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GENDER JOKES (updated Monday 20th May 2013 06:00:02 EDT)

THE WIFE & THE MAILMAN

It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!"

Added: Monday 29th August 2011 18:00:01

WRONG CHOICE

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way
out of their price range.
.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
.
Services are pending.

Added: Thursday 18th August 2011 18:00:01

FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Added: Thursday 18th August 2011 06:00:03

GIRLS ARE EVIL

Girls = time * money

time = money, therefore:

Girls = money * money (*)

But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus:

money = sqrt(evil)

Taking into account (*), we have:

Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil)

And finally:

Girls = |evil|

Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!

Added: Tuesday 16th August 2011 06:00:01

CHEAP DATE

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

Added: Tuesday 9th August 2011 06:00:02

EDUCATION FOR WOMEN

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Added: Sunday 31st July 2011 18:00:01

NOTHING WORKS

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

Added: Saturday 23rd July 2011 00:00:02

ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Added: Thursday 21st July 2011 18:00:01

MEN ARE LIARS

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an
algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

-- Tim Allen

Added: Wednesday 20th July 2011 18:00:01

SUCCESS FOR MEN DEPENDS ON AGE

To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:

At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants

Added: Tuesday 12th July 2011 06:00:02

FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Added: Monday 11th July 2011 06:00:02

A WOMAN'S SEMINARS

New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

Added: Thursday 7th July 2011 18:00:01

SHORT GENDER JOKES

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

Added: Thursday 7th July 2011 06:00:01

MODEMS BEAT WOMEN

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Added: Friday 1st July 2011 06:00:02

THE PERFECT STORY

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Added: Wednesday 29th June 2011 06:00:01

IT'S A PERIOD

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little
Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny
had in mind for his report, so she asked him
just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what
is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this
morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy
had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."

Added: Tuesday 28th June 2011 12:00:01

EDUCATION FOR WOMEN

ANYONE HERE

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

Added: Saturday 21st May 2011 06:00:04

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

Added: Monday 16th May 2011 12:00:01

ADAM TALKS TO GOD

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

Added: Saturday 30th April 2011 06:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Added: Thursday 14th April 2011 00:00:01

TECHNOLOGICAL WOMAN!

HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman: She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET woman: Difficult to access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife" when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Added: Monday 11th April 2011 06:00:01

KELLY

kelly loved this man named travis. She said he was her true love. He asked her one day, are you ready to have babies? She said, yes i want to but i have to tell you something dear.please forgive me, but i cant have babies w/ you. they will look hidious. but your my true love so we can at least have safe sex. SITUATION: Travis left Kelly because of her attitude.

Added: Friday 8th April 2011 00:00:01

CLEAN WHATS ZAT

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could
never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began
the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

Added: Tuesday 22nd March 2011 18:00:01

MAKING A DONATION

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation
center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to
give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm,
myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted
some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in
the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Added: Tuesday 15th March 2011 00:00:02

THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SEXES

Let's say a guy named Rob is attracted to a woman named
Carol. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to
dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see
each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them
is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Carol, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud, 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?'

And then there is silence in the car.

To Carol, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself, "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation
that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Rob is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."

Carol is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward
. . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep
seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment?
Do I really even know this person?"

Meanwhile Rob is thinking, "So that means it was . . . let's
see . . . February when we started going out, which was right
after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme
check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil
change here."

Carol looks at Rob and thinks, "He's upset. I can see it on
his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he
has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so
reluctant to
say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected."

Rob is thinking, "I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87
degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage
truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."

Watching Rob, Carol thinks, "He's angry. And I don't blame
him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

Rob is still on his train of thought. "They'll probably say
it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're
gonna say, the scumballs."

Carol wonders, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being
with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

Rob is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their...."

'Rob,' Carol says aloud.

'What?' says Rob, startled.

'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her
eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never
have...Oh God,I feel so....'

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

'What?' says Rob, thoroughly confused.

'I'm such a fool,' Carol sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight,
and there's no horse.'

'There's no horse?' says Rob, perplexed.

'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' asks Carol.

'No!' says Rob, glad to finally know the correct answer.

'It's just that... it's that I... I need some time,' Carol
says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Rob, thinking as fast as
he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he
comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

'Yes,' he says.

(Carol, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

'Oh, Rob, do you really feel that way?' she says.

'What way?' asks Rob.

'That way about time,' says Carol.

'Oh,' says Rob, 'Yeah, sure.'

(Carol turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she
speaks.)

'Thank you, Rob.' she says.

'Thank you.' Rob replies, unsure what else to say.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a
conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when
Rob gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns
on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is
pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what,
and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Rob's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Carol will call her closest friend, or perhaps
two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it
time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue
to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months,
never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.

Meanwhile, Rob, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual
friend of his and Carol's, will pause just before serving,
frown, and say: 'Ross, did Carol ever own a horse?'

Added: Thursday 3rd March 2011 18:00:01

HIS AND HER ROAD TRIPS

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

Added: Tuesday 1st March 2011 06:00:01

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH WOMEN

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

Added: Tuesday 1st March 2011 00:00:01

WOMEN'S TRANSLATIONS

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!

Added: Monday 28th February 2011 12:00:01

300% IMPOTENT

A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband
was 300% impotent.

The doctor replied, "I'm not sure I understand what you
mean."

She answered, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In
addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

Added: Friday 18th February 2011 12:00:01

WHEN CAN I DO AS I PLEASE?

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked
his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I
please?"

The father answered immediately, "Son, I don't know. No man
has lived that long yet."

Added: Monday 14th February 2011 06:00:02

ACCIDENTAL MEETING

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow!

Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Added: Sunday 6th February 2011 12:00:01

BURGLAR

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

Added: Monday 31st January 2011 00:00:02

THE GUIDE FOR WOMEN

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

Added: Thursday 20th January 2011 00:00:01

WOMEN AND HURICANES

What do woman and huricanes have in common ? When they come they are wild and wet when they leave they take your house and car with them !

Added: Friday 14th January 2011 00:00:02

MALE TRANSLATIONS

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
"I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Added: Wednesday 12th January 2011 00:00:01

ANTI-MEN JOKES (LADIES ENJOY)

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you really badly. She
said - Well, you succeeded.

Added: Tuesday 11th January 2011 00:00:01

PREGNANCY FAQ

Pregnancy FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's
sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Added: Saturday 8th January 2011 18:00:01

TRAVIS

Q:what do travis and PS2 have in common?

A:they are both plastic and attract little kids.

Added: Friday 31st December 2010 18:00:01

THE NEW VIAGRA

The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed
a pill to increase vaginal wetness in females. The new pill
will be called Niagra.

Added: Thursday 16th December 2010 12:00:01

I BET

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large
downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told
the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a
substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said
that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only
with the president of the bank to make the necessary
arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in
fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the
situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the
president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.

She repeated her request to open an account.

The president said he would take care of it personally, but
his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how
you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on
professional sports, or in casinos...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example,
I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the
funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on
it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to
follow up, and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently
checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just
as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon
golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite
relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while
he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all
the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become
his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed
hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked
who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she
always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums
were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that
particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than
incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself,
considering the amount at stake.

He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances,
so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She
proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any
abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was
standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He
asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?"

She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the
lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before
ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the
balls."

Added: Monday 29th November 2010 12:00:01

DATING HINTS FOR MEN

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Added: Friday 26th November 2010 00:00:01

YO MAMMA

Yo mamma is like a bicycle everyone gets a ride.

Added: Sunday 7th November 2010 06:00:01

BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS, GREAT NEWS

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Added: Thursday 4th November 2010 18:00:01

11 SIGNS OF PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

Added: Tuesday 2nd November 2010 18:00:01

I OWE MY MOTHER

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."< BR>
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Added: Monday 1st November 2010 18:00:01

TWO CANNIBALS

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Added: Monday 1st November 2010 00:00:01

WOMEN ARE LIKE

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot

Added: Sunday 31st October 2010 06:00:02

BALL ROLLING

Three men were waiting at Heaven's gates. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."
She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

Added: Thursday 28th October 2010 12:00:01

THE MAN

Q: why is a puppy better than a man?

A: because eventually the puppy stops whining

Added: Saturday 9th October 2010 18:00:01

GREAT TO BE A WOMAN

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

You can sleep your way to the top.

You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

Brad Pitt.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Added: Friday 8th October 2010 06:00:01

ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS BY GENDER

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.

Added: Friday 24th September 2010 12:00:02

ANTI-MEN JOKES (LADIES ENJOY)

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.He couldn't
get back in.

Added: Sunday 19th September 2010 00:00:01

20 TRUTHS ABOUT MEN

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

Added: Sunday 29th August 2010 06:00:01

GREAT JOB

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."

Added: Wednesday 25th August 2010 18:00:01

CONTROL

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Added: Friday 20th August 2010 18:00:01

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.

Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what..

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.

Added: Wednesday 11th August 2010 06:00:01

MEN SHOULD LISTEN

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 06:00:01

TRANSVESTITE DEFINED

Define Transvestite.

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Added: Tuesday 13th July 2010 00:00:01

TALK VS. THOUGHT

Q:Why do women do all the talking and men do all the
thinking?

A:Men have two heads, and women have four lips.

Added: Thursday 8th July 2010 06:00:01

LOOKING GOOD

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Added: Thursday 1st July 2010 00:00:01

COCKTAIL PARTY

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Added: Wednesday 26th May 2010 00:00:01

DRIVE THEM WILD

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Added: Wednesday 21st April 2010 12:00:01

SIMPLE MATHEMATICS

Dear Wife:

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year
old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

Your Wife

Added: Friday 9th April 2010 12:00:02

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

THAT BIG APE

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas
and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive
erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes
off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the
cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man
was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the
hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you
be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

Added: Wednesday 31st March 2010 06:00:01

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but
it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Added: Friday 26th February 2010 00:00:01

WINE

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees
a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and
quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and
says, "Good trade."

Added: Sunday 21st February 2010 18:00:01

YOGURT AND MEN

Q: What is the difference between yogurt and men?

A: Yogurt has an active culture

Added: Sunday 3rd January 2010 00:00:01

CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Added: Thursday 24th December 2009 00:00:01

MALE BASHING

Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.

Added: Saturday 19th December 2009 06:00:01

WOMEN'S INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Added: Friday 18th December 2009 18:00:01

COLONEL SANDERS V. THE REST OF THE MALE GENDER

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All they are concerned with are legs, breasts and thighs.

Added: Saturday 21st November 2009 06:00:01

IF MEN AND WOMEN SWITCHED PARTS

IF MEN AND WOMEN SWAPPED GENITALS!!

Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina
for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20
feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE
closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for
more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have
it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with
a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a
penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Learn to stare with that "I'm undressing you" look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a
surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how
improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it
feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction
which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next
to his member which causes two inches to be added to the
final measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up
with a penis...
1. Get a blow job.

Added: Friday 30th October 2009 18:00:02

CHINESE COUPLE

A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

Added: Friday 30th October 2009 06:00:01

TOO LATE !

A skeleton comes to the doctor. Doctor : You are coming
pretty late !

Added: Monday 19th October 2009 06:00:01

CHOCOLATES

Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?

A: Some have nuts and some don't!

Added: Thursday 15th October 2009 18:00:01

WOMEN'S INSTRUCTIONS

TWO BABIES LIES IN THE BIRTH SECTION

Baby 1: I'm a boy. Baby 2: prove it. Baby 1: Not in front of
the nurse. Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...

Added: Wednesday 7th October 2009 12:00:01

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN (Long version: sorry there is no
short
version with women)

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this
morning
because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the
temperature dropping below 28 degrees.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile
turban gags and then rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out
your gut so you can complain and whine even more about how
you're getting fat.

4. Turn on the hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all
that steam.

6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah
and pumice stone.

7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.

8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.

9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83
added vitamins.

10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.

11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red raw.

12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake
body wash.

13. Complain bitterly when you realize your
boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut
and Jaffa Cake body wash.

14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you
can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.

16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend / husband flushes the
toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot.
Attack with nails / tweezers if found.

21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile
turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

Added: Sunday 4th October 2009 18:00:01

MISS AMERICA

Q. How can you tell which contestant in the Miss America
contest is the prostitute?

A. She's the one wearing the banner:
I-da-ho.

Added: Thursday 1st October 2009 12:00:01

SWEETHEART

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very
long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had
not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put
them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing."

Added: Monday 28th September 2009 18:00:01

DON'T ASSUME . . .

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of
a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and
said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first
aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's
pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At
this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you
get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Added: Monday 28th September 2009 00:00:01

WOMAN IN THE MORNING

When woman wake up in the mornig why do they rub their eyes ? Because they dont have balls to scratch.

Added: Friday 18th September 2009 00:00:01

COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Added: Sunday 13th September 2009 12:00:02

PROFESSIONS

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Added: Tuesday 1st September 2009 00:00:01

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Added: Wednesday 12th August 2009 18:00:01

HER AGE

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Added: Tuesday 28th July 2009 18:00:02

EFFICIENCY EXPERT

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 18:00:01

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Added: Thursday 4th June 2009 12:00:01

OUTDOOR BARBECUING

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man
will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking,
the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and
dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking,
places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who
is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and
check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that
the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and
hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings
them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table
and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
"her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed
reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.

Added: Sunday 31st May 2009 06:00:04

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women

End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office

Added: Thursday 28th May 2009 00:00:01

A MAN WORRIES

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband. A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand
him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with
a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new one.

Added: Saturday 23rd May 2009 06:00:05

NY TIMES AD

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

Added: Thursday 21st May 2009 18:00:01

ANNIVERSARY FLOWERS

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

Added: Monday 11th May 2009 18:00:01

MEN ADVISING WOMEN

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Added: Sunday 10th May 2009 00:00:01

COSMETIC SURGERY

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"

Added: Saturday 9th May 2009 18:00:01

FLOWERS

A man walks home and thinks about his wife. He decides to
buy her some flowers. When he rings the bell, his wife opens
the door. He holds up the flowers and says, "For you baby!"

She replies, "Oh yeah? You just want me to spread my legs!"

The man responds, "Don't you have a vase?"

Added: Sunday 19th April 2009 00:00:01

THE FROGS

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian
frog...you do taste like chicken!

Added: Tuesday 7th April 2009 18:00:02

A RVING COUPLE

A RVing couple, both born the same year and
month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been so loving she
would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she
had already visited most of North America in
her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
90.

Added: Wednesday 1st April 2009 12:00:01

FACTS OF LIFE

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

Added: Tuesday 24th March 2009 00:00:01

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 00:00:02

A DYING WISH

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

Added: Friday 13th March 2009 00:00:03

DRIVE THEM WILD

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Added: Thursday 12th March 2009 18:00:02

LEAVE THE HAIR OUT OF IT

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned
a second wedding. They were discussing the details
with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she
was planning to wear. One of her friends asked
what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver
- - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are
going barefoot."

Added: Monday 9th March 2009 00:00:03

TRANSLATIONS FOR MEN

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Added: Sunday 8th March 2009 12:00:02

A WOMAN'S ULTIMATE FANTASY

Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to
have two men at once?

One cooking and the other cleaning.

Added: Sunday 8th March 2009 00:00:02

DEFINITION OF MODERN WOMAN

She drives a Red Sport Car.

She has a hyphenated last name.

She thinks Cooking and Fucking are two cities in China.

Added: Saturday 21st February 2009 00:00:01

CANNIBAAAALS

There were three men going camping in a far away island.Cannabils attacked them and brought them to their layer.
"Bring aton of certin fruit back here" said the cannibal chief.
So the first two men get back first.
"You have to put 20 of each fruit up your butt without making any face esspresion at all"
The first man had apples.He got to 4 before he went crazy.They cooked and stewed him.The second had tomatoes."This'll be easy"He thought.
He made it to 14 then went laughing.So they cooked him.Up in Heaven...
'Why did you lose it you were so close."
"I saw the other guy have cocunuts"

Added: Tuesday 3rd February 2009 12:00:03

DEFINITIONS

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up
in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
three minutes.

Added: Friday 16th January 2009 18:00:02

THE FIRST THING THEY LOOK FOR

There are three ladies all sitting next to each other on a
plane, a blonde, a red head and an african american.

All of a sudden the captain comes over the intercom and
says, "Ladies and gentlemen . . . The plane is having
problems and we are going to crash."

The blonde immediately starts to put on her make up.

The other ladies asked her why.

"Well, I heard that when the plane goes down the first thing
they look for are the pretty ones."

So, after thinking about it, the redhead started to unbutton
her shirt. The others asked her why.

"I heard that the first thing that they look for are women
with big tits."

Finally the african american woman starts to take off her
pants and underwear.

Shocked, the ladies asked her why.

"Ladies, just so you know . . . I always heard that the
first thing they look for when the plane goes down is the
black box!"

Added: Thursday 15th January 2009 12:00:02

FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

I finished the Oreo's.

Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40
pounds.

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby!

I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!

Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
Bowl.

Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that's gotta hurt.

Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard Scott!

I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of
childbirth?

Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

Get your *own* ice cream.

Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

Got milk?

Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!

Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!

You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

Added: Thursday 15th January 2009 06:00:02

WHY MEN LIVE SO LONG

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will
work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on
your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will
live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too
much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You
will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his
table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like
that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.
You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You
will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown
of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10
years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the
only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of
the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20
years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,
the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey
rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry
and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy
loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting
like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Added: Wednesday 14th January 2009 12:00:02

NOT SO DUMB

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

Added: Monday 8th December 2008 00:00:02

A MAN AND HIS MONEY

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

Added: Friday 28th November 2008 06:00:01

A PROBLEM OF PROBLEMS

A young couple decided to wed.

As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Added: Saturday 22nd November 2008 06:00:02

THE BUM ON A STREET

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Added: Friday 14th November 2008 18:00:02

HIS AND HERS ROAD TRIP

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside..
And of course you're still lost.

Added: Tuesday 11th November 2008 00:00:01

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

COMPARING MEN TO DOGS

How Dogs and Men Are the Same<

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

3. Both mark their territory

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches

7. Neither does any dishes

8. Both fart shamelessly

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

10. Both like dominance games

11. Both are suspicious of the postman

12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous<

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog

8. Dogs are easy to buy for

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Added: Friday 31st October 2008 18:00:01

ANTI-MEN JOKES (LADIES ENJOY)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Added: Sunday 19th October 2008 18:00:01

GARDEN OF EDEN

Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?"

So God said, "I will put on earth a woman, "

"'What is this ‘woman’?" asked Adam.

"A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God.

"Oh holy master, what is the price for this women"' asked Adam.

"The price for her is your left arm and your right eye," said God.

Then Adam replied, "Ehh... what can I get for a rib?"

Added: Friday 26th September 2008 18:00:01

ONLY IN AMERICA

On busy lunch time at the IGA in Franklin NH the express
line was humming. A lady in the next checkout had forgotten
to pick up an item and the cashiere asked the bagboy to get a
box of Tampex. The bag boy headed gor the hardware asile and
yelled back what kind do you want. The ones you push in with
your thumb or the ones you drive in with a hammer. Needless
to say the people near the register started laughing even the
poor lady who ordered the was reeling with laughter. The now
totally confused bagboy appeared with the two kinds of
Thumbtacks again sent us into gales of laughter. When it was
explkained to the boy he grew the brightest shade of red I
had ever seen.

Added: Monday 1st September 2008 12:00:01

FAMILY PANTS

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

Added: Thursday 28th August 2008 12:00:02

GOT CHA

On their way home after celebrating their
25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful
evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet", says the husband.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black
velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But
what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.

Added: Wednesday 27th August 2008 12:00:01

ADVANTAGE: WOMEN

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Added: Monday 11th August 2008 00:00:01

BEER, EH

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Added: Monday 21st July 2008 12:00:01

WIFE SWAP

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed
in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

Added: Friday 18th July 2008 12:00:01

MR RIGHT APPLICATION

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

________

Added: Saturday 12th July 2008 00:00:02

ALWAYS BY MY SIDE

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Added: Tuesday 8th July 2008 00:00:01

FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

Added: Friday 4th July 2008 18:00:01

WHY GOD CREATED EVE

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to
buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the
garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Added: Friday 4th July 2008 00:00:02

LETTER FROM MEN TO WOMEN

FROM MEN TO WOMEN

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN
UPON A COPY OF THIS:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage
location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I
will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can
still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during
timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to
this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an
immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels
during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to
change the channel back. I always know when the timing is
right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go
back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than
willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my
mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to
the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do
something it is not necessary for you to call his
wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes.
And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making
that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything
yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get
dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten
minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am
getting dressed, not getting ready.

10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a
certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a
no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get
dressed while watching TV.

11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished
then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's
only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the
bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of
its own.

12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like
stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Added: Monday 23rd June 2008 00:00:02

EYE OF GRATITUDE

In the prime of her career, a world famous
painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful
that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and
therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic
eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a
press conference to unveil her latest work of
art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,
'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'

Added: Tuesday 17th June 2008 18:00:02

GREAT TO BE A WOMAN

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
You can sleep your way to the top.
You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
Brad Pitt.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Added: Monday 16th June 2008 06:00:02

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

Age - Favorite Drink

17 Beer
25 Beer
35 Vodka
48 Double Vodka
66 Maalox

Age - Best Seduction Line

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

Age - Favorite Sport

17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping

Age - Definition of a Successful Date

17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.

Age - Favorite Fantasy

17 Getting to third
25 Airplane Sex
35 Menage a Trois
48 Taking the Company Public
66 Swiss Maid / Nazi Love Slave

Age - House Pet

17 Roaches
25 Stoned-out College Roommate
35 Irish Setter
48 Children from his first marriage
66 Barbie

Age - What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

Age - Ideal Date

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place.
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Added: Tuesday 20th May 2008 18:00:02

THE DIAPER

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

Added: Friday 9th May 2008 06:00:02

I CAN AND I WILL

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can’t be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

Added: Wednesday 9th April 2008 18:00:02

IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

Reasons why it's great to be a guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

You never have to clean the toilet.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

The National College Cheerleading Championship

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

Same work....more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

ESPN's sports center.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

Baywatch

There is always a game on somewhere.

Added: Monday 31st March 2008 06:00:02

TOP 10 POLITICALLY CORRECT STATEMENTS ABOUT MEN

10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

9) He is not quiet; he is a
CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

8) He does not get lost all the time; he
DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

7) He is not balding; he is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

5) He is not short; he is
ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a
VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from
REVERSE BULIMIA.

2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Added: Monday 31st March 2008 00:00:02

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

There was a guy walking down the street in San
Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking
oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his
jacket, because he thought it was priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF*
A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright,
I have had enough with this three wish stuff,
and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"

The surprised man said, " OK, I want to live
in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three
million dollars in the master bedroom, but I
am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to
build a bridge from here to Hawaii."

The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy?
Do you know how long that will take, with the
pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it would take for the highway?
No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."

The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want
to understand women."

The genie said, " Would you like two lanes
or four?"

Added: Wednesday 19th March 2008 12:00:01

PLAY YOUR AGE

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the
roulette she
says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

Added: Monday 10th March 2008 06:00:02

SHORT GENDER JOKES

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

Added: Thursday 21st February 2008 18:00:02

VOODOO DICK

Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready
to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So
he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was
too close to another man for him. He was browsing through
the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't
really know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man
asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he
asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened
it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The
businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,
"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose
out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to
the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!"
said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't
for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The
guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick,
my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days,
the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced
before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and
tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it
off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they
could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had
to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in
her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at
her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick,
my ass!"

Added: Wednesday 20th February 2008 12:00:02

WOMEN'S EARS

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The
new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I
can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to
his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his
surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a
thing!"

Added: Tuesday 19th February 2008 18:00:03

THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Added: Thursday 14th February 2008 00:00:02

PROTECTED SEX

What's a man's idea of protected sex?

A padded headboard!

Added: Sunday 10th February 2008 06:00:02

IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the
night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman
doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A
younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the
older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why
nature intended young guys to go out with older women and
young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day
without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam
jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is
almost always already attached to someone, so there's no
need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last
thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny,
dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you
that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young
woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break
up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then
suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if
you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last
to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't
help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's
using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger
woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial
Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her
girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when
she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having
an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of
lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the
years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus
practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a
screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a
public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that
sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A
younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best
years of her youth because chances are someone else has
stolen them first.

Added: Monday 28th January 2008 18:00:02

ANNIVERSARY

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

Added: Saturday 29th December 2007 06:00:03

BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN . . .

You've all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but
you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some
guy staring at her ass.

Added: Thursday 20th December 2007 06:00:04

FEELING 18 AGAIN

A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her
bed, laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches
her for awhile and then says, " You look ridiculous! What on
Earth do you think you are doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have
the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!"

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65
year old ass?"

She says, "Your name never came up!"

Added: Tuesday 18th December 2007 00:00:02

THE REAL MAN TEST

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.
Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men
and enriching their own lives if they
carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the
Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token
of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small
but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and
poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
Nations.

C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful
life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
the only really sportsman - like way to let him know that,
for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of
you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game;
she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing
where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking
whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some
kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by
holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on
third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say
her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes,
you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your
first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran
underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones
were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real
guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is
quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation
for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place
for forty years before they finally got to the Promised
Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

Added: Monday 17th December 2007 12:00:03

OLD AGE

Three ladies were discussing the travails of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself
with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing
in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making
a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the landing of the stairs and
can't remember whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm
glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Added: Tuesday 11th December 2007 06:00:04

COMPUTERS ARE MALE

Reasons computers must be male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.

Added: Wednesday 21st November 2007 06:00:03

EACH SEX HAS ITS ACRONYM

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

Added: Tuesday 6th November 2007 06:00:02

WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE TELEPHONES?

Women are like telephones ... They love to be held. They
love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button,
you're DISCONNECTED.

Added: Wednesday 31st October 2007 00:00:02

BOYS AND GIRLS

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and
women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the
same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in
the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to
catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and
she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church
an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and
he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the
church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually
messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment
at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and
turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with
Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their
appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their
bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather
lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in
public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively
start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and
almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a
boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake
belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're
too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not
because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a
boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an
early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses.
By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses
unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk,
they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry
if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Added: Tuesday 30th October 2007 18:00:03

AIRPLANES AND WOMEN

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?

A: A cockpit!

Added: Friday 26th October 2007 12:00:01

DEAF

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

Added: Sunday 14th October 2007 18:00:01

COMING HOME LATE

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

Added: Sunday 14th October 2007 06:00:02

WOMEN'S TRANSLATIONS

YOU WERE THERE TO SUPPORT ME

The woman's husband had been slipping in and
out of a coma for several months, yet she had
stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full
of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fillwith warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Added: Monday 1st October 2007 06:00:02

PANTYHOSE

Q: How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass and a fish
nobody can find.

Added: Monday 24th September 2007 12:00:02

LIKE A WOMAN

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence.

Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

Added: Monday 17th September 2007 18:00:02

BABY HERMAPHRODITE

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

Added: Friday 7th September 2007 00:00:01

MAJORLY BUSTED

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"

Added: Thursday 30th August 2007 00:00:02

MEN'S EMOTIONS

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without a boner, make him a sandwich.

Added: Sunday 26th August 2007 18:00:02

COMPARE THE GENDERS

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Added: Saturday 25th August 2007 00:00:01

MEN ARE MADE UP OF USELESS THINGS

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless
"things?"

* He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
* Two calves that will never become cows...
* A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
* A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
* Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
* A chest that won't hold linen...
* Two tits that won't give milk...
* Two buns that won't feed anyone...
* A belly button that won't button...
* Two balls that won't roll...
* An ass that won't pull a plow...
* An organ that won't play music...
* A cock that won't crow...

.....And what are YOU laughing about?

You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!

Added: Saturday 18th August 2007 06:00:02

GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work.. more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Added: Sunday 5th August 2007 12:00:02

HE SAID SHE SAID

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Added: Wednesday 25th July 2007 12:00:02

IF A MAN YELLS IN THE FOREST . . .

If a man yells in the woods and no woman hears him, is he
still wrong?

Added: Saturday 7th July 2007 18:00:03

COMPARE THE GENDERS

NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.

Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Added: Thursday 28th June 2007 00:00:02

ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WOMAN

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Added: Friday 8th June 2007 00:00:01

FACTORY WORKERS

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."

Added: Saturday 2nd June 2007 06:00:03

THE BRIGHT SIDE

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd
be dead now!"

Added: Friday 1st June 2007 06:00:02

3 TYPES OF PEOPLE

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.

2. Those who can't.

Added: Thursday 31st May 2007 00:00:02

MORNING WOOD

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever
hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,
start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is
that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,
take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this
is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the
toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
but because you and I have become such good friends and you
think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds
with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that
thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,
if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So
that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat
and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that
perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the
guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's
just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning
situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.
She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you
are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching
fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal
of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!

Added: Tuesday 29th May 2007 00:00:03

PUSSY MONEY

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000
in the collection plate. This went on for weeks
until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that
you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"
he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week
my son sends me money, and what I don't need
I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how
much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do
for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does
he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in
Las Vegas and another in Reno."

Added: Sunday 20th May 2007 06:00:02

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Added: Monday 14th May 2007 06:00:02

COMPARING MEN AND PARKING SPACES

Q: What do men and parking spaces have in common?

A: All the good ones are taken, and the available ones are
all handicapped.

Added: Saturday 7th April 2007 12:00:02

DO WOMEN TALK TO MUCH?

Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more
than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study
that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as
opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.

Gussie, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then
thought of an
answer. "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as
men, because they have to repeat every thing they say."

Added: Wednesday 4th April 2007 00:00:02

IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

Reasons why it's great to be a guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.

Added: Sunday 1st April 2007 18:00:02

WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.

Added: Friday 30th March 2007 12:00:01

MISSING HUSBAND

A wife went to the police station with her
next-door neighbor to report that her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has
dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good
to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband
is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and
is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Added: Monday 19th March 2007 18:00:04

BRA SHOPPING

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Added: Saturday 17th March 2007 00:00:02

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb
Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Wimp!
5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20
minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting
me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad
to see me?

And the Number One Thing You Shouldn't Say to a Cop:

1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3
for 1 special!

Added: Friday 9th March 2007 12:00:01

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH MEN

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

Added: Monday 5th March 2007 06:00:02

NEARLY FATAL CLOCK

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

Added: Monday 19th February 2007 06:00:02

TELL ABOUT A HAIRCUT

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Added: Saturday 17th February 2007 18:00:02

MODEMS BEAT WOMEN

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Added: Friday 16th February 2007 06:00:02

FEMALE LAWS TO LIVE BY

The female always make the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.

The male must be ready at all times.

Added: Tuesday 13th February 2007 12:00:01

DISCUSSING FINANCES

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

Added: Monday 5th February 2007 12:00:02

NEEDS

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

Added: Monday 15th January 2007 06:00:03

MEN ARE LIKE . . .

Men are like . . . Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like . . . Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like . . . Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night
long.

Men are like . . . High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Added: Thursday 11th January 2007 06:00:03

DIVORCE

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"

Added: Tuesday 12th December 2006 18:00:02

JUST LIKE DAD

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Added: Friday 1st December 2006 00:00:04

HIS AND HER ROAD TRIPS

FOLLOW DIRECTIONS!

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the
men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was
"OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he
go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against
using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW,
WA, PP, and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the
importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity
get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and
immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He
thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious
he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm
air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out
of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder
puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well,
naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for
the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to
me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on
a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until
you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic
Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"

Added: Friday 24th November 2006 12:00:02

THE GUIDE TO WOMEN

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Added: Monday 20th November 2006 18:00:02

ANTI-MEN JOKES (LADIES ENJOY)

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey,
what do you think the neighbours would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that
I married you for your money," she replied.

Added: Saturday 4th November 2006 06:00:02

WHAT MAKES MEN AND WOMEN HAPPY

What a man should do to keep his wife happy:

1. Make her dinner.
2. Take her out.
3. Send her chocolate and roses for no reason.
4. Tell her how much he loves her.
5. Help around the house.
6. Spend money for no reason except that he loves her.

What a Woman should do to keep him happy:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.

Added: Friday 3rd November 2006 12:00:02

COLLEGE DEGREES

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications
major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Added: Tuesday 31st October 2006 06:00:02

THE SMARTER SEX?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back
to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police."

Added: Monday 23rd October 2006 06:00:03

THE MAN'S POINT SYSTEM!

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is
happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You know
them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is
because you've fallen asleep...-20

Added: Monday 9th October 2006 18:00:02

BOYS ARE JUST LIKE THAT

If you Treat him nicely,he says you are in Love with him.
If you don't Treat him nicely, he says you are Proud.

If you Argue with him, he says you are Stubborn.
If you Keep Quiet, he says you have no Brains.

If you are Smarter than him, he will lose Face.
If he is Smarter then you, he is Great.

If you don't Love him, he Tries to Possess you.
If you Love him,he will Try to Leave you.

If you tell him your problems, he says you are Troublesome.
If you don't Tell him your Problems, he says you don't Trust him.

If you Break your Promise, you cannot be Trusted.
If he Breaks his Promise, he is Forced to do so.

If you Smokes, your are Bad Girl.
If he Smokes, he is a Gentleman.

If you do Well in your Exams, he says it's your Luck.
If he does Well, it's Brain.

If you Hurt him,you are Cruel.
If he Hurts you, you are Too Sensitive.

Added: Sunday 8th October 2006 12:00:02

INSULTS

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were doing some
holiday shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous
insults for most of the evening, and the man decided that he was going
to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop
insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!"

He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but
his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's
OK, I won't tell you who the father is!"

Added: Tuesday 19th September 2006 12:00:02

MARRIAGE QUOTES BY MEN

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Added: Saturday 16th September 2006 18:00:02

TRANSLATIONS FOR MEN

DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Added: Wednesday 16th August 2006 06:00:04

TWO DIVORCED GUYS

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

Added: Wednesday 16th August 2006 00:00:06

MEN ARE LIKE

..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Added: Thursday 3rd August 2006 06:00:06

EXPRESS LINE

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick
up a few items. She headed for the express line
where the clerk was talking on the phone with
his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could
you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second,
looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not
bad."

Added: Tuesday 1st August 2006 12:00:05

SHORT GENDER JOKES

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Added: Friday 28th July 2006 06:00:05

IT HURTS

While out one morning in the park, a jogger
found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none
around that it might belong to, he slipped it
into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian
crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A
blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large
bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked,
her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically,
"that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

Added: Monday 24th July 2006 06:00:06

MEN WRITING THE RULES

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Added: Saturday 22nd July 2006 06:00:10

3 TYPES OF PEOPLE

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.

2. Those who can't.

Added: Thursday 29th June 2006 17:53:23

SEMINARS FOR A WOMAN

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

GE104: How to Parallel Park

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

Added: Sunday 25th June 2006 05:54:28

MOST MEN AND REAL MEN

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.

Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.

Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.

Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.

Most Men..bring their own beer.

Added: Saturday 24th June 2006 17:54:38

A STOLEN CREDIT CARD

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Added: Monday 19th June 2006 11:52:26

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women

End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office

Added: Wednesday 14th June 2006 18:14:30

ROCKS AND WOMEN

Q: What do rocks and women have in common?

A: You skip the flat ones!

Added: Wednesday 24th May 2006 00:14:14

SEMINARS FOR A WOMAN

NEW RELATIONSHIP BOOK

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our

relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

Added: Monday 15th May 2006 17:52:15

I'LL TELL HIM LATER.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy
a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked
the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even
know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Added: Friday 12th May 2006 05:52:13

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN SHOWERING

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Added: Wednesday 10th May 2006 05:52:12

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

Added: Friday 28th April 2006 17:52:03

WHY HELICOPTERS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes
her time.

2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.

5. Helicopters come with manuals.

6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.

7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.

8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really
wrong.

10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters
you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the
same time.

12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters,
or if you buy helicopter magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.

Added: Friday 28th April 2006 05:52:04

NEED...GASPCASH...GASPAFTERLIFE..

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Added: Thursday 27th April 2006 11:52:02

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