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LAWYER JOKES (updated Saturday 18th May 2013 18:00:01 EDT)

TAKING IT WITH YOU

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 18:00:01

GOOD START

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 21st August 2011 18:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Added: Sunday 21st August 2011 06:00:03

ACTUAL STUPID QUESTIONS ASKED

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Added: Wednesday 17th August 2011 00:00:01

WHAT IS TWO PLUS TWO?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Added: Monday 8th August 2011 06:00:02

LAWYER QUICKIES 1

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
a: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

Added: Tuesday 26th July 2011 18:00:01

A COLD WINTER NIGHT

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.

He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.

When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

Added: Thursday 21st July 2011 12:00:01

LIGHT BULB 2

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Added: Wednesday 20th July 2011 00:00:01

I JUST MANAGED TO SETTLE AN ACCOUNT!

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

Added: Friday 15th July 2011 12:00:01

THAT'S A REAL BARGAIN

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

Added: Saturday 9th July 2011 06:00:01

TALK TO THE JUDGE

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"

Added: Tuesday 5th July 2011 18:00:01

DEFENDING A BEASTIAL

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

Added: Friday 1st July 2011 12:00:02

FROG NOISE

Two litte boys are talking to each other when the older boy, Little Tommy, gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

Little Tommy goes on, "Please .. please .. make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

Little Tommy then says to his younger brother, Little Johnny, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So Little Johnny goes to his Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says sternly, "I just told your brother NO and I'm telling you NO."

Little Johnny says, "Please .. please .. Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa curiously asks, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

Then, Little Johnny replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Tuesday 28th June 2011 00:00:01

WHO HANDLES CASES?

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"

Added: Sunday 12th June 2011 06:00:01

LAWYER JOKES

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? 'Senator.'

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? 'Your Honor.'

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 6th June 2011 00:00:01

MESSING WITH THE MOB

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where
is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather,
"He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger."

Added: Tuesday 31st May 2011 18:00:01

5000 DEAD LAWYERS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Added: Monday 23rd May 2011 00:00:01

CRASHING LAWYERS

What do you say to a busload of lawyers crashing over a five hundred foot cliff? Got room for one more?

Added: Thursday 12th May 2011 00:00:01

SMART DOG

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a cathedral out of toothpicks.

The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow.

Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine.

Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Fella went over and screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Tuesday 10th May 2011 18:00:01

ARGUING EFFECTIVELY

How to Argue Effectively

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

-=- Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers

vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.

You're being defensive.

Don't compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.

Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

Added: Friday 6th May 2011 12:00:01

LAWYERS GRAVE

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

Added: Friday 6th May 2011 06:00:02

LAWYERS REWARDS

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office.

"Is it true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?"

"I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer, "People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."

Added: Thursday 28th April 2011 18:00:01

JURY DUTY

A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury
summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first
you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.

Added: Thursday 28th April 2011 06:00:02

HOW'S BUSINESS?

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

"How’s business?" asked the first.

"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

Added: Wednesday 6th April 2011 18:00:01

MARRIAGE TERMINATION

Attorney: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Added: Tuesday 5th April 2011 06:00:02

LAWYER AND ST. PETER

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Added: Monday 4th April 2011 18:00:01

UNREASONABLE BILL

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

Added: Sunday 3rd April 2011 00:00:01

SINGLES BAR

A young man struck up a conversation with a young lass in a singles bar.

All went well until he mentioned that he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest.

The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble.

She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Saturday 2nd April 2011 18:00:01

STANDING IN LINE

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."

"Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"

Added: Friday 4th March 2011 06:00:01

WHERE LAWYERS COME FROM

A young woman went to see her doctor one day. She nervously
asked, "Doctor, please tell me. Can I get pregnant from anal
intercourse?"

The doctor immediately responded, "My dear, where do you
think lawyers come from?"

Added: Thursday 24th February 2011 00:00:01

LAWYERS GIVE IRRELEVANT INFORMATION

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

Added: Monday 21st February 2011 00:00:01

BIRTH CONTROL

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Added: Friday 18th February 2011 18:00:01

LYING LAWYER

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?

His lips start moving.

Added: Wednesday 16th February 2011 12:00:02

SLEEPING IN THE BARN

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down.

Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.

After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn.

A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door.

The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.

A few moments later there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig!!!

Added: Wednesday 16th February 2011 00:00:01

SUDDENLY

Joe the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven.

The angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman Curtis

Added: Wednesday 9th February 2011 00:00:02

SOME LAST MINUTE REQUESTS

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

Added: Sunday 6th February 2011 00:00:01

FARMER'S LAWYER

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's
expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another
lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but
he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began
his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's
pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

Added: Tuesday 1st February 2011 06:00:01

JOB INTERVIEW

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Added: Monday 17th January 2011 00:00:01

TERMINOLOGY

Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

Added: Thursday 13th January 2011 00:00:01

LIFE'S LOST LAWS

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
and stupidity

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live
with.

4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill.
Check three
friends. If they're OK, you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes
cancer in rats.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your
book.

11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will
forget where
you live.

12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a
warning to others.

14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the
average man can see better than he can think.

16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on
society.

17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving
from where
you left them to where you can't find them.

18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits
the fan will
not be evenly distributed.

Number 16 of course, came from Mark Twain

Added: Friday 7th January 2011 18:00:02

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Added: Monday 3rd January 2011 12:00:01

CATCH A THIEF

The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

Added: Saturday 1st January 2011 06:00:01

LAWYERS CAN'T ADD

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Added: Thursday 30th December 2010 06:00:01

HIGH IQ

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor !

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

Added: Thursday 23rd December 2010 12:00:01

A KIND LAWYER?

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"

, he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food."

, The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

Added: Tuesday 21st December 2010 18:00:01

WANT TO GO INTO SPACE?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

Added: Tuesday 14th December 2010 00:00:01

INSURANCE MONEY

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled.

"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

Added: Sunday 12th December 2010 12:00:01

BILLING

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Added: Saturday 11th December 2010 12:00:01

I WANT TO APPEAL A CASE

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Added: Monday 6th December 2010 06:00:01

TERMINOLOGY

Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

Added: Thursday 2nd December 2010 18:00:02

THE LOST BALL

Two lawyers, Jon and Bill, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Bill a $50 bet. Bill agrees and they're off.

They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Bill is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four stroke penalty, Bill secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!

Added: Monday 29th November 2010 18:00:01

A KOALA IDENTIFICATI

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Hugging Geordi Spock Pissed Pinocchio koala koala koala koala koala

* ___ ___ _ _ /_ ___ {~._.~} {~._.~} ( )-( ) {~._.~} {~._.~} ( Y ) ( Y ) ()_*_() ( Y ) ( Y ) j~*~l ()~*~() ( v ) ()~*~() ~H (_)-(_) l_T_| {_` '_} (_)-(_) H ~~~ ~ 'armless Standing Upside Party Koala koala koala down koala icecream koala

. ___ // .---. // _ _ ___ {~._.~}// Y|o o|Y// {~.V.~} {~._.~} ( Y )K/ /_(i=i)K/ ( Y ) ( Y ) ()~*~() ~()~*~()~ ()~*~() ()~S~() (_)-(_) (_)-(_) (_)-(_) /(_)-(_) Luke Darth Koala with Superman Skywalker Vader a splitting koala koala koala headache

Added: Saturday 27th November 2010 18:00:01

EXPRESS DEGREE

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said.

"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Added: Sunday 14th November 2010 00:00:01

HELPFUL LAWYERS

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the
State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50
year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only
two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan,
stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until
paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two
additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent
helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior
executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If
these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson
about priorities."

Added: Thursday 4th November 2010 12:00:01

THE WILL

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong.

Hi, Dan!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by

Added: Thursday 4th November 2010 06:00:01

BRASS RAT

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."

Added: Monday 1st November 2010 12:00:01

100 LAWYERS IN THE SAND

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their
neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Added: Thursday 28th October 2010 00:00:01

LAWYERS ON A JURY

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

Added: Sunday 17th October 2010 12:00:02

LAWYERS BRAINS

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Added: Wednesday 13th October 2010 00:00:02

NOT GUILTY?

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank
robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he
motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from
the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the
verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict
to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank
robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the
defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as
they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what
do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to
his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this
mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Added: Tuesday 12th October 2010 18:00:01

SHARKS

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help.

As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins, great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

Submitted by

Added: Monday 11th October 2010 06:00:01

DEAD SNAKE

What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Added: Sunday 10th October 2010 00:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Added: Saturday 9th October 2010 06:00:01

SOUNDS DIRTY

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

Added: Thursday 7th October 2010 00:00:01

A LAWYER IN KING SOLOMON'S COURT

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between
them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for
silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew
the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a
half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must
marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."

Added: Wednesday 6th October 2010 00:00:01

ATTORNEY SEASON

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, brothels, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
6. Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
7. Cutthroat - 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
10.Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $100 BOUNTY

Added: Tuesday 28th September 2010 18:00:01

WHAT SHOULD THEY GET?

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

Added: Sunday 19th September 2010 18:00:01

A BRIEF AFFAIR

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.

After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Monday 13th September 2010 06:00:01

GETTING A LAWYER TO GIVE TO THE UNITED WAY

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had
never received a donation from the town's most successful
lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade
him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly
income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some
way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um...
No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out
an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or
that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless
with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten,
said
simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Added: Tuesday 7th September 2010 00:00:02

EXPERIENCE

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years."

"Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retorted, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!"

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 5th September 2010 12:00:01

CORRUPTION

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Added: Saturday 4th September 2010 12:00:02

CONTRACT WITH THE DEVIL

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Added: Friday 3rd September 2010 06:00:01

BAD ADVICE 2

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

Added: Sunday 29th August 2010 18:00:01

LAWYERS VISIT

A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped
out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow
dropping. Looking down he cried "my god I'm melting!"

Added: Saturday 28th August 2010 00:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

Added: Friday 27th August 2010 18:00:01

WHERE DOES A CHICKEN GO WHEN IT LOSES ALL OF ITS FEATHERS?

Q: Where does a chicken go when it loses all of its
feathers?

A: To the retail store.

Added: Friday 27th August 2010 00:00:01

BUCKLE UP

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Added: Tuesday 24th August 2010 12:00:01

DOG COMPETITION

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for a tidy profit, and went outside to play golf.

Added: Sunday 22nd August 2010 18:00:01

LAWYER'S PERSONAL INJURY

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Added: Sunday 22nd August 2010 06:00:01

LEGAL QUOTES & QUIPS

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”

-- Lin Yutang

“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”

-- Ambrose Bierce

"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin

“Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”

-- Oscar Wilde

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

-- Lenny Bruce

“I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”

-- Voltaire

Added: Wednesday 18th August 2010 00:00:01

JURY CANDIDATE

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him!"

Needless to say, she wasn't selected for the jury.

Added: Monday 16th August 2010 18:00:01

LAWYERS ON THE BEACH

How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?

Cats keep covering them over with sand.

Added: Sunday 15th August 2010 18:00:01

MARS TRIP

JUSTICE SYSTEM

What is the worst thing about our justice system?

You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Yisman

Added: Wednesday 11th August 2010 00:00:01

NEED A NEW LAWYER

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.

Added: Tuesday 10th August 2010 12:00:01

JUST THE FACTS

Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.

Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

Added: Sunday 8th August 2010 18:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Added: Thursday 5th August 2010 06:00:01

A KIND LAWYER

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of
his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the
other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for
his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
almost a foot tall."

Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 06:00:01

WHICH TO SHOOT?

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a
lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you
do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 12:00:01

SHORT LEGAL LAUGHS

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Added: Tuesday 20th July 2010 18:00:01

NEW SECRETARY

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.

Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but
finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

Submitted by Curtis

Added: Saturday 17th July 2010 12:00:01

LAWYERS RUNNING LATE

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.

The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"

"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."

"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"

"No, the kid had it under his coat."

Added: Friday 16th July 2010 18:00:01

CROSS-EXAMINED

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"

Samuel: Well ... let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.

Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

Added: Friday 16th July 2010 00:00:01

OUTRUN THE BEAR

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Wednesday 14th July 2010 00:00:01

CROSS EXAMINATION

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Added: Sunday 11th July 2010 12:00:01

LAWYER QUICKIES 3

Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

Added: Thursday 1st July 2010 12:00:01

SURGEONS

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

Added: Friday 25th June 2010 18:00:01

INTRODUCTIONS

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 23rd June 2010 18:00:01

TESTIMONY OF A POLICE OFFICER

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you
have a locker room in the police station ... a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk
through that room.

Added: Friday 18th June 2010 00:00:01

WITNESS INTERVIEWS GONE BAD

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."

Added: Monday 14th June 2010 00:00:01

SPACE FOR RENT

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

Added: Saturday 12th June 2010 12:00:01

DEVIL AND LAWYER

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Added: Friday 11th June 2010 18:00:01

LAWYER ONE LINERS #5

** What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Added: Friday 11th June 2010 12:00:01

THE DEVIL VISITED A LAWYER'S OFFICE

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Added: Tuesday 8th June 2010 06:00:01

DO YOU SERVE LAWYERS

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Added: Monday 7th June 2010 06:00:02

TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH

`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'

`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

Added: Friday 4th June 2010 06:00:01

BIG ETHICAL DILEMMA

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Added: Thursday 3rd June 2010 18:00:01

DISORDER IN THE COUR

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' Collected by Richard Lederer, reprinted in N.H. Business Review

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

------------------------------------------------

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

------------------------------------------------

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

------------------------------------------------

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

------------------------------------------------

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

------------------------------------------------

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

------------------------------------------------

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

------------------------------------------------

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

------------------------------------------------

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

------------------------------------------------

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

------------------------------------------------

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

------------------------------------------------

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

------------------------------------------------

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

Added: Thursday 3rd June 2010 06:00:01

OLD HOOKER

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers.

En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.

“Say,” Poe asks, “what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?”

“Christ,” Graham replies. “Five or six bucks, tops.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 1st June 2010 18:00:01

FARMER BROWN HAS PAS

Old farmer Brown passes away after a short illness. His estate shows he had a substantial life insurance policy and the company doesn't want to pay. The company sends their hot shot attorney down to contest the policy. During the legal proceedings the hot shot attorney is questioning the country Dr. who signed the death certificate.

"Well Dr. Smith, you were not present when farmer Brown died, so how do you know that he is dead, and not out on some island resort somewhere."

The Dr. thought for a while and said "you know you're right, I wasn't there when he passed away, and at the autopsy I removed his brain and have it in a jar in my office in formaldehyde, so there is a distinct possibility that he could be out practicing law somewhere...

Added: Monday 31st May 2010 06:00:01

LAWYER ONE LINERS #4

** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Added: Friday 21st May 2010 12:00:01

LAWYER QUICKIES 7

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Added: Wednesday 19th May 2010 18:00:01

TWO IN ONE GRAVE

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Added: Tuesday 18th May 2010 12:00:01

TITLE SEARCH

Title Search Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990 One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: "We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly, etc."

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

"Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you're satisfied."

Added: Monday 17th May 2010 00:00:01

LAWYER VS. PROSTITUTE

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a
prostitute?

A: The prostitute stops fucking you after your dead.

Added: Sunday 16th May 2010 06:00:01

SETTLED THE CASE!

A young attorney, 'who had taken over his father's practice', rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!!" cried his astonished father.

"Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."

Added: Monday 10th May 2010 12:00:01

GOLD WATCH

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness
was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful
because he changed his statement after he gave
it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was positive that I had my
gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered
that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening,
his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your
watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up
for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone
for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife.
"He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you
sent him."

Added: Tuesday 4th May 2010 18:00:01

THE LAWYERS, EMAIL,

Two lawyers were planing to go to Hawaii for their 12th anniversery. The lady told her husband that she has to finish her case and would come down in a week. The husband said ok and left for hawaii. It had been a week and the husband was going to email his wife to make sure she was still coming. He forgot her email address and put down what he remembered. An old woman was sitting in her rocker crying because her husband had died 1 week ago and the computer said you've got mail, so she clicked on it and she fell to the floor dead. The House keeper ran in and found the woman dead. She didn't see why the woman died, but she looked on the computer screen and this is what it said" I have been down here for about a week now and it's really hot down here.I have been waiting for you. Come soon! love you lots! your husband

Added: Thursday 29th April 2010 18:00:01

HOW DO YOU GET A LAWYER OUT OF A TREE?

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A. Cut the rope.

Added: Thursday 22nd April 2010 12:00:01

BAD INVESTMENT

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.

The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

Added: Saturday 17th April 2010 12:00:01

LEGAL PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?"

asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Added: Friday 16th April 2010 06:00:01

FEMALE LAWYER V. PITBULL

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit
bull?

A: Lipstick.

Added: Wednesday 14th April 2010 06:00:01

TESTIMONY

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did
not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for
perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot
better than the penalty for murder.

Added: Sunday 11th April 2010 18:00:01

I'LL KILL YOU

Attorney: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Attorney: Did he kill you?

Added: Saturday 10th April 2010 00:00:01

DO YOU KNOW ME?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his
parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know
him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Added: Monday 29th March 2010 18:00:01

MOTOR ACCIDENT

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

Added: Thursday 25th March 2010 12:00:01

LAWYERS DOG

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

Added: Wednesday 17th March 2010 06:00:01

LAWYER'S TRUST

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.

In the middle of lunch, the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says, "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Added: Monday 15th March 2010 12:00:01

GANG OF ROBBERS

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

Added: Thursday 4th March 2010 12:00:01

A FEW GOOD LAWYERS

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Added: Thursday 4th March 2010 00:00:01

VIAGRA

What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra??? He got
taller.

Added: Monday 1st March 2010 18:00:01

HONEST LAWYER

What do you call an honest lawyer?

Broke.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Tuesday 16th February 2010 12:00:01

ANYTIME, ANYWHERE

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Tuesday 16th February 2010 00:00:01

SOUNDS DIRTY

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

Think you can get me off?

Added: Monday 15th February 2010 12:00:01

2 BULLETS & A LAWYER

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

Added: Friday 12th February 2010 00:00:01

DO YOU SERVE LAWYERS

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash.

He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Thursday 11th February 2010 18:00:01

CROSSING A LAWYER WITH A PIT BULL

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pit bull?

A: A dishonest pit bull.

Added: Thursday 11th February 2010 06:00:01

SMARTEST MAN IN THE

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Added: Wednesday 10th February 2010 18:00:01

ONE LESS LAWYER

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Added: Wednesday 3rd February 2010 06:00:01

DEFIANCE

What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Added: Tuesday 2nd February 2010 00:00:01

THREE WISHES

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

"But there's a catch."

"What catch?"

he asked. The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?"

asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari."

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.

"Next wish?"

"I'd LOVE a million dollars..."

replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Added: Saturday 30th January 2010 00:00:01

APPEAL

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.

But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Added: Friday 29th January 2010 12:00:01

CROSS EXAMINATION

LYING

How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

Added: Thursday 21st January 2010 18:00:01

LAWYERS V. SPERM

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Added: Sunday 17th January 2010 12:00:02

THAT'S A REAL BARGAIN

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Added: Saturday 16th January 2010 00:00:01

GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

Added: Friday 15th January 2010 12:00:01

JAPAN IS IN TROUBLE

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

Added: Tuesday 5th January 2010 18:00:01

THE LAWYER & THE DEA

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends.

"I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

Added: Wednesday 30th December 2009 18:00:01

COLD

It was so cold this morning that I even saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Tuesday 29th December 2009 12:00:01

LAWYERS V. NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Q:Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Added: Wednesday 16th December 2009 06:00:01

HONEST LAWYER

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Added: Saturday 12th December 2009 12:00:01

YOU WON'T GO TO JAIL

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Added: Friday 11th December 2009 12:00:01

A LAWYER MADE MAN!

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says, "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says, "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect, when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than that!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 8th December 2009 12:00:01

CRASH LANDING

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'

Added: Tuesday 8th December 2009 00:00:01

YOU WAKE HIM UP

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

Added: Monday 7th December 2009 18:00:01

NO-ONE HOME

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Added: Wednesday 2nd December 2009 00:00:01

ASSHOLES!

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an asshole!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 28th November 2009 00:00:01

INTERVIEWING THE MEDICAL EXAMINER

In a murder trial, the defense attorney
was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you
taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you
weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was
sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he
could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Added: Wednesday 25th November 2009 00:00:01

DUI?

Two drivers collided on a country road. One was a lawyer, and the other was a doctor.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his whiskey flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman and Curtis

Added: Thursday 19th November 2009 00:00:01

A LOVE FOR MATERIAL GOODS

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Added: Wednesday 18th November 2009 00:00:01

DEMISE OF A PARTNER

One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.

When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.

After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.

The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.

St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."

Added: Friday 13th November 2009 00:00:01

PUNISHMENT

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Added: Wednesday 11th November 2009 06:00:01

WHERE'S MY ROLEX

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Added: Monday 9th November 2009 00:00:01

YOU WITNESSED THE RO

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes" "What was stolen?"

"Two televisions" "Did you see the thiefs?"

"Yes" "Could you identify them?"

"Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands. What's a defense attorney to do? :)

Added: Sunday 1st November 2009 12:00:01

STEAL FROM LAWYERS

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"

Added: Saturday 31st October 2009 06:00:01

BASTARD IN FAMILY

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Added: Tuesday 27th October 2009 06:00:01

BLIND ANIMALS

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.

One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was.

He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Added: Sunday 25th October 2009 12:00:01

WHAT TYPE OF TRACKS?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Added: Sunday 25th October 2009 06:00:01

LAWYERS AND SHARKS

Question: Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
Answer: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.

Added: Saturday 24th October 2009 06:00:01

BRAIN TRANSPLANT

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Added: Thursday 15th October 2009 12:00:01

CORRUPTION

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Added: Saturday 3rd October 2009 00:00:01

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD LAWYER AND A GREAT LAWYER?

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Added: Wednesday 30th September 2009 06:00:01

HALLS OF JUSTICE

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"

Added: Tuesday 29th September 2009 12:00:01

HOW LAWYERS DO IT

How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Added: Sunday 27th September 2009 00:00:01

THE HANDICAPPED LAWY

Did you know that lots of lawyers put copies of their JD degrees on their dashboards?

That way they get to park in the spots reserved for the handicapped.

Added: Saturday 19th September 2009 06:00:01

BAD JUROR

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is
under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a
'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I
came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I
did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot
him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

Added: Saturday 12th September 2009 00:00:01

LAWYER ONE LINERS #2

** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Added: Saturday 5th September 2009 12:00:02

I KNOW HIM

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Added: Friday 4th September 2009 18:00:01

SLEEP IN THE BARN

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Added: Friday 4th September 2009 00:00:01

REPLACING LAB RATS WITH LAWYERS

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Added: Wednesday 19th August 2009 00:00:01

SWAT IN THE HEAD

A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

*The Court:* You mean read it?

*Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

*The Court:* Well, it does say that.

(Pause.)

*The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed.

*Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes.

(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)

*Mr. Buck:* But Judge...

*The Court:* Next witness.

*Mr. Buck:* We object.

*The Court:* Sustained. Next witness.

End transcript.

Added: Monday 17th August 2009 18:00:02

LIKE HELL!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Added: Monday 17th August 2009 12:00:01

DEFINITION OF ...

What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

When there was an empty seat.

Added: Tuesday 11th August 2009 06:00:05

SOBER AS A JUDGE

A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of London's finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.

"Charles" she bellowed.

"What on EARTH have you been doing?"

Thinking on his feet, he replied "Oh...... a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evening's excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning."

Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that he'd need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.

"Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?"

she asked.

"Well" he replied.

"He hasn't appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but I'll give him three months in prison for sure."

"Frankly Charles, I think you'd better give him six months -- he's shit in your trousers as well!"

Added: Tuesday 4th August 2009 12:00:02

THE LONG LINE

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

Added: Tuesday 4th August 2009 06:00:03

4 DOCTORS

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Added: Sunday 2nd August 2009 12:00:02

AT THE PEARLY GATES

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Added: Sunday 2nd August 2009 06:00:04

LAWYER LIGHTBULB

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

Added: Saturday 1st August 2009 00:00:01

VALENTINES'S DAY

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Thursday 30th July 2009 18:00:01

LAWYERS APPEAL

VACATION

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Added: Friday 24th July 2009 00:00:01

DUNLOP RUBBERS

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

Added: Tuesday 21st July 2009 06:00:04

MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

Added: Monday 20th July 2009 18:00:01

BEST IN THE WORLD

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."

Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.

All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas.

Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..".

Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window.

Again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..

Added: Monday 13th July 2009 00:00:01

ENEMA

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Added: Friday 10th July 2009 00:00:01

THAT'S NOT FAIR

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 8th July 2009 06:00:03

BRIBERY 2

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Added: Monday 6th July 2009 06:00:03

NEW LAWYER

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 18:00:01

DIVORCE

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Sunday 28th June 2009 00:00:01

KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1: "The judge told him."

Added: Friday 26th June 2009 12:00:02

WRONG PLACE

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 20th June 2009 12:00:01

NYC MIRANDA RIGHTS

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them.....

1. No, I don't care who you are. 2. No, I don't care who you know. 3. Yes... you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes... you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can't give you a break. 9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can't talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

Added: Friday 19th June 2009 18:00:01

VIRGIN WIFE

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

Added: Thursday 18th June 2009 06:00:04

LAWYERS BRAINS

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Added: Saturday 13th June 2009 00:00:01

GUESS WHO?

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Added: Monday 1st June 2009 00:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Added: Sunday 31st May 2009 18:00:01

LAWYER VS GOOSE

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 27th May 2009 18:00:01

LAWYERS ON A FLIGHT

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

Added: Sunday 24th May 2009 18:00:01

CRIMINAL LAW

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A lawyer.

Added: Friday 22nd May 2009 00:00:01

TWO IN ONE GRAVE

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Added: Wednesday 20th May 2009 18:00:02

ENGINEER

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 16th May 2009 18:00:02

DOG STEALS ROAST

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Added: Friday 15th May 2009 06:00:03

3 QUESTIONS

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Yisman

Added: Thursday 14th May 2009 00:00:01

TOPLESS MODELS

Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his client's case for an injunction said, "The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I don't know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?"

"Do I need to be?"

replied the judge.

"I don't think so," said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word 'topless' in discussing glamour modelling.

"It means precisely the opposite," he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is "remarkable - as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean".

"If you cut the top off, it wouldn't be very interesting - what's more they would be dead. It's clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids," he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996

Added: Tuesday 12th May 2009 12:00:01

HELPING A CRIMINAL

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Added: Thursday 7th May 2009 00:00:01

A LAWYER AT THE SCENE

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto
accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards,
and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."

Added: Tuesday 5th May 2009 18:00:02

HERE'S YOUR FEE SCHEDULE

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."

Added: Monday 4th May 2009 12:00:01

CORRUPTION

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Monday 4th May 2009 06:00:04

I WANT TO TAKE MONEY WITH ME

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Added: Wednesday 29th April 2009 00:00:02

PREGNANCY

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, you must help me," she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? " The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, "You foolish woman - of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from...?"

Added: Sunday 26th April 2009 18:00:01

THE PEARLY GATES

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!"

Added: Friday 24th April 2009 12:00:02

TWO QUESTIONS

"You're a high priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Wednesday 22nd April 2009 00:00:01

DADS A LAWYER

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Submitted by Calamjo

Added: Friday 10th April 2009 00:00:01

CONTRACT WITH THE DE

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Added: Wednesday 8th April 2009 06:00:04

STUDENT DEBT

Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.

"No," he replied. "I paid that back right after my first case."

"Really," said the interviewer.
"What case was that?"

"Uh--well, my dad sued me for it and won."

Added: Wednesday 8th April 2009 00:00:02

BE CAREFUL WHEN ROBBING LAWYERS

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their
money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!
We had $100 when we broke in!"

Added: Monday 6th April 2009 18:00:04

DURY DUTY

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."

Added: Monday 6th April 2009 12:00:01

ENGINEER GOES TO HEL

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Added: Saturday 4th April 2009 12:00:01

APPEAL

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Added: Thursday 2nd April 2009 18:00:02

ST. PETER

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.

The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.

The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."

St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Added: Friday 27th March 2009 18:00:01

A LAWYER DIED

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?.

The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Added: Sunday 22nd March 2009 18:00:01

HEAVEN

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."

St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."

Added: Sunday 22nd March 2009 06:00:05

PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?"

asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Added: Wednesday 18th March 2009 18:00:01

TRUST

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial which went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Added: Tuesday 17th March 2009 18:00:02

OVER BILLED

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Monday 16th March 2009 06:00:04

WHO WOULD STEAL?

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Added: Sunday 8th March 2009 18:00:01

ELDERLY SPINSTER

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyer's first question was,
"Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed
under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the
County bury her!"

Added: Saturday 7th March 2009 06:00:06

LANGAUGE

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"

Added: Tuesday 3rd March 2009 18:00:03

DIRTY TASTE...

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again.

The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Sunday 1st March 2009 06:00:03

THE BRONZE STATUES

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Added: Friday 27th February 2009 00:00:02

ONCE A LAWYER ... ALWAYS A LAWYER

Two lawyers were walking down the street, when they saw a
beautiful,
voluptious woman.

"See that woman?" asked the first lawyer "I would really
like to screw her!"

The second lawyer looked at him and asked, "Out of what?"

Added: Saturday 21st February 2009 06:00:01

LAWYER ONE-LINERS

What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their
personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a
lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does
the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for
what is essentially the same service. What do you have
when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? *
Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead
skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the
road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What
is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A
Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one
side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in
common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human
being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled
their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on
them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit
on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven
broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a
pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers
skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get
when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? *
Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why
should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your
bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer
and an old drunk are walking down the street together when
they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are
mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How
cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in
his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and
inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three
questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?"
asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a
tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two
bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer.
Twice.

Added: Monday 16th February 2009 12:00:01

OUNCES OF BRAIN FOR SALE

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Added: Thursday 12th February 2009 12:00:01

YOU'RE A LAWYER IF

You Might Be A Lawyer If....

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Added: Thursday 12th February 2009 06:00:06

LAWYER JOB INTERVIEW

It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes
each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In
seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I
was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a
lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law,
that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I
wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did
you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert
replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in
either of them!"

Added: Saturday 7th February 2009 00:00:01

GATES OF HEAVEN

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

...And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

Added: Wednesday 4th February 2009 06:00:04

10 HUSBANDS, STILL A

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?"

said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Added: Monday 26th January 2009 18:00:01

A LAWYER AND AN ENGINEER

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer puzzedly asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Added: Monday 26th January 2009 06:00:03

A KIND LAWYER

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

Added: Sunday 18th January 2009 00:00:04

LAWYER IN HELL

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

Added: Sunday 11th January 2009 06:00:02

DYSLEXIC LAWYER

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam?

Added: Sunday 28th December 2008 06:00:02

CATCH A THIEF

The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

Added: Thursday 25th December 2008 06:00:02

HEADLINE - FREE LEGAL ADVICE

Newspaper Headline:

"Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice"

Added: Wednesday 24th December 2008 06:00:01

TESTIFYING

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Added: Thursday 18th December 2008 06:00:01

ONE LAST TRY

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

``Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Added: Thursday 18th December 2008 00:00:01

THE HIS ARM IS NOT HIMSELF DEFENSE

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and
walked out.

Added: Friday 5th December 2008 18:00:01

LAWYER QUICKIES 6

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?

Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Added: Monday 24th November 2008 12:00:02

LAWYER'S DEATH BED

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't
take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance
chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his
money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to
the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic
and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way
to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten
pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she
exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the
basement."

Added: Saturday 22nd November 2008 00:00:01

$100,000

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

Added: Sunday 16th November 2008 00:00:01

RULES FOR HUNTING LAWYERS

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1.	Yellow Bellied Sidewinder	2
2.	Two-faced Tort Feasor	3
3.	Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator	5
4.	Big-mouthed Pub Gut	2
5.	Honest Attorney	EXTINCT
6.	Cut-throat	2
7.	Back-stabbing Whiner	2
8.	Brown-nosed Judge Kisser	2
9.	Silver-tongued Drug Defender	$100 bounty

Added: Saturday 15th November 2008 12:00:01

THE PIANO PLAYER

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class
about there parent's occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, "My mother is a nurse".

The teacher said, "That's wonderful, she helps to cure sick
people."

Andrew then out up his hand. "My father is a pilot," he
said.

The teacher said, "Congratulations! Your father helps people
get to where they are going."

Johnny then said, "Miss, my father plays the piano in a
brothel."

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her
head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnny's parents
came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he
really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnny's father replied that he wasn't. But that is what he
told Johnny because he didn't want to admit to being a lawyer.

Added: Monday 10th November 2008 12:00:02

GET MONEY TO HEAVEN

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Added: Sunday 9th November 2008 12:00:02

EX-WIFES LAWYER

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer.

The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

Added: Sunday 9th November 2008 06:00:01

HONEST LAWYER

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"

asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

Added: Wednesday 5th November 2008 00:00:01

DEFENCE LAWYERS

ETHICAL PROBLEM

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

Added: Monday 27th October 2008 06:00:02

EXPERT ADVICE

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Added: Friday 24th October 2008 06:00:02

GET AWAY WITH MURDER

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

Added: Tuesday 21st October 2008 00:00:02

TAKING IT WITH YOU

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Added: Sunday 12th October 2008 12:00:01

LAWYER RAOD KILL

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.

One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.

Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.

After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.

As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.

Surprised upon hearing a loud 'thump' as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.

"I'm so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver plead.

"You did my son, but I got him with the door!" gleed the Nun.

Added: Wednesday 8th October 2008 06:00:01

CHARITABLE LAWYER

A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation.

The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller: "I bet you weren't aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren't covered by insurance."

The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in, "And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her."

Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died.

"Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died.....and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face," the lawyer added to the conversation.

The caller again felt bad and regretted having bothered the lawyer for taking up his time and apologized to him.

The lawyer then responded, "And if I didn't give any of these people my money, why should I give some to you?"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 6th October 2008 00:00:01

BURIED IN SAND

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

Added: Thursday 2nd October 2008 12:00:01

YOUR LAWYER IS DEAD

A man called his law firm and asked the
receptionist if he could speak to
his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr.
Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was
dead.

The next day, the man rang again and
and asked if he could talk to his lawyer
Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was
sorry but she had already told him a
hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, I know that, I just like hearing it!

Added: Friday 12th September 2008 18:00:01

LAWYER & SPERM

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

They both hope to be human someday.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Thursday 11th September 2008 12:00:01

LAWYER AT BEACH

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, "Boy, wouldn't you like to screw her?"

Lawyer #2 then asks, "Screw her out of what?"

Added: Tuesday 9th September 2008 18:00:01

GUESS WHO?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 18:00:01

AN HONEST LAWYER

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she
realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began
interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one
of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our
personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned
forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you
something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me fifteen thousand
dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried
my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me
for the money."

Added: Wednesday 27th August 2008 06:00:01

CROSS EYED LAW

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, "so how do you plead?",

"Not guilty" said the second defendant.

"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.

"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.

Added: Sunday 24th August 2008 12:00:01

OFFER LEGAL ADVICE

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

Added: Saturday 16th August 2008 18:00:01

WHAT'S THE CATCH

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.

All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Thursday 14th August 2008 12:00:01

CHARITABLE DONATION

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that mybrother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

Added: Tuesday 12th August 2008 12:00:01

LEGAL LAUGHS

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Added: Saturday 9th August 2008 06:00:02

LAWYERS V. THE BEAR

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a
vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled
out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy!
You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have
to outrun you."

Added: Thursday 7th August 2008 12:00:01

CORRUPTION TRIAL

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Curtis

Added: Monday 4th August 2008 12:00:01

AN HONEST LAWYER

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Added: Sunday 3rd August 2008 00:00:02

TAX'S FOR THE DEAD

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.

In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to pay tax's over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate.

The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and walked away in tears.

The car salesman did the same.

The lawyer looked around and seeing no one was near the coffin, he took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Added: Wednesday 30th July 2008 06:00:01

WISHES AT LAW OFFICE

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Added: Tuesday 29th July 2008 00:00:01

AN OUNCE OF BRAINS

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.

It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce.

A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.

And a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 19th July 2008 12:00:01

I NEED HIS PLACE

The telephone rang late one night at the governor's mansion. After a long argument the aide who took the call reluctantly agreed to wake the governor.
"What's so damned important it couldn't wait until morning?" demanded the governor.

"Judge Ferret just died," explained the aide, "and this lawyer wants to take his place."

The governor smiled grimly. "Well, you just tell him that if it's okay with the undertaker, it's okay with me."

Added: Thursday 17th July 2008 06:00:01

TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Added: Tuesday 15th July 2008 00:00:01

WHY ARE LAWYERS BURIED TWELVE FET DOWN?

Why are lawyers buried twelve feet in the ground instead of
six? Because deep down they are really nice people

Added: Monday 14th July 2008 12:00:01

GOOSE VS DUCK

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 14th July 2008 00:00:02

GUILTY?

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Wednesday 9th July 2008 12:00:02

SNEAKY LAWYER

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.'

'Well put, ' the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Added: Thursday 3rd July 2008 12:00:01

AIRPLANE TROUBLE

WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S NAME?

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

Added: Monday 30th June 2008 00:00:02

LAWYER QUICKIES 5

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Added: Saturday 28th June 2008 18:00:01

12 FEET DEEP

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
Because deep down they really are good people.

Added: Wednesday 18th June 2008 18:00:01

COURT WITNESS

The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, "Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?"

"I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy," she responded. "Actually, you've been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you're some big shot, when in reality you're nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you."

Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he's lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him."

The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, "If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Friday 13th June 2008 06:00:02

SHARING ON THE TRAIN

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry, we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman

Added: Wednesday 11th June 2008 06:00:02

AFTER SURGERY

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Added: Monday 9th June 2008 06:00:02

LAWYERS ADVICE

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."

So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air."

George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer."

"How can you tell?", inquires Harry.

George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

Added: Tuesday 3rd June 2008 12:00:02

GANG OF ROBBERS

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club
by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight
for their life and their money. The gang was
very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got
$25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear
of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

Added: Friday 30th May 2008 00:00:02

A LAWYER'S PERSPECTIVE

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and
completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911,
and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he
had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined
and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop
did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers
are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Added: Thursday 29th May 2008 12:00:03

EATING GRASS

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

Added: Tuesday 27th May 2008 18:00:02

WHO OWNS THE COWS?

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."

"Don’t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

Added: Thursday 22nd May 2008 06:00:03

YOU KNOW IT'S COLD WHEN . . .

You know it's cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in
his OWN pockets!

Added: Tuesday 20th May 2008 12:00:03

HOME DISTILLED LIQUO

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?"

He was acquitted.

Added: Monday 19th May 2008 12:00:02

STUPID ATTORNEYS

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."

Added: Wednesday 7th May 2008 18:00:02

BURIED IN SAND

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Added: Tuesday 6th May 2008 18:00:02

HISTORY OF LAWYERS

Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Added: Saturday 3rd May 2008 06:00:02

CONSULTATION FEES

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Added: Tuesday 22nd April 2008 18:00:02

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Added: Saturday 19th April 2008 12:00:03

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Added: Friday 18th April 2008 18:00:02

NASA MARS MISSION

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

Added: Thursday 17th April 2008 00:00:02

THRIFTY LAWYER

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice. It read: Legal Consultation Service $150

Added: Friday 11th April 2008 06:00:02

HONEST LAWYER

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Monday 31st March 2008 12:00:02

SURGERY

Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.

"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

says the first.

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon.

"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded."

The fourth one said, ""I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable"

Added: Saturday 29th March 2008 00:00:03

JURY DUTY

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor", he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!"

Added: Sunday 23rd March 2008 12:00:06

JUSTICE PREVAILED

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!"

Added: Tuesday 18th March 2008 12:00:02

SEASHORE WITH FAMILY

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.

"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

Added: Monday 17th March 2008 18:00:01

LAWERS IN CONTEMPT

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, "Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > "She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. I've known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think you're a rising > > > big shot when you > > > haven't the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, "Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?"

She > > > again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man can't build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him."

The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, "If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > you'll be jailed for > > > contempt!"

Added: Saturday 15th March 2008 00:00:02

SUSHI BAR

Have you heard about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Wednesday 12th March 2008 18:00:03

YOU WON'T GO TO JAIL

BURGLARY DEFENCE

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Added: Saturday 8th March 2008 06:00:03

LAWYER VACANCY

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

Added: Thursday 6th March 2008 18:00:03

OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM

Judge Michael Walker, October 1997 To a 14 yr. old girl defendant in a rape case. If your going to sulk like a baby we are not going to get very far

Judge William Crawford, March 1997 I know people with duodenal ulcers who work like niggers

Judge Raymond Dean, 1990(My personal favourite) In a rape trial when a woman says no, she doesnt neserceraly mean it

Judge Ian Starforth Hill Of an 8yr old girl who had been sexually assaulted not entirely an angel herself

Judge Michael Addison A defendants crime was not of the more serious type because he knew his victim

Judge John Prosser Order £500 compensation to a 15yr old rape victim saying that it should be spent on a good holiday to get over the trauma

His Hounour Major Michael Argyle You come from Derby, my part of the country, off you go and dont come before my court again. (Huh is that Legal???)

Judge Harrol Cassel Sentenced a man to 2yrs probation for sexually assaulting his 12yr old stepdaughter because his wifes pregnancy had caused a lack of sexual appetite in the lady and considerable problems for a healthy young husband

Judge Justice Leonard Claimed that the trauma of Ealing Vicarage victim, virgin Jill Saward was not so very great

Judge Arthur Myerson Gave a rapist a 3yr sentence. The defendant had used a condom during the rape which Mr Myerson said showed concern for his victim???

Mr Justice Rougier Described a rape victim as over emotional after her former lover raped her. He sentenced the man to 2yrs and said : I dont think it was such a shock to her as it may be to other women.

Added: Thursday 6th March 2008 06:00:02

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their
parents did for a
living.

Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"

Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"

Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player
in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she
made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.

When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually, I'm an attorney, but how am I supposed to explain
that to a seven year old?"

Added: Wednesday 5th March 2008 00:00:02

NEWEST HORROR MOVIE

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"

It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

Added: Monday 25th February 2008 18:00:01

SHOT DUCK

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

Added: Friday 22nd February 2008 00:00:02

STILL A VIRGIN

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Monday 18th February 2008 12:00:02

SHIPWRECK

Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing
boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the
boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will
all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the
shark infested waters so that the other two may live.

The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of
him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the
two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says "I have
spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive
the ocean." He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the
sharks.

A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat
being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore,
and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer,
and says "hey, what was that all about?"

The lawyer says "Professional courtesy."

Added: Monday 18th February 2008 06:00:02

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk.

"I want to fatten it up as fast as possible" she said.

Sally got the job

Added: Wednesday 13th February 2008 12:00:02

LAWYER AT BEACH

JOB SEEKING

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position.

Sorry, said the President, but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.

Added: Saturday 9th February 2008 06:00:01

ASK YOUR QUESTION

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

Added: Thursday 7th February 2008 12:00:03

BRIBING THE JUDGE

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll
be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt
like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold
you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in
favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse,
he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.
It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have
lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case . . . good thing I
remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Added: Monday 28th January 2008 06:00:03

INTRODUCE LAWYERS

SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Added: Monday 21st January 2008 18:00:01

CHAOS

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?"

Added: Monday 21st January 2008 12:00:01

ON DEATH'S DOOR

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"

The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Added: Friday 11th January 2008 06:00:03

I SUPPOSE I EARNED ENOUGH

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Added: Thursday 10th January 2008 12:00:02

LEARNING A LESSON

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

Added: Friday 4th January 2008 00:00:02

LEGAL SUSHI BAR

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called, Sosumi.

Added: Thursday 3rd January 2008 06:00:02

WERE YOU EVER ARRESTED?

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

Added: Tuesday 1st January 2008 18:00:02

TERRORISTS ATTACK

The terrorists have siezed the "Attorney Building" along with everyone in it.

They are demanding $10 Million.

But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police,
"In case you think we're not serious, if our demands aren't met, we're going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time."

Added: Thursday 20th December 2007 00:00:02

HEAVENLY ESTATE

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.

After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.

After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.

This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

Added: Sunday 16th December 2007 06:00:02

DEFENDING YOURSELF

Judge: Are you defending yourself?

Defendant: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.

Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don't want one. I plan to tell the truth.

Added: Wednesday 5th December 2007 18:00:01

HONEYMOON

Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?

Added: Wednesday 5th December 2007 06:00:02

UNFIT WORDS TO HEAR

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

Added: Sunday 2nd December 2007 00:00:02

AND LAWYER MAKES THREE

The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may
indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved
pleading the case -- the lawyer.

Added: Saturday 24th November 2007 00:00:02

HOW DO YOU STOP A LAWYER FROM DROWNING?

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A. Shoot him before he hits the water.

Added: Friday 23rd November 2007 18:00:02

EARLY DEATH?

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to
the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said,
"We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime
of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong
guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared
inside.

After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our
records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed
your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Added: Friday 23rd November 2007 06:00:03

LOAN APPLICATION

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

"Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have the lousy loan?

Added: Wednesday 21st November 2007 00:00:03

WHEN YOU KNOW YOU MUST REALLY BE DRUNK

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

Added: Monday 12th November 2007 18:00:03

THE HALF-MILLION DOLLAR PICTURE

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want
the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't
wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Added: Thursday 8th November 2007 00:00:02

THERE ARE NO HONEST LAWYERS

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

Added: Monday 5th November 2007 00:00:02

SOLVING A DISPUTE

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

Added: Sunday 4th November 2007 12:00:02

THREE QUESTIONS

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions."

replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?"

asked the man.

"Yes."

the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"

Added: Sunday 4th November 2007 00:00:01

BRIBING THE JUDGE

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by
both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket
and pulled out a check. He handed
it to Leon.

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide
this case solely on its merits.

Added: Monday 29th October 2007 00:00:02

LIGHT BULB LAWYERS

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Added: Sunday 28th October 2007 12:00:02

DRINKING TOO MUCH

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

Added: Sunday 28th October 2007 06:00:02

NO MATTER WHAT

A man who was to be investigated by the Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man asked a friend, told him of the conflicting advice, and aked what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied his friend.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and was told 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

When she asked her best friend, she was told 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel'."

The man said "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IR?"

His friend replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 24th October 2007 18:00:02

VIRGIN

A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding
gown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you
can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why
not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding
and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman.
"How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all
he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a
psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My
3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't
worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get
screwed!"

Added: Wednesday 24th October 2007 06:00:02

FREE ADVICE AT SOCIAL AFFAIRS?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Added: Tuesday 23rd October 2007 12:00:01

EXCESSIVE DEMANDS

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.

"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."

"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!"

Added: Tuesday 23rd October 2007 06:00:03

GIVE HIM AN ORANGE

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

Added: Tuesday 9th October 2007 12:00:03

TELLING THE TRUTH

One juror overheard saying to another. . .

You'll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!

Added: Thursday 4th October 2007 00:00:03

CAN I TAKE HIS PLACE?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Added: Wednesday 3rd October 2007 00:00:02

PRETENDING TO BE A LAWYER

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar
and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had
a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a
lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they
were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've
only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing
someone!"

Added: Sunday 30th September 2007 18:00:05

BAD ADVICE

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.

"What's the matter?"

he asked of his friend, "did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

Added: Wednesday 26th September 2007 12:00:01

LAWYER ONE LINERS #1

** How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

Added: Friday 21st September 2007 00:00:03

DID YOU MAKE A DONATION?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Added: Thursday 20th September 2007 12:00:02

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Added: Sunday 16th September 2007 06:00:01

BLIND JUSTICE

A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"

Added: Tuesday 11th September 2007 18:00:02

PRISON CELL GRAFFITI

For a good time, hire a hooker,

For a lot of time, hire my attorney.

--Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti

Added: Saturday 8th September 2007 12:00:02

NEW LAW OFFICE

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"Nothing," replied the young man.
"I'm just here to hook up your phone."

Added: Wednesday 5th September 2007 06:00:01

DEATH'S DOOR

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live.

The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night.

So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed.

Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him.

The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

Added: Wednesday 29th August 2007 00:00:02

LAWYER ONE LINERS #3

** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

Added: Sunday 12th August 2007 18:00:02

HUNGRY GATOR

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

"Do you serve lawyers in here?", the man inquires.

"Sure do!", replied the bartender.

"Great!", the man said. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."

Added: Monday 6th August 2007 18:00:02

CAR THIEF

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Added: Saturday 28th July 2007 06:00:02

NEW STAMP

Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?

The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Submitted Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Monday 23rd July 2007 06:00:01

LAWYER QUICKIES 4

Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
A: Respect.

Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A: They're all slime.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death.

Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas have some dignity.

Added: Friday 20th July 2007 18:00:02

DOG COMPETITION

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.

The doctor said, "Stethascope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!" (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said.

"Loop-hole, go!" The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

Added: Wednesday 11th July 2007 12:00:02

LIAR

A priest was called to the house of an elderly attorney.
"How is the patient?" he asked the doctor.

"I'm afraid he's lying at death's door."

The priest sighed. "Poor soul. Going to meet his maker, and he's still lying."

Added: Tuesday 3rd July 2007 12:00:04

THE DEVIL VISITS AN ATTORNEY

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when
the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in
awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and
the souls of your children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So,
what's the catch?"

Added: Tuesday 3rd July 2007 00:00:02

THE LAWYER AND THE D

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Added: Tuesday 26th June 2007 00:00:01

YOU'VE CHANGED MY MIND

Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t."

Added: Sunday 24th June 2007 06:00:03

THE JURY

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel.

Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury.

The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled.

And the trial went very quickly, after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested.

The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict.

The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes.

He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?"

The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw

Added: Wednesday 20th June 2007 00:00:02

GETTING A LITTLE QUE

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

"What do you mean?"

asked the attorney.

"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

Added: Monday 18th June 2007 06:00:02

ACTUAL STUPID QUESTIONS ASKED

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Added: Thursday 7th June 2007 12:00:02

TRYING TO BE IMPRESSIVE

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Added: Friday 25th May 2007 12:00:03

BARRISTER

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, "Look, Piers, I don't care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, I'm not going in. Especially silks. I'm sick of them all.."

"Agreed, Tarquin," replied the other, "I'm with you all the way on that. I'd rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C."

And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.

"One moment, St. Peter," said Piers as the gates swung wide, "just one thing - We're sick of Barristers - are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off..."

"Certainly not!" Cried St. Pete, "You're quite safe - no barristers in here..

" Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi - St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, "You said there were no barristers here.."

"There aren't," stammered St. Peter "Well who's the silk in with the long beard, then?"

demanded the outraged lawyer.

"Oh," Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, "That's not a barrister! That's God. He just thinks he's a barrister.."

Added: Tuesday 22nd May 2007 00:00:02

AN HONEST LAWYER?

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?"

replied the job prospect.

"Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Added: Tuesday 15th May 2007 00:00:02

LAWYER IN A PLANE CRASH

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their
seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was
buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Added: Monday 14th May 2007 00:00:01

DROWNING LAWYERS

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good!

Added: Saturday 12th May 2007 06:00:02

A JUDGE, BORED AND FRUSTRATED BY A LAWYER'S TEDIOUS ARGUMENT

TOMBSTONE

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Added: Tuesday 1st May 2007 18:00:03

KEEP THAT A SECRET

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."

"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

Added: Tuesday 24th April 2007 00:00:03

EXCESS BILLING HOURS

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Added: Friday 20th April 2007 18:00:06

JURY DEFINED

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

Added: Monday 16th April 2007 12:00:02

FROM ANOTHER PLANET

NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.

But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.

Added: Saturday 14th April 2007 12:00:03

MERRY CHRISTMAS LAW

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

Added: Thursday 12th April 2007 00:00:01

TOP 10 THINGS IN LAW THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

1. Have you looked through her briefs?

2. He's one hard judge!

3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!

4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!

5. Is it a penal offense?

6. Better leave the handcuffs on

7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

8. Can you get him to drop his suit?

9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!

10. Think you can get me off

Added: Wednesday 11th April 2007 18:00:10

PLUMBER

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber.

The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies sympathetically, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 9th April 2007 06:00:02

LAWYER'S CLUB

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"

Added: Friday 6th April 2007 18:00:02

STILL A VIRGIN

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Added: Tuesday 27th March 2007 00:00:02

INCREASE

An old man operated a street corner pretzel stand, selling the pretzels for a quarter each.

Each day at lunch time, a young lawyer would pass the stand, leave the man twenty-five cents, but never take a pretzel.

This continued for a number of years and throughout that time, they had never spoken.

One day as the lawyer passed the pretzel stand, he left his quarter as usual and the old man finally spoke to him.

"Sir, I do appreciate your business and you've been an excellent customer, but I must tell you that the price for the pretzels has increased to thirty-five cents."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 26th March 2007 18:44:18

OLD AGE EYESIGHT

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Added: Thursday 22nd March 2007 06:00:02

BRIBE THE JURY

Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict. When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."

Added: Saturday 17th March 2007 18:00:02

LIKE TO F#CK HER!

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them.

"What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 14th March 2007 06:00:04

LIGHT BULB

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, one to sue the ladder company.

Added: Tuesday 13th March 2007 18:00:03

LAWYERS

Why do lawyers where neck ties? So their foreskin doesn't
slip up over their head.

Added: Monday 12th March 2007 06:00:04

TAKE NO CHANCES

The lawyer cabled his client overseas:

"Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."

Added: Sunday 11th March 2007 18:00:03

LATE AGAIN

A secretary comes in late for work for the third day in a row, so her boss calls her into his office.

"Look, Sharon," he says irritably. "I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that, just because we had an affair, you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon lights up a cigarette and says, "My lawyer."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Friday 9th March 2007 06:00:02

DADDY'S JOB

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Added: Wednesday 7th March 2007 00:00:02

IN LAWYER YEARS

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Added: Tuesday 6th March 2007 06:00:01

EXAMINATION

Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Dcotor: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

Added: Thursday 1st March 2007 12:00:02

LAWYER QUICKIES 2

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Added: Sunday 25th February 2007 18:00:02

EXTERMINATING LAWYER

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he'd had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door!

Added: Tuesday 20th February 2007 18:00:04

A LAWYER'S ETHICAL DILEMMA

A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man
paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client
left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together
-- he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?

Added: Monday 19th February 2007 18:00:02

QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?A: Not enough cement.Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Added: Thursday 15th February 2007 18:00:02

JURY FIXING

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

Added: Saturday 3rd February 2007 18:00:02

REAL THINGS SAID IN COURT

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Added: Saturday 3rd February 2007 00:00:02

4 SURGEONS

4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.

The first one said," I like operating on librarians because
when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized." The
second one said," I prefer working on Accountants because you
open them up, and everything is numbered." The third
Surgeon said," I really like operating on mechanics because
they understand if you have parts left over."

The Fourth said," I like working on Lawyers." everone else
asked why?.

He said, " You open them up, and you find they are
spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are
interchangable!"

Added: Tuesday 30th January 2007 19:05:49

BITES

Why don't sharkes and snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

Added: Sunday 21st January 2007 00:00:02

BLIND ANIMALS

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Added: Thursday 18th January 2007 18:00:02

A NEW YORK LAWYER

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Added: Wednesday 17th January 2007 00:00:02

WHAT AND WHO AM I?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Added: Monday 8th January 2007 18:00:03

RUNNING OVER LAWYERS

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door!

Added: Sunday 7th January 2007 00:00:02

ADVICE FROM LAWYERS

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Added: Friday 5th January 2007 18:00:02

CROSS EXAMINED

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Friday 5th January 2007 12:00:03

BLACK & BROWN

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman pinscher.

Added: Friday 5th January 2007 06:00:02

SLACKING OFF

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

Added: Wednesday 3rd January 2007 06:00:02

GENEROUS LAWYER

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Added: Thursday 28th December 2006 12:00:02

LAWYER'S DOG

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

Added: Sunday 24th December 2006 12:00:02

SPACE PHOTOGRAPHY

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Added: Sunday 24th December 2006 06:00:02

LAWYER'S APPEAL

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Thursday 21st December 2006 12:00:02

LAWYERS TAKE EVERYTHING

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

Added: Saturday 16th December 2006 18:00:02

LAWYERS VACATION

For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.

During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper's daughter.

Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.

Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.

"You know I would have have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider."

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Saturday 25th November 2006 18:00:02

DON'T MESS WITH

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No"

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, "Take me young man".

Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fool!.. And that's when I shot him."

Added: Tuesday 21st November 2006 00:00:03

OH, THOSE DARN LAWYE

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Added: Friday 17th November 2006 18:00:02

TRUST

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Added: Sunday 12th November 2006 06:00:02

MY DAD

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Added: Sunday 12th November 2006 00:00:03

RULES ARE RULES

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then
they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told
them, "You
can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then
exchanged sandwiches.

Added: Friday 10th November 2006 06:00:02

STANDING IN LINE

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."

"Are you crazy?"

says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"

Added: Monday 6th November 2006 06:00:02

WHY SHOULD I NOT GET

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Added: Saturday 4th November 2006 12:00:02

INSURANCE

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all
I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid
for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for
this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.

Added: Thursday 2nd November 2006 06:00:02

I'LL SCREW ANYBODY

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed
woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going
tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody at any time, any where . . . your place
or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law
firm do you work for?"

Added: Tuesday 31st October 2006 12:00:02

MORAL DILEMMA?

A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it.

Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or not to tell his partner.

Added: Tuesday 10th October 2006 06:00:02

LAWYERS IN THE PARK

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.

So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked "Why did you shoot the female? - it was the male that ate my friend"

So the Ranger replies "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

Added: Thursday 5th October 2006 18:00:02

LAWYER PRIORITIES

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center, when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities."

Added: Wednesday 4th October 2006 06:00:02

TRY

judge gave a defendant 40 years in the pen. the man pleaded "judge i can't do 40 years!".the judge answered "well go on up there and do the best you can."

Added: Tuesday 26th September 2006 00:00:04

TWO LIONS

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.

The other lion asked him, "Why are you licking your asshole?"

The second lion replied, "Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Added: Thursday 21st September 2006 06:00:07

BAD NEWS OR TERRIBLE NEWS FIRST

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want
the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't
wait to hear
the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Added: Thursday 14th September 2006 18:00:02

OUNCES OF BRAIN FOR SALE

HEART TRANSPLANT

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Added: Wednesday 13th September 2006 12:00:02

LAWYERS MAKE BAD NEIGHBORS

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the
counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to
a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor
and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher
shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail
for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation
Service: $150

Added: Tuesday 12th September 2006 06:00:03

LEAVING MONEY FOR THE DEAD

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Added: Sunday 10th September 2006 18:00:02

THE ELEPHANT AND THE TIGER

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when he
heard something. He turned around and saw a tiger following
him and eating his droppings. The elephant turned and said,
"What the hell are you doing, eating my crap?"

The tiger replied, "I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to
get rid of the taste."

Added: Saturday 2nd September 2006 18:00:02

FUNERAL PLANS

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office
and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about
having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone
all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out.
Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney
who agreed and he went to the spinster's home
for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you
please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like
them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and
accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings
account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you
like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you,
I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed
me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to
provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you
will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be
noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may
not have taken much
note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never
married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact
I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to
use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer
said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and
get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling
his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird
request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house
with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to
agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive
you over
tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're
finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.
She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out.
So she blew the car
horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window
opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me
up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

Added: Tuesday 15th August 2006 18:00:03

LAWYER IN A TREE

How do you get a lawyer down from a tree...? Cut the rope..

Added: Tuesday 15th August 2006 00:00:06

LAWYER'S QUESTIO

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice.

"Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Added: Sunday 13th August 2006 12:00:08

CONSULTATION FEES

KNOWING THE FACTS

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance

Added: Saturday 5th August 2006 00:00:04

LAWYERS TASTE LIKE ........??

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in
single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for
a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.
A few moments later, the front tiger feels what
seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied
just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of
this action, but doesn't want to start anything
by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels
the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and
asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the
butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about
that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to
get the taste out of my mouth."

Added: Tuesday 25th July 2006 00:00:02

TERMINAL LAWYER

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Added: Tuesday 18th July 2006 11:49:14

GODFATHER

What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.

Added: Sunday 9th July 2006 05:51:15

THE DEVIL'S OFFER

DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Added: Sunday 25th June 2006 23:54:16

10 HUSBANDS, STILL A VIRGIN

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Added: Tuesday 20th June 2006 00:57:21

THE PRETZEL LADY

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

" Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

Added: Saturday 17th June 2006 17:52:51

NECTIE

What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

A lawyer's necktie.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 14th June 2006 00:14:29

SURGERY

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Tuesday 13th June 2006 12:14:28

CHOICES, CHOICES

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Added: Tuesday 13th June 2006 06:14:29

ONE IN A MILLION

What does a lawyer have in common with a spermatozoa?

They both have about one chance in a million of becoming a human being.

Added: Thursday 1st June 2006 18:14:21

A NEW USE FOR LAWYERS

Society has found a new use for lawyers. From now on we are
going to use them in place of lab rats.

There are three reasons for this.

First, there are more lawyers than there are rats.

Second, some people get attached to rats.

Third, there's just some things a rat will not do.

Added: Saturday 27th May 2006 06:14:17

CAUGHT WITH A SMOKING GUN

She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even
been discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand.

During his summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the
basis that the
lady was now a widow.

Added: Saturday 27th May 2006 00:14:17

FIGHT TO WIN A CASE

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

Added: Saturday 20th May 2006 17:52:18

FREE HAIRCUTS

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Added: Tuesday 16th May 2006 23:52:16

BMW

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry, I just backed into your Beemer.

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.

But I'm not."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Sunday 14th May 2006 23:52:15

WHAT IS THE OLDEST PROFESSION?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Added: Monday 1st May 2006 11:52:06

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