 2009 00:00:01
KEN STARR DNA TEST
Federal Bureau of Investigation Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in
Arkansas has the same DNA.
Sorry,
The FBI
Added: Friday 28th August 2009 06:00:02
JOHNNIE COCHRANE CLOSING ARGUMENTS FOR US V. CLINTON
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are
the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of
United States v. William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's
proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
Added: Sunday 23rd August 2009 00:00:01
CLINTON TO DIE
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
Added: Tuesday 18th August 2009 00:00:01
WHAT DO YOU GET
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT MONICA LEWINSKI AND COLORADO
SENATOR BEN NIGHTHORSE CAMPBELL IN A CAR TOGETHER ? A BLOWN
INJUN
Added: Tuesday 11th August 2009 00:00:01
SADDAM HUSSEIN AND GENERAL CUSTER
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are
coming from!
Added: Monday 10th August 2009 00:00:01
CLINTON-TITANIC
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the
Titanic?
A: Only 1500 women went down on the Titanic.
Added: Sunday 9th August 2009 06:00:03
REPUBLICANS DEMOCRATS
The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
Added: Saturday 1st August 2009 18:00:01
SADDAM OFFERS PEACE IN EXCHANGE FOR LEWINSKY
Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein says he will back down from a
confrontation over UN weapons inspections in exchange for
Monica Lewinsky.
"From what I'm hearing coming out of the White House, she is
nutty and slutty which is just the way I like my mistresses.
My SCUD missile is waiting for her," Hussein said from his
bunker in Baghdad.
National Security advisors to the president were intrigued
by the offer. "Monica's case is definitely distracting the
president from properly focusing on the situation with Iraq
and this may be a way to kill to two loony birds with one
stone.
Besides our intelligence reports indicate that Saddam's need
for sex makes Clinton look like a monk," one of the advisors
said.
Added: Friday 31st July 2009 00:00:01
UNITED STATES FOREIGN POLICY?
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS
RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that
an
all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two
weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its
break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all
British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing.
After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in
to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without
the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo
intervention,
we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared
statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule,
the
Clinton administration would intervene in the following
areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland,
and
to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication
facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free
the
Kurds. Oh yeah, letãs not forget all of the oil reserves
we
would gain.
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries
to
stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve
the
Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates
was
actually homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country,
also
to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be
the
bull fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time
that
they were bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those
wishing
to use deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the
Confederate of
Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up
more
Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota
might
finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with others,"
said
Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.
When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order
to
free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would
never
be on a military agenda."
Added: Sunday 12th July 2009 06:00:04
LYING CONGRESSMEN
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their
political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily
pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted.
"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
Added: Friday 26th June 2009 06:00:04
GOVERNMENT POLICY: SNAKE ATTACK
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual
for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells
what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the
largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and
weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said: 1. If you are attacked by an
anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your
sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over
your body. 5. Do not panic 6. After the snake has
examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and
- always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet
and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body.
You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as
little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and
very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth
between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip
upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife. 10. Be sure your knife is
sharp.
Added: Tuesday 23rd June 2009 18:00:01
ADS DURING THE LEWINSKY INTERVIEW
The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky / Walters
Interview"
(These actually aired during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and
I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following
voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most
powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the
power to remove stains!"
Added: Tuesday 23rd June 2009 06:00:05
QUAKER TALK
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the
South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began
filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the
official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in
black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats
guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone
talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his
selections the clerk could
hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he
was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a
real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker
before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked
the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his
merchandise to be tallied up.
As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please
mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of
secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Screw Thee."
Added: Monday 15th June 2009 00:00:01
DECODING THE SPEECHES OF BILL CLINTON
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added as the President's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America's economic health.
Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating.
Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise.
Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning, "contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world.
Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct).
Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president.
First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution.
Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect.
Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts.
We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we.
Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
Added: Sunday 24th May 2009 12:00:01
SADDAM HUSSEIN AND BILL CLINTON
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks
on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair
has three buttons on the arm rest. They begin talking but
after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove
pops out of Clinton's chair and bashes him in the face.
Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after a
few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a
large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off
but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talks, but
after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from
under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in
the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up
to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the White
House" says the President.
Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so
the appointment stands.
A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and
as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of
Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton
press the first button, and ducks, but nothing happens. This
doesn't stop Clinton from laughing... really loudly. After
this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses
another button. Saddam jumps up and again nothing happens,
this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam
doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he
hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk
further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final
button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't,
he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam
is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and
shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"
(Through tears of laughter from the floor);
"Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"
Added: Wednesday 20th May 2009 00:00:02
PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON VISITS PEARLY GATES
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on Earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Added: Wednesday 13th May 2009 18:00:01
HILLARY GOES TO HEAVEN
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
Added: Wednesday 13th May 2009 00:00:02
CLINTON AND FOREIGN AFFAIRS
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign
affairs, he replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
Added: Saturday 9th May 2009 12:00:02
MAKING SOMEBODY HAPPY
Air Force One is flying across the country with the
President and his staff on board.
Bill Clinton looks out the window and says to Al Gore, "You
know I could throw a 100 dollar bill out the window right now
and make someone
a very happy person."
Al replies, "Yeah, well I could throw (10) $10 dollar bills
out of the window and make 10 people happy."
Hillary Clinton interrupts and says, "I could throw (100) $1
dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Chelsea Clinton over hearing all of this, rolls her eyes and
says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and
please the whole country."
Added: Tuesday 14th April 2009 12:00:01
HILLARY'S HIGH SCHOOL LOVE
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing
in their home state of Arkansas.
On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to
fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the
station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite
amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time.
They exchanged hellos and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his
arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed
with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner
today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he
would be President of the United States."
Added: Saturday 11th April 2009 00:00:02
THE TOP 15 DAN QUAYLE CAMPAIGN PROMISES
15. Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska
14. "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"
13. Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers
12. To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century."
11. New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"
10. A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war
9. Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court
8. Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool
rocket car idea I came up with.
7. More bondage between parents & children.
6. Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the
Department of Defense.
5. Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between
Star-Bellied Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.
4. "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared
for the Y2K bug."
3. Support NATOE
2. Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.
1. Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling
Brothers comes through.
Added: Friday 3rd April 2009 18:00:02
WHO SAID THAT?
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of
a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher (Dr. Fox) greeted the class and said, "Let's
begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" He saw only a
sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his
hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people for the people shall not perish from
the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than
you do."
As he turned to write something on the blackboard, he heard
a loud whisper: "Damned Japs."
"Who said that?" he demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm
gonna throw up".
Teacher says "Who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to
Japanese Prime Minister,1991".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my
dick" Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".
Added: Monday 23rd March 2009 12:00:01
FUNNY QUOTES FROM GORE
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Added: Wednesday 18th March 2009 00:00:01
SLOGANS
Top George Bush Slogans:
1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7) New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Added: Tuesday 17th March 2009 00:00:01
THE NEW MCCLINTON BURGER
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.
Added: Thursday 12th March 2009 00:00:01
BUSS FULL OF POLITICIANS
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Added: Saturday 7th February 2009 12:00:02
PRESIDENTIAL WATCHES
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run . . ."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . ."
Added: Friday 6th February 2009 06:00:03
BUSH IN THE WHITE HOUSE
Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see
his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.
Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the
Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more
Bush in the White House.
Added: Wednesday 4th February 2009 12:00:01
THE PUNISHMENTS IN HELL
A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."
Added: Friday 30th January 2009 00:00:01
INTERNS
How many White house interns does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? No one knows. They're all too busy screwing the
President.
Added: Thursday 22nd January 2009 06:00:02
SADDAM HUSSEIN IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT
SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT
Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that
he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because
it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac
refilled.
"He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his
medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It
would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a
megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self
before it's too late," one of Saddam's close advisors said
after being assured anonymity.
A White House source admitted that the President had
previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over
Hussein's bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the
world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.
Added: Tuesday 20th January 2009 12:00:02
PROTECTED CLASSES
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm
going to have
to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an
age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I
might be
gay..."
Added: Monday 12th January 2009 12:00:02
CLINTON'S MOST UNPOPULAR ACTION
President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.
"Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you've ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It's just been downhill from there."
Added: Friday 9th January 2009 00:00:02
CLINTON SOUP
One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced
today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week
with their newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will
honor one of the nation's most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
Added: Saturday 20th December 2008 12:00:01
MONICA'S MOUTH
Q: How much semen can Monica Lewinsky's mouth hold?
A: One U.S. Leader
Added: Wednesday 10th December 2008 18:00:01
THE SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE
Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball.
After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one."
Added: Saturday 29th November 2008 18:00:01
CLINTON'S INDIAN NAME
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking
Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Added: Friday 21st November 2008 18:00:01
THE WAILING WALL
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old
man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?" The old man
replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a
wall."
Added: Wednesday 12th November 2008 00:00:01
COMPETITIVE POLITICS
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened
to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One
turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win
this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I
always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote
for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel
and ask them to vote for you."
Added: Friday 7th November 2008 00:00:02
VIAGRA/GORE
What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....Viagra
really works !
Added: Thursday 30th October 2008 06:00:01
CHELSEY CLINTON TRIES TO GET MARRIED
Chelsey goes off to college and she meets this really
handsome guy named John. They start dating and pretty soon
John asks Chelsey to marry him and she says "yes." Chelsey
is so excited that she calls her dad up to tell him the great
news.
As soon as Bill Clinton finds out who she is going to marry
he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him."
"Why not?"
"Well, you see this is how it is. Many years ago I had an
affair with John's mother and John is actually my
illegitimate son, so you can't marry him."
Chelsey is heart broken. She tells John that she won't
marry him and is very depresed until she meets this guy named
James. They date for awhile and soon James asks her to marry
him. Again she runs to the phone to tell her father the good
news.
As soon as Bill Clinton hears who his daughter wants to
marry he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him
either."
"Why not?"
"For the same reason. James is my illegitimate son."
Chelsey is again very heart broken and sad.
One day she meets this really nice guy named Adam. Adam
asks Chelsey out and before she will agree to go out with him
she calls her dad and asks him if she and and Adam are
realated.
"I'm sorry to tell you this honey, but Adam is also your
brother," says the president.
At this point Chelsey is getting really ticked off so she
calls her mother up to complain. "Every guy I fall in love
with or even anyone who asks me out turns out to be Daddy's
illigitamate son."
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Hillary.
"Why not?" asks Chelsey.
"Because Bill Clinton is not really your father."
Added: Wednesday 29th October 2008 12:00:01
THE CLINTON TRAGEDY
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend who
lives next door was playing in the street when a car came
along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' Clinton says, 'That would be an ACCIDENT.'
A girl raises her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that
would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explains Clinton.
'That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
'What?' asks Clinton, 'Isn't there any one here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid
voice, he says: 'If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary
Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.'
'Wonderful!' Clinton beams. 'Marvelous! And can you tell me
WHY that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it certainly would not be a great loss!'
Added: Friday 17th October 2008 06:00:03
CLINTON SMOKING A PIPE
A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked,
"Hey Bill, I
thought you were a cigar man???"
President Clinton responded,"Cigars are for pussies!"
Added: Tuesday 14th October 2008 18:00:01
VERY SHORT BOOKS IN THE MAKING
These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.
1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. "The Submissive Woman" by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America - by Bill Clinton
9. "Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
11. "Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
12. "Deep-Thinking Liberals"
13. "The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
14. "Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
15. "The Merits of Gun Control"
16. "Feminists Worth Marrying"
17. "How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" by Socialists.
18. "To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill
Added: Thursday 2nd October 2008 06:00:01
WORRIES ABOUT EARLY MORNING JOGS
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.
Added: Sunday 28th September 2008 00:00:01
THE MESS ON MONICA'S DRESS
HERE is Monica's TRUE reply to what happened.
Have you seen the mess on Monica's Dress, How it got there
is anyone's guess
Her 15 minues of fame, All because of this sticky stain,
Now she sits before the grand jury, All amist a crusing
media fury,
Raise your right hand and tell your story Ken Starr said in
his McCarthy-like glory
Legs crossed and sitting pretty, She answered the
questions...rather giddy,
Who Was there? What Happened? On this date or day? Tell All
here, No lying! - NOW SAY!
Positions uncompromised in a "Secret Serviced" room When
agents walked away when they saw 'you know whom'
She smiled and said. Don't blame me! Bill and Hillary are
really exhibitionists -- you see
I just sat there and watched from the seat of the cot and
then Bill pulled out and there was a shot.
But instead of landing where one would guess it shot so
far, it landed on my dress
So there you have it the truth now be told I never actually
touched it-- He was just too old.
Added: Wednesday 24th September 2008 06:00:01
WRITING IN THE SNOW
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must
Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is
ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells,
"There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written
in urine!
I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW."
The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening,
the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President,
we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you
want first?"
Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."
The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The
results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore."
"Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own
vice president!
What's the *really* bad news?"
"Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary."
Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 18:40:39
HILLARY'S PLACE
Hillary wakes Bill about 3am to tell him she has to go to
the bathroom. He asks her "Why are you waking me to tell me
that?" She says, "I want you to save my place."
Added: Friday 29th August 2008 18:00:01
BUSH'S LEADERSHIP
A husband and wife watched TV news: the cleanup at the World Trade Center and Pentagon; the videos of different countries around the world; crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches; the country coming together united; the decisive action President Bush is taking.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that George W. Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job and showing a lot of character and strong leadership."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Oh, shut up, Tipper."
Added: Thursday 28th August 2008 06:00:01
SPEECHEE
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an
Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far
Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make
conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our
Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful
50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of
"encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries
of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down,
and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like
speechee?"
Added: Sunday 24th August 2008 18:00:02
CLINTON-DOLE UNDERWEAR
After asking President Clinton whether he wore boxers or
briefs, the journalist decided to be fair and ask Bob Dole
the same. Dole responded, "Depends."
Added: Friday 22nd August 2008 00:00:01
THE ATTRIBUTES OF CLINTON'S HEALTH PLAN
The Clinton Health Plan has the:
1. Simplicity of the IRS.
2. Results of rent control.
3. Efficiency of the Post Office.
4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes
5. Management success of national debt.
6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.
7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.
Added: Friday 15th August 2008 06:00:01
TOP 10 LIST
From David Letterman and the Late Show...
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying
6. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat
5. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"
1. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"
Added: Monday 28th July 2008 12:00:01
CLINTON'S CLOCK
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is
struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at
the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get
into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take
care of." so St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the
scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once
in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary
asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter
replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary
asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh,
it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."
Added: Sunday 6th July 2008 00:00:01
BUSH RUNNING MATE
Bush and His Running Mate
Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."
Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."
For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.
Added: Monday 30th June 2008 12:00:03
CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat. . .
Added: Monday 23rd June 2008 12:00:03
MONICA'S BOOK TITLE
By now, you know that Monica Lewinsky is set to make some
big bucks writing a tell-all book. Here are some possible
titles:
I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the
Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing
the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The
Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The
Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's
Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30
Minutes How To Beat Off the Government Going Down and Moving
Up Members of the Presidential Cabinet Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business
Added: Thursday 19th June 2008 18:00:02
A NEW DOG AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one morning.
He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent trade."
Added: Thursday 12th June 2008 00:00:02
PAMELA ANDERSON V. HILLARY CLINTON
In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were
Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.
In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary,
none of this would have happened in the first place."
Added: Sunday 8th June 2008 06:00:02
THIRSTY????
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending
his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my
water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Added: Saturday 7th June 2008 18:00:02
VERY LOST
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got
lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman
on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and
the lady let down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir.
Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon,
Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and
said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English
here!"
Added: Monday 26th May 2008 06:00:02
THE VERY HIGH HEALTH CARE COSTS
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.
In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
Added: Thursday 8th May 2008 00:00:02
LYING CLINTON
Hilary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. She ends up in a room full of clocks. So she asks the nearest angel to tell her what all of the clocks are for.
The angel says,"The clocks are to see how many times an individual lies in life. For every lie the minute hand moves one minute."
So Hilary asks, "Where is my husband's clock?"
The angel says,"Its on the ceiling in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."
Added: Saturday 3rd May 2008 12:00:03
PRESIDENT PRECEDENT
Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*
... BAD *PRECEDENT:
Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"
Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."
... BAD *PRESIDENT:
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."
- and will to the best of my ability
- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."
- So help me God.
- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
Added: Tuesday 29th April 2008 12:00:02
THE TOP 12 QUESTIONS KEN STARR HAS FOR THE PRESIDENT
12 "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?"
11 "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is
it fun?"
10 "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the
booty call?"
9 "Can I have some of those fries?"
8 "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your
semen was pretty cool?"
7 "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
6 "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
end of a probe for a change?"
5 "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a
goat?"
4 "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does
THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
3 "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
know butt-ugly?"
2 "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect
state?"
1 "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"
Added: Monday 28th April 2008 12:00:02
BUSH SUES SANTA
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
Added: Saturday 19th April 2008 06:00:02
BILL CLINTON'S HAIRCUT
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"
Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.
Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
Added: Tuesday 8th April 2008 12:00:04
STUCK IN A PLANE
George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"
Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:
"Your dad?"
"He left me here! Took the parachute!"
"Sir, your dad?"
"He's the pilot! Gosh!"
"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"
Added: Monday 7th April 2008 06:00:02
TERM LIMITS?
Q: Do you think the terms of congressmen should be limited?
A: No, I think they should stay in jail as long as anyone
else should.
Added: Monday 17th March 2008 00:00:02
CLINTON ON PLANE
erry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a
recent flight. After the plane was airborne the flight
attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked
for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before
him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also
like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be
savagely raped by a gang of brazen whores than let liquor
touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
Added: Tuesday 11th March 2008 06:00:02
THE TYPES OF COWS
If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
Added: Thursday 6th March 2008 12:00:02
CLINTON COLLECTIONS
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed
about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the
middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates
him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot
of folks still siphoning."
Added: Tuesday 4th March 2008 06:00:03
DEBATE MILITARY ISSUE
I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he gets.
Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.
A recent interchange went something like this:
Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms."
Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'."
Added: Sunday 24th February 2008 00:00:03
CLINTON GIVES UP SAXAPHONE
President Clinton gave up playing the saxaphone, Now he is
playing a whoremonica
Added: Thursday 21st February 2008 12:00:01
DO YOU HAVE ANY POLISH SAUSAGE?
Man walks into a store and asks the clerk "Do you have any
polish sausage."
The clerk replies "Are you Polish?"
The man says "Yes, but why do you ask. If I asked for
Italian Sausage would you ask if I was Italian, or if I
asked for German Sausage would you ask if I was German, or if
I asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican.
The clerk simply answered "No."
The man asked him why he asked then he asked if he was
Polish.
The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store."
Added: Friday 8th February 2008 06:00:02
CLINTON'S BRIEFS
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?
A: To keep his ankles warm.
Added: Friday 8th February 2008 00:00:02
TWO COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to
take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires
you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You
have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government
fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The
government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You
have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is
impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At
first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You
have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of
them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then
execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for
keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,
who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the
listed company. The annual report says that the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you
from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,
there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of
this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the
constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas
about government. The cow runs for office, and while most
people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody
except the other cow votes for her because they think it
would be "throwing their vote away."
Added: Thursday 7th February 2008 00:00:02
HELP WANTED
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).
Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.
And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.
For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen "refugee"as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.
You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much.
Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.
Added: Wednesday 30th January 2008 18:00:01
POLITICALLY CORRECT
"POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS"
Dirty Old Man:
Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted:
Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer:
Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy:
Motivationally deficient.
Fat:
Horizontally challenged.
Fail:
Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest:
Ethically disoriented.
Bald:
Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy:
Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor:
Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive:
Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst:
Least best.
Wrong:
Differently logical.
Ugly:
Cosmetically different.
Unemployed:
Involuntarily leisured.
Short:
Vertically challenged.
Dead:
Living impaired.
Vagrant:
Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift:
Negative saver.
Drunk:
Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant:
Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant:
Knowledge-based non-possessor.
Added: Monday 7th January 2008 12:00:03
WRITING A NEW POLICY THAT WILL CHANGE AMERICA
Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to "save" America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.
Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it."
So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.
Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won't pass it."
"But what if I get a 12?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".
Added: Friday 4th January 2008 06:00:02
THE FIERCE CIVIL WARS
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.
Added: Wednesday 2nd January 2008 00:00:01
MONICA LEWINSKY TOTALS HER SUV
National Public Radio recently reported that Monica Lewinsky
had been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle.
Immediately, four things came to mind:
1. She must have blown a rod.
2. Obviously, her driving sucks, too.
3. It's not the first time she flipped over something with
a spare tire.
4. I wonder how badly THIS accident stained her dress?
Added: Wednesday 26th December 2007 00:00:02
THE EXACT SAME ANSWER FOR EACH
This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.
1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?
Added: Wednesday 19th December 2007 12:00:03
LORENA AND MONICA
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are
opening a hair salon?
They're calling it "Cut & Blow"
Added: Wednesday 12th December 2007 00:00:02
ENEMIES TO THE WEST
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long
hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and
pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your
enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the
west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Added: Thursday 6th December 2007 06:00:02
A RUSSIAN VISITS DENNY'S RESTAURANT
More American Observations
by Yakov Smirnoff
Because there are so many restaurants in the Unites States,
you'll have to
be selective. The very first American restaurant I visited
was Denny's.
We didn't have Denny's in Russia--thank God! What a strange
place. When
I want in to be seated, the hostess asked me, "How many in
your party?" I
said, "Two million.". She gave me a corner booth.
You may start to wonder about some of the people who work
there. They
all seem to look the same. I was curious to know if, to
hire someone
there, they require a three pimple minimum. The hardest
thing to get
used to is the service they give. I ordered a hamburger in
one place
and the waiter asked me if I wanted him to "hold my pickle".
I said,
"No, thanks, not while I'm eating." Then he asked if he
could "toast my
buns." When he offered me some "secret sauce", I decided to
take my
meal "to go". When he said he was going to put it in a
doggie bag, I
just stuffed the food in my pocket and left.
Added: Monday 3rd December 2007 06:00:02
MAKE THE WORLD HAPPIER
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."
Added: Friday 30th November 2007 06:00:03
NICKNAMES OF BILL CLINTON AND HIS MASTER
Bill Clinton Nicknames
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel
Hillary Clinton nicknames
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham
Added: Wednesday 28th November 2007 18:00:02
OSAMA IN HEAVEN
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.
Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
Added: Wednesday 28th November 2007 06:00:03
FLAGS TELL US INFORMATION ABOUT OUR TAXES
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Added: Wednesday 28th November 2007 00:00:04
YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN . . .
You might be a Republican if . . .
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the
sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you
accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball
and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit . . .
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in
Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in
1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end
of racism in America.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while
attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero"
sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a
bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a
trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute
to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
Added: Saturday 24th November 2007 06:00:01
OUR PRESIDENT
Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton are on the
Titantic as it starts to sink. Jimmy Carter says
"Gentlemen, Gentlemen, women and children first!" Nixon
says "Fuck the women & children!". Bill Clinton replies, "Do
we have time?"
Added: Wednesday 21st November 2007 18:00:02
THE INTERROGATION - DR. SEUSS STYLE
THE INTEROGATION
"STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss"
---------------------------------------- I'm here to ask As
you'll soon see -- Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her In your house? Did you grope Beneath her
blouse?
I did not do that Here or there-- I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that Near or far -- I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek Beneath her
skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie When called upon To
testify?
I do not like you Starr-You-Are -- I think that you Have
gone too far.
I will not answer Any more -- Perhaps I will go Start a war!
The public's easy To distract -- When bombs are Falling on
Iraq!
Added: Friday 16th November 2007 12:00:02
WHAT IS ONE BILLION?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Added: Friday 9th November 2007 12:00:03
THE PRESIDENTS ON THE TITANIC
Five of our Presidents: Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and
Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats!"
Carter said, "Women and children first!"
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
Added: Friday 2nd November 2007 12:00:02
WHY ARE DEMOCRATES BETTER IN BED?
Why are Democrats better in bed?
You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have
you?
Added: Friday 2nd November 2007 00:00:02
CHECK THE OIL
There are a lot of folks that cannot understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here is the answer: It is simple......... nobody bothered to check the oil.
Did not know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.
Most of the oil is in Alaska, Oklahoma, and Texas, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
Added: Friday 5th October 2007 18:00:09
PRESIDENT CARTER'S "FUNNY" JOKE
In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.
He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.
After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke?
When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator responded, "I told them, 'President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please laugh now.'"
Added: Wednesday 26th September 2007 00:00:02
WHY DID OSAMA BIN LADEN BLOW UP A KFC?
Q: Why did Osama bin Laden blow up a KFC?
A: Because he thought he was attacking an American Colonel.
Added: Saturday 15th September 2007 18:00:02
BUSH MEETS MOSES
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
Added: Thursday 13th September 2007 12:00:01
DEAR MR. HINCKLEY
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you
how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in
your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding
and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral
consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the
land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born
against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are
aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you
to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident
that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to
your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
Added: Wednesday 5th September 2007 00:00:02
CALIFORNIA DRIVERS LICENSE TEST
LA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name:________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly
Female
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a
motor
vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If
you don't own
a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check
all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of
application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while
driving.
TEST
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should
immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
your car on
the
news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone
company
for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form
ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window
on your left.
Added: Wednesday 29th August 2007 12:00:02
NYPD FBI AND CIA
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Added: Monday 27th August 2007 18:00:01
BILL CLINTON'S FUNERAL
Q: Why are they planning to bury Bill Clinton 12 feet under
at his funeral?
A: Because deep down he's really a good person.
Added: Thursday 23rd August 2007 06:00:03
PRESIDENTIAL COINCIDENCE?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in
1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in
1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Added: Wednesday 22nd August 2007 12:00:02
WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."
Added: Friday 10th August 2007 00:00:02
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE NOT AT THE REAL SENATE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS
13. Videotaped "deposition" consists solely of Sharon Stone
crossing and uncrossing her legs.
12. Judge Judy unleashes a stern tongue-lashing, telling
everyone to "just grow up."
11. Senator Moe's frequent outbursts of "Why, I oughtta..."
10. Presiding Judge is wearing four gold stripes. And
nothing BUT stripes.
9. Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8. Ten minutes into Hamburgler's testimony, you realize
"Mayor McCheese" *isn't* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7. 15 minute recess involves a slide and monkey bars.
6. Strom Thurmond just moved.
5. George Will is presiding over the hearings and the "Rip
Clinton a New Rectum" motion just passed.
4. No "Eau de Kennedy."
3. All testimony submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2. For $20, "Monica" allows anyone to play the part of
"Bill" during the re-enactment.
1. Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt.
Added: Saturday 4th August 2007 00:00:02
NEWS RELEASE
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
Added: Tuesday 10th July 2007 06:00:03
ELIAN GONZALES
Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate
of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a
Cuban he was almost impeached.
Added: Sunday 8th July 2007 18:00:03
ENTERTAIN GUESTS
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
Added: Thursday 5th July 2007 00:00:02
LYING POLITICIANS
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed
into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after
seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few
days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus,
and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The
old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked
the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer
replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie."
Added: Saturday 23rd June 2007 06:00:02
NEW COMPUTER AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Two young female Interns meet for lunch at a restaurant near
the White House.
One girl says to the other one,"Hey, I just heard that the
White House got a new computer!
The other girl says, "Really? What kind?"
The first girl says, "All I know is, it's got a 6 1/2 inch
hard drive and no memory!"
Added: Tuesday 12th June 2007 00:00:01
DEMOCRATS VERSUS REPUBLICANS
1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.
3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.
7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.
8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.
11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.
Added: Monday 4th June 2007 12:00:02
INMATES RUNNING THE ASYLUM?
Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less
than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same
group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in
line. Are the inmates running the asylum?
Added: Sunday 20th May 2007 18:00:01
CHELSEA
Q: Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a sister?
A: Monica swallowed them.
Added: Monday 30th April 2007 00:00:04
IRAQI TV SCHEDULE
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
************************************
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest
Things"
9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless
Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From
Touching Each Other"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"
Added: Sunday 29th April 2007 06:00:01
RUSH LIMBAUGH
Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when
he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig.
Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and
apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for
10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what
happened and the chauffeur says, "Well, I went in and told
them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and
daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!" "Well, what
did you say?!" cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. "Oh, I told
them that I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed
the pig."
Added: Wednesday 25th April 2007 00:00:04
MILITARY COMPUTER
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and
instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.
They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then
ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with
the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally
one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES
WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
Added: Tuesday 17th April 2007 18:00:09
PRESIDENT'S BONUS
Washington pundits suggest that citizen concern over raising
the president's salary to $400,000 is unnecessary. The extra
$200,000 is coming from the Chinese.
Added: Tuesday 17th April 2007 06:00:10
BILL CLINTON'S VERSION OF THE OSCAR MAYER WIENER SONG
His baloney has a first name
It's "I-did-not-inhale."
His balony has a second name,
It's "I-wasn't-getting-tail."
Oh, He loves to sling it every day.
The White House people all just saaaaaaaay . . .
That Billy Clinton has-a-way,
Of mak-ing bullshit sound o-kay.
Added: Tuesday 17th April 2007 00:00:02
CLINTON ADMINISTRATION MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Acute: Opposite of an ugly
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Added: Sunday 8th April 2007 12:00:02
RESEARCH
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
Added: Monday 2nd April 2007 12:00:01
LEWINSKY'S REPLY
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response
to President Clinton's testimony "I have had enough. This
whole experience has eft a bitter taste in my mouth, and I
can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in
myface.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard,
that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in
the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the
challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked
bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one
will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a
finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work
nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean
of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. "Thank
you." Monica Lewinsky
Added: Tuesday 20th March 2007 18:00:03
CLINTON'S NEW SECRETARY
Q: What did President Clinton say to his new secretary?
A: "I don't believe I've come across your face before"
Added: Sunday 4th March 2007 18:00:01
CLINTON SEX POLL
In a recent poll, 500 women were asked if they would sleep
with President Clinton.
90% Said, "Never again . . ."
Added: Thursday 22nd February 2007 06:00:01
PURCHASING NEW BRAINS
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
Added: Wednesday 7th February 2007 00:00:02
DEAR BILL CLINTON
From the President's e-mail box:
==================================
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your
predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in
my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my
lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless
you in this time of trial.
Jimmy Carter ---------------------- Dear Bill: OK,
so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a
babe! Gary Hart ----------------------
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I
should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through.
Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and
all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
----------------------
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel
with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can
you!
Mayor Marion Berry
----------------------
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing
Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports
show? I'm back on TV for the Fall.
Marv Albert
----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment
bandwagon. Let me assure you, you're not the only one in
Washington who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Newt ----------------------------
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her
regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank
Gifford
---------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's
nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
--------------------------
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have
gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before
Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
-------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want
you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're
welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland
Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack
to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Michael Jackson
--------------------------
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with
you sometime.
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), won't let them get you
on tape. Big mistake!!
With sympathy, Rob Lowe
-------------------------
Dear Bill:
If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit.
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might
actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll
be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip!
(And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a
sense of humor...)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
------------------------
Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
Editor, Cigar magazine
Added: Wednesday 31st January 2007 18:00:03
THE NEW BILL OF RIGHTS
Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly different now.
And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation's desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.
We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it's time to bring the wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.
AMENDMENT I
Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably assemble where and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances, under proper procedures.
It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by one or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more.
AMENDMENT II
A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)
AMENDMENT III
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.
AMENDMENT IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to law.
AMENDMENT V
Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.
AMENDMENT VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury.
AMENDMENT VII
In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.
AMENDMENT VIII
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain in custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available.
AMENDMENT IX
The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment.
AMENDMENT X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein through the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the public interest. The public interest shall be determined by the Civil Service.
Added: Monday 22nd January 2007 19:05:38
TOP TEN THINGS MONICA LEWINSKY CAN DO TO MEND HER REPUTATION
10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught
in her throat.
9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation.
8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos.
7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia.
6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby.
5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't
like Sara Lee).
4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles.
3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim
wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face.
2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by
flashing her thong.
1. Stop the damn smirking.
Added: Monday 22nd January 2007 13:05:38
THE DEVELOPMENT OF A NEW PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.
Personally, I don't think either will be around in four years.
Added: Sunday 21st January 2007 12:00:03
CLINTON'S DOG BUDDY
Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton named his new dog buddy?
A: Because he gets tired of hearing Hillary say, "Cum on
spot."
Added: Saturday 20th January 2007 00:00:03
BILL CLINTON
He's "The Real Tricky Dick."
Added: Sunday 31st December 2006 06:00:02
NON-CONFORMIST
You can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because
he looks just like every other non-conformist.
---Anon
Added: Wednesday 27th December 2006 12:00:02
CONFUCIOUS AND CLINTON
Confucius said to Bill Clinton, "You blow job over blow
job."
Added: Monday 25th December 2006 18:00:02
JAY LENO JOKES
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
Added: Saturday 23rd December 2006 06:00:02
TOP 10 SIGNS THE PRESIDENT IS ANGRY
10.Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase
"You can all bite me"
9.Giving people on the White House tour the finger
8.Punched the side of Al Gore's head so hard he broke his
hand
7.Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a
Marine Band clarinetist
6.At recent Rose Garden ceremony, has Secret Service rough
up some Spelling Bee champions
5.Blurted out to Roger, "Isn't it time you got, like, a
job?"
4.When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a
Yoo-Hoo bottle
3.Feverishly adds names to long list of guys he's going to
slug the minute he becomes a private citizen
2.Actually talked back to Hillary
1.Every five minutes, he's threatening to bomb Mexico
Added: Tuesday 28th November 2006 18:00:02
MIDGET HOUSING SUBSIDIES
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for
midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should
have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that
we could finance the building of homes and let the "little
people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns
out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we
built, the subsidy covers everything.
We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
Added: Tuesday 28th November 2006 12:00:02
IRAQI BINGO
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2
Added: Monday 27th November 2006 00:00:05
UPS & DOWNS
We've learned alot more about what was going on in the '96
election thanks to Monica and Bob Dole's viagra promos. It
turns out that we had a challenger who couldn't "keep it up"
and a president who couldn't "keep it down"
Added: Tuesday 21st November 2006 12:00:02
CANNIBALS AND POLITICIANS
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
Added: Tuesday 21st November 2006 06:00:03
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Bill Clinton."
Added: Thursday 16th November 2006 18:00:02
WHAT POLITICIANS WANT
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is
always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
Added: Thursday 26th October 2006 06:00:06
THE WORST GOLF FOURSOME
What is the worst golf foursome?
O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill
Clinton.
Why?
O.J. Slices, Kennedy can't go near the water, Monica hooks,
and Bill does not know what hole he is on.
Added: Tuesday 24th October 2006 12:00:02
SADDAM HUSSEIN AND FRED FLINTSTONE
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Added: Friday 20th October 2006 06:00:03
THE PRESIDENTS CLOCK
One day President(eeeekk) Clinton was interviewing a new
Presidential Page. His name was Kidhacker. 10 minutes into
the interview, President Clinton asked Kidhacker if he wanted
to see the Presidential Clock. "No no", retorted Kidhacker,
"I've heard all about you and want nothing to do with it."
After a few minutes of convincing, Kidhacker relented and
agreed to look at the Presidential Clock. President Clinton
led Kidhacker into a room off the Oval Office, where he then
dropped his pants. Kidhacker exclaimed " That's not the
Presidential Clock, it's the Presidential Cock!!". "Well,"
said the president, "If you put two hands and a face on it,
it's a clock".
Added: Tuesday 10th October 2006 18:00:02
WHEN CLINTON WILL DIE
Bill Clinton goes to a fortune teller and asks her when he
is going to die.
She looks deeply into her crystal ball and says, "You will
die on a National holiday."
"Oh really?" says Bill. "Which one?"
And the fortune teller says, "Any day you die will be a
National holiday."
Added: Sunday 24th September 2006 06:00:02
BILL CLINTON INTERVIEW
Bill Clinton Interview
Ed: "Hello Mr. Clinton. How are things going lately?"
Clinton: "What the hell do you think? I’ve just been
impeached. Don’t you have a TV?"
Ed: "Yes, of course Sir, stupid question. I’m sorry. That
was very insensitive of me."
Clinton: "Damn right. Now let’s get this interview over
with. I’ve got some presidential duties I’ve got to perform
soon."
Ed: "Alright. First question, Sir. Why Monica? I mean, she’s
pretty bugly."
Clinton: "’Bugly’? Sorry son, don’t quite know what that
means."
Ed: "Oh, it’s a little word we say out here in California.
It’s ‘butt’ + ‘ugly’ put together. Bugly."
Clinton: "Well, son, when you got a wife like mine, who by
the way is very bugly, you don’t get around to screwing as
much as one would hope. And, my God, my horny level was about
this fricking high! I mean, even Socks started looking like a
mighty good pussy."
Ed: "Ahem..err…of course Sir. But what I mean is, Monica is
just so damn fat! She looks like she never ever swallowed,
you know what I mean?"
Clinton: "Well, my boy, like they say. You can’t have heat
if ya don’t got the meat."
Ed: "Oh, ha ha. Of course…some men like porky women. I
respect that. If I were you though, and Monica was sucking on
my cock, I’d be hella scared that she might have hot-dog
flashbacks and start chewing on my dick!"
Clinton: "That never bothered me much. Sure, I thought about
it when she went down on me, but I figured that my
‘presidential staff’ was bent crooked enough to dissuade her
of that cannibalistic possibility."
Ed: "Oh that’s right! Isn’t your pee pee bent, like, 62
degrees to the left, or something? How’d that happen?"
Clinton: "Humph!…..Grrr….I really wouldn’t not like to talk
about that."
Ed: "Come on! Come on! I’ll be your friend!"
Clinton: "Fine, okay. It all started years ago, back in my
college days. I was young, I was stupid, and I was ignorant.
In fact, believe or not, I was a damn virgin! Me, a virgin!"
(Ed Smiles)
Clinton: "Anyway, I was with the loser squad. Nobody invited
any of us to be in any fraternities. Even the geeky ass nerds
shunned us. So one day, me and my pals decided we were going
to do something great. Something so memorable that we were
gonna be school legends!"
Ed: "Wow, what’d you guys do?"
Clinton: "Well, my friend had a another friend who new some
guy whose girlfriend’s dad owned a farm. Man did we had the
connections! Now we needed to find somebody who owned a car."
Ed: "Did you?"
Clinton: "No. We ended up paying $400 to Chad Pilky for a
20-minute ride in his Pinto."
(Ed laughs, hard. Ha ha ha!)
Clinton: "Hey you little turd, you best not laugh or I’ll
pardon your father out of jail!"
Ed: "No! No! I’m sorry Sir, anything but that. My asshole
still hurts from my last visit home!"
Clinton: "That’s better. So, we ended up paying $400 to Chad
Pilky for a 20-minute ride in his Pinto. We got to the farm,
and luck be with us, nobody was home. My pals and I made our
way to the barn, and there he was. Little Bill, the billy
goat."
Ed: "Don’t tell me, you didn’t…..kill it, …did you?"
Clinton: "Not exactly, I mean, we didn’t mean to kill it."
Ed: "Good Lord! Our Commander in Chief killed a poor
defenseless billy goat!"
Clinton: "Hush! Shhhh! NO! It’s not like that. We didn’t
kill it. We just, ‘played’ with it."
Ed: "Oh…what’d you guys do? Play with it’s teets and drain
all of it’s milk?"
Clinton: "What the hell? I’m no queer! We just made it suck
our cocks!"
(Awkward Silence)
Clinton: "And you know goats, they’ll eat anything."
(Ed Shudders)
Clinton: "Boy! Where are you going?"
Ed: "Oh…no-where. So, you said the goat died?"
Clinton: "Yeah, turns out my friend Skippy had the flu, and
the goat just couldn’t fight off them little germies."
Ed: "Well, enough about your ‘sex life,’ Mr. Clinton."
Clinton: "What else is there to talk about?!"
Ed: "Hmmm…you’re right."
(Clinton takes another swig on his Budweiser.)
Clinton: "You really look like a nishe kid, Ed. Wouldja like
for me to tell you about de time that I screwed Hillary’s
dear old Mom?"
(Ed gulps)
Ed: "Sure Mr. President. Go ahead."
Clinton: "It was de year 1983, and, ha ha! We were vishiting
the in-lawshs, and uh….Hillary and her Daddy went off to
lunsch someplashe, while Hillary’sh mommy lay shick in the
bed. Like I shay before, my horny level went thish freaking
high! She never knew what shcrewed her! It’sh any man’s
dream!"
Ed: "What did you do after that, Sir?"
Clinton: "Why, I ran away."
Ed: "Ran away?"
Clinton: "Yesh, Shir, he who fucksh and runs away, livesh to
fuck again."
Ed: "Well, thanks for this interview Mr. President. I
learned a lot."
(Clinton gulps down the rest of his Bud.)
Clinton: "Where ye goingksh?"
Ed: "Uh….I’m going back home so I can post this interview on
the ‘net."
Clinton: "The ‘net! NO!"
Ed: "Yeah, the ‘net. Didn’t I tell you that tens of
thousands of people across the entire globe are going to be
reading this?"
(Clinton becomes red in the face.)
Clinton: "NO!"
Ed: "Sorry, my mistake. Bye!"
(Ed leaves the White House)
Ed: (Outside) "Geez, you’d think he’d be used to people
ratting him out by now."
Added: Wednesday 20th September 2006 00:00:04
THE ADVENTURES OF BILL CLINTON
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!
[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn't do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!
Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?
[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
[Voice on the line]
Are you sure, sir?
[President Bill]
Yes!!!
Fire the missiles!!!
Fire the missiles now!!!
[Voice on the line]
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
[President Bill]
Thank you, son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
[Aid]
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
Added: Saturday 16th September 2006 06:00:02
TOP TEN HILLARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different
Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
Can Illegally
Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A
Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
Husband Over
It"
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas!"
Added: Friday 1st September 2006 06:00:03
ASKING THE WIZARD OF OZ
President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said, "So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, "So be it".
Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage". The Wizard granted this wish as well.
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
Added: Thursday 31st August 2006 00:00:05
ELIZABETH AND DI ON A DRIVE
Queen Elizabeth and Princess Di are driving down a deserted
country road in a new Rolls-Royce. Princess Di is at the
wheel. She looks in the mirror and sees an old car following
them. The driver is wearing a ski mask and hat, and he has a
rifle. He motions for them to pull over.
"Quick," she says to Elizabeth, "you hide your jewels, and
I'll hide my money."
Di pulls over by the side of the road, and so does man. The
man gets out of his car, slams the door, and walks up to
them.
He turns to Di. "Gimme all your money," he sneers.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any money," Di responds politely.
He turns to Elizabeth. "Give me all your jewels."
"I'm sorry, I don't have any jewels on me," she responds
politely.
The man scowls. "Get out of the car. Both of you!" They
obey. The man gets into the car and drives off.
When the man and the car are gone, Di asks Elizabeth, "Where
did you hide your jewels?"
"Oh, in that special place that women have." answers
Elizabeth "Where did you hide your money?"
"Oh, I hid my money in that special place women have, too."
says Di. She pauses for a second and looks down the road. "If
Fergie were here, we'd still have the car..."
Added: Saturday 12th August 2006 00:00:05
CHELSEA CLINTON AND SEX
Hillary Clinton was having a heart-to-heart talk with her
daughter Chelsea and asked, "Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad."
Added: Sunday 6th August 2006 18:00:02
DINNER WITH CLINTON AND GORE
Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill
Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to
take their order. Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill
Clinton studied the menu for a second. Then he looked up,
smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said,
"Considering all that your wife went through last year
with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly
poor taste."
She stomped away to cry.
Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and
whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Added: Thursday 27th July 2006 18:00:03
CLINTON MEETS THE POPE
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with
President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President
Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President
was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding
success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a
failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness,
President Clinton just announced the summit was a great
success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items
discussed".
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking
about the Ten
Commandments."
Added: Thursday 13th July 2006 23:50:12
AVOIDING THE DRAFT
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from
The military base.
The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun
was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a
book. He said to her "quick sister, please hide me I don't
want to be Drafted and the MP's are chasing me!" She lifted
up her skirts and said hide under my skirt.
The two policemen came By and asked if she had seen anyone.
She replied "no".
After they left she told the young boy to come out all was
OK He said you have a nice set of legs for a nun! She replied
if you reach up a little farther you'll find a set of balls!
I'm not going to be drafted either!
Added: Friday 7th July 2006 11:51:41
PRESIDENT CLINTON MEETS SOME VOTERS
President Clinton is shaking hands with the voters after being elected for the second time.
"Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about you in the past few years."
Clinton laughs: "You can't prove any of it!"
Added: Friday 23rd June 2006 17:54:46
THE STUPID COMMENTS OF HILLARY CLINTON
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy"?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life, which can be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once again vicious lies are spread about us and guerrilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
Added: Monday 12th June 2006 06:14:28
THE MIRANDA RIGHTS AS COPS WOULD REALLY LIKE TO READ THEM
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are
_____________ (fill in
some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Added: Tuesday 6th June 2006 06:14:24
CLINTONIO, A POLITICAL OPERA
CLINTONIO A POLITICAL OPERA:
Act 1.
The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of
the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans
are devastated, angry and
are trying to find their way back to power.
As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are
meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a
way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency.
The opening chorale "We Must Find a Way" (Creatio
grandissimo flooz scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an
impressive recitative, Tom Delay sings "Where Will We find a
Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimba). The House
Republicans exit.
Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her
plaintive "Why Can't I find a Man?" (Mi Schnoz es humongo.)
Tom Delay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They
spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La Flooza
perfetta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where
they hatch their plot in hushed tones.
Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton
years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then.
Delay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria, "Your
Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo es rewardo).
Act 2.
The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's
revelations. They sing in jubilation "We must Tell the World"
(Phono tabloido). The rear
curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the
chorale, "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala
hypo sweepi).
Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He
Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola).
Robertson offers to make time on his television program to
expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion,
Paula initiates a lawsuit.
The Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation
throughout the country.
The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the
jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi
grande moolah).
Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next
steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi
connivo).
Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send
charges to the Congress He sings "The Truth Will be Known"
(Whitewater non starto, probo la flooz epidemio). The Chorus
of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" as the
act ends.
Act 3.
Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She
is wearing a headset. She is singing "Monica is My Dearest
Friend" (Mi es la
wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret
tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica
Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him
Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni). Starr hurries off to the
Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.
Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of
lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did
It happen?" (Panti thongo, la flashi). Monica in the long
passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Non smoko El
Pruducto, phalli symboglio).
In the third scene, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the
Lincoln bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica.
Hillary sings "I Will Stand ByYou" (Tu jercho estupido, mi
removo su equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only
One" (non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimba forgetta).
They embrace.
Act 4.
Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol
Building. The chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde
sings the aria "We Believe in
Something (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a
recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee
eslippo).
The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to
public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76%
approval rating with the public with the poignant aria,"What
is Right is Not Popular" (Partia Repubblico committini
suicido).
TheChorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come
First" (Mi adultero non conto).
With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom Delay
stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the
somber trio "How Can you Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi
flimsioso).
Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus Of Lawyers sings
"For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit." (Senato non
stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom Delay,
Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing
the grand quartet "We Still Know theTruth"
(Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends.
Epilogue.
The President sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry"
(Revengo futuro) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting
their questions. They sing "Who will now Believe us?"
(Publicca degustanta es in media).
Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary
agent, Ken Starr. They sing "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi
grande bucchi, dollare millioni) as the curtain falls.
Added: Monday 5th June 2006 18:14:24
CLINTON ONE-LINERS
Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really a "yes ma'am."
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse"
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? "Socialism"
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest" democrat.
On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." -- George Bush
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.
Election night
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Added: Tuesday 23rd May 2006 11:52:21
PICKING A CANDIDATE
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled
simultaneous
campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England
town. After a
lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way
through the
crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the
candidates fled
to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a
dozen regulars.
The other candidate, however, continued to move through the
crowd - shaking
hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the
natives, "sure makes
it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting
a vote for a
man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
Added: Tuesday 16th May 2006 11:52:16
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN WASHINGTON DC
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual
conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself
against such claims. However the President would like to
state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident
has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to
undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was
necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some
embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said
that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing
as his zipper got stuck.
Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he
found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for
medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one
of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.
In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to
kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the
zipper.
For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to
end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr.
Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.
As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure
that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be
seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential
penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should
anyone enter the room.
Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose
as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of
her face so she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's
fly, and it was during this time that another staff member
entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the
situation.
Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing
unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky.
He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a
number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated
assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.
Added: Tuesday 16th May 2006 05:52:16
CLINTON BUMPER STICKERS
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!
Added: Wednesday 10th May 2006 11:52:11
THE DEFINITION OF BTU
Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU has lead to the creation of set definitions that may be used when discussing its meaning.
1. Big Time Unemployment
2. Buy Thermal Underwear
3. Bill's Tax Utopia
4. Being Totally Unfair
Added: Tuesday 9th May 2006 17:52:11
BILL CLINTON'S WISH
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he
had?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Added: Tuesday 2nd May 2006 11:52:06
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