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INSULTS JOKES (updated Wednesday 22nd May 2013 18:00:01 EDT)
STUFF YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A COP
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in. And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic
said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin'
about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform
makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is "stick
up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively
good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You
don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you? "Bad
Cop! No Donut!" You're not gonna check the trunk, are
you? "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."
"Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the
breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and
blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's nightstand. I bet I could grab that gun
before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the
take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn
them off or I am not speaking to you. Gee,officer!
That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too! "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as
one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far
they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because
your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you
were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No,
I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak
up or just leave me alone. What do you mean 'have I
been drinking?' You're the trained specialist. Well,
when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and
gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey is
that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity
searches?
Added: Tuesday 23rd August 2011 00:00:01
IF I WERE AS UGLY AS YOU . . .
If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his behind and
make him walk backwards.
Added: Tuesday 9th August 2011 12:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Added: Saturday 6th August 2011 00:00:01
"THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY"
"The 50th Anniversary" An elderly couple decide to
celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their
honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in
the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next
morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the
nude. The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty
years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which
he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging
in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
Added: Wednesday 27th July 2011 12:00:01
SISTER
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson
Added: Sunday 12th June 2011 18:00:02
YOU ARE SO CHEAP - DOOR BELL
You are so cheap . . .
When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell,
"ding dong!"
Added: Saturday 14th May 2011 06:00:01
PEACE ON YOU
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna
Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I
don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no
understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not
fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my
room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the
manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to
the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I
say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to
Italy.
Added: Sunday 27th March 2011 06:00:01
BLIND INSPECTOR
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his
office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is
blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood
in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager
decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the
blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it
around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I
know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"
Added: Monday 21st February 2011 18:00:01
SEND IT TO THE CITY
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an
inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please,
after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do
you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and
then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you
do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles
from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those
leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as
well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
Added: Friday 4th February 2011 06:00:01
YO MAMA
Yo mama so ugly she made the grim reaper cry!
Added: Monday 3rd January 2011 18:00:01
INSULT - SISTER
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment
in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson
Added: Sunday 12th December 2010 00:00:01
BENEFICIARY
You're life is so bad, when you asked your wife who I should
be the beneficiary of your new life insurance policy, and she
said her mother.
Added: Monday 1st November 2010 06:00:01
INFLATABLE GIRLFRIEND
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
Added: Thursday 5th August 2010 18:00:01
UGLY CHILDREN
Q. What position do you have to be in to have an ugly child?
A. Go ask your mother!
Added: Wednesday 21st July 2010 00:00:01
BAD DENTAL WORK
You have so many gaps in between your teeth, your tongue
feels like it's in jail!
Added: Tuesday 13th July 2010 18:00:01
DEAD DONKEY
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant &
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"
Added: Friday 9th July 2010 18:00:01
WHERE
Where in the hell do you get your jokes? The internet?!?
Added: Monday 5th July 2010 06:00:01
TOILET PAPER
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
Added: Monday 28th June 2010 00:00:01
SISTER
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson
Added: Sunday 27th June 2010 06:00:01
TOILET PAPER
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
Added: Tuesday 22nd June 2010 12:00:01
WONDER PANTIES
She must have the new wonder panties because it's a wonder
how she got all that ass in them.
Added: Monday 14th June 2010 18:00:01
INSULT - YOU'RE SO STUPID
Your so stupid . . .
You bought a solar powered flashlight!
Added: Sunday 2nd May 2010 06:00:01
COMEBACK - YOU'RE SO SHORT
Q: What is the perfect come back when someone calls you
short?
A: I might be short but your ugly and I still have time to
grow!
Added: Thursday 15th April 2010 00:00:01
BAD HAIRCUT
When your friend says he/she got a bad haircut and the phone
rings, tell them it's "Fantastic Sam's . . . they want to
settle out of court."
Added: Friday 19th March 2010 12:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Added: Thursday 18th March 2010 18:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
Added: Wednesday 17th March 2010 00:00:01
THE CHRISTMAS BIKE
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"
"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.
The little boy replied "Yes Sir".
"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.
"Yes", said the Officer.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.
"Yes he did!" said the officer.
"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.
Added: Thursday 11th March 2010 12:00:01
ANOTHER YO MOMMA
Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Added: Friday 5th March 2010 12:00:02
YO MOMMA'S SO STUPID
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
Yo momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.
Yo momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what the number for 911 was.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dogg's holiday album.
Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo momma's so stupid, I saw her standing on an empty bus.
Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells die alone.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked you what is the number for 911.
Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma's so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma's so stupid, she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed!
Yo momma's so stupid, she called the cocaine hot line to order some.
Yo momma's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo momma's so stupid, she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid, she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo momma's so stupid, she gets lost in thought.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in Food Mart and half starved.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Yo momma's so stupid, she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma's so stupid, she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken!
Yo momma's so stupid, she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed.
Yo momma's so stupid, she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did!
Yo momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
Yo momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma's so stupid, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet!
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trians.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a hot meal is stolen food.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund!
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was change.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought manual labor was a Mexican!
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the stereo.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought socialism means partying!
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought softball was a venereal disease!
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a job cutting grass offshore.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the super bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb.
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid, she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo momma's so stupid, she went swimming to a car pool.
Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel.
Yo momma's so stupid, she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves.
Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo momma's so stupid, she wrote `M, F, sometimes Wed' under "SEX?"
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did!
Added: Saturday 6th February 2010 06:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
Added: Tuesday 2nd February 2010 18:00:01
YOU ARE SO POOR - KICKING A CAN
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked
what you were doing. You said you were moving!
Added: Monday 28th December 2009 00:00:01
3 LITTLE BOYS
Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first
little black boy says, "What would you do with a million
dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac
over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink
Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy
asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy
replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked
"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of
hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!
Added: Friday 25th December 2009 00:00:02
HOW TO PRODUCE UGLY CHILDREN
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.
Added: Sunday 6th December 2009 00:00:01
YOUR MAMA IS SO OLD...
(T)Your mama is so old.
(A)How old is she?
(T)Your mama is so old, when she breastfeeds it comes out as powder.
(A)Then add a little water.
Added: Thursday 26th November 2009 00:00:01
"GRAY HAIR"
A glimpse into our future...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Gray Hair" A senior
citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign
up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for
proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the
embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After
explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't
worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray
you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt
and was soon signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving
home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him,
smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You
would have qualified for disability too!"
Added: Friday 16th October 2009 00:00:01
WIFE IS LEAVING FOR VEGAS
A wife comes home and says to her husband, "I am moving to
Las Vegas - I hear you can get $400 for sex". The husband
runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says "I'm
coming along to see this!"
"Why?" asks the wife, "Why would you come to Las Vegas with
me?"
Husband replies, "Because I've gotta see you live on $800 a
year!"
Added: Tuesday 6th October 2009 06:00:01
REINCARNATION?
"Not that I believe in reincarnation," said the young man to
his hyperprudish date, "but what were you before you died?"
Added: Saturday 19th September 2009 12:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.
I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.
Added: Sunday 14th June 2009 12:00:01
THE DUCKS IN HEAVEN
Jake, Greg, and John all die and go to Heaven. When they get to
Heaven's gates, St. Peter says that Heaven is the best place
ever and that they may stay there for eternity and be very happy
if the just follow the one and only rule: don't step on a duck.
If you step on a duck, it starts quacking, and then they ALL
start quacking, and it's just way too much racket! Jake, Greg,
and John all think that this rule is pretty strange, but they
agree and go into Heaven. Then they see that everywhere there's
ducks. There were so many ducks that they had a hard time just
walking around in heaven.
Now Jake tried hard not to step on a duck, but he was quite
clumsy, and almost immediately he stepped on a duck. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, creating a huge
racket. Immediately St. Peter marched up to him and screamed "I
told you not to step on a duck! Now see what you did? It started
quacking, and they ALL started quacking, and it's just too much
noise!" And he chained a ferocious-looking Amazon woman onto him
to stay for all eternity as punishment.
Seeing this, Greg was VERY careful not to step on a duck. But,
after a few weeks, he stepped on one anyway. It started
quacking, then they all started quacking, and St. Peter marched
up to him. "I told you not to step on a duck!" he screamed, and
chained to him a horrid-looking shrew-like woman to stay for all
of eternity as punishment.
Now John was EXTREMELY careful not to step on a duck. Actually,
he didn't step on a duck for seven whole months! Then St. Peter
came up to him and chained to him a beautiful blonde woman for
all of eternity.
"Wow," said John, "I wonder what I did to deserve this!" "I
don't know about you," the woman said, "but I stepped on a duck!"
Added: Thursday 21st May 2009 06:00:05
YOU GOT THE WARNING
Finding one of her students making faces at
others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher
said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and
I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."
Added: Monday 27th April 2009 12:00:02
PORCH
A lady called a man to paint her porch. When he got there
she told him that everything he needed was in the garage.
The lady returned from shopping later that day and the man
said, "That's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"
Added: Wednesday 11th March 2009 18:00:01
MISC. YO MOMMA JOKES
Yo momma armpits so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!
Yo momma house so small her washcloth makes wall-to-wall carpeting.
Yo momma house so small the doormat just says "WEL"
Yo momma like Betty Crocker icing: Always ready to spread.
Yo momma like Chinese food: Sweet sour and cheap!
Yo momma like Crazy Eddie: She's practically giving it all away.
Yo momma like a 7-11. On every corner and always open.
Yo momma like a 7-UP: Never had it never will.
Yo momma like a Christmas tree: Everybody hangs balls on her.
Yo momma like a Denny's: Open 24 hours.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like a birthday cake: Everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma like a bowling ball: You can fit three fingers in.
Yo momma like a bubble gum machine: 25 cents a blow.
Yo momma like a bus: Fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a catsup bottle: Everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn.
Yo momma like a goalie: Changes pads after three periods.
Yo momma like a golf course: Everyone gets a hole in one!
Yo momma like a race car: She's always burning rubber.
Yo momma like a railroad track: Gets laid all over the country.
Yo momma like a refrigerator: Everyone puts their meat in!
Yo momma like a revolving door: Everyone gets a turn.
Yo momma like a screen door: After a couple bangs she loosens up!
Yo momma like a shotgun: Give her a cock and she blows.
Yo momma like a smokehouse: Always full of meat.
Yo momma like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away.
Yo momma like a stop sign: She's on every corner.
Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner: A real good suck.
Yo momma like a video game: Four men for a dollar!
Yo momma like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like an ice cream cone: Everyone gets a lick.
Yo momma like mustard: She spreads easy.
Yo momma like potato chips: Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy: Everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man: Everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma pubic hair is so nappy the crabs ride dune buggies.
Yo momma pussy so dry the crabs carry canteens.
Yo momma so generous that she would give all her money to a bum.
Yo momma so nasty when your daddy ate her pussy he got food poisoning.
Yo momma so poor she was kickin a can, and said she was "moving!"
Yo momma so pretty that I would love to fuck her in the ass without lube.
Yo momma so short she trips on spit.
Yo momma so small she gotta hang glide on a Dorito.
Yo momma so stinky she can knock a buzzard off a' shit wagon!
Yo momma so stinky she make Right Guard turn left!
Added: Monday 23rd February 2009 12:00:01
TWINS
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield
Added: Sunday 22nd February 2009 12:00:01
WHAT NOT TO SAY IN KANSAS
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche
that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me.
This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be
what's passing through."
Added: Wednesday 4th February 2009 18:00:01
ABNOXIOUS
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
Added: Sunday 4th January 2009 00:00:04
THE CAVE
your so fat that your belly button lokes like a cave
Added: Friday 26th December 2008 18:00:02
BAGS IN DIFFERENT PLACES
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
Added: Thursday 4th December 2008 06:00:02
HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
Added: Tuesday 25th November 2008 00:00:02
DON'T DROWNED SKINNY BOY
How do you stop an ethiopian from drowning throw him a polo
Added: Wednesday 19th November 2008 06:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
Added: Wednesday 19th November 2008 00:00:02
YOUR PROCTOLOGIST CALLED
"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"
Added: Tuesday 11th November 2008 12:00:02
IRISH QUEERS
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.
Added: Thursday 18th September 2008 18:00:01
HELEN KELLER
Helen Keller fell into a hole in the ground. She shouted
for help and no one came to her aid. She continued shouting
until her hands started to hurt.
Added: Wednesday 17th September 2008 06:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Added: Tuesday 2nd September 2008 12:00:01
SHOPPING
A woman goes to buy a chicken and, after rejecting several,
she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First,
she lifts a wing and smells underneath. Then she lifts the
other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's
legs and smells again. "Mister," she says to the butcher,
"this chicken is no good. I want to see another one." The
butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "can you pass a
test like that?"
Added: Tuesday 12th August 2008 18:00:01
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.
You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
A dope you are and dope will remain.
Completely unlike cocaine.
You add to, not diminish, pain!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
Added: Saturday 2nd August 2008 12:00:01
SHIT HAPPENS
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience
more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you
explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit
on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still
doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you
don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you
realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 pounds.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out
before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit
usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh Shit ...Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. On NO! How do I
get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't
smell too bad, but this shit is BAD, and it left skid marks. Usually there's
somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also
usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like
the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go
numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats
back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands
to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch
in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you
finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of
an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet
bowl and seat.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to
take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper
and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you
start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out.
This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle
without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
And the dump list...
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you
will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you
haven't you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a
real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is
a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the
splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all
is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close
the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day
stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the
Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use
the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the
rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer
cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could
always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet -
and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of
the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and
then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your
loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies
trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.
Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to
help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when
suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility
like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a
Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the
precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop
loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite
opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip
the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little
bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between
you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll
and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer
waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything
will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to
leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can
guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person
who comes in.
Added: Monday 7th July 2008 00:00:02
LOOK! TWINS!
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned
me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield
Added: Saturday 5th July 2008 06:00:01
RISING TO THE OCCASION
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology
professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very
next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African
natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a
cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"
Added: Tuesday 1st July 2008 06:00:01
WHEN THEY GAVE OUT
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft"
When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal"
When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one"
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one"
When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny"
When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those"
When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit"
When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather"
When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy"
Added: Friday 16th May 2008 18:00:03
TOILET PAPER
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something
you've been doing wrong.
Added: Monday 12th May 2008 06:00:03
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
Added: Sunday 13th April 2008 18:00:03
YO MOMMA'S SO UGLY
Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make cookies.
Yo momma's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo momma's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars.
Yo momma's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo momma's so ugly, when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out!
Yo momma's so ugly, even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma's so ugly, on Halloween the kids trick or treat her by phone!
Yo momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma's so ugly, people go as her to Halloween parties.
Yo momma's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma's so ugly, I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick.
Yo momma's so ugly, I've seen cow pies I'd rather do it with.
Yo momma's so ugly, Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo momma's so ugly, a fly wouldn't sit on her.
Yo momma's so ugly, even rice krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma's so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail!
Yo momma's so ugly, her doctor is a veterinarian.
Yo momma's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!
Yo momma's so ugly, her face is like a melted willy.
Yo momma's so ugly, her momma had to be drunk to breast feed her.
Yo momma's so ugly, her nickname is Damn!
Yo momma's so ugly, her vibrator turned limp!
Yo momma's so ugly, if she joined an ugly contest they'd say sorry no.
Yo momma's so ugly, if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo momma's so ugly, it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails face down!
Yo momma's so ugly, not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!
Yo momma's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma's so ugly, she can turn Madusa to stone.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could curdle urine.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could gag a maggot on a gutwagon.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could make a freight train take a gravel road.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare a dog off a meat truck.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck.
Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Yo momma's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!
Yo momma's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma's so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
Yo momma's so ugly, she had a face that would sink a thousand ships.
Yo momma's so ugly, she had to get her baby drunk to breast feed it!
Yo momma's so ugly, she has to get her vibrator drunk first.
Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a cup of water!
Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze.
Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on her mirror.
Yo momma's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
Yo momma's so ugly, she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.
Yo momma's so ugly, she just got a job at the airport sniffing for drugs.
Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries!
Yo momma's so ugly, she looks like the elephant man chewing on a wasp.
Yo momma's so ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma's so ugly, she make my ass pucker.
Yo momma's so ugly, she make onions cry.
Yo momma's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on!
Yo momma's so ugly, she puts on her makeup in the dark!
Yo momma's so ugly, she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma's so ugly, she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.
Yo momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma's so ugly, she walked past a mirror and it exploded.
Yo momma's so ugly, she won't even play with herself!
Yo momma's so ugly, she wore a pork chop to get the dog to play.
Yo momma's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
Yo momma's so ugly, she'd scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Yo momma's so ugly, she's the cover girl for iodine.
Yo momma's so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma's so ugly, that when she looks at a glass of milk it turns to cheese.
Yo momma's so ugly, the NHL banned her for life.
Yo momma's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
Yo momma's so ugly, the tide won't even take her out.
Yo momma's so ugly, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.
Yo momma's so ugly, they only wanted her feet for the freak show.
Yo momma's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo momma's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma's so ugly, they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo momma's so ugly, they threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Yo momma's so ugly, they turn off the cameras when she walks into a bank!
Yo momma's so ugly, they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders!!
Yo momma's so ugly, when I first saw her, my momma was nauseous.
Yo momma's so ugly, when a baby, she was breast fed through a straw!
Yo momma's so ugly, when a child, she had to be fed with a slingshot!
Yo momma's so ugly, when she cries the tears run up her face.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she goes to the beach the tide won't come in!
Yo momma's so ugly, when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she walk by the bathroom the toilet flushes.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she walk into a bank they turn the cameras off!
Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born her incubator windows were tinted.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped her momma!
Yo momma's so ugly, when she was born the windows in her incubator were tinted.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to jump in the lake the lake jumped back!
Yo momma's so ugly, when you look up ugly in the dictionary it has her picture.
Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy rather kiss her ass than look in her face.
Yo momma's so ugly, you could tell the face only 'cuz it had ears.
Yo momma's so ugly, zookeepers said thanks for bringin' the bitch back!
Added: Saturday 12th April 2008 12:00:02
THE THREE DWARFS
One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking
tea and having crumpets.
The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think
I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and
I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records
and try to get in the book!"
The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you
mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world.
I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book,
too!"
The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I
think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"
So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of
World Records.
When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone
for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it!
They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest
in the world. I'm in the record book!!"
The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very
excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure
enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the
record book, too!!"
The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long
that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a
rather forlorn look on his face.
"What's the matter?", his friends asked.
The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill
Clinton?!?!!"
Note to this joke: You can insert anyone's (male) name in
place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!
Added: Friday 4th April 2008 12:00:03
WRITE WITH OTHER HAND
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
Added: Sunday 16th March 2008 00:00:03
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR
You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?
I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.
I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.
I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.
That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.
You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.
You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?
Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?
Added: Thursday 21st February 2008 06:00:01
MEAN THINGS TO SAY TO PEOPLE
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Added: Saturday 9th February 2008 00:00:02
PROSTITUTE WITH NO LEGS
Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
A: Cash and Carry
Added: Tuesday 29th January 2008 06:00:02
TWINS
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield
Added: Friday 11th January 2008 18:00:01
THE BEST WAY TO INSULT A LOSER
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look
... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not
inflatable"
Added: Friday 11th January 2008 12:00:03
MONICA LEWINSKY'S SURGERY
Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her
love handles removed . . . they removed her ears.
Added: Saturday 29th December 2007 00:00:02
KISSING THE STONE
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too
hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't
kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good
fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on
it."
Added: Friday 7th December 2007 18:00:02
THE POLICE ACADEMY
Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy
sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first
and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question
before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same
thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're
admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"
The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question.
The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells
him to go home and think about it for a week and come back
and tell him.
The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his
first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't
believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to
a murder case!"
Added: Tuesday 4th December 2007 12:00:02
AND YOU EXPECTED WHAT?
When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally
sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue
double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought
we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That
had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the
guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
Added: Thursday 29th November 2007 18:00:02
MICHAEL JACKSON
what do michael jackson and a PS2 have in common?
Added: Thursday 22nd November 2007 06:00:02
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Eventually, you will get what you asked for.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
Added: Saturday 6th October 2007 12:00:02
YOU KNOW YOUR UGLY WHEN . . .
You know your ugly when . . .
Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.
Added: Thursday 23rd August 2007 12:00:02
PUBERTY INSULT
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say,
"Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"
Added: Wednesday 15th August 2007 00:00:02
POOR JOKE - KICKING A CAN
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!
Added: Wednesday 18th July 2007 18:00:02
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
Added: Friday 13th July 2007 18:00:04
COMPLAINT LETTER
An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept....
Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Added: Thursday 12th July 2007 06:00:01
YOU ARE SO STUPID . . . SOCKS
Your so stupid . . .
You have a drawer for your "right socks", and a drawer for
your "left socks".
Added: Friday 22nd June 2007 18:00:02
BUNGEE JUMPING IN MEXICO
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first
guy says to the second. "You know, we could make
a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end
of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch
him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,
the second guy misses him. The first guy falls
again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine,
but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Added: Wednesday 23rd May 2007 18:00:03
TOO MANY
So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane.
Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.
Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".
Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".
Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".
Added: Tuesday 22nd May 2007 06:00:05
BREAKING UP
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally
decided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of
humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never
seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply
smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm
sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled
and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave
$20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way
out."
Added: Friday 18th May 2007 00:00:02
COFFEE
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Added: Tuesday 8th May 2007 06:00:02
POOR JOKE - KICKING A CAN
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!
Added: Tuesday 10th April 2007 06:00:03
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
You grow on people -- like a wart!
Added: Thursday 22nd February 2007 18:00:03
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
Added: Tuesday 6th February 2007 06:00:01
INFLATABLE GIRLFRIEND
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
Added: Friday 12th January 2007 12:00:05
YO MOMMA'S SO FAT
Yo momma's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac
Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale
Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at a time please
Yo momma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says sorry we don't do livestock
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she gets and estimate
Yo momma's so fat, at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"
Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
Yo momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.
Yo momma's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"
Yo momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Yo momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.
Yo momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
Yo momma's so fat, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo momma's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo momma's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo momma's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Yo momma's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
Yo momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo momma's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"
Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo momma's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
Yo momma's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo momma's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo momma's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
Yo momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo momma's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Yo momma's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in!
Yo momma's so fat, I had to walk around her and got lost.
Yo momma's so fat, I took her to a dance and the band skipped.
Yo momma's so fat, I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo momma's so fat, McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats.
Yo momma's so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her!
Yo momma's so fat, after sex she smokes a turkey!
Yo momma's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
Yo momma's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma's so fat, everytime she walks in high heels she strikes oil!
Yo momma's so fat, her big toe got stuck in the catflap.
Yo momma's so fat, her blood type is Ragu!
Yo momma's so fat, her butt cheeks have different area codes.
Yo momma's so fat, her butt looks like 2 pigs fightin' over Milkduds.
Yo momma's so fat, her doctor's a grounds keeper.
Yo momma's so fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo momma's so fat, her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky!
Yo momma's so fat, her nickname is "damn".
Yo momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
Yo momma's so fat, her tits are in two different time zones.
Yo momma's so fat, her toes bleed when she walks!
Yo momma's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds she'd get group insurance.
Yo momma's so fat, if she'd died you'd have to take her out in two trips.
Yo momma's so fat, it say on her driver's license Picture continued on back.
Yo momma's so fat, it takes a forklift to help her stand up.
Yo momma's so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass!
Yo momma's so fat, light gets stuck near her.
Yo momma's so fat, mosquitoes see her and scream buffet!
Yo momma's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma's so fat, people use her dandruff as quilts.
Yo momma's so fat, sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma's so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma's so fat, she can smell bacon frying in Canada!
Yo momma's so fat, she can use Mt. Everest for a dildo.
Yo momma's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite she's got cellu-heavy!
Yo momma's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma's so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
Yo momma's so fat, she gets stuck in her dreams!
Yo momma's so fat, she got a run in her blue jeans.
Yo momma's so fat, she got her baby pictures taken by satellite.
Yo momma's so fat, she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock?
Yo momma's so fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo momma's so fat, she had a run in her jeans!
Yo momma's so fat, she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo momma's so fat, she had stretch marks when she was a virgin.
Yo momma's so fat, she had to get out of bed to roll over.
Yo momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma's so fat, she has a part-time job as a trampoline!
Yo momma's so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo momma's so fat, she has her own area code!
Yo momma's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - AatAss Jeans.
Yo momma's so fat, she has her own gravity.
Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than a Mary Jane truck.
Yo momma's so fat, she has shocks on her toilet seat.
Yo momma's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets!
Yo momma's so fat, she has to go outside to put on deodorant.
Yo momma's so fat, she has to go outside to sit around the house.
Yo momma's so fat, she has to lay down to tie her shoe.
Yo momma's so fat, she has to use hoola-hoops to hold her socks up.
Yo momma's so fat, she hides her goiter with her chin.
Yo momma's so fat, she influences the tides.
Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes in the driveway!
Yo momma's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo momma's so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
Yo momma's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo momma's so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo momma's so fat, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
Yo momma's so fat, she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma's so fat, she shaves her legs with a lawn mower.
Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo momma's so fat, she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma's so fat, she stepped on a rainbow and made skidmarks!
Yo momma's so fat, she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please.
Yo momma's so fat, she takes baths in swimming pools.
Yo momma's so fat, she thinks Church`s Chicken`s a holy place.
Yo momma's so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.
Yo momma's so fat, she thought gravy was a beverage.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma's so fat, she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses the freeway as a Slip n' Slide!
Yo momma's so fat, she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.
Yo momma's so fat, she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma's so fat, she wears a microwave for a beeper!
Yo momma's so fat, she wears two watches because she's in two time zones!
Yo momma's so fat, she went to the beach and sold shade!
Yo momma's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo momma's so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair.
Yo momma's so fat, she won Miss Bessie the Cow @YEAR@.
Yo momma's so fat, she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own post code.
Yo momma's so fat, she's got her own zip code!
Yo momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma's so fat, she's in two time zones at the same time!
Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma's so fat, she's sits on coal and farts out a diamond.
Yo momma's so fat, she's works in the movies -- as the screen.
Yo momma's so fat, the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her.
Yo momma's so fat, the airline charges her round trip for each flight.
Yo momma's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn.
Yo momma's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma's so fat, they invented super extra strength ultra SlimFast.
Yo momma's so fat, they mistake her for a country.
Yo momma's so fat, to her light food means under 4 Tons.
Yo momma's so fat, to lose a few pounds she takes off her girdle.
Yo momma's so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Yo momma's so fat, when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up!
Yo momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.
Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps she goes straight down to hell.
Yo momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma's so fat, when she falls it measures on the Richter scale!
Yo momma's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it!
Yo momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to parties people scream Kool-Aid!
Yo momma's so fat, when she has sex she has to give directions!
Yo momma's so fat, when she has to haul ass it takes two trips!
Yo momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma's so fat, when she moons people they turn into Werewolves.
Yo momma's so fat, when she puts her foot down she clears rain forests.
Yo momma's so fat, when she sings, it's over!
Yo momma's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma's so fat, when she sweats everyone around her wears raincoats!
Yo momma's so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.
Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around its her birthday.
Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome-back party.
Yo momma's so fat, when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.
Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she leaves snail tracks....
Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
Yo momma's so fat, when she wears her X jacket helicopters try to land.
Yo momma's so fat, when she wears red all the kids scream Koolaid!
Yo momma's so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma's so fat, when you put her in a Jacuzzi she makes her own gravy!
Yo momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma's so fat, you can slap her thighs and ride the waves in!
Yo momma's so fat, you can't tell if she is coming or going...
Yo momma's so fat, you couldn't tell where her boobs end and her arms begin.
Yo momma's so fat, you gotta slam her thigh and ride the wave...
Yo momma's so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off of her.
Yo momma's so fat, your family portrait has stretch marks.
Added: Monday 1st January 2007 18:00:02
CONFUSION
Q. What is the definition of confusion?
A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.
Added: Sunday 24th December 2006 18:00:03
FUNNY SAYINGS
- Girls are like phones, if you press the wrong button you'll
get disconnected.
- I'm an angel, honest, the horns are just there to keep the
halo from falling!
- Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me an angel, so what
happend to you?
- It's better to appear stupid then to open your mouth and
reviel all hope.
- Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend!
- Guys are roses, but you might find some pricks.
- If you need a nickle, I'll give you a dime but if you want a
male bitch, don't mess with mine!
- Don't call me a godess, don't call me a queen, just call me
the cutest princess you've ever seen.
- Did the sun come up or did you just smile?
- If you don't like my driving, stay off the side walk!
- If men are from Mars, why can't we send them back?
- I excerise a lot...I jump to conclusions, push my luck, and
dodge deadlines!
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't fix your breaks, so i made your horn louder
- You can push everyone around....just not through a door that
says pull.
- What goes around...usually gets dizzy and falls to the ground.
- May your life be like toilet paper...long and usefull
Added: Wednesday 13th December 2006 00:00:05
ETHIOPIAN
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!
Added: Tuesday 5th December 2006 12:00:02
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
What's the latest dope -- besides you?
I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.
You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.
When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
Added: Wednesday 15th November 2006 00:00:04
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?
Added: Sunday 5th November 2006 06:00:02
PERFECT PUT DOWNS
Sorry but you seem to mistaking me for someone who is interested
in what you are saying.
Here's some money (hand it to the jerk) go call somebody who
cares.
I'd sue my parents if I had a face like yours.
God do you need a special licence to be so ugly?
You smell of piss.
Did you style your hair like that on perpose?
Is that your head or did your neck thow-up?
God your ugly.....oh shit did i say that out loud?
I don't mean to be rude but could you please fuck off.
Could you stand back a little your breath is scourching my
make-up.
Added: Friday 27th October 2006 18:00:03
YOUR MAMA...
your mama's butt is so hairy that Don King is about to pop out and say,"Who made America ?"
Added: Tuesday 10th October 2006 00:00:04
HOW TO SPEAK SOUTHERN
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - What a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - What you set in
Crick - A small stream
Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - What you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - What get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - Hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - Where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - Whats between the hills
Hard - Got a brend new hard
hand Tar - His core blew a tar
Laymun - A sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - What you climb up
Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - What you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - No
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - A light red color
Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - A paper bag or sack
Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
Salit - A green vegetable
Puppet - What the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - You wear it on your fanger
Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - Rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - Small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - A soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho - Tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - A bobbed war fance
Worsh - Go worsh your face
Warter - What you worsh your face in
Yurp - A continent overseas
Added: Saturday 9th September 2006 12:00:02
CHEAPEST MEAT
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Added: Thursday 7th September 2006 18:00:02
YOU ARE LIKE A TV
You are just like a TV ... even a three-year-old can turn
you on!
Added: Monday 28th August 2006 18:00:02
YOUR FACE
Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop.
Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo.
If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat.
If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in.
Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails.
Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going.
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut.
Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time.
Your face is very becoming. I's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it.
Added: Wednesday 9th August 2006 12:00:07
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.
Hey, act your age -- senile!
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
Added: Monday 31st July 2006 06:00:02
YOU MIGHT BE A POLITICIAN
"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a
horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
Added: Wednesday 26th July 2006 06:00:06
LEAVES
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in leaves? Rusl.
Added: Tuesday 11th July 2006 11:50:45
BOTTLED WATER
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in
front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, "Who would buy all this expensive
Evian water anyway?"
The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."
Added: Sunday 25th June 2006 17:54:21
A COLLECTION OF INSULTS!
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Added: Wednesday 21st June 2006 18:57:00
GOOD RIDDANCE
If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area.
I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone.
Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things.
Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you.
Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense.
I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.
It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say.
I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week.
Added: Sunday 4th June 2006 12:14:22
YOUR LEADING A SAD LIFE WHEN . . .
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Added: Thursday 27th April 2006 05:52:03
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