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COMPUTER JOKES (updated Saturday 18th May 2013 00:00:01 EDT)
PROGRAMMERS DYING
Q: What happens to programmers when they die?
A: They get deallocated, their values become undefined, they get re-intialized, their structues break down, they become WORM food, they start dropping bits, they branch to a new address, their social system resources are released, they dump core...
Added: Wednesday 17th August 2011 18:00:01
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS USING YOUR E-MAIL ACCOUNT
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
This document copyright © 1999 by Chris White.
Added: Saturday 13th August 2011 06:00:02
HOW TO BE ANNOYING O
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RDFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to (vice.president@whitehouse.gov ) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.
Added: Sunday 31st July 2011 06:00:02
MICROSOFT SUPPORT
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."
Added: Saturday 30th July 2011 00:00:01
GIRLFRIEND 1.0 SOFTWARE
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Added: Thursday 28th July 2011 06:00:01
DEFINITION OF WINDOWS
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Added: Friday 22nd July 2011 00:00:01
ADDICTED TO INTERNET
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
- C:DownloadsPorn C:DownloadsPornJuly C:DownloadsPornJuly
Added: Wednesday 6th July 2011 00:00:01
THE NEW WORK VIRUS
There is a new virus going around called WORK.
If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, the
Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open
it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any
WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your
boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out
for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.' Your
brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive
WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and
drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book.
If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK
virus has already corrupted your life!
Added: Monday 4th July 2011 00:00:01
3 INCH
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3" floppy.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Christine
Added: Wednesday 29th June 2011 12:00:01
GLOSSARY
It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:...." It means: "... and I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."It means: "... however, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please wait...." It means: "... indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 26th June 2011 12:00:01
LIFE CYCLE OF SOFTWARE
The Life Cycle of Software
- Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
- Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
- Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
- Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
- See 3.
- See 4.
- See 5.
- See 6.
- See 7.
- See 8.
- Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
- Users find 137 new bugs.
- Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
- Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
- Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
- Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
- New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
- Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
- See step 2
Added: Tuesday 21st June 2011 06:00:01
HEAVEN AND HELL
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
Added: Friday 17th June 2011 12:00:01
SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT CYCLE
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Added: Friday 17th June 2011 06:00:01
REMEMBER WHEN...
MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle
finger upright Now they all mean different things And that
really MEGA bytes
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank
account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found
out
Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something
you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long
trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a
backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A
web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu
I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when
it happens they wish they were dead
Added: Friday 10th June 2011 06:00:01
HAIKU
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? I'm sorry, there's -- um -- insufficient -- what's-it-called? The term eludes me. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again. The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file of that size It must be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the.....please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Added: Monday 6th June 2011 12:00:01
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON YOUR COMPUTER
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Added: Saturday 4th June 2011 06:00:01
IF AOL WAS A CITY
1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "We're Sorry, This Store is Temporarily Unavailable"
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Added: Wednesday 25th May 2011 18:00:01
AMERICA OFFLINE
[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
Added: Tuesday 24th May 2011 18:00:01
JINGLE GATES
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a merketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Added: Wednesday 11th May 2011 12:00:01
BILL GATES IN HELL
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?!?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"
"Why the PC?", he continued, ""It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?" said Lucifer.
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
Added: Tuesday 10th May 2011 06:00:01
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT
Computer Problem Report Form1. Describe your problem:________________________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problemaccurately:________________________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the causeof the problem:________________________________________________________________4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __9. Have you made it worse? Yes __10. Have you had a friend who knowsall about computers. Try to fix itfor you?Yes __ No __11. Did they make it even worse?Yes __12. Have you read the manual?Yes __ No __13. Are you sure you've read the manual?Maybe __ No __14. Are you absolutely you'veread the manual?No __15. If you read the manual, do you thinkyou understood it?Yes __ No __16. If Yes, then explain why you can'tfix the problem yourself.________________________________________________________________17. What were you doing with your computerat the time the problem occurred?________________________________________________________________l8. If you answered nothing, then explainwhy you were logged in?________________________________________________________________l9. Are you sure you aren't imaginingthe problem?Yes __ No __20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink12:00?Yes __ What's a VCR? __21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?Yes __ No __22. Do you have any independent witnessesto the problem?Yes __ No __23. Do you have any electronics productsthat DO work?Yes __ No __24. Is there anyone else you could blamethis problem on?Yes __ No __25. Have you given the machine a good whackon the top?Yes __ No __26. Is the machine on fire?Yes __ Not Yet __27. Can you do something else instead ofbothering me?Yes __
Added: Thursday 5th May 2011 12:00:01
PASSWORD SELECTION RULES
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
Added: Wednesday 13th April 2011 12:00:01
EMAIL MISTAKES
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
Added: Saturday 9th April 2011 12:00:01
ADDICTED TO EMAIL
How to Tell If You're Addicted To E-mail
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 28.8 KBPS- modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://www.edison~/garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 6th April 2011 00:00:01
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS OUTBREAKS!!
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if
by LAN, twice if by c:>
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microrganism."
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole dang thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any
child process without joining into a binary network.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot
of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part
of your computer.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a
3.5 percent margin of error).
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other
file.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in
Singapore.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few
minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then
self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and
service stations across rural America.
Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new
cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish
anything.
Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on
boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and
spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no
virus has gone before.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my
docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up
all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then
blames it on the Congressional virus.
L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a
million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
Added: Thursday 31st March 2011 12:00:01
ERROR WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Added: Saturday 19th March 2011 12:00:02
GATES AND LIGHTBULB
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.
Added: Thursday 17th March 2011 18:00:01
WAITING ON A LONG LINE
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
Added: Thursday 17th March 2011 00:00:01
MICROSOFT CRYSTAL BA
Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Added: Tuesday 15th March 2011 12:00:02
JUST TOO STUPID
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Added: Saturday 26th February 2011 18:00:01
THE HI-TECH WATCH
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies "Sure, which country?"
The fella asks "How many countries have you got?"
, to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."
The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.
"Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch" and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries."
Added: Wednesday 23rd February 2011 18:00:01
TWO HUMOROUS DITTIES - MICROSOFT & HONESTY (VER 2.0)
"Microsoft Commercial" You may have noticed that a new TV
ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the
musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from the
Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the
cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which
means, "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of
hell." <*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<
Bonus Joke: "Honesty" Dear Ann Landers, I am a sailor
in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of
Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston
North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing
and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two
brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder
of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in
the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his
three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a
former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed
is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however,
her time there is limited as she has recently been infected
with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are
currently looking into the possibility of opening our own
brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the
industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters
would be interested in joining our team. Although I would
prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would
get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My
problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to
bringing her into the family and of course I want to be
totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my
brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?
Added: Wednesday 23rd February 2011 00:00:01
MICROSOFT SEX
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performances as lovers. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Added: Sunday 20th February 2011 06:00:01
THE COMPUTER PRAYER
Our Morning Prayer . . .
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.
Added: Saturday 19th February 2011 12:00:02
WINDERS 98
WINDERS 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been
shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama
editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the
opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background
picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate
flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer
is called "This Infernal Contraption", Dialup Networking is
called "Good Ol' Boys", Control Panel is known as the "Dern
Dashboard", Hard Drive is referred to as "4 wheel drive",
and floppies are "them little ole plactic disc thangs".
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a
garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot yes = shore no =
Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over
yonder back = back yonder help = hep me
out here stop = ternit off start = crank
it up settings = sittins programs = stuff at does
stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that
winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98
tiperiter...........A word processor colering
book.......a graphics program addin
mershene......calculator outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association shot
gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by
zip code car ................same as truck just need two
list in Alabama cuzzins.............family history
usually a 3 meg file tax records.........usually an empty
file shells..............ammunition inventory another 3
meg file bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by
zip code rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule
includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n
truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code doc
...............veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to
Microsoft for a replacement version.
Added: Sunday 13th February 2011 00:00:01
FLAT TIRE
A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the desert when they get a flat tire. The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car."
The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see if we can isolate the problem."
The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the problem reoccurs."
Added: Saturday 12th February 2011 00:00:01
CRAZY TIMES VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty
nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but
it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.
2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the
tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness
settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
7) It will drink all your beer.
8) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you
are expecting company.
9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind
your ears.
10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair
with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend
behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your
Visa card.
11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things
in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your
active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.
14) If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses
and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with
whole milk.
16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
18) It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Added: Friday 11th February 2011 18:00:01
HANG YOUR @
Home is where you hang your @.
Added: Saturday 5th February 2011 00:00:01
WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
While his father was tapping away on his computer, his ten
year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and
ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I
know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sister asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk, asterisk!"
Added: Tuesday 25th January 2011 18:00:01
THE APPLE EXPLOSION
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.
Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."
A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.
Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.
The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.
Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.
Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."
In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.
Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.
Added: Monday 24th January 2011 06:00:01
BILL GATES IN HELL
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Added: Friday 7th January 2011 06:00:01
MY DARLING HUSBAND
Dear John,
I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Angela.
Added: Friday 7th January 2011 00:00:01
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Added: Thursday 6th January 2011 12:00:01
BILL GATES IN HELL
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "But the bottle has a hole in it!"
"Why the PC?", he continued ", "It's got the latest version of Windows and it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?" said Lucifer.
"Control, Alt and Delete!"
Added: Saturday 25th December 2010 06:00:02
100 BUCKETS OF BITS
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
...
Added: Thursday 9th December 2010 06:00:01
I HAVE A KEYBOARD ERROR
A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Added: Sunday 5th December 2010 18:00:01
BILL GATES GETS A BJ
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill replies with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"
So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God... now I know why you chose the name Devine."
To which she replies, "Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!"
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 5th December 2010 06:00:01
THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Added: Thursday 2nd December 2010 00:00:02
CHANGING NUMBER TERMS
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Added: Tuesday 30th November 2010 06:00:01
99' LITTLE BUGS IN THE CODE
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
Added: Sunday 28th November 2010 06:00:01
IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:
1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
Added: Friday 26th November 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Added: Thursday 18th November 2010 12:00:01
PUPPIES DON'T SURF...
Why Dogs don't surf the web...
Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
Added: Monday 8th November 2010 00:00:01
EMAIL COMMANDMENTS
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Added: Saturday 6th November 2010 00:00:01
IF AOL WAS A CITY
1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you, "Really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "We're sorry, this store is temporarily unavailable."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 3rd November 2010 18:00:01
MOUSE PAD
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Added: Wednesday 3rd November 2010 12:00:01
NERD SEASON
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
Added: Wednesday 27th October 2010 06:00:01
GM MICRO
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT."
But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?"
before going off.
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine
Added: Saturday 23rd October 2010 12:00:01
BILL'S WEDDING NIGHT
Right after the wedding, in bed, in a fancy hotel, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates decided to name the new company together.
Mrs. Gates: How about we name it after your penis?
BILL: Why the hell would we do that?
Mrs. Gates: Oh, I don't know. I always did like the name Microsoft.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 8th October 2010 18:00:01
FLOPPY DISKS
Caring for floppy disks
ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?
SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.
MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.
MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.
SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
Added: Thursday 7th October 2010 12:00:01
BILL GATES' MARRIAGE
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding day?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Added: Monday 4th October 2010 06:00:02
INTERNET ADDICTIONS
Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)
As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Diagnostic Criteria
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(b) anxiety
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
Added: Thursday 30th September 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER VIRUSES 2
Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte
Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy
Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting
Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files
Added: Monday 27th September 2010 12:00:01
THE PROBLEM IS AT YOUR END
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Added: Sunday 26th September 2010 12:00:02
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
Describe your problem: ____________________________________________
Now, describe the problem accurately:
___________________________________________________________________
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
___________________________________________________________________
Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
Have you made it worse? Yes__
Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
___________________________________________________________________
How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
___________________________________________________________________
If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
___________________________________________________________________
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
How does this problem make you feel?
___________________________________________________________________
Tell me about your childhood ____________________________________________
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Added: Sunday 19th September 2010 12:00:01
COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Added: Sunday 12th September 2010 00:00:01
EXTROVERT
How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
Added: Tuesday 7th September 2010 18:00:01
WINDOWS 98 HOURLY TWEAKS
11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft
10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.
9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan."
7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."
4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."
3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."
Added: Sunday 5th September 2010 18:00:01
DEAR AGONY AUNT
Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Larry
Added: Monday 23rd August 2010 18:00:01
FLOPPY DISK CARE
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.- Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
- Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
- Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
- Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
- Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
- Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
- If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
- Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
- Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
- Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
- Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Added: Wednesday 18th August 2010 12:00:01
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"
Added: Friday 6th August 2010 18:00:01
THE TECHNICAL GEEK TEST
Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
Added: Monday 2nd August 2010 00:00:01
COMPUTER CAMP
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to
turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must
be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal
10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner
to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire
-- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for
weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that
specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had
known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't
explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
-----------------------------------
Letter # 1 ---------- The kids are dorky nerds. The food
stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning
how to program. Late at night is the best time to program,
so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2 ------------- Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the
way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now.
Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It's spell checked too.
Letter # 3 ------------- Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories
by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat.
I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very
often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight
anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food
too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4 ------------- Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is
the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony
worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you
send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did
you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my
regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5 ------------- Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not
pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm
real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's
really easy! I got into the university's in less than
fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to
show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore.
So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6 ------------- Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so
upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe
me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud
of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A
publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid
for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7 ------------- Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only
ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do
not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable
(i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers).
I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It's been two
weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's
probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by
printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a
life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank
you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 12:00:01
WHEN CHOOSING A MATE
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Engineers
DOCTORS
------- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
------ Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
-------- See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,
---------------------- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?"
, he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER
------- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
Added: Wednesday 21st July 2010 06:00:01
MICROSOFT SUPPORT
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away.
Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely.
So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer.
Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger.
When he saw it he shouted back, "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must be yours..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 8th July 2010 12:00:01
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS
If Operating Systems were Beers
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of
them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its
cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
New to the market, and a lot of people have taste-tested it
and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's
can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in
32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the
small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in
DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an
entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy
bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1
Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look
just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts
shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands
taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when
you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
complete set of instructions or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has
been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer
will be an import. This beer never really sold very well
because the original manufacturer didn't understand
marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a
16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can
was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful,
but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only
meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to
explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best
drunk in high pressure development environments. When you
call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're
told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing
in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumours are that this
was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference as a
tranquilliser, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Added: Tuesday 6th July 2010 18:00:01
BILL GATES CAN CHOOSE HIS PUNISHMENT
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
Added: Monday 5th July 2010 00:00:01
WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy," 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lotof trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis...
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
Added: Thursday 1st July 2010 06:00:02
ADDICTED TO THE NET
You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Added: Tuesday 29th June 2010 06:00:01
TYPES OF COMPUTER VIRUSES
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Added: Friday 18th June 2010 18:00:01
TV V. COMPUTER
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in
like a computer.
Added: Friday 18th June 2010 12:00:01
CAR BREAK TROUBLE
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Added: Wednesday 9th June 2010 18:00:01
GIRLFRIEND V1.0
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Added: Wednesday 9th June 2010 12:00:01
TECHNICAL CARS
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Added: Wednesday 9th June 2010 06:00:02
MINISKIRTS
What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
Access time.
Added: Monday 7th June 2010 12:00:02
THE COMPUTER PRAYER
Our Computer,
Who art in Centrals,
Hallowed be Thy screen.
Thy Keyboard come,
Thy will be done on Drive as it is in Memory.
Give us this day our daily Mail;
And forgive us our hackings,
As we forgive those who programmed You with bugs;
And lead us not into crash,
But deliver us from virus.
Enter
Added: Sunday 6th June 2010 00:00:01
FIXING BROKEN COMPUTERS
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
Added: Friday 28th May 2010 12:00:01
IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?
The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
... However...
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
Added: Tuesday 25th May 2010 06:00:01
COMPUTER USERS
Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.
Added: Monday 24th May 2010 18:00:01
DOT COM MERGERS
In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: Disney Data General United Health Care.
The names of the new mega company will be:
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
Added: Wednesday 19th May 2010 06:00:01
ERROR CODES IN WINDOWS
WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in dangerWinErr 002: No Error - YetWinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every fileWinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrongWinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confusedWinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on driveWinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardwareWinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragmentsWinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happenedWinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox fullWinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MBWinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outsideWinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look insideWinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happenedWinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developersWinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outsideWinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look insideWinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.
Added: Thursday 13th May 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER USED TOO LONG
You know you have been on the computer too long when...
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.
Added: Wednesday 12th May 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER GEEK
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy,
Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith.
The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown.
The geek passes out.
The big guy fans him and brings him too.
Why did you pass out he asked?
The geek replies, what did you say your name was?
Turner Brown he replies.
Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
Added: Sunday 9th May 2010 18:00:01
TEN THINGS BILL GATES WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT THE AUTOMOTIVE INDUSTRY
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Added: Friday 30th April 2010 06:00:02
ROB'S FROG
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and yisman
Added: Sunday 18th April 2010 12:00:01
ID10T
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
A puzzled expression ran over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?"
Susie replied, "No."
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 14th April 2010 12:00:01
TOO MUCH TIME AT THE
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Added: Monday 12th April 2010 12:00:02
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE TELEVISION IS BETTER THAN THE WORLD WIDE WEB
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Added: Tuesday 23rd March 2010 12:00:01
HOW GOD CREATED THE COMPUTER
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
Added: Monday 22nd March 2010 00:00:01
MICROSOFT TRADEMARKS TM
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.
Added: Sunday 21st March 2010 06:00:01
NEED DIRECTIONS..
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man.
"How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
Added: Tuesday 16th March 2010 18:00:01
IT'S TIME TO RE-ASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR COMPUTER WHEN . . .
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the
bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back
to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or
two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't
have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel
really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends
because they have non-descript screen name and you never
bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape"
before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just
say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it
to a friend!
Added: Tuesday 16th March 2010 00:00:02
MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSERT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
Added: Sunday 14th March 2010 00:00:01
UNIX EXPERT
How does a UNIX expert have sex?
Unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 11th March 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER POEM
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
Added: Thursday 4th March 2010 06:00:01
CAVEMAN TECH SUPPORT
The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a
rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from
make fire, right?
Added: Sunday 28th February 2010 18:00:01
EMAIL REPLY
To all those people taking leave soon, here's some great suggestions for when you set up your "out of office" auto replies ...
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection ad is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.
(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position.
AND FINALLY ... (this one takes the cake!)
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.
Added: Thursday 25th February 2010 18:00:01
TEN LITTLE GIGABYTES
Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly overrun, took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.
Added: Thursday 18th February 2010 06:00:01
INTERNET COMMANDMENTS
12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.
11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***
10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.
9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.
8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.
7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!
6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.
5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.
4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click "Reply to all."
3. Thou shall not call thyself "Richard P. Smith" online when "Chesty LaRue" sounds so much better.
2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife - and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.
Added: Wednesday 17th February 2010 06:00:01
COMPUTER BUSINESS
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support
employee:
"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Added: Wednesday 10th February 2010 00:00:02
MICROSOFT DINNER 200
Microsoft Dinner 2001 *********************
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@5...%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2001. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Added: Sunday 24th January 2010 00:00:01
HELP STORIES FROM TECH SUPPORT
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Added: Friday 22nd January 2010 12:00:01
FLOPPY DISKS
Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.
Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap.
When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine.
If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing.
Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.
Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand.
Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.
Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Added: Tuesday 19th January 2010 06:00:01
WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
Top 19 List of Reasons Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
19. Can't stick our heads out of Windows 95.
18. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
17. Hard to read the monitor with our heads cocked to one
side.
16. Too difficult to "mark" every website we visit.
15. Can't help attacking the screen when we hear "You've got
mail!".
14. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
13. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway that we're
browsing http://www.purina.com!
12. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
11. Still trying to come up with an 'emoticon' that
signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the
Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other paw...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating owner's voice
recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test!
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of
the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets might difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. General sniffing, growls, and howls are more direct and
less deceiving than online chat rooms.
And the Number 1 Reason why Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. Tro[gO DsR],bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WelJTyH PAzWqS;(Too
Darn Hard To Type With Paws)
Added: Sunday 17th January 2010 00:00:01
NEW VIRUSES ON THE LOOSE!
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Added: Saturday 16th January 2010 06:00:01
THREE BEGGARS
There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
Added: Monday 11th January 2010 18:00:02
THE WORLD'S SMARTEST MAN?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
Added: Saturday 9th January 2010 18:00:01
31 SIGNS THAT TECHNOLOGY HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead
. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
Added: Friday 8th January 2010 18:00:01
WANNA MAKE $$$ FAST?
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the SHIFT key.
2) While still holding down the SHIFT key, Hit the "4" key on your keyboard four times
Added: Monday 4th January 2010 00:00:01
WIRED MESSAGES
In the days before e-mail, faxes, etc. when the quickest way
to communicate was via telegram, Western Union charged by the
word. People would try to shorten the message by omitting
words, or phonetic codes, etc. These became known as
"scotch-o-grams"
Here are some examples:
MUSCATEL OUT OF THERE
OHIO LOVE YOU
A summer camp counselor sent to the parents of a little girl
named Ann, who sat on an ant hill and had to be taken to the
infirmary for treatment:
ANACIN HOSPITAL ADAMNANT BITTER ASSININE PLACES
A gossip columnist needed some personal information on actor
Cary Grant for a column. She wired the following query to
Grant's agent:
HOW OLD CARY GRANT?
Grant's agent wired back:
OLD CARY GRANT FINE. HOW YOU?
Added: Sunday 3rd January 2010 12:00:01
HUSBAND 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.
Added: Saturday 26th December 2009 12:00:01
WINDOWS 2000 RELEASE
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for
the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until
the second quarter of 1901.
Added: Thursday 24th December 2009 06:00:02
SOUTH AFRICAN WINDOWS 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New
South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally
been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New
South African editions you may need some help understanding
the commands. The New South African edition may be
recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E
WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle
superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a
Black Label screen saver.
New Features:
samblief = OK
Aikona = Cancel
auk! mistake! = Undo
aikona, not mistake! = Redo
Ekke ek bere hom = Save
Ekke ek soek hom = Find
ah dunno = Help
stat = Start
Settings = (pre-set on this edition)
hamba = Run
my thieengs = Personal folder
Chaila = Shut Down
Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98"
MS Wed = a word processor
Calculata = calculator
Scratch peppa = notepad
Jive Box = CD player
I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer
Piktchas = a graphics viewer
Stockvel = M/S accounting software
Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local
off-sales and their prices.
Black Label tax records = usually an empty file
Fafi = game replacing Solitaire
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Dustbin.
Control Panel is known as Don' touch dees buttons!
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you
received a copy of the New South African edition. You may
return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.
Added: Wednesday 23rd December 2009 00:00:01
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH,
however, does have it's advantages. I assign the tape device
to null - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't
have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And
it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's
excuse ".. clock speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied)
"Do you know when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them
is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone
else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need
is one page of Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that
buddy!" I hang up.
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me.
I put on a gruff voice
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone
calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract
your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call
from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've
finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME -
AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's
obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the
Dean's office. I look up his username and find his
department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES
RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE
HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"Um. Ok"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL
ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO
THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE
MESSAGE ON"
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I
was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick
copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds.
Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that
of Jimmy Stewart in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch
that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too
late, he's a goner and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account,
*please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the
mouthpeice.
"There, you've got plenty of space now"
"How much have I got"
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want
me to give them extra disk, they want to check it, to correct
me if I don't give them enough. They should be happy with
what I give them *and that's it*!!!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his
bargaining power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room
temperature "4 Meg in total..."
"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg
Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me; I really do!
Added: Tuesday 22nd December 2009 00:00:02
SOLUTION TO THE Y2K PROBLEM
The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.
Added: Monday 21st December 2009 12:00:01
CALLING TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our
technicians are currently busy helping people who are even
less competent than you, so please hold for the next
available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit
product identification number on to your telephone, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to
prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11
3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at
some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM
disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in
order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful
customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,
please call the company that sent you the computer and ask
them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,
fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while
you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing
while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected
and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order
to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to
know more about you and your equipment. Have you called
Technical Support before? If you have, please press the
numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using
the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all
of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that
to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may
now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to
the technician about your problem and risking the possibility
that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask
yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is
dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I
consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on
the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek
cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing
for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really
be so bored that you have to call technical support just to
have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be
aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as
the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access
erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!
Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to
lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in
line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected
again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic
sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die
from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,
please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in
its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down
its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from
our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve
your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical
problems arise.
Added: Saturday 5th December 2009 18:00:01
MIT GRAD JOBS
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years ... perhaps, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied,
"Yeah, but you started it."
Added: Wednesday 2nd December 2009 12:00:01
MICROSOFT RENAMES ITSELF
Newsflash
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
Added: Sunday 29th November 2009 18:00:01
WINDOWS 2000 ERROR MESSAGES
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A32CF Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547 LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error. Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)"'
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Added: Monday 16th November 2009 18:00:01
WHAT MOVIES TEACH US
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
Added: Wednesday 4th November 2009 18:00:01
COMPUTERS ARE MALE
10 Reasons why computers are male.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Added: Tuesday 3rd November 2009 18:00:01
COMPUTER VIRUSES
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 1.3 GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3 GB.
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congressional virus.
DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS:
Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT
L.A.P.D. VIRUS:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".
Added: Monday 26th October 2009 06:00:01
ACTUAL CALLS TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
Added: Sunday 25th October 2009 18:00:01
NEWEST MS COMPUTER GAME
Solitaire '99
Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire '98
README file, v4.3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*
Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.
System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)
- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)
Installation Procedure:
1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray.
2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer.
3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure.
4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray.
5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.
6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.
Playing The Game:
Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98.
To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs.
For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates.
Coming Soon:
Minesweeper '99!
Watch this space.
[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
Added: Monday 19th October 2009 00:00:02
MATH PROBLEMS?
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
Added: Saturday 17th October 2009 00:00:01
GIRLFRIEND TO WIFE
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 16th October 2009 12:00:01
COMPUTER MOVERS
Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.
One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.
At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"
At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "Thats right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"
Added: Tuesday 6th October 2009 18:00:01
THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU MAKE
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Added: Saturday 26th September 2009 06:00:01
PROGRAMMER ON PLANE
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.
The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep
Added: Friday 25th September 2009 00:00:01
INTERNET CAN GET WORSE
Top ten ways the Internet could get worse
10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
8. Home shopping "network".
7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
3. Gameboy web browsers.
2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:
1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"
Added: Monday 21st September 2009 00:00:01
10 REASONS WHY...
1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 18th September 2009 18:00:02
DEAR AGONY AUNT...
Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely, Larry
Added: Friday 18th September 2009 12:00:01
20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
20> Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19> Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18> Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17> Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16> Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've > Got Mail."
15> Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14> Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13> Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12> Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11> Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10> Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9> Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8> 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7> Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6> SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5> SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4> Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3> Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2> Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1> TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1> Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
Added: Friday 18th September 2009 06:00:01
STAR TREK - NEXT DEGENERATION
What did Commander Data say after he was turned on, the
first time?
"12 Million Terrabyte Positron memory ready."
After a short while.
640K Base memory.
Added: Thursday 17th September 2009 18:00:01
SURFING THE INTERNET
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?
Added: Thursday 17th September 2009 12:00:01
HOW TO IMPRESS A CLIENT
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle, when
I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting a very important client that was also flying to
Seattle with me, but she was running a bit late. Being the
fairly forward person I am, I approached Mr. Gates and
introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting
some very important business, and how I would really
appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me
while I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later
when I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my
shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at
him. He said "Hey Chris, what's happening?" To which I
replied "Take a Hike Gates! I'm in a meeting!"
Added: Saturday 5th September 2009 06:00:01
LIGHTBULBS
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None - they will re-define darkness as an industry standard
Added: Saturday 22nd August 2009 18:00:01
LIGHT BULB
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
* 53 to flame the spell checkers
* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
* 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Added: Wednesday 19th August 2009 06:00:04
PROPER DISKETTE AND CARE USAGE
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
Added: Monday 17th August 2009 00:00:02
NEW SOFTWARE
My Ass
This memo is to announce the development of a new Y2K-compliant software system known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS."
Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 13th August 2009 00:00:02
A HUSBAND WITH A COMPUTER ADDICTION
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Added: Monday 10th August 2009 12:00:02
THE SMELLY POWERBOOK
The following is a true story, reported by Bill Stebbins
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a
dead PowerBook. Fault description: hangs on startup. An
additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from
the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise
was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but
no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client
vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no one's going
to admit doing something that totally invalidates their
warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about
filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough,
an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to
Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point
I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise
though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which
seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking
the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the
battery from its compartment, only to observe that the entire
battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a
rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water
would look like -- oily and colorful). I also noticed that
the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment
onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than
multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery had
somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which
would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of
ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part
of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I
ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not
leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run
out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of
a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that
the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction of the
plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then
unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the
PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard
disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard
appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was
quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I
invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer
an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who
seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a
cat?" As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have
a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of
the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt
about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and
downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty
form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit
urine anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance
company. In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the
customer upgraded. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed
the service department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field
of Flowers." I checked in with the customer about a week
later, asked how was he enjoying the new PowerBook, asked if
he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how
was his rabbit?
"Delicious," he said.
Added: Thursday 6th August 2009 12:00:01
GENERAL FAILURE
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Added: Thursday 6th August 2009 06:00:03
THE PDP
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.
"What are you doing?"
, asked Minsky.
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
"Why is the net wired randomly?"
, asked Minsky.
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play."
Minsky shut his eyes.
"Why do you close your eyes?"
, Sussman asked his teacher.
"So the room will be empty."
At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
Added: Monday 3rd August 2009 18:00:01
TYPE WHAT I TELL YOU
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.
He said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.
Added: Sunday 2nd August 2009 00:00:01
BAITING
A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops for dinner.
As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and takes his order.
As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 26th July 2009 12:00:01
BILL GATES HOUSE
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It’s the only way."
Bill: “Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Added: Saturday 25th July 2009 18:00:01
GET SOME SUPER SEX
A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
Added: Monday 20th July 2009 00:00:01
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section
of the manual where you least expect to find
it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your
mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want to do.
Added: Friday 12th June 2009 18:00:02
GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
The young man grew up and has achieved his ultimate goal.
He's now working for Microsoft writing error messages!
Added: Wednesday 10th June 2009 12:00:02
SCIFI ANSWERPHONE ME
STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Bridge, Kirk here.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.
(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.
(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.
(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...
Hello, you've reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Added: Monday 8th June 2009 06:00:04
INTERNET HIGHWAY BLUES
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.
Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.
Added: Monday 8th June 2009 00:00:01
CYBER RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP LETTER
CYBER BREAK UP LETTER
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic
removal of
unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online
affair. This
termination takes effect immediately, but only because I
could not make
it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this
action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,
competent,
your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the
romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to
refer to me
has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance
of
punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you
were less
than honest:
· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a
man.
· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a
woman.
· __ You typed your own name at the end.
· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is
simply page 56
of a Jackie Collins novel.
· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you
are hiding
something from me.
· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS
test suggests
a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __
police record.
· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders
unless I wish
to face stalking charges.
· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all
the time
you're spending on the computer.
· __ I have established a more personal relationship with
the Lord, and
I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you
can do to
ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are
closer than
you think.
· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me
leaves me
feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are
only 14
violates the terms of my parole.
· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you
misbegotten son of a
bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],
that there is
nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my
attorney,
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]
Added: Thursday 28th May 2009 06:00:05
CHAOS
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Added: Monday 25th May 2009 12:00:02
I'VE GOT WINDOWS
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."
And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 19th May 2009 18:00:02
FROM THE ANCIENT TOM
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: "Do not worry, it is unharmed."
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5 IOCC98D444AA08EI324
"I cannot understand the fiery letters," I said in a timid voice.
"No but I can," he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
"'One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'
"It is only two lines from a verse long known in System-lore:
"'Three OS's from corporate-kings in their towers of glass, Seven from valley-lords where orchards used to grow, Nine from dotcoms doomed to die, One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie. One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.'"
Added: Monday 18th May 2009 12:00:02
EXCUSES FOR PLAYING
DOOM EXCUSES
What to tell your boss when:
A) You are suspected of playing DOOM:
1) "Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!"
2) "Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database Online Operational Management. Yeah, your right, 'WAD' is a pretty strange extension, isn't it?"
3) "Yeah, I've heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC ducts, maybe?"
B) You are overheard playing DOOM:
1) "Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight through lunch today."
2) "Chainsaw? No, I don't have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask her."
3) "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the phone, we're not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It's a long story, she hates it when I call her that."
C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM:
1) "You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up or something and I can't get it to go off."
2) "It's the latest in CAD!"
3) "It's an assertiveness training program."
4) "It's supposed to be 'Barney's Jungle Adventure' - I just picked it up for the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me."
5) "I don't know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got some bad interference on the Net or something."
6) "I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure it's the 'KillingGlee' VGA virus. Don't know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it out."
Added: Saturday 16th May 2009 00:00:01
DR. SEUSS
What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 15th May 2009 18:00:01
CUSTOMER SUPPORT LOGS
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
Support: "Went away?"
Customer:"They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: ......"Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer:"I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Added: Thursday 7th May 2009 18:00:01
DON'T READ
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 3rd May 2009 06:00:04
COMPUTER LINGO GUIDE
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
Added: Friday 1st May 2009 00:00:01
EUNICHS
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replies.
"Eunuchs convention?"
she questions.
"I didn't know there were that many of you."
Added: Wednesday 29th April 2009 06:00:05
COMPUTERS - MALE OR FEMALE?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.
Added: Tuesday 28th April 2009 18:00:02
MIKE TYSON PC
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 21st April 2009 00:00:01
STUCK ON AN ISLAND
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.
It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy.
Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else.
He lost all hope and for hours on end and sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man, amazed.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island.
I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.
But, enough of that," she said.
"Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice.
They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home", she said.
"Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied.
"I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean-shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.
Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.
After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship.
You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...
Isn't there something that you really, really miss?
Something that all men and woman need?
Something that would be really nice to have right now...?"
"Yes there is," the man replied, shucking off his shyness.
"There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL?!!?!"
Added: Monday 20th April 2009 18:00:04
WEB ADDICT
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8 ) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 16th April 2009 06:00:05
PURCHASING FURNITURE
I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:
Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
C: But how do get there?
Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:
C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!
Added: Tuesday 7th April 2009 00:00:02
Y ZERO K
Message from: Rome
October 3, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change
from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't
much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now
we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it
earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last
minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that
Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out
the calendar. He said he could see
why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting
astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards
using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged
a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass
flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise men in the east working
on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's
all over. Some say the world will
cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K
problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further
develops. I must end this message short because I have
suffered from a terrible case of enscriber's syndrome ever
since you sent us the new
high-speed rewriteable tablets.
Best Regards,
Plutonius
Added: Sunday 5th April 2009 18:00:02
10 SIGNS YOUR AN INTERNET GEEK
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Added: Monday 30th March 2009 06:00:04
HORNY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER
What does a computer programmer say just before screwing his
wife?
Honey, let me stick in that floppy so I can make a copy . . .
Added: Sunday 29th March 2009 12:00:01
THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Added: Sunday 29th March 2009 00:00:03
SCIENTIST
What do you call a computer scientist?
It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer to come anyway.
Added: Saturday 21st March 2009 06:00:05
JOHN THE ENGINEER
John, an engineer at a manufacturing company, was well respected for his engineering knowledge.
When a new computer system was put in to help with the engineering duties, the brass at the company was given a demonstration of the new systems abilities.
To give the computer as test, the brass asked the computer a solve a difficult engineering equation.
The computer promptly responded back with the perfect answer, ask John.
Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 12:00:02
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR C PROGRAMMERS
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.
2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.
3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.
4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.
5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.
6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.
7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.
8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.
9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.
10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.
Added: Sunday 15th March 2009 06:00:04
PROGRAMMER GUFFAWS
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, that's a hardware problem!
Added: Sunday 15th March 2009 00:00:03
JOB APPLICATION
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
Added: Sunday 1st March 2009 00:00:01
COMPUTER SUPPORT PRO
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up B. ___Frozen C. ___Hung D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in: ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
Added: Wednesday 25th February 2009 00:00:01
PROGRAMMERS
At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors, Bill Gates said it’s puzzling why more kids don’t want to become computer programmers.
Gee, I don’t know, you think maybe it’s because at some point they’d actually like to have a girlfriend.
Added: Monday 23rd February 2009 18:00:01
THE SYSTEM CRASH SONG
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash") I was working in the lab, late one nightWhen my eyes beheld an eerie sight,Some smoke from our VAX began to riseAnd suddenly, to my surprise... [chorus](There was a crash) There was a system crash(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash(A system crash) It came down in a flash(There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room,Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,But we had one like this just the other dayWhich blew up 4 megs and the SBA"[chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnosticshad all run through, When a power fluck made itall run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew tooSo we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one nightWhen a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to doWhen you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...[chorus]
Added: Monday 16th February 2009 00:00:02
CUP HOLDER IS NOT WORKING IN MY COMPUTER
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to ask
about how much they are satisfied with their computer.
Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recently
purchased a computer from us.
Client: Oh Yeah.
Company: Are you satisfied with your computer?
Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with a
coffee cup holder and after many use it's not working.
Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with a
coffee cup holder.
Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer and
there is a little button when I press it, a tray comes out
and I put the cup on it.
Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. It
is used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it as
a cup holder.
Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
Added: Wednesday 11th February 2009 06:00:05
ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Added: Saturday 24th January 2009 18:00:01
Y10K
December, 9999 . . . If only those programmers in 1999 had
insisted on 5 digits in their dates, we would not be spending
quadrillions on the year 10000!
Added: Monday 19th January 2009 12:00:01
COMPUTER SAYINGS
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single
click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we
practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Added: Saturday 17th January 2009 18:00:01
BILL GATES'S BAB
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm.
And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Added: Friday 16th January 2009 12:00:02
THE AOL CAR
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Added: Tuesday 13th January 2009 18:00:03
THE PROGRAMMER'S CHEER
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Added: Wednesday 7th January 2009 12:00:01
YOU HAVE AN INTERNET ADDICTION WHEN . . .
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog's homepage is actually good.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Added: Wednesday 31st December 2008 00:00:02
$$$$
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 29th December 2008 00:00:01
DREAM JOB
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 26th December 2008 06:00:01
M.Y.A.S.S.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."
Added: Monday 22nd December 2008 06:00:02
AIRPLANES RUNNING OPERATING SYSTEMS
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Added: Friday 19th December 2008 18:00:01
PROGRAM
PROGRAM (pro'-gram)
[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
[v] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 18th December 2008 18:00:02
ACCIDENT
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Added: Tuesday 16th December 2008 12:00:02
DISNEY PASSWORD
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Added: Tuesday 9th December 2008 12:00:01
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN THE MOVIES
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long
sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA
or some such governmental institution, will have easy to
understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have
incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can
correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain
English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any
information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET
FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus
by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the
information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's
turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on
the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
(Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a
dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and
have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions
are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a
shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump
backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off
without saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive
computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two
tries.
14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the
"OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the
average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for
larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without
a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data
will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems
usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes
per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer
overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the
entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes
the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and
Present Danger").
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are
automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with any other computer
regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated.
(See "Independence Day".)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy
drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it
will have. (See "Aliens".)
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech
computers because the buttons have no labels except for the
"SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have
reality-defying three-dimensional active animation,
photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone
capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so
bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien"
or "2001".)
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are
looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See
"Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like
"file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)
Added: Saturday 29th November 2008 00:00:02
MICROSOFT PANHANDLER V1.0 (BETA)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.
Added: Sunday 23rd November 2008 00:00:02
THE LORDS PRAYER
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
Added: Saturday 22nd November 2008 18:00:01
THE BROKEN MACHINE
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."
Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.
Added: Tuesday 18th November 2008 06:00:02
MICROSOFT TECH SUPPORT GOES TO THE MILITARY
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot
camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The
report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He
looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He
put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed
the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled
toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the
trouble must be at your end!"
Added: Friday 7th November 2008 06:00:01
I'M IGNORING Y2K
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
Added: Sunday 2nd November 2008 00:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO AOL IF
* Tech Support calls "You" for help.
* Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
* You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
* You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
* You keep begging your friends to get an account "so we can hang out."
* Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
* You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
* you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
* you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
* You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish."
* you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."
* you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you're going to be away.
* you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
* you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
* you have met over 100 AOLers.
* you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
* when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
* you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
* you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are online again.
* you know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
* you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
* you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
* you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).
* you change s/n's so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).
* you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.
* you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n's.
* your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
* you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
* you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
* you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
* your dog leaves you.
* you have to ask what year it is.
* you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
* you write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!"
* you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
* you smile sideways. :-)
* you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
* you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
* you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
* you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
* your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think "uh oh, cybersex pervo."
* you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.
* you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one... hehehe).
* you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
* your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
* you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
* you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
* you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
* you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
* you don't know where the time has gone.
* you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
* your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
* you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
* you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
* you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
* when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
* you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
* your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL."
* you type faster than you think.
* you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
* you want to be buried with your computer when it dies...or vice versa
* you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
* you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
* people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
* you dream in text.
* being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
* there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
* you double click your tv remote.
* you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
* you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
* you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
* you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
* you go into withdrawals during dinner
* you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
* you stop speaking in full sentences
* you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers
* you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
* your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
* you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on"
* you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.
Added: Monday 27th October 2008 12:00:02
NEW VIRUS WARNING
This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Added: Sunday 26th October 2008 18:00:03
WHICH WAY DID HE GO?
Q: Which way did the thief go when he stole the computer?
A: "Data-way."
Added: Sunday 19th October 2008 12:00:01
14 SIGNS YOUR ONLINE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T WORKING OUT
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
8) Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
Added: Friday 10th October 2008 00:00:01
THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Added: Saturday 13th September 2008 18:00:01
COMPUTER PROBLEM
The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it. After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine.
One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"
Added: Sunday 7th September 2008 12:00:01
BILL GATES PICKS HIS OWN PUNISHMENT
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Added: Friday 5th September 2008 12:00:01
TOP TEN WAYS Y2K WILL AFFECT DISNEY WORLD
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
Added: Monday 25th August 2008 00:00:01
99' LITTLE BUGS IN THE CODE
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
Added: Saturday 23rd August 2008 12:00:01
GREAT NEWS FOR BILL GATES
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.
Added: Thursday 21st August 2008 12:00:01
CONTRACEPTIVE98
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft
Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users
who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in
peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The
product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from
Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0
is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two
expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the
Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual
services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo
niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next
year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs
to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product
installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most
requirements. After installation, operation commences. One
caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete
the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is
initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to
turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures
were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection
Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions
had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated.
The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its
drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price
tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully,
future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing
functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible
Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about "Our
contraceptive products will help users do to each other what
we've been doing to our customers for years."
Added: Tuesday 19th August 2008 06:00:01
COMPUTER SCIENTIST
A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell.
As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams.
There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.
"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil.
"Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."
"Ahhhhh!," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."
Added: Wednesday 13th August 2008 00:00:02
MOUSE PAD
Ab woman walked into a computer shop, spotted a display of
mouse pads, then asked the salesperson if they were Mac.
compatable.
Added: Saturday 9th August 2008 12:00:02
Y2K-Y JELLY
When you want to put four digits where only two could fit
before.
Added: Monday 28th July 2008 06:00:01
IF DR. SEUSS WAS A TECHNICAL WRITER
What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Added: Sunday 27th July 2008 00:00:01
NEW MICROSOFT WINDOWS ADVERTISING SLOGANS
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!
15. How do you want to crash today?
Added: Wednesday 23rd July 2008 00:00:01
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
You're always hearing about new computer viruses running
around. Here are some to watch out for. BEWARE!
LEWINSKY VIRUS
--Sucks all the memory out of your computer...then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
--Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
--Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
--Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then
slowly expands to 200MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
--Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
--Disks can no longer be inserted.
DISNEY VIRUS
--Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
--Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
--Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
--Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
--Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then
discards it through Windows.
VIAGRA VIRUS
--Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
CLINTON VIRUS
--Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.
Added: Monday 14th July 2008 18:00:01
COMPUTER QUOTES
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
Added: Thursday 10th July 2008 12:00:01
LESSONS FROM COMP 4
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes:
Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */
There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction.
There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */
Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */
Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software."
*/
Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */
One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.
C is a logical programming language. /* */
Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate". */
Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening". */
One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number."
*/
Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.
On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really* stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays
/* and my favorite... */
Fast A** Xeroxing
The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:
"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used."
"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad."
/* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a free-form database for designers. */
"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling."
/* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */
"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida."
/* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */
"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..."
/* Ouch! */
Added: Wednesday 9th July 2008 06:00:01
A LIST OF REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Added: Saturday 28th June 2008 06:00:02
BILL TAKES A FLIGHT
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.
"There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
Added: Tuesday 24th June 2008 12:00:04
NEW INTEL SLOGAN?
New Intel Slogan:
"Intel Inside - Idiot Outside"
Added: Thursday 19th June 2008 06:00:02
AOL CAR
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Added: Tuesday 17th June 2008 06:00:02
SAVE MY SON!
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
----------------------------------- Letter # 1
---------- The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
------------- Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.
Letter # 3
------------- Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4
------------- Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5
------------- Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6
------------- Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7
------------- Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
-------------
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Added: Thursday 12th June 2008 12:00:04
AOL SUPPORT CALL
AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online
before I join.
AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?
Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get
something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I
don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of
America Online.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go
to a chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to
be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.
AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?
AOL:
Added: Wednesday 11th June 2008 12:00:03
FRENCH COMPUTERS
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Added: Thursday 5th June 2008 12:00:03
WORKER JED
You have to sing this one!!
Worker Jed =-=-=-=-=-=-=
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor
college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he
was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big
bucks if ya work on a computer..." (Windows, that is...
PC's... Workstations...) Well, the first thing ya know
ol' Jed's an engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away
from here". They said "Californie is the place ya
oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to
Silicon Valley... (Intel, that is... Pentium ... Sea
World...) On his first day at work, they stuck him in a
cube. Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said
"your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" (OT, that is...
unpaid... mandatory...) The weeks rolled by and things
were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some
managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on
a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll work him
sixty-six!" (Tired, that is... stressed out... no social
life...) Months turned to years and his hair was
turning grey. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped
away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a
call and escorted out the door. (Laid off, that is...
de-briefed... unemployed...) Now the moral of the story
is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and
discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and
start up your own firm, Beat the competition, and watch the
bosses squirm. (Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve
Jobs...) Y'all come back now... ya hear'
Added: Wednesday 4th June 2008 00:00:02
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES
If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the
plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off
when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane
again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all
very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is
immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to
wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without
a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it
crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all
look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to
know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective
passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around,
apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the
terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the
real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it
will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to
wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac,
placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if
they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and
safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails
to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants,
of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost
$15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you
have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger,
watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on
this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10
engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers
scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass
cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane
is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and
how to put it together. Eventually, they build several
different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers
believe they got there.
Added: Sunday 1st June 2008 12:00:03
TWO DIGITS FOR A DATE SONG
Two Digits for a Date (to the tune of "Gilligan's Island,"
more or less)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that
is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits
for a date. Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So
let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless
we rewrite before that It all will go away. It all will go
away."
But Management had not a clue: "It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense; We won't do it just yet. We
won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to @#%&, For
zero's less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone
can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check It won't be sent to
you When you're no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The
only certain cure.
(key change, big finish)
There's not much time, There's too much code. (And
Cobol-coders, few) When the century is finished with, We may
be finished, too. We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope That things weren't
left too late, And people aren't then lamenting Four digits
for a date. Four digits for a date.
Added: Saturday 31st May 2008 12:00:03
10 SIGNS YOUR AN INTERNET GEEK
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Added: Sunday 25th May 2008 06:00:02
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!
The above document was written by Chet Raymo.
Added: Saturday 24th May 2008 18:00:01
NEW WORDS TO BEVERLY HILLBILLYS
Sing to tune of "The Beverly Hillbilly's"
New words - old song
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college
kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was
talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya
work on a computer..." Windows, that is... PC's...
Internet... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an
engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They
said "California is the place ya oughta be", So he packed up
his disks and moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is...
Pentium ... big amusement park... On his first day at work,
they stuck him in a cube. Fed him lots of donuts and sat him
at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just
what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" OT, that
is... unpaid... no personal days... The weeks rolled by and
things were looking pretty bad. Schedules started slipping
and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and
decided on a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll work him
66!" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning gray. Jed
worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to
retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted
out the door. Laid off, that is... de-briefed...
unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what
you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when
you're old. So gather up your friends and start up your own
firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all
come back now... ya hear'
Added: Monday 19th May 2008 00:00:02
I HAVE A MICROSOFT WAITER
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Added: Monday 5th May 2008 00:00:01
MOUSE BALLS
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Submitted by yisman
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 2nd May 2008 06:00:02
MICROSOFT WORKS
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works
Added: Thursday 1st May 2008 00:00:02
POWERPOINT NUDITY
Has someone heard this one? If so, what exactly have you heard about this high tech surprise.
I understand that a graphic artist in Rochester New York began to ungroup the clipart figures in PowerPoint 4.0. He continued to remove the clothing of these cartoon figures only to discover that the business woman was drawn anatomically (sp?) correct, down to real breasts, hair, etc. The same was true of the clipart figure of a guy leaning over her desk. I'm not enough of a techie to know if this could happen. It sounds implausible, but if it's not true...it should be. I was told that it originated from a disgruntled artist who originated the clipart back in '95. (Maybe an ex-Disney artist who worked on "Lion King" and "Little Mermaid". Has anyone ever seen this to say it's true?
Added: Thursday 24th April 2008 12:00:04
POPE HAS EMAIL
The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.
In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.
Added: Monday 21st April 2008 06:00:02
TOASTER MAKERS?
* If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!
* If HP made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
* If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
* If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
* If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
* If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
* If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
* If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
* If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
* If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!
Added: Friday 18th April 2008 00:00:01
THE 25 BBS COMMANDMENTS
- Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
- Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
- Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
- Honor thy SysOp.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
- Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
- Thou shalt use the English language properly.
- Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
- Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
- Thou shalt help other users.
- Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
- Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
- Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
- Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
- Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
- Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
- If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
- Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
- Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
- Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
- Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
- Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
- Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
- Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
- Thou shalt not hack.
Added: Tuesday 15th April 2008 18:00:01
WHAT IF THE E-MAIL IS RIGHT?
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home
recovering from having actually been served a rat in his
bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was
in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all
over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS
KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that
said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because
it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on
his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened
an e-mail entitled "Good Times, Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer
programmer who was working on software to save us from
Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will
prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get
together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe
under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all
last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was
also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I
would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to
report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return
slot he got jabbed with an HIV- infected needle around which
was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital -the
one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer
is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to
send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed
to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him
two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the
shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty
people you will have good luck, but forward it to only ten
people you will only have ok luck, and if you send it to less
than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along
without his headlights on. To be helpful, he flashed his
lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang
initiation.
And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the
Dark Ages.
Added: Monday 7th April 2008 00:00:03
MICROSOFT OXYMORON
Microsoft Works!
Added: Sunday 6th April 2008 12:00:02
THREE ENVELOPES
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Added: Sunday 30th March 2008 18:00:01
IF COMPANIES RUN CHRISTMAS
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
Added: Tuesday 18th March 2008 00:00:01
MICROSOFT RUNS THE I.R.S.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
-- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
-- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
-- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
-- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
-- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
-- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
-- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Added: Wednesday 12th March 2008 12:00:02
MICROSOFT ADVERTISIN
After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works", I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.
Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh? Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it? Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding. Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years. Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying! Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using! Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years. Windows 98: More usable! Less stable! Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable! Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable! NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!! NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!! NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand? NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest. NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed. Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest! Windows XP: It just works.
Added: Friday 7th March 2008 18:00:03
COMPUTER ACRONYMS LIST
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I'll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It's Better Manually
I've Been Mislead
I've Been Mugged
WINDOWS
Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WIN
Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan
Different Operating Systems Expectations
Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not
Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC: Dump Everything and Close
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
HP: Hot Pursuit
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MAC: Most Absurd Computer
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WARP: What A Rot Program
Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS: Defective Operating System
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait
Added: Thursday 14th February 2008 18:00:02
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
It looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP and Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though,
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack, filled with virus,
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him,
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic,
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With loud, hearty shouting,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva outing!
Added: Wednesday 13th February 2008 18:00:01
MICROSOFT ENGINEER
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
Added: Tuesday 12th February 2008 06:00:02
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (comedians), and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer. How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
Added: Saturday 2nd February 2008 00:00:02
GM VS. MICROSOFT
****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles
to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For
no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have tobuy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die
on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this,
restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car,
unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would
have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that
was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and
twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator
warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car
default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone
to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say
"Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no
reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM
would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete
this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target
for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time
GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd
press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Added: Wednesday 23rd January 2008 18:00:02
GENDER AND COMPUTERS
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons computers must be male:
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
- Picky, picky, picky.
- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
- Beauty is only shell deep.
- When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
- Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
- Always turning simple statements into big productions.
- Smalltalk is important.
- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
- They make you take the garbage out.
Added: Sunday 20th January 2008 12:00:02
EMAIL ADDRESS
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus.
The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into", E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept
resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
Added: Monday 14th January 2008 18:00:03
THE PROGRAMMER AND THE TALKING FROG
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
Added: Sunday 13th January 2008 18:00:01
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S TV DINNER
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Added: Saturday 12th January 2008 18:00:02
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.
Added: Thursday 10th January 2008 00:00:02
GRAPHICS WORK TOO MUCH
You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow
- Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
- When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects.
- You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering.
- You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
- Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
- You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
- You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
- You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON.
- You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems.
- You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
- You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky.
- You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time."
- You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
- You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
- Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric.
- You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
- You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
- When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology.
- You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics").
- You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).
- You get 75% or more of these jokes.
Added: Sunday 6th January 2008 06:00:03
WIFE 1.0
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck.
Tech Support Matt Smith
Added: Wednesday 2nd January 2008 18:00:02
WHEN TECHNOLOGY MEETS BIOLOGY
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Just as
the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he
hears a phone ring. The customer puts his hand up to his ear
and says, "Hello? No honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye."
The bartender says, "What the heck is that?"
The customer replies "It's my hand phone..give me your home
number so you can try it."
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the
customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand
up to the bartender's ear. The bartender's wife answers and
he (who is very amazed) says, "I...honey... just thought I'd
call you and tell you I love you....ok...bye."
The bartender says, "That's amazing! How do you get one?"
"I'll tell you when I get back from the restroom."
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the
bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to
make sure the guy is ok. When he enters he finds the guy with
his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the
wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his
butt.
"What the hell are you doing?" asks the incredulous
bartender.
"Give me a second," the man replies as he grunts and groans,
"I'm getting a fax."
Added: Thursday 27th December 2007 06:00:02
OH THE INTERNET IS SLOW
The Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Added: Monday 24th December 2007 00:00:02
CAR VS COMPUTER
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
Added: Sunday 23rd December 2007 18:00:02
MICROSOFT VERSUS GM
Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
Added: Sunday 23rd December 2007 06:00:02
THREE ENGINEERS AND A FAULTY CAR
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft
engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look
at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping
down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about
cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much
about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If
we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"
Added: Tuesday 18th December 2007 06:00:02
MICROSOFT SUPPORT
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"
in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
Added: Monday 10th December 2007 00:00:02
*GREAT WRITER*
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Added: Monday 19th November 2007 18:00:02
THE POWER OF SHIFTING
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down now
A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
Added: Thursday 15th November 2007 00:00:03
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Added: Monday 12th November 2007 06:00:02
OPERATING SYSTEMS AS BEERS
DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer -- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer -- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer -- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer -- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
Added: Saturday 10th November 2007 06:00:02
COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
Added: Saturday 3rd November 2007 12:00:02
EMAIL FORWARDERS
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!
He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and
DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we
send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,
NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.
The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months!
(No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
Added: Friday 2nd November 2007 06:00:02
24 HOUR HELPLINE
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have
been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
Added: Monday 22nd October 2007 18:00:02
CONFUSION ABOUT Y2K
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
Added: Saturday 20th October 2007 12:00:03
NEW BATHROOM SCALES
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.
"Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..."
"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out."
"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.
No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
Added: Monday 15th October 2007 12:00:02
DESERT ISLAND E-MAIL
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
Added: Tuesday 9th October 2007 00:00:03
QUESTION AND ANSWER
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
Added: Monday 8th October 2007 06:00:03
SLOW INTERNET CONNECTION
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is
A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your
connection
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup
and it displays a week later
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"
...for 1989
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that
popular new game, "PacMan"
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds
like Forrest Gump
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door
opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon
flies out.
Added: Monday 1st October 2007 00:00:02
WEB ADDICTION
Rules for surviving Web addiction =================================
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book...think I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for e-mail.
10. I will try leave the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. I will remember I must go to bed sometime...the Web will always be there tomorrow!
My comments about the above rules, and how they'll never work for me. =====================================================================
1. Drinking coffee ??!! Yeeuuurrkk !!! I hate coffee !! And reading the newspaper.. no way.. what a waste of a tree ! i can get the same information via the web.
2. Who has time for breakfast these days ??? If i have time for breakfast, then i have time to sleep-in just a few minutes longer! -
3. I don't even get up before noon!. - Some days i don't go to bed either!
4. Cleaning the house ?? - That's womans work !.. That's why i get my brother to do it !.. He acts like an old woman sometimes. - Washing my clothes ? - Hell.. i only put these things on four days ago... there's at least another weeks wear i can get out of them before i think about washing them. Planning dinner? For me that is remembering where i put the Dial-a-kebab leaflet...
5. I can't write properly, my joined up writing is illegible, even i have trouble reading it sometimes. As for having friends who don't own a computer.. well.. last time i saw them was the day before i left college... in the late 1980's !
6. As i said in reply (5), i don't know anyone who doesn't have access the the Web, Why would i want to contact someone who is technically challenged anyway??
7. Ok.. i do still read books, but that is only during my lunch break, as they don't let staff use the works computers for surfing the web during the lunch time break, and calling the web via my laptop and my mobile phone costs an arm and a leg.
8. Hell.. i don't have that problem... I have my own special sound-proofed room as my computer room, where i can cut-out all external noise coming from the rest of my house.
9. I more likely to be tempted to go and check what's on the TV, while i wait for my e-mail to download.
10. Leave the house ? - Don't you know all web addicts are really Agoraphobic, which is how they got to be a web addict in the first place !
11. That one is no problem, with all this modern up-to-date internet banking, i can balance my chequebook while i am on the web.
12. Bed.. what is that then ??? - Does crashing out on the sofa count ??
Added: Friday 28th September 2007 18:00:03
PROGRAM MANAGERS
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Added: Sunday 23rd September 2007 18:00:02
Y2K LETTER - JANUARY 4, 2000
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22
which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200
months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Added: Thursday 13th September 2007 00:00:02
CARING FOR FLOPPY DISKS
ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?
SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.
MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.
MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.
SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
Added: Friday 7th September 2007 18:00:02
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Added: Saturday 25th August 2007 12:00:02
HUSBAND 1.0 IS MALFUNCTIONING
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes
to the accounting software, severely limiting access to
wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many
other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5,
CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball
5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the
system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging
14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to
fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited
effectiveness.
Can you help please ?!!!!
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that
Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to
Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do
this.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system, once installed.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you
read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults
(GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly
installed by the parent company as an integral part of the
operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility
for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I
THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the
applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can
create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU
may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to
create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are
very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following
this tech tip!
Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the
blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can
only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0
ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve
performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie
5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities
can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After
several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and
you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any
circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a
supported application, and will cause selective shut down of
the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4
and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to
install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the
best of luck in coming years. "We trust you will learn to
fully enjoy this product!
Added: Friday 24th August 2007 18:00:01
TWO HUMOROUS DITTIES- MICROSOFT & HONESTY
>> > "Microsoft Commercial" >> > >> > You may have noticed
that a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet >> > Explorer
e-mail program uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis >> >
Maledictis" from the Mozart's Requiem. >> > >> > "Where do
you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. >>
> Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis,
flammis acribus >> > addictis," which means, "The damned and
accursed are convicted to >> > flames of hell." >> > >> >
<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<*< >> > >> > Bonus
Joke: >> > >> > "Honesty" >> > >> > Dear Ann Landers, >> >
>> > I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live
in the suburb >> > of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who
lives in Palmerston North, is >> > married to an Australian.
>> > >> > My Father and Mother have recently been arrested
for growing and >> > selling marijuana and are currently
dependent on my two sisters, who >> > are prostitutes in
Auckland. >> > >> > I have two brothers, one who is
currently serving a non-parole life >> > sentence in Mt. Eden
Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a >> > teenage boy
in 1994, the other currently being held in the >> Wellington
>> > remand center on charges of incest with his three
children. >> > >> > I have recently become engaged to marry
a former Thai prostitute who >> > lives in Christchurch and
indeed is still a part time "working >> girl" >> > in a
Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has
recently >> > been infected with an STD. We intend to marry
as soon as possible >> and >> > are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own >> brothel >> > with my
fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as >>
the >> > manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be
interested in joining >> > our team. Although I would prefer
them not to prostitute themselves, >> > at least it would get
them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. >> >> > >> >
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to
bringing >> > her into the family and of course I want to be
totally honest with >> > her. Should I tell her about my
brother-in-law being employed by >> > Microsoft?
Added: Sunday 19th August 2007 00:00:02
ROBIN HOOD
Hollywood is working on a year 2005 version of Robin Hood.
In this one, Robin Hood steals stock options from dot-com billionaires and gives them to people he finds reading "Computers for Dummies" books.
Added: Monday 13th August 2007 12:00:02
PROGRAMMER DEFINED
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know
you had in a way you don't understand.
Added: Tuesday 7th August 2007 06:00:01
AMISH COMPUTER VIRUS
You have recieved an Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish
don't use computers, this is based on your honor system. So
please clean out your computer, and reformat your hard
drive.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Added: Wednesday 1st August 2007 06:00:03
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
The Night Before Christmas
A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Added: Saturday 28th July 2007 18:00:02
SOME POSSIBLE COMPUTER BUMPER STICKERS
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud...James Baud.
4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
9. E Pluribus Modem
10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
27. Hit any user to continue.
28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Added: Saturday 28th July 2007 00:00:01
EMACS ACRONYMS
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
Added: Sunday 15th July 2007 00:00:01
BOYFRIEND 4.0
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to
BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0
(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded
FIANCE 1.0 to
HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and
incompatible to
many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes
plug-ins such
as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS
although
market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary
and
unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by
leading
experts in the field and based upon years of research and
classroom
lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as
the HANDYMAN
FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the
OPTIONAL
COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER
GUZZLING and
CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be
found on FRATBOY
1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so
I don't
have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it
won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're
about to say
ANYTHING even remotely stupid
Added: Sunday 8th July 2007 12:00:02
PASSWORD
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 30th June 2007 18:00:03
BILL GATE'S DIES
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 28th June 2007 12:00:02
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A HACKER
10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9 He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three
years
running.
8 When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie
"The Net."
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption"
among turn-ons.
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear,
"Good Morning, Mr.
President."
And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer
hacker...
(how come the number one is always the dumbest and least
funny of em all?)
1 You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now,
Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Added: Friday 22nd June 2007 00:00:02
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, peopleare begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for ananswer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So there! Windows is not a virus.
Added: Sunday 10th June 2007 12:00:02
FLY IN MY SOUP
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your support waiter, what seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup, try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem, how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer, what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the "Soup of the Day"!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest "Soup of the Day"?
Patron: You have more than one "Soup of the Day" each day?
Waiter: Yes, the "Soup of the Day" is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the "Soup of the Day" now?
Waiter: The current "Soup of the Day" is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ....$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .... $2.50
Access to support ....$1.00
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 7th June 2007 06:00:02
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night!
Added: Wednesday 30th May 2007 00:00:02
MAILING LIST USERS CHANGING LIGHT BULBS
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Added: Saturday 26th May 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE E-MAIL
How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
Envelopes in the disk drive.
Added: Tuesday 22nd May 2007 18:00:02
BILL GATES AND GOD
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and said, "Tell me what is important about yourself."
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand."
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly, and asked, "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded, "I think you are sitting in my chair."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 13th May 2007 18:00:04
KARMA
It was time for Bill Gates to make the transition from his earthly home.
St. Peter agreed to be his guide.
Since Bill had been such an important person on earth, St. Peter decided to allow him to make a choice between Heaven and Hell.
So Bill was first escorted to a tour of Hell, it was not at all what he expected.
It was actually a pleasant spot, with good food, wine, and music, entertainment, beautiful women an all around very fine place.
St. Peter and Bill then toured Heaven; again Bill was surprised it was a stark and dreary place, very simple and pastoral with only very basic amenities.
Bill was not impressed, and so he chose Hell as his preferred destination.
A few weeks later, St Peter paid a visit to Hell to check in on Bill.
Bill was extremely unhappy, tied up to a post with flames all around him, burning, hungry, and scared.
He called out to St. Peter, "Hey, this is not what I expected! What went wrong? How could I have made such a mistake?"
St. Peter listened patiently and then replied, "Bill, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, but what you first saw was only a demo!"
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo and Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 6th May 2007 00:00:02
ADAPTATION OF THE RAVEN
Adaptation of the Raven
...try reading this one out loud...
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision
bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the
floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat
there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the
drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE
command But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry,
Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the
top ones. Clearly I must now adopt one - Chose: "Abort,
Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the
keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all
would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I
pressed a key - But on the screen what did I see? Again:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but
twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I
had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random
combinations. Still there came the incantation - Chose:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I saw, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine
accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the
office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and
blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night
and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and
died, "Oh no - my database", I cried!
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your
data-Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which
our data goes Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have
it stored.
But as for productivity - well, I fear it has gone straight
to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."
-- Decidedly NOT Edgar Allen Poe
Added: Friday 4th May 2007 12:00:02
COMPUTER HISTORY OF THE WORLD
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
General Protection Fault
Added: Thursday 3rd May 2007 00:00:03
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Added: Monday 23rd April 2007 12:00:05
QUICK GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Added: Saturday 21st April 2007 12:00:02
I NEVER WANTED TO BE
I never really wanted to be a scientist.
I wanted to be...a...A SYSADMIN!
[system engineer choir and shift supervisor enter, music strikes up]
Oh, I'm a sysadmin and I'm OK, I grep all night and I chown all day. [choir] He's a sysadmin and he's OK, He greps all night and he chowns all day.
I ping the nodes, I do PM, I awk and perl and sed. I've got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on my bed! [choir] He pings the nodes, he does PM, he awks and perls and seds. He's got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on his bed!
[repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I change the rates, I fork the processes. I wish that all my lusers would catch some rare disease! [choir, growing slightly uncomfortable] He pings the nodes, he changes rates, He forks the processes. He wishes all his lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir brightens as they repeat chorus]
I ping the nodes, I lock the /home partition and umount. I post .gifs of my boss's daughter from his account! [choir, very uncomfortable and trailing off] He pings the nodes, he locks the /home partition and umounts...??
[shift supervisor, in tears] Oh Bevis! And I thought you were so dedicated.
Added: Thursday 19th April 2007 06:00:02
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE ACRONYMS
ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
C: Crud
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
PASCAL:Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
Added: Friday 13th April 2007 18:00:02
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.
You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date...and now sells for half the price you paid.
Cleaning up the dining area means gettting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You get most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person!
You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 11th April 2007 00:00:02
NEW PRODUCT CUTS STRESS
From "Machine Design" Magazine.
.....Byte Bat
All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.
It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.
Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 18:00:02
BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Added: Saturday 24th March 2007 12:00:01
P-MAIL
My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World."
One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. "Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages."
I looked at my wife and said, "So I guess we could call it p-mail."
Added: Monday 19th March 2007 06:00:03
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Added: Sunday 18th March 2007 12:00:01
50 THINGS TO DO
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 31/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?"
, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?"
Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.
"Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Added: Saturday 17th March 2007 12:00:06
THE COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Added: Sunday 25th February 2007 12:00:02
PRINTER PROFILE
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 18th February 2007 18:00:02
BILL'S HONEYMOON
I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night was less than blissful for his new bride. She found out why his company is named Microsoft.
Added: Friday 16th February 2007 00:00:02
AOL CHANGES
Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:
* Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.
* The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, "You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!"
Added: Thursday 15th February 2007 00:00:02
DOWNTURN IN THE STOC
Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket...
=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters. => You've just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day. => U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par. => Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones. => Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don't bother taking it out of their pockets. => Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.
Added: Saturday 10th February 2007 12:00:01
DEAR GOD...
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbours cat,
My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!!
But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!
Added: Thursday 8th February 2007 00:00:01
YOU SAID UNLIMITED TIME!
You have been online...
You have been online for 45 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya say?
You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right? when was the last time you went outside?
OK. This is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? yep finally
You have been online for 360 minutes now!! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names ?
You have been online for 513 minutes. Your husband has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?
You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord....
You have been online 852 minutes, do you KNOW how many HOURS that is?"
You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines? Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword: CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
You have been online for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it literally. Now get the H*ll off before we go broke!
Added: Tuesday 6th February 2007 12:00:07
PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE DEVIL
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
Added: Sunday 4th February 2007 18:00:02
MY NEW PDA
My husband, his best friend, and I were out to lunch the other day when his friend pulled out his new Visor (a Palm-based PDA) with the Cingular-based cellphone attachment. We were discussing the limitations of the phone, namely that it can send instant messages to Cingular and Verizon cellphones, but not Internet-based email. He was attempting to demonstrate using my Verizon phone as the recipient.
"Ok, so what's your cell number?"
he asked eagerly. After he tapped in the number and started composing a message, I realized something.
"You know, we're sitting less than four feet away from each other. . . ."
I remarked.
"Yeah," my husband piped in.
"You could just talk to each other."
"No, no, no," I replied, opening my purse and taking out my Palm pilot.
"I meant you could just beam it to me!"
Added: Wednesday 31st January 2007 12:00:02
SOFTWARE ENGINEERS D
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Added: Wednesday 31st January 2007 07:05:50
NERD SEASON
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Added: Monday 29th January 2007 01:05:46
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"
A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Added: Tuesday 16th January 2007 12:00:04
PENTIUM 586
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
Added: Tuesday 16th January 2007 00:00:02
GIVE A MAN A FISH...
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
Teach him to use the Internet, and he won't bother you for weeks!
Added: Monday 25th December 2006 12:00:02
MAROONED
An ambitious investment banker finally decided to take a
vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for
awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down
and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the
shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months
he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life,
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement
out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to
him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How
did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of
raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm
branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had
no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south
side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the
beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a
small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out
of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the
house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any
more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had
exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the
bathroom.
There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines
(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You
know... "
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was
hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice
mail from here?"
Added: Wednesday 20th December 2006 12:00:02
A BETTER GARBAGE COL
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons."
Moon patiently told the student the following story:
"One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector...
Added: Wednesday 20th December 2006 06:00:02
BBS COMMANDMENTS
The 25 bbs commandments:
1 Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2 Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
3 Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
4 Honor thy SysOp.
5 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
6 Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
7 Thou shalt use the English language properly.
8 Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
9 Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
10 Thou shalt help other users.
11 Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
12 Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
13 Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
14 Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
15 Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
16 Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
17 If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
18 Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
19 Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
20 Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
21 Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
22 Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
23 Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
24 Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
25 Thou shalt not hack.
Added: Sunday 10th December 2006 06:00:03
INTERNET WIDOWER
So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
Once had a wife -- she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits , for hours on end...
Don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine...
She really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer -- that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities -- I'm in cyber Hell!
My stomach's growling -- it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe she's there? She could be with ME!
Added: Sunday 3rd December 2006 00:00:04
THE MORE YOU KNOW -
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
Added: Tuesday 28th November 2006 06:00:02
DIARY OF A COMPUTER LAMER
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Added: Sunday 26th November 2006 00:00:04
TECH LINE
The prime minister of India was at the White House.
One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'
'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'
Added: Saturday 25th November 2006 00:00:04
BILL GATES IN HELL
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Added: Thursday 23rd November 2006 00:00:04
SEX IS LIKE SOFTWARE
Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 20th November 2006 12:00:02
YOU THOUGHT Y2K WOULD BE BAD...
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to
his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink
and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You
must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke
down and all
of us had to do our own thinking."
Added: Wednesday 15th November 2006 06:00:02
REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
Real software engineers eat quiche.
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
Added: Wednesday 8th November 2006 18:00:02
MICROSOFT BUYS CHURCH
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Added: Wednesday 8th November 2006 06:00:02
HOME ON THE WEB
Home on the Web
-----------------
(to the tune of "Home on the Range")
VERSE:
Oh give me a site
where the links all work right --
one that doesn't take too long to load --
where the text can be seen
on my 13-inch screen --
one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Though your video files
give your pages some style
I can't read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
crash my system, I've found,
so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Please don't ask me to "chat"
with your favorite cat;
I don't have an IRC code.
And don't ask me to buy
games for Win 95 --
My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
Added: Monday 6th November 2006 12:00:02
FIFTY WAYS TO BE ANNOYING IN COMPUTER LABS
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Added: Sunday 29th October 2006 12:00:02
ALICE IS IN UNIX LAND
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.
"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," is said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog. "Alice in UNIX land" was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
Added: Thursday 26th October 2006 00:00:06
EMAIL MISTAKES
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
Added: Sunday 22nd October 2006 06:00:02
SEX MANUAL
Here's A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts:
1. Be user friendly.
2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe)
3. Fondle joystick.
4. Spread sheet.
5. Fix surge protector.
6. Activate hardware.
7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!)
8. Do it 'til it megabytes.
9. Back it up.
10. Eject floppy.
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 18th October 2006 06:00:02
PASSWORD PROBLEM
A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to
log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and
then she gave me her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling him "access
denied," he asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
Added: Saturday 14th October 2006 00:00:03
A LETTER TO THE EDITORS
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
Added: Tuesday 10th October 2006 12:00:02
TRY THIS
Title: 'try this :-)'
$ nslookup - hastur.rlyeh.net
and then:
> set querytype=txt > set domain=adventure
and then:
> 1
(and press enter :-P)
Added: Friday 6th October 2006 18:00:02
GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Added: Sunday 1st October 2006 18:00:02
REMEMBER WHEN . . .
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show
of note a window was something you hated to clean... And
ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the
nights now they all mean different things and that really
mega bytes
An application was for employment a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank
account and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody
found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage not something
you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long
trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a
backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a
web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but
when it happens they wish they were dead
Added: Friday 29th September 2006 12:00:02
JURASSIC PARK
What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.
Added: Saturday 23rd September 2006 18:00:02
31 SIGNS THAT TECHNOLOGY HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beattys address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you cant because there isnt one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as friends, but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase digital compression in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase digital compression. Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you dont have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying phone number and replace it with voice number, since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perots phrase electronic town hall makes more sense than the term information superhighway, but you dont because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think its okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an intriguing fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say I dont know when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And dont use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. Youd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
Added: Wednesday 13th September 2006 00:00:05
REASONS WHY WINDOWS IS NOT A VIRUS
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
4. Viruses don't have major bugs.
5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
7. Viruses aren't on every computer.
8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...
9. Viruses install themselves !
Added: Friday 1st September 2006 18:00:02
AOL ADDICTION POEM
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
Added: Friday 1st September 2006 12:00:02
ETHICAL SOFTWARE GROUP
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Nov. 11 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
Added: Friday 25th August 2006 00:00:02
INTEL INSIDE
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Added: Tuesday 22nd August 2006 06:00:02
ADDICTED TO INTERNET PORN
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
Added: Saturday 19th August 2006 12:00:02
MERITS OF A MISTRESS
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 13th August 2006 18:00:02
CHANGING LITE BULBS
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly Five Hundred:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Added: Wednesday 2nd August 2006 18:00:05
COMPUTER HELP STORIES
This article is from the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994: Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Llines, and No Qquestion Seems To Be Too Basic
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language.
"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.
The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read a book."
Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people.
And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette and rolled it into the typewriter."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.
"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
Added: Thursday 27th July 2006 12:00:06
ID TEN T ERROR
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the
computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple buttons and
solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression ran over my face.
"An ID Ten T Error?
What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T
Error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
(Scroll Down when you are ready ... )
I wrote: I D 1 0 T
Added: Saturday 15th July 2006 17:49:52
ABBOTT CALLING COSTELLO
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
Added: Thursday 13th July 2006 05:50:29
BAD DAY AT TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Added: Sunday 9th July 2006 23:51:02
MOUSE BALLS
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Added: Sunday 9th July 2006 17:51:05
THE REPORTER
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment one day. He submitted the following
report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a
family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed
the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital
with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
Added: Friday 7th July 2006 05:51:44
TIME
Spending too much time on the computer?
Here are some commom indicators:
1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Finally:
19. You've read this before.
Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 6th July 2006 05:51:55
NEW VIRUS'S
DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Turner Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Capewell Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Boss Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
National Front Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Edgars Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Tec Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Townsend Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for £2,500.
Walsall Police Station Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
Edmonds Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will wreck your car.
And finally...
Chamber Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 4th July 2006 05:52:24
MICROSOFT SENTENCE
Microsoft has announced a new product called Microsoft
Sentence. Install it on your computer, and will come to a
full-stop. Period.
Added: Sunday 2nd July 2006 17:52:42
USER SONG AND MUSIC
User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")
In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor
Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat
Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake
So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran
With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string
RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)
...
Yo, bring it on down
...
I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)
-- Kevin Hughes * kevinh@eit.com
Added: Thursday 29th June 2006 11:53:27
TOP 26 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN ENGINEER SAY
1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with
absolutely no documentation? Love to!
2. More documentation? Love to!
3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working
on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing
computer games?
4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I'm leaving early to
spend some quality time with my friends and family.
5. Please - not pizza again.
6. Who wrote this? I've never seen such clean code! It
should take me no time at all to debug it.
7. I'm really more of a morning person myself.
8. I'd really like to work in a big corporate environment
where I can wear all of my favorite ties.
9. Microsoft - all the tools and support you'll ever need.
10. I really don't know the answer to that question.
11. From a network guy - No I'm sure it's not an application
issue - I probably just haven't segmented the LAN correctly -
I'll get right on that.
12. From a developer - I have complete confidence in the
network so why don't I just take a look at my code.
13. It's too simple, need more tables.
14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery
here.
15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the
network with my 32MB of RAM machine.
16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.
17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with
the extra features you wanted.
18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!!
19. Data integrity?!?!? we don't need no stinkin' data
integrity.
20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field.
21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.
22. There's no real difference between Text Strings and
Numbers, it's all zeros and ones after all...
23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo!
24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work... I hate
flip-flops.
25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure.
I like pressure.
26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!
Added: Sunday 25th June 2006 11:54:25
A MAN WALKS INTO A SILICON VALLEY
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.
"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
Added: Thursday 22nd June 2006 12:56:47
THE GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them
scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Added: Thursday 8th June 2006 06:14:25
WHY DATE ENGINEERS
10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system
9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do
8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships
7. Your parents will approve
6. You can get help with your math homework
5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode
4. It looks good on a resume
3. We do free body diagrams
2. We have a high starting salary
1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!
Added: Sunday 4th June 2006 00:14:21
BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Added: Thursday 1st June 2006 00:14:21
OVER WORKED
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine , too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I have found the real reason: overworked, here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice,..... real nice..... !!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 29th May 2006 12:14:18
WOULD YOU DEFINE OCR?
OCR - Optical Character Recognition
A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.
Added: Saturday 27th May 2006 12:14:17
COMPUTER FLATLINED..
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
Added: Thursday 25th May 2006 18:14:16
EMAIL OF THE SPECIES
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Added: Monday 22nd May 2006 05:52:20
IF A COMPUTER BEEPS
*File Description: If a Computer Beeps and There is No One Around...*
An *actual* bug report (from a friend at Microsoft).
Bug # Status Title 5143 ACTIVE "Build done" signal makes no sound
============ ACTIVE - 01/30/95 - MIKEBLAS ====================
Visual C++ makes an audible signal when a build completes. When no developer is in the room, this signal doesn't make a sound. To reproduce:
1) Start a build. 2) Leave the room. 3) Note that the chime does not make a sound.
We should find a way to make the build bell make a sound even if nobody is there to hear it.
This philosophical issue may need program management's attention before being resolved.
============ ASSIGNED to MATTHEWT - 01/30/95 - SCOTF =========
Can we use the telepathy support in Win95 to contact whomever is logged into the machine doing the build? Maybe we should just detect when the developer is leaving the room and prompt for a phone number where s/he can be reached.
How about disabling leaving the room during a build?
============ RESOLVED - BY DESIGN - 01/31/95 - MATTHEWT ====== ============ ACTIVE - 02/01/95 - MARKLAM =====================
Actually, we can't do this either. The problem is that while you're out of the room your build is neither finished nor unfinished. It stays in a state of flux until you return and collapse the quantum uncertainty by observing it.
Perhaps we could link the build finished event to a cat in a box?
============ ASSIGNED to HEISENBERG - 02/01/95 - MARKLAM ===== ============ RESOLVED - NOT REPRO - 02/03/95 - HEISENBERG ====
I cannot repro this. I tried standing just outside my door and it made the beep. Do I have to go further from my office? Would the mailroom do?
============ ACTIVE - 02/03/95 - MIKEBLAS ====================
The relative position of the mailroom and your office are relatively uncertain to me, Doctor.
Please try again:
1) start a build 2) leave your office 3) go down the hall 4) wait until you don't hear the beep 5) return to note that the build is done
I think this is how I first repro'ed the problem, but I can't remember what I was doing to make it happen.
The idea of disabling leaving the room might be the best possible solution, I think. When a build starts, the IDE should pop up a message that says "There are no more Fritos" or "The kitchen has closed early" or "The bathroom is being cleaned" so the developer will not be tempted to get up and wander around.
With minimal rebuild in place, we should consider diversions that won't take as long to remedy: "You're expecting a phone call" or "Someone will stop by to see you soon".
We need to think of messages that are easy to localize for VC++3.0J.
============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS - 02/13/95 - MARKLAM =======
To do this we'll need to avoid messages about the bathrooms and vending machines for external releases. Perhaps some customer research is needed to find out exactly *why* Visual C++ users leave their keyboards.
Some suggestions (including MB_ types) Get a drink : (i) You're out of coffee (i) You're out of tea (i)(i) YYoouuvv''ee hhaadd eennoouugghh
Get something to eat : (?) You have no food, remember /! You need to lose weight, fatso. Sit your ass down
Exercise etc : (?) Did You Know - sunlight causes skin cancer (i) With a Nordik Trak you can get a workout in front of your monitor. Call for home delivery. /! I didn't mean that about your weight
See family : (i) They already know you love them /! They'll only want money for something /! Your in-laws have arrived
Call of nature : This could be difficult. Consider supplying bed-pan or similar.
============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS - 02/13/95 - MARKLAM ======= ============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS - 02/16/95 - HEISENBERG ====
I attempted to repro this once more:
I placed my machine in the forest at the edge of the campus. I started a 'rebuild all' and ran out of the forest towards my mailroom. My build normally takes 3 minutes. After 5 minutes I had not heard anything, so I returned to my machine. Unfortunately a tree had fallen on it. I had not heard that, either.
Added: Tuesday 9th May 2006 05:52:11
SWITCHED COCKS
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
Added: Monday 8th May 2006 17:52:10
DISNEY PASSWORD
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Added: Monday 8th May 2006 11:52:11
CLEAN YOUR MOUSE
How to clean your mouse...
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls, should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Added: Thursday 4th May 2006 17:52:07
POSSIBLE IBM ACRONYMS
IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
Added: Sunday 30th April 2006 17:52:05
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