
Free Gay Videos \| Photos \| Cams

Home > Dirty Jokes > Ethnic Jokes

Add Your Link

ETHNIC JOKES (updated Wednesday 22nd May 2013 06:00:01 EDT)

LOUSY LOVER'S

Why do Polish men make such lousy lover's?

They always wait for the swelling to go down.

Added: Monday 22nd August 2011 12:00:02

LIVER AND CHEESE

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone cheese mine."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Sunday 21st August 2011 00:00:01

COWBOYS AND INDIANS

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?"

Indian says" Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?"

Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too."

Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"

Added: Monday 15th August 2011 18:00:01

BIN LADEN'S SURPRISE

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Added: Tuesday 19th July 2011 12:00:01

FLUCTUATIONS

Two brothers, Ying and Yang, wandering down a street in America with arms full of purchases and cameras swinging from their necks, one of the brothers slips into the bank to exchange 30,000 yen into dollars.

Ying: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar, bow much I get?'

Teller: 'Oh, you will get $8000.'

Ying: ‘Fank you very much.'

Teller: 'You're welcome,' and hands Ying the $8000.

Ying and Yang carry on doing copious amounts of shopping until Yang says he is a little low on local currency.

So Ying told Yang to go to the same bank and get a good deal. So off Yang goes.

Yang: 'I wan to change 30,000 yen for dollar. Now much I get?'

Teller: 'Oh, you will get $6000. '

Yang: 'Only $6000! But how cum my broffer, just a few hour ago, get $8000?'

Teller: 'Fluctuations.'

Yang: 'Well, fluck you Yankees too!'

Added: Sunday 3rd July 2011 00:00:01

33 AND A 1/3

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.

The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question:
Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Monday 27th June 2011 06:00:01

RECYCLABLES

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send 'em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send 'em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Added: Sunday 26th June 2011 00:00:01

AUSTRALIAN CONDOMS

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.

The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.

"What's the difference," he asks?

"Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on." "The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays." "The Australians, well, they have 12."

At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?

"Yes, 12. One for January, one for February...."

Added: Wednesday 15th June 2011 18:00:01

DEFINING THE AMERICANS

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Added: Tuesday 14th June 2011 00:00:01

EURO-ENGLINSH

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as 'EuroEnglish':

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 percent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaning 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

Added: Saturday 11th June 2011 06:00:01

JAPAN'S QUALITY STANDARD

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Added: Sunday 29th May 2011 00:00:01

BLACK PARROT

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw

Added: Thursday 26th May 2011 12:00:01

ELECTION UPDATE

Election update from http://www.aaronsjokes.com/

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh!t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Added: Friday 20th May 2011 18:00:01

AUSSIES IN THE DARK

How many aussies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, sheep like it in the dark.

Added: Friday 20th May 2011 06:00:04

HEART ATTACK

For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to finally know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. Mexicans eat alot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink alot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apprently what kills you.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Saturday 7th May 2011 18:00:01

COLLECTION

A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Tuesday 3rd May 2011 18:00:01

COMPETITION OF A NATION

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

Added: Friday 29th April 2011 00:00:02

ZIPPERS

Why do Scottish shepherds wear kilts?

Zippers make the sheep nervous.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 20th April 2011 00:00:01

RESTAURANTS

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"

One man replies, "We all very hungry!"

She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"

Another man answers, "Because menu say" 'First Come, First Served!'"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Christine

Added: Tuesday 12th April 2011 18:00:01

MEASURING ON THE JOB

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

Added: Friday 8th April 2011 18:00:02

INVENTION OF WHISKEY

Why did God invent whiskey?

So the Irish would never rule the world.

Added: Monday 4th April 2011 00:00:01

ASIAN PHILOSOPHY

Asian Philosophy:

Tis good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Added: Sunday 13th March 2011 00:00:01

ALAMO

Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to capture the Alamo?

So they could have four clean walls to write on.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 9th March 2011 18:00:01

IRAQUI CRUISE

An Iraqui was walking on the beach when he was approached by a man. "Say Buddy," said the man, "How"d you like to take a cruise for $100?"

"Sure!" exclaimed the Iraqui. When he gave the man his money, the guy pulled out a black jack and hit him over the head. He pulled him down to the shore, put him in an inner tube and then shoved him off.

The next day, another Iraqui was walking on the beach, and was approached by the same man, in the same manner. Sure enough, when the second Albanian gave him his money, out came the black jack, and the second Albanian was on his way out to sea.

Several days had passed, and the two Iraquis eventually ran into one another. "Hey Buddy," the second asked the first, "do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

"They probably won't." said the first, "They didn't last year."

Added: Tuesday 1st March 2011 18:00:01

FENCE

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans holding hands?

A spicket fence!

Submitted by Curtis
EDited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 19th February 2011 18:00:01

ENGLISH NEW SUITS

Two English men are walking along O'Connell Street in Ireland when they see a sign in a shop window. Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

One said to the other one, "Look at that. We could buy a lot of that gear and resell it when we get back to England. We could make a fortune!

When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent."

They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50.

The owner of the shop asks, "You're English aren't you?"

The Englishman replies, "Oh bother... Yes, how the hell did you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners..."

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Christine and Curtis

Added: Thursday 17th February 2011 18:00:01

FINDING A CHINESE JEW

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

Added: Tuesday 8th February 2011 06:00:01

ONLY IN AMERICA

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Added: Sunday 2nd January 2011 00:00:01

SURPLIZE, SURPLIZE

Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island.

On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp.

He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.

'I'll scout the island and we'll meet at the camp at dusk,' said the captain.

The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadn't returned.

'Where's that Jap with the supplies?' said the captain.

The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him.

They scout the whole island but can't find him.

Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, 'Surplize, surplize.'

Added: Saturday 25th December 2010 12:00:01

ITALIAN EXPREIENCE

Italian New York Hotel Experience.....
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Added: Tuesday 14th December 2010 12:00:01

NO MEXICANS PLEASE

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

Added: Wednesday 8th December 2010 12:00:01

METHODS OF EXECUTION

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

Added: Thursday 2nd December 2010 12:00:01

WHO GETS THE EGG

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

Added: Wednesday 24th November 2010 12:00:01

JAPANESE COURSE

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Added: Monday 15th November 2010 00:00:01

NO HOCKY

Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

Because everytime they go into the corner, they open up a convenience store.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw

Added: Wednesday 10th November 2010 18:00:01

LOTTERY WIN

Two Irishmen had just won $500,000 in a lottery.

Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, "What about all them beggin letters? "

Sean replies, "We'll just keep sending them."

Added: Wednesday 3rd November 2010 00:00:01

WHO'S DRIVING?

Q: Three portuguese men are in a car, who is driving?

A: The police.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Christine and Curtis

Added: Sunday 31st October 2010 18:00:01

CAUGHT BY A LOCAL TRIBE

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

Added: Saturday 23rd October 2010 06:00:01

INDIAN POP HITS

The Indian Top 10:

1. Tears on My Pillau.

2. Its my chappalti and I'll cry if I want to.

3. Tikka Chance on Me.

4. Scatnaan.

5. Korma Korma Chameleon.

6. What's the Story Morning Tandoori.

7. Easy like Sanjay Morning.

8. You Can't Curry Love.

9. Poppadum Preach.

10. Sheikh Your Body. All available on the fantastic new album, Turban Hymns by Donner Summer.

Bohemian Curry (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa,
ooh-ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
'cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa,
ooh-ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild,
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...

(Guitar solo)
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh,
Rogan Josh
Pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Nery very spicy
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo looo... )
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory,
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
Technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
It's coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no no no no no No).
On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees, Oh there he goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it's all right?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
just had to come out,
just had to come right out in here...

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me.

Added: Saturday 2nd October 2010 12:00:01

IRAQIS

Why don't Iraqis have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?

It's too hard on the camels!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Saturday 2nd October 2010 00:00:02

EATING DOGS

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 25th September 2010 18:00:01

KMART

What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico?

"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 25th September 2010 12:00:01

SCOTTISH LOVE RITES

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity f*** ya bam.'

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.'

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?'
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yersel,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.'

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'F*** me, I've shot ma load.'
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.'
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?'
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Added: Friday 24th September 2010 00:00:01

3 MEN IN SAUDI

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Added: Thursday 23rd September 2010 00:00:01

ESKIMO PEEPING TOM

What do you call an Eskimo Peeping Tom?
Tommy Took A Look.

Added: Friday 10th September 2010 06:00:01

IRISH GIRL

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

Added: Wednesday 1st September 2010 12:00:01

YAHOO

An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down.

A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off.

Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills.

When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks.

“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Friday 27th August 2010 12:00:01

TOILET PAPER

An Indian Chief went down to the local trading post and the storekeeper asked him what he needed.

"Me needum butt wipe paper".

"Well Chief", the storekeeper said "we have 2 kinds". "The first one is Charmin and it's a buck a roll", "but we have this other no-name brand that's only 25 cents a roll"

"Me takum no-name" the Chief says. A week later the Chief goes back to the trading post and tells the shopkeeper, "Me haveum name for that paper".

"Yeah Chief what's the name" the storekeeper asks.

"Me callum John Wayne" the Chief replies.

"John Wayne" says the storekeeper, "why's that"?

The Chief replies" this paper's rough and tough and take no shit offun Indian".

Added: Sunday 22nd August 2010 12:00:01

TALIBAN TV GUIDE

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

Added: Tuesday 17th August 2010 12:00:01

TRAVELING ON THE TRAIN

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

Added: Tuesday 10th August 2010 18:00:01

JOHN WAYNE

An Indian (Native American) walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.

The clerk asks if he would like no name (generic), Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he annonces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off no Indian."

Added: Saturday 7th August 2010 00:00:01

NATIVE AMERICAN HEARS

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 12:00:01

FLAGS AND TAXES

A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Added: Wednesday 21st July 2010 18:00:01

DETECTIVE TEST

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo

Added: Thursday 15th July 2010 18:00:02

CONFUCIUS SAYS

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

Added: Friday 9th July 2010 06:00:01

DIGGING HOLES

A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Well," said the digger," Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Tantilazing

Added: Wednesday 30th June 2010 00:00:01

AUSSIE TALK BACK

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.

The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.

The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):

Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word'

Caller: 'This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. '

Jim: 'Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'

Bob from the bush: 'Gaan f*** yourself!'

Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: 'Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.'

Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...

Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What's your name and what's your word.'

Caller: 'This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. '

Jim: 'Thanks Steve, we're just checking... and... yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'

Steve: 'Smee again, gaan f*** yourself!'

Added: Sunday 27th June 2010 00:00:01

SMILE

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 12th June 2010 18:00:01

CAMELS

Why don't Iraqis have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?

It's too hard on the camels!

Added: Sunday 6th June 2010 06:00:01

TEXAS BUILDS IT LARGER

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

Added: Thursday 3rd June 2010 12:00:01

YOU ARE FROM CANADA

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Added: Monday 24th May 2010 06:00:02

WALK PROUD

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk proud!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Sunday 23rd May 2010 12:00:02

WHAT IS MATZO

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this?!"

Added: Saturday 22nd May 2010 12:00:01

TOURING GUIDE FOR NORTH

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.

7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Added: Friday 21st May 2010 00:00:02

CHINESE DETECTIVE

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:

Most Hon'ble Sir,

You leave the house.
I watch house.

He come to house.
I watch.

He and she leave house.
I follow.

He and she get on train.
I follow.

He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.

He strip she.
She strip he.

He play with she.
She play with he.

I play with me.
Fall out of tree.

Not see.
No fee.

Added: Tuesday 18th May 2010 18:00:01

FROM "RUN" TO "HIDE"

AP and UPI reported today that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The heightened alert status was precipitated by the recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

Added: Monday 17th May 2010 18:00:01

INDIAN TO RESCUE

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady" the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....

Added: Friday 7th May 2010 06:00:01

POWS

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches.

So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared.

Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said "Well if it wasn't for my 10 inch dick we'd all be dead."

The American says "Na, if it wasn't for my 8 inch dick then we'd all be dead."

Then the Irishman says "If I didn't have a hard on, we'd all be dead."

Added: Saturday 1st May 2010 18:00:01

WILD WEST

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian.

They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one, Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand mad Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Thursday 29th April 2010 00:00:01

LEARNING CHINESE TERMS

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

Added: Wednesday 28th April 2010 00:00:02

DIPLOMAT WANTS WATER

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

Added: Sunday 25th April 2010 00:00:01

NATIONAL LOVE MAKING

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.

"She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Added: Sunday 18th April 2010 06:00:01

NATIVE AMERICAN TRADES

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Added: Friday 16th April 2010 18:00:01

PENIS CONTEST

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest dick," he says.

"Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width.

The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Thursday 8th April 2010 18:00:01

IN FIJI

Were abouts do most woman have curly hair?

In Fiji

Added: Friday 26th March 2010 00:00:01

NATCHITOCHES

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

Added: Thursday 25th March 2010 06:00:02

ANGERING THE IRISHMAN

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Added: Wednesday 24th March 2010 06:00:01

FATHERS DAY

What is the most confusing day in Harlem?

Fathers day.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 13th March 2010 18:00:01

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE

What is the difference between an Iranian and an Iraqi?

Same dad, different camel.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 18:00:01

RESEARCHING THIS INSECT

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

Added: Sunday 28th February 2010 06:00:01

ESCALATOR

An Irishman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night.

Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED on THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself...

"And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

Added: Friday 26th February 2010 18:00:01

IRAQI CRUISE

An Iraqi was walking on the beach when he was approached by a man. "Say Buddy," said the man, "How’d you like to take a cruise for $100?"

"Sure!" exclaimed the Iraqi. When he gave the man his money, the guy pulled out a black jack and hit him over the head. He pulled him down to the shore, put him in an inner tube and then shoved him off.

The next day, another Iraqi was walking on the beach, and was approached by the same man, in the same manner. Sure enough, when the second Albanian gave him his money, out came the black jack, and the second Albanian was on his way out to sea.

Several days had passed, and the two Iraqi’s eventually ran into one another. "Hey Buddy," the second asked the first, "do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

"They probably won't." said the first, "They didn't last year."

Added: Friday 26th February 2010 06:00:01

FIRING SQUAD

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.

They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole.

He points and shouts, "Tornado!"

They all look and the American runs away.

Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!"

They all hit the dust and the German escapes.

Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

Added: Thursday 18th February 2010 12:00:01

POLISH SAUSAGE

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like a Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Monday 15th February 2010 00:00:01

RULES OF THE SOUTH

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Added: Sunday 14th February 2010 12:00:02

MISSISSIPPI

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown

Added: Saturday 13th February 2010 00:00:01

WHAT'S ON YOUR BACK?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Added: Friday 5th February 2010 06:00:01

HAPPY MOMENTS

Members of different nations discussed the happiest day of their lives.

The Frenchman said that the happiest day of his live would be when he meets a pretty young lady, who will become his lover, would be always nice to him, be available day or night...

The American said, that it would be when he inherits his family business. And after making successful strategic changes in his organization, the stock value of the company raises five points on a market.

And than the Russian said: "When I hear heavy kicking to my doors at 3:00 am."

"Petrov?!"

"No, next floor!"

Added: Monday 1st February 2010 18:00:01

HOT DOGS

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, "I'd love to eat some dog."

The second "Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, 'HOT DOGS'!"

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, "Which part of the dog's anatomy did YOU get?"

Added: Wednesday 27th January 2010 00:00:02

GERONIMO

An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump.

The instructor said, "When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."

When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Thursday 21st January 2010 00:00:01

AUSSIE BANK ROBBERS

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.

After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'

They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, 'Australia's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.'

Added: Sunday 10th January 2010 00:00:01

DESERTED ISLAND

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
* 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
* 2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred...

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

* The two German men keep a strict weekly schedule of when each is allowed to spend time with the German woman.

*The two Greek men have the Greek woman cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

* The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is busy checking out all the other men.

* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep to clothe their women.

* The Irish divided the island into North and South and are setting up a distillery.

* The American woman keeps ranting about the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that men can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have joined the Polish men who are swimming out to sea.

Added: Wednesday 30th December 2009 06:00:01

IRISH GIRL CONFESSES SINS

ONE, TWO, TREE...

Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign which read

'TREE FELLERS WANTED'.

"Oh, now, look at that," said Paddy, "What a pity there's only de two of us!"

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Friday 18th December 2009 06:00:01

KANGAROO LOVER

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She eventually ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Austalian outback. They end up getting married.

On thier wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the midlle of the room, naked and all the furniture piled up in the corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the space I can get."

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Added: Tuesday 15th December 2009 00:00:01

THE FOOTBALL MOMS

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"

Added: Friday 4th December 2009 00:00:01

EGG DISPUTE

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "No. You can keep the egg!"

Added: Tuesday 1st December 2009 12:00:01

TALL GRASS

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Friday 27th November 2009 12:00:01

BELFAST BAD TASTE

The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it.

A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.

He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot a man.

'It's only 9.35 pm,' roared the sergeant. 'Why did you shoot him?'

'I know that man,' said Private Connolly, 'I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o'clock.'

Added: Thursday 19th November 2009 18:00:01

AFRICAN ROULETTE

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out.

"They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The ambassador looked pained and said, "Russian roulette is a dangerous game." "Right, that's why we invented African roulette; would you like to play?"

"I'm not sure, how does it work?" The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in. "Choose the one you want to give you oral sex."

"That's a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette..."

"Not when one of them is a cannibal."

Added: Sunday 15th November 2009 06:00:01

JESUS'S OOPS

What did Jesus say when he creted the first black man?

Ohh! S**t I burnt one

Added: Saturday 14th November 2009 00:00:01

IRAQI LADIES

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I'm sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Added: Thursday 12th November 2009 12:00:01

TRACKER

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing." exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 11th November 2009 18:00:01

BEST JOB IN IRAQ

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Added: Monday 9th November 2009 12:00:01

FARMERS COURTING

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

Added: Sunday 8th November 2009 18:00:01

GERMANS

Q: What do you call a blind German?
A: A Not See (Nazi)

Added: Sunday 8th November 2009 06:00:01

IRAQ ONE LINERS

Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where all those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.

Added: Monday 2nd November 2009 00:00:01

ALL THE SAME

There was a Jew and a Chinaman sitting at the bar drinking.

All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinaman in the face, knocking him off his stool.

Stunned, the Chinaman gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

The Chinaman says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."

The Jew says, "Well you have black hair, squinted eyes, and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."

The Chinaman says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

About a half hour later the Chinaman turns and punches the Jew in the face, knocking him off his stool.

The Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"

The Chinaman says "That was for the Titanic."

The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an iceberg!"

The Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Added: Tuesday 27th October 2009 12:00:01

CUBAN NATIONAL SONG

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?

A: "Row, row, row your boat"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Friday 9th October 2009 12:00:01

DROWNING AT WORK

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death.

He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

Added: Thursday 10th September 2009 18:00:01

UK VS USA

An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.

He said there were three:

1. We speak English and you don't.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

Added: Thursday 10th September 2009 06:00:02

HE MIGHT KNOW YOU

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"

The man replied "Chicago"

The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."

The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."

The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

Added: Monday 7th September 2009 12:00:01

SUBMARINE

Did you know that the Pollacks recently built their own submarine?

It's got wire mesh on the windows to keep out the flies.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Tuesday 1st September 2009 06:00:01

THE MEXICAN

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

Added: Sunday 23rd August 2009 06:00:01

HISTORY OF THE BAGPIPES

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Added: Saturday 22nd August 2009 00:00:01

AUSSIE AND ALL BLACK

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Added: Friday 21st August 2009 18:00:01

LANGUAGE PROBLEM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

Added: Friday 7th August 2009 00:00:01

CANADIANS GET IT

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.

The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, 'There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.'

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other'.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, 'You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?'

The boy replied, 'Canada sir.'

'Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?' asked the manager.

The boy replied, 'They're all just whores and hockey players up there.'

The manager said, 'My wife is from Canada.'

And the boy replied, 'Really. What team did she play for?'

Added: Thursday 6th August 2009 00:00:01

A.E.I.O.U.

Removed by order of

Kenneth J. Artis
Attorney for THE ONION
artislaw@charter.net

Added: Tuesday 4th August 2009 00:00:02

BIGGER IN TEXAS

A proud Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. While there, he meets Aussie farmer and the two start talking. The Aussie shows the Texan his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as yours".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

At this point, the conversation had almost ground to a halt when the Texan suddently saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "Hey, what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Added: Monday 27th July 2009 00:00:02

PARACHUTE

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?

It opens on impact.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Friday 24th July 2009 06:00:03

TRY TO SETTLE THE DISPUTE

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

Added: Tuesday 21st July 2009 18:00:01

MEXICAN BANDIT

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.

"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.

"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now
do it again" said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the
next village."

Added: Tuesday 21st July 2009 00:00:01

AFGHAN VIRGIN

What do you call an afghan virgin

Mever bin laid on

Added: Monday 20th July 2009 06:00:04

ARAB AND AN ISRAELI

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.

When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Added: Saturday 18th July 2009 18:00:01

EATING THE PIECE OF FRUIT

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Added: Saturday 11th July 2009 00:00:01

DIRECTIONS

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Added: Tuesday 7th July 2009 18:00:01

NEWFIE GOES SKYDIVING

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Added: Saturday 4th July 2009 18:00:01

HOT DOG

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to
do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"

Added: Wednesday 24th June 2009 18:00:01

ONLY IN AMERICA

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering..

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 17th June 2009 18:00:01

SAD SAD AUSTRALIANS

An Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.

'Where did you get such a nice bike?' asked the first.

The second Aussie replied,
'Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."'

The first Aussie nodded approvingly.

'Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'

Added: Wednesday 10th June 2009 18:00:02

SPENDING A PENNY

EU Directive 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating ".

Thank you for your attention

Added: Sunday 7th June 2009 12:00:01

MEXICAN JOKE

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them."Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied Jon.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered Jon, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

Added: Saturday 6th June 2009 00:00:02

WHITE BOY

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!"

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, "Go show your father!"

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy!" His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your Grandmother!"

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look granny, I'm a white boy!" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?!"

To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!"

Added: Friday 5th June 2009 12:00:02

UNDERSTAND KIWI TALK

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying?

Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it means:

A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon 's first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.

BETTING: 'Betting Gloves' are worn by 'betsmen' in 'crucket'.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the 'nick' and the 'billy'.

BUGGER: As in 'mine is bugger then yours'.

CHULLY BUN: 'Chilly bin' also known as an ESKY'

COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like 'Surria', 'E-Jupp' and 'Libernon. '

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.

GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.

CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.

SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.

COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.

CUSS: Kiss.

DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP: New Zealand's famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as 'Phar Lap' by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.

DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton. '

ERROR ROUTE: Arnott's famous oval-shaped 'mulk error route buskets'.

FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with 'Rugger Tony' or 'Tell ya. Tilly'.

Added: Thursday 4th June 2009 00:00:01

ITALIAN ON BUS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Added: Wednesday 3rd June 2009 12:00:01

FAVORITE HOLIDAY

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?

Erection day.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Friday 29th May 2009 00:00:01

BRACES

What do you call a black woman with braces?

A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 26th May 2009 12:00:02

DEFINING THESE WORDS

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L'état, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

Added: Monday 25th May 2009 18:00:01

COLDEST IGLOO

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

Added: Saturday 23rd May 2009 00:00:01

"FUCK YOU" IN HEBREW

How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?

"Trust me."

Added: Tuesday 19th May 2009 00:00:01

DON'T TALK

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog don't talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by, well just about the whole crew but Tantilazing had the last word.

Added: Friday 8th May 2009 00:00:01

A DRUNK IRISIHMAN FALLS

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Added: Wednesday 6th May 2009 00:00:02

HOW MANY WIVES?

A German, Englishman and Arab are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.

The German says, "I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team."

The Englishman says, "Huh! That's nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach."

The Arab starts laughing. He says, "I've had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!"

Added: Thursday 30th April 2009 12:00:02

LION EATS MAN!!

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when
a visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'

'No way,' said the keeper, 'it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.'

'Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor, 'but why is it lying there licking its arse?'

'The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.'

Added: Thursday 23rd April 2009 06:00:04

TOP 10 REASONS

Top 10 reasons for being French:

1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.

2. You own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs' legs.

4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.

6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.

8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

Top 10 reasons for being Italian:

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD.

5. You can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. You live near the Pope.

9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Sicilian murderers run your country.

Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:

1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty.

7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.

8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.

Top 10 reasons for being Indian:

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potato.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Meat Bhuna.

10. Kingfisher Lager.

Top 10 reasons for being American:

1. You can have a woman President - without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You can call everyone you've ever met `buddy'.

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.

Top 10 reasons for being English:

1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union Jack underpants.

6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you're still a world power.

8. You can bathe once a week - whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto - changing underwear.

10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.

Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:

1. You've got to be joking haven't you?

Top 10 reasons for being Irish:

1. Guinness.

2. You have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Your pubs never close.

5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. You kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

Top 10 reasons for being Australian:

1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britain's largest 'open prison'.

2. Foster's Lager.

3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.

4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.

5. Your tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.

10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:

1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.

2. Beer.

3. Rugby.

4.See above.

5. See above.

6. See above.

7. See above.

8. See above.

9. See above.

10. You get to hate everyone else... unless it's their round.

Added: Wednesday 15th April 2009 12:00:02

WEDDING OR FUNERAL

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.

Added: Saturday 4th April 2009 18:00:01

AIR IRELAND

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

'By Jesus,' said Paddy, 'will you look at how fookin short that runway is.'

'Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,' replied Gerry.

'This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see,' said Paddy.

'Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,' replied Gerry.

'Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse,' said Paddy.

'Roit, I'll be doing dat,' replied Gerry.

'And den you put the flaps down straight away,' said Paddy.

'Roit, I'll be doing dat,' replied Gerry.

'And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can,' said Paddy.

'Roit, I'll be doing dat,' replied Gerry.

'And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul,' said Paddy.

'Roit, I'll be doing dat,' replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, 'Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.'

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, 'Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.'

Added: Tuesday 24th March 2009 18:00:01

OLYMPIC TEAM

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Sunday 22nd March 2009 00:00:01

GOOD ON YA MATE

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".

"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"

"Wakatu" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Leach Place" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

Added: Saturday 21st March 2009 18:00:02

IRAQ TV GUIDE

Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.

Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It's Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.

Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.

Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.

Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed's Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.

Added: Saturday 7th March 2009 18:00:01

SPACE

Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.

One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a match?"

Added: Friday 6th March 2009 18:00:02

TONTO AND BUFFALO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"

Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

Added: Tuesday 3rd March 2009 06:00:05

JAPANESE

THROWING AWAY GARBAGE

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

Added: Thursday 12th February 2009 00:00:01

ROAD MARKING PAINTER

Lempi took a job with Odovero Construction to paint lines on M28. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.

The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.

The boss sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?".

Lempi replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".

Added: Monday 2nd February 2009 06:00:03

ENGLISH LOVERS

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'

The police chief smiled and said;
'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.'

'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'

To which Pierre replied,
'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.'

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this Pierre shouted,
'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,
'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'

Added: Wednesday 28th January 2009 00:00:01

TRAPPED WITHIN A BOG

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Added: Sunday 25th January 2009 18:00:02

ONESTONE

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day, a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!

What is the moral of this story???

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Thursday 22nd January 2009 18:00:02

MAKE IT OUT OF A DESERT

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

Added: Tuesday 20th January 2009 06:00:01

BAG

Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.

His son came back with the food on his head.

So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"

The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 7th January 2009 00:00:01

ON YOUR BACK

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.
Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.

Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, "What would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard.

"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards "Schisers" and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"

"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Added: Tuesday 6th January 2009 18:00:02

THE NEW EURO LANGUAGE

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Added: Monday 5th January 2009 00:00:04

WIND

An old Indian was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.

When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."

So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.

The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.

A month later he returned again,"Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.

One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Saturday 3rd January 2009 12:00:02

WELCOMING TO AMERICA

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

Added: Thursday 18th December 2008 12:00:01

BINGO IN IRAQI

How do you play Iraqi bingo?

B-52...F-16...B-2.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Wednesday 17th December 2008 06:00:01

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Added: Sunday 14th December 2008 00:00:02

ETHNIC ICE HOCKEY

Q: Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed
to play hockey?

A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

Added: Thursday 27th November 2008 00:00:02

BIG CHIEF

A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.

The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?"

The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with."

"Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.

The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?"

"20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says.

The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!"

The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief"

So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.

The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?"

The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with."

"Oh, dear!" says the reporter.

Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!"

Edited by Curtis and Calamjo

Added: Monday 24th November 2008 06:00:01

FUJIFOO!

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

Added: Wednesday 19th November 2008 12:00:02

LOST IN THE AMAZON

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Added: Thursday 13th November 2008 12:00:02

FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to

higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high

prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,

family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit

for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Added: Sunday 9th November 2008 00:00:01

BEING BLACK

It is hard being black.

We get the bad end of the deal with every sport.

Hockey, you're slappin a black puck around.

Pool, you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole.

The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down ten rednecks.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Wednesday 29th October 2008 18:00:01

FROM SOUTH DAKOTA

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old man. Above the old man was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the old man and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The man says, "Yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!"

The old man looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "You're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the old man and goes through the same routine.

Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the old man looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The old man says, "You're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the old man a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them, dries them off and puts on a coat of polish. He walks up to the old man, hands over a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!"

The old man looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the old geezer. Finally, the old man says, "You're from South Dakota!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the old guy could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from South Dakota?"

The old man replies, "By the wool on your zipper!"

Added: Saturday 25th October 2008 06:00:01

WHEELY BIN

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Chineseman.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having wank."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 22nd October 2008 00:00:01

AU, NZ AND SA

Three hang-glider pilots, one from New Zealand, one from South Africa, and the other from Australia, are sitting around a campfire near Ayers Rock embroiled in a conversation of bravado.

Andy, from Australia, says, 'I must be the meanest an' toughest hang-glider dude there is, maan. Shit, just the other day, I landed in a field on top of a croc who got loose from the swamp an' had ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground an' snapped it's neek with me bare hands.'

Jaapie, from South Africa, couldn't stand to be bettered. While the froth at the corner of Andy's mouth settled, he stood up and said, 'Well you guys leesin' to this. After a 300 km flight, I landed in the middle of the desert and a five-metre Namibian desert snake came at me from under a rock. I grebbed thet bastard with mar bare hands and beet it's head off end sucked its poison down in one go. End I'm still here today.'

The Kiwi remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.

Added: Sunday 19th October 2008 06:00:01

BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,

Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
fire, and Luis is cut down is his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... Ees, a Ham Bush"

Added: Saturday 18th October 2008 18:00:02

UNITED STATES

According to a new study by the National Geographic, 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world.

You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world?

Mexico!

-Jay Leno

Added: Tuesday 14th October 2008 00:00:02

CULTURES EXPLAINED

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Added: Tuesday 23rd September 2008 06:00:01

OLD MAN HOT MAMA

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful"

Added: Thursday 4th September 2008 00:54:15

BUCKWHEAT

Buckwheat attended the Million Man March and was motivated to convert to the Muslim faith.

His new Muslim name is Kareem-A-Wheat.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 06:00:01

ON A TROPICAL ISLAND

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Added: Saturday 30th August 2008 12:00:01

BUSH VS. OSAMA

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

Added: Saturday 30th August 2008 00:00:01

COOKBOOK

What is the title of the new Vietnamese cookbook?

100 ways to wok your dog.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Tuesday 26th August 2008 18:00:01

OIL OF OLE

What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?

Oil of Ole'.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 20th August 2008 12:00:02

ONE WITH THE LAND

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.
He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the city-slicker.

"Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy.
"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!"

The Indian looks up and says...
"Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Added: Tuesday 19th August 2008 00:00:01

REMAINING AS ENEMIES

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Added: Saturday 16th August 2008 12:00:01

KIWI, SHEEP & DOG

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Added: Friday 15th August 2008 12:00:01

VIRGIN

What do you call and afghan virgin?

Never been laid on.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Added: Saturday 26th July 2008 18:00:02

MUSLIM STRIP CLUB

Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?

'Get your face out for the boys...'

Added: Wednesday 23rd July 2008 18:00:01

MAGICAL JUNGLE

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu.

In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird.

The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while passing unaware through the Mimbubu jungle, and when the unsuspecting victim is least aware, the Foo bird lays a single bird dropping on them.

Now the bird dropping proves no harm, but to the unfortunate victim, removing or brushing off the bird dropping results in instantaneous DEATH!!!

Needless to say, the people of Mimbubu spend their entire lives covered in bird droppings from the Foo bird.

And what, you might ask, is their tribe motto?

"If the Foo shits, wear it."

Added: Wednesday 16th July 2008 18:00:01

DIRTY PADDY

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'

Added: Sunday 13th July 2008 18:00:01

POLISH SAUSAGE

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Are you Polish?"

The man says, "Yes, but why do you ask? If I asked for Italian Sausage would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I asked for German Sausage would you ask if I was German? Or if I asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?!?

The clerk simply answered, "No."

The man said, "Then why did you just ask me if I was Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because this is a hardware store!"

Added: Saturday 12th July 2008 18:00:01

TOURING A NEW SAW MILL

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

Added: Saturday 12th July 2008 12:00:01

UNFAMILIAR WITH A TERM

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

Added: Wednesday 9th July 2008 12:00:01

CHINESE VIRGINS

Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?

"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"

Added: Wednesday 9th July 2008 00:00:02

OLYMPIC GAMES

Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.

All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.

They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.

He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in!

"That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went.

"Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced "Poland. Fencing."

Added: Wednesday 2nd July 2008 12:00:02

ENGLISH IS REALLY CRAZY

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Added: Wednesday 2nd July 2008 00:00:01

THE RESCUE

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....."

Added: Thursday 26th June 2008 06:00:03

MEXICAN JUDO

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town.

The first Mexican says to the other, "Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back."

The other Mexican replies, "I don't need to worry, because I know
Mexican Judo."

The first Mexican asks, "What's Mexican Judo?"

The second says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun; Ju don't know if I have a knife. . ."

Added: Sunday 22nd June 2008 06:00:02

FRENCH IN SCOTLAND

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.

The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!

I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!"

Added: Tuesday 3rd June 2008 06:00:02

AFGHANISTAN THREATENS AMERICA

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Ben Dover, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off Americas supply of convenience store managers.

Added: Wednesday 28th May 2008 18:00:03

USING NAILS ON A HOUSE

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

Added: Sunday 18th May 2008 06:00:02

FRED & SADDAM

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

Added: Saturday 10th May 2008 18:00:02

LAST BUFFALO

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

"Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news."

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, "No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today."

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, "Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands."

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, "Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo."

Added: Thursday 1st May 2008 06:00:03

WELSHMEN

Two welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck.

The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo, this is too good an oppertunity to pass up."

So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes.

When he's finally finished he looks round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a go?"

"Bloody right i do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence.

Added: Friday 25th April 2008 18:00:02

VAMPIRES

There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, "I heard on TV that wine is good for the health." The other one said, "Well, let's go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine."

So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.

A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.

Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.

The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

Added: Thursday 17th April 2008 12:00:02

SKUNK IN THE HOUSE

There's a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they don't know is that there is a skunk in the house!

The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, "It stinks in there!"

The American goes in and last ten seconds.

Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!

Added: Wednesday 16th April 2008 18:00:02

CHRISTMAS ITALIAN STYLE

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

Added: Friday 11th April 2008 18:00:02

THE SCOTSMAN AT THE BASEBALL GAME

COLD IGLOO

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.

Added: Monday 24th March 2008 00:00:02

IRAQI LADIES

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I’m sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup.

Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Added: Sunday 23rd March 2008 18:00:03

WHITE MAN COMES

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.

"Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news."

The Chief asks for the bad news first.

Scout says, "No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today."

Chief asks for the worse news.

Brave says, "Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the thousands."

Finally the chief asks for the good news.

The brave says, "Chief, the white men tastes just like buffalo."

Edited by Curtis, Christine and Tds181

Added: Sunday 16th March 2008 06:00:01

2 MEXICANS

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words 'cheese' and 'liver' in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Added: Tuesday 11th March 2008 18:00:02

TOILET PAPER NAMED

An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper."

Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?"

The girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."

Added: Tuesday 4th March 2008 18:00:02

FRENCH FRIES

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.

As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Tanilazing

Added: Monday 25th February 2008 06:00:02

FLYING

There's a Polish guy, an American guy, and a Canadian guy. They get a note in the mail telling each of them to go to the top of the empire state building as soon as they got the letter. (They all got it at the same time).

So they all go up there.

When they arrive they see a wizard standing before their eyes! The wizard tells them to say what they want to do for their dream job.

So the polish guy says I want to be a pilot. so the wizard says. "ok now say, I want to be a pilot, and jump off the building and you will be flying away."

So the Polish guy says "I want to be a pilot" and jumps off the building. And he was all of a sudden in an airplane flying it!

So, the American guy does the same thing except he wants to be an astronaut. So the American guy says to the wizard "I want to be an astrounaut" and then he jumps off the building. And all of a sudden he is in a space craft on his way to space!

So, the Canadian has the same procedure does the same thing. But, when he walks up to get ready to jump he trips and says "SHIT", and guess what he turned into!!!

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Friday 22nd February 2008 06:00:02

LICKETY-SPLIT

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.

Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.

Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!"

"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."

Added: Sunday 17th February 2008 18:00:03

COUNT THE FISH

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench.

The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town.

The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench.

No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition.

So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.

The next day the headlines read:
ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

Added: Monday 11th February 2008 18:00:03

I NOT COME WORK

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.

Submitted by Verlaine
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Monday 11th February 2008 00:00:01

CNN BREAKING NEWS

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

Added: Thursday 7th February 2008 18:00:02

IN SYDNEY WHEN

You know you're in Sydney, Australia, when...

• Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.

• You earn over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

• You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

• You can't remember... is dope illegal?

• You've been to more than one baby shower (wetting the baby's head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

• A great parking space can move you to tears.

• Your child's Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

• You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, 'Pedestrians give way to traffic'.

• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Mandarin or a 'building your own website' class.

• You get used to the fact that drivers have never heard of the road code and start running red lights, not bothering to indicate lane changes and never, ever, giving way to anyone else - especially if the other has the right of way.

• A man walks down the main street in full leather regalia and crotchless pants. Nobody takes any notice.

• You keep a list of companies to boycott.

• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon lady is a guy in drag.

Added: Thursday 31st January 2008 12:00:03

ENGLISH IS VERY STRANGE

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Added: Sunday 20th January 2008 00:00:01

EARTHQUAKE

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS PORT ADELAIDE:

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Port Adelaide, SA.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Port Adelaide Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. one resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Port Power jerseys,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Yiros' , McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas

Added: Tuesday 15th January 2008 18:00:02

MEXICAN GAS

What's a "feel-up"?

It's what you get at a Mexican gas station.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Sunday 6th January 2008 18:00:02

IRISHMAN DECLARES WAR

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So

Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

Added: Saturday 5th January 2008 06:00:02

EXCHANGE

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Added: Friday 4th January 2008 12:00:02

LOOKING FOR WORK

Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the blacksmith's.

Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me you're looking for someone to work here."

"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe horses?"

"I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Tuesday 11th December 2007 00:00:02

KIWI AND AUSSIE

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

Added: Thursday 6th December 2007 00:00:02

THE WELSH AND SHEEP

Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?

Wool.

Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Clark Kent

Added: Thursday 22nd November 2007 00:00:03

LIFEGUARD

What do you call a Pakistani lifeguard?

Handyour Armbandin.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Saturday 17th November 2007 12:00:02

ADAM AND EVE

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Added: Monday 22nd October 2007 06:00:02

NAILING

Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.

Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second or third nail.

"What's wrong with the nails?" he asked.

"The heads are at the wrong end."

"You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!"

Added: Sunday 7th October 2007 06:00:02

BLACK JEW

Q: What did Hitler say to the black Jew?

A: Get to the back of the oven.

Submitted by wavesk8er102
Edited by Curtis

Added: Friday 28th September 2007 12:00:01

PARADE

What's long, brown and has a cumulative IQ of 80?

A Cinco De Mayo parade.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 22nd September 2007 00:00:02

IRISH REVENGE

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

Added: Tuesday 18th September 2007 12:00:02

WHERE ARE YOU LIVING?

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Added: Friday 31st August 2007 00:00:02

GOLDSTEIN RENTS ROOM

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, madame. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel."

Added: Monday 27th August 2007 12:00:01

GOD IS WHITE?

Actually, God mad Adam white because He Himself is white. Here's the proof:…

To Moses he said "I am what I am".

If He were black, He'd have said "I be what I be."

Added: Monday 20th August 2007 06:00:02

THE ONE YOU FEED

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

"The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 20th August 2007 00:00:02

SMART IRISHMAN

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

Added: Saturday 11th August 2007 12:00:01

HOW LONG IS THE POLE

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick.

He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Added: Monday 30th July 2007 18:00:02

IRISH OH IRISH

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager, and... did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?

He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Added: Thursday 26th July 2007 12:00:02

DO WHAT WITH SHEEP

Somewhere over Australia...

The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. "I'm afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump." advises the pilot.

The co-pilots says, "WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!"

"FUCK THE SHEEP!" replies the pilot.

"DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?" Steve Inquires.

Added: Wednesday 11th July 2007 18:00:02

VAMPIRES IN ITALY

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to ITALY because they had heard that ITALIAN food was really good.

So off they went to ITALY and ended up in VENICE. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a
few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short
while a third young couple provides just that.

As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and
tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was
on the bridge.

As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang.

Do you know what he sang?

"...Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

Added: Tuesday 10th July 2007 18:00:02

SENOR

What do you call a Spanish gay guy?

A senor-eater.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

Added: Tuesday 3rd July 2007 06:00:02

ICE CUBES

Do you know why there aren't any ice cubes in Poland?

The inventor died and took the recipe with him.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Monday 2nd July 2007 12:00:06

FRENCH HAPPINESS

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and
no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

Added: Sunday 24th June 2007 12:00:11

THREE AGGIES

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide.

The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

Added: Tuesday 5th June 2007 00:00:02

BEER LOVER

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub.

They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 3rd June 2007 18:00:02

MARKETING TRANSLATIONS

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Added: Saturday 26th May 2007 12:00:02

ENGLISH SCIENTISTS

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the train driver's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: 'Thaw the chicken.'

Added: Saturday 26th May 2007 06:00:02

2012 OLYMPICS

The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about it.

Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people.

-Conan O'Brien

Added: Saturday 12th May 2007 00:00:01

TIMES UP MARIO

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, "Today is the day that you get your first pistola!"

The boy replies, "But I don't want a gun. I want a golden watch!"

Vito looks strangely at his son and says, "Wadda you want wit a watch?" Before the son can answer that he says, "Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?"

The son replies, "Time's up, Mario!"

Added: Thursday 3rd May 2007 18:00:02

RICE

Why can't Chinese Barbecue?

Because the rice falls through the grill.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Thursday 3rd May 2007 12:00:03

WEDDING NIGHT

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother.

"This is a job for Mama."

Added: Friday 27th April 2007 00:00:04

BIG FART

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor "Big Chief no fart."

The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.

The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no fart."

The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.

The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no fart."

After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.

The next day the girl comes back crying and says "Big fart no Chief!"

Added: Friday 13th April 2007 12:00:02

MACARENA WITH CHEESE

What do you call a spanish woman with a yeast infection?

A macarena with cheese.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 10th April 2007 18:00:09

CHANGING LIGHTBULBS

How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2: One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
room spins.

Added: Saturday 7th April 2007 00:00:02

HOW TO SPEAK SOUTHERN

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas

Added: Saturday 31st March 2007 00:00:02

MEXICAN IS AT BORDER

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

Added: Wednesday 28th March 2007 12:00:08

ADMIT THAT YOU DID THAT

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Added: Monday 26th March 2007 06:00:04

WHY ENGLISH IS TOUGH

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Added: Wednesday 14th March 2007 00:00:03

GEORGE & OPRAH

George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place.

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex.

But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.

George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet.

But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

Oprah says,"Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"

George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

Added: Monday 12th March 2007 18:00:04

3 GREAT SONS

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons.

The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."

The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City."

The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city."

Added: Wednesday 7th March 2007 12:00:02

VENTRILOQUIST LAUGH

A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: 'G'day mate. Good looking dog... mind if l speak to him?'

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid man.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey dog, how's it going old mate?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Local: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this man your owner?'

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.'

Local: (Look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this your owner?'

Horse: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'

Local: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if l talk to your sheep?'

Local: 'The sheep's a bloody liar!'

Added: Friday 2nd March 2007 12:00:02

ESSEX TONGUE

How to speak with an essex tongue!!

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an?item

amant-? Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband? - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t'day")

branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the
maff")

eye-eels? - Women's shoes

Furrock? - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig")

Saffend? - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan -? The city of London, the big smoke

webbats- Querying the location something or someone is ("Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I've? gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is ("I told ya a fazzand times?already")?

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Friday 23rd February 2007 12:00:02

AUSSIE WANKERS

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.

They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Added: Monday 12th February 2007 06:00:02

STAR TREK

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Saturday 10th February 2007 00:00:02

BASKETBALL

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Monday 29th January 2007 07:05:46

WINDING HIS CLOCK

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants!

The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial."

The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..."

"That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.

The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40".

The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off.

The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."

Added: Saturday 27th January 2007 01:05:44

YOU SHEERIN?

An Australian is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another Australian who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

Added: Monday 15th January 2007 00:00:04

JAPANESE BOOK

Have you heard of that Japanese book, "White, Creamy Walls"?

It was written by Whoflung Kum.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Friday 12th January 2007 18:00:08

NO MEXICANS PLEASE

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.

Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Sunday 7th January 2007 18:00:02

POLISH INDIAN

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."

Added: Saturday 6th January 2007 06:00:02

BRAGGING ABOUT JAPAN

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Added: Thursday 28th December 2006 18:00:02

INDIAN BIRTH NAMES

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Added: Sunday 17th December 2006 00:00:04

GOING HOME

How do you know if an Australian is gay ?

When he says he's going home to Sydney and you know he lives in Melbourne.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 13th December 2006 18:00:02

BLACK SHEEP

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."

Added: Wednesday 6th December 2006 06:00:03

ALL ROUND THE WORLD

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?
A different bar.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that bad a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they are not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland Australian schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex education class uses it.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f***?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'Bingo'.

What's the Cuban national anthem?
'Row, row, row, your boat.'

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' while a Southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

Added: Thursday 30th November 2006 12:00:02

IRAQUI CRUISE

An Iraqui was walking on the beach when he was approached by a man. "Say Buddy," said the man, "How"d you like to take a cruise for $100?"

"Sure!" exclaimed the Iraqui. When he gave the man his money, the guy pulled out a black jack and hit him over the head.

He pulled him down to the shore, put him in an inner tube and then shoved him off.

The next day, another Iraqui was walking on the beach, and was approached by the same man, in the same manner.

Sure enough, when the second Iraqui gave him his money, out came the black jack, and the second Iraqui was on his way out to sea.

Several days had passed, and the two Iraquis eventually ran into one another.

"Hey Buddy," the second asked the first, "do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

"They probably won't." said the first, "They didn't last year."

Added: Monday 23rd October 2006 18:00:02

JUMP OUT OF THE PLANE

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Added: Thursday 19th October 2006 18:00:02

ANT AND A GRASSHOPPER

THE ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN CANADIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.

"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.

Added: Sunday 15th October 2006 12:00:02

NATIONAL BIRD

What is Iraq's national bird?

Duck.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Saturday 14th October 2006 18:00:02

FIRING SQUAD

What does an Armenian firing squad look like?

10 guys in a circle.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Thursday 12th October 2006 18:00:03

RAIN?

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don’t know," he said. "Radio is broken."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Thursday 12th October 2006 06:00:05

DECISIONS

There are three guys in a small boat and it's sinking fast.

In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.

They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.

"Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese," says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.

"Yeah, and I have too many bananas," says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.

"Well, let me think," says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Friday 22nd September 2006 18:00:02

SPRAY PAINTING

What do you get when you cross a Pollack and a Chicano?

A kid who spray paints his name on chain link fences.

Added: Friday 22nd September 2006 12:00:02

IRISHMAN & SPRING

What do you call an Irishman who looks forward to the Spring?

Paddy O' Furniture.

Added: Friday 22nd September 2006 06:00:02

DISCUSSING THE TAX RATES

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Added: Friday 15th September 2006 00:00:04

THE AMERICAN, THE ASAIN, AND THE CANADIAN

There are 3 people standing on the top off a cliff, on american one asain and one canadian. They are told to throw off the item that appears most in their country. So the american says "Ah, that's to easy, I'll go first" so the american walks up to the cliff and throws off some drugs. The candian and the asain clap and say good job to the american. The american steps back and the asain goes next. He takes some rice and throws it of the cliff and says, "Too much rice, make me sick" The other two clap and the asain steps back and the canadian stepped forward. He thinks for quite a while and finnally decides. He picked um some beer and looked as if he was goin to throw it off but then he said, "Wait" and he chugged down the beer turned around grabbed the asain and threw him off the cliff and said, "Get the Fuck out of my country"

Added: Thursday 7th September 2006 06:00:06

MOTHER RUSSIA

Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

'I think it's raining,' he said to his wife.

'No, that felt more like snow to me,' she replied.

'No, I'm sure it was just rain,' he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.

'Let's not fight about it,' the man said. 'Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.'

As the official approached, the man said, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?'

'It's raining, of course,' he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, ‘I know that felt like snow.'

The man quietly replied, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

Added: Thursday 31st August 2006 06:00:09

MISC. ETHNIC ONE LINERS

Q: Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?
A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

Added: Monday 21st August 2006 00:00:03

SIMPLIFIED INCOME TAXES

REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM

New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes

1. How much money did you make in 2000?
2. Send it to us.

Added: Thursday 10th August 2006 18:00:02

DRINKING & FISHING

It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake.

After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.

When the others ask him about this, the Russian says "there is plenty of Vodka where I come from".

A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.

When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says "there is plenty of Tequila where I come from".

Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.

Added: Sunday 6th August 2006 00:00:05

VIRGIN WOOL

Somewhere in Australia....

"Papa," said the farmers son, "you were a sheepherder in your younger days, perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from."

" Virgin Wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldn't catch."

Added: Saturday 5th August 2006 06:00:03

ANY LAST WORDS?

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who were going to be shot.

On the day of the executions, they take the Scotsman outside.

"Any last words?", they asked.

He yelled "Earthquake!" and whilst the firing squad were running about in a panic, he climbed the wall and got away.

The Englishman, seeing this, thought he'd try it, so when his turn came.

He shouted "Flood!", and similarly escaped in the ensuing confusion.

The Irishman thought this was a good plan, too so when they asked him for his last words, he yelled "Fire!"

Added: Wednesday 2nd August 2006 12:00:02

AUSSIE VIRGIN

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"

Added: Monday 24th July 2006 00:00:02

EVALUATING THIS PAINTING

WELFARE DOLL

Did you hear about the Armenian welfare doll?

You wind it up and it doesn't work.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Wednesday 5th July 2006 05:52:09

MR WONG

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.

The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.

'Mr Wong, I'm afraid you have a cataract'

He replies, 'No I don't - I drive lincoln town car!'

Added: Friday 30th June 2006 17:53:09

ONLY FOUND IN AMERICA

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Added: Tuesday 27th June 2006 23:53:49

MEXICAN WEDDING RULE

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

Added: Saturday 17th June 2006 23:52:47

A CULTURAL COMPARISON

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Added: Monday 12th June 2006 18:14:33

WALKING ON WATER

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"

"Alrght, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, "Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!

Added: Saturday 10th June 2006 06:14:28

CROSS

What do you get when you cross a French man and a black man?

Jacques Custodian.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Saturday 10th June 2006 00:14:25

REMEMBER THE ALAMO

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Added: Saturday 3rd June 2006 00:14:21

MEXICAN JEWS

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews."

Added: Thursday 1st June 2006 12:14:21

STRANGE PEOPLE ARE HERE

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

Added: Wednesday 31st May 2006 18:14:20

INDIAN CLOCK

'Bob' was walking in a forest when he sees a naked man laying on the ground.

He askes what the heck are you doing there?

The indian answers, "Me clock."

"Ok, what time is it?" he asks

"2:00" he replied

And he was right so Bob walks away.

A while later he sees another man laying down also.

He also said he was a clock, and he too knew the correct time.

Bob kept walking around, and now sees a chief turning the naked guys penis's counter-clockwise.

He asks "Why are you turning their penis's?

The indian cheif answers, Rewinding clock !

Submitted by bomberman255
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 27th May 2006 18:14:17

BIG CHIEF NO FART

NUDE ITALIAN ON SHIP

An Italian kid, on a six-month cruise in the Navy, decides to send pictures to his mom and girlfriend. He takes a picture of himself naked, then rips it in half, intending to send the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his girlfriend. But he mixes them up.

When his mother gets his letter, she looks at the picture and says, "Atsa my Luigi ... long nose, droopy cheeks, and don't-a never shave."

Added: Sunday 21st May 2006 23:52:19

CATARACTS

60% of all Orientals have cataracts; the other 40 percent drive Lincoln Continentals.

Added: Sunday 21st May 2006 05:52:20

IRISH BAR FIGHT

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley." Kelly said. "She gave me her purse, but it wasn't much use in a fight!"

Added: Saturday 29th April 2006 17:52:05

ENMITY BETWEEN RACES

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"

Added: Thursday 27th April 2006 17:52:03

Home > Dirty Jokes > Ethnic Jokes