BAR JOKES (updated Saturday 18th May 2013 12:00:02 EDT)

RUDE DRUNK

$100

DICKENS AND THE MART

WANNA BET?

WHAT YOU GOT?

LOST GIRLFRIEND

GLAD TO BE DRUNK

PIISSH

READY TO GO HOME YET

A RAINBOW OF DEVOTION

GUY TALKS TO BARMAN

HAVING A BEER WITH Y

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

Added: Sunday 4th October 2009 06:00:01

BEER FACTS

DEPRESSED

IF YOU WERE MY HUSBA

TRICK ALLIGATOR

STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

A PIRATE AT THE LOCAL BAR DISCUSSES HIS PAST

A NUN ARRIVES AT THE LOCAL BAR

BAD CAR DAY

THE PIRATE

P'D OFF!

ROUND FOR THE HOUSE

WE'RE LESBIANS

DO YOU SERVE LAWYERS?

2 DRUNK GUYS

WHY?

SOTALLY TOBER

IRISHMAN DRUNK AND F

BEER DRINKING

LONE RANGER RETURNS

PULLED OVER

FIGHT

ANGEL

BLONDES AT A BAR

LAWYERS & ASSHOLES

DRINK FAULT-FINDING GUIDE

DID I EAT THAT?

WHO CAN SAY THIS SENTENCE?

THE MOOSE

CLIMBING OLIVE

BUD OR COORS?

ST PATRICK WAS GAY

GETTING SERVED AT A

FINDING THE CAR

TAXI FARE

The cabbie says, "Sure."

So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

Added: Monday 1st June 2009 12:00:01

LIKE TO DANCE?

3RD PRISE

SDFGDF

VIAGRA WON'T WOR

DRUNKEN MAN AND BLON

LAWYER AND DRUNK

PIRATES ADVENTURE

SUSIE'S LEGS

VENTRILOQUIST

ROTTWEILER AT BAR

CHAP STICK?

AN ENGLISHMAN, A SCO

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Added: Friday 17th April 2009 00:00:01

EVER SLEPT WITH AN U

MEN ARE LIKE...

WHAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO HAVE ARTHRITIS?

FRAID KNOT

THE IRISHMAN'S W

3 PINTS PLEASE

DIVORCING

WHAT HAPPENED IN TEX

CHIHUAHUA

DRINKING TRUTH

YOU MUST DRINK LESS

THE WALK HOME

DRIVING HOME VERY DRUNK

MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

FERTILITY SPECIALIST

WINE WARNINGS

THREE VAMPIRES GO TO A BAR

A LONG NIGHT

A**HOLE

WORMS

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE T

DUI

BEER FESTIVAL

DEADBEAT IN A BAR

JUST KEEP DRINKING!

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.”

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Added: Tuesday 17th February 2009 18:00:01

SAINT PATRICK'S

MAKING A BET AT A BAR

I NEARLY PISSED MYSE

"HOT GIRL IN TH

HANK'S BEARD

BRITISH WARNING STIC

BEER FESTIVAL

NEUTRON IN BAR

14 PINTS OF GUINNESS

I KNOW YOU WERE DRUNK YESTERDAY

BEER TEST

GOT ANYTHING SMALLER

INSTRUCTIONS AMISS

BAR CHATUP

MISSAPPROPRIATED CHU

POOR FARMER

LOBSTER AND THE CRAB

FAIRY GODMOTHER

BLACK MAN, WHITE...

HEADING FOR TROUBLE

TWO ALIENS

SIGNS THAT YOU'R

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Added: Saturday 13th December 2008 00:00:01

GUY SPITS INTO GLASS

There's a guy in a bar, it's late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar.

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?"

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me"

The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor.

The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?

The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200"

The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready"

So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

Added: Thursday 11th December 2008 06:00:01

THE FIGHT

Kelly limps into his favorite pub.

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley," Kelly whispered to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Thursday 11th December 2008 00:00:01

A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.

He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

Added: Wednesday 3rd December 2008 18:00:01

GORILLA

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks."

As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At eight bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

Added: Tuesday 2nd December 2008 00:00:04

5 SHOTS

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

Added: Monday 1st December 2008 06:00:01

WHAT, NO GOLDEN GOOS

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?"

asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"


"Yes."


"Do you have golden glasses?"


"Yes."


"Do you have golden beer?"


"Yes."


"Do you have a golden urinal?"


"Hold on."

On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Added: Sunday 23rd November 2008 12:00:02

THREE GUYS IN A BAR...

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."

Added: Sunday 23rd November 2008 06:00:01

SHOULD HAVE QUIT

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

Added: Tuesday 18th November 2008 12:00:01

1/2 OF EACH

There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish.

He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 16th November 2008 18:00:01

MOUSE TATTOO

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"





The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"





The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."

Added: Saturday 15th November 2008 18:00:02

I NEARLY PISSED MYSE

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

Added: Saturday 8th November 2008 06:00:01

BAR JOKE

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man.

"Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar.

"I gotta try this."

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender.

"You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

Added: Monday 3rd November 2008 00:00:01

GOLD BAR

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.

He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! "Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here... I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don't believe me."

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, "Is everything in your establishment really gold?"

"Yes," he replied, "everything is gold colored."

" Even the urinal?" she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, "This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night."

Added: Friday 31st October 2008 00:00:01

DYSLEXIC

A dyslexic walks into a bra....

Added: Wednesday 22nd October 2008 18:00:01

AMERICAN BEER

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."



Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?"



asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Added: Tuesday 21st October 2008 12:00:02

BEEN MESSIN' WIT

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"

Added: Tuesday 21st October 2008 06:00:01

HELLS ANGEL IN BAR

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cock suckers!" he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the fuck you going?"

The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."

Added: Monday 20th October 2008 12:00:01

PRACTICE MAKES...

Short Story: Setting (LOCAL SINGLES BAR).

10:00 Michelle Perfect arrives.

11:00 John Practice arrive.

1:00 Practice makes ....

Added: Thursday 16th October 2008 12:00:01

GAY BAR

This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it's a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says "Wanna play football"

The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says "alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.

So the man says I'm goin' for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.

The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

Added: Thursday 16th October 2008 00:00:01

OLD SCOTTISH MAN

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "

Added: Wednesday 15th October 2008 06:00:01

GRASSHOPPER

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

Added: Wednesday 8th October 2008 12:00:01

THINKS HE'S ME

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Added: Friday 3rd October 2008 18:00:01

ALCOHOL WARNINGS

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.



Added: Sunday 28th September 2008 12:00:02

WORKS OUTING

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens.

His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked.

"I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply.

"Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?"

"Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Added: Thursday 25th September 2008 06:00:01

12 SHOTS

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Added: Wednesday 24th September 2008 18:00:02

PICKING UP CHICKS

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.

Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret?'

He stops and thinks, then he adds, 'He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Added: Saturday 20th September 2008 12:00:02

EMPTY

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can.

The bartender asks, "My goodness, why are you drinking so fast?'

The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have."

The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?"

The guy responds, "An empty wallet."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Thursday 18th September 2008 06:00:01

VERY SHORT MAN

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"



Added: Sunday 14th September 2008 06:00:01

THE IRISHMAN'S W

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

Added: Thursday 11th September 2008 18:00:01

GET YOUR IRE UP

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"


"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."


The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"


"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."


The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"


"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."

Added: Sunday 7th September 2008 00:00:01

SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

Added: Friday 5th September 2008 18:00:01

A COUPLE MORE

A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work.

He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here.

Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figured, I have got time for a couple more beers."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Added: Friday 5th September 2008 00:00:01

3 GUYS AND A BAR BY:

3 guyes walk into a bar

2 of them duck

Added: Wednesday 3rd September 2008 00:00:01

DRINKING AT WORK

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.



Added: Friday 29th August 2008 12:00:01

INTERNATIONAL BEER S

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Added: Friday 29th August 2008 06:00:02

DOG VS. FOX

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About five drinks.

Added: Tuesday 26th August 2008 00:00:01

GUINESS AND WOMEN

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Added: Friday 22nd August 2008 06:00:01

FLYING PILL

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Added: Friday 15th August 2008 18:00:01

IRISH DUI

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

Added: Friday 15th August 2008 00:00:01

TOO MANY

What's red,white,black and blue lying in a ditch? A redhead telling too many blonde joke's.

Added: Tuesday 5th August 2008 18:00:02

BARTENDER HELP

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 3rd August 2008 18:00:01

AN ENGLISHMAN, A SCO

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Added: Sunday 27th July 2008 06:00:01

GUESS THE NAME

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?"

"No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs!

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there.

He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

Added: Saturday 26th July 2008 12:00:02

DRUNKED AND BLONDE

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?''

The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde.

Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

Added: Friday 25th July 2008 18:00:01

STATE OF THE ART WATCH

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Added: Tuesday 22nd July 2008 00:00:02

SIGNS YOU HAVE A HAN

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."



3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."



9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Added: Sunday 20th July 2008 12:00:01

BAR

three men walk into a bar you would think the last one would of seen it

Added: Sunday 6th July 2008 18:00:02

A MAN TAKES THE FERRY HOME FROM WORK

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"



Added: Saturday 5th July 2008 12:00:01

PUKEING DRUNK

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."



His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

Added: Sunday 29th June 2008 12:00:02

SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Added: Sunday 22nd June 2008 18:00:01

TWO-BIT WHORE

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

Added: Sunday 22nd June 2008 12:00:01

SIGNS THAT YOU'R

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

Added: Sunday 22nd June 2008 00:00:03

I DIDN'T GET ANY MONEY THIS TIME

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"



Added: Monday 16th June 2008 12:00:03

TOO MUCH DRINK?

A man's been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. He's downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour.

Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head and says, "Sir, I think you've had enough."





The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, "Wha - wha's that you shay?"





The bartender swallows.

"I said, I think you've had enough sir."





The drunk points a finger....

"Lis - l-l-listen Jack, I been drrrrrinking for shirty-thix years and I have no idea when I've had enough... so h-how the h-hell should y-y-you?"

Added: Monday 16th June 2008 00:00:02

FEMALE HORMONES IN B

Two men were in a pub. One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?'' The other man said, ''No! Is it true?'' ''Yes,'' said the first man. ''If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.''

Added: Sunday 15th June 2008 18:00:01

PENGUIN

This guy runs into a bar and shouts "Quick, how tall is a penguin??"

The bartender looks stunned.

"An empire penguin can be about this tall" he says, gesturing.

So the guy says, "Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!"

Added: Saturday 14th June 2008 06:00:02

DON'T DRINK

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, " I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns to find another sign next to his beer saying, " So did I!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 9th June 2008 18:00:01

CHICKEN

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."

Submitted by Curtis

Added: Saturday 7th June 2008 12:00:03

I'M ONLY TRIBUTE

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

Added: Saturday 31st May 2008 18:00:01

10 PINTS

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears
his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in
here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the
same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to
line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10
of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits
in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to
the pub down the street to see if I could do
it first."

Added: Friday 30th May 2008 12:00:03

BARMEN

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

Added: Friday 23rd May 2008 00:00:01

ALCOHOLIC SIDE-EFFEC

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

1. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
3. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
8. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Added: Monday 19th May 2008 18:00:01

MISSAPPROPRIATED CHU

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
''You, sir, are drunk!''
''And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!''

Added: Thursday 15th May 2008 18:00:04

EXTREMELY DRUNK

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Added: Wednesday 14th May 2008 12:00:02

WHO GAVE YOU THOSE BLACK EYES?

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."



Added: Monday 12th May 2008 18:00:03

FALL-DOWN DRUNK

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought.

"I'll just crawl home."



The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?"

she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"



"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Added: Wednesday 7th May 2008 00:00:02

MAN IN BAR

a man and his wife stopped in at a bar,sat down on a stool beside this guy,after a while this man let go with a sizzler the man with his wife ask,did you fart fore my wife,the man replied,didn't know it was her turn.

Added: Tuesday 6th May 2008 00:00:01

BLONDE AND THE ALLIGATOR

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Added: Sunday 4th May 2008 12:00:08

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

Beer Troubleshooting ********************

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

Added: Wednesday 30th April 2008 18:00:03

THE HEALER

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"



Added: Sunday 20th April 2008 12:00:03

12 SHOTS

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"



The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."



The bartender says, "What do you have?"



The guy says, "75 cents."

Added: Sunday 20th April 2008 06:00:03

SEXUAL ADVISOR

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."





"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"





"I'm not sure yet," he answered.

"During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

Added: Saturday 19th April 2008 00:00:03

THE IRISH LOVE THEIR BEER

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Added: Friday 18th April 2008 06:00:03

ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

Added: Thursday 17th April 2008 06:00:02

LIGHT ALE

Why wasn't the brewer hurt when a barrel of beer fell on him?

Because it was full of light ale.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Wednesday 16th April 2008 12:00:02

DICKENS AND THE MART

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Added: Saturday 12th April 2008 18:00:01

CELTIC MORTALITY

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Added: Saturday 12th April 2008 00:00:02

GIVE ME A DOUBLE

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Added: Wednesday 9th April 2008 06:00:02

KOALA IN A BAR

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?"

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

"Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?"

And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't."

And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money."

And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala."

"What's that?" asks the hooker.

"An animal that eats bushes and leaves."

Added: Tuesday 8th April 2008 18:00:03

THE BAR

A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walked into the bar. the first man asked the second "Oh you didn't see it either?"

Added: Saturday 5th April 2008 18:00:04

DON'T HIT ME HARD

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

He orders a drink and sees a monkey sitting on top of the bar.

He calls over the bartender and says, "Do you mind getting that filthy beast off the bar so I can enjoy my drink?"

The bartender says, "This monkey can do tricks."

The patron says, "What kind of tricks can that filthy animal do?"

He said, "I take this bat and hit the monkey on the head and he will do a back flip, unzip my pants and give me a blow job."

The patron said, "Yeah right, lets see."

The bartender hits the monkey on the head, he does a back flip and unzips the bartenders pants and gives him a blowjob.

The patron said, "WOW, that’s amazing."

The bartender said, "Do you want to give it a try?"

The patron said, "YEAH, but don’t him me on the head that hard."

Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis

Added: Thursday 3rd April 2008 00:00:02

TIMBUCK TWO

A black man and a white man are in a bar fighting about who is the smartest.

The fight was carrying on for quite a while when the bartender walked up and said, "I am going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave, but before I do we are going to settle this fight, or else you will just go beat each other up in the parking lot."

He said, "I am going to give you a word and you each have to make a rhyme out of it and whoever's is the best is the smartest, the word is timbuck two."

The white man thought and thought and finally said "I got it."

"Walking in the hot desert sand, I came upon a car-a-van, first came one camel, then came two, destination timbuck two."

The bartender said, "Very good."

The black man thought and thought and said, "OK, me and Timmy went fishing, we came upon three lovelies in a tent, upon the ground still wet with dew I bucked one Tim bucked two."

Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Thursday 27th March 2008 18:00:03

SPENT PAYCHECK

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Added: Thursday 27th March 2008 12:00:03

15 SIGNS YOU DRANK T

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Added: Thursday 27th March 2008 06:00:02

TWO DRUNKS

Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's conctipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

Added: Wednesday 26th March 2008 00:00:03

BEST FRIEND

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

"No, I'm not," the guy replies.

"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

Added: Tuesday 25th March 2008 00:00:03

PORK PIE

A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head and asks the barman for a pint of lager.

BARMAN: Do you know you've got a pork pie on your head?

MAN: Yes, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesday.

BARMAN: But it's Tuesday today.

MAN: Oh my god! I must look a real idiot.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Thursday 20th March 2008 12:00:02

KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Added: Monday 17th March 2008 06:00:02

WHAT IS BEER?

Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating.

In other words, it's a nice tall glass of bacteria shit.

Added: Friday 14th March 2008 18:00:03

LOOKING TO BUY A FROG?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."



Added: Thursday 13th March 2008 06:00:02

20 DOLLARS

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".




Added: Wednesday 12th March 2008 06:00:02

CUNNING MAN

Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him.

The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: "What's in the box?"

To which he replies "The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great."

She suggest she found out how how good the frog is.

In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs.

After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: "Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!"

Added: Sunday 2nd March 2008 18:00:04

JUST A HEAD

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and
the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms
takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no
legs is closing fast. The head sank straight
to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs
finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he
had better dive down to rescue the head guy.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface
and places the head at the side of the pool,
where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and
shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning
to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds
before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming
cap on me."

Added: Saturday 1st March 2008 06:00:02

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?"

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from
work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their
children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's
three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting
across from her. The girl could hardly eat her
food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt
his face for food, patted his hair in place,
but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally
it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are
you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior
and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how
you drink like a fish!"

Added: Friday 29th February 2008 18:00:03

TWO OLD DRUNKS

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Added: Friday 29th February 2008 06:00:02

THE COWBOY AND THE GAY BAR

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says, with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR WOMAN!"

Added: Tuesday 19th February 2008 00:00:03

BAR JOKE

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.

Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.

Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.

The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

Added: Thursday 14th February 2008 12:00:02

TERMITE

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the
bar tender here?"

Added: Friday 8th February 2008 12:00:04

THE BAR

Two guys walk into a bar. One guy says duck the other guy says where.

Added: Monday 4th February 2008 18:00:02

TARMAC

Two pieces of black tarmac are in the pub having a few pints and a laugh, telling jokes and getting a bit drunk.

Then a piece of red tarmac enters the pub and the two pieces of black tarmac stop speaking and just look down at their pints until the red piece of tarmac has ordered his drink and goes off down the other end of the pub to play on the gambling machine.

Then they start up speaking again, and having a laugh like before.
The pub landlord is a little confused at whats going on and asks the two pieces of black tarmac why they are scared of the piece of red tarmac.

"What him?, he's a freakin CYCLE PATH"! they replied.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 4th February 2008 00:00:02

STOLEN CAR

A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him.

"Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.

"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.

The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thisss key," the man replied.

About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's dick was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"

Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman

Added: Friday 1st February 2008 00:00:02

WOMEN PLEASING DOG

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.

Added: Tuesday 22nd January 2008 18:00:03

WHAT HAPPENED IN TEX

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

Added: Thursday 17th January 2008 00:00:02

THE EXPERIMENT

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.

Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Monday 14th January 2008 12:00:02

WAR WOUND?

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

Added: Sunday 13th January 2008 12:00:03

TERMITE FUN. YEP, TE

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

Where is the bar tender?

Added: Tuesday 8th January 2008 06:00:02

DRUNK AGAIN

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Added: Tuesday 1st January 2008 00:00:02

NERD SEASON

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Added: Sunday 30th December 2007 18:00:02

INTERNATIONAL BEER S

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Added: Sunday 30th December 2007 06:00:04

THE WIFE IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."



Added: Friday 21st December 2007 06:00:02

RUDE JERK

this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys that's bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?

Added: Saturday 15th December 2007 00:00:03

NO WAY!

A guy and his friend walk into a bar. The guy gets about as drunk as he can get with out passing out. Suddenly, he starts yelling "No Way!" over and over again. He keeps on doing this over and over until his friend comes over. He asks "Hey, what the fuck is your problem?"



The guy replies "This guy here says that some guy named George W. Bush is our president!"

So the friend replies "First of all, George W. Bush is our president, and second of all, your talking to a stool."

Added: Thursday 13th December 2007 18:00:03

ONE MORE SON..

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."



The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."



To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Added: Monday 10th December 2007 12:00:02

BUFFET

A gay man walks into a bar and goes to the end where he sits down and is about to order a beer.

The bar was without question a red-neck bar with some tough looking men. The men, slightly drunk, starting arguing who had the biggest penis. To settle the argument they decided to take out their equipment and lay them on the bar.

Seeing the man sitting at the end of the bar the bartender goes down to him and asks him what he would like.

The man stated that "I just came in for a beer, but I think I'll have the buffet instead."

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

Added: Monday 10th December 2007 06:00:02

MAN WITH NO ARMS

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Added: Saturday 1st December 2007 00:00:02

LEFT IT AT THE PUB

A man's been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you've been out drinking again!'

'What makes you say that?' he asks, putting on an innocent look

His wife said, 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.'

Added: Sunday 25th November 2007 12:00:02

CAN I BUY YOU A DRIN

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"





"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."





A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"





"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."





He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."





They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."





"Oh, well that's different...."



she says.

"Send her in!"

Added: Saturday 24th November 2007 12:00:02

3 LITTLE PIGS

The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".

Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".

Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".

Then the Bar man said "I suppose you want to use the toilet", but the third little pig said "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home".

Added: Wednesday 21st November 2007 12:00:02

BETCHA $500

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I WIN...told you it'll be there before your dog!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 18th November 2007 18:00:03

THE DRUNK

A little boy on the way to school one day saw a drunk playing with himself in an alley. The boy asked what he was doing. The drunk said "playing with my birdie, playing with my birdie" He then passed out. When he came to he was in the hospital, in pain around his groin area. He asked the Dr what happened, the Dr brought in the little boy and told him to answer the man. The boy said "after you went to sleep mister, I played with your birdie and he spit at me so I broke his neck, cracked his eggs and set his nest on fire"

Added: Sunday 18th November 2007 06:00:02

THE COUNTER-LUNCH

There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had a pea in forty years."

The barman then yells to the entire pub, "Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"

Added: Sunday 18th November 2007 00:00:03

A MAN AND A WOMAN WE

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely.

''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.''

''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?''

''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.''

Added: Saturday 10th November 2007 00:00:02

TWO IRISH FRIENDS

Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local
pub drinking a few beers.

So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam,
me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please
pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour
it through me bladder first?"

Added: Friday 9th November 2007 18:00:01

FERTILE CELEBRATION

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Added: Wednesday 7th November 2007 12:00:02

DRUNKEN DONUT II: TH

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"


"Gee, officer," the man says.

"Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

Added: Wednesday 7th November 2007 06:00:02

PANDA IN A BAR

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Added: Saturday 3rd November 2007 00:00:01

THE POLICE STOP

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.


Captain: Could you slowly open your glove
box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.


Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding,
too.

Added: Sunday 28th October 2007 18:00:03

PENIS NAMES

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied "There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis."

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said " I named mine Nike...like you know... just go for it!"

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said " I got one... Secret." The bartender said "Why Secret?" Joe said "Well... it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

Added: Friday 26th October 2007 18:00:02

POTATO DOWN PANTS

There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady.

He tryed and tryed all night, he couldn't get one.

He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants.

On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants.

He was at the bar all night.

He couldn't get a lady.

He went to home and told his brother that he still didn't get a lady.

His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time.

Added: Friday 26th October 2007 06:00:03

WHATS THE PUBS NAME

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?"

"No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs!

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there. He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

Added: Wednesday 24th October 2007 12:00:02

GUINESS A REAL DRINK

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'

Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.'

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'

Patrick replies, 'Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I'

Added: Wednesday 24th October 2007 00:00:02

PROSTITUTE AT BAR

A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.

When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.

"Forget it," the man says, "you never told me you were a prostitute." "But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?"

"You won't get any decent prostitute for that," the hooker says. She throws the guy out.

Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.

She comes up to him and says, "See, I told you." "Look at the kind of trash you'll pick up for $10."

Added: Saturday 20th October 2007 18:00:03

CAN I SMELL SOMETHIN

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"



The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."

Oh, then it must be your feet."

Added: Saturday 20th October 2007 00:00:02

CRAWLING BACK HOME

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Added: Wednesday 17th October 2007 12:00:02

TRYING TO BE HELPFUL

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"



Added: Friday 12th October 2007 12:00:04

GOLDEN URINAL

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.

"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glasses?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden beer?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a golden urinal?"

"Hold on."

On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Added: Friday 12th October 2007 06:00:03

SPENT PAYCHECK

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Added: Tuesday 9th October 2007 06:00:03

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

Added: Sunday 7th October 2007 12:00:03

THREE MEN

Three men walk into a bar,

You think one or them would have seen it!

Added: Friday 28th September 2007 00:00:02

ONE TOO MANY

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!'' ''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ''The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.''

Added: Sunday 9th September 2007 18:00:01

WHAT YOU GOT

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

Added: Tuesday 4th September 2007 06:00:02

TERMITE FUN.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

Where is the bar tender?

Added: Sunday 2nd September 2007 06:00:02

CHEAP BEER

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Added: Friday 31st August 2007 12:00:02

THE ASYLUM LOONIES..

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."



Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."



The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.

"Let's call It $150," he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"

Added: Tuesday 21st August 2007 06:00:02

SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

Added: Wednesday 15th August 2007 12:00:02

ALCOHOL WARNINGS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really desperate for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The conscumption of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 15th August 2007 06:00:02

SIX DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back...

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Added: Monday 6th August 2007 06:00:01

DRUNK DATE

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Thursday 2nd August 2007 12:00:02

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.



Added: Thursday 26th July 2007 00:00:02

NICE PEANUTS

A guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say,
'Hey, you're a pretty good-looking guy.'

Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts.

So he asks the barman, 'What's this?'

The bartender replies, 'They're complimentary peanuts.'

Added: Wednesday 25th July 2007 06:00:02

ALL YOU CAN DRINK

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"




"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

Added: Tuesday 24th July 2007 00:00:03

DEAF MEN IN A BAR

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Added: Tuesday 17th July 2007 06:00:02

GIVE ME A DOUBLE

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Added: Tuesday 10th July 2007 12:00:02

UPHOLSTER

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?

A recovering alcoholic.

Submitted by clamjo
Edited by curtis

Added: Monday 9th July 2007 18:00:03

DRUNK DRIVER?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Added: Sunday 8th July 2007 06:00:02

CONFUSED DRUNK

a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?

Added: Wednesday 20th June 2007 06:00:02

DRUNK SUPERHERO

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!'' Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."

The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!" The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

Added: Sunday 17th June 2007 18:00:02

DUMB CROOKS ROUNDUP

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

Added: Tuesday 12th June 2007 18:00:02

WOMEN WITH DUCK

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartenders says "what'll the pig have."

The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!".

I know says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."

Added: Tuesday 12th June 2007 06:00:02

TROUBLE AT THE BAR

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 2nd June 2007 18:00:02

SCOTCH

A man walked into a bar and ordered a 12-year-old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a three-year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year-old scotch.

The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this time a six-year-old one.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a
12-year-old scotch, not a six-year-old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a 12-year-old one, as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a nine-year-old one."

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded 12-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked for in the first place."

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to take a sip.

The fellow did so, spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss!"

The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."

Edited by calamjo and curtis

Added: Wednesday 30th May 2007 18:00:02

LIGHT

What do you get if you cross a glow-worm with a pint of beer?

Light ale.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Monday 28th May 2007 06:00:01

FINDING THE CAR

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

Added: Monday 21st May 2007 18:00:03

LARRY'S BAR

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me."

"Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!"

"I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down."

"Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Added: Saturday 19th May 2007 00:00:02

$1000 COMPETITION

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

Added: Friday 18th May 2007 06:00:02

GAY FAMILY

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.

The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.

The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.

The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.

The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!"

The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

Added: Monday 14th May 2007 18:00:03

WHAT IS THIS?

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.

The Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Joke?"

Added: Saturday 12th May 2007 18:00:02

OUT IN THE CAR

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Added: Thursday 3rd May 2007 06:00:04

DEADBEAT IN A BAR

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!” The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

Added: Wednesday 2nd May 2007 18:00:02

SELF-EXPLANATORY

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Added: Monday 30th April 2007 12:00:03

YA WANNA FIND JESUS?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

"Sure," said the drunk man.

"I'll find Jesus."

So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

"Damn," said the drunk man.

"Are you sure he fell in there?"

Added: Sunday 29th April 2007 00:00:05

DEAF MEN IN A BAR

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Added: Monday 23rd April 2007 00:00:03

A RAINBOW OF DEVOTIO

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

Added: Wednesday 18th April 2007 18:00:04

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"





"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."





"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"





"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"



inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

Added: Tuesday 17th April 2007 12:00:06

ARM LESS DRINKER

An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Added: Sunday 15th April 2007 06:00:04

DENNIS RODMAN

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".

She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Added: Friday 13th April 2007 06:00:03

LADIES TOILET

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replies.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'

‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

Added: Wednesday 11th April 2007 06:00:02

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.

What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Added: Sunday 8th April 2007 18:00:02

YOU CAN'T BRING THAT DOG IN THIS BAR

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"



Added: Wednesday 4th April 2007 12:00:03

BAR PICKUP

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

Added: Wednesday 4th April 2007 06:00:02

JESUS CHRIST SUPERST

JESUS WALKS INTO A BAR +HOLDS OUT 3 NAILS +SAYS TO THE BARTENDER CAN YOU PUT ME UP FOR THE NIGHT

Added: Wednesday 28th March 2007 00:00:02

GAY GUY IN BAR

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing about who had the biggest dick.

So he yelled out: "I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest."

They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed their dick up on the bar.

At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: "May I help you?"

To which he responds: "Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord."

Added: Tuesday 27th March 2007 06:00:02

RAILROAD DRUNKS

Two Drunk Irishmen are walking down a set of railway tracks,

First Irishman: "Jesus Christ Pat, I've never seen so many stairs"

Second Irishman: "Fuck that Mick, it's this low railing that's killing me"

Added: Monday 26th March 2007 00:00:03

PSYCHIATRIC OUTING

One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road.

I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the bartender isn't sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees.

The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts.

The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250.

The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital.

The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, "It comes to $250."

The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, "That's fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?"

Added: Friday 23rd March 2007 12:00:03

FIGHTING FOR VIRGINI

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"





The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."





"No kidding?"





"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."

Added: Friday 23rd March 2007 06:00:04

HORSE COUNTRY

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.

He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Friday 23rd March 2007 00:00:02

A RAINBOW OF DEVOTIO

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

Added: Thursday 15th March 2007 12:00:03

DRUNK IRISH

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the reply.
'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'

'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.

'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'

Added: Thursday 8th March 2007 06:00:02

GOT EVERY WOMAN IN T

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."



"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Added: Saturday 3rd March 2007 06:00:02

$20 TO CLEAN SUIT

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"

"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"

"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back,

"He shit in my pants, too."

Added: Sunday 25th February 2007 00:00:02

HEARTBURN

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because..because I've got heartburn."

The bartender says, "Look, lady... it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, "You have your left breast in the Ashtray!"

Added: Friday 16th February 2007 12:00:03

THE CAUTIOUS MONKEY

Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar,sets the monkey on the bar,slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,"Hey!Get that nasty animal outa my bar."

"What nasty animal?"

The man replies. "That monkey"says the bartender,"He's hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his ass, then eating them."

"Oh,He's not being nasty .He's being cautious."

The man says. "How do you figure that?"

ask the bartender. "Well you see," explained the man,"my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it"

Added: Tuesday 13th February 2007 06:00:01

DRUNK AND ARTHRITIS

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.

He sat down next to a priest.

The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Added: Saturday 10th February 2007 06:00:02

BEER WARNINGS...

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.

=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

Added: Tuesday 6th February 2007 18:00:02

MINER VISITS BAR

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where’re all the wimmin?"

The Barman replies, "Ain’t no wimmin here, not fer a long time."

"Well what do y’all do?"

"We do it with the animals."

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.

Months later, same story... After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, "You’re sure you do it with the animals?"

"Yes, we do, sir"

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, "My God, man, what are you doing?"

"I thought you said you all did it with the animals."

"Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff’s broad!"

Added: Tuesday 30th January 2007 13:05:48

A DRINK PROBLEM

I have got a drink problem.....

I've got two hands, but only one mouth.....

Added: Monday 29th January 2007 19:05:49

SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Added: Sunday 28th January 2007 01:05:47

YOU LOOKED A LOT LIKE MY WIFE

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."



Added: Saturday 27th January 2007 07:05:43

YA WANNA FIND JESUS?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

"Sure," said the drunk man.

"I'll find Jesus."

So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

"Damn," said the drunk man.

"Are you sure he fell in there?"

Added: Friday 26th January 2007 13:05:41

NEW JOKE

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road.

Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I'll go check it out."

In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.

He taps the microphone twice and says "42". Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells "68!" The crowd laughs louder still!

A third man walks up and shouts "12!!"

Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"

"Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke."

"Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?"

"Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168".

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.

After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"

The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Well, they haven't heard that one before!!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Wednesday 17th January 2007 18:00:02

DOG VS. FOX

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

Added: Thursday 11th January 2007 00:00:07

3 LOONES

Three mentally insane men were walking down the street when they came across a huge pile of what apeared to be dog shit. The first loone sticks his eye in it and says, "it looks like shit" The second loone sticks his nose in it and says, "it smells like shit" then finally third loone wlks up and sticks his tongue in it and says, "it tastes like shit" then they all look at each other and say, "Thank god we didn't step in it"!

Added: Tuesday 9th January 2007 12:00:02

DRUNK AND T.P.

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.
Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into
the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making
his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and
figuring that
the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to
enter his side
of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by
a lengthy
silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the
partition. "You
got any toilet paper on your side?"

Added: Tuesday 9th January 2007 00:00:02

BIG MANSION, LITTLE HEAD

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.
"I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world."

"Yeah?"

"And then I wished for a little head."

Added: Sunday 7th January 2007 06:00:02

BEST REASONS TO ALLOW DRINKING ON THE JOB

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Added: Wednesday 3rd January 2007 12:00:02

PAYBACK

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by calamjo

Added: Tuesday 26th December 2006 00:00:03

BAR FLIES

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter.

"Have you gotten any?"

he asked.

The clerk replied, "Yeah. Three males and two females."



"How do you tell the difference?"

the man asked curiously.

"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

Added: Wednesday 20th December 2006 00:00:04

I'VE SHAGGED YUR MUM

Three guys were drinking in a pub when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.

After a while he approaches the lads and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts,
'I've shagged your mother!'

The guys look bewildered as the man goes back to his place at the bar and resumes drinking.

Ten minutes later he comes back and points to the bloke in the middle of the trio and shouts,
'Did you hear me? I've shagged your mother'

Then he goes back to his drink.

A short time later the man comes up again, jabs his finger at the middle bloke and announces for the pub to hear,
'I've shagged your mother, and it was good.'

By now the trio have had enough and the one in the middle shouts,
'Dad, you're pissed. Bugger off home!'

Added: Monday 11th December 2006 06:00:02

MOOOOOO!

This gay guy walks into the bar and says,"Bartender I am gay but I would like to stay and have a drink."



So he replied," Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess with anyone."

So the guy accepted and walked away.

A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says," Bartender, I'd Like a brewsky."

Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip.

He slamed down the mug and said,"I fell like a stud bull!" and the gay guy said,"Mooo!"

Added: Monday 11th December 2006 00:00:05

NEW BAR

A girl named Martha is opening a new bar but can't think of a good name.

So she starts a contest, whereby whoever can think of a good name gets 100 free drinks.

The winner was a fellow who suggested "Martha's Legs".

On the bar's first day of business, he arrived an hour before the establishment opened, and sat down on the curb to wait.

A policeman noticed him and asked what he was doing on the street.

The man replied "I'm just sitting here wating for 'Martha's Legs' to open so I can get 100 free drinks."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Thursday 7th December 2006 06:00:02

ALL THE DRINKS ARE F

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."



Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.

"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"





"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Added: Thursday 30th November 2006 18:00:02

GOT ANY GRAPES?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Added: Thursday 30th November 2006 06:00:06

12 Y.O. SCOTCH

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It is. How old am I?"

Added: Thursday 30th November 2006 00:00:04

ALL YOU CAN DRINK

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"



"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

Added: Saturday 25th November 2006 06:00:02

PISSED OFF!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Added: Sunday 19th November 2006 12:00:02

THE PIRATE AND THE S

A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"

And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"

Added: Saturday 18th November 2006 18:00:02

YOU'RE PASSIONATE

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.

Stopping her, they saw that she had had far too much to drink. Instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser, and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she stroked the officer's arm was, "You're passionate."

They drove a while longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look, we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live."

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and yisman

Added: Tuesday 14th November 2006 18:00:02

PISS OVER YOUR BAR

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye." The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."

So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."

The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."

The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it." He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.

The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?"

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face.

Added: Tuesday 14th November 2006 12:00:03

WOMEN ON TAP?

"Do you serve women in this bar?" "No sir, you have to bring your own."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Added: Saturday 11th November 2006 12:00:02

BEER GOGGLES

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!”

Added: Saturday 11th November 2006 00:00:03

SEAL VISITS A LOCAL BAR

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."



Added: Wednesday 1st November 2006 06:00:02

RACIST ATTACK

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says.

"What was that for?"



"That was for Pearl Harbour," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!"

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

And the Jewish man sits back down.

A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says.

"What was that for?"



"That was for sinking the Titanic," the Chinese man says.

"Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Added: Friday 27th October 2006 12:00:02

WORLD RECORDS

Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, 'Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein' a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.'

'What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit? You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for,' says Sean.

'Well, it's me hands, Sean,' Mick says, waving them around. 'I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous.'

The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.

A little while later Kevin pipes up, 'Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.'

The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, 'How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?'

Kevin replies, 'It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet,' and he takes his boots to show them. 'I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.'

The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Some time later Sean chimes in, 'Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.'

The others fall about laughing.
'What de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?' cries Sean.
'It's me dick,' he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.

'Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean', says Kevin. 'Days the smallest feckin' dick I ever saw,' and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street.

'Jaysus,' he says, 'I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured' and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. 'I did it. I did it,' he says. 'I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobody's got smaller hands dan me,' he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. '

'Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.'

'Feck it. I will,' says Kevin and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.

'Jaysus, I'm famous,' he says. 'I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous, I'm famous.'

With that Sean staggers to the office door. 'I'm gonna get me dick measured,' he says. 'I won't be long.'

The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.

Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens.

Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. 'Who de feckin' hell is Bill Gates?' he says.

Added: Friday 27th October 2006 06:00:02

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY WIFE

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Added: Sunday 22nd October 2006 00:00:04

I THOUGHT YOU WERE M

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."





"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Added: Thursday 19th October 2006 00:00:04

DRINK FOR THE WOMEN

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'

Added: Monday 16th October 2006 00:00:04

THE RIGHT WATCH

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say " Its because the watch is on your right hand."

The man puts the watch on his left hand and says "Oh there we go!"

Added: Saturday 14th October 2006 12:00:07

CAN I SMELL SOMETHING

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

Added: Saturday 7th October 2006 18:00:02

HOOLIGAN HIJINX

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!" "O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?"

stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

Added: Saturday 7th October 2006 00:00:04

5 STAGES OF BEING DR

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Added: Wednesday 4th October 2006 12:00:02

FLY IN MY GUINNESS

    An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.  The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.  The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

Added: Tuesday 3rd October 2006 18:00:02

A MESSAGE FOR THE MANAGER

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

Added: Saturday 30th September 2006 12:00:02

GAY BAR

Four things not to say in a gay bar.

1 Bugger me it's hot in here!

2 Can I push your stool in?

3 Toss you for the next round!

4 Can I bum a fag?

Added: Saturday 30th September 2006 00:00:03

FROG AND RAT IN BAR

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he'll show him a trick he'll never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar's piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat's piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

"Are you nuts?" the bartender asks. "That frog could be worth a fortune to you."

"Don't be so sure," the customer says. "The rat's a ventriloquist."

Added: Friday 29th September 2006 06:00:02

CHARGE BY THE INCH

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

Added: Friday 29th September 2006 00:00:04

HAVING A BEER

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

Added: Thursday 28th September 2006 12:00:02

THE RE-APPEARING OF

Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.

For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, " you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you "Be healed". Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, "since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Tom's bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, "well I'm not going down there - come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, "Stay away from me you son of a bitch...I'm on Disability.

Added: Saturday 23rd September 2006 00:00:04

MONEY IN A JAR

A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.

The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.

1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.

2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.

3. Screw a 70 year old lady.

He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.

He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.

He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 20th September 2006 18:00:03

LIBRARIES ARE SEXY

You got any overdue library books? 'Cause you got fine written all over you!

Added: Friday 8th September 2006 18:00:01

ONE FOR THE ROAD

A man walks into a bar with a lump of asphalt under his arm.

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender.

The man replies, “One for me and one for the road.”

Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Monday 4th September 2006 18:00:02

WIFE CONTROL

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, “Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

Added: Thursday 31st August 2006 12:00:02

DOES YOUR DOG BITE?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."



Added: Tuesday 29th August 2006 06:00:08

FAST DRINKER

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."



Added: Tuesday 22nd August 2006 12:00:01

CAREFUL WISHES

Joe walks into a bar and sits down.

He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.

Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"

The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.

Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.

A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.

He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"

The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Added: Sunday 20th August 2006 00:00:04

2 PLEASE

A guy from Wigan goes in a pub and orders a beer, bar man says "whitbread"?

Guy says "2 slices please!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Saturday 19th August 2006 00:00:05

PISS DRUNK

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

Added: Friday 18th August 2006 06:00:03

THE IRISHMAN

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city
of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls
him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Added: Thursday 17th August 2006 12:00:02

PIRATE VISITS BAR

A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.

The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Added: Monday 14th August 2006 06:00:03

STICKUP

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!� He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!�

“Don’t shoot,� pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!�

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!�

“Anything!� cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!�

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,� he says. “One of my friends might walk in!�

Added: Monday 7th August 2006 06:00:03

NY BARTENDER

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.

"So, where y'all from?" he asks.

"We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions."

"Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch!"

Added: Thursday 3rd August 2006 12:00:05

PIRATES IN BAR

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. One's got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, "how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?".

The first reply’s "arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark."

The second pirate is of course impressed, "aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'hook?"

The first reply’s "lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!".

"Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed.

"How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?".

"Well I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull" says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit right in me eye". In disbelief the second pirate says

"Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"

The first pirate replied: "Arr...first day wit me 'ook."

Added: Thursday 3rd August 2006 00:00:10

FAST DRINKING

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on
a stool. The bartender looks at him and says,
"What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey
shots and make them doubles." The bartender does
this and watches the man slug one down, then
the next, then the next, and so on until all
seven are gone almost as quickly as they were
served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks
why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had
what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have
pal?"

The man quickly replies, "a dollar."

Added: Sunday 30th July 2006 12:00:03

IRISH DUI

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'' ''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

Added: Saturday 22nd July 2006 18:00:02

BEER BROTHERS

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

  The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Added: Tuesday 18th July 2006 17:49:13

CHINESE BAR

a man walks into a bar and says i want a beer with a side o f a coke the chinese waitergoes and pees in the coke and comes back with the coke and beer the guy takes a sip of coke and sprays it out in disgust and the waiter dances around chanting me chinese me no joke me go peepee in your coke this happens to two more people before a cowboy comes in same thing happens and after the chinese man gets done with his little chant of his the cowboy pulls him by the colar and whispers into his ear me cowboy me shoot fast me shott bulets up your____

Added: Sunday 16th July 2006 23:49:33

READY TO GO HOME YET

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, 'How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?' The man said, 'because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.'

Added: Friday 14th July 2006 11:50:10

A DONKEY AND A BAR

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.”

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, " How did you do it?"

The guy answers, " To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him"

Added: Monday 10th July 2006 11:50:54

THE DIAPER AND THE E

why did the elephant where the diaper to the party?



cuz hes a party pooper!

Added: Wednesday 5th July 2006 23:51:56

FOR BEER DRINKERS

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo, yisman and Tantilazing

Added: Tuesday 4th July 2006 11:52:17

GUYS TAKE MAN HOME

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"

Added: Monday 3rd July 2006 17:52:28

YOUNG GUNFIGHTER

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man.

"Definitely," the old man replied.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano player.

"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Sunday 2nd July 2006 05:52:49

UNHAPPY WIFE

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Added: Wednesday 14th June 2006 06:14:31

PROUD TEXAN FATHER

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Added: Tuesday 13th June 2006 18:14:30

DIRTY...CLEAN

i have 2 jokes... one is dirty and one is clean...
Dirty:a boy fell in a mudd puddle
Clean:he took a bath

Added: Sunday 11th June 2006 00:14:27

SNAIL VISITS BAR

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.

He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.

"What did you do that for" says the snail.

Added: Saturday 10th June 2006 18:14:27

PISS DRUNK

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. “What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.”

Added: Sunday 4th June 2006 06:14:23

6 SHOTS OF WHISKEY

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

'What can I get you?' the barman asks.

'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man.

'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'

'Yeah, my first blowjob.'

'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'

The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'

Added: Tuesday 30th May 2006 12:14:19

I'M ONLY TRIBUTE

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."

Added: Monday 29th May 2006 18:14:19

KARATE CHOP

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''

Added: Monday 29th May 2006 00:14:17

GRASSHOPPER

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you."

To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Added: Thursday 18th May 2006 23:52:17

DRUNK DRIVER

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold sober.

"I can't belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???"

"Oh that's easy", replies the man.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Added: Thursday 18th May 2006 11:52:17

THE JOKE FROM DESPARADO

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

Added: Sunday 14th May 2006 05:52:15

MONKEY ATE POOL BALL

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.

He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"What now?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Added: Saturday 13th May 2006 05:52:14

THE BUDWEISER METHOD

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty."

Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?"

says one of the three guys at the table.

"She's a real pretty girl."

The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women."



The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!" The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?"

they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!" "Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated.

"What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"



"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

Added: Friday 12th May 2006 17:52:14

WHERE IS THIS BUS GOING?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"



Added: Monday 8th May 2006 23:52:11

MONKEY ON A STRING

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.

The barman relied "I don't want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!"

The guy replied "But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out."

After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. "Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?" $200 was exchanged.

That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. "Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!"

Added: Wednesday 3rd May 2006 17:52:06

DENTIST

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

Submitted by bennto
Edited by Calamjo

Added: Tuesday 2nd May 2006 05:52:06

BAR... GRASSHOPPER

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!''

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''

Added: Wednesday 26th April 2006 19:52:02