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BLONDE JOKES (updated Sunday 26th May 2013 00:00:02 EDT)
WHAT TO DO IN A CRISIS
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde
waitress walks
in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the
middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg
was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my
training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
fainting!"
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 12:00:01
GRENADE
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Added: Thursday 25th August 2011 12:00:01
SHEEP
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Added: Thursday 25th August 2011 00:00:01
A ROUND OF DRINKS
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 19th August 2011 06:00:02
BLONDES LOVE PUZZLES
There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night.
In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!"
One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame.
The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?"
She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!"
Added: Tuesday 16th August 2011 18:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE T
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Added: Monday 15th August 2011 12:00:01
ONE ARMED BLONDE
Question: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Answer: Wave!
Added: Monday 15th August 2011 00:00:01
THE AIR FRESHENER
There was this sherriff who was out and about on [atrol. He's sitting on the side of the road when he sees a car swerving all over the road and going like a maniac. He gets up and pulls the car over. The driver winds down the road and says to the sherriff, "Yes?"
The sherriff notices the driver is a gorgeous blonde woman. He's tempted to let her go but he decides not to. He replies to her question, "What were you doing sriving like a maniac and swerving all over the road?"
The blonde quickly replies, "Well Officer, I was driving along when a tree jumped out in front of me, so I swerved to miss it. Then another jumped out in front of me and I swerved to miss it. Then another-" The officer cuts her off and says, "Mam, there's not a tree along this road for three miles. You've been dodging your air freshener swinging to and fro."
Added: Sunday 14th August 2011 18:00:01
BANANA FACTORY
Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the banana factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the bent ones!!
Added: Friday 12th August 2011 00:00:01
NEW WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.
Guess I won that argument.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 11th August 2011 00:00:01
BLONDE WINS PRIZE
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WONa motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Added: Wednesday 10th August 2011 18:00:01
DYING FAMILY
A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Added: Wednesday 10th August 2011 06:00:03
A BLONDE AND A WAITR
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''
Added: Tuesday 9th August 2011 18:00:01
MISSING PENCIL
How do you know a blonde secretary’s having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Added: Friday 5th August 2011 18:00:01
DEATH IN THE FAMILY
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
Added: Friday 5th August 2011 06:00:01
OUT OF PAPER!
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Added: Thursday 4th August 2011 06:00:03
WANT ME TO PAINT FOR YOU?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Added: Tuesday 2nd August 2011 18:00:01
LITTLE BLONDLEY BABY
A little Blonde girl runs up to her mom and shouts out "Mommy, Mommy I got five dollars today!" Her mom does a puzzled look and then says "How did you get that?"
The little girl smiles and says "Little Johny told me to do a cartweel while he was up in a tree" Her mom lowers her eyebrows and says in a firm voice "You know that Little Johny is only trying to see you underwear" "Ohhhhhhh!" Says the little girl and runs upstairs. The next morning she runs up to her mom and yells "Mommy, Mommy! I got ten dollars from Little Johny" "Hunny what did I tell you about..."
The little girl interuppts her and says "Listen mommy I didn't get him to look at my underwear today! He went up into a tree I did a cartwheel. Then he came down smiled and said Good job" "Why did he say that?"
said the little girls mom "I have no clue Mommy! I wasn't wearing any underwear today!"
Added: Monday 1st August 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE CAR ACCIDENT
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Added: Sunday 31st July 2011 12:00:01
IN BETWEEN
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 30th July 2011 18:00:01
WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when they're fucked!
Added: Friday 29th July 2011 12:00:01
TAKEOUT ORDER
A blonde walks into a building and says rather loudly "CAN I HAVE A PORTION OF CHIPS AND A COUPLE OF SAUSAGES PLEASE?"
The woman behind the counter looks puzzled and then says "I'm sorry madam, this is a library!"
The blonde seems rather embarrassed and replies in a whisper "sorry, may I have portion of chips and a couple of sausages please!"
Added: Friday 29th July 2011 06:00:04
WOMEN DRIVERS
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the blonde lady driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be in. Finally, her mind made up, the woman veered into the truck driver's lane and jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a slight collision.
Unhurt but obviously harried, the blonde driver rushed over to the truck driver and started to bawl him out, barking, "You knew I was going to do something idiotic. Why didn't you stop to wait and see what it was?"
Added: Sunday 24th July 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE ONE LINERS
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a 'scratch and sniff' sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't blondes like making Raro juice from sachets?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the packet.
Did you bear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
They went to see 'Closed for Winter'.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
'Look! They spelled Macy's wrong.'
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left' so they turned around and went home.
Added: Thursday 21st July 2011 06:00:01
DUMB BLOND
There was two dumb blonds that was walking down the street and they find a mirror and one of them picks it up and looks in it and says that face looks familiar. then the other blond takes it from her and says duh its me.
Added: Wednesday 20th July 2011 12:00:01
SKYDIVING
A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving.
The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Added: Tuesday 19th July 2011 18:00:01
WHAT DID THE BLONDE'S LEFT LEG SAY TO HER RIGHT LEG?
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A: Nothing. They have not met yet.
Added: Monday 18th July 2011 18:00:02
LUMBER
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The blonde paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Added: Saturday 16th July 2011 18:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A S
What do you call asmart blonde?
A Golden Retriever
Added: Friday 15th July 2011 18:00:01
LICENSE
A blonde was driving over the speed limit, and got pulled over by a police officer who asked her for her drivers license.�
The blonde then said, "Whats with you people? Yesterday you took away my drivers license and now your asking for it?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 13th July 2011 18:00:01
I'VE GOT YOUR COOKIES RIGHT HERE
(Q) Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?
(A) Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&M's.
Added: Tuesday 12th July 2011 18:00:01
NURSERY RHYME
Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Added: Tuesday 12th July 2011 00:00:01
ELEVATOR
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Added: Saturday 9th July 2011 00:00:01
THE BLONDE SWIMMER
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde were on holiday.
There was an island five kilometres out from the mainland.
Between them they decide to have a competition to see who
could swim
out to the island. The brunette tries first. She swims out
one kilometre them she gets tired so she swims back. Then the
redhead tries. She swims out two kilometres then she gets
tired so she goes back. Then the blonde tries. She manages to
swim out three kilometres then she gets tired so she swims
back.
Added: Friday 8th July 2011 06:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Added: Tuesday 5th July 2011 12:00:01
HORN
How did the blonde get lipstick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 4th July 2011 18:00:01
SMARTEST BLONDE
Who is the smartest blonde?
A golden retreiver!
Added: Sunday 3rd July 2011 06:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE F
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Added: Tuesday 28th June 2011 18:00:01
TRAIN RIDE
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaky and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "There was no one there."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 28th June 2011 06:00:02
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 25th June 2011 18:00:01
DAFFY GOES FISHING
Daffy (a blonde duck) was a bit behind schedule. Winter had
arrived already and she was just heading south. As she was
flying above a small lake, she spotted a net and figured it
was just as good a time as any to stop for a snack. Perhaps
she could steal a fish before someone caught her. When she
landed by the net, there was quite the commotion and she was
hit . . . by the puck.
Added: Friday 24th June 2011 18:00:01
BLONDES GETTING EVEN
Do you know why there is so many "dumb blonde" jokes?
Because brunettes and redheads have nothing else to do on Friday and Saturday nights..........
Added: Wednesday 22nd June 2011 00:00:01
EYE EXAMINATION
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Added: Monday 20th June 2011 06:00:01
WHY IS IT GOOD TO HA
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You get to park in the handicap zone.
Added: Sunday 19th June 2011 00:00:01
MAGIC MIRROR
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!
Added: Saturday 18th June 2011 18:00:02
ENGLISH CHANNEL
A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked; "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Added: Saturday 18th June 2011 00:00:01
TROPICAL FRUIT
A young blonde was visiting a small village in Africa. She
was accompanied by a handsome male guide. They were on a
tight schedule and the guide told her that they would have to
leave in 15 minutes...there could be no delays.
So, off they walked through the little village. They came
upon a big tree. A small child nearby, said " Banana".
After a few minutes, they came upon a second tree, quite
different than the first. And a child nearby said, "Orange."
Not long after, the blonde noticed a third tree, very
different than the first two. The Chief of the Tribe, who
was nearby, smiled and said, "Mango."
Just then, the blonde heard the jeep's engine as her tour
guide drove away.
Added: Tuesday 14th June 2011 12:00:01
SMART BLONDES AND UFOS
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You hear about them, but you never see them.
Added: Monday 13th June 2011 12:00:01
POTATOE SACK
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in.
The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.
Added: Monday 13th June 2011 06:00:01
WHAT DO YOU DO IF A
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Added: Saturday 11th June 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE COYOTE
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.
Added: Thursday 9th June 2011 18:00:01
LOTTO
A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
Added: Thursday 9th June 2011 12:00:01
WILD HORSE
There was this blonde who always wanted a chance to ride a horse. Finally she got a chance. she went out to the corral and, looking over the choices, picked out the biggest most beautiful one of all.
as soon as she got in the saddle, BAM the horse took off like all of hades was after it. The blonde wasn't set yet, and started screaming as she slid down the side of the horse. HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she screamed, as her hold kept slipping closer and closer to the pounding hooves "I know" she said, "I'll jump clear", but when she jumped, her foot got caught in the saddle straps and was draged by the runaway horse, her head boucing on the ground. Just as she was about to pass out,................
..........the Wal-mart clerk unpluged the mechanical horse.
Added: Thursday 9th June 2011 00:00:01
PIERCED BELLY BUTTON
Why do blonde women get their belly buttons pierced?
So they have a place to hang their air freshener.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 7th June 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE BRAIN CELLS
Q: How do blonde's brain cells feel?
A: Very lonely...
Added: Tuesday 7th June 2011 00:00:01
HOSPITAL VISIT
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn".
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward', anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 5th June 2011 18:00:02
HOW CAN YOU TELL A B
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Added: Sunday 5th June 2011 06:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE AT A UNIVERSITY?
Q: What do you call a blonde at university?
A: A visitor.
Added: Saturday 4th June 2011 00:00:01
BLONDES CHANGE A LIGHTBULB
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Added: Thursday 2nd June 2011 00:00:01
BLONDE ON HORSEBACK
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Added: Tuesday 31st May 2011 00:00:02
YOUR KID HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Added: Monday 30th May 2011 12:00:01
THREE MEN
there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!
Added: Saturday 28th May 2011 06:00:01
JIGSAW PUZZLE
Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."
Added: Friday 27th May 2011 18:00:01
BLONDE IN A CIRCLE
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.
He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"
She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Added: Friday 27th May 2011 06:00:01
2 BRAIN CELLS
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
Added: Wednesday 25th May 2011 06:00:01
KNITTING BLONDE
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
Added: Tuesday 24th May 2011 12:00:01
THE BLONDE COYOTE
Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A. It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
still stuck.
Added: Friday 20th May 2011 00:00:01
SMART BLONDE
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever
Added: Thursday 19th May 2011 06:00:02
YOUR BREAST IS LOOSE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Added: Tuesday 17th May 2011 18:00:02
SUICIDE BLONDE
A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping off a 31 story building.
There were tons of fire trucks on the ground and policemen on the ledge beside her. The policemen tried to coax her down for 3 hours.
A few minutes later the blonde looked over the edge, then looked over at the closest policemen and asked, ''How do you commit suicide again?''
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 16th May 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE GOES TO THE LIBRARY
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Added: Sunday 15th May 2011 12:00:01
ICE CREAM
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Added: Friday 13th May 2011 12:00:01
CLIFF JUMP
A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?
The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Added: Friday 13th May 2011 06:00:01
SKOOL FOR BLONDES
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."
Added: Thursday 12th May 2011 18:00:01
DEODORANT
A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Added: Tuesday 10th May 2011 12:00:01
BLOND MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Added: Monday 9th May 2011 18:00:01
BLONDE WASHING JEANS
A blonde put her jeans in the washing machine. When she
pulled them out, she found a $10 bill inside. That was when
she got really scared....she was worried the police would
charge her with money laundering.
Added: Monday 9th May 2011 00:00:01
A MIRACLE
A guy gets to have a chance of a life time. He gets to see
his guardian angel. So the guy is really amazed.
"Can you do any really cool miracles?" asks the guy.
"Well, yeah, all kinds of neat stuff," says the angel. So
they walk over to an old guy, that is blind. So the angel
waves his hand and says, "Now you can see." The old man gets
up and starts yelling, "It's a miracle I can see!"
"How's that for a miracle?" asks the angel.
"No, I think that's more like a stroke of good luck,"
replies the man.
"Ok..." says the angel. They walk on further to where a 7
car pile-up just happened. So the angel waves his hand
again, and everything dissapears. All of the people have
been saved.
"There, now that's a miracle." says the angel. Once again
the man is not satisfied. "I bet you I could do better." So
the angel gives the guy some powers and the guy walks over to
a blonde and waves his hand.
"Now, what is 2 + 2?" asks the man.
"F-F-Four!" says the blonde.
"Now that's what I call a miracle."
Added: Sunday 8th May 2011 06:00:02
AT THE BAR
Question:
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
Answer:
She heard the drinks were on the house!
Added: Thursday 5th May 2011 06:00:01
RE-LOADING
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde
female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his
apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the
roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not
wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof,
and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But
the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the
young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which
they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started
acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the
kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then
placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced
immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered
into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a
glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you
guys load those things!"
Added: Wednesday 4th May 2011 06:00:01
HOW TO GET ACROSS THE RIVER
A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.
Added: Wednesday 4th May 2011 00:00:01
NEW MERCEDES
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 1st May 2011 12:00:01
AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE?
There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down
from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They
all decided that one person should get off because if they
didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No
one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said,
"I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the
brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started
clapping.
(Problem solved.)
Added: Saturday 30th April 2011 12:00:01
AM RADIO
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Added: Saturday 30th April 2011 00:00:01
UNLOCKING YOUR CAR
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Added: Friday 29th April 2011 18:00:01
BLONDE BOYFRIEND?
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's boyfriend is also blonde?
A: She has a bruise around her bellybutton.
Added: Friday 29th April 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE COOK
Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!
Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!
Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!
Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 25th April 2011 18:00:01
TWO MEN ON THE BEACH
Two men,one a brunette and the other a blonde,were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach. The brunette guy says, "what works for me is this : go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk."
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks - with no luck. He says to his brunette friend that he DID put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck. The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, "you ass-hole! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!"
Added: Sunday 24th April 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 2
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Added: Sunday 24th April 2011 06:00:02
1/2 BLONDE
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Added: Sunday 24th April 2011 00:00:01
JAPANESE
Why are the Japanese so smart?
They don’t have any blondes.
Added: Saturday 23rd April 2011 06:00:01
BLIND MAN
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man," came the response.
Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.
The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
Added: Saturday 23rd April 2011 00:00:01
A BLONDE GOES ON WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Added: Friday 22nd April 2011 18:00:01
BLOND - CLOSET
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A: Last
years hide and go seek winner
Added: Friday 22nd April 2011 00:00:02
WEIGHING THE BABY
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks a clerk if she can use the store's free baby scale.
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk.
"Our baby scale is out for repairs. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?"
asks the clerk.
"Because," says the blonde, "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
Added: Monday 18th April 2011 12:00:01
WHAT DO BLONDES SAY
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Added: Sunday 17th April 2011 18:00:01
20,000 LEAGUES
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.
Added: Saturday 16th April 2011 18:00:01
BIG MYSTERY
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25 PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer!"
Added: Saturday 16th April 2011 12:00:01
DON'T WALK!!!
Q: Why did the blonde have tire marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sigh said "don't
walk"
Added: Thursday 14th April 2011 06:00:01
THE CLIFF AND THE BLONDES.
A smart blonde and a dumb blonde both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
The dumb blonde because smart blondes don't exist.
Added: Tuesday 12th April 2011 00:00:01
DYING HAIR
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair
brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Added: Monday 11th April 2011 12:00:01
STIFF ONES
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
Added: Monday 11th April 2011 00:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A R
What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A wine and cheese party!
Added: Sunday 10th April 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE MATH
Q. How do you teach a blonde math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Added: Friday 8th April 2011 06:00:09
WHAT DOES A BLONDE HAVE IN COMMON WITH A SCREEN DOOR?
Q: What does a blonde have in common with a screen door?
A: The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Added: Wednesday 6th April 2011 12:00:01
MIND TELLING ME THE TIME?
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
Added: Tuesday 5th April 2011 18:00:01
FIRST CLASS?
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, ''I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York.''
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, ''Thank you so much.'' hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, ''I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.''
Added: Sunday 3rd April 2011 18:00:01
PREGNANCY TEST
The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy.
Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with
her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Added: Saturday 2nd April 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE AND A 747
What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747?
A Blonde's got a bigger cockpit!
Added: Friday 1st April 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE TAKES TAXI
After traveling a few blocks, a blonde realizes she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.
"That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."
"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."
Added: Thursday 31st March 2011 00:00:01
BLONDE CAR CRASH
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff
asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I
saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was
another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I
don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even
resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air
freshener."
Added: Wednesday 30th March 2011 18:00:01
SAFE BLONDE
has does a blonde have safe sex?
She locks the car door.
Added: Monday 28th March 2011 00:00:01
TGIF BLONDES
Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes? Toes Go In First!
Added: Sunday 27th March 2011 12:00:02
BLONDIE PLAYS POKER
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen
french fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
Added: Saturday 26th March 2011 06:00:01
FIRE TRUCK!
THERE WAS A BUNCH OF GUYS AND THEY WERE SMOKING MARY JANE AND THEY WERE IN THEIR FRONT YARD AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY SAW THIS FIRE TRUCK COMING. .. . .SO THEY WERE LIKE OH MY GOSH HURRY HIDE THE STUFF SO THEY HID THE STUFF AND 10 MINS LATER THEY GO. . . ALRIGHT I THINK ITS SAFE NOW!
Added: Wednesday 23rd March 2011 18:00:01
WHAT IS A BRUNETTE B
What is a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.
Added: Wednesday 23rd March 2011 12:00:01
LESBIAN
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."
The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
Added: Wednesday 23rd March 2011 06:00:01
A BLONDE JOB INTERVIEW
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
Added: Monday 21st March 2011 06:00:01
SLEEPING WITH BABY
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.
"Hi," he said, "Who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
Added: Friday 18th March 2011 18:00:01
BLONDE BANK ROBBERS
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Added: Friday 18th March 2011 12:00:01
SANTA AND THE BLONDE
What did Santa say to the three blondes?
Hoe hoe hoe
Added: Friday 18th March 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE GETTING A HAIRCUT
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
Added: Thursday 17th March 2011 12:00:01
A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
Added: Thursday 17th March 2011 06:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
Added: Wednesday 16th March 2011 18:00:01
SQUARE BOOBS
Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Added: Monday 14th March 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE GETS HAIRCUT
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
Added: Saturday 12th March 2011 06:00:01
BIGFOOT AND BLONDE
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Added: Friday 11th March 2011 18:00:01
TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 11th March 2011 06:00:01
LIGHT BLONDE
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Added: Thursday 10th March 2011 18:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH 1, 2 OR 3 BRAIN CELLS?
Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain
cells?
A: A golden retriever.
Added: Thursday 10th March 2011 06:00:01
TGIF SHIRT
Q: Why did the blond have TGIF printed on the front of her
shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front
Added: Wednesday 9th March 2011 06:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.
Added: Monday 7th March 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 16
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops,looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
Added: Sunday 6th March 2011 12:00:02
BIG BEN BLONDE
Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
She found out Big Ben was only a clock.
Added: Sunday 6th March 2011 06:00:02
HORSE BACK RIDING
A blonde goes horse back riding.
It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.
The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.
The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.
She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.
Added: Sunday 6th March 2011 00:00:01
BLONDE ON A 747
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,
"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.
She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,
"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Added: Thursday 3rd March 2011 06:00:01
WHICH ONE?
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers.
Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 3rd March 2011 00:00:01
MEDICAL DICTIONARY
A BLONDE'S DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS
Anti-Body: against everyone
Artery: study of paintings
Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
Barium: what to do when treatment fails
Bowel: letters lik A E I O or U
Caesarean Section: a district in Rome
Cardiology: advanced study of poker playing
Cat Scan: searching for ones lost kitty
Cauterize: made eye contact with her
Colic: sheep dog
Coma: punctuation mark
Congenital: friendly
D & C: where Washington is
Dilate: to live long
Enema: not a friend
Fester: quicker
Genes: blue denim slacks
Genital: non-Jewish
Hangnail: coat hook
Hemorrhoid: a male From outer space
Herpes: what women do in the Ladies Room
Hormones: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
Impotent: distinguished, well known
Inpatient: tired of waiting
Labor Pain: hurt at work
Medical Staff: a doctor's cane
Minor Operation: coal digging
Morbid: a higher bid
Nitrate: cheaper than the Day Rate
Node: was aware of Organic organ repairman
Outpatient: a person who has fainted
Paralyze: Two far-fetched stories
Paramedics: Twin medicos
Pharmacist: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Post-Operative: letter carrier
Protein: In favor of young people
Recovery Room: place to upholster furniture
Rectum: what happened to the Corvette
Rheumatic: amorous
Saline: where you go on your boyfriend's boat
Secretion: hiding something
Tablet: a small table
Terminal Illness: getting sick at the airport
Tibia: country in North Africa
Tumor: an extra pair
Urine: opposite of You're Out
Varicose: nearby
Vein: conceited
Added: Wednesday 2nd March 2011 18:00:01
JUDI AND GAYLE
Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear.
"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.
"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up, then you're always going downhill!"
Added: Sunday 27th February 2011 18:00:01
WHY DO BLONDES GIVE
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Added: Friday 25th February 2011 12:00:01
EMERGENCY KIT
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Added: Thursday 24th February 2011 12:00:01
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Added: Thursday 24th February 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 1
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Added: Wednesday 23rd February 2011 12:00:02
THE BLONDE AND THE R
What is the diference between a blonde and a rooster?
A rooster says cockle-doodle-doo A blonde says any-cockle-doo
Added: Tuesday 22nd February 2011 06:00:01
BUBBLE GUM
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
Added: Thursday 17th February 2011 00:00:02
I WON!
A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When
she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game
piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and
instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She
continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress
decides to get her boss.
"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.
"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.
"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor
homes."
She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."
The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:
"Win a bagel."
Added: Wednesday 16th February 2011 18:00:02
BROKEN FINDER
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Added: Wednesday 16th February 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE AND HEADLAMP
What do a blonde and a halogen headlamp have in common? They
both got screwed on the front of an escort
Added: Sunday 13th February 2011 06:00:01
WASHING HAIR
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Added: Saturday 12th February 2011 12:00:01
SMART BLONDE
A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb so she decided to dye her hair brown. She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains. The now brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were. The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself "that would be impossible" so he allowed her to guess. After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep. The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer. The farmer smiled at her and said "If I can correctly guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back?"
Added: Friday 11th February 2011 00:00:01
NEVER SEND A BLONDE TO GET COFFEE
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby
coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop
worker quickly came over to take
her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde
asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a
few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about
six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two
regular, two black, and two decaf."
Added: Tuesday 8th February 2011 18:00:01
COMPUTER
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.
Added: Sunday 6th February 2011 06:00:01
TENNIS BALLS
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked.
"Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 3rd February 2011 18:00:02
WILD HORSE
There was this blonde who always wanted a chance to ride a horse. Finally she got a chance. she went out to the corral and, looking over the choices, picked out the biggest most beautiful one of all.
as soon as she got in the saddle, BAM the horse took off like all of hades was after it. The blonde wasn't set yet, and started screaming as she slid down the side of the horse. HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she screamed, as her hold kept slipping closer and closer to the pounding hooves "I know" she said, "I'll jump clear", but when she jumped, her foot got caught in the saddle straps and was draged by the runaway horse, her head boucing on the ground. Just as she was about to pass out,................
..........the Wal-mart clerk unpluged the mechanical horse.
Added: Monday 31st January 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE GUY
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 29th January 2011 18:00:01
HAS A BLONDE BEEN IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR?
Q. How do you know a blonde has been in the refrigerator?
A. There is lipstick on the carrot.
Added: Friday 28th January 2011 18:00:01
LONDON BUS
A blonde, a red head and a brunette board a double-decker
bus to go to London. There are two seats left on the bottom
of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available
when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top
and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde
won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she
walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared
half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so
hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's wrong?" the red head asks. "We're havin' a grand old
time down below."
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver."
Added: Thursday 27th January 2011 06:00:02
HOW DOES A BLONDE PA
How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.
Added: Wednesday 26th January 2011 00:00:01
COMPUTER
How do you know if a blond has been using a computer?
There's whiteout on the screen
Added: Monday 24th January 2011 00:00:01
THE STICKER MACHINE
A blonde saw a little girl put quarters in a sticker machine and got a phat sticker in return.So the blonde wanted a sticker too,she got two quarters and tried to put them in but they wouldn't go in. By this time the blonde had tried it 10 times and it still wouldn't work then she gave up untill she saw the little girl get another sticker.She and her boyfriend both went over to the machine and tried again still no sticker so the blonde went to the little girl and said"Do you have two quarters mine are too big."
Added: Friday 21st January 2011 18:00:01
A BLONDE AT SEA!
A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Added: Friday 21st January 2011 12:00:01
3 WISHES
A brunette who really hates blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she says a magic lamp on the ground. She says to herself,"It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,"I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"
"Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?"
asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.
"For my second wish," saya the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?"
inquires the genie. The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."
Added: Friday 21st January 2011 00:00:01
BLONDE WINS RUSSIAN ROULETTE
Q: How did the blonde win the game of Russian Roulette?
A: She shot her opponent.
Added: Wednesday 19th January 2011 12:00:01
DON'T GIVE US A BAD NAME
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Added: Monday 17th January 2011 18:00:01
BLONDE PHARMACISTS
Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They can't figure out how to fit the perscription bottle
in the typewriter.
Added: Monday 17th January 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE SNOWMAN
Q. Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman than
make a normal snowman?
A. You have to hollow out the blonde one's head.
Added: Sunday 16th January 2011 12:00:01
SO STUPID 2
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"... she put 'Sagittarius.'
~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~ if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 14th January 2011 06:00:01
CHANGE OF MIND
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 13th January 2011 18:00:02
BLONDE PHARMACIST
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Added: Thursday 13th January 2011 12:00:01
SNORTING NUTRASWEET
Q: Why did the blonde snort "Nutrasweet"?
A: She thought it was "Diet Coke!"
Added: Saturday 8th January 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE
Why can't the blonde put in a light bulb?
Shey kept breaking them with the hammer.
Added: Saturday 8th January 2011 00:00:01
BARBIE
Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie turned 40 - just in time to greet the 21st century. And they've been 40 full, rich years indeed.
She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.
In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what did Mattel think of next to meet the challenge of Barbie turning 40?
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel brought to the table as they considered producing a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie:
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie:
Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a bed and breakfast. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mom Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie:
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless!
Added: Wednesday 5th January 2011 12:00:02
COKE
Why did the blonde snort sweetner??
She thought it was diet coke.
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 5th January 2011 06:00:01
WHY DO BLONDES LIKE
Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom
Added: Monday 3rd January 2011 06:00:01
BLONDE STARING INTO FRIDGE
Q: Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator? A:
Because The orange juice said concentrate
Added: Sunday 2nd January 2011 06:00:01
MINISKIRT
Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?
Because their balls hang out!
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 1st January 2011 12:00:01
BLONDE AT THE SUPERM
Linda Burnett, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Added: Friday 31st December 2010 00:00:02
BLONDE ON A PLANE
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.
She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.
The stewardess comes over and says "ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".
The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".
The stewardess says "you must move to the coach area".
The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".
The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says "ma'am you must move to coach."
The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".
The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.
The captain comes over and says" ma'am your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area".
The blonde says "I'm blonde beautiful and going to Chicago".
The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.
All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.
The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain "What did you say to her?"
The captain says " I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."
Added: Thursday 30th December 2010 18:00:01
BLONDES NEVER HAVE ICE
Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?
A: They forgot the recipe.
Added: Wednesday 29th December 2010 18:00:01
EARMUFFS
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
Added: Wednesday 29th December 2010 06:00:01
KIDNAPPING
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree.
"I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Added: Tuesday 28th December 2010 18:00:01
TRACKS
3blonds see tracks 1 goes its deer tracks the other one goes its bull frog tracks the last one goes its analope tracks. then get hit by a train.
Added: Monday 27th December 2010 06:00:02
VACUUM
Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
Added: Sunday 26th December 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE SKELETON
Q: What do you call a blonde's skeleton in a closet?
A: Last years hide-and-go-seek champion.
Added: Friday 24th December 2010 00:00:01
MAGIC MIRROR
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies' room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, 'Welcome to the ladies' room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!'
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, 'I think I'm the most beautiful of us three' and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, 'I think I'm the most talented of us three,' and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Jaguar in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, 'I think...' and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Added: Thursday 23rd December 2010 06:00:02
NEW PREFIX
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Added: Monday 20th December 2010 18:00:01
FILING SYSTEM
Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
Added: Sunday 19th December 2010 18:00:01
CROCODILE BOOTS
One day this blonde came into the hunting store. She asked the clerk, "What's the lowest price on the crocodile boots?"
The clerk responded, "Our best price is $200, if you want a pair any cheaper than that there is a lake down the road, maybe you can get a pair yourself down there."
So the blonde says, "Well O.K! I'll go down to the lake."
About 5 hours later the clerk is walking by the lake on his way home. He sees the blonde grabbing crocodiles out of the lake and then throwing them back in.
Amassed at this he walks closer… eventually coming close enough to hear her saying, "Damn it! No boots on this one either!"
Added: Thursday 16th December 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE RESTROOM ATTENDANT
Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
Added: Tuesday 14th December 2010 18:00:01
BLONDES PLAYING GOLF
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and
could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball
anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one
about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had
gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball
belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number
threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and
asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on
their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked,
"OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
Added: Monday 13th December 2010 00:00:01
LOST BLONDES
Two blondes walking through a thick forest became lost.
Trying to find their way out, they came across some tracks.
One blonds stated, "Those are deer tracks!" While the other
blonde said, "No. Those are moose tracks!" Well the two
argued and debated until the TRAIN hit them!
Added: Saturday 11th December 2010 18:00:01
WHAT DID THE BLONDES
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they haven't met!
Added: Thursday 9th December 2010 00:00:02
CHANGE HIS MIND
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in his ear.
Added: Wednesday 8th December 2010 06:00:02
MONEY
There is a smart blonde, tooth fairy,honest politician,the easter bunny,and a hobo. They all spot a $100 bill at the same time. Who gets it ? The hobo the rest are imaginary creatures.
Added: Tuesday 7th December 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE NURSE
Did you hear about the blonde nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 4th December 2010 12:00:02
BLONDE PAINT
Have you heard about the new blonde paint?
Its cheap, thick, and spreads real easy...
Added: Friday 3rd December 2010 06:00:01
GRENADE PIN
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Added: Thursday 2nd December 2010 06:00:01
RING THE BELL
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edsited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 1st December 2010 00:00:01
BREAST STROKE
A local radio station had a contest to see who could cross
the English Channel the fastest. Tell the contest was down to
three people, a brunette, an old lady and a blonde. The
stroke in the last round was the breast stroke says the D.J.
Well, the old lady goes across first. She makes it across in
8 minutes. No problem for her.
The brunette makes it across in an hour. She is a little
tires but fine.
The blonde goes across. Everyone sits waiting . . . and
waiting . . .
"Geez! What is taking her so long?" asks the old lady.
The brunette just patiently waits.
Finally, two exhausting hours later, the blonde makes it
across, panting.
"What took you so long?" asks the old lady.
"No fair! You cheated! You used your arms." she said.
Added: Sunday 28th November 2010 00:00:01
SWIMMING CONTEST
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
Added: Thursday 25th November 2010 00:00:01
KINDERGARTEN
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.
Added: Wednesday 24th November 2010 00:00:01
A BLONDE'S TRAGEDY
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''
Submitted By Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 23rd November 2010 12:00:01
BRAIN FOR SALE
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Added: Monday 22nd November 2010 12:00:01
SNOW TODAY
Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." and then the electricity goes out in the middle of the sentence.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 21st November 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE BUILDERS
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.
She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
Added: Sunday 21st November 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE ON A P.C
What is the differnce between a Blond and a P.C : A P.C
accepts floopy's
Added: Saturday 20th November 2010 06:00:01
INNOCENT BYSTANDER
Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two
blondes? A: An interpreter.
Added: Friday 19th November 2010 18:00:01
CLOSED
Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive-in?
She went to see "Closed for the season."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 18th November 2010 18:00:01
LOSE WEIGHT
How does a blonde lose five pounds?
She takes off her make-up.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 15th November 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE PASSENGER
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You
can park in the handicap zone.
Added: Sunday 14th November 2010 12:00:02
LIBRARY FAST FOOD
A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."
The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed.
"oh, sorry.."
then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."
Added: Saturday 13th November 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE IN THE FRIDGE
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been in the
refrigerator?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
Added: Saturday 13th November 2010 00:00:01
BELLYBUTTON
Why did the blonde's bellbutton hurt?
Because her boyfriend was a blonde too.
Added: Friday 12th November 2010 12:00:01
JELL-O
Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Added: Friday 12th November 2010 00:00:01
AIR BUBBLES
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.
Added: Tuesday 9th November 2010 06:00:01
CONCENTRATE
When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice.
I asked her what she was doing.
She said "Well, it says on the carton 'concentrate'".
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 8th November 2010 18:00:01
PENCIL OR TAMPON??!!
How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
Added: Monday 8th November 2010 12:00:02
REAL BLONDE
There was a blonde driving through the country. She just dyed her hair brown because she was sick of being made fun of her hair color.
She was really hungry so she stopped at a farmer's house and says, "Hi, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The farmer agreed. So she quickly counted them and said, "91."
The farmer looked around puzzeledly and said,"Ok. Take one."
When the blonde was walking back to her car the farmer asked, "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 6th November 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE FINALLY WINS
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.
The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question:
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer.
He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Added: Wednesday 3rd November 2010 06:00:01
THE INTERVIEW
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can
you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts
carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries
another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you
tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up
and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five
foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer
goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head
from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your
counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!',
replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
Added: Saturday 30th October 2010 12:00:02
BLONDE LIGHT
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Put a flashlight in her ear.
Added: Saturday 30th October 2010 00:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blond with a brain? A golden retriever.
Added: Friday 29th October 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE SWIMMER
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.
They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel.
After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the blonde, "You used your hands!"
Added: Wednesday 27th October 2010 18:00:01
TWINS
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
Siamese twins
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 27th October 2010 00:00:02
WHY DO BLONDES WASH
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Added: Tuesday 26th October 2010 12:00:01
A.M. RADIO
Question: What happened to the blonde who bought an a.m. radio?
Answer: It took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night!
Added: Tuesday 26th October 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 6
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Added: Sunday 24th October 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A:
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9
Added: Saturday 23rd October 2010 18:00:01
NATURAL BLONDE PAINT
A new paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde". There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"
Added: Wednesday 20th October 2010 12:00:01
THE WAVE
Why did they stop doing the 'wave' at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.
Added: Tuesday 19th October 2010 00:00:01
BREAST HANGING OUT
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 15th October 2010 06:00:01
COAT HANGER
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
Added: Tuesday 12th October 2010 06:00:01
DO AS DADDY SAYS
Just Like Daddy Said...
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that
visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off
work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up
and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her
daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snow plow to come
by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow
drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a
little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow
it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug
as they continued and she was not having any problem with the
blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat
surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out
and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down
her window.
The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had
been following him for quite a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a
blizzard.
The driver replied, "Well that's just fine honey, and you
can keep it up if you want. I'm done here with the K-Mart
parking lot and and I gotta go cross the way to Sam's next..."
Added: Tuesday 5th October 2010 18:00:01
88,89...
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 5th October 2010 06:00:01
PET ZEBRA
Q: What does a blonde name her pet Zebra? A: Spot.
Added: Monday 4th October 2010 12:00:01
HERE WE GO AGAIN
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.
"Here we go again."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 3rd October 2010 18:00:01
SWIMMING THE ENGLISH
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Added: Saturday 2nd October 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE VS REDHEAD
What's the difference between a blonde whore and a redhead whore?
After the blonde, you put antibiotics on your dick.
After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bite marks on your shoulders and scratches on your back.
Added: Friday 1st October 2010 18:00:01
BLONDES LOVE HUNTERS
Q: Why did the blonde date hunters?
A: Because she heard they go deep into the bush, always
shoot twice, love to mount their prey and always eat what
they shoot.
Added: Friday 1st October 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE SWIMMER
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Added: Friday 1st October 2010 06:00:01
REPEAT
Dr. Whitcomb was examining a pretty blonde, New York high fashion model.
"My, you have a big vagina! My, you have a big vagina!"
"Oh, Doctor," retorted the girl, "You didn't have to repeat it!"
"I didn't!" said the M.D. "I didn't!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 30th September 2010 06:00:01
CLIMBING
Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall? A: To see what
was on the other side.
Added: Monday 27th September 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE SWIMMER
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Added: Sunday 26th September 2010 06:00:01
THE BLONDE DEPUTY
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:
"I don't know!"
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde couldn't be happier.
"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."
"I'm already working on a murder case!"
Added: Wednesday 22nd September 2010 20:08:50
STUPID BLONDE
how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
1001 1 to hold the bulb and a thousand to turn the building
Added: Monday 20th September 2010 18:00:02
SHOES
Q: Why do blonds write T.G.I.F. on their shoes? A: To
remind them that Toes-Go-In-First
Added: Monday 20th September 2010 06:00:01
CLIMB THE POLE
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
Added: Thursday 16th September 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE PARADE
Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than
horses?
A: So they don't poop in the parade.
Added: Wednesday 15th September 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE DESTROYER
What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer.
A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Added: Monday 13th September 2010 12:00:01
2+2
At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that's not right."
The audience called out, "Give her another chance."
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
Added: Saturday 11th September 2010 18:00:01
FAVORITE FAIRY TALE
What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale?
Hump me, Dump Me.
Added: Friday 10th September 2010 18:00:01
T.V OR MICROWAVE
There was once a Blonde lady who went into an appliance store. She walked in and asked the owner if she could buy that T.V. The owner replied" No, I don't sell to Blondes." So she walked out of the store and went home and dyed her brown and went back to the store. She asked again "Can I have that T.V." The owner answered "No, I don't sell to Blondes." She was furios. She went home and dyed her hair black. She, again, asked "Can I have this T.V." The store owner again replied "No, I don't sell to Blondes." The Blonde got angry and said, "How did you know I was a Blonde I dyed my hair brown and black and you still knew it was me. Why can't I have that T.V.?" The store owner replied calmly, "That is not a T.V. It is a microwave."
Added: Thursday 9th September 2010 00:00:01
OBITUARIES
Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
Added: Wednesday 8th September 2010 06:00:01
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Added: Tuesday 7th September 2010 06:00:01
PARACHUTE
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?
A: They open on impact.
Added: Monday 6th September 2010 12:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A Z
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor.
Added: Monday 6th September 2010 06:00:01
SWEAT...SWEAT...SWE-WAIT! NO CAR
There was a Russian, American, and a Blonde. They each had to be stranded on the desert but could pick one thing to be with them on while out there.
-The Russian brought a radio station so he could call for a pickup service and food\water.
-The American chsoe to bring a tent so he could have shelter from the shade.
-THE BLONDE chose to bring a car door, so she could roll the window down when it gets hot out.
Added: Sunday 5th September 2010 00:00:02
FROZEN STATE
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother, it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well, mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE', so I flew to Alaska."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 4th September 2010 18:00:01
HEAD AND SHOULDERS
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Added: Wednesday 1st September 2010 06:00:01
GRABBING AIR
What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
Collecting her thoughts.
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Friday 27th August 2010 06:00:02
BLONDE WITH 2 HORSES
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear.
This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.
And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!
Added: Thursday 26th August 2010 00:00:01
ZIP CODE TATTOO
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tanyilazing
Added: Tuesday 24th August 2010 06:00:01
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
One day a blonde named Susan came outside to check her mail. She opened the mailbox looked inside an started thumping her feet on the ground and screaming! The next door neighboor watched her. In a few hours, Susan came outside to check her mail again, when she looked inside she started screaming again. The neighboor watched her. The next day, Susan once again started a fit when she checked her mailbox. The next-door neighboor came up to Susan and asked.
"Why do you start a fit every time you check your mailbox?"
"Who ever said computers were smart? I was working on my computer, and it said 'You've got mail!'"
Added: Saturday 21st August 2010 00:00:01
SHE'S NOT A BAD
I'm not saying that my wife is a bad driver, but whenever she tells me that she "ran into... (this person or that one)" at the Mall, I always wait apprehensibly for her to finish her story to see if she meant figuratively speaking or literally.
Added: Wednesday 18th August 2010 06:00:02
CIRCULAR ROOM
How do you confuse a blonde ?
Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in a corner.
Added: Tuesday 17th August 2010 00:00:01
UNLOCKING YOUR CAR
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Added: Monday 16th August 2010 06:00:02
MOON OR SUN?
There was two guys that came out of a bar.
One looked up and said, "That's the moon."
The other one said, "No it's not, that's the sun."
They were arguing back and fourth until a blonde came up to them.
They asked her what it was, and she said, "I don't know. I'm not from around here."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 15th August 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE HIJACKER
Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."
Added: Sunday 15th August 2010 06:00:02
BELLY BUTTON
Q. Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button.
A. Because her boyfriend is blonde too!
Added: Thursday 12th August 2010 06:00:01
RAKING LEAVES
How did the blonde break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Added: Wednesday 11th August 2010 18:00:01
FENCE
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Added: Monday 9th August 2010 12:00:01
HOW CAN YOU TELL A B
How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Added: Sunday 8th August 2010 00:00:01
Q: WHAT DO YOU HEAR WHEN A BLONDE IS GOING THROUGH A BLINKING RED LIGHT?
Q: What do you hear when a blonde is going through a
blinking red light?
A: Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!
Added: Thursday 5th August 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: A:It is the one with the kickstand.
Added: Wednesday 4th August 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE FATHER
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"
Added: Monday 2nd August 2010 12:00:01
I DESERVE A FIRST CLASS SEAT
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Added: Monday 2nd August 2010 06:00:01
THE COKE MACHINE
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up.
"Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
Added: Sunday 1st August 2010 06:00:02
AN HOUR FAST
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.
"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me." said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE
One day a bernett a blonde and a green head walked into a barber shop, the blonde was first the barber said what nice hair you have then the baraber walks up to the bernett and says what nice hair you have then the barber walked up to the green head and said what nice hair you have where you get it ( wipes her nose up to her hair) I dont know
Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 12:00:01
SOOO... BLONDE
She was soooo blonde...
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
* she sold the car for gas money.
* she thought a quarterback was a refund.
* she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
* she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
* she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill.
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
* she tried to alphabetize M&M's.
* she tried to drown a fish.
* she wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign here".
Added: Monday 26th July 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE IN A SNOW STORM
A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic.
Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for
a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she
ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to
safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she
followed it.
After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow
stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing.
She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his
shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's
parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"
Added: Sunday 25th July 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE GONE DOWN
One day a blonde named Stephanie wanted to learn how to fly a airplane. So she goes to the airport and says hi, i'd like to learn how to fly a airplane. Well the guy say all the planes are being ysed,but you can used our last Helicopter. She says....well ok. the guy says you will have to check in every 10 minutes.Stephanie agrees.After 10 minutes she checks in "the scenery is great!"10 minutes later"wow this is so fun!"10 minutes after that she doesn't check in....So the guy calls her...."
what happend to you?"
Stephanie replied "well i got really cold and turned off thhe big red fan.
Ü
Added: Sunday 25th July 2010 00:00:01
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDE MALE AND BLONDE FEMALE
Q: What's the difference between a blonde female and a
blonde male?
A: The blonde female has a much higher sperm count.
Added: Saturday 24th July 2010 18:00:01
DEFINITION - INTELLIGENT BLONDE
Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A golden retreiver!
Added: Thursday 22nd July 2010 12:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE S
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Cause it said concentrate.
Added: Tuesday 20th July 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING
A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops a
speeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blonde
woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she
has no identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do
the cop radios for advice.
"Just stick your cock through the window." he is told.
"Are you sure?" he ask.
"Yes, just stick your cock through the window."
So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through
the window.
"Oh no!" says the blonde. "Not another breathalzser test!"
Added: Monday 19th July 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 11
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Added: Monday 19th July 2010 00:00:01
GOING TO JAMAICA
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Added: Sunday 18th July 2010 00:00:01
CALL 911!
"Did you hear what happened?"
Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned.
"What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining.
"Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?"
I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
Added: Saturday 17th July 2010 18:00:01
PEEL AND WIN
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads:
"W I N A B A G E L"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Added: Saturday 17th July 2010 06:00:01
OPEN WIDE
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide"
"I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Submitted by savethemuffin13
Edited by Tds181
Added: Thursday 15th July 2010 12:00:01
BELLY BUTTON
Q. Why was the blondes belly button sore?
A. Because her boyfriend was a blonde too.
Added: Thursday 15th July 2010 00:00:01
FIGHTING OVER 25C
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?"
he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"
Added: Tuesday 13th July 2010 12:00:01
JILL AND THE SPECIAL MONKEY
One day, Jungle Jill (a blonde) was walkin through...the
jungle. She met a Monkey and as she had a spare banana, she
offered it to him.
The Monkey was very pleased as no human ever offered him a
banana before. And, as luck would have it, he was a special
talkin Monkey who said "To reward you for your kindness, I
shall grant you 3 wishes."
Jill was quite surprised and thought for a moment.
She said "My first wish would be to be able to be invisible
whenever I want, for the rest of my life"
The Monkey said "Your wish is granted."
Jill tested it right away and yes, she became invisible.
She then said "I want to stay beautiful for the rest of my
life."
And the Monkey said, "Granted!"
Jill couldn't test that one but she trusted the Monkey and
then said "My third wish is to be able to fly whenever I
want, for the rest of my life".
At this point, the Monkey handed her a Life-Time Pass to
World Airlines International.
Added: Tuesday 13th July 2010 06:00:01
VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Added: Monday 12th July 2010 12:00:01
SKYDIVING
A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Added: Thursday 8th July 2010 18:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.
Added: Wednesday 7th July 2010 06:00:01
BURNING BUILDING
A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building.
Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.
When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.
When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.
When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
Added: Tuesday 6th July 2010 12:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A D
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An airbag.
Added: Sunday 4th July 2010 00:00:01
HELPING AN OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Added: Wednesday 30th June 2010 06:00:02
HOT BLONDE DRIVER
One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car
for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to
roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the
nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead
blonde the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding
ma'me.....could I see your drivers license...? "...Whats a
license...???" replied the blonde. instantly giving away the
fact that she was as a stump. Its usually in your wallet...
replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the
driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration!!!
Asked the cop. Registration....whats that...?asked the
blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment said the cop
impatiently after some more fumbling she found the
registration. Ill be back in a minute.. the cop said and
walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch
to run a check on the womans license and registration. After
a few moments the dispatcher came back. Ummm is this woman
driving a red sports car. Yes....Replied the officer. Is she
a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh...Yes
replied the cop. Heres what you do.....said the
dispatcher.Give her stuff back and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. Its ........inappropriate..exclaimed
the cop. Trust me....Just do it..said the dispatcher. So the
cop goes back to the car gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher
said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... Ohh no......not
ANOTHER breathalyzer....
Added: Tuesday 29th June 2010 12:00:01
BLONDES AND TURTLES
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Get either of them on thier backs and they're screwed.
Added: Tuesday 29th June 2010 00:00:01
WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE
Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Because everyone gets a turn.
Added: Saturday 26th June 2010 12:00:01
SPACE INVADER
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 25th June 2010 06:00:01
HOW TO DROWN A BLONDE
How do you drown a blonde?
You put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a
pool!!
or bathtub
Added: Wednesday 23rd June 2010 06:00:01
DUMB BLONDES
10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to
THE END
Added: Monday 21st June 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE AND GOLDFISH
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''
Added: Saturday 19th June 2010 18:00:01
CHEATING BOYFRIEND
A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"
Added: Saturday 19th June 2010 12:00:02
BUYING A NEW FARM
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Added: Wednesday 16th June 2010 12:00:01
OFF THE TRACK
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said, 'These look like deer tracks,'
and the other one said, 'No they look like moose tracks.'
They argued and argued for a quite while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Added: Monday 14th June 2010 12:00:01
DRIVE-IN MOVIE
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Added: Sunday 13th June 2010 06:00:01
MAXI
One day a blonde and brunette walk to a high mountain cliff.
After a while the burnette says "How about we start heading down it's almost dark?"
The blonde tells her to get a head start because she wants to enjoy the scenery a bit more. After the brunette leaves the blonde gets an idea. She jumps off the cliff. Then she starts to fall.
She screams "I thought my maxis had wings!"
Added: Thursday 10th June 2010 12:00:01
HOW THE BLONDE BROKER HER ARM
Q: How did the blonde break her arm?
A: she fell out of a tree while she was raking leaves.
Added: Tuesday 8th June 2010 18:00:02
ZIP CODE
A blonde says to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 8th June 2010 12:00:02
BARBER CRIME
A Blonde was siting in a barber chair with headphones on.
The barber asked the blonde to take off her headphones, she
replied "No I can't". So the Barber waited for the Blonde to
fall asleep then he took off her headphones. Idmeniently she
died. During the police Investigation one of the officers
listend to the tape the blonde was listning to. This is what
he heard: "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, breath out.....
Added: Monday 7th June 2010 18:00:01
HOW TO CONFUSE A BLONDE
To confuse a blonde, stick her in a round room and tell her
there is a M&M in the corner.
Added: Friday 4th June 2010 12:00:01
BLONDES AND TURTLES
Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: Once they're on their backs they're screwed.
Added: Monday 31st May 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 5
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Added: Monday 31st May 2010 12:00:02
HOW CAN YOU TELL THA
How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
Added: Monday 31st May 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE IN EXAM
BLONDE'S FINAL EXAM at UCLA
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out,
removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done
whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out. During the last few
minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour.
But," she says, "I 'm rechecking
my answers."
Added: Sunday 30th May 2010 06:00:01
COMPLETE CIRCUIT
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!
Added: Sunday 30th May 2010 00:00:01
THE NEW FLIGHT ATTEN
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant."
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."
Added: Saturday 29th May 2010 06:00:01
GET WEIGHED
edJoe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.
'What would you like to do first, Kim?' asked Joe.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went and because she'd been there before the man guessed Kim's correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.
Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
'Where to next?'
Kim responded: 'I want to get weighed,' but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, 'How'd it go?' she asked.
Kim said, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'
Added: Thursday 27th May 2010 18:00:02
ICE CUBES
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blonde's freezer?
A: She forgot the recipe.
Added: Wednesday 26th May 2010 18:00:01
PORCH OR LEXUS?
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."
Added: Thursday 20th May 2010 00:00:01
WHAT DO BLONDES AND
What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Added: Monday 17th May 2010 12:00:01
SUICIDAL BLONDE
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband: "Shup up, or you're next!"
Added: Monday 17th May 2010 06:00:02
BLONDE BUCKAROO
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..
..the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
Added: Saturday 15th May 2010 12:00:01
PUPPET
There was a comedian with a puppet in his lap making fun of blondes and then there was a blonde in the audience and she stands up and says "I am tired of people making fun of us blondes that we're so stupid and every place i'v gone to... blond jokes, blond jokes" then the man says "Oh i'm sorry mam i didn't know you felt that way" then she says "i'm not talking to you i'm talking to the little bastard on your lap"
Added: Wednesday 12th May 2010 00:00:01
SPERM BANK
A blonde guy went to a sperm bank and joined the Christmas Club.
In December, he gets all his orgasms back.
Added: Tuesday 11th May 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE SHAMPOO
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Tuesday 11th May 2010 06:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Added: Sunday 9th May 2010 12:00:01
INVENTIONS
NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Added: Sunday 9th May 2010 00:00:01
ELEVATOR JOBS
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Added: Saturday 8th May 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE PAINT
**Newsflash**
A new type of paint has been invented called Blonde.
It is not very bright but it spreads easily.
Added: Friday 7th May 2010 00:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE D
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
Added: Thursday 6th May 2010 18:00:01
IRONING
A blonde goes to a doctor and tells that both his ears are
burnt. 'Sit down and tell me how it happened,' said the
doctor.
'Well,I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and
instead of picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt
my ear.'
'But that's one ear what about the other?'
'The #$#$ called again!'
Added: Thursday 6th May 2010 06:00:01
THE K-MART BLONDE
There was once a dumb blonde who was going to ride a horse
for the first time unassisted. Suddenly it took off and
started galloping, going faster and faster until the blonde
fell off of the horse.
In a galliant move the brave K-Mart owner unplugged the
horse.
Added: Thursday 6th May 2010 00:00:01
GRABBING AIR
What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
Collecting her thoughts.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 5th May 2010 18:00:01
BANANAS
Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 4th May 2010 06:00:01
HOW DOES A BLOND TUR
How does a blond turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
Added: Tuesday 4th May 2010 00:00:02
TRACKS
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first dumb blonde said, "These look like deer tracks."
The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They continued arguing about whose tracks they were.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 3rd May 2010 12:00:01
FRENCH FRIES
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
Added: Sunday 2nd May 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE COFFINS
Q: Why do blondes have triangular coffins?
A: Every time their head hits the pillow their legs spread.
Added: Saturday 1st May 2010 06:00:02
FIRST EXPERIENCE HORSE RIDING
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Added: Saturday 1st May 2010 00:00:01
WHY DID GOD CREATE B
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.
Added: Sunday 25th April 2010 06:00:01
WHAT TIME IS IT
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Added: Monday 19th April 2010 18:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE THROW BREADCRUMBS INTO THE TOILET?
Q: Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs into the toilet?
A: To feed the "toilet duck".
Note: Toilet Duck is a brand of cleanser.
Added: Monday 19th April 2010 06:00:01
COMPUTER USER?
Q: How can you tell if a blond has been using a computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Added: Saturday 17th April 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE FIRED FROM THE M&M FACTORY
Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was throwing away the W's & E's
Added: Thursday 15th April 2010 18:00:01
TILT STEERING
Why do Blondes like tilt steering?
Because theres more head room.
Added: Tuesday 13th April 2010 12:00:01
BEETLE EXPERIMENT
One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment.
She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command.
Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty.
Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.
"I have made a new discovery!" the blonde cried. "When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!"
Added: Tuesday 13th April 2010 06:00:01
BEER BOTTLE
What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up!
Added: Friday 9th April 2010 06:00:01
TIRE MARKS
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Added: Tuesday 6th April 2010 18:00:01
DONATIONS
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.
She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.
The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
Added: Tuesday 6th April 2010 06:00:01
FRYING PAN
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Added: Tuesday 6th April 2010 00:00:01
WHAT DID THE BLONDE
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Added: Monday 5th April 2010 18:00:01
COFFEE DRINKER
A blonde says to a brunette, "Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt."
The brunette says, "Well, maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 3rd April 2010 00:00:01
SINKING A SUBMARINE FULL OF BLONDES
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Added: Friday 2nd April 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE AND MARRIAGE
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the wedding
aisle?
A: She realized she had given her last blowjob.
Added: Thursday 1st April 2010 00:00:01
BLONDE MATING CALL
Q: What's a blonde's mating call? A: I think I'm drunk.
Added: Wednesday 31st March 2010 12:00:01
GREEN SIDE UP
A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green.
The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up".
The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored.
The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up".
The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house.
In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up".
When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different.
He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.
Added: Tuesday 30th March 2010 12:00:02
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WHO DIES HER HAIR?
Q: What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Added: Saturday 27th March 2010 06:00:01
A BLONDE'S BEDTIME
A group of working men and women were enjoying happy hour at
a local bar. One of them asked what time others went to bed
on work nights.
A blonde piped up from the end of the bar and said "Well, if
I'm not in bed by ten o'clock, I just go home."
Added: Tuesday 23rd March 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE IN BATH
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
Added: Monday 22nd March 2010 06:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Added: Sunday 21st March 2010 18:00:01
WET BLONDES
Why don't blondes water ski?
Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman
Added: Friday 19th March 2010 00:00:01
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 18th March 2010 12:00:01
HOW TO KEEP A BLONDE
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Scroll down...
Scroll up...
Added: Saturday 13th March 2010 00:00:01
MAGIC FOREST
Three girls are walking in a magical forest.
Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them,
"Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, I will make you disappear!"
The first girl, a brunette, says, "I think I am a very kind and thoughtful person."
*Pooph*, she disappears.
The second girl, red-haired, says, "I think I am very sexy."
*Pooph*, she also disappears.
The third girl, a blonde, says, "Well, I think..."
*Pooph*, she is gone.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 12th March 2010 18:00:01
M & M FACTORY
Q: Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M&M
company? A: Because she throw away all the w's
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 12:00:02
LIGHTS AND SIREN
A blonde and a brunette were going to a party.
The brunette was driving and speeding because they were running late.
All of a sudden they hear sirens.
The brunette asked the blonde if the cops were after them.
The blonde replied "yes, no, yes, no, yes..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 00:00:01
THE THREE IRISHMEN
One day three blondes were in a car and they were going to Paultons Park.They were following the signs which all said Paultons forward. But then they saw a sign and it said PAULTONS LEFT so they turned round and went home.
Added: Friday 5th March 2010 18:00:01
THE BLONDE SAFETY NET
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your
only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the
Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the
Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on
the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again,
the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled
the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away
from it . . ."
Added: Wednesday 3rd March 2010 12:00:01
YOU GOT MAIL
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mail box.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the
house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to
the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked
her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Added: Wednesday 3rd March 2010 00:00:02
POSTCARDS
What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Added: Tuesday 2nd March 2010 12:00:01
A BLONDE ASTRONAUT
There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...
The red head said, " I am going to be the first woman to land on mars."
The brunette said, " I can beat that, i'll be the first woman to land on saturn."
The blonde said," I 'll beat both of you, i'll be the first woman to land on the sun."
"How are you going to do that", asked the other two.
"Simple", said the blonde.
"I'll go at night!"
Added: Tuesday 2nd March 2010 06:00:01
HOW BLONDES KILL BIRDS
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Added: Sunday 28th February 2010 00:00:01
HEMOPHILIA
How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.
Added: Friday 26th February 2010 12:00:01
MAGIC MIRROR
There was a magic mirror at a bar and what ever you say it can't be a lie or you die. So a blonde, a red head, and a bernett walked in that bar. The red head walked up to the mirror and said im pretty so she didn't die, then the bernett walked up to the mirror and said im prettier and she didn't die and finally the blonde walked up to the mirror and sad I THINK and she died
Added: Thursday 25th February 2010 00:00:01
DENT REPAIR
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh, you have to roll up the windows first!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 19th February 2010 12:00:01
BLONDES MAKING POPCORN
Q: How many blondes does it take to make popcorn? A:
Four. One to hold the pan, and three to shake the stove
Added: Thursday 18th February 2010 00:00:02
BLONDE EMAIL
How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
Envelopes in the disk drive.
Added: Wednesday 17th February 2010 12:00:01
HISTORY LESSON
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Added: Tuesday 16th February 2010 18:00:01
SMART BLONDE AND BIGFOOT
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and
Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Added: Saturday 13th February 2010 18:00:01
LAUGH TWICE
Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Added: Friday 12th February 2010 06:00:01
BLONDES MORNING
What does a blonde do first when she wakes up?
Go home!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 9th February 2010 12:00:01
FEELING SICK
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
Added: Monday 8th February 2010 18:00:02
CATCH HER EYE
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.
Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
'Oh my God, I am sooo sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. 'You know you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies, 'you just happened to catch my eye.'
Added: Friday 5th February 2010 18:00:01
NOT SWEET?
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young blonde raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 4th February 2010 18:00:02
A BLONDE GUY!
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turns to the girl and in a demanding and angry voice says, "Okay now, tell me. Who's the other father?"
Added: Thursday 4th February 2010 06:00:01
WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Added: Sunday 31st January 2010 06:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE L
Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room!
Added: Thursday 28th January 2010 06:00:01
MEDICINE CABINET
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
Added: Thursday 28th January 2010 00:00:01
SO STUPID 1
This blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~ she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~ she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~ she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 20th January 2010 06:00:01
THE BLONDE PILOT
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting
she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the
planes were currently in use, the owner agreed
to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter
solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it
and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying
how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor
watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as
she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over
and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't
know! Everything was going fine, but as I got
higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember
anything after I turned off the big fan."
Added: Monday 18th January 2010 06:00:01
BLONDE CROSSING THE ROAD
Why did the blonde cross the road?
I don't know.
Neither did he.
Added: Saturday 16th January 2010 18:00:01
NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
Added: Friday 15th January 2010 00:00:01
A BLONDE'S MORNING RITUAL
Q: What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: She introduces herself and walks home.
Added: Thursday 14th January 2010 00:00:01
COOK
Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook? A: She
gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.
Added: Wednesday 13th January 2010 00:00:01
WHITE-OUT
Why did the blonde use white-out on her computer screens?
She couldn't find their eraser.
Added: Tuesday 12th January 2010 18:00:01
WHAT DOES A BLONDE A
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Get'em on their back and their both fucked.
Added: Monday 11th January 2010 06:00:01
CORNY JOKE
One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it.'
Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'
The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'
She asks, 'Oh, how come?'
He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box.'
Added: Saturday 9th January 2010 12:00:01
BLONDES
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
Added: Saturday 9th January 2010 06:00:01
WHAT DID THE BLONDE’
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Added: Friday 8th January 2010 12:00:01
BLONDE GAME
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her
says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the
she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps
bugging her until she agrees.
He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she
can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a
question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he
asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of
Independence?"
She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a
hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives
up and gives her $50.
The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What
was the answer?"
Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a
$5.00 bill.
Added: Wednesday 6th January 2010 06:00:01
HANDLE BARS
What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blow job with handle bars.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine
Added: Tuesday 5th January 2010 12:00:01
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT T
Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? She sold her car for it.
Added: Sunday 3rd January 2010 18:00:01
HOTEL
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?"
the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Added: Friday 1st January 2010 12:00:01
WHAT GEAR WERE YOU IN?
Policeman to Blonde: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
Blonde: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Added: Thursday 31st December 2009 06:00:01
KEYS LOCKED IN
Q: Did you hear about the blonde man that locked his keys in his car?
A: Took him an hour to get his family out w/ a coat hanger.
Added: Sunday 27th December 2009 12:00:02
PEPSI CAPS
Question:
Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
Answer:
Because it said, "Sorry, try again."
Added: Saturday 26th December 2009 06:00:01
PASTEURIZED
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and curtis
Added: Saturday 26th December 2009 00:00:02
BLONDE MILK BATH
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so
knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the
milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of
milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my waist."
Added: Friday 25th December 2009 12:00:01
SMART BLONDE?
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Added: Monday 21st December 2009 00:00:01
HEADS OR TAILS
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for heads, and no for tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 15th December 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE FUN
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding
car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to
see that the blond behind the wheel
was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blond yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Added: Tuesday 15th December 2009 12:00:01
EVEN MORE BLONDE Q AND A
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Added: Monday 14th December 2009 12:00:01
POTATOES!
One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....
'POTATOES POTATOES!'
Added: Monday 14th December 2009 06:00:01
THE BLONDE DEPUTY
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:
"I don't know!"
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.
The blonde couldn't be happier.
"It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"
Added: Monday 14th December 2009 00:00:01
ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!!"
Added: Sunday 13th December 2009 00:00:01
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT T
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Added: Saturday 12th December 2009 06:00:01
VOLKSWAGON
What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin'.
Added: Saturday 12th December 2009 00:00:01
TOILET DUCK
Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 10th December 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE DETECTIVE
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
Added: Wednesday 9th December 2009 18:00:01
BLONDES KIDS
A blonde was with her husband shopping and she decided that they would shop in different parts of the mall.
They meet in the middle 2 hours later and she announces, "I just got kids."
The husband stares amazed, looking at the kids he says, "Those are 2 baby goats!"
Submitted by bomberman255
Edited by Calamjo, Curtis and yisman
Added: Wednesday 9th December 2009 00:00:02
THE WAVE
Q: Did you hear why they closed the Kingdome?
A: While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
Added: Monday 7th December 2009 06:00:01
TRANSPARENCY
What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.
Added: Monday 7th December 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE VISITS SHRINK
A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
Added: Sunday 6th December 2009 12:00:01
BEFORE SEX
What does a blonde do to her asshole before she has sex?
Drops him off at work...
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Thursday 3rd December 2009 18:00:01
WAITRESS
What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
What did you name the other one!!
Added: Thursday 3rd December 2009 00:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Added: Monday 30th November 2009 18:00:01
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes.
Added: Saturday 28th November 2009 18:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Added: Saturday 28th November 2009 06:00:01
OTHER EAR
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Subbmitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 25th November 2009 06:00:01
TORCH
How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ear.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 24th November 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE HITCHHIKER
An attractive Polish blonde [sort of an oxymoron] was hitch hiking. A trucker pulled over and offered her a ride. When the blonde got in the cab, she saw all the CB equipment that the driver had installed. She asked the driver, "What's that?"
The driver explained that it was CB equipment and with it, he could contact anyone in the world. The hiker exclaimed, "Anybody in the world!!?? You mean, you could reach my Mother in Poland with that equipment??"
The driver said that she could and the blonde replied, "Gee, I'd do anything for you if you'd contact my Mother. I really miss her."
So the driver pulled the rig over to the side of the road and proceeded to unzip his pants and haul "it" out.
The Polish blonde looked at "it" for a minute, confused, then leaned over, took "it" in her hand and yelled, "Hello, Mom??"
Added: Sunday 22nd November 2009 06:00:02
A BLONDE GOT ROBBED
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Added: Thursday 19th November 2009 12:00:02
THIRD GRADE
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade, Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because she's 18.
Added: Wednesday 18th November 2009 12:00:01
RANSOM NOTE
A blonde who is desparate for money kidnaps a child, pins a
ransom note on his shirt demanding that $10,000 be placed in
a trash can at the school by noon, signs it "from a blonde"
and sends the kid home. At high noon she goes to the trash
can and finds the $10,000 with a note saying "How could you
do this to a fellow blonde?"
Added: Monday 16th November 2009 06:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLONDE JOKES
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Added: Saturday 14th November 2009 18:00:02
A BLONDE & MECHANIC
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 14th November 2009 12:00:01
PLANNING WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 13th November 2009 12:00:01
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building.
How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
Added: Wednesday 11th November 2009 00:00:02
BRUNETTE
Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE STANDING ON HER HEAD? A. A BRUNETTE WITH BAD BREATH.
Added: Tuesday 10th November 2009 18:00:01
RED LIGHT
What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?"
A blonde at a flashing red light.
Added: Monday 9th November 2009 06:00:02
BMW
Why do blondes like BMW's? Because they can spell it
Added: Saturday 7th November 2009 00:00:01
OOOUCCH!!!!!!!
How do you know a blonde has a bad day?
she's playing a pencil and she cant find her recorder!
Added: Friday 6th November 2009 18:00:01
SHORTAGE OF PARACHUTES
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Added: Thursday 5th November 2009 18:00:01
WILD HORSE
A blonde had a near death experience recently when she went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might
to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the
stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop
or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged
it. Thank goodness for heroes.
Added: Thursday 5th November 2009 06:00:01
MESSAGE TO MOM
This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I *must* get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..."
She does.
"Take it out..... go ahead."
She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead.. do it.."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?.... Mom?"
Added: Wednesday 4th November 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE PUNCTUATION
How would a blonde punctuate the following: fun fun fun
worry worry worry
Here's how: fun period fun period fun no period worry worry
worry
Added: Wednesday 4th November 2009 00:00:01
MORNING?
Two blokes were walking their dogs through a graveyard.
1st man said to the other, "Morning."
2nd man replied, "Nah ....just walking the dog."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 3rd November 2009 12:00:01
"TGIF" FOR
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt? It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."
Added: Sunday 1st November 2009 00:00:01
POLICEWOMAN
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over.
The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Added: Saturday 31st October 2009 12:00:01
PREGNANT BLOND
WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT?
BLOND:IS IT MINE?
Added: Thursday 29th October 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE VS. BRICK
Q: What is the differnce between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around
whining.
Added: Thursday 29th October 2009 00:00:01
A BLONDE ASTRONAUT
There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space.
Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...
The red head said, "I am going to be the first woman to land on mars."
The brunette said, "I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn."
The blonde said, "I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun."
"How are you going to do that", the other two asked.
"Simple", said the blonde. "I'll go at night!"
Added: Wednesday 28th October 2009 18:00:01
ARTIFICAL IQ
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
Added: Monday 26th October 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE IN THE POOL
What do you call a blonde at the bottom of a pool?
Air bubble.........
Added: Sunday 25th October 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE RENTS PORNO
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'
Added: Thursday 22nd October 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 7
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Added: Wednesday 21st October 2009 06:00:01
BRAINY BLONDE
Once there was a blonde who got DARNED sick and tired of those jokes mocking blondes for a low I.Q.
She therefore resolved to prove that blonds could be as smart as anyone else. She spent several weeks studiously peering at a map...
The next time some one attempted to tell a Blonde Joke, she riposted
"Well, I'm a blonde and I'm NOT stupid! I'll have you know I've memorized the Capitals of every state in the union!"
"So what's the capital of Vermont?" inquired a sceptic.
The blonde giggled: "That's easy! 'V' ........"
Added: Tuesday 20th October 2009 00:00:01
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Added: Sunday 18th October 2009 18:00:01
LIGHT AND A BLONDE
has does a blonde have safe sex?
She locks the car door
Added: Sunday 18th October 2009 06:00:02
AIR BAG
What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
An air bag.
Added: Saturday 17th October 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE AND THE COMPUTER
Q) How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer?
A) Theres cheese by the mouse and tip-ex on the screen!
Added: Monday 12th October 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 12
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like snails.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The Blonde!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Added: Sunday 11th October 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE HORSE SENSE
A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"
Added: Saturday 10th October 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE SELLING CAR
A blonde tried to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car.
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
Added: Thursday 8th October 2009 12:00:02
BLONDE SUV
Q: Why didn't the blonde drive her SUV to the cleaners?
Because the commercial said, "This car won't take you to the
cleaners."
Added: Thursday 8th October 2009 00:00:01
TWO BLONDES WALK INT
Two blondes walk into a bar. The make a toast to 17 days. The bar tender was curious so he asked "what's 17 days?"
and they replied, "We finished a puzzle in 17 days and it said '3 to 7 years' on it"
Added: Sunday 4th October 2009 12:00:01
SHOT IN THE HEAD
When is it OK to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!
Added: Saturday 3rd October 2009 12:00:02
TAKING A FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her University final examination
which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat
in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and
started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes
for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the
class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was
going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am
rechecking my answers."
Added: Friday 2nd October 2009 18:00:02
BLONDES AND COMPUTER
How do you know that a blonde was using the computer?
there is white out on the screen
How do you know that another blonde was using that computer?
there is writing over the white out
How do you know that a third blonde was using the computer?
the joystick is wet
Added: Thursday 1st October 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE JUMPING OFF A
There was a blonde, redhead, and a burnette. They all jumped off the building. Which on hit the ground last? The dumb blonde because she had to stop and ask directions.
Added: Tuesday 29th September 2009 00:00:01
HOW DOES A BLOND TURN ON THE LIGHT AFTER SEX
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
Added: Wednesday 23rd September 2009 18:00:01
BRAIN CELLS
Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone.
Added: Monday 21st September 2009 18:00:01
FOOTBALL BLONDE
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then, for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"
Added: Sunday 20th September 2009 18:00:01
DEFINITION OF ETERNITY
Q: What is a good definition of "Eternity"?
A: Four blondes at a four-way stop.
Added: Sunday 20th September 2009 12:00:01
I WANT SOME MILK
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Added: Saturday 19th September 2009 18:00:01
BLIND POLICEMAN
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
Added: Tuesday 15th September 2009 00:00:02
PAINTING BLONDE
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."
Added: Monday 14th September 2009 18:00:01
WAYNE
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the blonde girl.
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 12th September 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE IN COLLEGE
A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"
Added: Tuesday 8th September 2009 18:00:01
ONE WISH TO EACH
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
Added: Tuesday 8th September 2009 06:00:01
WHAT DOES A SCREEN D
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Added: Monday 7th September 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE STEWARDESS
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!
Added: Sunday 6th September 2009 06:00:01
ROOFING
Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"
. The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end."
The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"
Added: Wednesday 2nd September 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE AND A TURTLE
What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
Once their on their back there screwed.
Added: Tuesday 1st September 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE
What do u get when the blonde wakes up first
A.Bed HEad
Added: Sunday 30th August 2009 12:00:01
THE BLONDE POLICE OFFICERS
Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?"
The blonde says, "He only has one eye!".
The man says "No, no, it's a side view."
Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?"
. The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!".
The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!".
So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?"
. The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!"
The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!
The man says, "How did you know that?"
. The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"
Added: Sunday 30th August 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE DANCER
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Added: Saturday 29th August 2009 18:00:01
16 FRIENDS
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Because the sign said under 17 not admitted.
Added: Wednesday 26th August 2009 06:00:01
SHE WAS SO BLONDE
She was so blonde...
...She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
...She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...She tried to drown a fish.
...She thought a quarterback was a refund.
...She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...She tripped over a cordless phone.
...She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius".
...She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...She studied for a blood test, and failed.
...She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...She sold the car for gas money.
...When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Added: Tuesday 25th August 2009 18:00:01
ROWING IN THE CORNFIELD
One day, a blonde drove by a cornfield and saw another
blonde out in the field trying to row a boat.
"Geez, I hate blondes like that," said the blonde as she
drove by. "If I could swim I'd go out there and kick her
butt!"
Added: Friday 21st August 2009 00:00:01
TWO NUNS
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 19th August 2009 18:00:03
SCARF
Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight
Added: Tuesday 18th August 2009 12:00:01
POTATOES!!
A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and
decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing
in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap
feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his
flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He
kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she
responded with a convincing "woof woof". He kicked the
second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect
cat's meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer
responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked
the last bag, the one containing the blonde. She yelled out
"potatoes!!!"
Added: Sunday 16th August 2009 18:00:01
BURNED EARS
A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear," she replied.
"Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?" he asked.
She frowned and replied "The jerk rang back!"
Added: Sunday 16th August 2009 06:00:04
PUZZLE
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it
said From 2-4 years.
Added: Wednesday 12th August 2009 06:00:04
TRUCKER AND BLONDE
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her
brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's
cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She
comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home
and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only
going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get
past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a
foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her
it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first
attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and
begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on
his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the
side of the road. The trucker steps out of his
vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet
in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not
to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees
to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to
his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He
walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and
beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand
new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he
throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde.
When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling
around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She
is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can
make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the
circle!"
Added: Sunday 9th August 2009 12:00:01
THE BLONDE'S HAI
One day a blonde walked into a barber shop and asked for a hair cut. when the barber asked her how she wanted it she said any way, just don't take of my headphones.
She went into the barber shop every day for a month and told the barber the same thing every day.
One day the barber decided to see what would happen when he took off the headphones. When he did the blonde grabbed her neck then fell over dead.
When the barber listened to the headphones they were saying breathe in breathe out....
Added: Friday 7th August 2009 12:00:02
MAKE IT OFF THE ISLAND
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Added: Wednesday 5th August 2009 12:00:01
TWIN BLONDES
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 5th August 2009 06:00:03
WHY DID THE BLONDE T
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Added: Monday 3rd August 2009 12:00:01
HALF BLONDE
there was a blonde walking down the street.a fairy caught up with her and said she has three wishes but, every wish she makes every girl in the world gets twice as much. So the blonde wished for a million bucks. the fairy said okay but now every girl gets twice as much.then the blonde wished for two fancy cars. the fairy said okay but every girl gets twice as many. The fairy said you have one more wish. the blonde finally wished for half of her body gone. the fairy said you wish it i grant it.
Added: Friday 31st July 2009 18:00:02
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A BRAIN?
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A: A golden retriever.
Added: Friday 31st July 2009 06:00:05
BANGING PUSSY
There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.
Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.
" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".
On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".
Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop
to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.
While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".
On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 30th July 2009 06:00:05
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling.
Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights.
Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
Added: Wednesday 29th July 2009 18:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE WRECK HER CAR WHILE DRIVING?
Q: Why did the blonde wreck her car while driving?
A: Because someone told her to drive straight home.
Added: Tuesday 28th July 2009 06:00:04
COMFORTABLE
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slowly."
Submitterd by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 26th July 2009 18:00:02
2 NUNS & A BLONDE
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Added: Sunday 19th July 2009 18:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A HIGH IQ?
Q: What do you call a blonde with a high IQ?
A: A Golden Retriever
Added: Friday 17th July 2009 06:00:04
SWIMMING CONTEST
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.
They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel.
After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the redhead reached the French coast.
Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the brunette finally came into sight.
"What took you so long?" inquired the redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view.
Once on dry land the brunette asked the blonde, "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated," replied the indignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 11th July 2009 18:00:01
GOLD MEDAL
What did the blond gold medalist at the Olympics do when she got home ? She had her gold metal bronzed.
Added: Friday 10th July 2009 06:00:04
DON'T GIVE A BLONDE A GUN
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she
thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home,
she finds her husband in bed with a another woman. The
blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it
at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
shoot.
The blonde replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
Added: Tuesday 7th July 2009 12:00:02
LEATHER JACKET
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!
Added: Monday 6th July 2009 00:00:01
WHY DO BLONDES WEAR
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
Added: Sunday 5th July 2009 00:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE CLIMB THE GLASS WALL?
Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Added: Saturday 4th July 2009 06:00:04
SPEEDING BLONDE
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???"
replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?"
asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?"
asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment."
said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute."
said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes."
replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?"
asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes."
replied the cop.
"Here's what you do."
said the dispatcher.
"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate."
exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it."
said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs.....
"Ohh no... not another breathalyser.
Added: Monday 29th June 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE - FREEZER
Q: What do you call a blonde in a freezer? A: A "frosted
flake"
Added: Saturday 27th June 2009 18:00:02
LIGHT BULB 4
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
"You can change those things?!"
Added: Thursday 25th June 2009 00:00:02
CLEVER BLONDE
Q: What do you call a clever blonde?
A: A labrador
Added: Wednesday 24th June 2009 12:00:01
COCKFIGHT
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a blonde is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Added: Tuesday 23rd June 2009 12:00:01
GERNADE
what do you do if a blonde throws a gernade at you???
pull the pin and throw it back
Added: Monday 22nd June 2009 12:00:01
ICE CUBES
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blonde's freezer?
A: She forgot the recipe.
Added: Friday 19th June 2009 00:00:01
1/2 SMART BLOND!
A blond is walking along when she meets a fairy. The fary says that she can have three wishes but what ever she wishes for every other blond get twice as much. The blond thinks this over and starts the 3 wishes...
The first wish was to get a realy hot, nice, guy. The fariy warns her that every other blond will get two but the blond knods to this. Next she wishes for $10 million and when the fairy warns her she knods again and says her last wish. She said "Beat me 1/2 to death" the fairy, reluctant at first does the wish and the blond live happely ever after!
Added: Thursday 18th June 2009 12:00:01
EYES CLOSED
Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
Added: Wednesday 17th June 2009 00:00:01
WHY DOES A BLONDE IN
Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Added: Monday 15th June 2009 12:00:01
HANGING FROM PLANE
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Added: Monday 15th June 2009 06:00:05
DROWNING
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Or: Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Added: Sunday 14th June 2009 18:00:01
MILEAGE
A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles.
The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.
About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says, "Did you ever sell your car?"
"No," says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it."
Added: Friday 12th June 2009 12:00:01
JUMPING BLONDE
A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.
When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.
When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.
When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
Added: Friday 12th June 2009 06:00:04
PREGNANT BLONDE
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.
Added: Thursday 11th June 2009 00:00:02
BLACK, BLUE AND BROW
What is black, blue and brown? A blonde who has told too many blonde jokes.
Added: Saturday 6th June 2009 06:00:04
GRENADE
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Added: Tuesday 2nd June 2009 06:00:03
BMW
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
Added: Saturday 30th May 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE PAINTS THE PORCH
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Added: Friday 29th May 2009 18:00:02
DRIVERS LICENCE
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Added: Friday 29th May 2009 06:00:04
BLONDE POLO PLAYER
Q: Ever hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
A: She drowned her horse!
Added: Wednesday 27th May 2009 00:00:01
ALMOST CAUGHT
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Added: Tuesday 26th May 2009 00:00:01
HIDE AND SEEK
You find a skeleton in a closet with blonde hair, what is it?
The winner of hide and go seek.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 24th May 2009 06:00:05
SLEEPING PILLS
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Added: Saturday 23rd May 2009 18:00:01
GOOD RANCHERS
Why don't blondes make good cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 23rd May 2009 12:00:01
THE QUARTERBACK
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!" Hel-l-l-lo! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd
do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!!!
Added: Wednesday 20th May 2009 06:00:04
ANGRY TRUCK DRIVER
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
Added: Friday 15th May 2009 12:00:01
THE MICROWAVE
A blonde walks in to a store and say " i'd like to buy that there VCR And the clerk say " i don't sell stuff to dumb blondes. The next day the same blonde dyes her hair red and says" i'd like to buy that there VCR The clerk says "I don't sell stuff to dumd blondes" the blonde flips out and say's can't you see my hair is red" so the clerk says " ma'am that there VCR is actually a microwave
Added: Sunday 10th May 2009 12:00:01
JIGSAW
A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband used to go away to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together. A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied-
"I cant solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! Its supposed to be a tiger but I cant even get two pieces to fit together!" The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said-
"Ok i will make us both a cup of tea and we'll sit down together and put all the frosties back in the box"
Added: Friday 8th May 2009 12:00:01
5 BLONDES CELEBRATE
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.
Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
Added: Thursday 7th May 2009 12:00:01
CLEAN THOSE RESTROOMS
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Added: Thursday 7th May 2009 06:00:05
BLONDES MUM DIES
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
Added: Wednesday 6th May 2009 18:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A S
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever
Added: Tuesday 5th May 2009 06:00:04
BROKEN DOWN
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 3rd May 2009 18:00:01
GREAT HOOTERS
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
Added: Sunday 3rd May 2009 12:00:01
WHO SURVIVES?
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are in the back of a
pickup truck. The truck goes out of control and into the
river. Which person drowns?
Answer: The Blonde drowns because she is still trying to
open the tailgate.
Added: Friday 1st May 2009 18:00:01
ICE FISHING
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run
over by the zambonis machine.
Added: Thursday 30th April 2009 06:00:03
DUMB BLONDE CROOKS
Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Added: Tuesday 28th April 2009 06:00:04
BUYING SUPPLIES
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We
need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused
for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
After a while, the blonde returned to the office and said,
"A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Added: Sunday 26th April 2009 00:00:01
SMART BLONDE
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Added: Saturday 25th April 2009 12:00:02
BLONDE FATHER
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says ''Alright. Who's the other father!''
Added: Tuesday 21st April 2009 18:00:02
DUMB ONE
I once knew a blonde who sold her car for gas money.
Added: Tuesday 21st April 2009 12:00:01
YELLOW BALL
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 21st April 2009 06:00:04
BLONDE T-SHIRTS
Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?
It stands for tits go in front.
Added: Friday 17th April 2009 18:00:04
TAKEAWAY THE BLANKET
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.
"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"
"OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Added: Thursday 16th April 2009 12:00:02
BLONDE DEPUTY
The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy.
When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The Sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The Sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 15th April 2009 18:00:04
SMELLS GOOD
Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
Added: Tuesday 14th April 2009 00:00:01
BATH
Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.
Added: Monday 13th April 2009 12:00:02
HURTS ALL OVER
A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains.
Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"
She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her
knee and says "here too."
The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.
She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.
The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger
is broken."
Added: Monday 13th April 2009 00:00:02
A BLONDE FARMER?
Why cant a blonde girl be a farmer?
Because she cant keep her calves together...
Added: Saturday 11th April 2009 18:00:02
TRIVIAL PURSUIT
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Added: Sunday 5th April 2009 00:00:01
BREATHALYZER
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 3rd April 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE SIENTIEST
there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,
this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.
Added: Friday 3rd April 2009 06:00:05
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLOND?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Added: Thursday 2nd April 2009 12:00:02
EMPTY BEER BOTTLES
Q: Why did the blonde put empty beer bottles in the fridge?
A: For the people who don't drink
Added: Wednesday 1st April 2009 06:00:04
THE BLONDE SHEEP HER
There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Added: Tuesday 31st March 2009 06:00:04
BLONDE TELEPHONE
What is the first thing a blonde says when she answers the
phone?
Hello! Your looking well today!
Added: Sunday 29th March 2009 18:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE DIE WHILE DRINKING MILK?
Q: Why did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Added: Saturday 28th March 2009 18:00:01
LAID ALL OVER
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Added: Thursday 26th March 2009 12:00:02
FLASHERS
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day.
So she eases it onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and then opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats that turn to face oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes the highway's worst pileup to date.
Shortly the police show up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs up to the blonde and yells, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by your car?" asks the cop.
"I've always been told when you're on the side of the road to use your emergency flashers!," she replied.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 26th March 2009 06:00:04
PARALYZED
What is the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 26th March 2009 00:00:01
WINDOW WASHING
Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Added: Wednesday 25th March 2009 12:00:02
AN ATHLETE'S DREAMS
Big Jock met a gorgeous blonde at a bar one night. Well, as
always, he performed as well as one would expect of an
athlete in his condition.
After it was all said and done, the blonde whose name was
Jeannie said, "I am truly a Genie and you have satisfied me
like no other. And for that I would like to grant you three
of your greatest dreams".
Big Jock couldn't believe his luck. He then said, "Well for
my first wish, I would like to become the most famous
quarterback in history. For my second wish, I'd like to be
the most famous goalie in history. And for my final wish, I
would like to be history's most famous pitcher."
Jeannie then said, "Well that's quite an order but I can do
it. It'll take me a year or so, but all your wishes will come
true."
In January, Big Jock was the first quarterback to throw
eleven consecutive touchdown passes, leading his team to the
biggest score and Super Bowl win in history.
In May, Jock was the first goalie to post fifteen
consecutive shut-outs on his team's way to winning the
Stanley Cup.
The following October, his third wish came true. Jock found
himself turned into the Mona Lisa.
Added: Saturday 21st March 2009 12:00:03
BLONDE BANK ROBBERS
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first
blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with
the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,
stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make
absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to
be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with
the cash. Do you
understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," replied Buffie.
Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway
car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven
minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie.
She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it
to the car.
About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the
bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming
out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his
ankles while he was firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a
blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I
said, 'Tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!'"
Added: Friday 20th March 2009 18:00:01
A BLONDE GETS PULLED
A blonde gets pulled over for doing 50 mph in a 35 mph zone. The officer asks her for a licsense.
"Uhhh...What's that?"
, the blonde asked. The officer says, "The little plastic thingy with your picture on it."
"Oh! I've got one of those!" and hands it to him.
"Now I need your registeration. It's the piece of paper that people usually keep in there glove box that says that the car car belongs to them."
"I think I have one of those!" and digs around then hands it to him. The officer takes them back to radio them in so she rolls her window up to wait. A few minutes later he comes back and taps on her window so she rolls it back down. Once she has it rolled down the officer unzips his pants to which the blonde says "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalizer!!"
Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 10:58:39
WHY CAN'T BLONDES DIAL 911?
Q: Why can't blondes dial 911?
A: Because they cant find the eleven on the phone.
Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 10:45:30
FREE SAMPLES
One day a blonde walked into a cookie shop to see a small
tray full of cookies. The sign said 'free sample' so she took
one.
The next day the blond was sick and could barely move. She
swore revenge upon the cookie shop. She marched back to the
cookie shop and burst into the cookie shop and slammed her
foot. "Your cookies made me sick!" she screamed, pointing to
the 'free sample' tray.
"Oh, what are we going to do about that?" said the store
clerk, as he bit
his lip.
"I want my money back!" screamed the blonde.
Added: Thursday 19th March 2009 06:00:04
SMART BLONDE
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Added: Tuesday 17th March 2009 12:00:01
BAD DAY FOR A BLONDE
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 15th March 2009 18:00:01
HOW TO CONFUSE A BLO
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Tell them to go piss in the corner of a round room. Q:How does a blonde confuse you? A:Comes back and tells you she did!
Added: Friday 13th March 2009 06:00:02
ROUND TRIP
Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
She wanted to go on a round trip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 12th March 2009 06:00:05
A ROLL OF THE DICE
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Added: Tuesday 10th March 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE PAINTER
The blonde was broke and desparate. She knocked on the door
of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be
willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be
willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said
the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only
$50. "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?" the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor
told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the
door. "All done," she said, "and by the way, it's not a
porch, it's a Ferrari."
Added: Monday 9th March 2009 12:00:01
THE CAMPING TRIP
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her
husband, the Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to
take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together
and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food and supplies.
Mike would be the cook this trip.
Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time
schedule.
Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into
Johnnie's schedule.
And Sally, would test all their equipment before setting
out.
Well, they arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was
excited. They arrived right on schedule, and were getting
ready for their first event; hiking up the mountain. But
first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked
Mike if he would prepare the meal and of course, Mike said he
would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't
make the supper because I can't light a fire with the matches
you brought."
Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches
should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we
left."
Added: Saturday 7th March 2009 12:00:02
BUYING DRINKS AT A BAR
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
Added: Thursday 5th March 2009 00:00:01
APPLYING FOR A JOB
A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc.
Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected.
She wrote, "YES."
Added: Wednesday 4th March 2009 12:00:01
THE FUNNIEST BLONDE JOKE
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Added: Wednesday 4th March 2009 00:00:01
BARTENDER
A brunette walks into a bar and says, ''Gimme an M L.'' The bartender says, " What's an M L?'' She says, '' A Miller Light.''
Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L.'' The bartender says, ''What's a B L?"
She says, ''Bud Light.''
A dumb blonde walks in and says, ''Gimme a 15.'' The bar tender says,'' What's a fifteen?'' She says,'' 7&7, duh!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd March 2009 00:00:02
DISNEY LAND
There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
Added: Monday 2nd March 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE BOYS
Why do blonde girls have black and blue spots around their belly button?
Blonde Boys are dumb too.
Added: Saturday 28th February 2009 06:00:05
SUICIDE BLOND
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, 'Shut up... you're next.'
Added: Saturday 28th February 2009 00:00:02
MEDICAL COMPLIMENT
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blonde yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!''
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 26th February 2009 06:00:04
BLONDE NURSE
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
Added: Wednesday 25th February 2009 12:00:01
BLONDE HORSES AROUND
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
Added: Tuesday 24th February 2009 00:00:02
AFTER SEX
What does a blonde say after she`s had sex? "All you boys on the same team?"
Added: Monday 23rd February 2009 00:00:01
HOW A BLONDE ROBS A BANK
Q: How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at the
bank? A: She put her gun in the little basket along with a
note that said "This is a stick-up"
Added: Wednesday 18th February 2009 12:00:01
SKYDIVING TEAM
What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.
Added: Wednesday 18th February 2009 00:00:01
DRIVERS LICENCE
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Added: Tuesday 17th February 2009 06:00:04
THE THREE WOMEN
There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The brunet said "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, "Earthquake!!" Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The red head said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the red head yelled, "Tornando!!" Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The blonde said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, "FIRE!!"
Added: Monday 16th February 2009 18:00:02
THE BLOND AND THE BAD DAY
Q. How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and her pencil is
missing!
Added: Sunday 15th February 2009 12:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A FLY THAT FLIES INTO A BLONDE'S HEAD?
Q: What do you call a fly that flies into a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.
Added: Sunday 15th February 2009 00:00:01
3 BLONDES IN A HOUSE
There were three blondes living together.
Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, "Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.
Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, "Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?" She stood there, just thinking about it.
Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, "Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!" She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: "Was that the front door or the back door?
Added: Friday 13th February 2009 06:00:03
NUMBER
When blondes count, why don't they usually get up to the
number 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Added: Tuesday 10th February 2009 12:00:02
ANOTHER DUMB BLONDE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Added: Tuesday 10th February 2009 06:00:04
BLONDE LUMBERJACK
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her
fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a
foreman of a logging organization who
offers to give her a job.
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you
to cut down at least 100 trees a day,"
the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a
problem, so she went out with the
Chainsaw and did her best. She came
back drenched in sweat.
"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut
down?" asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that.
Get up earlier tomorrow!"
So she did. Out she went with the
chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.
"How many this time?" asked the foreman.
"12" she said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm
coming out there with you tomorrow
morning!"
The next morning, the foreman reaches
the first tree and says, "This is how
to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and
it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM.
He notices the blonde is looking at him
frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.
And she replies, "What the hell is that
noise?"
Added: Monday 9th February 2009 18:00:02
KNITTING BLONDE
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.
"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
Added: Monday 9th February 2009 12:00:01
BOX OF CONDOMS
A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend.
The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.
The blonde says "I thought they were only a dollar."
The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the tax.
The blonde gets all wide eyed and says "Oh, is that how you keep em on?!"
Added: Thursday 5th February 2009 00:00:01
HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLONDE?
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put two shovels in front of her and tell her to take
her pick.
Added: Tuesday 3rd February 2009 18:00:02
HOLD THAT THOUGHT
Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 2nd February 2009 00:00:01
BLONDES AND GRENADES
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a Grenade at you?
A: You pull the pin out and throw it back at her.
Added: Sunday 1st February 2009 12:00:01
WHAT DO PEROXIDE BLO
What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Added: Friday 30th January 2009 18:00:02
WALK DOWN THE RIVER
A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Added: Friday 30th January 2009 12:00:02
NURSERY RHYME
Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? A:
Humpme Dumpme.
Added: Friday 30th January 2009 06:00:04
A BLONDE GIVES UP MEN
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn
off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no
good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going
to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her
friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an
orgasm as usual!"
Added: Thursday 29th January 2009 18:00:01
INTO THIN AIR
Question:
What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
Answer:
An air mattress.
Added: Thursday 29th January 2009 00:00:02
CAN YOU TELL ME THE TIME?
"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of
a man on the street corner. "Sure....it's three
fifteen,"he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a
puzzled look crossing her face."You know, it's the weirdest
thing-I've been asking that question all day long, and each
time I get a different answer."
Added: Monday 26th January 2009 12:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A Z
What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.
Added: Saturday 24th January 2009 06:00:01
BLONDE GOES CAMPING
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband,who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipmen tbefore setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event -hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can' tmake the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Added: Wednesday 21st January 2009 12:00:01
I CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT THAT
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
Added: Wednesday 21st January 2009 00:00:01
AFTER THE CRASH
A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck.
The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back.
While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge!
After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced.
A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.
"Where have you been?" asked the man.
Exasperated, she said, "I can’t believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!"
Added: Monday 19th January 2009 18:00:02
A BLONDE'S BRAIN
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette.
"We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde.
"I almost got caught."
Added: Saturday 17th January 2009 12:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE H
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Added: Saturday 17th January 2009 00:00:01
WINDOW SEAT
A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.
Added: Friday 16th January 2009 06:00:02
MAGIC MIRROR
Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell
when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you
in and you were gone forever.
One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by
the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm
the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror
sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in
and she, too, disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."
ZAP!
Added: Tuesday 13th January 2009 00:00:02
MY BOOBS
(do this on your calculator.) one day there was a Blonde who thought her boobs were 2 2 big so she went to 37th street to building number 8 and talked to Dr. double 00. She left building number eight to find she was boobless. ( turn calculator upside down to see boobless)
Added: Sunday 11th January 2009 18:00:02
BLONDE BRAIN CELLS
Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Added: Sunday 11th January 2009 00:00:01
BLONDE BUILDER
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
Added: Saturday 10th January 2009 18:00:02
CONFUSING A BLONDE
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the
corner.
Q. How does the blonde confuse you?
A. She tells you she did.
Added: Wednesday 7th January 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE COUNTING SHEE
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want."
The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one."
"Why not?"
asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted."
And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
Added: Tuesday 6th January 2009 06:00:02
A BLONDE WEIGHT PROBLEM
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a
diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Added: Monday 5th January 2009 12:00:06
747
How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 3rd January 2009 18:00:01
BLONDE ASTRONAUT?
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new
NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First,
they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want
to go to and
why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to
go to Mars
because it seems so interesting with all the recent news
about possible
extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they
would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked
her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to
Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they
would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the
same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She
thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the
sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if
you went to
the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you
guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
Added: Friday 2nd January 2009 18:00:01
IMAGINARY
Theres a smart blonde,toothfairy,honest politician,and a leprichan. They all spot a $100 bill. Who gets it? Noone they are all imaginary creatures.
Added: Thursday 1st January 2009 18:00:04
JEALOUS REVENGE
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
Added: Wednesday 31st December 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE SUICIDE
A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand.
The doctor asks, "How did this happen?"
She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger"
Added: Wednesday 31st December 2008 12:00:03
SPARKLE
how do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?
you shine a light in her ear
Added: Tuesday 30th December 2008 18:00:04
PLAYING TRIVIAL PURSUIT WITH A BLONDE
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she
landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is
it on or off?"
Added: Tuesday 30th December 2008 12:00:01
I'M GOING ICE FISHING!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Added: Friday 26th December 2008 12:00:01
WHAT DO SMART BLONDE
Waht do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them!
Added: Friday 26th December 2008 00:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Added: Thursday 25th December 2008 18:00:01
WHY ARE BLONDE JOKES SO SHORT?
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them!
Added: Wednesday 24th December 2008 18:00:02
BLONDE HOUSES
Q: What is even dumber than a blonde trying to build a house
underwater?
A: A blonde trying to burn it down.
Added: Wednesday 24th December 2008 12:00:02
REST AREA
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Added: Wednesday 24th December 2008 00:00:02
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant
Added: Monday 22nd December 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Foot-powered wheel chair
2. Solar-powered flashlight
3. Electric-powered power plant
4. Screen door for Submarine Hatch
5. Dehydrated water (1 cup of water makes 2/3 cup of water!)
Added: Monday 22nd December 2008 12:00:02
BLONDE IN A WHEAT FI
Theres a blonde in a row boat, in a wheat field. Then a blonde in a mercedes pulls up and says"Its blondes like you that give us a bad name! If i knew how to swim i would come over there and beat the crap out of you!"
Added: Wednesday 17th December 2008 12:00:01
FISH
How did the blonde attempt to kill the fish?
She tried to drown it.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 17th December 2008 00:00:02
WHY DID GOD CREATE B
Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Added: Sunday 14th December 2008 18:00:02
STICK TO THE CEILING
How does a blonde know if she had a good night?
She throws her panties to the air. If they stick to the ceiling it was good.
Added: Saturday 13th December 2008 18:00:01
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Added: Wednesday 10th December 2008 12:00:02
JELLO
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure
out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Added: Saturday 6th December 2008 18:00:01
COFFEE BREAKS
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It
takes too long to retrain them.
Added: Tuesday 2nd December 2008 18:00:02
ROOSTER PUZZLE
A blonde was trying to put together a puzzle but none of the
pieces would fit together. She called her boyfriend and
asked, "Can you come over? I'm trying to put this puzzle
together but none of the pieces fit together."
He replied "Well what is the puzzle suppose to look like?"
"A rooster" she said.
The boyfriend decided to go over, took one look at the
"puzzle" and told her to put the Corn Flakes back in the box.
Added: Tuesday 2nd December 2008 06:00:01
COP CHASE
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."
Added: Monday 1st December 2008 12:00:01
DRIVE WAY
Q: how do you keep a blond at Home
A: build a circular drive way!!!!!!!!
Added: Thursday 27th November 2008 12:00:01
BROKEN FINDER
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Added: Wednesday 26th November 2008 18:00:02
ANY LAST REQUESTS?
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 26th November 2008 12:00:01
CAR POOL
How does the blonde car pool work?
They all meet at work at 7:45.
Added: Tuesday 25th November 2008 18:00:02
BARBIE & BRITNEY
Question: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
Answer: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic!
Added: Monday 24th November 2008 00:00:01
DONATIONS
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
Added: Friday 21st November 2008 12:00:02
PET ZEBRA
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 20th November 2008 18:00:01
STUCK ON AN ISLAND
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island.
One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat."
With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need a jetski."
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks inquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 18th November 2008 18:00:01
MOVE
What did the blonde do when she heard 90% of accidents happen in the house?
She moved.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 16th November 2008 12:00:01
BLONDES CAN'T COUNT
Why can't a blonde count past 68?
Cause 69 is a mouthful.
Added: Wednesday 12th November 2008 18:00:03
BLONDE LIGH BULB
Q:How many Blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:6,one to hold ladder, One to hold light bulb, 4 to turn the
house
Added: Tuesday 11th November 2008 06:00:02
KFC
Why did the blonde go to KFC?
She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99
Added: Monday 10th November 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE - DEATH IN TH
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''
Added: Thursday 6th November 2008 18:00:01
DO YOU SEE THE DEAD BIRD?
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Added: Thursday 6th November 2008 00:00:01
WAVE
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
Added: Tuesday 4th November 2008 00:00:02
TO JUMP OR NOT TO JUMP
A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building.
The brunette says "I bet u he will jump."
The blonde says "ok".
Later on he jumps.
When the brunette is leaving she says "I can't take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o'clock news."
The blonde says "I did too but i didn't think he would jump again."
Added: Monday 3rd November 2008 18:00:01
I THINK...
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."
So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.
Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Sunday 2nd November 2008 12:00:01
THIRSTY BLONDE
One hot day, a blonde went up to a pop machine outside of Safeway and pulled out a handful of quarters. She put the first quarter in and got a pop. She put a second quarter in and got another pop. She continued to do this until, finally, a man who was very thirsty, tapped her and the shoulder and asked, "Excuse me, miss. I'm really thirsty and you're taking a really long time. You already have like 10 pops! What are you doing?"
The blonde turned and said, "DUH!! Winning!"
Added: Saturday 1st November 2008 18:00:01
WHY DO BLONDES HAVE SQUARE BOOBS?
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box
first!!!
Added: Friday 31st October 2008 06:00:02
BLONDE THROWING A PIN
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She has a gernade in her mouth!
Added: Thursday 30th October 2008 18:00:02
BLONDE CAR HIJINX!
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Turning off the car!
Added: Tuesday 28th October 2008 12:00:01
BLONDES
3 blondes stranded into the woods the first says look moose tracks the second blonde says no there bear tracks the 3rd said no actually they are deer tracks then a train hits them.
Added: Monday 27th October 2008 18:00:02
TRUE BLONDE?
A blonde walks into a bar, the guy at the counter says to her, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes, I am", says the blonde.
"Can you prove it?" asks the guy.
"How do you propose I do this?", asks the blonde.
"Well, pull down your pants & I'll be able to tell, if you're a natural blonde, you're 'hair down there' will be blonde as well ." states the guy.
The blonde thinks about it for a minute, looks at the guy & says, "O.K., I will"
She pulls her pants down & is covered in thick, black hair.
The guy laughs & calls her a liar.
She asks him to do her a favor now.
"Place your thumb on the counter, I have a point to prove." She says.
The guys laughs again, rolls his eyes, and places his thumb on the counter.
The blonde hits his thumb as hard as she can with a beer bottle, it immediately bruises.
The guys jumps up & asks her, "What the hell was that for?"
The blonde smiles, and says, "Look, and that was only banged once."
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 26th October 2008 06:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Added: Saturday 25th October 2008 12:00:01
DANDRUFF
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
Added: Saturday 25th October 2008 00:00:02
THE BLONDE WOKE UP!
What did the blonde say when she woke-up underneath a cow?
Why are you guys still here?
Added: Thursday 23rd October 2008 00:00:01
MAKING OUT
A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to "Makeout Mountain", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.
Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
Unfazed, they continue making out.
The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No.
A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it.
Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you."
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 20th October 2008 00:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Added: Friday 17th October 2008 18:00:02
BLONDE WITH CHILD
why did the blonde change her babys diaper once a month?
because the tag says good for up to 25lbs !!
Added: Thursday 16th October 2008 06:00:01
BLONDE JOB APPLICATION
A blonde was filling out her job application. When it asked
for "Education," she wrote "Hooked on Phonics."
Added: Monday 13th October 2008 18:00:02
BRANCH MANAGER
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch Manager.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 12th October 2008 18:00:01
LOTTO
A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost.
She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
Added: Saturday 11th October 2008 18:00:01
ICE HOLE
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Added: Friday 10th October 2008 12:00:01
HEAR ABOUT THE BLOND
Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Added: Tuesday 7th October 2008 12:00:02
IT WON'T BE LONG
A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and
wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortuantely, she was
having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer
and asked him for directions.
"Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on
the 54, it will take you right there." explained the
officer.
"Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop.
Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again,
and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus
stop.
The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you
that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54,
and it will take you right there. What are you still doing
here?"
"Oh don't worry officer." she replied. "It won't be long
now. The 47th bus just went by."
Added: Tuesday 7th October 2008 00:00:01
COOKING
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Added: Sunday 5th October 2008 06:00:01
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Added: Friday 3rd October 2008 06:00:01
CRAZY COINCIDENCE
Question:
What do a blonde and a car have in common?
Answer:
They can both drive you crazy!
Added: Wednesday 1st October 2008 06:00:01
BLONDE IN THE MORNIN
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
Go home!
Added: Wednesday 1st October 2008 00:00:01
HOW DO YOU DROWN A B
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Added: Tuesday 30th September 2008 18:00:01
WHAT DOES A BLONDE O
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Added: Tuesday 30th September 2008 06:00:01
HAVING PUPPIES
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.
The Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex."
The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex."
Then the Blond says hesterically " Oh my God, I am going to have puppies."
Added: Tuesday 30th September 2008 00:00:01
WHY DID THE DEAF BLO
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read.
Added: Sunday 28th September 2008 18:00:02
FAILED DRIVING TEST
Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.
Added: Friday 26th September 2008 12:00:01
BLONDE AND PIZZA
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''
Added: Friday 26th September 2008 00:00:01
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
Added: Wednesday 24th September 2008 00:00:02
SPACE MISSION
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.
While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig#1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth, land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs, and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 23rd September 2008 18:00:01
SEX QUIZ
THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ
TRUE or FALSE?
1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
4. The G-string is part of a violin.
5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
16. Climax is a weather balloon.
17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.
Added: Tuesday 23rd September 2008 00:00:02
BLONDES FUN
Why do blondes have more fun?
They're easier to keep amused.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 22nd September 2008 06:00:01
OBITUARIES
Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
Added: Monday 22nd September 2008 00:00:01
MAGIC MIRROR
there was a blonde, a brunete,and a red head. they all walked into a bar for a drink.the bar tender said,''i have a magical mirror any thing you think you are.you tell the mirror and if its true you will become it even more of what you wished for.but if not the mirror will suck you up.'' so the brunet goes in and said ''i think im the prettyest girl in the world.''with that the mirror said ''you are.'' so she became prettyer than everyone in the world.then the red head went in and said ''i think im the richest girl in the world.'' the mirror said'' you look very rich you now are the richest girl in the world.''the blonde went in and said ''i think''and with that the mirror gobbeld her up.the two girls left said ''why did the mirror swollow her up?''the man said'' because she said that she thought and thats a lie.''
Added: Sunday 21st September 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 17
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby:
As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife:
Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette:
Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde:
That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde:
( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Added: Sunday 21st September 2008 00:00:01
LIBRARY FAST FOOD
A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."
The librarian replied,"Shh! This is a library!" The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."
Added: Thursday 18th September 2008 12:00:01
HELICOPTER FLYING LESSONS
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to
learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000
feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and
was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the
wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I
turned off the big fan!"
Added: Wednesday 17th September 2008 18:00:01
BAD BREATH
What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 16th September 2008 18:00:02
BEER BOTTLE
What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up!
Added: Tuesday 16th September 2008 12:00:01
IS THE COAST CLEAR?
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 15th September 2008 12:00:01
BLONDS AND PICKLES
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a pickle? A: The pickles herpes are natural.
Added: Friday 12th September 2008 06:00:01
WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF ETERNITY?
Q: What is the definition of eternity?
A: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
Added: Friday 12th September 2008 00:00:02
ROW YOUR BOAT
A blonde is out in the middle of a cornfield, in a row boat, rowing strenuously.
Another blonde pulls up in car and stops, rolling down her window. "It's blondes like you who give us other blondes a bad name!"
The blonde in the row boat stood up, almost losing her balance. "If I could swim, I'd come over there and beat you up!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 11th September 2008 06:00:01
FLIP
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put "flip" on both sides of a piece of paper!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 11th September 2008 00:00:01
BRAIN TUMOR
What do you call a zit on a blonde's bum?
A brain tumor.
Added: Wednesday 10th September 2008 06:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE W
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Added: Tuesday 9th September 2008 00:00:02
A BRIDGE IN THE DESERT
Q:What is dumber than two guys building a bridge in the
desert?
A: Two blondes trying to fish off it.
Added: Monday 8th September 2008 12:00:01
MIRROR MIRROR
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.
"This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
Added: Friday 5th September 2008 06:00:01
RETURN THE DOG
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try.
We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
Added: Thursday 4th September 2008 06:54:15
BLONDE V. MOSQUITO
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking after you hit it.
Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 12:00:01
MILK BATH
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 30 litres of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake, and thought she probably meant three litres, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note to leave 30 litres of milk. Did you mean 30 litres or three litres?'
The blonde said, 'I want 30 litres. I'm going to fill my bath up with milk and take a milk bath.'
The milkman asked, 'Pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No. Just up to my tits.'
Added: Sunday 31st August 2008 18:00:01
NOTICING A BLONDE
Q: What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street?
Ans: Nothing. Do they exist?
Added: Sunday 31st August 2008 06:00:01
ENGINE OUT
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
Added: Sunday 31st August 2008 00:00:01
ORANGE JUICE
A man walked into a store and saw a blonde staring at a
orange juice carton. When he went to pay for his goods he was
laughing hystericly. The store clerk asked, "What is so
funny?" The man simply replied, " I just relized that blonde
over there is staring at the orange juice carton because it
says CONCENTRATE!!"
Added: Monday 25th August 2008 12:00:01
THE BEACH BLONDES AND A GENIE
Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see
something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He
says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be
20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one
says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me
10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one
says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times
dumber.
She turns into a man.
Added: Saturday 23rd August 2008 18:00:01
SMART BLONDE
What do you call a smart blonde? Extinct
Added: Monday 18th August 2008 18:00:02
INDECENT EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Added: Thursday 14th August 2008 18:00:01
SMART BLONDE
Did you hear about the smart blonde? You won't either.
Added: Thursday 14th August 2008 00:00:02
BLONDE QUICKIES 4
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Added: Tuesday 12th August 2008 00:00:02
DESERT ISLAND
A blonde was stranded on a desert island so she swims half way back to the main land gets tired so she turns around and swims back.
Added: Sunday 10th August 2008 12:00:01
ALIENS AND SMART BLONDES
Q: What do smart blondes and aliens have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Added: Sunday 10th August 2008 00:00:01
BUYING A BULL
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in
Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their
cows to increase their herd.
The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and
goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old
cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got
for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to
the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a
telegram to my friend in Louisiana
that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the
trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere
in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides.
"I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm
sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL
slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
Added: Thursday 7th August 2008 18:00:01
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Added: Wednesday 6th August 2008 18:00:01
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT I AM?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Added: Friday 1st August 2008 18:00:01
MARRIAGE
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.
Added: Friday 1st August 2008 12:00:01
WHAT DOES A BLONDE S
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? "Way to go team!"
Added: Thursday 31st July 2008 06:00:01
MAN WITH DANDRUFF
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect; 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
Added: Wednesday 30th July 2008 18:00:01
HOCKEY TEAM
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
Added: Monday 28th July 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE LEGS...
What did the blonde chick's left leg say to her right leg?
Long time, no see!
Added: Monday 28th July 2008 00:00:01
3 WISHES
A brunette who really hates blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she says a magic lamp on the ground. She says to herself,"It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,"I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"
"Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?"
asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.
"For my second wish," saya the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars."
"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?"
inquires the genie. The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.
Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."
Added: Saturday 26th July 2008 06:00:01
STOP SUCKING
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 25th July 2008 06:00:01
OUCH!
A blonde walks into the doctors office. She complains about feeling sore all over. 'Show me where exactly it hurts.' so the blonde starts poking herself all over, and with each poke follows a yelp of pain from the blonde. after a couple of minutes of the doctor looking at the blonde, he comes to a conclusion. 'So it only hurts when u poke yourself with that one finger?' 'Yes' replied the blonde. 'well,' said the doctor. 'I do believe u have a broken finger!'
Added: Wednesday 23rd July 2008 12:00:01
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
Added: Tuesday 22nd July 2008 18:00:02
BLONDE PAINTING
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Added: Monday 21st July 2008 18:00:01
BLOND'S BAD DAY
Q. How do you know a blond is having a bad day? A. Her
tampon is stuck behind her ear and she can't find her
cigarette.
Added: Sunday 20th July 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE KIDNAPPER
A blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Added: Sunday 20th July 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE VISITS SHRINK
A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my
clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in
your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive,
so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox
in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any
letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm
driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Added: Saturday 19th July 2008 18:00:01
BAD NAME
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Added: Thursday 17th July 2008 12:00:01
THE JOB SEARCH
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Added: Thursday 17th July 2008 00:00:01
STOLEN CAR
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Added: Wednesday 16th July 2008 06:00:01
EMERGENCY CALL
Q: What does a blond yell in an emergency? A: What's the
number for "911"?
Added: Tuesday 15th July 2008 06:00:01
HUNTING OWLS
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and
a large bird
cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz,
had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of
days. Glad you
got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of
the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the
woods because I needed something there that would get me a
man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of
owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to
have a good pair of hooters."
Added: Monday 14th July 2008 06:00:01
WHERE DO BLONDES MEET?
Q: Where did the blonde tell her other blonde friend to meet
her?
A: At the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
Added: Friday 11th July 2008 18:00:01
DE-BRIEFING
Q:What did the blonde say when she was making out with the
Colonel?
A: Oooh . . . I've always wanted to be debriefed by you!
Added: Friday 11th July 2008 12:00:02
21, 21, 21
There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are you doing?"
The brunette replies, "Just counting."
The blonde says, "May I join you?"
"Yes," replies the brunette.
So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..."
A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit.
After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
Added: Thursday 10th July 2008 00:00:01
SPEED LIMIT
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
Added: Monday 7th July 2008 18:00:01
BLONDE CARPENTERS
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde
was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch,
look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed
to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up,
"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail
pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's
pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got really excited and called her all
kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails
that are pointed toward you! They for the other side of the
house!"
Added: Friday 27th June 2008 12:00:03
A.M. RADIO
Did you hear about the blonde that just got an A.M. radio?
It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at
night.
Added: Wednesday 25th June 2008 18:00:01
HEAD AND SHOULDERS
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Added: Wednesday 25th June 2008 00:00:01
HOW DO YOU SINK A SUBMARINE FULL OF BLONDES?
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the hatch.
Added: Tuesday 24th June 2008 00:00:01
LITTLE HOLES
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
Added: Monday 23rd June 2008 06:00:02
SHUTUP UR NEXT
one day a blonde suspects that her husband is cheating on her and so she goes to a gun shop and buys a revolver she goes home as fast as she can when she arivves she was right she saw her husband in bed with another woman she says how could you and points the gun to her head the husband says honey no!!!! she replys shut up your next
Added: Friday 20th June 2008 06:00:02
BLONDES & SEX
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Added: Sunday 15th June 2008 00:00:02
THE ONE MONTH DIAPER
A blonde mother would not change her baby's diaper for one
month because on the package it said, "Good for up to 20
pounds."
Added: Saturday 14th June 2008 00:00:01
JUST PLAIN DUMB
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"
The redhead says, yes it is.
The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".
The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."
The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
Added: Friday 13th June 2008 18:00:02
PENNY FOR THOUGHTS
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts? A: Change.
Added: Friday 13th June 2008 12:00:04
INFLATABLE CAR
A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she
suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail
storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was
really badly dented. The next day, she took it to a repair
shop.
The repair guy, noticing that she was blonde, decided to
have some fun. He told her to blow into the tail pipe real
hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.
When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe,
and her blonde girl friend saw her.
Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?" ...
thinking the worst.
She told her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail
pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says, "Duuuh! You need to roll up the
windows first!"
Added: Tuesday 10th June 2008 12:00:03
OUT OF PAPER!
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Added: Tuesday 10th June 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE AND COMPUTERS
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
Added: Sunday 8th June 2008 18:00:02
CAR ACCIDENT
Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
The spare tire in his trunk blew out.
Added: Sunday 8th June 2008 00:00:02
BLONDE AND A POOL TA
how is a blonde and a pool table alike?
you put in fifty cents and they rack your balls
Added: Thursday 5th June 2008 00:00:02
WHY DO YOU CALL A BLONDE "TWINKIE"?
Q. Why do you call a blonde "twinkie"?
A. Because she likes to be filled with cream.
Added: Monday 2nd June 2008 06:00:02
DANDRUFF
A blonde girl was talking to her brunette friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The brunette says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd June 2008 00:00:03
FULLY LOADED
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
Added: Sunday 1st June 2008 06:00:02
LIGHT BULB 5
How does a blonde change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Added: Friday 30th May 2008 18:00:02
PREGNANCY TEST
The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?"
he asked.
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?"
, he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Added: Tuesday 27th May 2008 00:00:02
DEFECTIVE NAILS
Two blondes were building a house.
One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out.
She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."
Added: Monday 26th May 2008 12:00:02
3 WISHES
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp.
They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home."
POOF, she is gone.
The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too."
POOF, she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "What is the matter?"
The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."
Added: Sunday 25th May 2008 18:00:02
LIGHT BULB 4
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
"You can change those things?!"
Added: Sunday 25th May 2008 00:00:02
A BRUNETTE'S SAC
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
Added: Friday 23rd May 2008 12:00:05
TGIF
A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'
He smiled at her and replied,
'S-H-I-T'
She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.
The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'
The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'
Added: Friday 23rd May 2008 06:00:02
HARBOR FERRY
A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:
'Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The blonde nodded 'Yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, the captain discovered her.
'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained, 'He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.'
'He sure is, lady,' said the captain. 'This is the harbor ferry.'
Added: Thursday 22nd May 2008 18:00:03
BOWLING TEAM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Added: Thursday 22nd May 2008 12:00:02
BOTTOM DEODORANT
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.
"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant," the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
"But I always buy it here," the blonde says. "I bought one last month."
Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, so maybe you can bring in the empty container next time."
"Sure," the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow."
The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant," the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms."
"No, it is not," the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 22nd May 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE HOMESTEADERS
What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter?
"If you're not in bed by 12, you can come home!"
Added: Sunday 18th May 2008 18:00:02
SO STUPID 3
~ she studied for a blood test.
~ she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~ she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~ she thought she needed a token to get on Soul train.
~ she sold the car for gas money.
~ when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 18th May 2008 00:00:02
PLAYING SOLITAIRE
A blonde got a deck of playing cards as a gift but she
couldn't find anyone to play solitaire with.
Added: Saturday 17th May 2008 18:00:01
2 BLONDES IN A CAR
Q:What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?
A:Duel air bags!
Added: Thursday 15th May 2008 00:00:02
MORE WAYS TO DROWN A
How do you drown a blonde?
When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
Added: Wednesday 14th May 2008 00:00:01
A BLONDE AND A WAITRESS
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.
The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.
"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
Added: Tuesday 13th May 2008 12:00:02
FAX
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
Added: Tuesday 13th May 2008 06:00:02
BLEACHING
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm
getting a boob job."
The second woman says, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of
having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your
husband as a blonde!"
Added: Monday 12th May 2008 00:00:02
STOLEN MERC
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favourite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around the store today before he needed her help.
She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling,
"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
Oscar panicked, "Did you try to stop him?"
She said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Added: Sunday 11th May 2008 18:00:02
QUARTERBACK
A blonde goes to a football game.
The quarterback starts running with the ball and she chases him yelling "I want my quarter back!"
Submitted by bomberman255
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 10th May 2008 06:00:02
FILING SYSTEM
Two secretaries were talking about their work.
"I hate filing," said one.
"No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said.
"Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
Added: Friday 9th May 2008 12:00:02
ROWING YOUR BOAT
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Added: Wednesday 7th May 2008 06:00:02
BLONDE CHEER
Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm
blonde, I'm B.L.O...ah, oh well..I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea
yea yea..."
Added: Saturday 3rd May 2008 18:00:04
BLONDE - DROWNING
A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.
''Where have you been?'' asked the man.
''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''
Added: Friday 2nd May 2008 18:00:02
FINDING A MIRROR
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.
"WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person before."
The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says, "Of course you do. That’s me!"
Added: Thursday 1st May 2008 18:00:01
DUMB BLONDE COMP.
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Added: Thursday 1st May 2008 12:00:03
HOW TO KILL A BLONDE
At the bottom of a pool, put a scratch and sniff sticker!
Added: Tuesday 29th April 2008 18:00:01
WHO LANDS FIRST?
Q: A blond and a brunette jump off of the Empire State
Building. Who lands first?
A: The brunette. (The blond is an airhead - she simply
floats away.)
Added: Monday 28th April 2008 06:00:02
BLONDES AND MOSQUITO
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Added: Saturday 26th April 2008 18:00:04
GREENSIDE UP!
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.
When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.
The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Greenside up!"
The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark".
The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!"
The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here".
The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up!"
The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell 'greenside up'. What is going on?"
The contractor replies, "I'm sorry for any confusion. You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
Added: Saturday 26th April 2008 00:00:03
POTATOE
one day a blonde, brounete, and a redhead go rob a bank they start running and then come to a farm with some potato sacks they all three jump in a sack the cops come and see the sacks they go to the first one and kick it the redhead thinks quick and says woff woof the cop says just a dog they kick the second bag the brounete says meow the cop says just a cat and kicks the third the blond without thinking says potato potato
Added: Friday 25th April 2008 00:00:02
BLONDE VS COMPUTER
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Added: Tuesday 22nd April 2008 06:00:02
2 BLONDES AND A BRUN
there were 2 blondes and 1 burnet hanging form a pole the pole was starting to bend so one of them had to let go but the all refused so the burnet stars telling the 2 blondes a long sympathetic story about how she will jump and let them live at the end of the story the 2 blondes let go to clap!!!
Added: Tuesday 22nd April 2008 00:00:02
WHAT DOES A BLONDE HAVE IN COMMON WITH A NOODLE?
Q: What does a blonde have in common with a noodle?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Added: Saturday 19th April 2008 18:00:04
DROWNING BLONDE
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
Added: Friday 18th April 2008 12:00:03
WHAT TYPE OF PRIZE DID YOU WIN?
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Added: Sunday 13th April 2008 06:00:02
TRIED TO KILL MYSELF
There was a blonde and she went to the emergency room because she got shot in the hand.
The doctor asked her how she got shot in the hand. She replied,"I tried to kill myself."
He replies"what?"
She says, "Well,first i put the gun to my chest,then thought '"Wait I have a 500 dollar boob job,and don't want to mess it up", then I put the gun to my chin, and thought "well, I just got new dental work done, don't want that messed up", so I put the gun to my ear,and then thought, it will be really loud, so I put my hand between the gun and my ear and pulled the trigger!"
Added: Sunday 13th April 2008 00:00:02
BLONDE BOATER
A blonde who was new to boating was having a problem with
her new ski boat. No matter how hard she tried, she just
couldn't get her boat to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane
at all and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she
putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her
what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect
working order. The engine ran fine,
the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
...
...
...
...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the
trailer.
Added: Thursday 10th April 2008 06:00:01
COPYING PAPER
A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper."
"Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other secretary.
With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.
Added: Monday 7th April 2008 12:00:02
CAR TROUBLE
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Added: Sunday 6th April 2008 00:00:03
BOTTOM DEODORANT
Needing Deodorant...
A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the
assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little
bemused, explains to the
woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never
have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter
that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well
that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She
smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment
please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you
miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the
blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a
normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Added: Saturday 5th April 2008 06:00:03
BELLY BUTTON
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Her boyfriend was also blonde.
Added: Friday 4th April 2008 06:00:02
ACCIDENTS NEAR HOME
What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home?
He moved ten miles away.
Added: Thursday 3rd April 2008 06:00:02
BLONDE SELLING CAR
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Added: Wednesday 2nd April 2008 00:00:02
MESSAGE TO MOM
A blonde goes into a world-wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"
With that, the man says "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her to enter and shut the door. The blonde complies.
He then says "Get on your knees" and she does that as well.
He then says "Unzip my fly" and she does.
He then says "Go ahead and take it out."
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..
She says "HELLO, MOM?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis, Tantilazing, yisman and Glaci
Added: Tuesday 1st April 2008 06:00:02
HURRY
What do u say to a blonde when your in a hurry
A.I'll take it to go
Added: Sunday 30th March 2008 12:00:02
ONE EYE
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"
Added: Sunday 30th March 2008 06:00:03
POOR VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 30th March 2008 00:00:03
PREGNANT BLONDE
Three pregnant women were waiting for appointments in a
OB/GYN office. One was a blonde and two were brunettes.
The first brunette saw the doctor and when she came out told
the other two women the doctor told her she was going to have
a baby boy because she and her husband had had sex when she
was on top.
The second saw the doctor and when she came out said the
doctor told her she would have a baby girl because she was on
the bottom when she and her husband had sex.
After listening to the two brunettes and how the doctor
determined the sex of their babies, the blonde who was
seemingly confused and obviously upset thought she and her
husband were going to have a litter of puppies.
Added: Friday 28th March 2008 12:00:02
INFLATABLE
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 26th March 2008 06:00:02
WHY DID THE DEAF BLO
Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.
Added: Tuesday 25th March 2008 12:00:07
WHY SO STUPID?
Who Says a "Blonde" is Stupid?
When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", she turned around and went home.
She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.
She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, "Cherry or Grape?"
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, "Free Lays!".
She tried to drown her goldfish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Under "Education" on her job application, she puts "Hooked on Phonics."
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of application forms where it says "Sign Here", she puts "Sagittarius".
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She stands up on an empty bus.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese".
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.
She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.
Added: Tuesday 25th March 2008 06:00:02
BLONDES & COMPUTERS
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Added: Saturday 22nd March 2008 12:00:03
LAWNMOWER
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Added: Friday 21st March 2008 06:00:02
SHAMPOO
How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 12th March 2008 00:00:04
HOW MANY SHEEP DO I HAVE?
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
Added: Tuesday 11th March 2008 00:00:02
LADIES ROOM
why do blonds get confused in the ladies room????
cos they have to pull ther own trousers down!!!
Added: Monday 10th March 2008 00:00:02
WHY DO BLONDES HAVE
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends
Added: Sunday 9th March 2008 06:00:02
BLONDE NURSERY RHYME
Q. What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme, Dumpme
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 2nd March 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE'S HOUSE ON FIRE
One day a blonde woman noticed her house was on fire. In a
panic she called the Fire Department.
When the fireman answered, she yelled, "Help! Help! My house
is on fire!"
"OK, Ma'am just tell us, how do we get to your house?"
The blonde replied "Duhhh!!! The big red truck."
Added: Saturday 1st March 2008 18:00:02
SHE WAS SO BLONDE TH
- she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tried to drown a fish
- she tripped over a cordless phone
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
- she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"... she put "Sagittarius"
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test - and failed
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Added: Saturday 1st March 2008 12:00:02
THE $50 BET
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Added: Friday 29th February 2008 12:00:03
SHOULDER PADS
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Added: Friday 29th February 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE LOOKING FOR A DATE
Did you hear about the blonde who didn't have a date in 6
months. Well she thought she was finally going to be
lucky...she signed up for the High School broad-jumping
contest.
Added: Thursday 28th February 2008 06:00:02
WHAT DO BLONDS AND S
The harder you bang them the looser they get
Added: Thursday 28th February 2008 00:00:02
BLONDE'S VIBRATOR
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using a vibrator?
A: She has a chipped tooth.
Added: Wednesday 27th February 2008 06:00:01
BLONDE QUICKIES 8
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Added: Tuesday 26th February 2008 12:00:01
DEAD OR ALIVE
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
Added: Monday 25th February 2008 12:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Added: Friday 22nd February 2008 12:00:02
TALKING DURING SEX
A young married woman (Blonde) was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?"
She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."
Added: Wednesday 20th February 2008 18:00:01
BLOW IN HER EAR
What do you call it when a blonde guy blows in a blonde girl's ear?
A data transfer.
Added: Tuesday 19th February 2008 06:00:02
BLONDE MEDICAL TERMS
Acute: Opposite of an ugly.
Adenoid: Domino's Pizza character.
Advil: Used to hammer things on.
AIDS: Helpers or Assistants. Anally Occurring yearly.
Aphrodisiac: An African disc jockey.
Artery: Study of fine paintings.
Aspirin: Having great ambitions.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
Benign: What you are after you be eight.
Blood: A type of Gang.
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U.
Bruise: A six-pack.
Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.
Capsule: A space ship.
Catheter: String instruments.
Cat Scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Clitoris: A type of flower.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Condom: Apartment complex.
Congenital: Friendly.
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa pillow.
Constipation: An important U.S. document.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Diaphragm: A drawing in geometry.
Diarrhea: Journal of daily events.
Dilate: To live long.
Dildo: Variety of sweet pickle.
Douche: Italian word for "12."
Enema: Not a friend.
Erection: When the Japanese vote.
Femur: Not a Male.
Fester: Quicker.
Fibula: Small lie.
Fracture: A number less than one.
Genital: Non-Jewish.
G.I. Series: Baseball series for soldiers.
Grippe: Suit case.
Hair: Rodent with long ears.
Hangnail: Coat hook.
Heart: Bow & Arrow target.
High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday.
Hospital: An unknown person ejecting saliva.
Immune: Congressional perk.
Impotent: Distinguished; well known.
Infection: Russians coming to the U.S.
Intense pain: Torture in a teepee.
Intestines: Beta version of forks.
Jaundice: To include in a group.
Jaw: A shark without as much teeth.
Joint: A location or place.
Kinesthetics: A relationship towards relatives.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Laceration: Dainty material allotment.
Leper: A wild cat.
Lesbian: Person from the Middle East.
Lesion: A unit of Roman Army.
Loin: Not fat.
Lymph: A special Fairy.
Lymph Node: Where special Fairy lives.
Major Operation: A job for the Major.
Malaria: Several shopping Stores.
Mammogram: A telegram to Mom.
Manic Depressive: A man pressed down to the floor.
Medical Staff: Doctor's cane.
Medicare: A partial care.
Meningitis: Getting a Man.
Menstrual cycle: Bloody vehicle for men.
Menstruation: Male Model display.
Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.
Migraine: Not your wheat.
Minor Operation: Coal digging.
Miscarriage: Firing a Rifle and missing a target.
Morbid: Higher offer.
Mucus: Not quite in focus.
Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Organic: Musical.
Orgasm: Person who accompanies the church choir.
Outpatient: Person who has fainted.
Ovaries: French egg dish made with cheese.
Papsmear: Fatherhood
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Testicles: Sucking sacks found on an octopus.
Tibia: Country in North Africa.
Tumor: More than one.
Ultrasound: A loud noise.
Umbilical Cord: Part of a parachute.
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out."
Vagina: Heart trouble.
Varicose: Near by.
Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other.
Vein: Conceited.
Weak: Seven days.
Zit: Dog Command.
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 17th February 2008 12:00:03
STAND IN THE CORNER
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How does she confuse you back?
She comes out and says she did.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Saturday 16th February 2008 12:00:02
BOWLING BALL AND BLONDE
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Added: Friday 15th February 2008 18:00:02
BAD POP ROCKS
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before.
Cassie bought each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Added: Friday 15th February 2008 12:00:02
BLONDE PANEL BEATER
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.
She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.
She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out"
She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.
"Why not"? asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"
Added: Tuesday 12th February 2008 18:00:02
17 DAYS
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
Added: Monday 11th February 2008 06:00:02
A BLOW JOB REVENGE
A Blonde walks into a bar with her boyfriend. She asks the
bartender for some Bailey's Irish Creme and a shot of lime
juice. She tells her boyfriend, swish the Bailey's around in
your mouth, but dont swallow it.
The guy does as she says and is pretty happy.
Then the blonde gives him the lime juice and says pour it
in, swish it around, let it sit for a minute and then
swallow.
As soon as the lime juice hits the baily's, the cream
curdles and becomes a very disgusting mess.
After he finally swallows, he turns to the blonde and asks,
"What was that?"
The blonde replies with a sly smile, "A Blow Job Revenge".
Added: Sunday 10th February 2008 12:00:03
SHATTERING
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
Because they keep breaking them with the hammer.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 7th February 2008 06:00:02
IRONING ACCIDENT
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 6th February 2008 12:00:04
CLIFF SIDE ACCIDENT
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.
Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.
After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.
They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.
Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.
She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 6th February 2008 06:00:02
EARRINGS
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to
have some place to rest their ankles.
Added: Sunday 3rd February 2008 00:00:01
BRUISED BELLY BUTTON
Q: Why was the blonde's belly-button bruised?
A: Because blonde men aren't that smart either!
Added: Wednesday 30th January 2008 06:00:02
WHINE
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 29th January 2008 00:00:02
BACK SEAT
A blonde and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?"
she asked.
"No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Added: Monday 28th January 2008 12:00:02
IN COMMON
What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
They get laid all over America.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 27th January 2008 06:00:02
21, 21, 21...
There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,"What are you doing?"
The brunette replies,"Just counting."
The blonde says,"May I join you?"
"Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."
Added: Saturday 26th January 2008 18:00:02
THE BLONDE POLICE OF
Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?"
The blonde says, "He only has one eye!".
The man says "No, no, it's a side view."
Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?"
. The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!".
The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!".
So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?"
. The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!"
The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!
The man says, "How did you know that?"
. The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"
.
Added: Saturday 26th January 2008 00:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE S
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Added: Wednesday 23rd January 2008 12:00:02
ASTRO GIRL
Nasa is looking for a new way to boost it's ratings. So they decide to send an ordinary woman into space. They place an add and are soon faced with three interviews. The first is a lovely looking woman with neat brown hair. They have only one question to ask which is: "If you could go to any planet, where would you go?"
After a moment of thought the woman replies;"I would go to Mars."
"And why would you like to go there?"
"I find it very interesting and would like to see if there really is life there."
The Nasa men are most impressed with this and promise to call her back and let her know their results.
The next woman is a redhead with a very nice suit on. They ask her the same question to which she replies; "I would like to go to Saturn, so that I could see for myself what the rings look like."
The Nasa guys are happy with this answer and promise to call her back.
The next is a blonde woman wearing a very short skirt and VERY revealing top. They ask her the same question and she gives it a lot of thought and replies; "I would like to go to the sun."
"But don't you know you would burn to death if you went to the sun?"
"Oh don't be silly, I'd go at night."
Added: Friday 18th January 2008 18:00:02
DEAD OR ALIVE
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
Added: Friday 18th January 2008 12:00:02
CAREER ADVICE
A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I
tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer
and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,
go ahead. I'll give it a try!"
Added: Friday 18th January 2008 06:00:02
DAWN
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Wednesday 16th January 2008 12:00:02
VROOM-SCREECH
What goes 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech'? A blonde at a flashing red light.
Added: Wednesday 16th January 2008 00:00:01
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WHO EATS A STRAWBERRY?
Q: What do you call a blonde who eats a strawberry?
A: A strawberry blonde.
Added: Tuesday 15th January 2008 00:00:02
THE CHAIR
A professor invented a lie detecting chair.
Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I’ve ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair.
The professor asked her to tell something of her life.
She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.
Added: Monday 14th January 2008 06:00:02
DONATION
A blond walks into a Sperm Donor Center and says "Mmm mm mmm
mmm mm". The nurse asks her to repeat herself. "Mmm mm mmm
mmm mm"! Again, the nurse asks her to repeat herself. The
blond spits out what she has in her mouth, "I want to make a
donation!"
Added: Monday 14th January 2008 00:00:04
BLONDE QUICKIES 14
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Added: Saturday 12th January 2008 00:00:03
WHERE'S THE CALO
Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde.
"I wonder which glass has the calorie?"
Added: Thursday 10th January 2008 06:00:02
TGIF
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he
entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and
she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F." He
smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,
puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her
remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was
trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally
decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered,
"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
Added: Wednesday 9th January 2008 00:00:02
KNOCK, KNOCK
Why can't you tell blondes, knock-knock jokes?
Because they keep walking off to answer the door.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman and Calmjo
Added: Saturday 5th January 2008 00:00:02
BOAT TROUBLES
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
Added: Thursday 3rd January 2008 18:00:02
AMUSING A BLONDE
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write
'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Added: Thursday 3rd January 2008 00:00:02
GRENADE
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A:
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Added: Monday 31st December 2007 06:00:02
IN PAIN
A blonde goes to the doctor and he asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "I hurt all over." So he says, "What do you mean, all over?" So the blond takes her finger and pokes her knee. "Ow, that hurt." Then she pokes her cheek. "Ow, that hurt." Then she touches her earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurt!" So the doctor asks, "Is blond your natural hair color?" The blond says, "Yes." The doctor says, "You have a broken finger."
Added: Monday 31st December 2007 00:00:01
HOMECOMING PARADE
Why do they give blondes one more brain cell than horses?
So they know not to poop in the Homecoming Parade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 29th December 2007 18:00:01
A BLONDE MALE
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece."
"I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 28th December 2007 18:00:01
HIDE AND SEEK
A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said."What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
Added: Wednesday 26th December 2007 12:00:01
BLONDE BURGLER
Q: Did you hear about the blonde bank robber?
A: She ran in, shot the safe and blew the guard.
Added: Tuesday 25th December 2007 00:00:02
EATING BANANAS
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A1: They can't
find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.
Added: Monday 24th December 2007 12:00:03
BLONDES ON WALLS
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall??
To see what was on the other side
Added: Friday 21st December 2007 18:00:02
AN OTHER BLONDE JOKE
An other blonde joke. A blonde, wanting to
earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman type person and started canvassing
a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front
door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can
paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The
blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed
and told her that the paint and other materials
that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing
on it." A short time later the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished
already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket
for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
Added: Friday 21st December 2007 00:00:02
WATERSKIING
Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Added: Monday 17th December 2007 06:00:03
GUESS WHO KNOWS THE STATE CAPITALS?
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
Added: Monday 10th December 2007 18:00:02
HALF A BRAIN?
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A:
After a dye job.
Added: Friday 7th December 2007 06:00:02
YOU HAVE MAIL
A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it
was time for the
mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked
if she was
waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have
mail."
Added: Thursday 6th December 2007 18:00:02
TRICYCLE
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
Added: Tuesday 4th December 2007 00:00:02
I WANT TO BUY THAT
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Added: Monday 3rd December 2007 00:00:02
HOW TO KILL A DOMB BLONDE
scatch and a sniff at the bodom of the pool.
Added: Sunday 2nd December 2007 18:00:02
ALLIGATOR HUNTING
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set
on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he
spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Added: Saturday 1st December 2007 18:00:02
BOB FOR APPLES
Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.
Added: Friday 30th November 2007 18:00:02
THE TEARFUL BRIDE...
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
Added: Thursday 29th November 2007 12:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE K
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Added: Thursday 29th November 2007 06:00:02
SKOOL FOR BLONDES
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 27th November 2007 12:00:02
TWINS
Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that
he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.
Added: Sunday 25th November 2007 06:00:02
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Added: Thursday 22nd November 2007 12:00:02
JUST PLAIN DUMB
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"
The redhead says, yes it is. The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky". The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."
The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?
Added: Tuesday 20th November 2007 12:00:02
BUILDING CONTRACTOR
A women hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The women walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the ffirst room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream
color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out the window, "Green side up!"
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.
The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rosecolor.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled,"Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blonde women laying sod across the street."
Added: Thursday 15th November 2007 18:00:01
HOW TO KILL A BLONDE
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 15th November 2007 12:00:01
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Added: Wednesday 14th November 2007 18:00:03
VENTRILOQUIST
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, arse hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
'You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.'
Added: Wednesday 14th November 2007 00:00:02
FLIGHT TO NEW YORK
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first
class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in
for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated
around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon
approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see
that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first
class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde
replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New
York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the
attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The
senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely,
'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll
have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm
blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a
model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated,
the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll
deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to
the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first
class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain
leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost
immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and
moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the
senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm
impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain
grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class
cabin doesn't go to New York.'
Added: Tuesday 13th November 2007 12:00:01
BLONDE - POOL
Q: What do you call a blonde in a swimming pool? A: An
air bubble
Added: Monday 12th November 2007 12:00:02
NURSERY RHYME
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me!
Added: Monday 12th November 2007 00:00:03
BLONDE BAR
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Sunday 11th November 2007 00:00:02
HOW DO YOU STOP A BLONDE TANK DRIVER?
Q: How do you stop a blonde tank driver?
A: Shoot the person pushing the tank.
Added: Thursday 8th November 2007 06:00:02
WORK IN THE DARK
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 5th November 2007 18:00:02
TWO BLONDES AND A MUSTANG
There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.
The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the
car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest
for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting
to rain and the top's down!"
Added: Monday 5th November 2007 12:00:03
BLOND - POOL
Q: How do you kill a blond in a swimming pool? A: Put a
scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom
Added: Tuesday 30th October 2007 06:00:03
COMPUTER FREEZES
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave!
Added: Saturday 27th October 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE OWL
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
Added: Monday 22nd October 2007 00:00:02
HOW MANY?
How many blonde jokes are there?
Only two or three, the others are real stories.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 21st October 2007 06:00:03
BLONDE CHICKEN FARME
It was autumn, and time for the blonde chicken farmer to go over his books. To his puzzlement,he found that his flock of Rhode Island Reds was twice as profitable, in terms of the eggs they produced, as was his flock of White Leghorns.
"Look at this," he said to his wife.
"I've gone over the numbers again and again, and there's no doubt about it: the Reds are laying twice as many eggs, and bringing in twice the money of the Whites. I just don't understand it."
"I'll tell you something else," said his equally blonde wife, running a finger over the figures in her husband's spreadsheet.
"It looks like the Reds are eating twice as much as the Whites too. Maybe that's why they're producing twice as many eggs."
"By golly, you're right," said the farmer. Stymied, he went to bed that night, making a mental note to call an expert the next day.
He spent the following morning on the phone, calling the best poultry experts all over the country, but none could offer a satisfactory explanation as to why a flock of Rhode Island Reds would eat twice as much or produce twice as many eggs as a flock of White Leghorns.
On the verge of giving up, the farmer realized he had wasted a whole morning on the phone, when he should have been out tending his chickens. He hurried out to the huge hen house, where he ran into Jeb, the young farmhand.
"Get up late this morning?"
asked Jeb.
The farmer explained, as he had at least twenty times already that day, about the mystery of the chickens, and how he had sought expert advice, to no avail.
Jeb listened, and when the farmer was done talking, said, "Boss, I think I can tell you why the Reds are eating twice as much and laying twice as many eggs as the Whites."
The blonde farmer smirked.
"Oh, really, Jeb? And why would that be?"
"Well, Boss," said Jeb, "you own twice as many Reds."
Added: Friday 19th October 2007 18:00:02
FLAKES
What do you call three blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th October 2007 00:00:02
ICE HOLE
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing.
Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Added: Wednesday 17th October 2007 06:00:02
911
The authorities in America conducted a survey to ascertain why they did not receive many emergency calls from blondes. After exhasted studies the answer is "They can find the nine but cannot find the eleven"
Added: Monday 15th October 2007 18:00:01
HELPING A BLOND LOSE WEIGHT
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Added: Saturday 13th October 2007 12:00:03
SLOT MACHINE WINNER
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
Added: Wednesday 10th October 2007 18:00:08
UNDERWEAR
Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
Added: Thursday 4th October 2007 06:00:03
HIGHWAY 119
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
Added: Wednesday 3rd October 2007 18:00:07
SAFE SEX FOR BLONDES
Q: What is a blonde's version of safe sex?
A: Locking the car doors.
Added: Tuesday 2nd October 2007 00:00:02
LOST IN DESERT
A blonde, burnette, and redhead were driving to the desert. When their car died, the burnette said,"I brought food so we will not die of hunger."
The redhead said,"I brought water so we won't die of thirst."
The blonde said,"I brought the car, so if we get hot we can roll down the windows!"
Added: Monday 1st October 2007 12:00:02
SEEDS
What did the blonde say when she looked in a Cheerios box?
"Ohhh look, donut seeds!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 30th September 2007 06:00:02
HOW TO HUG
Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?
Added: Saturday 29th September 2007 18:00:02
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: They leave M&M shells on the kitchen floor.
Added: Tuesday 25th September 2007 06:00:02
HOURSE RIDER
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.
She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
Editted by Curtis
Added: Monday 24th September 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE AND THE WESTERN
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on.
The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead.
The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too.
But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
Added: Saturday 22nd September 2007 06:00:02
THE BLONDE AND THE B
there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"
she looked confused and said "where we going?"
Added: Thursday 20th September 2007 18:00:03
HOW DOES A BLONDE LIKE HER EGGS IN THE MORNING
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Fertilized.
Added: Thursday 20th September 2007 06:00:02
DRIVING TO DISNEYLAND
A blonde was driving to Disneyland. She got off the freeway
and saw a sign that said ~Disneyland Left~, so she turned
around and went home.
Added: Monday 17th September 2007 12:00:02
YOU'RE SINGLE
Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.
Becky, "a blonde", is out for her morning constitutional, spies Abe, and says "Do you mind?"
"Not at all." Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite end of his bench.
"So, you're new here." says Becky.
"Yes" Abe nods.
"So, where are you from?" asks Becky.
"Washington" Abe answers.
"The state or the capitol?" asks Becky.
"The state." replies Abe.
"So how old are you? asks Becky.
"I'll be 52 in October.". Abe replies.
"What did you do in Washington?" asks Becky.
"I was in prison." Abe says.
"Really!" says Becky, "what did you do?"
"My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal." he says.
"Sooo," purrs Becky, "you're single?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤ and dolly04
Added: Sunday 16th September 2007 12:00:03
LIPSTICK
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because
red means stop.
Added: Saturday 15th September 2007 06:00:02
GROUP OF BLONDES ROLLERSKATING
Q: What do you call a group of blondes on rollerskates?
A: A mobile sperm bank
Added: Thursday 13th September 2007 06:00:02
THE PILL
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.
Added: Wednesday 12th September 2007 12:00:03
BUILDING A HOUSE UNDERWATER
Q: What's dumber than two brunettes trying to build a house
under water?
A: Two blondes trying to burn it down!
Added: Sunday 9th September 2007 12:00:02
CONDOM TAXES
A blonde walked into a drug store and asked how much a
condom cost.
The man behind the counter said that they were on special
this week, only $.99!
Not wanting to pass up a deal, the blonde said she would
take one.
The clerk rang it up and said, "Ok, that will be $1.04."
The blonde said, "I thought you said only 99 cents?"
Then the clerk replied, "There's the tax."
The blonde replied, "Oh! So THAT'S what holds them on!"
Added: Saturday 8th September 2007 06:00:02
WHERE ARE WE?
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
Added: Thursday 6th September 2007 18:00:02
GOOD WEEKEND
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Thursday 6th September 2007 12:00:01
TURN BACK YOUR CAR ODOMETER
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
Added: Thursday 6th September 2007 06:00:02
TIME OFF
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them
upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark."
Added: Monday 3rd September 2007 12:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE C
Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen!
Added: Monday 3rd September 2007 06:00:01
WISHING MIRROR
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead find a magic mirror that
says, "I will grant you one wish, but if you lie, you will be
sucked up into the mirror forever!"
The brunette says, I think I’d like a Porsche," and the mirror
gives her a Porsche.
The redhead says, "I think I’d like a million dollars," and the
mirror gives her a million dollars.
The blonde says, I think--" and gets sucked up into the mirror.
Added: Sunday 2nd September 2007 12:00:02
MILK DRINKER
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
Added: Saturday 1st September 2007 18:00:04
LIGHT BULB 5
How does a blonde change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Added: Saturday 1st September 2007 06:00:02
A BOTTLE OF RUM
Q: What do you call three hookers and a drunk blonde
standing in a row?
A: Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.
Added: Wednesday 29th August 2007 18:00:02
COLD MEDICINE
Mary and Liz (a blonde) were talkin in the office one day.
Mary: "Wow, that is some cold you have Liz."
Liz: "Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it."
Mary: "Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just
take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you'll be fine.
Here ya go."
Liz: "Thanks, I'll give it a try."
Next Day
Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her
arms in the air and kicking her legs out.
Mary: "Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is
that a new dance?"
Liz: "Oh No. I still don't feel that great. I took the
medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well
before using."
Added: Wednesday 29th August 2007 06:00:01
BLONDE GETTING A HAIRCUT
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
Added: Tuesday 28th August 2007 12:00:03
RIGHT BOX
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 27th August 2007 06:00:02
COFFEE MAKER
The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
Added: Sunday 26th August 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE LICENSE
Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?
Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.
Added: Thursday 23rd August 2007 00:00:03
JAPANESE IQ
Q: Why, on average, is the IQ so high in Japan?
A: Have you ever seen a Japanese blonde?
Added: Wednesday 22nd August 2007 18:00:02
COME TO ME
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up
to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon
sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice,
don't you
think, Tracy?"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a
moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again
saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell
like come to you?"
Added: Tuesday 21st August 2007 18:00:03
BLONDES HAVE MORE FU
Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
Added: Tuesday 21st August 2007 12:00:01
STATE CAPITALS
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy - 'W'."
Added: Sunday 19th August 2007 18:00:01
PEDESTRIANS AND CATHOLICS
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
Added: Tuesday 14th August 2007 18:00:02
BLONDE ON FLIGHT
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
Added: Monday 13th August 2007 18:00:02
WHY YOU SHOULDN'
A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself "what a deal" since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, "this is too good to be true!" and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn't even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird.
"what did you do to my firebird!" shrieked the man.
"....Firebird?"
questioned the blonde.
"...and all this time I thought it was the porsche"
Added: Sunday 12th August 2007 12:00:01
BMW
Why do blondes like BMW's? Cause they can spell it!
Added: Sunday 12th August 2007 06:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Added: Wednesday 8th August 2007 06:00:01
BRIGHT EYES
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a
flashlight in their ear.
Added: Sunday 5th August 2007 18:00:02
2 BLONDS
two blonds walk into a bar .... well you would have thought one of them had notised it!!!!!
Added: Friday 3rd August 2007 18:00:02
PENNY FOR THEM
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 3rd August 2007 12:00:02
DO NOT DISTURB!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 3rd August 2007 00:00:01
HALF A BRAIN
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A:
Gifted.
Added: Tuesday 31st July 2007 06:00:01
WHY DON'T BLONDES USE VIBRATORS?
Q: Why don't blondes like to use vibrators?
A: Because they keep chipping their teeth.
Added: Monday 30th July 2007 00:00:02
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blonde in the closet? The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Added: Friday 27th July 2007 12:00:02
MAGIC TRICK
A fellow was siting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in and sat next to him.
After starting talking and a few drinks together, the fellow says to her: " How about playing the Magician Game ?"
"And what would that be ?"
"We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you......disappear".
Added: Friday 27th July 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE AND PIZZA
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
She responded, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Added: Thursday 26th July 2007 06:00:03
FIELD OF DREAMS
A blonde lady was driving down the road injoying the sceenery and the breeze in her hair when she saw another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field of wheat, rowwing. Hitting hard on the brakes, she spun the car aound and drove back to the woman in the boat. Slamming her car door she stomps over to the edge of the wheat field and yelled "It is stupid people like you that give blondes a bad name! And if I could swim, I would come out there and give you what for!"
Added: Wednesday 25th July 2007 18:00:02
ICE CREAM
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is
sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Added: Tuesday 24th July 2007 18:00:02
SOOOOO BLONDE
She was so blonde...
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test... and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
Added: Tuesday 24th July 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE IN HAYFIELD
A Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another
blonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped
the car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, and
yelled, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes a
bad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there and
kick your ass!"
Added: Monday 23rd July 2007 12:00:02
IT HURTS!
The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a
complaint of pains all over her body.
"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing
to some of the places that hurt.
The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said,
"Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then
to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.
The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before
your hair grayed"?
"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"
The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."
Added: Saturday 21st July 2007 18:00:02
EATING PICKLES
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't
get their head in the jar.
Added: Saturday 21st July 2007 06:00:01
INNUENDO
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Added: Wednesday 18th July 2007 00:00:01
ARCHERY
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.
Added: Sunday 15th July 2007 06:00:01
PHONE TROUBLE
Question:
Why cant a blonde dial 911?
Answer:
She can't find the eleven!
Added: Friday 13th July 2007 12:00:02
GRENADE 2
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Added: Wednesday 11th July 2007 00:00:02
VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 9th July 2007 12:00:01
PASTEURISED?
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk."
He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.
"Is this a mistake?"
the milkman asked.
"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin."
"Really?"
replied the milkman.
"Do you want it pasteurised?"
"No, up to my tits would be fine," she said
Added: Sunday 8th July 2007 00:00:02
OPEN YOGURT IMMEDIATELY
Q: Why do blondes open yogurt in the store?
A: Because the label says: "Open here".
Added: Friday 6th July 2007 12:00:01
BLONDE SHOOTS HERSELF
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"And then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Added: Thursday 5th July 2007 18:00:01
BLONDES ON FRIDAY
Guy stands in elevator, door opens and a blonde lady gets on.
"T.G.I.F."
she says to the man.
"S.H.I.T."
he says right back.
"Look, I am not tying to be ugly, I just wanted to say 'Thank God its Friday' she says. He looks at her and says" I am not trying to be rude either but ' Sorry, hon, it's Thursday!"
Added: Thursday 5th July 2007 12:00:02
GRENADE
What do you do if a blonde chucks a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 5th July 2007 06:00:01
ANOTHER DUMB BLONDE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Added: Wednesday 4th July 2007 18:00:02
YOUR BREAST IS LOOSE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Added: Wednesday 4th July 2007 12:00:02
COLD BLONDE
What do you call a blonde in a freezer?
Frosted flakes........
Added: Wednesday 4th July 2007 06:00:01
DEAD BIRD
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
Added: Monday 2nd July 2007 18:00:04
BLONDE'S BIG DATE
A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day.
As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis
the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be
having some difficulty walking.
The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or
something? You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got
curlers in my hair."
Added: Sunday 1st July 2007 18:00:04
HOW DOES A BLONDE LI
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized
Added: Sunday 1st July 2007 06:00:02
A FLAKY BLONDE
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
Added: Saturday 30th June 2007 00:00:02
WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE
Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Open 24 hours a day.
Added: Friday 29th June 2007 18:00:09
CAPITOL BUILDING
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions...
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"
Added: Friday 29th June 2007 06:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE T
Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!
Added: Friday 29th June 2007 00:00:01
BLONDE BOMB
A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with
a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course
of the conversation he says would you like to
hear a 'blonde' joke ?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde,
I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training
in judo for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My
flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall,
has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's
a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies'
Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde,
she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional
womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the
joke about a blonde ?"
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got
to explain it 3 times".
Added: Tuesday 26th June 2007 06:00:03
BLONDE LUMBERJACK
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.
"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?"
asked the foreman.
"6" she replied.
"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
"How many this time?"
asked the foreman.
"12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."
He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.
And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
Added: Monday 25th June 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE PAINT JOB
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Added: Sunday 24th June 2007 00:00:02
BLONDES AND DOGS
What are the 2 ways Blondes and dogs are the same?
They can both bleed for a week without dying and bury a bone without getting there nose dirty.
Added: Saturday 23rd June 2007 00:00:02
THE BLONDE PAINTER
A blonde went down to the job agency, looking for a job.
The hiring agent said, "I have the perfect job for you . . .
painting the lines down the middle of the road."
Reluctantly, the blonde took the position.
The blonde takes her paint pail and begins painting lines
down the road. The first day she paints five miles of
roadway and does very well.
The next day, however, she only paints three miles.
On her third day she paints just one mile of roadway.
On the fourth day, her boss asked her why her work was
deteriorating.
"I'm sorry sir," she replies, "but every day the paint pot
just keeps getting further and further away!"
Added: Friday 22nd June 2007 06:00:03
KEEPING FIT
An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice.
The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 21st June 2007 18:00:09
BLONDE PAINT
New paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde". There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"
Added: Monday 18th June 2007 18:00:01
MY COMPUTER
How do you know that a blonde was on your computer?
--when you see white-out on your monitor screen
Added: Monday 18th June 2007 00:00:03
BUXOM WAITRESS
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
"Debbie...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Added: Saturday 16th June 2007 12:00:02
FLIGHT NUMBER
A blonde asked the airport attendant, " How do I know which plane to get on?"
"Well, " She replied, "What flight number is yours?"
"837" she answered, " I have looked but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 15th June 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE'S LEGS
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A: Nothing. They have never met.
Added: Thursday 14th June 2007 06:00:02
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
Added: Wednesday 13th June 2007 18:00:08
MARRY A BLONDE
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
Added: Monday 11th June 2007 12:00:02
WHAT DOES THE BERMUD
What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Added: Sunday 10th June 2007 18:00:02
CONFUSION
Q: How do you confuse a blond for about an hour? A: Give
her a bag of m&m's and tell her to put them in alphabetical
order
Added: Sunday 10th June 2007 06:00:02
MOUTHFUL
Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 6th June 2007 18:00:02
BLONDE IN A LIGHTNING STORM
Q: Why did the blonde keep stopping then smile during a
lightning storm?
A: She thought she was getting her picture taken.
Added: Wednesday 6th June 2007 06:00:02
WHAT DOES A SCREEN D
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Added: Tuesday 5th June 2007 12:00:02
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handlebars.
Added: Saturday 2nd June 2007 12:00:02
BLONDE FIRING SQUAD
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde that were captured and ordered before the firing squad. The redhead was brought out, put on the stand and at the time when the squad leader yelled "Ready, aim..." she shouted "Tornado!" and pointed behind the firing squad. Everyone looked and she jumped down and ran away.
They brought out the brunette, put her up on the stand and when the squad leader yelled, "Ready, aim..." she pointed and yelled "Earthquake!". When everyone stopped to look around, she ran away.
Finally, the firing squad brought the blonde out and when the squad leader yelled "Ready, aim..." she pointed and yelled "Fire!"
Added: Friday 1st June 2007 00:00:03
ALLIGATOR SHOES
One day a blonde lady went to a local Florida Department Store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. As she was looking at a very nice pair of shoes she noticed the very expensive price. She didn't have enough to pay for the shoes, and she was outraged. She marched right up to the counter and told the clerk exactly what she thought of him.
She left very angrily, but on her way out she made a comment to the clerk and in that comment she said,"With prices like these I should just go out buy me a gun and kill my own alligators."
the clerk replied very sarcastically,"Good Luck!"
The clerk went on with his day not even thinking about the lady that came in early.
As he was locking up to go home at the end of the day something caught his eye. There in the swamp was the lady waist deep with a gun in her hand. At that moment something else caught his eye, off to the left about 25 yards away was an alligator swimming right towards her.
The man started jumping up and down screaming at her trying to get her attention. She turned seen the alligator took aim and shot.
She drug it to shore where there was about eight other alligators laying dead on their backs.
Then she flipped it over too and said,"damn this one is not wearing shoes either."
Added: Wednesday 30th May 2007 12:00:03
QUICK BLONDE JOKES
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom.
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL.
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?>
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it..
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends.
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Added: Sunday 27th May 2007 06:00:01
SPEEDING BLONDE
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder .
When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
Added: Saturday 26th May 2007 18:00:02
CHEATER
The blonde complained to her friend, "I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"
Added: Thursday 24th May 2007 00:00:01
BLONDE IN AN ELECTRO
A blonde walked into an electronics store and told the salesman, "I want that T.V."
and she points to the display.
He looks at her and tells her, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to sell that to blondes."
So the blonde, all ticked off, walks out of the store.
An hour later, she walks back into the same store with a black wig on. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V."
and she points to the display.
He looks at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I already told you we can't sell that to blondes."
So she walks out of the store mad again without a T.V.
A few weeks later she gets a makeover, new hair color and everything, and she walks back into that electronics store. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V."
and points to the display.
The salesman shakes his head and tells her, "I told you twice already, I can't sell that to blondes."
The blonde looks at him and says, "How do you know that I'm a blonde?"
He looks at her and states, "Because, that's a microwave."
Added: Wednesday 23rd May 2007 12:00:02
SUBMARINE
Q: Did you see the submarine (built by blondes) with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.
Added: Thursday 17th May 2007 12:00:02
HOW TO GET SOFT SKIN
A blonde reads that if you bathe in milk, it makes your skin beautiful.
So the next morning she leaves a note for the milkman, "Leave me 115 quarts of milk."
The next morning milkman reads this and thinks I better double check on this.
He rings the bell and here is this beautiful blond with great complexion and tiny waist, he asks her if this is right.
She replies, "Yes it's good to bathe in milk."
The milkman then asks her if she wants it pasteurized.
She answers, "Oh no, just past my neck would be fine!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Everybody
Added: Thursday 17th May 2007 06:00:02
2 BLONDES AND A MIRR
Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar," The second Blonde said, "let me look!" The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
Added: Wednesday 16th May 2007 06:00:02
THREE BLONDS ON DEATH ROW
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Added: Tuesday 15th May 2007 18:00:03
BLONDE CONVENTION
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention".
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Added: Friday 11th May 2007 18:00:02
TWO BLONDES IN THE W
Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, "Look at those bear tracks".
The second blonde says,"Those aren't bear tracks, those are deer tracks".
The first blonde says "No they're not, there bear tracks".
The second blonde argues back.
"No they're not, they're deer tracks."
Then, they both got hit by the train.
Added: Tuesday 8th May 2007 18:00:02
BLONDES WORKING ON A HOUSE
Two blondes were working on a house. The one
who was nailing down siding would reach into
his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out
of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw
it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and
yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the other side
of the house!"
Added: Monday 7th May 2007 18:00:02
DUMB!
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next
Added: Sunday 6th May 2007 12:00:03
BLONDE HIJACKER
Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed.
Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."
Added: Saturday 5th May 2007 06:00:04
TWINS
What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was.
Added: Saturday 5th May 2007 00:00:02
HOW TO KILL A DUMB BLONDE
Put a skrach and sniff at the bottom of the pool
Added: Friday 4th May 2007 18:00:03
COMFORTABLE
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch, where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.''
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.''
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, '' It's just 99 cents a word.'' Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.''' The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''
Added: Friday 4th May 2007 00:00:02
A BAD DAY
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!
Added: Tuesday 1st May 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE'S SURGERY
When the surgeon came to see his young blonde female patient
on the day after her operation, she was slightly
embarrassed.
The doctor asked. "What's wrong?"
"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long
will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
The doctor paused for a minute and appeared stunned. After
a few minutes, the doctor stated, "You're the first patient
to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
Added: Monday 30th April 2007 18:00:03
2 BLONDES AND A FIRE
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Added: Saturday 28th April 2007 00:00:03
NEW BULL
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slowly."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 26th April 2007 18:00:02
WHEAT FIELD
This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.
She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.
When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'
The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,
'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'
The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your arse.'
Added: Thursday 26th April 2007 12:00:04
BORN THAT WAY
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't.
They're born that way.
Added: Tuesday 24th April 2007 12:00:02
POOR DAD
A BLONDE WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH CRYING.I WALKED UP TO HER AND ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS? SHE REPLIED; MY DAD JUST DIED. IM SO SORRY I SAID ;YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER ? SHE SAID YES AND I LET HER USE MY CELL PHONE. SHE CALLED HER SISTER AND AS SHE TALKED SHE BEGAN TO WEEP EVEN MORE. I ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG NOW? SHE SAID MY SISTERS DAD DIED TOO.
Added: Sunday 22nd April 2007 18:00:03
BLIND POLICEMAN
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the
scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her
head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my
possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
Added: Friday 20th April 2007 06:00:03
DEATH IN THE FAMILY
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
"I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"
Added: Thursday 19th April 2007 18:00:04
KEEP A BLONDE BUSY
How do you keep a blonde busy?
(see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy?
(see above)
Added: Sunday 15th April 2007 12:00:03
WASH
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 12th April 2007 18:00:02
GOING TO JAMAICA
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Added: Wednesday 11th April 2007 12:00:05
CAR TROUBLE
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Added: Tuesday 10th April 2007 00:00:02
BROKEN FINGER
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger, she says, 'Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts and even my head hurts.'
The doctor asks, 'Were you ever a blonde?'
'Yes I was,' she replies. 'Why do you ask?'
The doctor answers, 'Because your finger is broken.'
Added: Monday 9th April 2007 18:00:02
HOW TO CONFUSE A BLONDE
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in
alphabetical order!
Added: Saturday 7th April 2007 06:00:02
BLONDES AND BRUNETTES
Q: What Do you call a Brunette standing between 2 Blondes?
A: An interpreter
Q: What do you call a Blonde standing between 2 Brunettes?
A: Mental Block
Added: Friday 6th April 2007 12:00:02
V.D. CHECK
Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table.
Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked.
"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."
Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing."
"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."
By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.
"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.
"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."
Added: Thursday 5th April 2007 18:00:01
SHOULDER PADS
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To keep from bruising their ears.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 5th April 2007 06:00:05
THE BLONDE NUN
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God
appreared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is
full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and
prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to
you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you
anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of
Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material
since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said
the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blonds
everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to
stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken
from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is
something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth
your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 12:21:42
THE BLONDE AND THE H
There once was a blonde who had two horses but she couldn't tell them apart,so she goes to her friend and says,"I have two horses and I just can't tell them apart."
The friend suggest that she cut off one's mane,so the blonde did, but the mane grew back. She goes to her friend and the friend suggest she cut off one of the horses' tail. The blonde did but the tail grew back too fast. So she finally says to her friend, "I've tried all of your suggestions but it just doesn't work."
The friend suggests one more thing that she measure them. The blonde went home, got a ruler measured them and went to her friend the next morning, and the blonde tells her friend,"Oh, thank you I can tell them apart!" "How?"
asked the friend, and the blonde tells her,"The black horse is taller than the white horse."
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 06:00:02
FIGHTING OVER 25C
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"
Added: Saturday 31st March 2007 12:00:02
DINNER
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
Added: Saturday 31st March 2007 06:00:02
DEFECTIVE NAILS
Two blondes were building a house.
One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out.
She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Thursday 29th March 2007 06:00:16
BARKING DOGS
An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood," she said.
"They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I'm going to prescribe some sleeping pills," said the doctor.
"A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," said the blonde.
"I'll try anything."
A few weeks later, the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doctor, it didn't work! I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head.
"Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"Maybe so," said the blonde, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one, it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!"
Added: Wednesday 28th March 2007 18:00:02
ON THE HOUSE
Question: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Answer: Tell her the drinks are on the house.
Added: Tuesday 27th March 2007 18:00:07
OUR STUPID APARTMENT
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Added: Tuesday 27th March 2007 09:42:34
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.
Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Added: Saturday 24th March 2007 18:00:02
BLONDES AT THE RIVER
A blonde, out for a walk, comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo hoo!" she shouts, "How can
I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river,
then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
Added: Saturday 24th March 2007 00:00:01
CLEAN BLONDE BLOWJOB
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Added: Friday 23rd March 2007 18:00:02
COKE MACHINE
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'
Added: Wednesday 21st March 2007 18:00:02
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Added: Tuesday 20th March 2007 12:00:02
BLONDE
Q: a blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: a blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "where did you get that?"
A: the pig says, "i won her in a raffle!"
Q: a blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: but why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: wishful thinking.
Q: did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: she missed the earth!
Q: did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: she tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
Q: did you hear about the blond with a masters degree in psychology?
A: she'll blow your mind, too.
Q: did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: they went to see "closed for the winter".
Q: did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: did you hear about the blonde doctor?
A: she shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.
Q: did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: she kept having affairs with men!
Q: did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck?
A: the spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: she tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: did you hear about the blonde who had an appendix operation?
A: well, now she is making money on the side.
Q: did you hear about the blonde who just bought an a.m. Radio?
A: it took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Q: did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror With her eyes closed?
A: she wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her Husband's car?
A: she burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: she believed him.
Q: did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: she screams her own name when she comes.
Q: did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: it's called maids - if the don't get one, they die.
Q: did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: they take off their makeup.
Q: did you hear about the new slogan for miss clairol's hair dye?
A: buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.
Q: did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: she missed.
Q: do you know why the blonde got fired from the m&m factory?
A: for throwing out the w's.
Q: how can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.
Q: how can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: by the chipped tooth.
Q: how can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: by the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: how can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: how can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: a bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the Bosses' faces.
Q: how can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: she has a checkbook.
Q: how can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: by the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: how can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: there is a stamp on it.
Q: how can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: she is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering What she did with her pencil.
Q: how did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: she fell out of the tree.
Q: how did the blonde burn her nose?
A: bobbing for french fries.
Q: how did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: the cow fell on her.
Q: how did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: she was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: how did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: she threw it off a cliff.
Q: how do blonde brain cells die?
A: alone.
Q: how do you brainwash a blonde?
A: give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: how do you change a blonde's mind?
A: blow in her ear, or
buy her another beer.
Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: you don't. They're born that way.
Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: ask her to alphabetize a bag of m&ms.
Q: how do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: flattered.
Q: how do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: how do you drown a blond?
A: put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: don't tell her to swallow.
A3: leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: how do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: come.
Q: how do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: tell her she's pregnant.
Added: Tuesday 20th March 2007 06:00:03
51 DAYS!!!
Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go
and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51
days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,
orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing.
Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a
cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle
of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he
walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster
puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What
on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone
thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On
the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it
in only 51 days!!!
Added: Tuesday 20th March 2007 00:00:02
THROWING THE PIN
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell, because she has a grenade in her mouth!!!
Added: Monday 19th March 2007 00:00:02
CONVERSATION
An office executive was interviewing a blonde for an assistant's position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 18th March 2007 18:00:04
HOW DO YOU DROWN A B
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Added: Friday 16th March 2007 06:00:03
WHAT DO BLONDES AND
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Their both empty from the neck up
Added: Friday 16th March 2007 00:00:01
MAKING COOKIES
Q: How many blonds does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies? A: 15, one to make the batter and 14 to peel the
M&M's.
Added: Thursday 15th March 2007 06:00:02
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLO
Seven Degrees Of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Added: Sunday 11th March 2007 06:00:01
M&M'S ARE TOO SM
Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all of the W's!
Added: Thursday 8th March 2007 18:00:02
NATCHITOCHES
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
Added: Thursday 8th March 2007 12:00:01
BLONDE GETS COFFEE
A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos so that the
counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."
Added: Tuesday 6th March 2007 12:00:03
MOM PASSED AWAY
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies....."
Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"
No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...
"If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......"
exclaims the blonde.
"I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
Added: Monday 5th March 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE FIRE!
A blondes apartment was on fire. She called 911.
Operator: 911 what is your emergency? Blonde: My apartment
is on fire! Operator: How do we get there? Blonde: Duhh...
big red truck!
Added: Sunday 4th March 2007 06:00:02
HOW TO DROWN A BLONDE
How do you drown a blonde????
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Added: Saturday 3rd March 2007 18:00:02
BLONDES FISHING
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding
fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden
comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and
says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well,if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't
fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and
we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough,
there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden,
"take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game
Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three
blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb
Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't
he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
Added: Wednesday 28th February 2007 06:00:01
LOST COMPACT
There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact. They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The first one opens it and says, "This person looks familiar" The second one says, "Let me see."
She looks at her friend and says, "Silly, that's me!"
Added: Tuesday 27th February 2007 12:00:03
TITANIC
What does a blode and the titanic have in common?
You wonder how many men went down
Added: Tuesday 27th February 2007 00:00:02
KNITTING
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "PULLOVER!".
The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "NO, IT'S A SCARF!".
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 26th February 2007 18:00:02
IS THIS JIMMY HOFFA
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Added: Monday 26th February 2007 06:00:02
FAVORITE RADIO STATION
Q: What is a blondes favorite radio station?
A: Scan
Added: Saturday 24th February 2007 00:00:02
BLONDE QUICKIES 13
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Added: Friday 23rd February 2007 06:00:02
DIET COKE
Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 21st February 2007 18:00:02
BLONDES WISH...
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.
They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie.
The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"
So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"
Added: Tuesday 20th February 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE ON THE ROOF?
How do you get a blonde on the roof?
You tell her drinks are on the house.............
Added: Sunday 18th February 2007 00:00:01
TGIF
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.
Added: Thursday 15th February 2007 06:00:02
HOW DO YOU GET A BLO
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Added: Wednesday 14th February 2007 18:00:02
WHAT DO BLONDS AND S
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Added: Wednesday 14th February 2007 12:00:01
BUYING A TV
A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman.
"I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."
She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store.
"I want to buy this television."
she says to the salesman, getting the same response: "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here."
She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman.
"Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems."
To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes."
Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"
Added: Wednesday 14th February 2007 00:00:01
BLONDE IN COLLEGE
The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"
Added: Sunday 11th February 2007 06:00:02
BLONDE - CLIFF
Q: A blonde and a burnette jump off a cliff, both at the
same time. Who hits first? A: The burnette, because the
blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Added: Sunday 11th February 2007 00:00:22
BLONDE QUICKIES 10
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Added: Friday 9th February 2007 12:00:02
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? She was soooo blonde... she asked for a
price check at the Dollar Store. she got locked in a grocery
store and starved to death. she sold the car for gas money.
she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought a
quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a
daycare center. she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. she
thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill. she told
me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". she
tried to alphabetize M&M's. she tried to drown a fish. she
wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign
here".
Added: Friday 9th February 2007 06:00:02
SAUNA
What do you call a Blonde in a sauna?
A hot air balloon.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 8th February 2007 06:00:01
COFFEE BREAKS
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Added: Wednesday 7th February 2007 12:00:02
OOPS BROKEN FINGER
Blondie went to a doctor complaining of body pains.
Blondie: "Oh doctor every where I touch it hurts, if I touch my arm it hurts, if I touch my face it hurts."
Doctor: "Let me take a look at you."
Doctor: "Blondie your finger is broken."
Blondie: "Oops"
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 4th February 2007 00:00:01
WHY DID THE BLONDE T
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Added: Thursday 1st February 2007 18:00:02
BACK SEAT
A guy took a blonde out on a date.
Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out.
After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"No!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"No!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.
"No!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
Added: Tuesday 30th January 2007 01:05:48
DROWNING IN A PICKUP
There were two brunettes in the front of a truck, and three blondes in the back.
They rolled off a cliff into the ocean. The brunettes survived, but the blondes died.
Why?
They couldn't get the tailgate open.
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Friday 26th January 2007 19:05:42
HOW TO CONFUSE A BLONDE
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Write "Flip Over" on both sides of a piece of cardboard
and give it to her.
Added: Friday 26th January 2007 07:05:40
BLONDES MAKING COOKIES
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a batch of
cookies?
A: 100 -- 1 to make the batter and 99 to peel the M&M's.
Added: Thursday 25th January 2007 19:05:44
THE THREE WOMEN
There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The brunet said "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, "Earthquake!!" Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The red head said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the red head yelled, "Tornando!!" Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The blonde said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, "FIRE!!"
Added: Tuesday 23rd January 2007 01:05:38
BOWLING TEAM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Added: Wednesday 17th January 2007 12:00:03
JAIL BREAK
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."
So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
Added: Wednesday 17th January 2007 06:00:02
ON THE HOUSE
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 15th January 2007 12:00:03
EATING JELL-O
What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Added: Sunday 14th January 2007 18:00:02
MARRY A BLONDE
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
Added: Tuesday 9th January 2007 06:00:02
ISLAND BLONDES
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Added: Thursday 4th January 2007 00:00:05
SWIMMING
there was a blonde, bernett and a red-head on a broken ship. it takes two miles to get to shore, so the bernett swims 1 mile and drowns the red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a shark then the blonde swam 1 mile got tired and swam back
Added: Wednesday 3rd January 2007 00:00:04
BLONDE DETECTIVES
A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm, the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 30th December 2006 06:00:02
BLIND MAN TELLING A BLONDE JOKE
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it nine times."
Added: Saturday 30th December 2006 00:00:03
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Added: Friday 29th December 2006 06:00:02
BLONDE PASSENGER
Q: Why is it always good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone!
Added: Thursday 28th December 2006 06:00:03
ROOSTER AND A BLONDE
What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde? A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo... A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...
Added: Monday 25th December 2006 00:00:04
CORNFLAKES
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Added: Saturday 23rd December 2006 12:00:02
BLONDE AND PSYCHIATRIST
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my
zip code keeps
changing."
Added: Thursday 21st December 2006 00:00:04
DUMB
A blonde was over at her dads house visiting. He suddenly has a heart attack. Everyone was saying call 911 ,call 911 finaly her dad died. But everyone asked her this 1 question , Why didnt you call 911? The blonde repied I dont know the number?!
Added: Wednesday 20th December 2006 18:00:02
DESERT ISLAND
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island."
Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island."
She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
Added: Tuesday 19th December 2006 18:00:02
VISIT TO WASHINGTON
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 18th December 2006 06:00:02
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A BLONDE HAS BEEN BY YOUR COMPUTER?
Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?
A: There is cheese by the mouse.
Added: Sunday 17th December 2006 12:00:02
TWO BLONDES IN HEAVEN
One blond says to another, "how did you die"?
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Added: Thursday 14th December 2006 18:00:02
THE PRIZE
A blonde is walking down the street with a guinea pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks, "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Added: Monday 11th December 2006 12:00:02
WHY DID THE BLONDE S
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Added: Sunday 10th December 2006 00:00:04
TOO MUCH SHAMPOO
Q: Why do blondes use so much shampoo? A: The
instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
Added: Saturday 9th December 2006 00:00:04
COP REPORT
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on.
After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes, says the blonde".
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, pauses, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
Added: Monday 4th December 2006 18:00:02
THE SMART BLONDE
A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a
long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that
they try to stump one another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5.
The same goes if you ask me something I don't know."
The blonde refused.
"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I
don't know an answer, I pay you $50."
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her
purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer.
Then it was her turn.
"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming
down?"
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.
"So, what is it?"
The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse
and gave a $5 bill to the lawyer.
Added: Monday 4th December 2006 06:00:02
OUR STUPID APARTMENTS ON FIRE!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Added: Sunday 3rd December 2006 06:00:02
BLONDE
How do you make a blonde a brunette? Turn her upside down
Added: Friday 1st December 2006 12:00:02
PROOFREADER
Q. Which job did the blonde do at the M&M factory?
A. Proof reader.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Monday 27th November 2006 12:00:02
BLONDE PAINTER
A blonde was determined to prove to her husband that all
blondes were not dumb, so she decided to paint the living
room.
Her husband came home and found her painting while wearing a
leather jacket with a ski jacket over it.
When he asked her why she was wearing the jackets, she said
the instructions said it was better with two coats.
Added: Sunday 26th November 2006 18:00:02
BLONDE AT THE HOSPTI
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her callf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
"Thats why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"
Added: Friday 24th November 2006 18:00:02
DANDRUFF
A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders".
The blonde said, "How do you give a man shoulders?"
Added: Thursday 23rd November 2006 12:00:02
THE BLONDE TEST TAKER
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Added: Wednesday 22nd November 2006 18:00:07
FISHING LICENSE
Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
Added: Monday 20th November 2006 00:00:04
HEAD AND SHOULDERS
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian
suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but
unfortunately they both notice he has
a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and
says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Added: Sunday 19th November 2006 18:00:02
HOW DO I GET ACROSS THAT RIVER?
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.
The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Added: Thursday 16th November 2006 12:00:04
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT T
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Added: Tuesday 14th November 2006 06:00:02
BLONDE ON A DIET
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.
Added: Saturday 11th November 2006 06:00:03
BLONDE OR COMPUTER?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer
once.
Added: Friday 10th November 2006 12:00:02
PAINTING JOB
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 9th November 2006 12:00:02
OUT OF PAPER!
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Added: Monday 6th November 2006 18:00:02
UNDER 18
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.
"Why so many?" asked the bartender.
"Can't you read the sign?" replied the blonde, "It says 'no one served under 18.'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 5th November 2006 18:00:02
BLONDE JOB
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
Added: Sunday 5th November 2006 00:00:04
LAYING TURF
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
Added: Saturday 4th November 2006 18:00:02
BLONDE PAINT
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 4th November 2006 00:00:04
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 1st November 2006 00:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
Added: Tuesday 31st October 2006 18:00:02
MISSING MY FRIENDS
There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead all stuck on an island for about 1 year.
Until one day the brunette finds a lamp and rubs it real hard and a genie comes out.
The genie says "Since there are three of you, I will grant you all one separate wish, three total."
First the brunette says, "I miss my boyfriend, I want to go see him and have wild sex!"
So she goes back to America and pops up in her boyfriend's room and have wild sex.
Next the red head says, "I miss my family, I want to go back to America!" So she is back in America.
Then the blonde starts crying and crying and crying.
Finally the genie says in a very loud voice, "WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"
Then the blonde says, "I miss my friends bring them back please!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 30th October 2006 18:00:02
COFFEE
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 30th October 2006 06:00:02
BMWS
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell
it.
Added: Monday 30th October 2006 00:00:04
11 BLONDES ON MOUNT
There were 12 people climbing Mount Everest. 11 were blondes, 1 a brunette. At one point, they had to use a rope. Half way up the rope (about 100 ft. high), the rope started tearing. They decided one person needed to jump off and sacrifice themself in order for them all to survive. The brunette gave a long, heart-warming speech of how she was going to sacrifice herself for the others. Everyone started crying. Once she was through, all the blondes clapped loudly.
Added: Saturday 28th October 2006 06:00:02
BEACHES AND BLONDES
What's the difference between the beach and a blonde?
The beach doesn't have as many crabs.
Added: Thursday 26th October 2006 18:00:02
BULB TROUBLE
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!
Added: Thursday 26th October 2006 12:00:02
GARBAGE BILL
Q: What happens when a blonde doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
Added: Tuesday 24th October 2006 18:00:02
UNMARRIED BLONDE
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
Divorcee'
Added: Saturday 21st October 2006 18:00:03
BLONDES ON A PLANE
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Added: Friday 20th October 2006 18:00:02
BLOW
Why was the blonde's steering wheel covered with lipstick?
She was trying to blow the horn.
Submitted by Curtis
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 17th October 2006 16:56:33
WARNING
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS.
THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
Signed,
The Blonde
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Sunday 15th October 2006 00:00:05
BLONDE QUICKIES 15
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Added: Friday 13th October 2006 00:00:04
LIPSTICK ON THE STREERING WHEEL
Q. Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?
A. She tried to blow the horn.
Added: Thursday 12th October 2006 00:00:04
BLONDE - TRACKS
Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some
tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The
second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one
said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?
They all got hit by a train!
Added: Monday 9th October 2006 12:00:02
BLONDE JOKES
Question:
How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
Answer:
There are M&M shells all over the floor.
Question:
What happens when a blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead?
Answer:
She sighs and says, "Here we go again!"
Question:
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husbands car?
Answer:
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
Question:
Why did the blonde quit his restroom attendant job?
Answer:
He couldn’t figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
Question:
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Answer:
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot!
Question:
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
Answer:
The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire?"
Question:
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator?
Answer:
She couldn't find the 10 key.
Question:
Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?
Answer:
So she could see time fly!
Question:
Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Answer:
It gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
Added: Thursday 5th October 2006 12:00:03
WHY ARE YOU YELLING THAT?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Added: Thursday 5th October 2006 00:00:02
FALLEN BRIDGE
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd October 2006 12:00:03
NEW TV
There was a blonde and she wanted to buy a TV and so she went to a store to buy a TV. She goes in the store and looks around and finds a TV she really likes.
She goes up to the man at the cash register and says "Hey can I buy this TV?"
The guy says "No, I don't sell any thing to blondes!"
Sad, she leaves the store but then as she is passing a salon she has a good idea ( for once) she thought "I am gonna dye my hair."
The next day she comes in the store with black hair she finds the TV and says "Hello. can I buy this TV?"
"No, I don't sell to blondes"
Well, this dyeing her hair a different color goes on and on at last she dyes she hair blue, comes in and says "Can I get a TV?"
"No, I don't sell to blondes." he said for the 6th time.
"But how do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because miss that isn't a TV, it is a microwave."
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 28th September 2006 18:00:02
THERMOS
A blonde woman walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny object on sale.
She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?'
The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.'
The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?'
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
So the blonde buys one. The next day she brings the thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, 'What is the shiny object?'
'It's a thermos.'
'What does it do?'
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?'
The blonde replies, 'Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.'
Added: Wednesday 27th September 2006 12:00:02
PARADE
What is 5 miles long and has an IQ of 40?
A blonde parade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 27th September 2006 00:00:05
WHY BLONDES SHOULD NOT TAKE THE BUS
A blonde wanted to go to the shopping mall, but she missed
the number 22 bus. Not wanting to lose time at the mall, she
decided to take the number 11 bus twice instead.
Added: Sunday 24th September 2006 12:00:02
BANK JOB
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Jan plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Benice, in great detail.
Jan drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Benice, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand that."
"Perfectly," said Benice.
Benice goes in the bank while Jan waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Jan is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Benice. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out, his pants and underwear around his ankles and firing his weapon.
As the girls are getting away, Jan says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Benice said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Jan. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 21st September 2006 18:00:02
BLONDE W/ ONE BRAIN CELL
Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A: Gifted
Added: Tuesday 19th September 2006 06:00:02
BANK ROBBERY
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"
The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.
The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?"
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Added: Monday 18th September 2006 12:00:03
IN THE FREEZER
What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.
Added: Sunday 17th September 2006 00:00:04
GLASS WALL
Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
So she could see what was on the other side!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 16th September 2006 00:00:04
BLONDE GOT GAME
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.
Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 14th September 2006 12:00:02
NAME THE STATE CAPITOL
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the
blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all
the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a
dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill
announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde
jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last
night and did something probably none of you could do ... I
memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What
is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
Added: Wednesday 13th September 2006 18:00:02
BLONDE SKY DIVERS
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Added: Tuesday 12th September 2006 12:00:02
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE
whats the difference between a blonde and a brick?
the brick doesn't follow you around 3 days after you lay it
Added: Monday 11th September 2006 18:00:02
SIX O'CLOCK NEWS
A brunet and a blonde walk into a bar to watch the six o'clock news.They look at the t.v. to see a clip of a woman threatning to throw herself off a bridge.The brunet turns to the blonde and says"I bet you twenty bucks she'll jump!"So the blonde says "You're on!"So they watch and eventually she jumps. So the blonde says"Okay her's your twenty bucks."
and the brunet says"I can't take it, i saw the news earlier that had the same story on" So the blonde says "Well yeah so did I but i didn't think she'd jump again"
Added: Monday 11th September 2006 06:00:02
EYES LIGHT UP
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Added: Sunday 10th September 2006 00:00:04
GOING HOME EARLY
Three women who work in the same office notice that their
female boss has started leaving work early every day. One
day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off
early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how
is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is eleated to be able to get in a quick workout
at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she
goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She
quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her
husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the
door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she
wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday
I almost got caught!"
Added: Wednesday 6th September 2006 12:00:02
BLONDE DOGS
Question: Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head?
Answer: From chasing parked cars!
Added: Tuesday 5th September 2006 12:00:02
COME HOME
What did the blonde's mum say to her before she went out on her date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 4th September 2006 12:00:02
BUZZZZZZ
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.
Added: Sunday 3rd September 2006 06:00:02
PICK UP JOINT
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night.
He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute blonde that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys.
So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky blonde.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 2nd September 2006 06:00:02
COUPLE OF STIFF ONES
A cop sees a car weaving so he pulls it over. He walks up and sees it's a blonde behind the wheel.
When he bends down, he smells booze on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car.
He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She says, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 1st September 2006 00:00:03
BLONDE DIES AT DRIVE-IN
Did you hear about the blonde who was found frozen to death
in her car last January in a drive-in in Minnesota? She went
to see 'Closed for the Winter'
Added: Wednesday 30th August 2006 18:00:02
CHEER OF THE BLONDES
What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Added: Wednesday 30th August 2006 06:00:07
BLONDE PHONE CALL
Yesterday, a blonde called me and asked for my phone number.
Added: Tuesday 29th August 2006 18:00:07
AFTER SEX...
After sex how does a blonde turn the light on?
Opens the car door
Added: Tuesday 29th August 2006 00:00:03
BLONDE PHONE COMPANY EMPLOYEES
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit
workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew
of five men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they
give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew
will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the
ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the
job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go
in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking
out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the
male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so
we get the job!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait
until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason
they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck
breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours
pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde
crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard,
as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss
incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS
ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put
the pole in halfway!"
Added: Sunday 27th August 2006 00:00:03
CRASH
How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Added: Thursday 24th August 2006 00:00:03
BLONDE DETECTIVE TRAINING
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes
the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"
. . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few
minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on
that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
Added: Monday 21st August 2006 12:00:02
DONUT SEEDS
A blonde girl was eating Cheerios cereal one morning, and
turned to her father and said, "Look Daddy . . . doughnut
seeds."
Added: Sunday 20th August 2006 18:00:03
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
Added: Sunday 20th August 2006 12:00:02
PARADE
Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 19th August 2006 18:00:02
BLOND, BRUNETTE AND GRAVITY
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a building, who
would reach the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde would have to ask for directions.
Added: Wednesday 16th August 2006 12:00:06
GUTTER BLONDE!
What does a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
They both can be fingered 3 times, thrown in the gutter, and still come back for more.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 14th August 2006 00:00:09
FLYING LOW!
A blonde and a brunette were walking through a park when the blonde said "Awww look at that poor dead bird!!!"
The blonde looked up and said "Where?"
!!!
Added: Sunday 13th August 2006 00:00:07
LESBIAN
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
Added: Friday 11th August 2006 06:00:03
GIRL TALK AFTER SEX
Brunette after sex "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"
Redhead after sex "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."
Blonde after sex "Next!"
Added: Tuesday 8th August 2006 12:00:02
PAINTING BLONDE
One day, a blonde wife, roughly 25, wanted to prove to her husband that not all blondes were dumb. So she decided she was going to paint the house while he was at work. When her husband got home,he noticed that she was digging through the closet,looking for something.
When he asked her what she was doing, she said,"the paint can said,for best results,to use two coats."
Added: Tuesday 8th August 2006 06:00:03
BLONDE ICE HOCKEY
What happened to the Blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
Added: Monday 7th August 2006 18:00:03
IQ OF 160
Question: What's blonde and has an IQ of 160?
Answer: Four blondes!
Added: Friday 4th August 2006 18:00:02
HAMMERING
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Added: Wednesday 2nd August 2006 00:00:04
LAUGH
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Added: Tuesday 1st August 2006 18:00:04
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Added: Sunday 30th July 2006 00:00:04
LET'S TAKE A TRIP TO DISNEY
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
Added: Friday 28th July 2006 00:00:02
BLONDES AT JOB TRIAL
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"
Added: Monday 24th July 2006 18:00:17
RAKING LEAVES
Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree.
Added: Sunday 23rd July 2006 12:00:26
A BLONDES DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 22nd July 2006 00:00:04
ALONE
How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
Added: Friday 21st July 2006 12:00:07
BLONDE WITH TOP DOWN
There were two blondes the just came out of the mall. As they walked through the parking lot, they remembered that they had left the keys in the car.
Realizing that they were locked out, the blondes got a hanger and tried to open the door. Hard at work, the first blonde stopped to catch her breath.
The other blonde got worried as she looked up a the sky and said, "We've got to hurry up and get in before it starts to rain. I don't want to get the seats wet because the top is down!"
Added: Friday 21st July 2006 00:00:03
VIDEO RENTAL
A blonde and her boyfriend rented a video for the evening.
Just before the movie started, a message appeared on the
screen saying, "This movie has been
altered to fit your television screen."
The blond asked, "How do they know what size television you
have?"
Added: Thursday 20th July 2006 19:23:25
BLOWJOB
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
Added: Wednesday 19th July 2006 17:48:53
BLONDE, BRUNETTE, REPEAT
What goes:
blonde
brunette
blonde
brunette
blonde
brunette
blonde
brunette
A blonde doing cart wheels!
Added: Monday 17th July 2006 11:49:46
SLEEPING PILLS
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
To avoid waking up the sleeping pills.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 16th July 2006 17:49:35
AT THE MALL
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworth’s manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Added: Saturday 15th July 2006 05:49:57
BLONDE HORSE RIDE
This blonde had a near death experience the other day.
She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.
She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.
She started screaming, and was in great pain.
Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.
Added: Friday 14th July 2006 17:50:04
RELATIVES
Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
Added: Friday 14th July 2006 05:50:12
DOCTER
A blonde walks into the doctors office and says docter whenever I fart It's silent and I cant smell it. In fact Iv'e farted 20 times already and you havent noticed.(he did notice he bears with it though). So the docter gave her a pill and said if this doesnt work come back tommarow. The next day the blonde comes back and says, Docter whad' you give me now , when I fart I can hear it. The doctor replied ,Good now lets work on those sinuses.
Added: Tuesday 11th July 2006 05:50:45
HOW TO DROWN A BLOND
How do you drown A blonde?
Put a Scratch and sniff sticker in the bottom of the pool.
Added: Monday 10th July 2006 05:51:01
BLONDE'S COFFIN
Q: Why does a blonde's coffin need to be extra wide?
A: Because when you put them on their back they spread their
legs.
Added: Sunday 9th July 2006 11:51:09
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Added: Saturday 8th July 2006 23:51:16
WHAT DO YOU CALL A B
What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? FULL
Added: Sunday 2nd July 2006 23:52:39
BLOWING IN A BLONDE'S EAR
Q: What do you call it when a blonde blows in another
blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Added: Thursday 29th June 2006 23:53:19
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Added: Thursday 29th June 2006 05:53:33
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TREE AND A BLONDE
Q. What is the difference between a tree and a blonde?
A. A tree knows when it is being cut down.
Added: Wednesday 28th June 2006 23:53:33
BLONDE GOES SHOPPING
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Added: Tuesday 27th June 2006 11:53:57
BAD BREATH
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath
Added: Monday 26th June 2006 11:54:11
BLONDE QUICKIES 3
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Added: Monday 19th June 2006 12:57:30
NEW SCARF
A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the store.
The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she says, "it's too tight!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 18th June 2006 17:52:37
BLONDE PAINT
The Sherwin-Williams paint company has created a new color, "Blonde."
It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 18th June 2006 11:52:40
CAR WASH
How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
He's the one on his bike.
Added: Saturday 17th June 2006 05:52:57
PUZZLE
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please
come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and
I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at
puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the
door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do,
I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to
look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you
to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellog's
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Added: Monday 12th June 2006 00:14:27
CLIFF
Q: A blonde and a burnette jump off a cliff, both at the
same time.(version2) Who hits first? A: The burnette,
because the air in the blonde's head slowed her down.
Added: Sunday 11th June 2006 06:14:27
BLINKER
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to
stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'
Added: Saturday 10th June 2006 12:14:27
FROSTED FLAKES
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle.
She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 8th June 2006 00:14:24
LIKE A DOOR KNOB
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Added: Wednesday 7th June 2006 00:14:23
THE ELEVATOR
A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a blonde sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied "my remote won't open the doors, I can't get out!". He looked down to see her holding her car's remote door opener in her hand!
Added: Saturday 3rd June 2006 06:14:22
CROSSING THE ROAD
Why did the blonde cross the road?
I don't know.
Neither did he.
Added: Wednesday 31st May 2006 12:14:20
BLONDE QUICKIES 9
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 25 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Added: Wednesday 31st May 2006 06:14:20
TOP'S DOWN
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 28th May 2006 06:14:17
PSYCHIC
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
Added: Friday 26th May 2006 00:14:15
BRAINWASH
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche
and shake her upside down.
Added: Wednesday 24th May 2006 06:14:15
BLONDE QUICKIES 18
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.
One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
Added: Monday 22nd May 2006 23:52:20
ONLY THREE DOORS
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Added: Sunday 21st May 2006 17:52:20
LIGHT BULB 3
Why can't the blonde put in a light bulb?
Shey kept breaking them with the hammer.
Added: Sunday 21st May 2006 11:52:19
HAIR CUT
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off."
The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."
breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."
!
Added: Friday 19th May 2006 23:52:18
EYES CLOSED
Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her
eyes closed? A: She wanted to know what she looked like
when she was sleeping.
Added: Friday 19th May 2006 05:52:18
WHO'S WORRIED?
A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 12th May 2006 11:52:13
INDECENT EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Added: Thursday 11th May 2006 17:52:13
PLANT DOPE
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Added: Saturday 6th May 2006 23:52:09
ONE-EYED BLONDE
Two blondes are walking down the road, when one says, ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, ''Where?''
Added: Friday 5th May 2006 11:52:07
WHY DO BLONDES HAVE BLUE EYES?
Why do most blondes have blue eyes?
They don't. The sky is shining through the back of their
head!
Added: Friday 5th May 2006 05:52:09
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLOND JOKES
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Added: Thursday 4th May 2006 11:52:07
BLONDE COP
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.
A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.
They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.
The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."
He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."
Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.
The blonde says "Potatoes".
And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"
Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?
Because he was a blonde too!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 4th May 2006 05:52:07
THE BLONDE MOTHER
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.
The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."
The Redhead says "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."
The Blond says "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
Added: Wednesday 3rd May 2006 05:52:06
THE HOUSE FIRE
A blonde called the fire department and said "GET OVER HERE QUICK! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"
The Fire Chief said, "Ok, now just calm down and tell us how to get to your place."
"Well, duh, big red truck, silly man"
Added: Monday 1st May 2006 23:52:06
THE MAILBOX
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."
Added: Sunday 30th April 2006 23:52:05
LOVER'S LANE
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?"
the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
Added: Friday 28th April 2006 11:52:03
DIAMOND RING
A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.
Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."
Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"
"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
Added: Wednesday 26th April 2006 21:52:02
AIR FRESHENER
One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You idiot that's your air freshener."
Added: Wednesday 26th April 2006 17:42:58
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