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MEDICAL JOKES (updated Thursday 23rd May 2013 18:00:01 EDT)
THE AUTOMATED DOCTOR
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.
Added: Tuesday 30th August 2011 12:00:01
THE PRISON HOSPITAL
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 12:00:01
YOU'RE IN GREAT HEALTH
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Added: Thursday 11th August 2011 12:00:01
BE AN ORGAN DONOR
Here's one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!
Added: Tuesday 2nd August 2011 06:00:02
HOSPITAL CHARTS
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
Added: Tuesday 2nd August 2011 00:00:01
BAD TASTE
A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that
morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately
spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife
asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"
"Crab Paste." she says.
"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful
before. Where did you get it from?"
"The Pharmacy." she answers
Added: Monday 18th July 2011 00:00:01
MY SON SWALLOWED THE CAN OPENER
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
Added: Saturday 16th July 2011 06:00:01
DOCTOR TERMINOLOGY
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
Added: Monday 11th July 2011 00:00:01
UNUSUAL THERAPY
A doctor is walking down the hall of the hospital toward his
office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly
while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a
Psychotherapist, comes around the corner next and he asks him
about this.
"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down
the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."
"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."
"My God, is she?"
"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
Added: Sunday 10th July 2011 18:00:01
HUNDRED PERCENT
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Added: Friday 8th July 2011 00:00:01
COMPARING CHILDHOOD SURGERIES
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next
to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid
leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I
had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was
born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Added: Sunday 3rd July 2011 12:00:01
TAKE AS DIRECTED
A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so his
doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy
complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the
desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving
them up my ass?"
Added: Monday 27th June 2011 00:00:01
UNUSUAL DENTAL VISIT
Dentist to Patient: (begging) " Would you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right
now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.
Added: Thursday 16th June 2011 06:00:01
LOSE WEIGHT FAST!
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale
diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked
except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give
me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful
blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,
but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice
at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the
voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card
number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to
have you."
Added: Monday 13th June 2011 00:00:01
VEGETARIAN - DEFINED
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
Added: Sunday 12th June 2011 00:00:01
MECHANIC V. SURGEON
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the
lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael
DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I
also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when
you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Added: Thursday 2nd June 2011 06:00:01
A DOCTOR IS COMPLAINING TO A MECHANIC
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
Added: Tuesday 17th May 2011 06:00:02
BAD COUCH TRIP
I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to
seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes
then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and
said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is
very common among losers."
Added: Sunday 15th May 2011 06:00:01
PROBLEMS REMEMBERING
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
Added: Friday 25th March 2011 18:00:01
PEOPLE ARE IGNORING ME
A patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
Added: Tuesday 22nd March 2011 06:00:01
MAKING BABIES
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of
babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
Added: Friday 18th March 2011 00:00:01
HOW TO CURE A HEADACHE
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."
Added: Monday 7th March 2011 00:00:01
ABSENTMINDED DOCTOR TO PATIENT
After a relaxing vacation, the doctor go in to see his
patient. The doctor says, "I have some bad news and some even
worse news. The bad new is you only have a week to live."
The patient replies, "Oh my God! What could be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I should have told you last week."
Added: Sunday 13th February 2011 18:00:01
IS SHE FEELING ANY BETTER?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Added: Sunday 13th February 2011 12:00:03
HERE'S LOOKING AT YA!
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man
accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He
was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he
forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the
proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye
staring right back at him.
“You know,“ said the doctor, “you really have to learn to
trust me.”
Added: Wednesday 2nd February 2011 00:00:01
BAD DREAM?
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've
got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in
and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored, "Break my arms."
Added: Tuesday 25th January 2011 00:00:01
WOULD YOU PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Added: Sunday 9th January 2011 06:00:01
WE NEED TO HELP THESE PEOPLE
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Added: Sunday 9th January 2011 00:00:01
MODERN SCIENCE
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could
help to prevent herpes...
.. Must be a rubber tree...
Added: Friday 31st December 2010 06:00:01
DOCTORS V. GUN OWNERS
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!
Added: Thursday 30th December 2010 00:00:01
DOCTOR VISIT
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your
tongue."
Added: Saturday 25th December 2010 18:00:01
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME DOCTOR?
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a
drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30
every night . . . always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well,
do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is
on too tight."
Added: Monday 20th December 2010 00:00:01
MIX UP AT THE HOSPITAL
This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
Added: Tuesday 14th December 2010 06:00:01
A HOT DAY
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."
Added: Tuesday 23rd November 2010 00:00:01
I WOULD LIKE TO HAVEA SECOND OPINION
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Added: Wednesday 17th November 2010 06:00:01
THE EVILS OF POT
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off
the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the
evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used
regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility,
cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student.
"Castration?!
That's absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.
"Just
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
Added: Saturday 6th November 2010 18:00:01
A MOTHER AT 65!
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
Added: Friday 5th November 2010 12:00:01
TEN . . . TO LIVE
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for
a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the
results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
Added: Tuesday 2nd November 2010 00:00:01
HOT WATER OR COLD WATER
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By
the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and
he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician
at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more
swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I
don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was
better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly
subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to
complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You
told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid
told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My
maid said to use hot water."
Added: Sunday 31st October 2010 12:00:01
FIVE SURGEONS
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Added: Thursday 21st October 2010 18:00:01
DRIVING EXAMS WORRY ME
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!
Added: Friday 8th October 2010 00:00:01
HELP ME WITH MY HAIR DOCTOR
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Added: Thursday 7th October 2010 18:00:01
OUTPATIENT - DEFINED
Q: What is an outpatient?
A: A person who has already passed out.
Added: Thursday 30th September 2010 00:00:01
PRETTY BAD NEWS
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Added: Tuesday 31st August 2010 06:00:01
WHAT'S A PROSTATE PROBLEM
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the
waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a
casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate
problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."
Added: Saturday 21st August 2010 18:00:01
NEW DRUGS FOR MEN
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth
a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the
performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men
before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to
stop and ask for directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2
percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug
were far more likely to actually finish a household repair
project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a
sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care
tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of
middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their
wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if
its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a
sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts
after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen:
whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than
your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S.
presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making
men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse
with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become
uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats
and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were
seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave
men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose
turned three test
subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available
in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.
Added: Friday 13th August 2010 12:00:01
HOUSE CALL
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone
in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer.
The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A
moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a
pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request
got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my
wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my
instrument bag open."
Added: Thursday 5th August 2010 00:00:02
X-RAY
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.
Added: Wednesday 4th August 2010 18:00:02
BEAUTIFUL
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 00:00:01
GETTING A THIRD OPINION
A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead.
He rushes the dog to the vet and says, "Doc, you have to help
my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to
me!"
The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is
dead.
"I want a second opinion!"
So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador
retriever.
The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the
dog. There is no movement.
The vet says, "Your dog is dead."
"I want a third opinion!"
The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat
jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the
dog. Still the dog doesn't move.
The man says, "Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe
you?"
"480 dollars."
"480 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!"
"No, that's only 80 dollars. The other 400 is for the lab
work and a cat scan!"
Added: Thursday 22nd July 2010 18:00:01
NAILS
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Added: Wednesday 21st July 2010 12:00:02
DID YOU TAKE THE PATIENT'S TEMPERATURE?
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Added: Monday 19th July 2010 06:00:01
WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN?
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
Added: Friday 16th July 2010 12:00:01
STRONGEST THING IN YOUR BODY
Q: What's the strongest thing in your body?
A: Shit. Because even the strongest man cant hold it!
Added: Sunday 4th July 2010 06:00:01
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE
A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Added: Thursday 24th June 2010 12:00:01
WE ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
Added: Sunday 20th June 2010 00:00:01
GOLF BALLS
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a
couple of
dozen old balls one day and took them home with him,
stuffing them
into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down
next to
him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He
noticed
after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his
pockets. A
bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am,
they`re
just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments
later said,
"Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
Added: Saturday 15th May 2010 18:00:02
MAD COW DISEASE
Two cows are standing in a barn.
First cow says, "I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow
disease that's going around."
Second cow replies, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect
penguins."
Added: Friday 14th May 2010 00:00:01
YOUR FIRST TIME
Its your first time and as you lie back, your muscles
tighten. You put him off for a while, searching for an
excuse, but he refuses to be swayed.
As he approaches you, he asks if you are afraid.
You shake your head bravely. He has had more experience but
its the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver your body tenses but he is
gentle as he promised he would be. He looks deeply within
your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many
times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider
to give him more room for easy entrance.
You begin to plead with him to hurry, but he slowly takes
his time wanting to cause you little pain as possiable.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
away. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel a slight
trickle of blood. He continues and looks at you with a
concerned look and asks you if its too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and
nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are too numb
to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you
feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you.
You lay panting and glad to have it over. He looks at you
smiling warmly, tells you that you have been his most
stubborn but yet rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all it was your
first time having a tooth pulled.
Added: Friday 30th April 2010 00:00:01
GYNECOLOGIST PAINTER
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to
the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,
but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took
him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the
unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time
there were two painters, but instead he asked for the
gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we
have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we
arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But
I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand
through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"
Added: Sunday 25th April 2010 12:00:01
HOW TO LIVE TO BE 92?
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
Added: Tuesday 20th April 2010 06:00:01
LETTERS FROM CHARITIES
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Added: Tuesday 13th April 2010 00:00:01
MODEL DENTAL PATIENT
The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's
office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was
in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as
you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"
Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
Added: Friday 9th April 2010 00:00:01
SENIOR BIRTH CONTROL
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the
doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to
have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What
possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s
orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Added: Tuesday 6th April 2010 12:00:01
DID YOU EVER HAVE THIS BEFORE?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
Added: Monday 5th April 2010 00:00:01
BATHTUB SEIZURE
Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a
bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
Added: Tuesday 16th March 2010 06:00:01
DOCTOR! I SWALLOWED A PILLOW!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 06:00:01
AN INVISIBLE MAN IS HERE TO SEE YOU
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Added: Wednesday 3rd March 2010 18:00:01
A MUSICAL DISCOVERY
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes,
getting a little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He
removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found
a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly
unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music
began playing "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get
on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the
rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student
called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told
the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road
again . . . "
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"
asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can
sing country music."
Added: Thursday 25th February 2010 06:00:01
SOILED LINENS
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset.
Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he
decided the latest was another and stayed put. Unfortunately
for him, this wasn't a false alarm and he soiled his bed
linens terribly. He was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost!"
Added: Wednesday 24th February 2010 18:00:01
I CAN'T FIND THE CAUSE OF YOUR PAIN
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
Added: Wednesday 3rd February 2010 12:00:01
HOSPITAL
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Added: Tuesday 2nd February 2010 06:00:01
HAVE AS MANY AS YOU LIKE!
A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one
of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings
the doorbell and Mrs. Smith appears.
"Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would
drop by and see how your are doing." The woman
says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we'll
have some tea."
While sitting at the coffee table, the priest
notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind
if I have one?" the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like".
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch
and alarmed at how long he has been visiting
says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at
the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have
eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace
them next time I visit."
To which Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother
Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's
all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
Added: Saturday 30th January 2010 18:00:01
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
This is true story from the newspaper
The Cape Times (South Africa):
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
patient dead in
the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the
Pelonomi Hospital
(Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and
extensive checks on
the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection,
failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries
have now revealed
the cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would
enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her
business. When
she
had finished her chores, she would plug the life support
machine back
in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She
could not, after
all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the
whirring of her
polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner
in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is
arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no
repetition of
this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times)
The headline of the newspaper story was,
"Cleaner Polishes Off Patients"
Added: Monday 25th January 2010 06:00:01
20 POUND TEXAS BABY
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said
that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby"
weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they
congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the
typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How
much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh
twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him
circumcised!"
Added: Friday 15th January 2010 06:00:02
A VERY INTERESTING FACT
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
Added: Saturday 9th January 2010 00:00:02
CONTROVERSIAL DIAGNOSIS
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three
other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right."
Added: Friday 18th December 2009 00:00:01
ACTUAL MEDICAL CHARTS
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Added: Tuesday 15th December 2009 06:00:01
GIVING UP HALF
An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As
the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do
you smoke?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the
LOOKING or the THINKING?"
Added: Tuesday 24th November 2009 06:00:01
A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first
time found
herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing
nervously,
preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she
draped the
last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the
door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient
up and down
carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me
that until
today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Added: Sunday 22nd November 2009 00:00:01
THE PRISON HOSPITAL
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Added: Tuesday 3rd November 2009 00:00:01
SAVED FROM CHOKING
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My
son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone!
Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was
quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with
almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around
the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The
man then went back to his table as though nothing had
happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a
paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Added: Friday 23rd October 2009 18:00:01
GET ME AN AMBULENCE NOW
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Added: Monday 19th October 2009 18:00:01
BOY OR GIRL
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"
Added: Saturday 17th October 2009 06:00:01
CURING A COUGH
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
Added: Tuesday 13th October 2009 18:00:01
TRY MUD BATHS
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have
some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted
with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking
daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not . . . but at least you'll get used to being
covered in dirt!"
Added: Tuesday 13th October 2009 06:00:01
THE BAD AND THE WORSE NEWS
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
Added: Friday 9th October 2009 18:00:01
MIGRAINE CURE
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
Added: Tuesday 6th October 2009 12:00:01
WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN?
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
Added: Monday 5th October 2009 12:00:01
A VISIT TO THE PSYCHIATRIST
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, I think I'm
gay."
The psychiatrist asks, "Why do you think your gay?"
"Because my grandfather is gay."
"Well, just because your grandfather is gay, doesn't mean
you're gay."
"But my father is gay, too!"
"Well, just because your grandfather is gay and your father
is gay, doesn't mean you're gay."
"But my brother is gay, too!"
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Isn't there anybody
in your family who likes women?"
"Yeah, I think my sister does!"
Added: Monday 5th October 2009 06:00:01
BAD NEWS
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Added: Friday 2nd October 2009 12:00:01
NEGOTIATIONS
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
Added: Monday 14th September 2009 12:00:01
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and
6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the
call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, no one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.
Added: Monday 7th September 2009 18:00:01
PUT ME INTO A FIGHTING MOOD
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Added: Monday 7th September 2009 06:00:01
JAMAICAN PROCTOLOGIST
Q: What do you call a proctologist from Jamaica?
A: Poke'Mon!
Added: Thursday 3rd September 2009 00:00:01
PSYCHIATRIST'S PROBLEMS
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four
of them decided
to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us
with their
guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when
we have
problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we
take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other
three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire
for sex and I
frequently seduce my female patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and
so I find ways
to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I
can buy the
things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs
and often get my
patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not
supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a
secret."
Added: Friday 14th August 2009 06:00:03
CREMATE ME
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
Added: Monday 10th August 2009 06:00:04
MENTAL RELEASE
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
Added: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 06:00:04
BENEFITS OF HAVING ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
Added: Monday 20th July 2009 12:00:01
THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE
A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C.
- Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say
this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink
this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow
this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this
antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here,
eat this root.
Added: Wednesday 8th July 2009 18:00:01
BAD NEWS
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile."
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 12:00:01
SELF HELP GROUPS
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 00:00:01
VISIT TO THE MATERNITY WARD
Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the
newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled!
Isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
Added: Saturday 6th June 2009 18:00:01
NOT QUITE READY FOR SOCIETY
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years
finally improved to the point where it was thought he might
be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution
decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to
interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are
considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real
life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my
former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it
was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to
put
me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in
pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less
difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is
something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding
the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books
on science, or I may even write a novel based on my
experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can
always continue to be a teakettle."
Added: Tuesday 19th May 2009 12:00:01
DON'T MAKE A NURSE ANGRY
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up
to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE
THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Added: Monday 18th May 2009 06:00:04
THE JOYS OF PMS
Women complain about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne
Added: Tuesday 12th May 2009 18:00:02
THE DOCTOR'S SIGN
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new
practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of
his office, proclaiming his specialties:
"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him
please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he
put up a new sign:
"Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they
demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not
offend the townspeople.
Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:
"Odds & Ends"
Added: Monday 11th May 2009 12:00:02
GET A HEART TRANSPLANT
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Added: Wednesday 6th May 2009 12:00:02
GENEALOGIST V. GYNECOLOGIST
Q, What is the difference between a genealogist and a
gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up your family tree . . . A
gynecologist looks up your family bush!
Added: Saturday 2nd May 2009 06:00:04
NEW HEALTHCARE TECHNIQUES
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you
grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take
care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock
they bring me a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
I go out
like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so
rushes off to
question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing,"
he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely
that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we
give him a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from
rolling out of
bed
Added: Wednesday 22nd April 2009 06:00:04
IS IT SERIOUS?
A man walks into his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor i have
a bit of an embarrising problem."
The doctor replies, "Okay, lets see it."
The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a
lettuce leaf growing out his backside.
The man asks "Do you think it's serious?"
The doctor replies, "To tell you the truth it looks like
just the tip of the iceberg."
Added: Monday 20th April 2009 12:00:01
DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!
Added: Saturday 18th April 2009 00:00:01
GET ME OUT
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Added: Monday 23rd March 2009 00:00:01
HAVING CHILDREN AT 49
Women forty-nine years old are having their first child.
Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my
golden years. What's the advantage of having a kid at
forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
Added: Friday 20th February 2009 18:00:01
MEDICAL EMERGENCY ON THE GOLF COURSE
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need
help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little
while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm
may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who
said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking
his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
Added: Friday 20th February 2009 00:00:01
PRICE CHECK ON TAMPAX
When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Added: Thursday 12th February 2009 18:00:01
YOU KNOW YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO WHEN . . .
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is
"An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on
them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.
Added: Wednesday 4th February 2009 00:00:01
WORST HUMAN AILMENTS
The two worst ailments that affect the human race, are
sobriety and virginity.
A temporary cure for sobriety is available, but it will
return in a few hours after treatment has ceased.
Virginity, on the other hand, can be cured for a life time
by one simple injection.
Added: Sunday 1st February 2009 00:00:01
PROCTOLOGIST AT THE BANK
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to
endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his
shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his
mistake, he looked at the
thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great,
just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Added: Saturday 31st January 2009 18:00:01
HOUSE CALL OR OFFICE VISIT
A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who
wanted to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office
in fifteen
minutes."
Added: Thursday 29th January 2009 12:00:01
YOU ARE NOT STERILE
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a
girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had
a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was
enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so
he could touch the babies and believe they had finally
arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards
and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't
sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling ME I'm
not sterile?!"
Added: Thursday 15th January 2009 00:00:02
NEED SAMPLES
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Added: Thursday 8th January 2009 18:00:02
HOW MUCH WILL THIS COST ME?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Added: Wednesday 31st December 2008 06:00:01
STUTTERING PROBLEM
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
Added: Tuesday 23rd December 2008 18:00:01
DOCTOR TERMINOLOGY
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
Added: Saturday 20th December 2008 00:00:02
TOP 30 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental
procedure"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last
chapter of "War and Peace"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct
tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the
instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal
thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding
turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on
Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to
walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
when you enter the trailer park"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel
tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of
coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you
sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture,
the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic
needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an
oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
Added: Monday 15th December 2008 06:00:02
FRUITY PATIENT
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana
stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and
a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is
terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well,
first of all, you're not eating right"
Added: Thursday 27th November 2008 18:00:01
MIXED-UP TERMS
A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her
heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he
had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be,
"Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?"
"Sure," Mike responded, "and her breasts ain't bad either!"
Added: Monday 17th November 2008 18:00:02
AN INVISIBLE MAN IS HERE TO SEE YOU
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Added: Monday 17th November 2008 12:00:02
DIET PROBLEMS
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on
it.
Added: Monday 17th November 2008 00:00:01
A MAN WITH A GLASS EYE IS HERE TO SEE YOU
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Added: Saturday 15th November 2008 06:00:01
BOTTLED OR DRAFT
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was
surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and
began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the
bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
Added: Friday 14th November 2008 06:00:01
TRUE MEDICAL STORIES
True Medical Stories (??)
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes
out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes
jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's
in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal
fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless
read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when
the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.
This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the
doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put
it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for
the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the
patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."
Added: Monday 10th November 2008 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE IF...
You might be a nurse if:
• When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for
a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
• Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's
bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
• Men assume you might be great in bed because of the 9 million porn
movies about nurses.
• Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and
every ache and pain they have.
• You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see
a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and
flirting with doctors.
• You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
• You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even
spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
• You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Added: Tuesday 4th November 2008 12:00:01
LETHAL FOOD
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Added: Monday 3rd November 2008 06:00:01
ALL OUT OF ANAESTHETIC
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
Added: Thursday 30th October 2008 00:00:01
PREPARING FOR A MAMMOGRAM
For women - Helpful info. For men - For the woman in your
life.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no
need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week
preceding the exam and doing the following practice
exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all,
you can do these simple practice exercises right in the
privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each
side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as
you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again
next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other
breast.
Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between
the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends
(or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and
lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for
five seconds. Don't breathe. REPEAT again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other
breast.
Exercise No. 3:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the
concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees).
Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the
floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of
the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the
breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and
repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your
mammogram.
Added: Tuesday 21st October 2008 18:00:01
GINGKO VIAGRA
Gingko Viagra - it helps you remember what the fuck you are
doing.
Added: Sunday 19th October 2008 00:00:01
PREGNANCY EXAM
A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks
her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An
examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman
replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"
Added: Saturday 11th October 2008 06:00:01
INSOMNIA
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely
nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just
have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to
sleep alone."
Added: Thursday 25th September 2008 18:00:01
DOCTOR! I SWALLOWED A PILLOW!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Added: Saturday 6th September 2008 06:00:01
OLD GYNECOLOGISTS
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. They have shaky hands!
Added: Wednesday 27th August 2008 00:00:01
PUNK ROCKER VS. THE DOC
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk
rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into
a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the
staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After
the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note
to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Added: Tuesday 19th August 2008 18:00:01
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Added: Monday 18th August 2008 12:00:01
HEADLINE - KIDNEY TRANSPLANT
Newspaper Headline:
"Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in
Years"
Added: Friday 8th August 2008 12:00:01
MEDICAL ONE-LINERS
Anatomy - something that everybody has but somehow looks
better on a girl
Bachelor - a fellow that can take women or leave them, and
prefers to do both.
Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress
Passion - a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to
feel a feeling you have never felt before
Psychologist - a man who watches everybody else when a
pretty girl enters the room
Neurotic - a woman who likes a psychiatrist's couch better
than a double bed
Hypochondriac - a person wants to have her ache and treat it
too
Book - The Physiology of Puberty, by I.C. Morhair
Gynaecologist - a man who works and operates in another
man's field
Gynaecologist - at your cervix, madam.
Patient - I'm dilated to meet you.
Added: Monday 4th August 2008 06:00:01
THE CURE
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and
asks him what can he do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but
can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell
him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do
the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get
the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot
reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him
and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "Arrgghhhh!"
"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the
doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Added: Saturday 2nd August 2008 06:00:01
BABY NOISES . . . WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
Added: Monday 2nd June 2008 18:00:02
I THINK I NEED A PAIR OF GLASSES
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Added: Saturday 31st May 2008 06:00:02
LUNG TRANSPLANT
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Added: Wednesday 21st May 2008 12:00:03
MEDICAL NEWS
News Flash:
Shands Teaching Hospital in Gainesville, Fl., recently
proved that diarrhea is inherited.
Yes, it runs in your jeans...
Added: Monday 19th May 2008 06:00:02
WHO IS THE FATHER?
A very popular girl (the town whore) went to her doctor and
found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you
know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can
of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"
Added: Thursday 15th May 2008 12:00:02
VIAGRA & DOAN'S PILLS
The older guys are now taking a new combination, Viagra and
Doan's Pills, so the back won't peter out and the peter
won't back out...
Added: Tuesday 13th May 2008 00:00:01
CHRONIC LAZINESS
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
Added: Friday 9th May 2008 00:00:01
HEART BATTLE
Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?
A: A heart attack!
Added: Thursday 8th May 2008 18:00:02
GAY FRANK VISITS THE DOCTOR
NOTE: If you are sensitive to homosexual-natured jokes, do
not read further.
--------------
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run. The doctor comes back and says, "Frank, I am not going
to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of
spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."
Added: Tuesday 6th May 2008 12:00:02
MY WIFE IS BEATING ME
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
Added: Sunday 4th May 2008 18:00:03
DO YOU HAVE THE TIME
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Added: Monday 14th April 2008 06:00:02
INNER CHILD
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't
allowed to talk to strangers.
Added: Thursday 3rd April 2008 18:00:02
THE FAITH HEALER
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
Added: Tuesday 18th March 2008 18:00:03
CAN I PLAY THE PIANO ONCE THESE ARE OFF?
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
Added: Monday 17th March 2008 12:00:04
WILL THIS OPERATION HURT ME AT ALL?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Added: Saturday 15th March 2008 12:00:02
GENERIC VIAGRA
Q: Do you know the generic name for Viagra?
A: Mikoxafloppin
Added: Thursday 13th March 2008 00:00:02
LABOUR PAINS
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
Added: Saturday 8th March 2008 00:00:03
UNUSUAL PATIENTS
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his
two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What
the heck have
I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back
my beloved family?"
So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to
take them to a
hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them
back. He loads
them into his van and off he rushes to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital and after some serious
surgery, he asks
the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?"
The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
Added: Sunday 24th February 2008 12:00:02
MEDICAL ADVANCEMENT
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking
for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half
a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us.
We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work.
Added: Saturday 23rd February 2008 00:00:02
DOCTOR'S FUNERAL
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Added: Monday 18th February 2008 00:00:03
CIRCUMCISION
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Added: Saturday 16th February 2008 18:00:04
WILL I LIVE ANY LONGER?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Added: Friday 15th February 2008 00:00:02
DYSLEXIC AGNOSTIC INSOMNIAC
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a
dog.
Added: Wednesday 13th February 2008 00:00:02
BAD TEMPER PROBLEM
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Added: Monday 4th February 2008 12:00:03
MORNING SICKNESS
The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at
the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of
coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were
pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn
sick of mornings."
Added: Sunday 3rd February 2008 18:00:03
NERVOUS
Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Sam: But I'm the examiner!
Added: Thursday 31st January 2008 00:00:01
SICK MAN
After looking for love in all the wrong places,
a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling
very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is
immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed..and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an
extremely contagious and nasty STD called
'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea,
AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the
only foods we can get under the door."
Added: Tuesday 29th January 2008 12:00:07
I WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
Added: Wednesday 16th January 2008 06:00:03
AN UNUSUAL VET
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Added: Wednesday 9th January 2008 18:00:02
CRAZY PATIENTS
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Added: Wednesday 9th January 2008 12:00:02
LITTLE BOY
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
Added: Saturday 5th January 2008 18:00:03
WHAT'S YOUR DIAGNOSIS?
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the
aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the
younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so
that the people of the community could become accustomed to
him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she
had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been
over
doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back
on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the
older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor
stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You
noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well
when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a
half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably
what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do
you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder
physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly
widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several
minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been
feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I
just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that
helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is
probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to
that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick
it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"
Added: Wednesday 2nd January 2008 06:00:03
NEW HOSPITAL POLICY
MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security.
Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and
12 rounds
of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in
the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge
Nurses will
rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and
helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will
now take
over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary
will be
responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as
well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be
fed will
need to let their families know to bring something, or may
make
arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient
rooms for
this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish
to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory
patients may
also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for special
discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is
assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached
by
calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside
and
listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be
standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the
series at a
rate of one volume every other month. We already have the
volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please
try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume
arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by
only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are
already
bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the
two
x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time
required
by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the
price of
one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from
the Sunday
paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor
competitors'
coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations,
so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them
to the
ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the
electric company
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient
room,
office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be
monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or
lease in the
hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for
the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each
floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees
are
encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting
moldy
compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial
production of
antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for
purchase
through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon
be the
only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
Added: Thursday 27th December 2007 00:00:02
ACTUAL ANSWER FROM A MEDICAL STUDENT
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
Added: Thursday 20th December 2007 12:00:02
PMS V. MAD COW DISEASE
Q: What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: The number of tits!
Added: Monday 17th December 2007 00:00:02
BREAST ENLARGEMENT
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
Added: Friday 14th December 2007 12:00:03
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Added: Wednesday 5th December 2007 00:00:02
FIVE SURGEONS
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Added: Sunday 2nd December 2007 12:00:03
DOCTOR . . . I AM TURNING INTO A HORSE!
A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a
frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a
horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have
SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into
a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at
my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a
bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't
think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm
getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck.
It's grown 5 inches in ONE
WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT
turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck
occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated,
speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe
nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing
HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen
finger and toe nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And
look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly
from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a
small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my
brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and
he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"
Added: Sunday 25th November 2007 18:00:02
CREATIVE SURGERY
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one
of the man's
testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to
replace the
it with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects."
"Like what?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives
me a blow
job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog
stand, I get a hard-on."
Added: Saturday 24th November 2007 18:00:03
WOMEN GET HEALTHIER AS THEY GET OLDER
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the
subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women
have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last
time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier
than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before
bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now
that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
Added: Friday 16th November 2007 00:00:02
BREAST EXAM POEM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!
Added: Tuesday 13th November 2007 00:00:03
SEX WITH PATIENTS
A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his
actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that
of his good moral side and that of his mischievious side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says
"don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their
patients." The man tosses and turns in reflection of his
actions. Again
the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have
sex with their patients." Feeling somewhat relieved, the man
begins to relax and feel
better about himself at which time another voice in head
says, "but you're a veterinarian."
Added: Saturday 10th November 2007 18:00:02
TWO SETS OF TONSILS?
A young man approached his family physician and said, "Doc,
I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of
these days."
"My good man," replied the doctor, "I removed them six years
ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of
tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man
having two wives, haven't you?"
Added: Monday 29th October 2007 06:00:02
SPECIMEN BOTTLE
Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was
extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container
and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had
insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen
glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we
are a little cloudy today."
Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her
hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well,
I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer
this time."
Added: Saturday 13th October 2007 06:00:02
ACTUAL DOCTOR'S NOTES
These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes
- unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it
disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought
you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
Added: Friday 12th October 2007 00:00:02
THE MIRACLE OF NATURE - BIRDS AND BEES
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide
eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself,
"Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start
explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I
guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son
and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that
calf going when he hit that cow?"
Added: Tuesday 9th October 2007 18:00:05
TESTING! TESTING!
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't
hear him. "How bad is it?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea,"
the husband says. "Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away
from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get
closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer
and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way
we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss." So the man
goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up
vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: "What are we having
for dinner?" No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5
feet: Same thing. Finally, he's standing right behind her:
"What's for dinner?" She turns around, looks at him and
says:"For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!"
Added: Sunday 30th September 2007 00:00:04
I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Added: Friday 28th September 2007 06:00:02
HEADACHE CURE
If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."
Added: Wednesday 26th September 2007 18:00:01
AUTOMATED DIAGNOSIS
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly
introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping
centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as
instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout:
"You have a tennis elbow". The man was impressed, but at the
same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He
decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went
home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat,
and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He
returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the
combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your
cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy,
but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis
elbow."
Added: Saturday 15th September 2007 12:00:01
POOR OLD LADY
This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says,
"Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't
smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since
talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take
this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all
gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady
comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in
those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear
them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods
his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus
problem, now let's work on your hearing."
Added: Wednesday 5th September 2007 12:00:01
DENTIST VISIT
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."
Added: Friday 31st August 2007 18:00:03
DOCTOR'S PRESCRIPTION
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
Added: Friday 31st August 2007 06:00:01
I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Added: Thursday 16th August 2007 18:00:02
SEIZURE IN A BATHTUB
Q: What do you do when you find a man in the bath tub having
a seisure?
A: Throw in your laundry.
Added: Tuesday 31st July 2007 18:00:02
DO YOU HAVE A SOLUTION?
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Added: Saturday 21st July 2007 12:00:01
THE RESULTS OF THE X-RAY
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
Added: Thursday 19th July 2007 06:00:01
UNUSUAL PRESCRIPTION
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of
a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that
the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their
best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the
cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box
of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The
customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned
against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what
had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the
cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it
all at once," John explained.
"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on
the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Added: Tuesday 17th July 2007 00:00:02
I NEED A MALE PHARMACIST
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no
males employed there. She then asked if there was something
she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but
I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you
could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go
talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Added: Monday 9th July 2007 06:00:02
WILL I LIVE ANY LONGER?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Added: Friday 6th July 2007 06:00:02
GETTING A TOOTH PULLED
A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I
want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because
I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as
possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which
tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and
show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Added: Tuesday 5th June 2007 06:00:02
DOCTOR, SHOULD I FILE MY NAILS?
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.
Added: Thursday 31st May 2007 18:00:04
IS SHE FEELING ANY BETTER?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Added: Thursday 31st May 2007 06:00:03
BAD INSOMNIA
My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.
Added: Monday 28th May 2007 00:00:01
BETTER BOTH VISIT THE DOCTOR
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his
coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra
pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her
sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Added: Sunday 27th May 2007 12:00:02
CPR CLASS
Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students
were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well
known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying
case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one
of the students gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all
right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to
listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and
exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"
Added: Thursday 24th May 2007 18:00:07
SEX RELATED MEDICAL FACTS
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
Added: Thursday 24th May 2007 06:00:02
BAD TEMPER PROBLEM
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Added: Friday 18th May 2007 12:00:01
WHO ARE THE BEST PATIENTS?
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes
longer than you said it would."
Added: Wednesday 2nd May 2007 12:00:04
I HAVE BAD AND VERY BAD NEWS
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Added: Wednesday 25th April 2007 18:00:03
FAMILY MATTERS
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with
your family?" inquired the doctor.
"Yeah." said the man.
"Well, what did they have to say about it?" asked the
doctor.
"They're in favour, 15 to 2." replied the man.
Added: Wednesday 25th April 2007 06:00:01
A LESBIAN VISITS THE DOCTOR
A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.
After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You can
get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few
days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave
you."
When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well,
you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing
wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on
your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients,
and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area
so clean and fresh."
The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for
that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a
week."
Added: Sunday 25th March 2007 06:00:02
WOULD YOU PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
Added: Saturday 10th March 2007 06:00:01
HERO?
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital
had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out
of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and
called him
into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate
that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you
saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him
up to dry."
Added: Sunday 18th February 2007 06:00:02
HEALTHY OLD MAN
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."
Added: Saturday 17th February 2007 00:00:01
I'VE GOT GOOD AND BAD
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Added: Friday 9th February 2007 00:00:01
DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU DO THIS?
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
Added: Tuesday 6th February 2007 00:00:02
I CAN'T FIND THE CAUSE OF YOUR PAIN
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
Added: Monday 22nd January 2007 12:23:18
TEMPERATURE
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Added: Saturday 13th January 2007 18:00:02
TRAIN ACCIDENT
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Added: Wednesday 10th January 2007 00:00:02
GLOSSARY OF MEDICAL TERMS
Alternative Medical Terms
-------------------------
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
Added: Friday 15th December 2006 12:00:02
STUPID QUESTION
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that
would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and
would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his
peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.
He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple
more of these presentations and realized that it would be
more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a
surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired
a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about
6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know....
This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture
and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the
driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated
procedure and that he is the only person that can give this
lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have
seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by
heart," says the driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this
lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right."
replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the
driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat
and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also
answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the
driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab
coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex
question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287
times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As
a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going
to let my driver answer it."
Added: Tuesday 12th December 2006 06:00:03
GOOD AND BAD NEWS
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Added: Sunday 26th November 2006 11:57:53
ARTHRITIS IS SO CRUEL
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
Added: Friday 3rd November 2006 00:00:04
THE CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Added: Monday 30th October 2006 12:00:02
HOW MUCH WILL THIS COST ME?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Added: Saturday 7th October 2006 06:00:03
BENEFITS OF HAVING ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
Added: Monday 25th September 2006 18:00:03
I'M GAINING WEIGHT DOCTOR
Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Trish: Really? What color?
Added: Sunday 24th September 2006 18:00:02
TIME TO CHOOSE ANOTHER DOCTOR
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her
last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor,"
she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"
Added: Thursday 21st September 2006 00:00:03
UGLY FAT
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off.
Added: Monday 18th September 2006 18:00:02
PREVENTIVE MEDICINE BELIEF
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Added: Sunday 3rd September 2006 18:00:02
CREATIVE MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!
Added: Sunday 3rd September 2006 00:00:02
EXIT INTERVIEW
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and
ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I
see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.
Do you have any idea what you might do once you're
released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went
to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good
field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I
might write a book about my experience here in the hospital,
what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I
thought I might go back to college and study art history,
which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare
time, I can go on being a teapot."
Added: Saturday 26th August 2006 12:00:02
LETTERS FROM CHARITIES
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Added: Friday 25th August 2006 12:00:02
WINE AND SMOKING
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Added: Wednesday 23rd August 2006 12:00:02
AN ORGASMIC PROBLEM
A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"
Added: Friday 18th August 2006 00:00:08
ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
For years'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now lets get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "WITHOUT"!!
Added: Monday 7th August 2006 00:00:03
GOING NUTS
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to
a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his
patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the
game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up
nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After
the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all
broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get
a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When
he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his
assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy
walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
Added: Friday 4th August 2006 12:00:02
EMERGENCY DOCTOR VISIT
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Added: Wednesday 26th July 2006 00:00:18
THE AMERICAN AND THE FRENCHMAN
An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball
cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this
French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in
the mood for small talk.
The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be
smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides
to remark on that.
"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says
in an astonished tone.
"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and
then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it
to the French as croissants."
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that
jelly?"
"Yes," says the Frenchman.
"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits.
Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it
to the French as jelly."
"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your
used condoms?"
Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them
away."
"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container,
process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans."
Added: Saturday 1st July 2006 17:52:55
A NIGHT AT THE ASYLUM
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I
am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Added: Wednesday 28th June 2006 05:53:44
HOSPITAL DONATION CENTER
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital
donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to
give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm,
myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted
some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in
the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
Added: Friday 16th June 2006 11:53:08
A SHORT TIME TO LIVE
A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
Added: Tuesday 30th May 2006 18:14:19
UNSUAL TRANSPLANT
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated
doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart
transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."
Added: Monday 1st May 2006 17:52:06
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