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ONE LINERS (updated Sunday 21st March 2010 00:00:01 EDT)
SIN AND SHAME?
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 19th March 2010 06:00:02
TIME FLIES...
Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana.
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 22
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 18:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 17
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Added: Tuesday 2nd March 2010 00:00:01
INSULTS 5
She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book.
She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would
play with her.
She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road!
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 19th February 2010 18:00:01
ANOTHER JACKO JOKE
Why does Michael Jackson shop at Wal-Mart?
He saw a sign that said, "Boys underwear half off!"
Submitted by Sammb
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 12th February 2010 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 10
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Added: Thursday 11th February 2010 12:00:01
ROBERT SCHMIDT 13
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Added: Wednesday 10th February 2010 12:00:01
OFF THE TOILET WALL
Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
- Women's toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.
- Women's toilet, Champaign, Illinois.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times, Washington DC.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Tucson, Arizona.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
- Men's toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
A Women's Rule of Thumb - if it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's toilet, Dallas, Texas.
Jesus Saves, but wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
- Men's toilet, American University, Washington DC.
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
- Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.
You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in women's toilet, Beverly Hills, California.
No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in men's toilet, Beverly Hills, California.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Armand's Pizza, Washington DC.
To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra
- Men's toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!
- Women's toilet, Bozeman, Montana.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books, New York.
Added: Tuesday 9th February 2010 00:00:01
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.
Added: Friday 5th February 2010 00:00:01
ROBERT SCHMIDT 02
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Added: Thursday 4th February 2010 00:00:01
POPCORN
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 27th January 2010 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 73
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.
Added: Monday 25th January 2010 18:00:02
PHONE SEX
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 23rd January 2010 06:00:01
BARRED
Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 20th January 2010 18:00:01
INSULTS 1
Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to
hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years
old before you learned how to wave good-bye.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 19th January 2010 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 37
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
Added: Tuesday 19th January 2010 00:00:01
TORNADOES & MARRIAGE
Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 15th January 2010 18:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 14
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken
What's new? Most of my wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Added: Tuesday 12th January 2010 12:00:01
I GET NO RESPECT 01
"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
Added: Monday 11th January 2010 00:00:01
SMALL PANTS
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Added: Thursday 7th January 2010 18:00:01
RESTAURANT SERVICE
Waiter to customer: "Our specialty is snails."
"I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 7th January 2010 00:00:01
CANDLE COST
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope
Added: Saturday 2nd January 2010 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 69
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.
Added: Friday 1st January 2010 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 68
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
Added: Friday 1st January 2010 00:00:01
ELEPHANT TAMPONS
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 30th December 2009 00:00:01
GRIT IN A CONDOM
What do you call grit in a condom?
An organ grinder!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Cutis
Added: Wednesday 23rd December 2009 18:00:01
SEQUEL
Seems like they're working on a sequel to the movie 'The Abyss'.
Rumor has it that they're going to call it, 'Son of Abyss'.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 20th December 2009 18:00:01
FIGHTER PILOT
How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 20th December 2009 06:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 20
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Added: Wednesday 16th December 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 53
Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Boyle's Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10) If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space Flight Center, NASA
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.
Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.
Added: Saturday 12th December 2009 18:00:01
TENNIS ELBOW
If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!
Submitted by Curtis
Eduted by yisman
Added: Friday 11th December 2009 18:00:01
GETTING OLD
You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
Added: Tuesday 8th December 2009 18:00:02
LIFESAVERS
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in five flavors.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 2nd December 2009 18:00:01
YO MOMA'S SO FAT
Yo mamma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says.... to be continued
Added: Wednesday 2nd December 2009 06:00:01
OLD ACTORS
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Added: Wednesday 25th November 2009 18:00:01
MORONIC INSTRUCTIONS
On a hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping.'
On a bag of chips:
`You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of soap:
'Directions: use like regular soap.'
On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: defrost.'
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
'Fits one head.'
On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
'Do not turn upside down.'
On packaged Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'
On packaging for an iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On children's cough medicine:
'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'
On sleep aid:
'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.'
On a packet of nuts:
'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'
On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
On a child's Superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
Added: Friday 20th November 2009 12:00:01
THREE STRIKES
There’s some talk about changing California’s three strikes and you’re out law.
You know who really wants it changed?
The Dodgers.
Added: Friday 20th November 2009 06:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 15
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
Added: Tuesday 17th November 2009 06:00:02
BURNS ME
You know what burns me?
Matches.
-Jay London
Added: Sunday 15th November 2009 18:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 16
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Added: Sunday 15th November 2009 12:00:01
PECK PECK PECK
Q: What goes "Peck, Peck, Peck, Boom"?
A: Chicken in a mine field.
Added: Wednesday 11th November 2009 12:00:01
O.J.'S GLOVE
We knew the jury was going to let Jackson off... why else would they have asked the judge to see O.J.’s glove again.
Added: Tuesday 10th November 2009 00:00:01
CAKE
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
It's called wedding cake.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 6th November 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 51
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. Berkeley
Added: Friday 6th November 2009 06:00:01
ROOTS
What do peroxide blondes and African men have in common?
They both have black roots.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 31st October 2009 18:00:01
LAB MICE
Why are they having so much trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
The scientists can't get the little mice to butt fuck.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Thursday 29th October 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 50
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.")
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Added: Wednesday 28th October 2009 12:00:01
TORNADOS
What do women and tornados have in common?
They both scream before they come and they take everything with them when they leave.
Added: Wednesday 28th October 2009 00:00:02
STEVEN WRIGHT 26
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Added: Tuesday 27th October 2009 18:00:01
AIRFIX MODEL
What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One's a glueless kit...
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Saturday 24th October 2009 18:00:01
DEPTH PERCEPTION
What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
Depth perception.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 22nd October 2009 06:00:01
I GET NO RESPECT 04
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."
Added: Wednesday 21st October 2009 12:00:01
THREE LITTLE WORDS
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 20th October 2009 12:00:01
FROG CROAK
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. "If you hold their little heads under water long enough"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 18th October 2009 12:00:01
GOVERNMENT VS. MAFIA
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Added: Wednesday 14th October 2009 18:00:01
WHAT'S UP DOC...
A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"
Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Wednesday 14th October 2009 12:00:01
I'M NOT ATHLETIC
Personally, I'm not the athletic type. I once sprained my wrist while reading "Sports Illustrated."
Added: Sunday 11th October 2009 18:00:01
KNEES
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Cum.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 4th October 2009 00:00:01
3 TYKES
I guess they got Michael on that new law — 3 tykes and you're out. —Jay Leno
Added: Tuesday 29th September 2009 18:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 04
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
Added: Saturday 26th September 2009 18:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 05
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
Added: Saturday 26th September 2009 00:00:01
VICE PRESIDENTS
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
Added: Thursday 24th September 2009 18:00:01
STOP SMOKING
What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
Fill his water bed with gasoline.
Added: Thursday 24th September 2009 06:00:01
LIVING FOREVER
I intend to live forever - so far, so good!
Added: Monday 21st September 2009 06:00:01
MEN'S ROOM
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited Glaci
Added: Sunday 20th September 2009 00:00:01
PICNIC
Man: "Do you know the difference between a penis and a chicken leg?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Well, do you want to go for a picnic?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 15th September 2009 12:00:01
MORNING AFTER PILL
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
Added: Monday 14th September 2009 06:00:01
SHORT CUT
Why do barbers make good drivers?
Because they know all the short cuts.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 31st August 2009 12:00:02
TOP REASON FOR SLEEP
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
"I was working smarter-not harder."
"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"I'm in the management training program."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
Added: Monday 31st August 2009 00:00:01
DANCE FOREVER
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 30th August 2009 18:00:01
FOOD
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 29th August 2009 12:00:01
NEWS HEADLINES 02
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Added: Friday 28th August 2009 18:00:01
SURVIVAL
How can one believe in survival of the fittest when you look at
some of the people running around in jogging shorts?
Added: Friday 28th August 2009 00:00:01
REDNECK HOTEL
An older couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room, this is the elevator!"
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Thursday 27th August 2009 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 76
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
Added: Thursday 27th August 2009 12:00:01
MALCOLM X SHIRT
Your Mama is so fat, that when she wore a Malcolm X T-shirt, a helicopter tried to land on her!
Added: Thursday 27th August 2009 06:00:02
98 LEGS
What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Added: Thursday 27th August 2009 00:00:01
MAD COW DISEASE
Two cows are lying in a field.
One of them says to the other, So what do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing?
The other says, What do I care? Im a helicopter.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 26th August 2009 00:00:01
STEREO
How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?
If she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 25th August 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 35
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
Added: Sunday 23rd August 2009 18:00:01
GOOD TO BE A MAN
Reasons it's good to be a man
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
The National College Cheer leading Championship.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
You can be President.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work... more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't cry off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'
Baywatch.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
Added: Saturday 22nd August 2009 06:00:01
BALANCED PERSON
My mother-in-law is a well balanced person.
She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders
Added: Wednesday 19th August 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 13
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Added: Saturday 15th August 2009 12:00:02
JUST A MINUTE
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Added: Friday 14th August 2009 00:00:02
KODAK
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 9th August 2009 00:00:02
MORSE CODE
I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Added: Saturday 8th August 2009 12:00:01
WOMAN VS KFC
What does a woman and KFC have in common?
After you are done eating the breasts, legs, and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 7th August 2009 18:00:02
REAL SAD
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 6th August 2009 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 42
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
Added: Monday 3rd August 2009 06:00:03
POLE
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 29th July 2009 00:00:02
BLIND GUY
Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Added: Saturday 25th July 2009 12:00:02
TWO MUFFINS
Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin says "boy...its hot in here"
The 2nd muffins says, "Holy s**t a talking muffin"
Added: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 18:00:01
AGGRESSIVE SALESMAN
The last used car salesman I dealt with was a little aggressive.
After I bought the car though, he did release my wife and kids.
Added: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 00:00:01
BOYZ-2-MEN
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 00:00:01
CELEBRATE
If lovers celebrate Valentine's day what do MP's celebrate?
Palm Sunday!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 06:00:04
STEVEN WRIGHT 13
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 18:00:02
25 CENTS
You're all bruised. What happened?
I called my girl friend a two-bit whore and she hit me with a bag of quarters.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 58
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 06:00:04
STAY UP
What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 20th June 2009 06:00:04
DREAMING
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 15th June 2009 18:00:02
TRAINTRACKS
Ya mamma is like traintracks....
She gets laid around the country!
Added: Thursday 11th June 2009 06:00:05
COMING...
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 7th June 2009 18:00:01
ROBERT SCHMIDT 07
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Added: Thursday 4th June 2009 06:00:04
IRAQI NAVY
Why did the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.
Added: Tuesday 2nd June 2009 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 11
Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business"
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Added: Thursday 28th May 2009 18:00:02
MARRIAGE QUOTES 05
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Added: Friday 22nd May 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 16
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
Added: Monday 18th May 2009 18:00:01
MISSING
The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 17th May 2009 18:00:02
MIDDLE NAME
The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Added: Sunday 17th May 2009 00:00:01
THINGS U NEVER HEAR
Things you'll never hear at a Nascar Race
"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."
"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"
"My God, this is a splendid Merlot!"
"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"
"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."
"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."
"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 14th May 2009 12:00:01
I'D DIE FOR YOU
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 14th May 2009 06:00:04
IN AN ELEVATOR...
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'
Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Added: Sunday 10th May 2009 06:00:04
DIFFERENCE!
What's the difference between a fat person and a virgin?
A fat person's trying to diet, and the virgin's dying to try it!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 4th May 2009 00:00:01
LIFE...
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbors newspaper that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
When someone says, 'Do you want my opinion?' it is always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
The word 'listen' contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say one out of even four people is crazy. Check three friends - if they are OK, you're it.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
Added: Monday 27th April 2009 18:00:01
FEELING GOOD
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 26th April 2009 06:00:03
COPS MISTAKE
Yesterday an arrest warrant was issued for Michael Jackson and today by mistake cops picked up Diana Ross.
—Jay Leno
Added: Friday 24th April 2009 06:00:04
THE DIFFERENCE?
What's the difference between a cameraman and a diesel generator?
The diesel generator stops whining at the end of the program.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 24th April 2009 00:00:01
DEEP THOUGHTS 10
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Added: Saturday 18th April 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 46
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
Added: Saturday 18th April 2009 06:00:04
STORK
Doc," said the husband, "I got nine kids and the wife's expecting again. How do I stop the stork?"
The doctor replied, "Shoot it in the air!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 15th April 2009 06:00:04
GRAFFITI
British public toilets have a large gap between the door and the floor.
In one of them, I spotted the following graffiti: 'Beware of the Irish limbo dancer'.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 15th April 2009 00:00:02
BAGPIPES VS JAVELIN
Q. How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Added: Sunday 12th April 2009 18:00:01
TATTOO
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man?
A tattoo.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 12th April 2009 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 18
By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.
Added: Sunday 12th April 2009 06:00:05
PESSIMIST'S BLOOD
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Added: Thursday 9th April 2009 06:00:05
OH, WHO?
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 8th April 2009 12:00:01
EASTER BUNNY
Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs?
So people won't know he's fucking chickens!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 1st April 2009 00:00:04
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 54
Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Added: Tuesday 31st March 2009 12:00:02
WHAT COLOR COFFEE?
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colours do you have?"
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 30th March 2009 12:00:02
STEVEN WRIGHT 02
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Added: Saturday 28th March 2009 00:00:01
WHY ET HAS BIG EYES
Question: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?
Answer: Because he saw the phone bill!
Added: Friday 27th March 2009 06:00:06
COOKIE CRUMBS
What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
A beat-up girl scout.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 25th March 2009 00:00:01
SOPHOMORE COURSE
How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 13th March 2009 12:00:04
CONDOMS
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Added: Thursday 12th March 2009 12:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 23
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost--$50. If found, just keep it."
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Added: Wednesday 11th March 2009 06:00:02
COMPLAIN HERE!
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
Added: Tuesday 10th March 2009 06:00:04
WHAT HAPPENED
What happened to the frog's car?
It got toad away.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 10th March 2009 00:00:01
SKUNKS
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69-ing?
A: Odor eaters.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 9th March 2009 18:00:02
INVISIBLE
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes, I can see you're not all there!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 7th March 2009 00:00:02
5 PEOPLE ON A 1 PLANE
The Presedent, his wife, the "smartest man in the world", an old man and a boy scout are on an airplane that's about to crash. There are only 4 parachuts.
The Presedent takes one saying "I'm the most important person for this countries Goverment!" So he jumps off. His wife takes one saying she helps him make destions and that "I'm with him" so she jumps off. The "Smartest man in the world takes one and says "I'm so smart I must help our new generations live life well and benifit everything!" So he jumps.
Now the only the old man and the boyscout is left with one parachut. The old man says to the boy "I don't have much longer to live anyway, so you may take the last parachut" in a sad, sulken voice. To this the boyscout pipes up saying "That's alwright! The "Smartest man in the world" just took my backpack!"
Added: Saturday 28th February 2009 18:00:01
SUMO WRESTLER
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So nobody will mistake them for lesbians.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 27th February 2009 12:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 10
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Added: Wednesday 25th February 2009 06:00:05
CAMERA AND CONDOM'S
What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!
Added: Thursday 19th February 2009 00:00:02
LOUDER HORN
A note was left on a car that had been given to a garage to be fixed, "Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Added: Friday 13th February 2009 18:00:01
ENERGIZER BUNNY
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Added: Wednesday 11th February 2009 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 52
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra
Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings
Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute
Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"
Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]
Added: Sunday 8th February 2009 12:00:02
4 POTATOES
Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Added: Thursday 5th February 2009 18:00:01
DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 1st February 2009 18:00:03
MARRIAGE QUOTES 08
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Added: Tuesday 27th January 2009 18:00:02
THERMOMETER
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Added: Friday 23rd January 2009 12:00:01
I GET NO RESPECT 02
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"
Added: Thursday 22nd January 2009 00:00:01
GARDENER'S KIDS
Did you hear about the flower arranger's children?
One was a budding genius, the other was a blooming idiot!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 18th January 2009 12:00:01
DEEP THOUGHTS 05
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
Added: Friday 16th January 2009 00:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 59
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
Added: Thursday 8th January 2009 12:00:03
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 14
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
Added: Wednesday 7th January 2009 06:00:03
PERSONAL GROWTH
It takes time to discover the Secret of Personal Growth.
Shoes with Lifts
Added: Sunday 4th January 2009 06:00:01
HOLES IN POCKETS
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 2nd January 2009 12:00:01
NO CHAIR
What does E.T. stand for?
Because he hasn't got a chair!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 29th December 2008 18:00:03
FITS LIKE A GLOVE
Did you hear the one about the man with five dicks?
His pants fit like a glove.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 28th December 2008 18:00:01
KEEP AWAY FROM KIDS
Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries.
Added: Saturday 27th December 2008 12:00:01
CHECKING THE TIME
"Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
"This isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 27th December 2008 06:00:01
JACKSON VS ACNE
Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Added: Saturday 20th December 2008 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 33
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
Stay in with the outs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
Added: Saturday 20th December 2008 06:00:02
THINGS THAT ANNOY
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. 'I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours?' Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say, 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' Piss off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it?
When people say, `It's always in the last place you'd look.' Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do some people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie, 'Did you see that?' No, shit-for-brains, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
People who ask, `Can I ask you a question?' don't really give you a choice, do they?
When something is 'new and improved' - which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going, say: `You should know, arse hole, you pulled me over.'
Added: Wednesday 17th December 2008 18:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 03
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
Added: Monday 15th December 2008 18:00:01
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Robin Williams idea of a good time is to go to the beach, swim out fifty yards and yell “Fire!”
Added: Monday 15th December 2008 12:00:01
BENT DICK?
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
Fucks funny!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 14th December 2008 12:00:02
LESBIAN
Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "Lesbian" has been changed to "Vagitarian"?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 14th December 2008 06:00:02
LADY FINGERS
Nobody gives you honest value for your money anymore.
Yesterday I bought a package of lady fingers---half of them were toes.
Added: Friday 12th December 2008 18:00:01
LYING MIDGET
How can you tell when a midget is lying?
When he says to a woman, "Your hair smells good!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 10th December 2008 06:00:01
MEN AND WOMEN
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 10th December 2008 00:00:02
BETTER SEX
Who enjoys sex more, males or females?
Females do.
Look at it this way: Think about when your ear itches and you scratch it with your finger. When you pull your finger out, what feels better, your finger or your ear?
Added: Tuesday 9th December 2008 06:00:01
DOG
What do you call a dog with a cold?
A germy shepherd.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 8th December 2008 12:00:02
ROCK STAR VS PIG
What's the difference between a rock star and a pig?
A pig won't stay up all night to screw a rock star.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 3rd December 2008 12:00:02
PC WOMEN SPEAK
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
She is not a babe or a chick;
She is a breasted person.
She is not a bleached blonde;
she is peroxide dependent.
She is not a bad cook;
she is microwave compatible.
She does not wear too much jewelry; she is metallically overburdened.
She is not conceited;
she is intimately aware of her best qualities.
She does not want to be married;
she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.
She does not gain weight;
she is a metabolic under-achiever.
She is not a screamer or a moaner; she is vocally appreciative.
She is not easy;
she is horizontally accessible.
She does not tease or flirt;
she engages in artificial stimulation.
She is not dumb;
she is a detour off the information super-highway.
She is not too skinny;
she is skeletally prominent.
She does not have a moustache;
she is in touch with her masculine side.
She has not been around;
she is a previously enjoyed companion.
She does not wear too much perfume; she commits fragrance abuse.
She does not get you excited;
she causes temporary blood displacement.
She is not kinky;
she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.
She does not have a killer body;
she is terminally attractive.
She does not go shopping;
she is mall fluent.
She is not an airhead;
she is reality impaired.
She does not get drunk or tipsy;
she gets chemically inconvenienced.
She does not get fat or chubby;
she achieves maximum density.
She is not cold or frigid;
she is thermally inaccessible.
She is not horny;
she is sexually focused.
She does not wear too much make-up;
she has reached cosmetic saturation.
She does not have breast implants; she is gravity resistant.
She does not nag you;
she becomes verbally repetitive.
She is not a slut;
she is sexually extroverted.
She is not loose;
she is morally impaired.
She does not have major league hooters;
she is pectorally superior.
She does not have thin lips;
she is collagen depleted.
Added: Tuesday 2nd December 2008 12:00:02
JACKSON VS GREYHOUND
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Added: Sunday 30th November 2008 00:00:01
CURRENT AFFAIRS
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 26th November 2008 06:00:02
YO MOMMA U-G-L-Y!
You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!
Added: Monday 24th November 2008 18:00:02
STRESSED
"Doctor, please help me. I'm so stressed," says the patient. "I keep losing my temper."
"Tell me about your problem," says the doctor.
To which the patient replies, "I just did, jackass!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 14th November 2008 00:00:01
CAT FOOD!
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Added: Thursday 13th November 2008 18:00:03
LIGHTBULB
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, a man will screw anything.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 13th November 2008 06:00:01
PIGMY RAPIST
What do you call a pigmy rapist?
A little fucker about 3 feet tall!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 12th November 2008 06:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 09
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Added: Saturday 8th November 2008 12:00:01
GYNECOLOGIST VISIT
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Added: Thursday 6th November 2008 06:00:01
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Added: Wednesday 5th November 2008 06:00:01
FOREST RANGERS
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Added: Monday 3rd November 2008 12:00:02
STEVEN WRIGHT 25
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Added: Sunday 2nd November 2008 18:00:01
LIKE THE SEA
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 1st November 2008 06:00:01
RAGGEDY ANN
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Added: Friday 31st October 2008 12:00:01
CHILDREN'S PARTIES
The main purpose of holding children's parties, is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Added: Wednesday 29th October 2008 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 45
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
Added: Wednesday 29th October 2008 00:00:01
IT'S IN THE GENES
How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
Pull down it's GENES!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Added: Sunday 26th October 2008 12:00:01
NEWS HEADLINES 05
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Added: Friday 24th October 2008 18:00:02
MEN WHISTLING
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Added: Monday 20th October 2008 18:00:01
MD
You can tell you're getting old when all the names in your little black book end in MD!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 20th October 2008 06:00:03
SEX LIKE AIR
How is sex like air?
It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Added: Thursday 16th October 2008 18:00:01
FLYING CONDOM
Why did the condom fly across the room
It got pissed off!
Added: Wednesday 15th October 2008 18:00:01
CHINS
Why do women have chins?
For men to rest their balls on.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 15th October 2008 12:00:02
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 13th October 2008 00:00:01
SNOW WHITE
Why did the seven dwarfs use Daz?
They wanted their little things to come up snow white!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 6th October 2008 06:00:02
GYNECOLOGIST
Did you hear about the gynecologist who left his profession because he could never see eye to eye with his patients?
Added: Sunday 5th October 2008 18:00:02
PAIN IN THE NECK
Why didn't they invite the giraffe to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Added: Monday 29th September 2008 18:00:01
DEEPTHROAT
Deep Throat has gone public.
Yup, Paris Hilton's getting married."
-Jay Leno
Added: Monday 29th September 2008 09:30:53
THE MUFFIN JOKE
Two muffins are in a toaster oven, first muffin says: "Boy, its hot in here" second muffin says, "I don't believe it, a talking muffin!"
Added: Saturday 27th September 2008 06:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 07
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . . .
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Added: Wednesday 24th September 2008 12:00:02
DRUNKEN DONUT II
A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 20th September 2008 00:00:02
WHAT DO YOU GET?
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.
Added: Saturday 13th September 2008 12:00:02
SCENIC
What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
The Scenic Route.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 13th September 2008 06:00:01
HOSTAGE
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 9th September 2008 12:00:01
BARBIES FRIENDS?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Added: Tuesday 9th September 2008 06:00:01
NO LIGHTS?
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 4th September 2008 18:00:01
NEWS HEADLINES 04
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Added: Wednesday 27th August 2008 18:00:02
BEER THROUGH YOU
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Added: Thursday 21st August 2008 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 20
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Dare to be average.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
Added: Monday 18th August 2008 06:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 15
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
Added: Sunday 17th August 2008 12:00:01
DEEP THOUGHTS 17
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Added: Saturday 16th August 2008 06:00:02
CROSS THE ATLANTIC
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
Added: Wednesday 13th August 2008 18:00:01
TURKEY IN THE BAND
Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!
Added: Monday 11th August 2008 06:00:02
SEX
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 8th August 2008 00:00:01
WAREHOUSE
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 7th August 2008 06:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 60
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
Added: Wednesday 6th August 2008 12:00:01
BIG PENIS
What do you call a bodybuilder with a big penis?
Beginner.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 4th August 2008 18:00:01
TWO HOLES
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Added: Wednesday 30th July 2008 12:00:01
BARKING MAD
When you pat a dog on its head, it will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
Make him bark!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and yisman
Added: Wednesday 30th July 2008 00:00:01
OLD WEST
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar in the old west. He slides up to the bar and says :
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 27th July 2008 18:00:01
MICHAEL'S CHILD
Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Added: Friday 25th July 2008 12:00:01
CORDUROY PILLOWS
Buy corduroy pillows, they're making headlines!
Added: Monday 21st July 2008 00:00:01
PARENTS
What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?
Parents.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 19th July 2008 00:00:01
WOMENS PANTIES
Know what to call the stuff that collects in the crotch of a woman's panties?
Clitty litter.
Added: Friday 18th July 2008 06:00:01
MIRACLE WHIP
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 16th July 2008 00:00:01
INSULTS 4
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.
She thinks the rear-view mirror is for putting on make-up.
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid across the country.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 10th July 2008 18:00:01
BLAME SOMEONE ELSE
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Added: Tuesday 8th July 2008 12:00:01
JOURNALISM DEGREE
What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?
A doctor-it degree.
Added: Tuesday 8th July 2008 06:00:01
NBC
What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?
He put it on.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 6th July 2008 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 77
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
Added: Friday 4th July 2008 06:00:01
DEEP THOUGHTS 08
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
Added: Tuesday 1st July 2008 00:00:01
SHOOT IT
How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
Added: Saturday 28th June 2008 00:00:01
MISPLACED HAND
I often get into trouble because I misplace things.
Like the last time I was in a bar, I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl's knee.
Added: Friday 27th June 2008 18:00:01
ROVER
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts "Rover!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 27th June 2008 06:00:03
WHY ASK WHY 01
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Added: Wednesday 25th June 2008 06:00:02
ASSORTED 1
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome,
the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.
What do you call a Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Added: Tuesday 24th June 2008 18:00:03
STICK IT OUT
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 23rd June 2008 18:00:02
SO HOT IN WASHINGTON
In fact, it was so hot in Washington, people were standing behind President Bush just to get the breeze from all the backpedaling.
Added: Saturday 21st June 2008 00:00:02
YOUR RIGHTS
Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!
Added: Thursday 19th June 2008 00:00:02
MARRIAGE QUOTES 09
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
Added: Wednesday 18th June 2008 12:00:07
WHALE WATCHING
Yo mamma is so big. The people that live near her put up signs "Free Whale Watching!"
Added: Monday 16th June 2008 18:00:02
SEX IS LIKE BRIDGE
Good sex is like good Bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Added: Thursday 12th June 2008 06:00:02
HUNG
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 11th June 2008 00:00:02
LINES MEN USE
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute."
"What am I, a microwave!?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 8th June 2008 12:00:03
ROBERT SCHMIDT 10
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another.
She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
Added: Tuesday 3rd June 2008 18:00:02
DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 29th May 2008 06:00:02
CHEAP HOOKER
What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.
Added: Wednesday 28th May 2008 00:00:02
SNOWBALLS
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 17th May 2008 06:00:02
TWO UNCLES
What has four balls and eats aunts?
Two Uncles
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 12th May 2008 12:00:03
YO MAMAS SO UGLY
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born they put her in an incubator with tinted windows!!!!!!!
Added: Friday 9th May 2008 18:00:01
PAY EXTRA
I told my psychologist that nobody understands me.
Now I have to pay him extra for an interpreter.
Added: Monday 5th May 2008 18:00:02
FOUR LEGS & ONE ARM
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 4th May 2008 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 01
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Added: Saturday 3rd May 2008 00:00:03
HANCOCK-A-DOODLE-DOO
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
Added: Wednesday 30th April 2008 06:00:03
PREGNANT
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King didn't cover his 'Whopper'.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 28th April 2008 18:00:03
EASY PICK UP
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 27th April 2008 00:00:02
BED BATH AND BEYOND
I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section.
When someone asks me where is the Bath section I say 'It's Beyond Me.
-Jay London
Added: Thursday 24th April 2008 06:00:03
NASTY WOMEN?
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
Added: Thursday 17th April 2008 18:00:01
PARTIALLY NUDE MODEL
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
-Jay London
Added: Saturday 12th April 2008 06:00:02
NEWS HEADLINES 03
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Added: Thursday 10th April 2008 12:00:02
BAD PICKUP LINE
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
Added: Wednesday 9th April 2008 00:00:02
MUSHROOMS
What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom when he asked her out and she said no?
Why not? I'm a fungi!
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 8th April 2008 00:00:02
BUNNY BALLS
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 1st April 2008 18:00:02
PANTIES ON BACKWARDS
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.
Added: Thursday 27th March 2008 00:00:01
YO' MOMMAS FAT
Ya momma's so fat I have to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side
Added: Saturday 22nd March 2008 06:00:02
PEEPING-TOM
Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
Added: Tuesday 18th March 2008 06:00:01
4 POTATOES
Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Added: Thursday 13th March 2008 12:00:04
MICHAEL BOLTON
It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly.
After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys too.
-Conan O'Brien
Added: Friday 7th March 2008 06:00:02
I GET NO RESPECT 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
Added: Monday 3rd March 2008 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 63
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
Added: Monday 3rd March 2008 00:00:01
PRESERVATION SOCIETY
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison lightbulb so it'll be aesthetically accurate.
Added: Tuesday 26th February 2008 18:00:02
ABSTRACT
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 21st February 2008 00:00:03
HOT KISS
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 20th February 2008 06:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 01
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Added: Wednesday 20th February 2008 00:00:01
MILITARY
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 15th February 2008 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 36
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Added: Tuesday 12th February 2008 00:00:02
SILENCE
What's the best thing about a blow job?
The 15 minutes of silence!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 2nd February 2008 12:00:01
DELIVERY
Did you hear about Michael Jackson?
He thought Boyz II Men was a delivery service.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 2nd February 2008 06:00:01
FUNNIEST ONE LINERS
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Added: Friday 1st February 2008 18:00:03
SUPPORT
What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 30th January 2008 00:00:02
STOP SNORING
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 29th January 2008 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 28
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Added: Thursday 24th January 2008 18:00:01
IMPOTENCE
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Added: Thursday 24th January 2008 00:00:02
FIRE HYDRANT
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside ?
A: K9P.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 21st January 2008 00:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 02
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
Added: Saturday 19th January 2008 06:00:02
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
My philosophy of life is very simple:
When everything looks it's darkest, it's time to turn on the lights.
Added: Saturday 19th January 2008 00:00:03
POINT AND LAUGH
What are two things you should never do in bed?
Point and Laugh!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 12th January 2008 12:00:02
SALESMAN
Is this guy a salesman?
He could sign Paris Hilton up for a dating service.
Added: Saturday 12th January 2008 06:00:02
WHY ASK WHY 03
How did a fool and his money get together?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Added: Sunday 6th January 2008 12:00:02
MAKING HER SCREAM
How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 30th December 2007 12:00:02
MALE CHAUVINIST
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.
What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do as she's told.
Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.
What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
Added: Friday 28th December 2007 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 41
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.
Added: Thursday 27th December 2007 12:00:03
MICHAEL VISITS MALL
Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
Added: Wednesday 26th December 2007 18:00:02
FIFTY-FIFTY
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 24th December 2007 18:00:02
ADOPTION
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 24th December 2007 06:00:03
NOT CHEAP
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week!
Added: Sunday 23rd December 2007 00:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 64
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Added: Saturday 22nd December 2007 00:00:02
PSYCHICS
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
Added: Wednesday 19th December 2007 18:00:02
ROBERT SCHMIDT 03
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Added: Saturday 15th December 2007 06:00:02
POCKETS WITH HOLES
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 13th December 2007 00:00:02
DEEP THOUGHTS 15
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
Added: Saturday 8th December 2007 06:00:02
SILENCE
Q. Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A. 15 minutes of silence.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 4th December 2007 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 38
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.
Added: Friday 30th November 2007 12:00:02
WHY ASK WHY 05
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Added: Tuesday 27th November 2007 18:00:03
EVERYONE JOINS IN
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 27th November 2007 06:00:02
ARIZONA
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
- You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.
- You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
- You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
- You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.
- You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
- You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
- You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.
- You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
- You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.
- You can make sun tea instantly.
- You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
- You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
- Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
- You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San
Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
Tlaquepaque".
- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.
- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
- You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."
Added: Tuesday 27th November 2007 00:00:02
END OF THE EARTH
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 23rd November 2007 00:00:03
GRAND
Marriage is grand.
Divorce is about 10 grand.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 20th November 2007 06:00:02
JACKSON & HOMEWORK
Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
Added: Monday 19th November 2007 06:00:02
COMING OR GOING
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 11th November 2007 18:00:02
IRISH SPIDER?
What do you call a big Irish spider?
Paddy-long-legs.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 4th November 2007 06:00:02
DEJA MOO
Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Added: Wednesday 31st October 2007 06:00:02
ASTRONAUT
What do you call a man who doesn't cheat on his wife when he is away on business?
An astronaut!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 29th October 2007 18:00:03
THE FIRST YEARS
Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling
them to sit down and be quiet.
Added: Monday 29th October 2007 12:00:02
SHOT IN THE WOODS
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Added: Sunday 28th October 2007 00:00:01
DEEP THOUGHTS 06
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.
Added: Saturday 27th October 2007 12:00:02
CLUB HOPPING
What happened when the prawn went club-hopping?
He pulled a mussel!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 26th October 2007 00:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 07
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Added: Wednesday 17th October 2007 18:00:02
SNOW BLOWER
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 16th October 2007 18:00:03
PLAYBOY SPECIAL
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 11th October 2007 12:00:02
WAS IT GOOD?
After making love, I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
She said "I don't think this was good for anybody!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 11th October 2007 00:00:02
DISCO
Why did the skeleton go to the disco?
He heard it was a hip joint.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 7th October 2007 18:00:04
MINE-SNIFFING DOGS
The Army announced this week they are now training mine-sniffing dogs to go to Iraq.
How bad do you have to screw up at obedience school to get that job?
-Jay Leno
Added: Sunday 7th October 2007 00:00:04
VIOLIN VS VIOLA
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Added: Saturday 6th October 2007 00:00:04
LIBERTY BELL
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Added: Thursday 4th October 2007 12:00:02
A BLONDE LAUGHING
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell them a joke on Wednesday!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 1st October 2007 18:00:04
REPLACEMENT
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Added: Saturday 29th September 2007 12:00:02
AUTOPSIES
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 29th September 2007 00:00:02
MICHAEL JACKSON
What has Action Man got in common with Michael Jackson?
Both are white, made of plastic and have small parts that could choke young children!
Submitted by Carly
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 25th September 2007 00:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 21
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
Added: Monday 24th September 2007 18:00:02
ASTROLOGY
I don't believe in astrology...
I'm a Sagittarian and we're
skeptical.
- Charles Schultz
Added: Sunday 23rd September 2007 12:00:02
LOST IN THE WOODS
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:
an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Added: Friday 21st September 2007 18:00:02
STEVEN WRIGHT 04
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
Added: Tuesday 18th September 2007 18:00:02
DISNEY...
Snow White saw Pinocchio through the woods, so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me! Lie to me!'
And Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy?'
Mickey replied, 'No I didn't. I said she is f***ing Goofy.'
Added: Tuesday 18th September 2007 00:00:02
PIG IN SUMMER
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
"I'm bacon!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 16th September 2007 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 78
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.
It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.
It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.
It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
Added: Friday 14th September 2007 06:00:02
COCKROACHES
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training...
I set off a roach bomb... they diffused it!
-Jay London
Added: Thursday 13th September 2007 18:00:03
FRIGID
How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.
Added: Sunday 9th September 2007 06:00:02
NATURAL TALENTS
I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
Added: Tuesday 4th September 2007 18:00:04
HEAD NURSE
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 4th September 2007 12:00:01
WHAT HAPPENS?
What happens when you throw a green rock in the Red Sea?
It gets wet.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 2nd September 2007 00:00:02
OUCH
Three men walked into a bar...
Ouch!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 1st September 2007 12:00:01
RUBBED THE WRONG WAY
I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Added: Wednesday 15th August 2007 18:00:09
MOPEDS
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one.
Added: Tuesday 14th August 2007 00:00:01
EAT WITH THE STARS
What a rip-off! Once I ate in a Hollywood restaurant that had a big sign outside' "EAT WITH THE STARS."
Turns out the restaurant was a converted planetarium.
Added: Monday 13th August 2007 06:00:02
SO OLD
Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired!
Added: Friday 10th August 2007 06:00:01
COVER
What did the Bra say to the Hat?
"I'll cover these two, while you go on ahead."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 8th August 2007 18:00:02
BINGO
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 8th August 2007 00:00:02
PSYCHOTIC, NEUROTIC
What's the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic?
A psychotic doesn't believe that 2 + 2 = 4.
A neurotic knows it's true, but it bothers him.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 7th August 2007 18:00:01
DRUM AND A CYMBAL
A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree.
Ba dum dum CHING!
Added: Tuesday 31st July 2007 12:00:02
ROBERT SCHMIDT 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Added: Sunday 29th July 2007 18:00:02
EROTIC SEX
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
Added: Sunday 29th July 2007 06:00:01
PARSLEY
How are pubic hairs like parsley?
You push them aside before you eat.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 28th July 2007 12:00:02
SPARK
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 23rd July 2007 00:00:01
MONEY ISN'T ...
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Added: Monday 16th July 2007 00:00:01
PENGUIN
What's grey?
A melted penguin.
Added: Saturday 14th July 2007 12:00:02
MICHAEL IS GUILTY
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Added: Saturday 14th July 2007 06:00:02
WANDERING MIND
Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
It's too little to be out alone.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 14th July 2007 00:00:01
3 KINDS OF PEOPLE
There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't.
Added: Wednesday 4th July 2007 00:00:01
LUCKY DOGS
Why do dogs put their noses in women's crotches?
Because they can.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 2nd July 2007 00:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 18
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
Added: Sunday 1st July 2007 00:00:02
SKYJACKING
What's the definition of skyjacking?
A hand job at 32,000 feet.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 25th June 2007 00:00:02
NOT GETTING ANY
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 23rd June 2007 18:00:05
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We have more rain than you do
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Added: Tuesday 19th June 2007 18:00:03
CHEERLEADERS
Why does the University of Missouris football field have artificial grass?
So the cheerleaders wont graze at halftime.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 19th June 2007 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 32
Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)
Self starters...will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.
Added: Sunday 17th June 2007 12:00:31
TOFU AND DILDOS
What do tofu and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes!
Added: Friday 15th June 2007 12:00:03
WITCHES ON BROOMS
Q. Why dont witches wear underwear?
A. To get a better grip on the broom!
Added: Thursday 14th June 2007 12:00:10
STEVEN WRIGHT 19
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Added: Tuesday 12th June 2007 12:00:05
PISSED OFF
Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because he was pissed off!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 10th June 2007 00:00:02
EGOTISTS
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Added: Monday 4th June 2007 18:00:04
CHARLES MANSON
Charles Manson has released a statement from prison on hearing Jackson was acquitted, "Thank God we won't be in the same cell together, that guy is nuts."
Added: Friday 1st June 2007 12:00:01
PROTECTION
What is a man's idea of protected sex?
A padded headboard.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 30th May 2007 06:00:02
SADDAM'S TRIAL
This just in…Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Santa Maria, California.
Added: Tuesday 29th May 2007 06:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 13
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash
Added: Thursday 24th May 2007 12:00:03
BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS
Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.
Added: Wednesday 23rd May 2007 06:00:02
2 LETTERS
Q. What three words that have only two letters each define a small penis?
A. Is it in?
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, yisman and Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 19th May 2007 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 25
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Added: Monday 7th May 2007 06:00:02
MARRIAGE QUOTES 12
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
Added: Wednesday 2nd May 2007 00:00:02
TUPPERWARE
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They like a tight seal.
Added: Tuesday 24th April 2007 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 04
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
Added: Sunday 22nd April 2007 00:00:03
SATISFIED CUSTOMERS
I love those ads that say: 50,000 satisfied customers can't be wrong.
Maybe, but they sure can be stupid.
Added: Saturday 21st April 2007 18:00:03
DIVORCE
"Ah, yes, divorce...,
From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 20th April 2007 12:00:10
ROBERT SCHMIDT 01
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Added: Thursday 19th April 2007 00:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 19
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Added: Saturday 14th April 2007 18:00:05
ATHEIST PROBLEM
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
Added: Monday 9th April 2007 12:00:02
OPPORTUNITY
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
-Jay London
Added: Thursday 5th April 2007 12:00:02
BULL-DOZER
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 12:00:02
HOLD IT IN
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd April 2007 06:00:04
MIDGET
What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
A little fucker about so tall.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd April 2007 00:00:02
CANDY FROM A BABY
Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Added: Sunday 1st April 2007 12:00:01
FOUND IN UNDERPANTS
Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson
Added: Sunday 1st April 2007 06:00:02
SWALLOW
If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby what brings nothing?
A swallow.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 30th March 2007 18:00:04
STEVEN WRIGHT 03
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
Added: Thursday 29th March 2007 18:00:01
ROBERT SCHMIDT 04
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Added: Wednesday 28th March 2007 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 30
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.
Added: Tuesday 27th March 2007 12:00:05
RICH IS BETTER
I've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!
Added: Saturday 24th March 2007 06:00:05
ANT FALLS OFF TOILET
Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
He got pissed off.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Wednesday 21st March 2007 00:00:02
ITS A WAIST?
Why is the space between a women's tits and hips called a waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits there.
Added: Sunday 18th March 2007 06:00:03
A REAL MASOCHIST
A real masochist is someone who believes in voodoo and sticks pins in a mirror.
Added: Tuesday 13th March 2007 06:00:02
BOWLEGGED
Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 5th March 2007 12:00:03
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 79
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
Added: Sunday 4th March 2007 12:00:03
ENTERPRISE
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus (your anus) in search of Klingons (cling-ons).
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 3rd March 2007 00:00:02
CHANGE MACHINE
I came up with a great way to never lose money when I go to Las Vegas...
I keep playing the change machine!
Added: Thursday 1st March 2007 00:00:02
WOMEN VS CONDOMS
What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!
Submitted by TigersAngel6987
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 25th February 2007 06:00:02
MASS MURDERER
Frankly, I didn’t know my neighbor was a mass ax murderer, until I heard he received a three month suspended sentence.
Added: Saturday 24th February 2007 12:00:02
I GET NO RESPECT 03
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."
"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
Added: Tuesday 20th February 2007 12:00:04
STEVEN WRIGHT 27
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Added: Saturday 17th February 2007 06:00:01
WHORE HOUSE
What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day?
We're Closed, Beat It!
Added: Friday 16th February 2007 18:00:02
DEEP THOUGHTS 01
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Added: Friday 9th February 2007 18:00:02
IMPRESSIONIST
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist... she did everybody else!
-Jay London
Added: Thursday 8th February 2007 18:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 66
If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it!
If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
Added: Monday 5th February 2007 00:00:02
RUBICK'S CUBE
What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
Added: Thursday 1st February 2007 12:00:02
GOOD GIRL
What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
Added: Tuesday 30th January 2007 07:05:48
GENETIC MANIPULATION
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Drumsticks for everybody!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 27th January 2007 13:05:43
FLOWER SHOP
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Added: Friday 26th January 2007 01:05:39
WHISTLE
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 25th January 2007 07:05:43
FUNNY THOUGHTS
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Added: Monday 22nd January 2007 00:00:02
HER ASSHOLE
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
Sends him to work.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 21st January 2007 06:00:03
BOBBITT DIFFERENCES
What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt?
She's crazy and he's just nuts!
Added: Saturday 20th January 2007 12:00:04
WHY ASK WHY 04
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Added: Saturday 20th January 2007 06:00:02
TAX DEDUCTION
Q: Are birth control pills tax deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 15th January 2007 18:00:03
CALLING THE DOG
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 13th January 2007 12:00:08
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 47
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
Added: Saturday 13th January 2007 06:00:04
BINGO
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
Added: Friday 12th January 2007 00:00:02
MORALITY
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Added: Thursday 11th January 2007 18:00:02
MARRIAGE QUOTES 06
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
Added: Wednesday 10th January 2007 06:00:02
STEVEN WRIGHT 22
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Added: Saturday 6th January 2007 00:00:02
PALM OF YOUR HAND
What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 2nd January 2007 06:00:02
ONE INCH PENIS
What do you call a guy with a one inch penis?
Justin.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 1st January 2007 00:00:03
SADDAM & FRED
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both use to look out their windows and see Rubble.
Added: Sunday 31st December 2006 12:00:02
TAXI DRIVER
Why did the taxi driver give up his job?
Because people kept talking behind his back.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 30th December 2006 18:00:02
GOSSIP
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Added: Wednesday 27th December 2006 18:00:02
BAR VS G-SPOT
What's the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 25th December 2006 06:00:02
RUMOR
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 13th December 2006 06:00:02
DEEP THOUGHTS 03
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri thought back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning", he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest, and groinal area.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
Added: Tuesday 12th December 2006 12:00:02
GOOD TO BE A MAN
Reasons it's good to be a man
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
The National College Cheer leading Championship.
If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
You can be President.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Same work... more pay.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't cry off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
There is always a game on somewhere.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'
Baywatch.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
All your orgasms are real.
Added: Saturday 9th December 2006 18:00:02
BREED
What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?
Bullshit.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 6th December 2006 00:00:04
DEEP THOUGHTS 02
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents.
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?
Added: Sunday 3rd December 2006 12:00:02
EXERCISE CLASS
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I had any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Added: Saturday 2nd December 2006 12:00:02
MARRIAGE QUOTES 01
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Added: Saturday 2nd December 2006 00:00:05
A FATHERS WALLET
A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep his money when he was single.
Added: Thursday 23rd November 2006 06:00:02
ROBERT SCHMIDT 06
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Added: Thursday 16th November 2006 00:00:04
LIBRARY
Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library burnt down?
Both books were destroyed, and worse still one hadn't even been coloured in yet!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 15th November 2006 18:00:02
HOW DO YOU BREATHE
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through that thing?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 13th November 2006 12:00:02
ANOTHER CHICKEN JOKE
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in dirt, and then comes back?
A dirty double crosser.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 9th November 2006 18:00:02
SMOOTH
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christin
Added: Tuesday 7th November 2006 12:00:03
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 05
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
Added: Wednesday 25th October 2006 18:00:02
SPRAY PAINT
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 25th October 2006 12:00:02
INSENSITIVE
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
Man.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 24th October 2006 06:00:02
IMPOTENT LOSER
Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Added: Sunday 22nd October 2006 18:00:02
DEEP THOUGHTS 09
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."
Added: Wednesday 18th October 2006 18:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 31
Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language.
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.
Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.
Real programmers print only clean compiles.
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Added: Tuesday 17th October 2006 18:00:03
IMPOTENT LOSER
Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Added: Wednesday 11th October 2006 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 72
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
Added: Tuesday 3rd October 2006 06:00:02
LACTOSE INTOLERANT
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese!
-Jay London
Added: Wednesday 27th September 2006 06:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 48
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Added: Tuesday 26th September 2006 12:00:03
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 24
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Error is often more earnest than truth.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Added: Monday 18th September 2006 06:00:02
PILOTS WITH V.D.
How did the entire squadron of Navy pilots get V.D.?
They all made landings on the same carrier.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tanatilazing
Added: Sunday 17th September 2006 18:00:02
SO HOT!
It was so hot that Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!
Added: Friday 15th September 2006 12:00:02
WHAT TO DO?
What do you do when you see a man running in circles?
Re-load and keep firing!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 10th September 2006 12:00:02
INSULTS 3
People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.
People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect
but you are doing all right.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 8th September 2006 06:00:02
DEEP THOUGHTS 11
It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
Added: Monday 4th September 2006 06:00:02
GRIP
Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: So they can get a better grip on their brooms!
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Monday 4th September 2006 00:00:05
CHOLESTEROL
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Added: Wednesday 30th August 2006 00:00:06
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 65
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Added: Monday 28th August 2006 12:00:02
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 61
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think...therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
Added: Sunday 27th August 2006 06:00:02
EQUAL AT WORK
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 25th August 2006 18:00:02
CAREER
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 24th August 2006 12:00:02
ANAL VS ORAL
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 23rd August 2006 18:00:02
I GET NO RESPECT 06
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
Added: Tuesday 22nd August 2006 18:00:03
DOPELAR EFFECT
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Added: Friday 18th August 2006 18:00:02
CHICKEN OR THE EGG
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
I'd have to say it was the rooster!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 16th August 2006 18:00:03
SEX CRIME
Did you know Sex is a crime?
It's a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 11th August 2006 18:00:04
GIRAFFES COLLIDE
What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.
Added: Monday 7th August 2006 12:00:02
PREDICTIONS
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
Added: Sunday 6th August 2006 06:00:02
WHAT A MESS!
Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 4th August 2006 00:00:05
WORRY
Whats the difference between worry and panic?
About 28 days.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 31st July 2006 18:00:03
FROG OR TOAD?
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says ribbit, ribbit, the other one says rub it, rub it!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 31st July 2006 12:00:02
WORTHLESS
Why is a degree like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it's worthless the next day!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 30th July 2006 06:00:03
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 71
If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Added: Saturday 29th July 2006 18:00:02
AIR POLLUTION
Air pollution is when your city is hit by a blizzard, and three weeks later, the snow still hasn't fallen to the ground.
Added: Sunday 23rd July 2006 18:00:07
YANKEE
Do you know what a Yankee is?
Same as a quickie, except you're by yourself
Added: Sunday 23rd July 2006 06:00:12
ACCOUNTANT
What does an accountant do when he gets constipated?
He works it out with a pencil.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 20th July 2006 11:48:50
DEEP THOUGHTS 07
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Added: Thursday 20th July 2006 05:48:54
THE HEIGHT OF...
Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.
Added: Sunday 16th July 2006 11:49:45
STEVEN WRIGHT 21
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Added: Thursday 13th July 2006 17:50:17
2 POUNDS
How do you make two pounds of fat better?
Add a nipple.
Added: Thursday 13th July 2006 11:50:22
NUTS
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a buck-fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 12th July 2006 23:50:25
WHY IT'S CALLED SEX?
Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!
Added: Friday 7th July 2006 17:51:39
CRABS
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
-Jay London
Added: Thursday 6th July 2006 23:51:43
BAD BREATH
Your breath's so stinky, I don't know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilet paper!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 6th July 2006 17:51:49
MID-LIFE CRISIS
Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 6th July 2006 11:51:49
NEWS HEADLINES 01
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Added: Monday 26th June 2006 17:54:09
E.T. IS SHORT FOR?
Question: What's E.T. short for?
Answer: Because he has little legs!
Added: Saturday 24th June 2006 11:54:37
FOX TO A COW
How do you turn a "fox" into a "cow"?
Marry her!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 21st June 2006 00:57:11
20 FT LONG
What's twenty feet long and smells like urine?
A crowd of old people line dancing.
Added: Friday 9th June 2006 18:14:26
GREAT BLOW JOB
How do you know when you've been given a great blow job?
You have to pull the bed sheets out of your ass.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 9th June 2006 06:14:26
DEEP THOUGHTS 14
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--something like that.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
Added: Wednesday 7th June 2006 18:14:25
MODELING
I tried runway modeling once.
Boy was that a disaster... they won't let me in that airport ever again!
Added: Wednesday 7th June 2006 12:14:25
THE ETERNAL QUESTION
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Only if he is silly enough to repeat what he just said!
Added: Monday 5th June 2006 06:14:24
MUSICIANS
How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, two... one, two, three, four!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 5th June 2006 00:14:22
DOCTORS VISIT
DOCTOR: Don't worry you'll live to be eighty.
PATIENT: It's my eightieth birthdday tomorrow.
DOCTOR: There. What did I tell you?
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 2nd June 2006 06:14:21
FLY TRAP
What's another name for a zipper?
A penis fly trap.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 28th May 2006 00:14:18
SUCKER!
Why did god give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 25th May 2006 06:14:15
ROBERT SCHMIDT 11
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.
Added: Wednesday 24th May 2006 18:14:15
WHY ASK WHY 06
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Added: Saturday 20th May 2006 11:52:19
POKER
What do vampires play poker for?
High stakes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 12th May 2006 23:52:13
ONE FOR THE BOYS
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you've let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent - wedding cake.
Added: Thursday 11th May 2006 11:52:13
6 PACK
Why do women have two holes on the bottom?
So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a six-pack.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 7th May 2006 23:52:10
GROCERY BAG
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Added: Sunday 7th May 2006 17:52:10
EXCHANGE
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 6th May 2006 11:52:09
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 49
Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson
Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Added: Saturday 6th May 2006 05:52:09
TREE OR BUSH
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 5th May 2006 23:52:08
WOMENS T'S
Slogans for women's T-shirts:
I'm out of estrogen - I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: six minutes.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.
Added: Wednesday 3rd May 2006 17:51:22
BOX
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis "comes" in.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 2nd May 2006 23:52:06
MOTHER IN LAW
John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom.
"Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 2nd May 2006 17:52:06
STEVEN WRIGHT 06
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Added:
STEVEN WRIGHT 08
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Added:
STEVEN WRIGHT 10
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
Added:
STEVEN WRIGHT 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Added:
STEVEN WRIGHT 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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STEVEN WRIGHT 14
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
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STEVEN WRIGHT 24
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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ROBERT SCHMIDT 05
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
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ROBERT SCHMIDT 08
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
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ROBERT SCHMIDT 12
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."
"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.
My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...
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DEEP THOUGHTS 04
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
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DEEP THOUGHTS 12
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
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DEEP THOUGHTS 13
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.
You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
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DEEP THOUGHTS 16
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,
I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
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WHY ASK WHY 02
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 03
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 06
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 08
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 09
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 12
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 17
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 23
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 26
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 27
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 29
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 34
Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 39
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 40
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 43
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 44
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 55
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Extremes meet.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 56
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 57
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 62
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 67
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 70
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 74
If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
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BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 75
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Added:
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 80
It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.
Added:
MARRIAGE QUOTES 07
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Added:
MARRIAGE QUOTES 11
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Added:
TOO MUCH COFFEE
a.. You answer the door before people knock.
b.. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
c.. You ski uphill.
d.. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
e.. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
f.. You lick your coffeepot clean.
g.. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
don't even work there.
h.. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
i.. You chew on other people's fingernails.
j.. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
k.. You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
l.. You can jump-start your car without cables.
m.. All your kids are named "Joe".
n.. You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
o.. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
p.. You don't sweat, you percolate.
q.. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
r.. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
s.. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
t.. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not
plugged in.
u.. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
v.. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.
w.. People get dizzy just watching you.
x.. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
y.. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
z.. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
aa.. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
ab.. Instant coffee takes too long.
ac.. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
ad.. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in
a coffee can.
ae.. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
af.. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
ag.. You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
ah.. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
ai.. You short out motion detectors.
aj.. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
ak.. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
al.. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
am.. You don't tan, you roast.
an.. You can't even remember your second cup.
ao.. You help your dog chase its tail.
Added:
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster that an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry
and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...
Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional
athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportional as
compared to people with normal jobs...
Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they
want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...
Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items,
like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...
Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process
so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking
creatures...
Added:
HOLIDAY INN
Jesus walks into a Holiday Inn, tosses three nails on the counter and says can put me up for the night?
Added:
YOUR RIGHTS
Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!
Added:
BLIND GUY
Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Added:
LULLABUOY
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Added:
PALE AND SCARES KIDS
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Added:
DREAMING IN COLOR
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Added:
IN AN ELEVATOR...
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'
Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Added:
WAL-MART
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Added:
GROCERY BAG
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added:
CHILDREN MISQUOTING
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Added:
AS SEEN ON BUMPERS
* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
* "All generalizations are false."
* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."
* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"
* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Added:
LESBAIN N MECHANIC
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
Snap-on tools!
Added:
PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don't have film.
Added:
LIGHT AND HARD
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
FUNNY THOUGHTS
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Added:
THOROUGHBRED OR NAG?
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
Added:
BO DEREK
What is 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
Added:
SAD LIFE
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
WALLET
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
ACTIVISTS
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
BINGO SIGN
How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
Put up a Bingo sign.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
LICE ON A BALD MAN
What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
Homeless.
Added:
WARM SATISFACTION
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A tea bag.
Added:
TRUST
What do you call two cannibals having oral sex?
Trust.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
JFK JNR
Why didn't JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?
He said he'd wash up on shore.
Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is 'Your luggage will arrive before you do!'
What do Kennedy's miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.
How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.
How are the Kennedys like oil?
They don't mix well with water.
Why aren't there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just haven't surfaced yet.
Added:
BERMUDA TRIANGLE
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They have both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added:
YO MAMMA SO UGLY
Yo mamma is so ugly, two rapist broke into her house.
She screamed "RAPE!!!" They yelled "NO!!!" and ran out the door
Added:
CHILDBIRTH
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Added:
HARDWARE STORE
Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!
Added:
IMPORTANT
Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
Because men can see better than the they can think.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added:
WOMENS BREASTS
What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with
Added:
BUYING ARSENIC
A pharmacist tells a customer. In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
Added:
MAKING BEER
How do frogs make beer?
Like everybody else. They start with some hops...
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
CAT AND RABBIT
What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?
A pussy hare.
Added:
CATS AND TOAST
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Added:
WELL-READ
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Added:
OPEN MIND
I use to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Added:
THE SAME BOSS
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Added:
PENIS VS PRICK
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.
Submitted by
Edited by
Added:
COBRA
What do a cobra and a two inch cock have in common?
Nobody wants to fuck with either of them.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added:
COW PIES & COWGIRLS
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Added:
LOOKING SEXY
What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
Her knees.
Added:
MOTHBALLS
Why do moths fly with their legs open ?
Have you seen the size of mothballs?!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
LONG, HARD...
What is long, hard, and filled with seamen?
A submarine.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
TEAR TO YOUR EYES
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and Tantilazing
Added:
LAID
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
ON THEIR FACES
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
HOMEMADE GIFTS
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you want?
Added:
SEX IS LIKE BRIDGE
Why is sex like bridge?
You either need a good partner or a good hand.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
JACKSON VS CASPER
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Added:
PARSLEY
What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
You have to move them both aside before you eat
Added:
LICKALOTAPUSS
What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
A lickalotapuss.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
MONO AND HERPES
Do you know the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono from snatching a kiss....
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
LONE RANGER
Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out... because the Lone Ranger discovered that "Kimosabee" actually means... "asshole!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
BILLY RAY
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
WHY FAKE ORGASMS?
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
IN COMMON
What do a hooker's client and a panda have in common?
He eats shoots and leaves.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
POTTERY MAKING
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Added:
NEW MUSTARD
There is a new mustard called, "Dijon vu", it's new but still tastes the same as before.
Added:
OLD ACADEMICS
Old Academics never die, they just lose their faculties.
Added:
BEELZEBUG
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Added:
IDIOT
Don't argue with an idiot!
People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Added:
IRAQI FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
Added:
SMALL BUSINESS DAY
Today is National Small Business Day.
It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses.
Added:
MID- LIFE CRISIS
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
Added:
GET OUT OF MY SUN!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Added:
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
MONOGAMY
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Added:
FEMALE ASTRONAUTS
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
MASTURBATING BULL
What do you call a bull that masturbates?
Beef Strokinoff.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
CAN I BE FRANK
What did Ellen Degeneres say to Kathy Lee?
Can I be Frank with you?
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
NOW HIRING
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
1-IRON
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
CURLY HAIR
Why is pubic hair curly?
You'd poke your eye out if it was straight.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added:
YO MAMMA'S SO FA
Yo Mamma's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Added:
LITTLE BEHIND
Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
Added:
2 SKUNKS
What do you call two skunks doing 69?
Odor Eaters.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
DEJA MOO
The unabashed dictionary defines 'deja moo' as the feeling you get when you've heard the same bullshit before.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
IRISH SHOE
Did you hear about the Irish shoe shop?
Buy 1 shoe and get the other 1 free!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
ONLY TWO?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Added:
LOW BLOW
What do you call a gay dwarf?
A low blow.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
BLENDERS
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
PEANUTS
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
WITHOUT AN ASSHOLE
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
LITTLE HOLES
Guns don't kill people, it's those little holes.
Added:
SHIFTLESS
My boss told me to get my butt in gear.
I told him I was shiftless.
-Jay London
Added:
VIEW
What is the only bad thing about the '69' position?
The view.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs?
"Depends."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added:
WORSE?
What's worse than lipstick on you collar?
Leg makeup on your ears.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
WINO EATING GRAPES
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
Added:
MAN'S INTELLIGENCE
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
CLINIC
Why does everyone want to work at the impotency clinic?
It's a soft job.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added:
GAY TERMITES
What do gay termites eat?
Wood Peckers.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
TWICE
Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violist's fingers?
A: They both never strike the same place twice.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
LAST ONE THERE...
What did one sperm say to the other?
"Last one there gets a rotten egg!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
RUN DOWN
Whats the best thing to take when you are run down?
The car number.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
FRIGID
How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
When you open her legs the lights go on.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
GRANTARTICA
Grantartica (n.)
The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Added:
MICHAEL GOT OFF
Michael got off. Of course a lot of people were incredibly happy about the verdict.
None of them children…
Added:
SEX POSITION
What sexual position do you use to have an ugly baby?
Ask your parents.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
INSULTS 2
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
damn.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added:
MASTURBATE?
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
POOH
Why did Tigger go searching in the restroom?
He was looking for Pooh!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by bluelagoon
Added:
SMELLY
Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish.
Poor sole!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added:
GARBAGE
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
SHOES
Q: If a crocodile makes shoes what does a banana make?
A: Slippers.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
BEAVER
Did you know Lorena Bobbit was related to a very famous person?
He was the kid who played "Beaver Cleaver."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Added:
FLATBUSH
What do control-top pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?
Flatbush.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added:
PERVERT & CHICKEN
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in the chicken.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added:
18 LEGS AND TWO TITS
Q: What has 18 legs and two tits?
A: The Supreme Court
Added:
DUMPED
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass and moved on.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added:
NUTS
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added:
PAY FOR PIZZA
Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added:
SPERM BANK
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample.
So the girl At the front desk says to him. " Thank you for coming."
Added:
FAT CAT
What do you call a cat who's swallowed a duck?
A duck-filled fatty puss!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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UNNATURAL ACT
The boss's idea of an unnatural act is giving someone a raise.
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DIVORCE
Did you hear that Santa is getting a divorce?
He got caught laying a doll under the tree last year.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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HELL'S ANGELS
Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and Tantilazing
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DADS SAY
Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was.
'Easy,' I answered. 'It's nine months before Mother's Day.'
If my son is getting half as much out of university as the university is getting out of me, he'll be a success.
Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a present that I couldn't afford.
I've got three TVs, cable and a satellite dish; I have three phone lines into the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax machine. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch the news on every channel every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's Day they just don't know which 'Father' to give it to.
Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
A friend of mine had five kids.
When the youngest finally turned 16 and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: check-out time is 18.
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IN ONE ROOM
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Clark Kent
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NEVER LOOK THERE
Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raleigh, N.C. in the Ford Bronco?
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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LASSIE'S FOOD
What's Lassie's favorite food?
Collie flour.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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FROGS CAR
What happend to the frog's car?
It got toad away.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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COLD HOUSE
Cold? Decorators have created a new interior decorating style, "modern igloo".
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AUSSIE KISS
What's an Australian kiss?
The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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VAMPIRE SNACKS
Why do vampires eat in transport cafes?
They can eat for necks to nothing in them.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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CLEANER UNHAPPY
Why was the cleaner unhappy with his job?
Because he believed that grime didn't pay!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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APPLE A DAY
An apple a day keeps the doctor away,
BUT...
an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
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HANDCUFFED
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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MAKIN' WAVES
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
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JACKSON & GLITTER
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
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PLAYING DOCTOR
When I was a kid, I never played doctor with the girl next door. I used to play comedian with the girl next door. It's just like doctor, but with a lot more fooling around.
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CAREFUL
How do porcupines make love?
Very carefully.
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Glaci
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EUTHANASIA
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia.
I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
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NASTY WOMEN?
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
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