|
ADULT JOKES (updated Tuesday 29th May 2012 06:00:02 EDT)
IRISH BLONDE LADY
An irish blonde lady went to the doctor, complaining that the Pill kept falling off.
Added: Tuesday 30th August 2011 00:00:01
SWEET AS CANDY
One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.
So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.
He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.
It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.
This is Wonderbar!
He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.
She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's.
Miss Hershey said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".
To which Mr. Goodbar replied, "When you're this big they call you Mr. Big".
Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 06:00:02
BACK PROBLEMS
A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time.
Like when he's on trial for child molestation. --Jay Leno
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 18:00:01
WASHING MACHINE
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 12:00:01
SEX
A fellow decides to take off from work early to go see his gilfriend but his wife didn't know he had a girlfriend. He had sex with his girlfriend and then he went home to go have sex with his wife she was crazy over him.
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 06:00:09
4 KINDS OF ORGASM
There are four kinds of orgasm: positive, negative, religious and fake.
The positive goes, "Yes, yes, yes ,yes!"
The negative goes, "No, no, no, no!"
The religious goes, "Oh God, God, God, God!"
And the fake goes, "..., ..., ..., ...! (Fill in the name of your lover in the blank spaces.)
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 25th August 2011 18:00:01
THE OLD HOTDOG TRICK
We've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.
We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.
To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.
Here is how you do this little stunt:
1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.
2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.
3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.
(OPTIONAL)
The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"
He had a mortified look on his face.
"Uhh, just wondering."
He never got trashed again while on that deployment.
Added: Wednesday 24th August 2011 06:00:02
THE NUNNERY
One afternoon, Mother Superior called a meeting of the one hundred girls at the nunnery.
"Ladies, this morning a pair of men's pajamas were found in one of your beds."
Ninety nine nuns go "Oh!" and one nun goes "He He He."
Mother Superior continues, "In those pajamas was found a used condom."
Ninety nine nuns go "Oh!" and one nun goes "He He He". Finally, Mother Superior reveals the worst part, "That condom had a hole in it ladies."
Ninety nine nuns go "He He He" and one nun goes "Oh!!"
Added: Wednesday 24th August 2011 00:00:01
WHO WANTS WHAT?
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite them.
Then God asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, screaming and shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine," replied God. "Then THEY get the multiple orgasms."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 23rd August 2011 12:00:01
LOVING ON THE LAWN
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Added: Monday 22nd August 2011 06:00:03
HISTORY OF MY NAME
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moon child?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
The Mom paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
Added: Monday 22nd August 2011 00:00:01
KOLA WITH HOOKER
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE
(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Added: Sunday 21st August 2011 12:00:01
TEENAGE DAUGHTERS
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Added: Saturday 20th August 2011 18:00:05
PANDA GETS A HOOKER
A panda bear picks up a hooker and they go to a cheap motel to have sex. He goes down on her for hours and she has multiple orgasms.
Afterward, while the panda bear is getting dressed the hooker sits up in bed and says I need you to pay me now. The panda just shrugs and keeps putting on his clothes.
The hooker jumps out of bed and says I need you to pay me, I am a hooker, this is what I do for a job.
The panda bear shrugs again and continues putting on his clothes. The hooker runs to her purse and pulls out a mini dictionary and looks up the word “hooker.” She shows the bear what it says: Hooker; has sex for money.
The bear smiles and flips to “Panda Bear”, and then without saying another word walks out of the room.
The hooker looks down at the definition and reads: Panda Bear; eats bushes and leaves
Added: Saturday 20th August 2011 00:00:01
FINGER PAINTERS
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painters.
Added: Friday 19th August 2011 12:00:01
T-G-I-F
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 17th August 2011 12:00:01
S.H.I.T.
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Added: Monday 15th August 2011 06:00:03
TIRES AND SEX
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
--One is a Goodyear and one is a great year
Added: Friday 12th August 2011 06:00:02
JEEVES
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening.
The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.
Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 11th August 2011 18:00:04
NUDIST COLONY
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts.
A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 11th August 2011 06:00:03
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
So, as Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
'First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees and says, 'What's the second condition?'
'You must be home by 2 am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.
'Where have you been?' demands the fairy godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!'
'I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.'
'I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name.'
'I can't remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other... '
Added: Tuesday 9th August 2011 00:00:01
PORN DEFINED
I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define. Nonsense. Nothing could be easier. Pornography is simply sexually oriented material which is damaging to the moral fibre of other people. There. Plain and simple. You will note that damaging and dangerous as pornography is, it never seems to damage the morality of the individual who has carefully studied the stuff and is now denouncing it. Must be something like the professional immunity physicians enjoy.
People often wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography. Another simple difference.
"Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on. So there.
Added: Monday 8th August 2011 12:00:01
ANYONE SEEN MY COCK
A priest had lost his cock (Male Chicken) and didn't know where to find
it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All
the men stood up.
"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.
"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.
Added: Sunday 7th August 2011 12:00:01
PINK OR PURPLE
What is the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 7th August 2011 06:00:01
CAT
"I can't believe how boring my life has become." "What do you mean?" "The
only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my cat
I'm getting his food ready!"
Added: Sunday 7th August 2011 00:00:01
OH NO!
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh no, I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh no, I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh no, I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Saturday 6th August 2011 18:00:02
FIRST THING TO DO AFTER JAIL
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Added: Saturday 6th August 2011 06:00:02
ISLANDS
Q: What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
A: Islands In The Stream.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 5th August 2011 12:00:01
ED ZACHARY
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'
Confused the woman asked,
'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang replied,
'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’
Added: Friday 5th August 2011 00:00:01
LESBIAN DINOSAUR
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Answer: A lick-A-lotta-puss.
Added: Thursday 4th August 2011 12:00:01
SMALL PENIS
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," replied Roy, "Carla has a big mouth."
Added: Monday 1st August 2011 00:00:01
VASELINE RESEARCH
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."
Added: Tuesday 26th July 2011 12:00:01
FOOL'S GOLD
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 25th July 2011 12:00:01
BRAKES ON
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Added: Monday 25th July 2011 00:00:01
SIX GIRLS FOR FREE
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening.
The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."
Added: Sunday 24th July 2011 06:00:02
ULTIMATE REJECTION
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Added: Saturday 23rd July 2011 18:00:01
GOOD WATERMELON
At a gynecologists' convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".
"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."
Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.
Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't refering to size but to taste."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 22nd July 2011 12:00:01
VERY GOOD REASON
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Added: Thursday 21st July 2011 00:00:01
THE WORD OF THE DAY
The word of the day is "Legs".
So let's goto your house and spread the word.
Added: Sunday 17th July 2011 12:00:01
BEHAVE LIKE A RABBIT
Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she met on a trip to Vegas.
"He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas, we had some wine and then he showed me all these expensive jewels.
There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said Rosie.
"Well... yes." Mari agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 15th July 2011 00:00:01
LIKE A BULL!
A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country. As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another. The wife turned to her husband and remonstrated.
"Why aren't you men capable of doing things that way?"
"My dear," he answered, "we can if you let us change cows each time!"
Added: Thursday 14th July 2011 18:00:01
EROTIC VS KINKY
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Added: Thursday 14th July 2011 00:00:01
GRAB YOUR CLOTHES...
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."
Added: Wednesday 13th July 2011 12:00:01
3 IN A BED
"It's not that I mind awfully that he's unfaithful," the wife said to the marriage counselor, "but I just can't get used to sleeping three in a bed."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 11th July 2011 12:00:01
60 THINGS NOT TO SAY
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?
Added: Sunday 10th July 2011 12:00:01
DENTIST APPOINTMENT
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says,
'I'm sorry honey, but I've got a gynecologist’s appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, 'Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?'
Added: Sunday 10th July 2011 06:00:03
PEANUT PENIS
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Dean's house.
"Hey Mum, guess what! Dean's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mum is understandably confused for a second, then questions, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"
Added: Saturday 9th July 2011 12:00:01
NO CLOTHES ON
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they writhed in the heat of the moment.
The woman cocked her ear "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "The little bastards."
Added: Thursday 7th July 2011 00:00:01
JOHNNY DEEPER
A little boy was being bad in class and the teacher asked to see him after school. He stayed there and was sundenly puting moves on the teacher. The teacher hasnt had any in a while so they start to have sex. Whlie they were doing it the Johnnys family came in. The mom screams, "JOHNNY DEEPER!!". The dad screams, "JOHNNY DEEPER!!!!". The sister walks in and goes , "JOHNNY DEEPER, JOHNNY DEEPER, JOHNNY DEEPER!!!!". He screams, "IM TRY'N, IM TRY'N!!"
Added: Wednesday 6th July 2011 12:00:01
BUDWEISER SYSTEM
There were two guys who decided to spend their evening at the bar rating women.
When the first gal walked in they both agreed that she was sorta plain, a 6 at the most.
An old drunk at the end of the bar overheard them and said, "Thassa 1/2."
They ignored him and went on with their play. The next gal in was pretty cute so they rated her an 8.
The old drunk looked around and said, "Thassa 1."
The two instigators ignored him again and the game went on. Then it happened that a real fox walked into the bar. That's a 10 goin' on 15 they both agreed.
The old drunk shot her a glance and said, "Thassa 3!"
The beautiful young thing overheard him and felt rather insulted, so she decided to ask him what the hell kind of rating system he was using anyway. "I know I'm better than a 3!" she protested.
He said, "Lady, I use the Budweiser rating system."
"What's that?" she asked.
"That's how many Clydesdales it'd take to pull you offa my face!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 5th July 2011 06:00:03
THAT'S ME BEFORE
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap...
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe, bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Added: Saturday 2nd July 2011 00:00:01
SAUNA MAGIC TRICK
Gary and John are in a sauna. Gary says to John, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
John says "Sure."
"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees" John turns around and gets down on all fours.
"There," says Gary, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"
"Yes!" Replies John
Gary waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"
Added: Friday 1st July 2011 00:00:01
GRANDMA'S IDEA
This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot spell, and finds his grand father standing in front of the air conditioner without any pants on.
Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don't have any pants on."
Grandfather says "It's your Grand mothers idea"
"Yesterday it was so hot I stood here without my shirt, and woke up with a stiff neck"
Added: Thursday 30th June 2011 06:00:02
RUBIX CUBE
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Added: Thursday 30th June 2011 00:00:01
WASHING MACHINE
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Added: Sunday 26th June 2011 18:00:01
GUESS MY AGE
A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.
She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question.
“I’d guess about 29,” she says.
“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.
Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.
“I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting my hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”
Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”
“That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”
“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 25th June 2011 12:00:02
SEXUAL SOFA
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Added: Saturday 25th June 2011 00:00:01
BLIND DATE
Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.
If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Added: Friday 24th June 2011 00:00:01
DID YOU KNOW???
Did you know that the average intercourse or lay requires 30 strokes of 6 inches or 180 inches per lay. An average woman can take 3 lays per week, 540 inches or 45 feet of penis per week. Which means she accepts 2,340 feet of peter per year. Since a mile equals 5,280 feet, we learn that a women gets approximately one half a mile of peter a year. So if your not getting your 1/2 mile. Your getting screwed out of peter and don't even know it!
Added: Wednesday 22nd June 2011 06:00:01
BIRTHDAY PRESENT
A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.
The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father.
The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!"
The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right."
At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore.
All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.
"What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father.
"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
Added: Monday 20th June 2011 18:00:01
MAN WITH FEW WORDS
Man on street asks women if she wanted to have sex. She replys back my house or yours? He replied back, if you want to argue about it forget it.
Added: Monday 20th June 2011 00:00:01
TRIANGULAR COFFINS
Why do prostitutes get buried in triangular coffins when they die?
As soon as their heads hit the pillow their legs spread.
Added: Friday 17th June 2011 00:00:01
DONATION CENTER
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Added: Thursday 16th June 2011 00:00:01
NOT YET
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs.
She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 14th June 2011 18:00:01
NEED LIGHT
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 13th June 2011 18:00:01
DEEP HEAT
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, I need something to keep me horny....keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.
In a paired voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put deep heat on that."
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 11th June 2011 18:00:01
NOT ME!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 10th June 2011 12:00:01
LESBIANS
What do lesbians do when they have their periods? Finger paint
Added: Friday 10th June 2011 00:00:01
BENEFITS OF SEX
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom.
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times.
Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.
Do not keep this message.
This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life!!!!
Added: Thursday 9th June 2011 06:00:01
PINK AND WRINKLY
a 70YEAR OLD MAN NAMED HENRY WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A 23 YEAR OLD GIRL NAMED ETHAL. ETHAL ASKED HENRY TO WASH HER RED NIGHTGOWN SO SHE COULD HAVE IT FOR THE HONEYMOONSO HE DID. AFTER HE WASHED IT HE PUT IN THE DRYER AND STARTED TO TAKE A BATH.ETHAL KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED TO ENTER SO SHE COULD GET THE CLOTHES FROM THE DRYER TO PACK FOR THE HONEYMOON.HENRY SAID YES IF YOU DONT PEEK AT ME.ETHAL OPENED THE DRYER PULLED OUT HER NIGHT GOWN AND SAID OH HENRY IT IS ALL PINK AND WRINKLY AND HENRY SAID DAMN IT ETHAL I TOLD YOU NOT TO PEEK!
Added: Tuesday 7th June 2011 18:00:01
SLOSHED WOMEN
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed.
At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home.
One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
Added: Wednesday 1st June 2011 18:00:01
DINNER DATE
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in."
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Wednesday 1st June 2011 06:00:01
THE PROM
Three men were doing they're normal "I can top you" routine. The first man says, "I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school."
The second man says, "I can to that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was."
The third man starts laughing. "You think that's going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother"
Added: Wednesday 1st June 2011 00:00:01
FORE!
A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees out of bounds on the right side.
He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball.
About 15 minutes later, a highway patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, I think it is," says the golfer.
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat, and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to avoid the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded into flames and there were no survivors."
"Oh, God," says the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?"
The policeman replies, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 31st May 2011 06:00:01
POPULAR GUY
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.
Added: Saturday 28th May 2011 18:00:01
OFF TO VEGAS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Added: Saturday 28th May 2011 12:00:01
POPULAR GUY
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.
Added: Saturday 28th May 2011 00:00:01
CAN'T WE JUST MAKE HIS LEGS LONGER?
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
Added: Thursday 26th May 2011 18:00:01
LESBIAN
Two gay men were strolling arm-in-arm along the sidewalk when a really gorgeous blonde passed them by.
She was a stunning beauty with an absolutely perfect body.
One gay remarked to the other, "You know, there's times when I almost wish I was a lesbian."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 25th May 2011 00:00:01
ANATOMY CLASS
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure." she said.
"He's at home, taking care of the kids."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 24th May 2011 06:00:01
A LESBIAN REQUEST
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian.
The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."
Added: Monday 23rd May 2011 12:00:01
PREGNANT LADY
A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.
She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.
This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.
He seemed still more amused.
When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.
She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.
When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.
"Your honor, it was like this," he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition."
"She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming.' I had to smile to myself".
"Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling.'"
"When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It,' I couldn't hold myself."
"The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,' and I laughed out loud!"
"Dismissed," said the judge.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 22nd May 2011 12:00:02
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John said to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John, "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."
Added: Sunday 22nd May 2011 06:00:01
TOO DAMNED CLOSE
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence,
'if you can read this you're too damned close' embroidered on her panties and bra.
'Yes madam,' said the assistant,
'I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?'
'Braille.' she replied.
Added: Sunday 22nd May 2011 00:00:01
I MUST TELL
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her
bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong,"
the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It
means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's
wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
Added: Saturday 21st May 2011 18:00:02
TOP 5 MEN
Top 5 men in a womans life are....
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks, "Where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says, "How do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says, "Don't take it out, you'll lose interest!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 21st May 2011 00:00:01
AAAAA
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 19th May 2011 12:00:02
THE CARD GAME
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says.
"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Added: Wednesday 18th May 2011 12:00:01
SAY WHAT!
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Added: Tuesday 17th May 2011 12:00:01
BABY LIGHT
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 16th May 2011 18:00:01
THE SPONGE
One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his mother's pussy and said "What’s that mommy?".
The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.
A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.
The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge?".
The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again..
All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge!I was looking in Mrs.Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it!"
Added: Friday 13th May 2011 00:00:01
GETTING A VASECTOMY
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkups. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."
Added: Wednesday 11th May 2011 06:00:01
SUCK IT, PLUCK IT...
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them.
Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them.
So Joe went up to the salesperson but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were.
So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms.
Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought them and left.
Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. So he went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms."
The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms..."
"...What I want to know is are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"
Added: Wednesday 11th May 2011 00:00:01
MAN SURVEY
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water...
12% said it was to go to the toilet...
83% said it was to go home!!!
Added: Sunday 8th May 2011 12:00:01
A STIFF ONE
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 8th May 2011 00:00:01
DECISION MAKING
President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco.
He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges.
Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges.
—Jay Leno
Added: Friday 6th May 2011 18:00:01
EXPENSIVE DATE
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
Added: Friday 6th May 2011 00:00:01
SMART BLONDE
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
Added: Wednesday 4th May 2011 18:00:01
DEEPER
There was a boy named Deeper. He was in kindergarden.One day at school,he told the teacher that he had to use the bathroom.Thee teacher said that he could go.He told the teacher to come with him. She said no.Deeper told her I'll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you'll get fired.So the teacher went with him.Deeper told her to go in the stall with him and take her clothes off.She said no.Deeper said I'll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you'll get fired.So the teacher did it.Deeper told her to lay down.She said no.Deeper said I'll tell mommy and mommy will tell daddy and daddy will tell the principal and you'll get fired.So she layed down.Deeper took his clothes off and layrd down on top of her.He put his penis in her vaginia.The teacher started yelling Deeper, Deeper!He said I'm tryig, I'm trying!
Added: Wednesday 4th May 2011 12:00:01
TEXAS BJ
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd May 2011 12:00:01
LOW SPERM COUNT
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd May 2011 00:00:01
MAFIA TROUBLE
What does talking to the mafia and eating pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 2nd May 2011 18:00:01
A HOLE BEHIND
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Added: Monday 2nd May 2011 00:00:01
HOW MANY WOMEN?
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."
Added: Saturday 30th April 2011 18:00:01
THAT HARD!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.'
Added: Thursday 28th April 2011 12:00:01
NUDE SUNBATHING
Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.
After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"
Added: Wednesday 27th April 2011 18:00:01
YO MAMA
yo mama reminds me of a quirl becuse she always haves nuts in her mouth
Added: Wednesday 27th April 2011 12:00:02
SHOPPING
A guy goes out to buy a pair of shoes. He sees these boots in the front window and buys them. When he went home he asked his wife if seh noticed anything different about him and he replied "no."
He asked her again, "Come on look harder. Do u notice anything different about me?"
the wife replied "no."
So we went to the bathroom and and took off all of his clothes, and only had his boots on and came out. This time he asked her a little bit louder,"DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME! she replied, "no your penus was hanging down yesterday, its hanging down today and it will hang down tomorrow!" the husband said "do you know why its hanging down? because its looking at my new boots! the wufe replied "oh you should have brought a hat instead.
Added: Tuesday 26th April 2011 18:00:01
BEST SHAG IN NY
A guy walks in to a New York bar and latches on to a gorgeous looking girl who turns out to be a hooker.
After they have chatted for a while he asks her how much she charges.
"Well, honey, you're a good looking guy, so I'll give you a hand job for $500"
The guy is taken back by this offer, "How come it's so expensive?"
"Honey" she says, "See that Rolls Royce parked outside, that's mine, bought from the proceeds of hand jobs, I'm the best there is".
The next day the guy is back in the bar to see her.
"God, he says you were good, I've been thinking about you all night and got to know, how much for a blow job?"
"As you're a good customer I'll do you for $2000 as a special offer"
"$2000, how good are you?"
"Look out of the window at that tower block, I bought that on the proceeds of giving the best blow jobs in New York"
The guy had to have her and boy was it good!!
A few days later he is back after getting a big bonus from work.
"How much to have full sex with you?, I just have too have you, name your price!"
"Honey, look out that window, you see that Island out there?" (She is pointing at Staten Island)
"Don't tell me" says the guy, "You bought that on the proceeds of being the best shag in New York".
"No, but if I'd been born a woman I would have!!"
Submitted by Scillyme
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 26th April 2011 06:00:01
HEY MASTURBATER
Hey Masturbater
(To The Tune Of Macarena)
Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stona,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nicea,
Once is not enough so I have to do it twicea,
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana,
Never shake my hand cos you don't know where its beena,
Hey Masturbata!!!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meata,
I can't get out the car cos I'm sticking to the seata,
Hey Masturbata!!!
Since I was a kid I have been a mastubater,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata,
I've looked at Miss November, now I'm gonna decorata,
Hey Masturbata!!!!
Added: Tuesday 26th April 2011 00:00:01
SOFT DRINK SALESMAN
A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company.
When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"
Added: Saturday 23rd April 2011 12:00:01
TWO DWARFS AND HOOKE
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them back to their separate hotel rooms. When they get there, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUHhhh!!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,"How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head.
"You think that's embarrassing? *I* couldn't even get on the bed!"
Added: Thursday 21st April 2011 18:00:01
NUNS CONFESSION
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"
With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
Added: Thursday 21st April 2011 12:00:01
DANCING PARTNERS
Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex.
"What are you doing?"
Johnny asks.
"Uh, well, we're dancing."
replies his mother.
"What's daddy doing?"
"He's my partner, now run along."
A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend.
"What are you doing?"
"Ummm, dancing."
"What's your boyfriend doing?"
"He's my partner, now get out of here!"
Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
"What are you doing?"
Johnny once again asks.
"Why I'm dancing."
said his grandfather.
"Well, where is your partner?"
His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."
Added: Wednesday 20th April 2011 18:00:01
WHY STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Added: Wednesday 20th April 2011 12:00:01
PUSSY VS CUNT
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm soft and wonderful and a cunt's the thing that owns it.
Added: Tuesday 19th April 2011 18:00:02
LOVING ON THE LAWN
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?"
queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Added: Tuesday 19th April 2011 12:00:01
SMALL PENIS
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 19th April 2011 06:00:01
SPEAKING WITH THE PH
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.
"I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?"
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister," she informed him.
About ten minutes later she came back.
"Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."
Added: Tuesday 19th April 2011 00:00:01
UNDERTAKER
gay guy walks into an undertakers to sort out his dead partner. How would you like your partner sir, buried or cremated ? said the undertaker. Oh, Id like him curried please said the gay guy. CURRIED ! said the undertaker, why on earth would you want your partner curried......? the gay guy looks at the undertaker and says.......I just want to feel him burn my arse one more time........
Added: Monday 18th April 2011 18:00:01
TIGHT?
A guy is finger-fucking this chick he had just met.
The girl is enjoying this very much. She asks for two fingers, and the guy inserts two fingers.
She asks for three fingers, and again the guy is willing to please.
She's screaming for the guy to insert his complete hand. The guy does it (to his amazement).
She's out of control... she then demands the second hand.
The guy can't believe it, but does it anyway.
Screeching at the top of her lungs, she begs him to start applauding in her snatch.
The guy tries but can't do it, so the girl looks at him and says: "I'm pretty tight, aren't I?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Monday 18th April 2011 00:00:02
$200 BREASTS
A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I'll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one.
He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I'll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.
She agrees and shows him the other one.
He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.
He says "great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
Added: Saturday 16th April 2011 06:00:01
PIMPLE HEAD
Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"
Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."
Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"
The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."
Added: Friday 15th April 2011 12:00:01
BAD DOCTOR
A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking
for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her
breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off
her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts
having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."
Added: Tuesday 12th April 2011 06:00:01
FREE SEX AT THE GAS
Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter.
The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.
The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight."
The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three."
As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."
The second guy, the smarter of the two, replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week."
Added: Sunday 10th April 2011 18:00:02
WONDER BRA
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Added: Sunday 10th April 2011 06:00:05
VIAGRA..GOOD FOR THE
Subject One: Oh my god they just found Bin Laden! Subject Two: Wow, thats great where was he ? Subject One: Well I guess viagra really does help the U.S.A. because they just sprayed some and the little pecker stood up.
Added: Saturday 9th April 2011 18:00:01
SHUT-UP
there were two people named Shutup and Troble. they played hide and go seek, Troble was hiding when a police came and asked "whats your name"."shutup" "whats your name" "shutup" "are you looking for trouble"!"yes."
Added: Tuesday 5th April 2011 12:00:01
GREAT HEARING
Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
'Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...'
He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?'
The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,
'Oh, it's got to be your ears!'
She's astounded.
'Why my ears? Look at these breasts!
They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?'
Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers,
'Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.'
Added: Monday 4th April 2011 12:00:01
AN AMISH GIRL
An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did.
The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did.
The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, "Yes, why?"
"Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out."
Added: Sunday 3rd April 2011 06:00:01
CLOSE ENOUGH
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 30th March 2011 12:00:01
MIDGETS GET HOOKERS
Two midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot.
To celebrate, they get two hookers and adjoining motel rooms.
That night, the first midget sits on the bed, staring at the girl, but he has no idea of what to say or do.
The situation gets worse by the sounds he hears coming from next door: "Unh! Oh! Unh! Oh!
The next morning, the first midget walks dejectedly to breakfast. "Last night was terrible," he admits to his friend. "I didn't know what to say to the hooker."
"You think that's bad." the second one says, "I couldn't even get up on the bed!"
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by calamjo
Added: Wednesday 30th March 2011 06:00:01
INTERCOURSE
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Added: Wednesday 30th March 2011 00:00:01
OLYMPIC GAMES 2012
London made its pitch to host the 2012 Olympic Games last week.
England has an unfair advantage when it comes to bribing IOC members.
Hookers are nice and cash is sweet but a dukedom is something your family will have for a thousand years.
-Argus Hamilton
Added: Tuesday 29th March 2011 12:00:01
INDIAN JOKE
Indian walks into teepee and asks squaw to take-im-off-pantys me wanna screw, squaw replies me takeum off bra too, he replies back me no wanna chewum fat, just wanna come and go.
Added: Tuesday 29th March 2011 06:00:04
INDEFINITELY
Q:What is the definition of 'indefinitely'? A:When you feel those balls on your *ss, you know he's 'indefinitely'.
Added: Monday 28th March 2011 18:00:01
DELIRIOUS
Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.
Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.
Added: Sunday 27th March 2011 00:00:01
OLDIES GETTIN KINKY
One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don't we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"
So they get to the motel and go into the room.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it's been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"
Added: Thursday 24th March 2011 18:00:01
WHO'S THIS GUY?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Added: Thursday 24th March 2011 06:00:01
SECOND HONEYMOON
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Added: Thursday 24th March 2011 00:00:01
JUST NECKING
A young couple gets caught making out in a car park buy a cop.
The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The guys says, "Officer, we're just necking."
The cop says, "Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here."
Added: Wednesday 23rd March 2011 00:00:01
A PLUS
A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Sunday 20th March 2011 18:00:01
LESBIANS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A CAN OF TUNA IN A LESBIANS POCKET? CHEW!
Added: Sunday 20th March 2011 06:00:01
COMING OR GOING?
What do a condom and a coffin have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs - only one's coming and one's going.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 20th March 2011 00:00:01
HARD LIQUOR
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Larry. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests,
'Let's name our Larry’s after a soft drink, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.'
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, 'Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry " 7 Up" because he has 7" and it's always up!'
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, 'I'm gonna name my Larry "Mountain Dew" because he can mount and do me any day of the week.'
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, 'You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry "Jack Daniels".'
The other two ladies shout in unison, "'Jack Daniels"? That's not a soft drink... that's a hard liquor!'
The third lady replies, 'That's my Larry!'
Added: Saturday 19th March 2011 06:00:01
RISE CAESAR!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"
And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
Added: Saturday 19th March 2011 00:00:01
69 FARTS
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do '69'.
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going?", she asks.
Submited by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Added: Wednesday 16th March 2011 12:00:02
PEPSI GENIE
It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."
"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.
Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!
Added: Wednesday 16th March 2011 06:00:01
JAP CARS
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"
Added: Tuesday 15th March 2011 18:00:02
GRASS SANDWICH
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Added: Tuesday 15th March 2011 06:00:01
THE FIRST HAND JOB!
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says.
"What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"
Added: Monday 14th March 2011 18:00:01
LIFE IN REVERSE
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it?
A death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
and you finish off as an orgasm.
Added: Monday 14th March 2011 00:00:01
PHYSIC PARROT
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, Iâm wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!
Added: Sunday 13th March 2011 18:00:01
WHORE MOAN
How do you make a whore moan?
Don't pay her!
Added: Thursday 10th March 2011 00:00:01
TURNING IT OFF
A little old lady with blue hair enters a sex shop and asks in a quivering voice, "Y-y-young man, d-d-do y-you s-sell d-d-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, says, "Uh, yes, ma’am, we do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart, asks, "D-do y-you have any ab-b-bout th-this l-long?"
"Yes, ma’am, we do. We have several that come in that size."
Forming her shaking fingers into a five-inch circle, she then asks, "A-are an-n-ny of th-them a-about thi-is
b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well . . . yes, there are a few of them that are about that big."
"A-and d-do a-a-ny of th-them v-v-ibra-a-ate?"
"Yes, ma’am, one of them does."
"H-how d-do y-you t-t-turn it off?"
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by calmjo
Added: Wednesday 9th March 2011 12:00:01
TAKE OFF WHAT!!!
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice.
He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 9th March 2011 00:00:01
TAKING THE PLUNGE
The Swedish Couple were applying for a marriage license. The clerk asked the gentleman his name and he replied, "Yonnie Yohnson". The clerk said, "You're Swedish, aren't you."
The man replied,"Yah".
The clerk asked the lady for her name. She replied, "Olga Olsen". The clerk said, "Oh, you have a little Swede in you, too. The lady replied, "Yah, Yonnie yust couldn't vait."
Added: Tuesday 8th March 2011 00:00:01
ANIMAL TRAINER
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.
Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.
She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"
The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
Added: Monday 7th March 2011 18:00:01
GOD'S GIFTS
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing” God told the couple, “and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.”
Adam jumped up and blurted “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please”.
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
“Fine”, God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. “What’s left here?” “Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.”
Added: Saturday 5th March 2011 18:00:01
BREAST MILK
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question:
"Name the three advantages of breast milk."
Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 5th March 2011 06:00:01
CAMPING
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 5th March 2011 00:00:01
BOOB SUCKIN GAL
One day i came home from work, when i got through gate my dog came up to me and was filled with excitment.then started to hump my leg.there was a red thing that shot out and it was down below near theese two round things.the next day i went to the vet and asked what that red thing was,the doctor said "thats his weiner" he replied.then my dog started humpin the vets arm and this thing was flopin up and down like crazy.
Added: Friday 4th March 2011 12:00:01
CAMEL IN THE DESERT
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Added: Monday 28th February 2011 00:00:01
WAGER
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see the condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five dollars, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute's member, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 27th February 2011 12:00:04
DAUGHTER'S ROOM
There was an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman sat in a bar.
The Englishman says, "I tell you what, I went into my daughter's room the other day and there was pack of cigarettes, I never knew she smoked"
The Irishman says "That's nothing, I went into my daughter's room and there was 3 bottles of whiskey, I never knew she drank"
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing I went into my daughter's room and found a packet of condoms, I never knew she had a dick!"
Submitted by e
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 27th February 2011 06:00:01
POSTMANS LAST DAY
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Saturday 26th February 2011 12:00:02
NIPPLES
'You know, honey,' the little old lady said. 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.'
'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.'
Added: Saturday 26th February 2011 06:00:01
GOLF ACCIDENT
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Added: Saturday 26th February 2011 00:00:01
MILKING IT!
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Friday 25th February 2011 06:00:01
DO THE DISHES
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.
By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
Added: Thursday 24th February 2011 18:00:01
ORAL SEX
Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the verandah of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"
Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"
Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again.
Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."
This goes on. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Added: Wednesday 23rd February 2011 06:00:02
GUYS GO GOLFING
Two guys go golfing.
One guy hits the ball into a buttercup patch.
He heard a voice coming from the patch saying that if he hit the ball out, he would never get any butter on anything for the rest of his life.
The guy is of course very freaked out and calls for his partner,"Where are you?"
His partner replied "In the pussy willows."
The first guy screams "For the love of God, don't swing!"
Editted by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 22nd February 2011 12:00:04
WRAP HIS WHOPPER
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
Added: Tuesday 22nd February 2011 00:00:01
UGLY AS WELL
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:
"Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese."
"I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're f#cking ugly as well!"
Added: Monday 21st February 2011 12:00:01
THE SWITCH
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk.
As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field.
Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.
The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch.
After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her, "Well what happened?"
She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"
"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.
"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."
Farmer Brown said, "Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 18th February 2011 06:00:01
OLD WOMEN
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A navel.
Added: Tuesday 15th February 2011 18:00:01
LIKE RIDING A BIKE!
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 15th February 2011 06:00:01
THINGS WERE TOUGHER
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"
"Good God!" said the grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 14th February 2011 18:00:01
TWO ASSHOLES
Two Iraqis went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?"
The Iraqis replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"
Added: Monday 14th February 2011 00:00:01
LIQUOR CABINET
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
Liquor Cabinet.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 12th February 2011 06:00:01
SHE'S MY WIFE
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord.
The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass.
Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car.
She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place."
"Be my guest," the guy says.
So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife."
The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
Added: Friday 11th February 2011 06:00:01
ADJUST THE CHAIR
A voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth, "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 10th February 2011 18:00:01
BOWLING AGAIN!
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Added: Wednesday 9th February 2011 18:00:02
OBSESSIONS
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 8th February 2011 00:00:01
CHERRY HILL
A substitute teacher was calling the roll and noticed three absent students.
One child came in and the sub asked "where were you?" The child answers "I was on Cherry Hill.
Another child came in and teacher asked the child the same thing and the child said "I was on Cherry Hill."
Another child came in the teacher said "Let me guess, you were on Cherry Hill." The child answered "No, I am Cherry Hill."
Added: Monday 7th February 2011 18:00:01
ONE CARAT TOO MANY
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive."
said the second young thing.
"Well... yes."
the first agreed.
"But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
Added: Saturday 5th February 2011 06:00:01
QUIT WHILE YOU'RE...
One day a couple had a child that was only a head. The parents were devastated so they placed him on the mantle piece where they could see him all the time.
The next day the couple had to do some gardening across the road and so the child sat lonely by itself.
A couple of hours later the child was crying and saying that no-one wanted it.
Out of the middle of nowhere, the child's fairy godmother appeared and said that she would grant him three wishes.
The child said that it would like a body, legs and arms.
The fairy godmother said that the child's wishes were granted.
The child jumped off the mantle piece and ran across the road to see it's parents. On the way over it got hit by a car.
What is the moral to this story? Quit while you're a head.
Added: Friday 4th February 2011 12:00:02
JACK & LEROY
Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."
Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."
Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"
Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Leroy says "Give me an example."
Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."
Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"
Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."
"And it didn't work?"
"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."
Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."
Added: Friday 4th February 2011 00:00:01
BLONDES BIRTHDAY
A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."
Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already...You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"
Added: Thursday 3rd February 2011 06:00:01
LITTLE BOY IN BANK
A woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said in a fairly loud voice, "If you don't settle down right now I will pull your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!"
With that the little boy announced, "If you spank my butt, I'll tell the whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee."
Added: Tuesday 1st February 2011 12:00:01
PUSSY ICE CREAM
Guy's walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, "Any flavored Ice Cream - $1". Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, "I want pussy-flavored ice cream."
Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. "Here's your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!"
Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. "Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!"
Clerk says, "It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir."
Guy says, "So why does it taste like shit?"
Clerk says, "Because, sir, you're taking too big of a lick."
Added: Monday 31st January 2011 18:00:01
OLD LADIES NIPPLE
One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.
The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.
Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.
"I should be dead!" she wailed.
"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"
Added: Monday 31st January 2011 06:00:01
STILL IN THE CRATE
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.
The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"
The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.
The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."
The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."
Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."
The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
Added: Sunday 30th January 2011 12:00:02
WHY YOU SO FAT?
A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.
"Tony! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.
"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."
"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."
Pop says.
Then Pop looks at his middle son.
"Fred! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.
"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."
"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."
Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"
"It's easy, Pop," John says.
"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."
"Pussy? Pussy?"
Pop says.
"That tastes like shit!"
"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."
Added: Saturday 29th January 2011 12:00:01
PANTY HOSE
Q: How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty hose?
Think about it...
A: 10 little piggies,
2 calves,
1 ass,
1 beaver,
an unknown number of hares,
and...
1 fish that no one can find!
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 28th January 2011 06:00:01
DENTIST APPOINTMENT
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman
Added: Friday 28th January 2011 00:00:01
EXPERT
A handsome construction worker considered himself quite a stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.
After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette.
His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack."
The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 27th January 2011 18:00:01
LITTLE BLACK BOOK
You can tell your getting old when all the names in your little black book end in MD!
Added: Thursday 27th January 2011 12:00:01
NICE LEGS
A bumper sticker seen on car:
nice legs.....
What time do they open?
Added: Thursday 27th January 2011 00:00:01
A FAVOR
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
Added: Wednesday 26th January 2011 18:00:01
LESBIAN/GAY
2lesbians and 2 gays checked into motel 6 one evening at the same time different rooms. what pair would leave first in the morning. Answer: The 2 gays because they got there shit packed the night before.
Added: Monday 24th January 2011 18:00:01
TWO SPOONS
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket.
Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon.
Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"
"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 23rd January 2011 06:00:01
ARE YOU THE MANAGER?
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stoking his face with both
hands.
"Actually no ..." he replied.
"Can you get him for me ... I need to speak to him," she said running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't ..." breathed the bartender "Is there anything I
can do ...?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him," the bartender managed to mumble.
"Tell him," she whispered alluringly, "there's no toilet paper - hand
soap - or paper towels in the ladies room."
Added: Saturday 22nd January 2011 12:00:01
MAGIC CREAM
A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."
The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.
Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.
He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.
The man asked him what the cream was.
The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."
Added: Thursday 20th January 2011 18:00:01
SCREAMING GIRLFRIEND
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.
Added: Wednesday 19th January 2011 18:00:01
BOY SCOUTS
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."
The lawyer says, "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest asks, "Do we have time?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 18th January 2011 12:00:01
PUSSY DICK
What did the pussy say to the dick?
Lets hook up.
Added: Tuesday 18th January 2011 06:00:01
REJECTED VALENTINES
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk / But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow / Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store / In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right / I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class / Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished / But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie / I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny / So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister / You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Added: Tuesday 18th January 2011 00:00:01
DISNEYLAND SURVEY
A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland, produced some strange results.
Mickey Mouse likes Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.
Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers Root beer.
Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.
But Snow White adores 7up.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Betty Boop
Added: Monday 17th January 2011 12:00:02
LUNCH MONEY
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch.
So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
--Jay Leno
Added: Friday 14th January 2011 18:00:01
CUTE
A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months.
They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad, she in turn is the apple of his eye.
So naturally, he's worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.
The girl opens it. "Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"
"Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.
"Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."
"Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.
"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."
"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "...great pair of tits too!"
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Thursday 13th January 2011 06:00:01
COMING S L O W L Y
Morris, a 90-year-old man, lives in a retirement home and gets a weekend pass.
He stops at his favorite bar and orders a drink.
He notices a 70-year-old woman at the other end of the
bar and he tells the bartender to buy the lovely lady a drink.
As the evening progresses, Morris joins the lady and they eventually go to her apartment, where they get it on.
Two days later, the old man notices he is developing a "drip," and he heads for the rest-home doctor.
After careful examination, the doctor asks the old man if he has engaged in sex recently.
The old man says, "Sure did!"
The doctor then asks if he could remember who the woman is and where she lives.
"Yes, but why?"
"Well you’d better get over there . . . you’re about to come."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 12th January 2011 18:00:01
WHO CAME FIRST?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 12th January 2011 06:00:01
BATTERY POWER
A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Added: Friday 7th January 2011 12:00:01
TALKING ABOUT IT
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doc, Doc, my penis has been burning lately."
And the doctor says reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 5th January 2011 00:00:01
IN THE ZOO
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny and difficult to handle and, upon examination, the zoo veterinarian found that the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy a female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution and Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Mike showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from the union.'
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Well,' said Mike, 'you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'
Added: Tuesday 4th January 2011 18:00:01
CLEAN LESBIAN
A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up. The GP does an internal examination and says, "My, you're looking pretty clean these days" The lesbian replies, "I should be, I have a woman in three times a week!"
Added: Tuesday 4th January 2011 00:00:01
IDIOT ONE LINERS
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Added: Sunday 2nd January 2011 18:00:01
TATTOO
This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh.
He had seen weirder, so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh.
After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her, "Why the turkey and Santa?"
She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 1st January 2011 18:00:01
$5 FOR A PENGUIN
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
Added: Friday 31st December 2010 12:00:01
MONEY GRAM
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.
He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."
The guy said: "No, here is $200."
Hooker responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.
Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."
Hooker says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.
Hooker says: "$100, please."
The guy slaps her and hands her $200.
Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"
Guy says: "I'm from Texas."
The hooker says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 29th December 2010 12:00:01
BEST FEATURE
Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I can hear someone coming."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns -- they are firm and do not sag and have no cellulite! Look at this skin -- no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- that was me."
Added: Tuesday 28th December 2010 12:00:01
BACK UP BOYS!
Once there was a sperm named Bob.
When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.
One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.
So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing
Added: Monday 27th December 2010 12:00:02
BRIGHT IDEA
On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.
The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.
Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."
Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."
Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"
"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.
"My Daddy eats light bulbs."
The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"
"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"
Added: Monday 27th December 2010 00:00:01
CHICKEN FARMER
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'
He gets her name, address and social security number and then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.'
The accountant baulks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.'
'No, that is still too crude. Try again.'
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm a chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!'
Added: Sunday 26th December 2010 12:00:01
YOU SEEN YOUR WIFE?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied.
"That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Added: Sunday 26th December 2010 00:00:01
UNION SHOP
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't" , said the madam.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That’s more like it!", the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madam, gesturing to a fat woman in her fifties in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Added: Saturday 25th December 2010 00:00:01
NURSE'S HELL
A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.
Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.
After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!
He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Friday 24th December 2010 18:00:01
PREMATURE
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
Added: Thursday 23rd December 2010 00:00:01
THE FAMILY
OK GET THIS. OK THERES A MOTHER,A FATHER,A SON,AND A DAUGHTER THAY WERE HAVING SOME GUESTS FOR DINNER THAT NITE THE FATHER TELLS THE SON TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND NOT TO GET CANDY SO THE LITTLE BOY IS AT THE CANDY STORE GOES UP TO THE CLERK AND SAYS"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"
THE CLERK SAYS"YES" AND HANDS HIM THE KNIFE THE SON SAID TO THE CLERK "DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?"
THE CLERK KNODS YES AND POINTS TO IT.THE BOY WENT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE KNIFE AND CUTS OF HIS DICK GETS CANDY WITH THE MONEY GETS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER ASKS THE DAUGHTER TO GO GET A PUSSY (CAT) AND TOLD HER NOT TO BUY ANY GLITER THE MOTHER GIVES HER MONEY THE DAUGHTER GOES TO THE GLITER SHOP AND ASKS THE CLERK"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"
THE CLERK SAYS "YES" AND HANDS IT TO HER THEN SHE ASKS "DO HAVE A BATHROOM?"
HE KNODES YES AND POINTS. SHE GOES IN AND CUTS OFF HER PUSSY GETS GLITER WITH THE MONEY BACK HOME THE DAD ASKS THE SON IF HE CAN GO GET MEAT BALLS AND TELLS HIM NOT TO BUY CANDY AND GIVES HIM MONEY HE GOES TO THE CANDY STORE AND WELL YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPENS BACK HOME MOMS NOW MAKING DINNER ITS CHRISTMAS AND MOM GAVE SIS HER PRESENT (THE PUSSY) DAD GIVES BRO HIS PRESENT AND ITS CANDY LATER THAT NITE THAY STARTED EATING THERE FOOD I HOPE THAY GOT WHAT THAY WANTED. THE END
Added: Wednesday 22nd December 2010 18:00:01
MOTHER'S ADVICE
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea.
The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 21st December 2010 12:00:01
HI LADIES
A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.
She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke.'
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'
Added: Tuesday 21st December 2010 06:00:01
PAINT MY HOUSE
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
Added: Sunday 19th December 2010 12:00:01
WET CAT
There was a cat and a rooster, and they were walking down the street.
The cat was the most beautiful cat in the world.
All of a sudden it stepped in a puddle and got wet.
The rooster started laughing, and even more roosters started going by the cat.
The moral of this story: Wherever there's a beautiful wet pussy, the cocks will come.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 19th December 2010 06:00:02
MAN'S WORST NIGH
Q: What is a man's worst nightmare? A: A hooker with a chipped tooth & the hiccups.
Added: Saturday 18th December 2010 18:00:02
GORILLA REMOVAL
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Added: Saturday 18th December 2010 12:00:01
NAIVE YOUNG GIRL
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.
She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.
Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.
You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."
"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"
Added: Saturday 18th December 2010 06:00:02
PUTTING OUT THE CAT
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 17th December 2010 12:00:01
LIMOS AND HEADLIGHTS
One time there was a little boy who was really dirty. so the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her. he begged and begged so his mother finally said ok! as long as he didn't look up or down. so when they got inthe shower, the little boy loked up and siad mommy what r those? the mother repied headlights! then he looked down and asked her what that was? she said that was the garage. ok the litle oy said. the next week the little boy was really dirty again but this time he took a shower with his dad. The dad said, You can as long as you don't look down . so the little boy looked down and asked what he named it? the limo said the dad! That night the litle boy had a bad dream, so he went into his parents room to see if he could sleep with them? they finally agreed to it as long as he didn't look under the covers. so after about 5 min. he looked under the covers and said mommy turn on your headlights open the garage daddys long stechy limo's commin in!
Added: Friday 17th December 2010 06:00:01
KY JELLY PLEASURE
My sister's boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, She smothered it all over the doorknobs... and he couldn't get back in.
Added: Friday 17th December 2010 00:00:01
JUMP
A young man joins the Army and signs up with the paratroopers.
He goes through training and finally goes to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he calls his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asks.
"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. A dozen men got up and jumped!"
"Is that when you went?" asks the father.
"Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asks the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped, and I was the only man left. I told the sergeant that I was too scared. He told me to get out of the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me, but I grabbed the door and refused. Finally, he called over the jump master.
He's about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?'
I said, 'Sir, I'm too scared.' So he pulled out a baseball bat and said, 'Either you jump or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
"So did you jump?" asks the father.
"Well, a little . . . at first."
Added: Thursday 16th December 2010 18:00:01
SEXUAL PROBLEMS
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
"So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.
He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.
He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other.
Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.
Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!
Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
Added: Thursday 16th December 2010 06:00:01
ZOO TIME
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me sir," says the young man "do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00" the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."
Added: Wednesday 15th December 2010 06:00:01
BOBS
Q. What do you call two gay guys named Bob?
A. Oral Roberts
Added: Sunday 12th December 2010 06:00:01
UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 7th December 2010 18:00:01
BREAKING UP
A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Added: Tuesday 7th December 2010 12:00:02
IS IT MICHAEL JACKSON
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
Added: Monday 6th December 2010 00:00:01
TRICKED HIM
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
Added: Sunday 5th December 2010 12:00:01
LITTLE JIMMY
little jimmy a grade one student was on his way home from his first day of school.When he arrived home his mom naturaly asked him "how was your day" "it was great mom" he replied "i got laid".panicked by what she just heard the mother calls jimmys father home.
when he arrives home he finds little jimmy sitting in his room "so jimmy" says his father "you had sex today"."
yes" replies jimmy "well how was it""good" says jimmy "but next time i'm going to use vasaline" "why" asks the father curiously "cause" says jimmy "my bum hurts"
Added: Sunday 5th December 2010 00:00:01
LOST OLD MAN
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'
Added: Saturday 4th December 2010 18:00:01
LITTLE GIRL
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the penis.
'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.
'I want one,' said the child.
The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'
'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.
'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'
Added: Saturday 4th December 2010 06:00:01
O.J'S THANKSGIVING
Why was OJ's mom happy that OJ got out of jail before Thanksgiving?
He was the only one in the family that could carve white meat.
Added: Saturday 4th December 2010 00:00:01
WHAT'S FOR LUNCH
The recently married couple split up shortly after the wedding. The trouble started when the husband arrived home from work and found his new wife lying naked on the couch.
"What's for dinner?" he asked.
"Pussy," she replied.
"Damn," the husband spat. "That's what I had for lunch."
Added: Wednesday 1st December 2010 18:00:01
PERFECT DIET
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories
ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 30th November 2010 12:00:01
GRASS SANDWICH
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Added: Tuesday 30th November 2010 00:00:01
BARFING
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
Added: Sunday 28th November 2010 18:00:01
HAIR IN SOUP
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.
"What's this?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not paying for it!" and he storms out...
The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.
The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!" the waitress yells.
He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER!!!!!"
Added: Saturday 27th November 2010 06:00:01
WEDDING DANCE
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."
Added: Friday 26th November 2010 06:00:01
MISSING THE TARGET
A young woman said to her friend: "I didn't realize that sex could be so painful!" "Why was he THAT big?"
exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard missed the target by about an inch!"
Added: Wednesday 24th November 2010 06:00:01
PICKUP LINES
'The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word...'
'Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?'
'I like every bone in your body especially mine... '
'My face is leaving in 15 minutes be on it...'
'Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?'
'I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock...'
'Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them?'
'When does your centerfold come out?'
'So do ya wanna see something really swell?'
'Is your name Gillette? Because you're the best a man can get...'
'You're like Pringles once I pop you, I can't stop you...'
'You have great legs, what time do they open?'
'If you were a car door, I would slam you all night long...'
Added: Tuesday 23rd November 2010 18:00:01
PRETTY PUSSY
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office.
The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.
Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th November 2010 06:00:01
ROOSTER AND THE CAT
Answer these questions to the best of your ability:
1. How many eyes does a rooster have?
2. How many legs does a rooster have?
3. How many beaks does a rooster have?
4. And finally, how many whiskers does a cat have?
OK now that you've answered all these questions to the best of your ability ask yourself this...
why is it you know so much about cock and nothing about pussy?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Wednesday 17th November 2010 12:00:01
SEX IN THE JUNGLE
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 16th November 2010 18:00:01
ALWAYS BEEN A DOUBT
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
"So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?"
says the man.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Added: Tuesday 16th November 2010 06:00:01
GOOD VS BAD GIRLS
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Added: Sunday 14th November 2010 18:00:01
FIRST VISIT
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
Added: Sunday 14th November 2010 06:00:01
CAME IN MY PANTS
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Added: Saturday 13th November 2010 12:00:02
MULTI MILLIONAIRES
A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."
His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars."
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".
"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"
His dad told him, "There you go."
His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."
" Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."
Added: Thursday 11th November 2010 12:00:01
THE EVENING'S JU
SOn their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.
"Oh. it's not over yet", says he.
Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"
"Aspirin", says he.
"But I don't have a headache," says she.
"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he.
Added: Wednesday 10th November 2010 00:00:01
3 OF THEM ARE DEAD
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse.'"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 9th November 2010 12:00:01
ANIMAL ORGASMS
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
Added: Sunday 7th November 2010 00:00:01
GETTING WEIGHED
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
Added: Friday 5th November 2010 06:00:02
TOYSTORY SEX
why didnt the pig in toy story wanna have sex? his cork kept falling off!!!!
Added: Thursday 4th November 2010 00:00:01
HOW SOON?
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital,and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine.The younger man said,I guess you have been here a few times, Yes, said the older man. The young man said, "how long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?
The older guy said,"It depends if she's in a public ward or a private ward!!!!
Added: Tuesday 2nd November 2010 12:00:02
KICK THE CAT
Little boy had a bad day at school, stomping through the yard he kicks the cow, after a few more steps he kicks a pig.
His mother watching said " Young man, just for that you don't get any beef or pork for a week!"
Just then his father comes up to the porch, going up the steps the dad kicks the cat.
The little boy turns to his mother and asks, "Are you going to tell him or should I??
Submitted by Curtis
Added: Sunday 31st October 2010 00:00:01
EASILY EXPLAINED
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Added: Saturday 30th October 2010 06:00:01
PRINCIPAL & TEACHER
There was a rumor going around school that a married teacher was having sex with the principal.
So one day Kelly, Rob, John, and Crystal stayed after school to see if it was true. Once everyone left they searched the school.
(1 hour later)
Disappointed there was no sign the rumors were true.
Then they heard noises coming from the principal's office. They were shocked to see Mrs. Frolly and the principle having sex on the desk.
Even more surprisingly the principal was Miss. Cottlin
Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 28th October 2010 18:00:01
CHICKEN
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 27th October 2010 12:00:01
PECKERWOODS
A peckerwood came down from california to visit his cousin in tennessee. They talked a while and the one from Tennessee told his cousin about the trees there that were so hard no peckerwood around could put a dent in it. The California peckerwood didn't believe his cousin and asked him to show him the tree. So the two peckerwoods went to the tree and the Tennessee peckerwood tried once again and couldn't make a dent in the Tennessee tree. So the California peckerwood flys to the top and puts holes all in the Tennessee tree. The California peckerwood told his cousin about the ones in California that were harder than that and no peckerwood around could put a whole in it. The Tennesse peckerwood insisted to fly to California to see the hard tree b/c he didn't believe no tree was harder than the one in Tennessee. They got to California and the California peckerwood flys to the top and trys again but he can't even make a dent in the tree. So the Tennessee peckerwood flys to the top and just puts holes all in the tree. You know what the moral of this story is?.... The further away from home you get the harder your pecker is.
Added: Monday 25th October 2010 18:00:01
JINX
After 35 years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed.
With a tear in his eye, he says, "Annabelle, before I die, I have to tell you something.
The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health."
She nods her head solemnly as he continues. "And when I lost half my family in a car crash, you were by my side.
When our children grew up and left our home, you sat with me. And when I lost everything in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabelle, you've always been there through all the bad times."
"Yes, I have," says Annabelle.
"So before I die, I just want you to know: You're a fucking jinx!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 25th October 2010 12:00:01
FAIRGROUND SEX
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and hug bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and have rampant nookie.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Added: Sunday 24th October 2010 12:00:01
MEDICAL CONDITION
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you’re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen.
If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Added: Sunday 24th October 2010 00:00:01
FAIRGROUND REVIVAL
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on.
"Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says.
"That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons
Added: Friday 22nd October 2010 18:00:01
NOT BAD HUH?
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank," the woman replies "it's a sperm bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks it. "Now take another bottle and drink it!"
"But sir, I just drank one."
"Drink another one or I will shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 22nd October 2010 00:00:01
IN THE RESTAURANT
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, 'What the hell do you guys think you're doing?'
One of the Japanese men says, 'We are all berry hungry.'
The waitress says, 'So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?'
Another businessman replies,
'Because menu say, first come first served.'
Added: Thursday 21st October 2010 12:00:01
FIREMAN
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
Added: Thursday 21st October 2010 00:00:01
10 WAYS TO GET FIRED
Whenever answering the phone, and its for your boss, say "He's under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?"
Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the office, regardless of the temperature.
When your boss is on the phone scream, "Dammit! I'm expecting a call!! Stay off the phone!!"
If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment. Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get the authorites involved. Threaten to sue.
Sleep with your boss's daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies around the office. Brag about how easy she was.
Steal various office equipment, (pencils, staplers, desks) frame your boss for it.
When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue this for five minutes. Calm down and say, "Oh, you were being serious?"
Loosen the bolts on the boss's chair.
Laugh loudly when he/she falls down. Play innocent.
Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has no point whatsoever.
Send a dozen roses to your boss's house when their spouse is home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her how their evening was. Be obvious.
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 20th October 2010 18:00:01
LIGHTBULB
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 19th October 2010 18:00:01
DEAR JOHN LETTER
This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter.
Humor in the face of defeat.
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
Added: Tuesday 19th October 2010 12:00:01
HOW MANY WOMEN
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Added: Friday 15th October 2010 18:00:02
GREAT VIEW
A general store owner hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
'I'd like some raisin bread, please,' the man says politely.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the assistant retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down.
After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated.
She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing among the throng. 'Is yours raisin too?' The assistant yells testily.
'No,' croaks the old man, 'but it's starting to twitch.'
Added: Friday 15th October 2010 12:00:01
TWENTY BUCKS
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Added: Thursday 14th October 2010 06:00:01
FIRM THIS UP
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
Added: Tuesday 12th October 2010 00:00:01
SANTA'S CHILDREN
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
Because he only comes once a year.. and that's down a chimney.
Added: Monday 11th October 2010 18:00:01
MICHAEL WAS A VIRGIN
Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35. --Jay Leno
Added: Monday 11th October 2010 00:00:02
FIREMAN SEX
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great."
"When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear."
"When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck."
"When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, "We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!"
"When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked."
"When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed".
"When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready?"
"Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
Added: Sunday 10th October 2010 18:00:01
WEDDING NIGHT MISUND
A Polish guy has never had sex, and he gets into bed on his wedding night. His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."
She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"
He says, "Yeah...you want the whole friggin' bed to yourself!"
Added: Sunday 10th October 2010 12:00:02
NIGHT OF THE LIVING
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.
"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman.
"He said heal, not raise the dead!"
Added: Sunday 10th October 2010 06:00:02
LIKE A DOG
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office." he replied, "Working like a dog."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 6th October 2010 12:00:01
JACK SCHITT
Who is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Added: Monday 4th October 2010 00:00:01
FUCKING MACHINE
A man was going away on a trip for work. Before he left he stopped at an Adult Toy store to pick up something for his wife while he was away because she was a sex-aholic.
He didnt want her fucking just any guy so when he went into the store he told the clerk his issue.
The man said "I have just what you need".
He went to the back and brought out a large green box. "This is my little green fucking machine. It never tires and it will "DO" whatever you want it to. Just say "Little Green Fucking Machine", and whatever you want it to fuck and when you are done just say little green fucking machine off. It wont stop til it's off".
So the man bought the toy and went home to show his wife. She was very amused and decided to use it no more than 5 minutes after he left.
"Little green phucking machine....me". She and the machine went at it for 4 or 5 hours.
When she was done she realized she didn't remember the command to turn it off. So she threw it off of her and ran away....butt naked.
A neighbor saw the woman running in the nude and called the police.
When the police officer stopped the woman about a mile down the road she told him the whole story.
When she was through the officer laughed and replied "little green phucking machine my ass".
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtius
Added: Sunday 3rd October 2010 12:00:01
ORANGE COLOR
Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 1st October 2010 00:00:01
SEXUAL SOFA
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Added: Wednesday 29th September 2010 18:00:01
THE FRUITS OF LOVE
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.
The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers. The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?"
"Yes, we're fine," the man answered. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
Added: Wednesday 29th September 2010 12:00:01
SPEEDING
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
Added: Wednesday 29th September 2010 00:00:01
OBSERVATION
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.
His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Added: Tuesday 28th September 2010 12:00:01
LOOKS GOOD...
There is this guy named Leon.
One day Leon decided to go for walk.
He runs into his old neighbor Joe.
"Hey Leon yous looking good" Joe says.
"I feels good" said Leon
"But Leon you smells bad" said Joe
Well Leon kept on going, he then ran into his preacher.
"Hey Leon yous looking good" said The preacher.
"I feels good" said Leon.
"But Leon you smells bad" said the preacher.
"That is what Joe said earlier, I think I will go to the doctors".
Well Leon goes to the doctors.
"You looks good Leon" said the doc.
"I feels good" said Leon.
"But you smells bad Leon" said the doc.
"That's why I am here" said Leon.
Ok the doc got his book, "Looks good, feels good, smells good, nope thats not it"
"Looks good, feels bad, smells good, nope thats not it either"
"Here it is looks good, feels good, smells bad"
"Well Leon, I hate to break it to you, but you are a pussy"
Added: Tuesday 28th September 2010 06:00:01
MOMMIE WHY?.........
One day a little boy went up to his mother and asked her, "Mom how old are you"? all she said was oh you dont need to know that right now. So the little boy aked another question.
"Mom how much do you weight"? Again she said you dont need to know that right know that right now. So then the little boy asked "Mommie why did you and dad get a divorce"? And her responce was the same. The next day the little boy came up to his mom again and say oh mommie I found your drivers licence. I know how much you weight now. The mother asked how much and the little boy said 150. Then he said and i know how old you are. your 45. Then he said and i now know why you and daddy got a divorce. She said oh ya. He said because you got an F in sex!
Added: Sunday 26th September 2010 18:00:01
DUCT TAPE
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Added: Friday 24th September 2010 18:00:01
LOST IT
A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand, and his member hanging out when he sees a cop.
He says, "Officer, Officer somebody stole my car," gesturing with his keys.
The officer says, "Where did you have it?"
The drunk says, "On the end of this key."
The policeman notices that the drunk's member is hanging out and tells him, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The drunk looks down and sees his tool protruding from his pants zipper and says, "Shee-it! They got my girlfriend too."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 24th September 2010 06:00:02
IN THE HOTEL LOBBY
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Added: Thursday 23rd September 2010 18:00:01
YOUR MAMA
your mama ate me you know why because i was looking good
Added: Wednesday 22nd September 2010 22:49:14
MAKING BABIES
A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question". Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?
The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.
The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint...that the sperm came out of the man's penis.
Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??"
Added: Wednesday 22nd September 2010 20:09:41
BARBER SHOP
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says,
'About two hours.'
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says,
'About two hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says,
'About an hour and a half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
'Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.'
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks,
'Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?'
Bill looks at him and says,
'To your house.'
Added: Saturday 18th September 2010 18:00:01
NEVER SAY AFTER SEX
1.) "I was kidding about being sterile, you
know."
2.) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3.) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4.) "You've done this with a lotta guys before...right?"
5.) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6.) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7.) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8.) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9.) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10.) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11.) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
12.) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13.) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14.) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15.) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16.) "I've been getting these little blisters lately......."
17.) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18.) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 18th September 2010 12:00:01
NO BEATING AROUND TH
No Beating Around The Bush
Gee Miss., I know I haven't know you for a very long time, and I shouldn't be asking this so soon. But, I really do need it very badly. I haven't had any in a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me, no one would ever need to know. I an sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and really need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but, I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking all the juices out until it's dry. It has been on my mind all day and, Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush no more... Can I have a piece of your gum?
Added: Saturday 18th September 2010 00:00:01
HEAVEN'S CAR
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 17th September 2010 06:00:01
TAKING THE EDGE OFF
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and
coffee to
follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl
of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she
inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a
steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty
stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes."
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge
off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm
starving!"
Added: Thursday 16th September 2010 12:00:01
DUCK IN DRUG STORE
So anyway, this duck walks into a drugstore and says, " Give me some Chap stick and put it on my bill".
Same duck walks into the same drugstore and says, " Give me a condom."
To which the druggist replies
"Do you want that on your bill?"
The duck says "No, I'm not that kind of duck."
Added: Wednesday 15th September 2010 12:00:02
OLD AND 17 YR OLD
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him.
"A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Added: Tuesday 14th September 2010 06:00:02
BUNGEE JUMPING
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
Added: Monday 13th September 2010 18:00:01
PRICELESS
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 12th September 2010 18:00:02
PIE
What's really good on cherry pie and really bad on pussy?
Crust!
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by yisman
Added: Friday 10th September 2010 00:00:01
DADDY DADDY!
An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
The dad says, "No, I cant tell you that! You're too young!" The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."
So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see that? That's a pussy!" The son asks, "Oooo! Can I pat it?"
The father reply's, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"
Added: Thursday 9th September 2010 18:00:01
WEIGHING PIGS
A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one.
He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.
"How about that one?"
"OK, replies the farmer."
The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."
"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?"
"Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds."
The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer.
"Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
"Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."
Added: Wednesday 8th September 2010 12:00:01
WOMENS PANTYS
What do you call stains in a womens pantys. Answer. Clitty liter
Added: Sunday 5th September 2010 06:00:01
HONEY I'M HOME
Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!"
Added: Saturday 4th September 2010 06:00:01
HALF NAKED
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?"
he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"
he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well last week i sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.. This was your Grandma's idea!!"
Added: Saturday 4th September 2010 00:00:01
MATHS
The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 2nd September 2010 06:00:01
CORRECTION
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing
Added: Monday 30th August 2010 12:00:01
BEST FRIENDS
After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
Added: Saturday 28th August 2010 18:00:01
CAMEL IN DESERT
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
Added: Thursday 26th August 2010 18:00:01
SWIM
What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Swim!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 26th August 2010 12:00:01
PECKER FALLING OFF
On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to his doctor, “Doctor Jones”, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.'
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.'
Added: Tuesday 24th August 2010 00:00:01
MICHAEL JACKSON
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common? -They both like sticking their meat in 8-year old buns
Added: Monday 23rd August 2010 06:00:01
CARD SWIPE
Three men walked into a strip bar, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of a strippers butt.
The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt.
The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
Added: Monday 23rd August 2010 00:00:01
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.
Added: Friday 20th August 2010 00:00:01
FARMER AND MULE
A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California. Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome.
This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well.
After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says
"Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!"
So he says to her; "Could you hold that mule for me?"
Added: Thursday 19th August 2010 12:00:01
MISTRESS, PROSTITUE.
What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?
The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"
The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis and calamjo
Added: Tuesday 17th August 2010 18:00:01
MEN ARE MEN!!
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 14th August 2010 12:00:01
RED HAIRED BABY
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "its just rust."
Added: Friday 13th August 2010 18:00:01
WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE
Guy: If i saw u naked I'd die happy.. Girl: If i saw you naked I'd die laughing!!
Added: Thursday 12th August 2010 18:00:01
GRILLING REMARKS
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Added: Thursday 12th August 2010 12:00:01
SLIP THROUGH
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
Added: Tuesday 10th August 2010 06:00:01
DUALITY
Young couple makes love on a deserted beach. A young monk accidentally passes by. He can't help thinking about the love scene:"It makes me sick!" His lisping member stands: "It maketh me thick! (illustration available)
Added: Monday 9th August 2010 06:00:01
SPOT
A young man finally agrees to meet the parents of the young woman he's been dating.
But by the time he gets to their house, his nerves have put him in a state of gastric distress.
The problem develops into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner he realizes he can't hold it in a second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escapes.
"Spot!" the girlfriend's mother calls to the family dog, who is lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved that the dog took the blame, he lets a slightly larger one slip out.
"Spot!" she calls sharply. The young man thinks he's got it made and decides to let a big one go, which he believes will put an end to his problem.
"Spot!!!" shrieks the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 9th August 2010 00:00:02
SEX MANIAC
Dear Dr. Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem. I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years and I can't take it anymore.
He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL!
I would like to know if there is anything that ucnnhlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl isnt';dk
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 7th August 2010 12:00:01
WHO DRIVES YOU?
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Added: Saturday 7th August 2010 06:00:01
2 KIDS...
I've got something you don't have!" A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!"
The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is."
They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!"
The girl said "He can not!"
The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins.
The girl says "Oh gosh, he can."
They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!"
The little girl says "Do not!"
The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her.
The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face.
The little boy says "What are you so happy about?"
The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
Added: Tuesday 3rd August 2010 12:00:01
S & M
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says, "It's ok, we get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast, "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that!!"
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 1st August 2010 18:00:02
LITTLE RED RIDING HO
Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.
One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!"
Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 18:00:01
A1 LASSY
A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer.
He then went to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens.
He didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand and hold each chicken under you arms.
He did this and started to walk home. Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging out of a low cut dress.
She looked lost. He asked "Lassy can I help you, you look lost?"
She replied, "I am, I'm looking for my Uncle Mr. Simms.
The farmer said, "Why he's my neighbor, follow me there."
So off they went, he was getting tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?"
"Now how can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and chickens I carry?" he said.
She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground, the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and I'll hold the chickens!"
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 00:00:02
HOLE BEHIND YOU
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 18:00:01
TOAST
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.
So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 00:00:01
COME TO ME
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying: "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 00:00:02
SCERDRIVER
What did the screw say to the screwdriver?
Scew me now!
Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 18:00:01
COFFIN AND CONDOMS,
how are coffins and a rubber not alike? when you cum in and one you go in.
How are coffins and robbers not alike?
One you cum in One you go in.
Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 00:00:02
TOY STORY SEX
In Toy Story, why didn't the pig want to have sex?
His cork fell out!
Added: Sunday 25th July 2010 12:00:01
BAD GUMS
There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.
The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.
So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father's advice.
Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.
So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.
He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.
Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.
They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.
"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."
So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.
"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 24th July 2010 12:00:01
I'M COMMING
A small boy walks into his mother's room and inadvertently catches her topless.
'Mummy, Mummy, what are those?' he says, pointing to her breasts.
'Well, son,' she says, 'these are... er, balloons. And when I die, they inflate and float me up to heaven.'
Incredibly, the boy appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later, while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
'Mummy, Mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!'
'What do you mean?' asks his mother.
Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Daddy's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
'God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!'
Added: Saturday 24th July 2010 06:00:01
EGG PROBLEMS
What are 3 problems about being an egg?
You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 23rd July 2010 18:00:01
BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE
Blowjob Etiquette
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV...etc.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
Added: Thursday 22nd July 2010 06:00:01
47 REASONS NOT TO HA
Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex
1. The pitter patter of little feet
2. Never let 'em see you sweat
3. Your parents might realise that you're not 12 years old anymore
4. Naked men
5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT
6. You might like it
7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas
8. Paying back oral sex debts
9. Only pagans procreate
10. Castration
11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love
12. Body hair
13. Too many lights on in the room
14. Your roommate and neighbours can't sleep with all that screaming
15. Axl Rose
16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there's no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases
17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album
18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law
19. Utah Abortion Law
20. Alabama Abortion Law
21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit
22. Yeast infections
23. Too sticky
24. Messes up your hair
25. Charley-horses
26. Bladder infections
27. Cher
28. "It's only a cold sore"
29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it's not private)
30. Hetero men who ask, "Did you come yet?"
31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot
32. Taking off the jimmy-hat
33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks
34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation
35. Smegma
36. You still live with your parents
37. You love her but you're not *in love* with her
38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body
39. Drooling
40. Letters to the Editor
41. Calling out the wrong name
42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you're a Kennedy)
43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00
44. No one to have sex with
45. Carpet burn
46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you !
47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him !
Added: Thursday 22nd July 2010 00:00:01
MOVIE COMPARISION
What's the worst movie a man can be compared to?
Gone in 60 Seconds or Less
Added: Tuesday 20th July 2010 12:00:01
LITTLE PACKAGE
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."
"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 20th July 2010 06:00:01
BIG GUY SEX
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
Added: Sunday 18th July 2010 18:00:01
SEAL
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 18th July 2010 06:00:01
I'M NOT SAYING S
I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S EASY, BUT...
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Channel Tunnel.
Added: Friday 16th July 2010 06:00:01
THE FENCE
an eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.
"Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned somthing about life that he diden't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says,
" fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
Added: Wednesday 14th July 2010 12:00:01
GREATEST BREASTS
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Added: Monday 12th July 2010 18:00:01
GOT MILK?
What did Mike Tyson say after he bit Holyfield's ear?
Got milk?
Added: Sunday 11th July 2010 18:00:02
LIFE BAD?
So you think your life is bad?
Just think how the life of an egg is.
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was...your mother!!
Added: Sunday 11th July 2010 06:00:01
HOLD THE CHICKENS
One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey thanks!" the farmer said and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley; we'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens...."
Submitted by calamjo
Editted by curtis
Added: Saturday 10th July 2010 18:00:01
MOTH EXTERMINATOR
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
Added: Saturday 10th July 2010 00:00:01
PEANUT IN THE EAR
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Added: Tuesday 6th July 2010 06:00:01
THE YOUNG PRIEST
One afternoon the old catholic priest was teaching a younger priest how to do confessions. The young priest was not comfortable doing it and had no clue what he was doing. The older priest told the young priest "you are on your own for a minute I have to use the restroom."
The young priest replied "but i do not know what I am doing I will screw it up!" The older priest told the younger priest he has a cheat sheet in the confesion room so he has no worries. The younger priest told him ok just hurry up. After a few moment a young man came in and confessed to cheating on his wife. The young priest looks on the cheat sheet and find adultry and tell the young man to do 100 hail marys and he will be forgiven. After a moment later a young women came in and said that she gave her had sex with her boyfriend. The young priest looks on the cheat sheet and finds premarital sex and tell the young women to say 75 hail marys and she will be forgiven. A minute later a teenage girl came in and confessed that she gave her boyfriend a blow-job. The priest looked on the cheat sheet and could not find any thing that had to do with oral sex. Panicing he told the teenage to hold on and ran out of the room and found the nearest candle boy. The young priest runs up to the young man and askes "What does the head priest usually give for a blow job?"
The young candle boy replies "Oh about five dollars and a candy bar."
Added: Saturday 3rd July 2010 00:00:01
WRONG SPRAY
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination.
The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your Feminine Deodorant Spray this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
With that a little Granddaughter said, "That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray Gran!"
Added: Friday 2nd July 2010 18:00:02
OSAMA BIN LADEN'
One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: "I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!"
Added: Friday 2nd July 2010 12:00:01
SEXUAL REQUEST
Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he got near her, she ran away from him.
One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request in her ear.
To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that night.
"If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away from me?"
"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra towel!"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 2nd July 2010 00:00:01
HUSBAND CLIMAXES
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
Added: Wednesday 30th June 2010 18:00:01
PLAYING AROUND
One day, this guy who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
'It's certainly not a ship,' he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes
this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks,
'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says,
'Man oh man. Is that ever good.'
She then asks him,
'How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?'
Trembling, he replies,
'Ten years.'
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says,
'Wow, that's absolutely fantastic.'
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at him seductively and asks,
'And how long has it been since you've played around?'
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,
'Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!'
Added: Tuesday 29th June 2010 18:00:01
SANTA'S OFFER
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She said "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Added: Monday 28th June 2010 18:00:01
MAN MY LIFE SUCKS
A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 27th June 2010 18:00:01
CHANGED NAME
Did you know that Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia and changed her name?
She now goes by the name of Ivana Cutchacokov.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 27th June 2010 12:00:01
IN THE FAMILY
For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed to score with the landlord's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin', and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by dolly04
Added: Saturday 26th June 2010 18:00:01
CIGARETTE?
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size.
He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when him and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 26th June 2010 00:00:01
WORM TALK
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course."
"Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.
She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets drenched.
He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"
Added: Wednesday 23rd June 2010 12:00:01
RUMOR MILL
Nina and Rosey, two old friends are having coffee when Nina says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive," said Rosey.
Nina said, "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
Rosey replied, "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
Nina then said, "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
Rosey rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Added: Saturday 19th June 2010 06:00:02
GREAT BLOW JOB
You know you've had a good blow job when...
1) You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done.
2) Your pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.
3) The head of your pecker is twice the size of your balls.
Added: Friday 18th June 2010 06:00:01
LESBIAN SHOE
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Added: Wednesday 16th June 2010 00:00:01
ASK THE DOCTOR
A woman pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"
To which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Tuesday 15th June 2010 12:00:02
GIFT WRAPPING
While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present
tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny. "They're the gift wrapping."
Added: Saturday 12th June 2010 00:00:01
A GIFT FOR HIS LADY
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday.
As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 11th June 2010 00:00:01
VOCABULARY DAY
There was a class and each student had to go up to the front of the room and say a sentence using one of their spelling words.
First Juan goes up and his word was love, so he says, "Sara says she loves me."
Then it's Chase's turn, his word is hate, so he goes up and says, "Sara says she hates me."
Then it's Chris's turn, his word is dictate, so he goes up to the front of the class and says, "Sara says my dictate good."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
Added: Sunday 6th June 2010 12:00:01
YOUNG PUNK
A young punk gets on the bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next 10 minutes.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man,
'What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?'
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
'Yeah, back when I was young and in the navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought that maybe you were my son!'
Added: Friday 4th June 2010 18:00:02
DRIVING IN FOG
What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing?
When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Added: Tuesday 1st June 2010 06:00:01
VAMPIRE LESBIANS
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.
Added: Sunday 30th May 2010 18:00:01
DICKS,WILLYS,PENUS,P
a man said 2 a girl suck my dick she said suck my penus and he laughed then he said suck my penus so she walked up to him pulled his pants + underwear and she sucked them so never say suck my dick suck my penus or they might do it
Added: Sunday 30th May 2010 12:00:01
DISABLED SWIMMERS
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts... "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f#cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Added: Saturday 29th May 2010 18:00:01
HEAVEN AND HELL
Jeff and Mike were in an accident and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter.
"You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."
Added: Saturday 29th May 2010 12:00:01
ALL FOR FREE
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Added: Friday 28th May 2010 00:00:02
DOGS CAN DO IT
Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick.
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first."
Added: Wednesday 26th May 2010 12:00:01
TEACHING MATHS
Q:how do you teach a blonde maths
A: add a bed, minus her clothes, divide her legs, insert your square route, leave your solution and hope she doesnt multiply.
Added: Wednesday 26th May 2010 06:00:01
NEW MAID
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning she comments how lovely it looks.
The new maid pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
Added: Tuesday 25th May 2010 12:00:01
BIGGEST SHE'S SEEN
A man and his wife both come home looking glum..
"What's up with you" he says...
"Never mind me, what's up with you?" she replies
"Well ...I've been made redundant".
"Oh my god!..... so have I" she says. "What WILL we do?.. we've just taken on this HUGE mortgage!"
"Well...there's only one thing for it... you'll have to go on the streets until we get work" says he.
"But I've never been a prostitute...how will I know what to do?" she moans.
"Don't worry" he says, "I'll be your pimp.....get your kit on and let's go up to Soho".
"Now you stand on this street corner and I'll hide in this doorway...if you need help just come and ask".
"OK." she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited)
A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window...."How much for full sex love?"
"Hold a minute" she says.... She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag.
"This man wants full sex" she whispers to her husband..."how much?"
"Tell him £70." replies hubby. She hobbles back to the car...."£70 for full sex Mister."
"Good god I can't afford that!.. I've only got £30 on me and I don't get paid 'til Friday....what will I get for £30?"
"Hang on a mo." she says and hobbles back round the corner.
"He's only got £30.. what can I do for that?"
"Oh...a blow job only then" says hubby "and make it quick."
She totters back..."a blow job only."
"Jeez" says Jaguar man..."still I'm desperate...let's get in the back seat"
They get in the back and she undoes his fly.......out pops the BIGGEST one she's ever seen...it's huge!
"Oooooh!" she exclaims...."hold on a minute" she says and gets out of the car...
She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband..."Couldn't you lend this man £40 until Friday?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Added: Sunday 23rd May 2010 18:00:01
WHY DICKS SUCK
Why it sucks being a dick!
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Saturday 22nd May 2010 06:00:01
THE TROUSER SNAKE
=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world
=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Added: Friday 21st May 2010 06:00:01
NEW HOOKER
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?"
they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
With a big smile on her face, she said.
"I loaned him $75!"
Added: Tuesday 18th May 2010 06:00:01
NICE ASS
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 16th May 2010 12:00:02
MEDICAL ETHICS
A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor;
"Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."
Added: Sunday 16th May 2010 00:00:01
ADAM AND EVE
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair.
And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise.
They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control.
Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside.
The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you.
So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!
Added: Friday 14th May 2010 12:00:01
ASHLEY ANN FULLER AN
My neighbor is a BLONDE! HEr name is Ashley Fuller! well my little sister was saying right before Christmas "Ashley, Do you belive in Santa Claus?"
Ashley (14) said "Of course Megan, I do!" Then my little sister came home and told me what she found out... I then walked over to Ashley's house and go "GIRL u r 14 how can u STILL belive in Santa????"
she siad "well unlike your house Santa comes to my house every night.. I dont leave him MILk .. we crate white stuff!
Added: Friday 14th May 2010 06:00:01
MICHELLE
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.
"I'm a snail," the bloke replied.
The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
The bloke replied. "That's Michelle."
Added: Thursday 13th May 2010 12:00:01
WHO'S THE FATHER
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.
"All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."
Later that night her voice rang down the stairs.
"Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."
"I should hope so !" the Mother responded.
"The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."
"Chill Mom."
the girl said.
"I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."
Added: Thursday 13th May 2010 06:00:01
YO DADDYS SO BALD
Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.
Added: Wednesday 12th May 2010 06:00:01
LUCKY!
A newly married Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.
The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.
The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
Added: Saturday 8th May 2010 00:00:01
FOOT FETISH
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 3rd May 2010 18:00:01
SPORT PREFERENCES
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 3rd May 2010 06:00:01
RUBIX CUBE
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 3rd May 2010 00:00:01
COFFIN AND CONDOMS
How is a coffin and a condom alike?
They both hold stiffs.
Added: Friday 30th April 2010 18:00:01
WHAT MEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Added: Thursday 29th April 2010 12:00:01
WHILE THE CATS AWAY!
As the door is opened, the travelling salesman is shocked to see a little lad, standing there in a silk dressing gown, cigar in one hand, glass of whiskey in the other.
Looking further into the house, a prostitute is laying spent across the couch!
"Er, hello young man," he manages to stammer, "is your mommy or daddy home?"
Little Johnny looks at him increduously, "Does it fucking look like it?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Wednesday 28th April 2010 18:00:01
WHEN DID YOU REALISE
"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realise that you were in love with me?"
"Well, I suppose.."
whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay."
Added: Saturday 24th April 2010 06:00:01
STRANDED
There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert - Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.
They have been there for one week when they finally come across a dead camel.
The Man United players say 'As we're
Manchester United, we'll have the chest.'
The Liverpool players say 'As we're LIVERpool, we'll have the liver.'
'We're not hungry,' say the Arsenal players.
Added: Friday 23rd April 2010 18:00:01
SEX ADDICT
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife”
“ TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary”.
“TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute”.
"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
Added: Friday 23rd April 2010 06:00:01
STARTING EARLY
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?"
he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer.
"I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
Added: Friday 23rd April 2010 00:00:01
PLAYING MAGIC
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and have sex and then you disappear."
Added: Thursday 22nd April 2010 18:00:01
TURNER BROWN
A small white guy goes into an elevator and the only other passenger is a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says, '2.5 m tall, 130 kg, 40 cm dick, 1.5 kg left ball, 1.5 kg right ball, Turner Brown.'
The small white guy faints.
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy, 'What's wrong?'
The small white guy says, 'Excuse me, but what did you say?'
The big black dude looks down and says, '2.5 m tall, 130 kg, 40 cm dick, 1.5 kg left ball, 1.5 kg right ball, Turner Brown.'
The small white guy says, 'Thank God. I thought you said, "turn around".'
Added: Thursday 22nd April 2010 06:00:01
FAT HEAD
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says I'll have a chocolate, the wife says I'll have a vanilla.
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The 1st thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck.
The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house.
The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy and I had that until fat head came along."
Added: Tuesday 20th April 2010 00:00:01
BEHIND THE BUSH
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower.
Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear.
So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.
("I need the rake.")
She replies by pointing to her eye ,
grabbing her left breast, slaps her butt, then rubs her crotch.
The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
Added: Friday 16th April 2010 12:00:02
THE TEACHER TOLD US
A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, “Is it true what the teacher told us today?"
“What’s that?” the mother replied.
“That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises,” the daughter said.
“Yes it is dear,” mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.
“But when I have a baby,” the girl responded, “Won’t it knock my teeth out?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 15th April 2010 06:00:02
TOAST THERAPY
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Added: Sunday 11th April 2010 12:00:02
DAMN HE CAN DRIVE!
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.
Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing. And then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stops and picked me up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.
"As we entered town the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into a alley where again he picks up speed.
"Right in front of us are two 18 wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only 4 feet between them.
"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'
"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this I will suck your dick!'"
Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
Submitted by Greg
Edited by The whole team
Added: Saturday 10th April 2010 12:00:01
ADULTERY
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
Added: Friday 9th April 2010 18:00:01
FEELING GUILTY
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 8th April 2010 06:00:01
WIFE'S IDEA
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.
He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a rural dirt road in the middle of farm country.
After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the field driving a tractor.
Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, the other day I went out a-working in the fields, and I plum fergot to wear mah shirt.
Got back to the house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board, now this here's mah wife's idea."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 7th April 2010 00:00:01
ITALIAN HONEYMOON
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.
So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama!'
Added: Monday 5th April 2010 06:00:01
PERVERTED SEX
What do you call a man who has sex with his mom?
A MOTHER FUCKER!
Added: Saturday 3rd April 2010 06:00:01
IN THE ACT
A Howard County Policeman broke up a young couple in the act of lovemaking on a pathway in Columbia.
The girl berated the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities.
The boy was silent throughout the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both anyway.
The girl was charged with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person on his weapon.
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Friday 2nd April 2010 06:00:01
ADULTERY
An old man went into confession and told the priest:"Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."
"I see," said the priest.
"When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never,Father", replied the old man.
"I'm Jewish" "So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
Added: Thursday 1st April 2010 12:00:01
YOUR MOM!
How's your momma? We went out! Hey, I'm on the INTERNET!!!!! What's up to all the ladies that are in the house!!! I'll talk to you all later! TONIGHT! PEACE!
Added: Wednesday 31st March 2010 18:00:01
IS SLEEPING GOOD?
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people.
Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Added: Wednesday 31st March 2010 00:00:01
SHIT
A little fella walks into a bar.
Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door,
and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up
and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of
shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just
did that."
The big guy punches him in the mouth.
Added: Tuesday 30th March 2010 18:00:01
STRESS RELIEF
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?"
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
Added: Tuesday 30th March 2010 06:00:02
LIKE A BABY
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked,
'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'
The girl said,
'You told me it was just like a baby.'
The guy replied,
'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'
Added: Monday 29th March 2010 12:00:01
BOB'S TATO
Bob's Tato
Bob had a Tato of a $1,000.00 bill tatoed on his winger wanger. When his friend Dave asked him why? He replied...
"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants."
Added: Saturday 27th March 2010 18:00:02
TEMPERATURE
The doctor was caught in bed with the farmer's wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.
The farmer took his shotgun, primed it and said, "I guess you know what you're doing, doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when you take it out."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 27th March 2010 00:00:01
OPEN A GOLD COURSE
A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, "I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team."
The Englishman says, "Huh! That's nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach."
The American starts laughing. He says, "I've had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!"
Added: Friday 26th March 2010 18:00:01
THREE BACHELORS
Three bachelors were kidding Lou, the married man among them.
"You've been hitched five years now, Lou, how come you have no children?" asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun he added, "is your wife UNBEARABLE?"
"Or," said another guy, "is she INCONCEIVABLE?"
"Maybe she's IMPREGNABLE" joked the third man.
"No, boys you're all wrong," lamented Lou. "My wife is INSURMOUNTABLE and INSCRUTABLE!"
Added: Friday 26th March 2010 06:00:01
ESSEX GIRL
At a divorce hearing, the wife's barrister asked the Essex girl whom he was cross examining:
"So, Sharon. On the night of November 23rd last year, at approximately 01:30am, in the place known as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant, my client's husband, have sexual intercourse with you?"
"Yeah, he did," whispered the Essex girl, her head bowed.
"And on that occasion, did the defendant, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the barrister went on.
"Oh no," she answered. "I fink 'e 'ad one of them fancy Mitsubishis."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 24th March 2010 12:00:01
CHRISTMAS COOKIE DOU
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said.
"I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down."
Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there was bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down."
About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happenend, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
Added: Tuesday 23rd March 2010 00:00:01
ROSEBUD
There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent".
''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.
''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''
''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.''
Added: Saturday 20th March 2010 12:00:01
IMMENCE PLEASURE
A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy in unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "Either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 17th March 2010 12:00:01
PLAYING POKER
A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room.
Mom and dad are in bed making love.
The boy asks, "What are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here."
He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love.
The boy asks, "What are you doing?"
His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here."
He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating.
He asks his brother, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "Playing poker."
The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker."
His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 16th March 2010 12:00:02
CLOCK SHOP
A man enters a clock shop and takes out his manhood and puts it on the counter.
The lady assistant says to him "Sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop."
He replies "Put two hands and a face on it then."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing
Added: Monday 15th March 2010 06:00:01
BAD SEX
An old couple were sitting on their front porch reading the newspaper. When suddenly the woman stands up hits her husband upside the and sits back down. The man asks, "what was that for". The woman replies "that's for 35 years of bad sex". The man ,out of anger, hits her back and says "that's for known".
Added: Saturday 13th March 2010 12:00:02
TWINKIES
These two people where having sex in an apartment somehow the condom flies out the window. A little boy on the street sees it at the same time the guy sticks his head out the window and says "wait there ill be right down" so the guy throws a pair of shorts on and runds downstairs. The guy go up to the kid and says "ill give you one doller if you give me that twinky back. the little boy says ok. He runs home and tells his mom "hey mom guess what today i sold a twinky for one doller but i got the better end of the deal i sucked out all the cream filling first.
Added: Saturday 13th March 2010 06:00:01
STARTS WITH C
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a "C" and ends with a "T"?
A coconut.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 12th March 2010 06:00:01
200 BUCKS
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
'Hi is Tony home?'
'No he went to the store.'
'Well, you mind if I wait?'
'No come in.'
They sit down and the friend says 'You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says 'They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.'
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says 'You know your weird friend Chris came over.'
Tony thinks about this for a second and says 'Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?'
Added: Friday 12th March 2010 00:00:01
IRON THIS?!
A young man went to Victoria's Secret to buy a Christmas present. The clerk brought out a nightie that cost $50.00 and the man said,"Oh, I can afford more than that". So she brought a skimpy pair of panties for $100.00 He again said,"Oh, I can afford more than that". So she went in the back room and beautifully wrapped an empty box and said that will be $250.00. He took it home, handed it to his wife and asked her to try the gift on. She took the package upstairs, opened it and saw nothing in it. She came down stairs in her birthday suit and said, "How do you like it?"
He said, "Fine, but for that much money you would think they would iron it".
Added: Thursday 11th March 2010 06:00:01
GOOD.. BAD.. WORSE
Good: You're having sex.
Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt.
Worse: You liked it.
Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room "studying"
Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.
Worse: He's in them.
Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.
Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting.....
Worse: ......with corrections.
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 00:00:01
TOO FAST
Two cannibals are sitting down to eat a great big fat guy that they had just killed, and they are discussing who gets to eat what.
So they decide that one will start at his head, and the other at his toes.
So they are eating away and one cannibal says to the other, "Hey man this guy is delicious, isn't this great?"
And the other cannibal says, "Yeah, this is excellent, I am having a ball!"
And the first cannibal yells back, "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 00:00:01
SEND THE WINE BACK
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,
then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
Submitted by Verlaine
Editted by Curtis
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 18:00:01
SCREW FOR THE HINGE
A lady walks into a hardware store and says she's looking for a hinge.
The manager comes over and asks the lady "do you want a screw for the hinge?"
She replies "no but I'll F*ck you for the doorknob."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 00:00:01
OLD DUFFLE BAGS
One day a man was at work and his employee noticed that his fly was open so she said, "Mr. Curtis, your bear store is open."
He finally realized what she was talking about and decided to have a little fun....
"When you noticed that my Bear Store was open did you see a soldier standing at attention next to two barrells or ammo?!" said Mr. Curtis.
"No I didn't," she replied, "I saw a handicapped veteran sitting on some old duffle bags!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 5th March 2010 00:00:01
CHICKEN FARMER
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
"Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.
Added: Wednesday 3rd March 2010 06:00:01
DISGRACED FAMILY
A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys."
"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 1st March 2010 06:00:01
SPARKS
There once was a man from Montrass,
Who had balls that were made of fine brass.
In stormy weather,
They both clanged together,
And sparks flew out of his ass!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 27th February 2010 06:00:01
30 LESSONS FROM PORN
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy when rooting.
11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them
they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f*cking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Arseholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
Added: Wednesday 24th February 2010 06:00:01
GOLD PROSPECTING
A prospector on his first trip to Alaska met an old miner named Jake at the local saloon and decided to join him on his next trip since he was an old hand at looking for gold in the Yukon. The next day as they were finishing loading the dog sled with supplies the old timer told him to go find a board with a knot hole in it.
The rookie ask why and was told that they would be in the back country a long time and they would not see any women until they returned to town. Well the young prospector thought this was crazy but found a board to appease the old man.
About eight months later the young prospector walked back into town alone. One of the towns people ask him what had happened to old Jake.
" Well", the young prospector answered, " I had to kill him."
"Why on earth did you have to do that for," ask the townsman.
The prospector looked him in the eye and stated. "Caught him in bed with my BOARD."
Added: Tuesday 23rd February 2010 18:00:01
MOST HATED WORDS
The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?"
or "Is It In?"
Added: Friday 19th February 2010 06:00:01
FEELING GUILTY
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
Added: Wednesday 17th February 2010 00:00:01
AN HOUR OF PLEASURE
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Added: Saturday 13th February 2010 06:00:01
WHALE OF A TIME
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'
They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'
At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
'Look,' she said. 'I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
Added: Tuesday 9th February 2010 06:00:01
TIRED SPERM
Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"
The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1
Added: Monday 8th February 2010 12:00:01
TO MUCH TESTOSTERONE
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her.
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
Added: Monday 8th February 2010 06:00:02
HOW MANY WOMEN
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
Added: Sunday 7th February 2010 06:00:01
WOW! BIG BOX
A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids. He said "Yeah, I can tell....You have the biggest box I have ever seen". She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, and took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her. He asked her what she was doing. She said "I am doing my exercizes. He said " Well, be careful. Don't fall into that f*cking hole"
Added: Sunday 7th February 2010 00:00:01
DAD IS RICH
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 6th February 2010 18:00:01
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Added: Saturday 6th February 2010 12:00:01
PEANUT IN THE EAR
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Added: Thursday 4th February 2010 12:00:01
BUYING CONDOMS
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
Added: Monday 1st February 2010 00:00:02
ICE CREAM MAN
A boy hears the ice cream truck comming down the road and runs into his house to ask his mom for a dollar.
She agrees and gives him the dollar and with that he takes off running out the door... just in time to stop the truck.
The ice cream man says, "Alright son, what can I get you?"
The boy says, "What do you have?"
Ice cream man says, "Well, I have anything you see here...chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry."
The little boy thinks for a second and finally replies, "I will have chocolate!"
The ice cream man opens up his chocolate bin and says, "Sorry son, all out of chocolate."
The boy says, "You said that I could have anything that I see here and I see chocolate, I want chocolate!"
The ice cream man looks at the boy and says, "But son, we are out of chocolate, wouldn't you like some strawberry instead?"
The boy screams, "NO! You said I could have chocolate and that is what I want!"
The ice cream man thinks for a second and finally says, "Listen here...do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
The boy says, "Yes..."
Ice cream man says, "Do you see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
Little boy says, "Yes...."
Ice cream man says, "Do you see the 'fuck' in chocolate?"
Little boy says, "UMM, NO!"
Ice cream man says, "That's cuz, THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 31st January 2010 00:00:01
SEX WHEN YOU'RE
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
Added: Saturday 30th January 2010 06:00:01
CAMPFIRE TALES
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.
The youngest cowboy says, "Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands."
Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, "That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."
The oldest cowboy just sits there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 29th January 2010 18:00:02
HOOKER
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably never see me on the weekends."
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 28th January 2010 18:00:02
BELIEVE IN GENIES
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
'Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair.'
Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed.
'I warned you to watch out. Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,
'Are you the people that broke the window?'
'Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'0H!, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
'Now that you've released me I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem, it's the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie said looking at the wife.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said.
'And what's your wish, genie?' they asked in unison.
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said,
'Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
'Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind.'
The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
'How old is your husband?'
'He's 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?'
Added: Sunday 24th January 2010 18:00:01
OLD AND 18 YR OLD
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
"Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"
"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Added: Sunday 24th January 2010 12:00:02
PUTTING SADDAM BACK
President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war intelligence over weapons of mass destruction.
If we find out that we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the hole?
—Jay Leno
Added: Sunday 24th January 2010 06:00:02
OVER EXERTION
An 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Have I already been here this evening?"
Added: Saturday 23rd January 2010 00:00:01
MAN WITH A TERRIBLE
A man fell asleep on the beach one day while laying on his back. When he woke up, his legs were blood red and starting to blister. He went to the emergency room. The doctor stuck him with so many needles, he passed out. When the nurse was looking over his chart, she noticed he was given morphine, hydrocortisone, and viagra. Curious, she asked the doctor what the viagra was for. He said, "Oh, well he's got morphine for pain, hyforcortisone for his blisters. The Viagra is to keep the sheet off his legs as not to cause anymore irratation then neccessary."
Added: Friday 22nd January 2010 18:00:01
OVER THE HILL
You know you are over hill when ....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver license's picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with "Dr."
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
25. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 21st January 2010 06:00:01
WHAT COLOUR
A man goes into a chemist's shop, and asks for a packet of condoms. The assistant asks him what variety he would like.
"How about the new box of condoms of different colors?"
So he buys a packet of 12 mixed colors and goes away.
A few months later he's in the maternity wear shop buying a maternity dress for his wife.
"What bust?" asked the assistant.
"The yellow one."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 20th January 2010 00:00:01
TALKING DIRTY
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Added: Tuesday 19th January 2010 18:00:01
THAT DEAD
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."
"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
Added: Monday 18th January 2010 18:00:01
GETTING WEIGHED
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Murillos, Aaron23, Curtis
Added: Monday 18th January 2010 12:00:01
WHITE GUY, BLACK GUY
A white guy, black guy, and a mexican guy are walking down this old country road looking for a place to stay and an old farmer said they could stay there on one condition, they don't fuck his daughter. They all agreed and when they whent to bed the farmar put razor blades in her pussy.
The next morning when they woke up the farmer told them to drop there pants. All of there dicks were cut up so he told them to go out in his field and pick a hundred of there favorite fruit. They go out and about 30 min. later and the white guy comes in and he has 100 cherries. the farmer told him to shove them up his butt so he did. Then the black man came in with 100 strawberries and the farmer told him to shove the m up his butt. Then the black man starts laughing and the farmer askes him why and he says, "My friend's out there picking 100 watermelons".
Added: Sunday 17th January 2010 18:00:01
HANGOVER GRADES
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those vodka redbulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as
the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some
light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen
doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the
fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your
gender).
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a
second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your
body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you
and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you
up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in
the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage,
even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into
abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died
back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the
day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to
get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for
them driving you to the hospital.
Work is not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or
three hours at least you might even succeed!!!
Added: Wednesday 13th January 2010 06:00:01
WORKING LATE
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
Added: Tuesday 12th January 2010 00:00:01
CALL FOR A DOCTOR
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Added: Monday 11th January 2010 12:00:01
EXCUSE ME, YOUR FLY IS UNZIPPED
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."
Added: Sunday 10th January 2010 18:00:01
THE STAFF OF LIFE
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
Added: Friday 8th January 2010 06:00:01
OUTDOOR SEX DANGER
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Added: Friday 8th January 2010 00:00:01
POTATO PROSTITUTE
Four potatoes were standing on the corner.
Which one was the prostitute?
The one that said I do hoe!
Added: Thursday 7th January 2010 06:00:01
PULLED MUSCLE
One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.
"Hey Dick! How's it going?"
asked Michael.
"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.
"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?"
Michael asked.
"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"
Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"
Added: Wednesday 6th January 2010 18:00:01
HALF SISTERS
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls.”
“But Mum that’s sick, it’s incest.”
“No… no… dear, it’s Ok, because he's not really your father."
Added: Wednesday 6th January 2010 00:00:01
SEX LIVES
Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.
The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."
The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it."
The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since."
Added: Tuesday 5th January 2010 06:00:01
6 DOUBLE VODKAS
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 5th January 2010 00:00:01
COLLEGE LETTERS
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 3rd January 2010 06:00:01
CASTRATION
One day a man walks into his doctor's office and says firmly, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
The doctor, in disbelief, says, "Castrated, are you positive? You do know that once it's done there's no turning back.. You must be totally sure you want this done before you make your final decision."
"I've thought this over for a while now, and I'm more than positive I want to be castrated."
As reluctant as the doctor was to do this kind of operation, he complied with the man's wishes and castrated him.
The next day the man was walking bow-legged down the hall with his drip pan inbetween his legs and sees a man coming down the hall in the same manner he is.
He comes up to him and says, "I see you've had the same operation I've had!"
The man says, "Yes sir, after 37 years I've decided to finally be circumsized."
The man screams, "CRAP! THAT'S THE WORD!"
Added: Saturday 2nd January 2010 06:00:01
TALKING CLOCK
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!! it's ten past three in the morning!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 2nd January 2010 00:00:01
SNOW IN JUNE
The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, "and yours?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
Added: Friday 1st January 2010 06:00:01
GRAB MY BREASTS!
A woman walks into Target to return a faulty toaster she just purchased the day before. She walks up to the Customer Service counter and slams the toaster down. The pimple-faced boy looks up and says,"Welcome to Target. May I help you?"
The woman glares at him and says, "I'd like to return this toaster I bought yesterday."
The boy, looking puzzled, asks,"Ok, ma'am. Do you have your receipt?"
She shakes her head no. The clerk then says, "I'm sorry ma'am, without a receipt, you cannot make a return."
The woman begins to yell,"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The boy is embarrassed and confused. He looks around and spots his manager; frantically, he beckons him over.
"Sir, this lady would like to return this toaster she bought yesterday."
The manager looks at the woman and says,"Do you have a receipt?"
Once again, the woman says no.
"I'm sorry, the Target policy states that we cannot take returns without a receipt."
Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager looks at her and says,"Why do you keep saying to grab your breasts?"
The woman looks at him and says,"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting fucked!"
Added: Tuesday 29th December 2009 18:00:01
SAFE FAX
Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.
Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 28th December 2009 18:00:01
WHAT ARE YOU?
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income, No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman, Tantilazing and Curtis
Added: Sunday 27th December 2009 18:00:01
TWO STORY HOUSE
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies,
"What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers,
"Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
Added: Friday 25th December 2009 18:00:01
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 24th December 2009 18:00:01
THE MAGE IN BATTLE
Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.
10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!" 4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
And, the number one thing you don't want to hear from your mage..
1) "Oops..."
Added: Wednesday 23rd December 2009 12:00:01
WHOREHOUSE
A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whorehouse.
The madam says she has only one girl available, and she’ll cost $1,000.
Because he’s desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room.
When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.
“What the hell are you doing?” the hooker screams.
“For $1,000, you don’t think I’m going to let you have the easy one, do you?” the sailor replies.
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by calamjo
Added: Wednesday 23rd December 2009 06:00:01
NO WOOL DOWNSTAIRS
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
Added: Tuesday 22nd December 2009 18:00:01
HOW 'BOUT ORAL?
The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight."
"No way!" the man responded.
"I'm married!!!"
"So???"
queried the hooker.
"My wife will do it for $35."
he replied.
Added: Tuesday 22nd December 2009 06:00:01
HUNTING ON A FARM
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard.
The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"
The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.
He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. One of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"
Added: Monday 21st December 2009 18:00:01
PENIS STUDIES
In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man'spenis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, theyconcluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to givethe Man more pleasure during sex.After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study.After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that thereason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex.The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent$13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) andconcluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hittinghim in the forehead.
Added: Monday 21st December 2009 06:00:01
101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Added: Saturday 19th December 2009 18:00:02
WOMENS HOTEL
Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, "Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women" The ladies were convinced and walked in.
On the first floor a sign read, 'the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting'.
The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor which a sign read, 'the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate'
The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, 'There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they're good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot' the four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it.
When they got there they saw a sign that said, 'There is absolutaly no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to please a woman'
Added: Saturday 19th December 2009 12:00:01
FERRY BOAT
Two Gays are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by underneath them.
One says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?"
"Container ship."
"OK, what''s that one over there?"
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"
"That's a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 16th December 2009 18:00:01
BEST TOAST
John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Wednesday 16th December 2009 00:00:01
DATING
A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry.
He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.
The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.
The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.
Which one does he end up marrying?
The one with the biggest boobs.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 14th December 2009 18:00:01
AFTER THE OFFICE PARTY
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
Added: Sunday 13th December 2009 18:00:01
MISS THEM ALL
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Added: Thursday 10th December 2009 18:00:01
WRINKLED
What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother.
Added: Wednesday 9th December 2009 12:00:01
HOTEL LOBBY
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Added: Wednesday 9th December 2009 06:00:01
SEASON PASS
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Added: Tuesday 8th December 2009 06:00:01
DOING IT ON THE LAWN
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
Added: Monday 7th December 2009 12:00:01
THE CRYING OLD MAN
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?"
asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand."
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Added: Sunday 6th December 2009 18:00:01
GAS GRILL
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 5th December 2009 12:00:01
DID YOU ENJOY THE SE
A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they've just finished having sex.
"Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just had?"
he asks.
"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"
Added: Friday 4th December 2009 06:00:01
CHRONIC MIGRAINE
This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem.
The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have to cut your balls off to do it."
At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!
The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.
The guy is relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new men's shop downtown.
As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?"
"It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your build, medium shirt sleeves should work."
"That is incredible!" the guy says. "Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstrap."
"Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap."
"No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk.
"Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small."
That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraine headaches."
Added: Monday 30th November 2009 06:00:01
SUPERMODEL NEXT DOOR
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbour and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
Added: Monday 30th November 2009 00:00:01
PRINCESS & A FROG
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."
"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fu#ken think so!"
Added: Sunday 29th November 2009 06:00:01
WON'T BE YOURS
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 29th November 2009 00:00:01
SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY
Nate and Martin, two army buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Nate's house and get drunk.
Low and behold they run out of beer, so Nate says that he will go for more.
As he is leaving he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best southern hospitality, which she agrees to do.
Nate comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Nate yells, "What are you doing Barbara?"
She replies, "You told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality."
Nate replies "For cripe sake woman, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor."
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 27th November 2009 06:00:01
GROWING OLD
After 15 years of not having sex, an old couple finally decide that it's about time they did something about their sex life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, "By jove I think this is working, I'm getting really turned on!!"
They old man replies, "Well how do you mean love?"
His wife says, "Well I'm getting all hot….. my nipples are red hot!!!"
He replies, "Well I'm not bloody surprised woman! You've got one nipple in your coffee and the other in your porridge!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 26th November 2009 06:00:02
LOVE AND HERPES
What's the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn't last forever.
Added: Wednesday 25th November 2009 12:00:01
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'.
Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by blueindiansquaw
Added: Tuesday 24th November 2009 18:00:02
WRONG UNIFORM
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 23rd November 2009 00:00:01
TWO-BIT WHORE
First man: How'd you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
First man: She punched you?
Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.
Added: Sunday 22nd November 2009 12:00:02
WHAT'S YOUR NAME
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, " Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says.
"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry", she says.
"I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Added: Saturday 21st November 2009 18:00:01
WONDER BRA
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Added: Saturday 21st November 2009 00:00:01
PALM BEACH TRIP
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
Added: Friday 20th November 2009 18:00:01
PICKLE SLICER
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill declined saying that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
Bill said, 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh Bill, you didn't,' she said.
'Yes, I did,' said Bill.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, she got fired too.'
Added: Thursday 19th November 2009 06:00:01
CAT,CANDY,BIKE
A mom walks outside to see her son repeatedly poping candy in his mouth, biting the cat, and jumping on his bike. On his bike he goes around in a circle and repeats. The mom asks what he is doing. He says,"I am poping pills,eating pussy, and I keep on a trucking just like my daddy!"
Added: Tuesday 17th November 2009 12:00:01
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE..
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy fucking bitch".
Added: Monday 16th November 2009 00:00:01
PEBBLE FLINTSTONE
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.
Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says, "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 13th November 2009 18:00:01
3"
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 12th November 2009 00:00:01
NEW EARS
A lady walks into the Gynecologist office and says, "I have a problem. I have extremely big pussy lips. I'd like to get an operation but don’t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about my problem."
The doctor agrees and gives her the operation.
The next day while sitting in the recovery room, she gets three roses delivered.
She runs to her doctor and says, "Doctor I thought I told you not to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?"
The doctor replies, "The first one is from me because I felt sorry about your problem. The second is from the nurse who had the same problem you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit thanking you for his new ears!"
Submitted by Glaci
Editted by Blueindiansquaw
Added: Tuesday 10th November 2009 12:00:01
DOWNTOWN
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 9th November 2009 18:00:01
NYMPHOMANIAC
Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the 'eighth' time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
Added: Saturday 7th November 2009 12:00:02
MICHAEL LATE AGAIN
As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week… have you seen him?
Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly…
I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
Added: Saturday 7th November 2009 06:00:01
FEMALE HORMONES?
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
Added: Friday 6th November 2009 00:00:01
APPLE JOKE
whats the differnce between a womam, fish,an a apple say bob bob said i dont know john tell me well john said a woman wiggles to come a fish wiggles to get away then bob said what a bout the apple john said its for a lucky cock sucker like you to bite now
Added: Thursday 5th November 2009 00:00:01
TRAINS AND BREASTS
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 2nd November 2009 12:00:01
CAR ACCIDENT
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Saturday 31st October 2009 00:00:01
GOING TO LAS VEGAS
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Added: Thursday 29th October 2009 06:00:01
BOB IN ACCOUNTING
The company president called the chief security guard into his office.
"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop."
Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."
The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up.
"Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"
Added: Tuesday 27th October 2009 00:00:01
FIRST HAND JOB
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
Added: Monday 26th October 2009 18:00:01
ELEPHANT FART
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
Added: Saturday 24th October 2009 00:00:01
3 OLD MEN
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, 'My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!'
The second old fogey one-upped him. 'My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!'
The third old man laughed and said, 'That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.'
Added: Friday 23rd October 2009 12:00:01
DON'T KNOW
What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket?
I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing
Added: Friday 23rd October 2009 00:00:01
DRUNKEN OFFICE PARTY
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Added: Tuesday 20th October 2009 18:00:01
SPECIAL RING
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
Added: Monday 19th October 2009 12:00:01
PRECIOUS
Three southern belles are sitting on a porch sipping lemonade.
The first says to the others: "When I was over in France, you'll never believe what they have there..."
The others: "What?"
First: "Well they have men who do their lovin' with other men."
Others: "Well, what's that called?"
First: "They call that gay lovin'. And over there in France, they have women who do their lovin' with other women."
Others: "Well, what's that called?"
First: "That's called lesbian lovin'. They also have lovin' over there that has a man kiss your private parts."
Others: "Well, I declare, what do they call that?"
First: "Well when I caught my breath again, I called him 'Precious'."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 12th October 2009 00:00:01
COPS IN OLDIES HOME
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'
Added: Sunday 11th October 2009 00:00:01
BORN LOSER
What is the definition of a born loser?
A guy who falls into a sea of tits and comes up sucking his thumb.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 10th October 2009 18:00:01
BUMBLE CLOCK
THERE WAS THIS JAMACAN MAN NAMED TIMO WHO WAS VERY BORED WITH HIS WIFE.ONE DAY SHE ASKED HIM "TIMO MAKE YA DINNER"TIMO SAID NO U DOIT. SO SHE SAID OK ILL DO IT BUT THE LAST TIME. THE NEXT DAY SHE SAY"TIMO MAKE YA BREAKFAST"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.SO SHE SAID OK ILL DOIT BUT THE LAST TIME.THE NEXT DAY SHE ASKED TIMO"TIMO MAKE ME LOVE"TIMO SAID NO U DO IT.THEN HIS WIFE PAUSED AND SAID "TIMO ME MAKE YOUR BREAKFAST ME MAKE YOUR DINER ME NOT MAING A DILDO.
Added: Friday 9th October 2009 06:00:01
I'VE HAD YOUR MU
This bloke walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him.
"Oi you he shouts. I've shagged your mum!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings.Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse.
"Oi you" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mum up the bum"
The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again.
"Oi you! your mum sucked my d*ck!!"
By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and yells...........
"For f*cks sake Dad go home, you're embarrassing me."
Added: Thursday 8th October 2009 06:00:01
MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Added: Wednesday 7th October 2009 18:00:01
PICK-UP LINES!!!!!!!
1. Are those REAL??? 2. Nice legs!! What time do they open?? 3. Will, you just freakin' go out with me? 4. Offer a single rose and say: "I wanted to show this rose true beauty."
5. I know milk does a body good, but damn -- how much you been drinking?
6. I put a drop of tear in the ocean for you... and I'll stop loving you when you find that teardrop.
7. Nice tuba. Wanna practice some scales together?
8. The top 4 things I love: 1)Beer 2)Soccer 3)Shoes 4)You 9. Don't frown. You'll never know who's falling in love with your smile!
10. (Take out a 1$ bill):
I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you.
(kiss them)
Oops, guess I lost.
Added: Saturday 3rd October 2009 06:00:01
WALRUS AND TUPPERWAR
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Added: Thursday 1st October 2009 06:00:02
ON THE JOB
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
Added: Thursday 1st October 2009 00:00:01
THE I.R.S. CONDOM
A young man and his girlfriend decide its time for them to make love for the first time.They go to the local pharmacy and decide on a popular condom,priced at one dollar a piece.Embarassed, they give it to the clerk ,who scans it and says"That will be $1.07" The young man ,looking confused, asks the clerk"They say over there,a dollar a piece,whats the 7cents for? To which the clerk replies"Tax".The young man hands over the money,looks at his girlfriend and says "Oh,good,I was wondering what held it on".
Added: Wednesday 30th September 2009 00:00:01
PICK IN HAND
Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mummy Mummy, I've got a thorn in my finger - get some apple juice!"
Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"
And the little girl says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."
Added: Sunday 27th September 2009 12:00:01
SMALLER SIZES
After turning himself in, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs.
I don't think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?
Added: Sunday 27th September 2009 06:00:01
RED HEAD VS BLONDE
What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
Added: Saturday 26th September 2009 12:00:01
STRAY PUSSY
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat.
The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet.
The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.
Added: Friday 25th September 2009 18:00:01
SPROUTS
What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
Added: Thursday 24th September 2009 00:00:01
CHASTITY BELT
A brave knight has to go and fight in the Crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home.
As he can't trust her, he fits her with a chastity belt made from razor blades.
On his victorious return, he lines up his male staff, making them drop their trousers. He is greeted, one by one, by a line of shredded todgers, except one.
He goes up to that man and says, "I trusted you and, unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land."
To which, the servant replies, "Ugg ou gery muk."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Added: Wednesday 23rd September 2009 00:00:01
WHERE BABIES FROM?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?
Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, dear.
Added: Tuesday 22nd September 2009 18:00:01
SUPER HEROES
It was Saturday night and Superman wanted to party. He phoned Batman but he said Robin was sick and he had to stay home and take care of him.
Superman decided to fly over to Wonder Woman's house and see what was going on over there. He landed on her balcony, looked in the bedroom window and saw her lying on her back on the bed. She was naked and had her legs apart. "Hey," he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." He does it, but something startles Wonder Woman and she says, "Did you hear something?"
"No," says the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."
Added: Tuesday 22nd September 2009 00:00:01
DIFFERENCE
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew the lightbulb!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 21st September 2009 12:00:01
LIFETIME SAVINGS
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Added: Thursday 17th September 2009 06:00:01
BETWEEN THE THIGHS
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs.
The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred what's in between them.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 16th September 2009 12:00:01
RETARD ON A DATE
This cute guys finally gets this hot girl to go out with him but he has to find a date for her friend. He agrees because the date is 2 days away. To his surprise none of his friends could make it so he asks his retarded brother. The brother says' "I wouldn't know what to do."
The other brother says, "Just do what I do."
So the brother agrees. The night of the date they drive out to Lover's Point. The brother jumps in the back seat with his girlfriend while the retard jumps in the front seat. He watches as his brother puts his hand down the front of the girl's shirt, the retard does the same. He watches his brother puts his hand between the girl's legs, the retard does the same. But to his surprise its wet so he quickly pulls away his hand is now bloody. So the retard pulls the girl to the front of the car and pulls out a first aid kit. He pulls down her pants and says "I'd be bleeding too if someone cut off my penis."
Added: Wednesday 16th September 2009 06:00:01
SORE THROAT
A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to relieve it.
The pharmacist says, "Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have."
"Really? What's that?" asks the man.
"I go straight home and have my wife give me a good blow job. I suggest you try that."
"Sounds great!" says the man, "Is your wife home now?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Wednesday 16th September 2009 00:00:01
HOSPITALITY
A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveler, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, and he saw that the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 15th September 2009 06:00:01
NUDE GAMBLING
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Reviewed by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 14th September 2009 00:00:01
OBSCENE CALLER
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
Added: Sunday 13th September 2009 18:00:01
BEEN CIRCUMCISED
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Added: Sunday 13th September 2009 06:00:01
THE BIN LADEN JOKE (
Why did Bin Laden leave his wife?
Because when he looked under her skirt he saw BUSH!!
Added: Saturday 12th September 2009 12:00:01
69 X 2
What's 69 and 69?
Dinner for four.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 11th September 2009 00:00:01
GEOGRAPHY
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 10th September 2009 00:00:01
TRIPLETS
There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets.
The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's to damn dark up in here."
The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me."
The third baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I'm gonna cut it's fucking head off."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 9th September 2009 12:00:01
SORE
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after that, my pussy got kind of sore."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 9th September 2009 00:00:01
WHICH HOLE?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 8th September 2009 12:00:01
LOST SPERM
There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"
The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."
So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's looks almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"
The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"
The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilise the egg."
The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"
The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the oesophagus."
Added: Tuesday 8th September 2009 00:00:01
$200 MOUTHWASH
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200?"
Aghast, the man said, "Are you NUTS!, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again, "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100."
Again, the man replies bluntly, "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy,"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite, suddenly the guys spits it out and says,"HEY" he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!
"It is", replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Added: Sunday 6th September 2009 18:00:01
SERGEANTS
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
Added: Saturday 5th September 2009 18:00:01
WHY
WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN WITH 2 LEGS?????
HE MADE A BALLS OUT OF THE 3RD
Added: Thursday 3rd September 2009 18:00:01
MOVING TO BERLIN
Michael Jackson says he wants to move to Berlin.
As soon as the Germans heard about it they started to put the wall back up.
Added: Thursday 3rd September 2009 06:00:01
LOVE AT NUDIST CAMP
The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.
"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.
Added: Monday 31st August 2009 18:00:01
VASELINE
A gay guy goes to his friends house who is straight. When he arrives, he sees the straight guy puting vaseline on his arms and legs. The gay guy asks "Why are you putting vaseline all over your body" and the straight guys relpies " Haven't you heard, vaseline makes hair grow faster.
So the gay guy goes home and he starts putting vaseline all over his legs and arms and his boyfriend walks in and says "What aer you doing". The other guy goes says" Im putting vaselinem on my arms and legs, it helps the hair grow faster.
And then the boyfriend replies" You actually believe that stuff......If that was true, you'd have the hairiest ass i've ever seen in my life".
Added: Saturday 29th August 2009 06:00:01
GYNECOLOGIST
Did you hear about the blind Gynecologist?
He could read lips.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Wednesday 26th August 2009 18:00:01
HOOKERS
A guy goes up to a hooker and says,how much?, The hooker says, 50 bucks, the guy says ,American Express?,The hooker says, go as fast as you want.
Added: Tuesday 25th August 2009 06:00:04
INTERCOURSE CONSENT
=================== General Release Writ
This certifies that I, the undersigned female about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.
Furthermore I am in no fear of him whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry him, I don't know if he is married or not, and I don't care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.
Furthermore I will not act as a witness against him, nor will I file charges against him should I become pregnant, contract a sexual disease, or feel that he is violating the Mann White Slave Act.
Signed, before jumping into bed,
this ____ day of ____________ 19__
Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________
General Release Writ
This certifies that I, the undersigned male about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does she have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.
Furthermore I am in no fear of her whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry her, I don't know if she is married or not, and I don't care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with her because I love it and want it as much as she does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.
Furthermore I will not act as a witness against her, nor will I file custody charges against her should she become pregnant, should I contract a sexual disease, or feel that she is misrepresenting herself. With this signature, I guarantee that the ensuing act of unprotected sexual intercourse represents my most sincere effort at irresponsibility.
Signed, before jumping into bed,
this ____ day of ____________ 19__
Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________
Added: Monday 24th August 2009 12:00:01
DISROBING
During her annual checkup, a well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
Added: Sunday 23rd August 2009 12:00:02
THIS PILL TELLS THE
ONE DAY THIS PREGNAT LADY WENT TO THE DOCTORS FOR HER CHECK UP AND THERE THE DOC TOLD HER WHEN SHE GOES IN ABOR HE CAN GIVE HER A PILL SO THAT THE DADY CAN HAVFE HALF OF THE PAIN AND A WEEK LATER SHE GOES IN LABOR SO THE DOC GIVES HER THE PILL AND THE HUSBAND SAYS HE DOES NOT FEEL ANYTHING SO THEY GIVE THE WIFE MORE MORE AND MORE AND SAME THING FINALLY THEY GIVE HER SO MANY THAT SHE DOES NOT FEEL THE PAIN EITHER SO SHE HAS HER BABY AND THEN WHEN THEY GO HOME THEY FIND THE MAIL MAN DEAD ON THERE FROUNT PORCH
Added: Saturday 22nd August 2009 12:00:01
FUTURE CAREERS
The teacher asked the children in her class, what they want to be when they grow up.
"I want to be an actress," Susie says.
"Good girl, Susie."
"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.
"Good boy, Cliff."
"And I want to be a sex therapist," Little Johnny yells out.
"Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"
"Okay, Miss. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?"
"Get out of the class, Johnny, and come back with your parents!"
Johnny returns and is asked to explain what he has just said, to which he replies...
"The one that is married, is the one that has a wedding ring and it is people like you, Miss, that I am going to treat."
Added: Friday 21st August 2009 12:00:01
SHAVE THAT COWBOY!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you’re working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Added: Tuesday 18th August 2009 18:00:01
FLUNKING SEX EDUCATI
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"
I agree. We'll grab her..."
said the second.
"Yeah," said the third.
"And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
Added: Tuesday 18th August 2009 06:00:05
LATE VIDEO RETURN
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.
When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
Added: Monday 17th August 2009 06:00:03
SLOW GAME OF GOLF
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Added: Sunday 16th August 2009 12:00:01
REFRIGERATOR MAN
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Added: Sunday 16th August 2009 00:00:02
COMPLIMENT HER
There are these two highschool boys at the prom. The first one says to the other..
"My dates really hot and wants to go out to my car, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up"
His friend tells him
"Don't worry! Just compliment her. Girls love compliments."
He says ok and leaves. About 15 minutes later he returns rubbing a black eye.
"What happened! Didn't you say nice things to her?"
"Yea, I did, but it didn't work."
"What did you say?"
"When we first got in the car, we started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, they sure were sweet. She liked that. Then I started feeling her tits. I told her that for such large breasts, they sure were firm. She really liked that.
Things were going really good then. I got her skirt up and panties off and told her, for such a large crack, it sure didn't stink much. Then she hit me!"
Added: Saturday 15th August 2009 00:00:02
BATHING SUITS
The difference between bathing suits now and back in the past, is that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt.
The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.
Added: Thursday 13th August 2009 18:00:02
PRETTY NORMAL
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."
The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 13th August 2009 12:00:01
FROZEN PARROT
A woman brings a Parrot home from the pet store and names it Fred. One afternoon the bird begins to talk and says,
"Fuck You, Fuck You."
The lady is shocked and calmly tells the bird that it is not nice to swear. She further warns that if he persist she will have to take more drastic action. Several days go by and the bird continues to curse her.
One afternoon when the lady has company, Fred begins his usual stuff and the lady looses her temper and throws him in the freezer.
Several hours pass before the lady remembers what she had done. She quickly takes him out and puts him down on the table.
Fred is just shivering and almost Frozen solid. After warming up a while the lady asked Fred, "Have you learned your lesson?"
Fred shivers and says, "Yes, but just one question. What in the hell did that turkey in there say?"
Added: Thursday 13th August 2009 06:00:04
DRAGGING HARRY
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.
As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," says the wife.
"I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 12th August 2009 12:00:02
ROSE TATTOO
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done.
In walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattoo on one breast.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 10th August 2009 18:00:01
GAME SHOW
Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her husband drove them home.
'I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.'
'Relax honey,' her husband, Roger, reassured her. 'It will all be OK.'
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
'Where are you going?' Jane asked.
'I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.'
After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
'Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer.'
'What is it?' she cried excitedly.
'OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?"
And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the penis."'
The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
'The head, the heart, the penis,' Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
'Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.'
'Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.
'Very good. Six seconds.'
'Eh, uh, the heart?
'Very good. Four seconds.'
'I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... '
'That's close enough,' said the game show host, 'Congratulations!'
Added: Sunday 9th August 2009 18:00:01
GREAT RESTAURANT
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 8th August 2009 00:00:02
DISCHARGE
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."
The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"
The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 7th August 2009 06:00:03
TOE CURLING
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his penis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 5th August 2009 00:00:01
SEX LIFE IN YEARS...
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"
Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.
"Ten years is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"
The monkey graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.
Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"
The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Added: Thursday 30th July 2009 12:00:01
ESCAPED CON
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple, who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice arse.'
Added: Monday 27th July 2009 18:00:02
HOT SAUCE
Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, "Whoever can make me scream the most gets $100.
The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says, "Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."
The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man, it is just not possible!"
Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after 10 minutes and forty screams.
Both the other guys say, "How in Hell did you do that?"
"Me play old trick," he says, "put hot sauce on my poker!
Added: Monday 27th July 2009 12:00:02
DO YOUR BOOBS?
One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"
Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**
Added: Friday 24th July 2009 12:00:02
RESCUED
A fireman climbs up to the bedroom window of a burning house and finds a gorgeous blonde in a see through nightie.
"Aha! You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"I'm not pregnant!" the blonde exclaims.
"You're not rescued yet either."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 23rd July 2009 12:00:01
AN AFRICAN KING
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
Added: Thursday 23rd July 2009 06:00:03
NO BALL ROOM
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
Added: Wednesday 22nd July 2009 12:00:01
YOU MAY BE A SUBMISS
If you hear the term "House Whip" on CNN and then get disappointed that they're talking about politics.
If a friend of yours tells you she can't get out of the house because she's all tied up....and you get jealous.
If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street.
If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking or two during the course of a year.
If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X's and The Story of O's.
If you hear a confused person say, "Beat me!" and you automatically yell out "Me next!".
If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel. (The same holds true if you make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance).
If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders.
If you think that the three basic materials for bed sheets are linen, silk and leather. (or at the least, kinky in general)
If you call your personal vibrator "Sir".
If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees.
If you see a road sign displaying, "Chains required" and wonder if that means, whips are optional.
If you read a headline about sub warfare, and picture two naked women cat-fighting over a cute Dom.
If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood.
Added: Sunday 19th July 2009 06:00:04
SCREW IN A LIGHT BUL
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Added: Sunday 19th July 2009 00:00:02
KNICKERLESS
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Added: Saturday 18th July 2009 12:00:01
PORN MOVIES
Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Added: Friday 17th July 2009 18:00:01
JURASSIC LESBIANS??!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur??............
........ Lickalotapus!!
Added: Friday 17th July 2009 12:00:01
DENTAL FLOSS
What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 17th July 2009 00:00:01
SO THOR!
One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples amking out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her. The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom. While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am". So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl lokks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!
Added: Thursday 16th July 2009 12:00:02
SILK PYJAMAS
A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies.
"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
Added: Thursday 16th July 2009 00:00:01
AFRICAN ROULETTE
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette."
"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
Added: Tuesday 14th July 2009 12:00:01
PROCRASTINATION
How are procrastination and masturbation alike?
At first its all fun, but then in the end u just realize your fucking yourself.
Added: Monday 13th July 2009 18:00:02
HOW DO THEY MAKE
A girl is waiting for the doctor to arrive. When he does he pulls on a pair of rubber gloves. The girl asks the doctor " how do they make rubber gloves? " The doctor says " they mold the rubber over the human hand. " At this the girl busts up laughing. The doctor says " whats so funny. " The girl says " I just wondered how they make condoms. "
Added: Monday 13th July 2009 12:00:02
BUY ME A DRINK
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.
"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 12th July 2009 00:00:01
PARTNER SWAPPING
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Added: Saturday 11th July 2009 12:00:01
OPENING THE BEERS
A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
"Fine, "said the lumberjack," and tell her to bring a couple of beers."
In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.
"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"
"Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."
Added: Saturday 11th July 2009 06:00:04
PROM NIGHT
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzie wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much."
Added: Friday 10th July 2009 18:00:01
DEATHBED
A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," The husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man dies happy.
The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three!"
Added: Thursday 9th July 2009 12:00:01
HOCKEY
Why do Canadians always do it doggie-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 9th July 2009 00:00:02
SLEPT ON THE FLOOR
Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor.
You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had.
--Jay Leno
Added: Wednesday 8th July 2009 12:00:01
THE NAKED MODEL
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris,standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the darts team haven't."
Added: Wednesday 8th July 2009 00:00:01
MAKING CAKES
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?â€
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?â€
Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
Added: Tuesday 7th July 2009 06:00:04
WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE
A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Added: Tuesday 7th July 2009 00:00:01
THE GATES OF HEAVEN
Three nuns die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven ST. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go fisrt and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her "Who was the first man on Earth?"
. She says thats easy Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the gates of heaven open wide and the nun enters. Well the second nun steps up and says I guess I will go next. St Peter asks her "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
She answers thats easy Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last nun steps up and says I guess it is my turn now. St Peter then asks her "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
. The nun thinks and thinks and she cant come up with what Evesaid to Adam first so she looks at St Peter and says "Thats hard". Lights flash, horns blow bells ring and the gates of heaven open up.
Added: Saturday 4th July 2009 12:00:01
CINDERELLA'S BALL
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"Cough, gag, choke...."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 4th July 2009 00:00:01
NEW SECRETARY
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 06:00:04
LESBIAN OPERATION.
What is a lesbians common operation called?. A Strapadicktome.
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 12:00:02
DRINK, DANCE AND ...
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.
Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.
Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 00:00:01
BAD SEX ED GRADE
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 06:00:04
PLAYING MAGIC
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “Want to play Magic?”
She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 18:00:01
LAYED OFF
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Added: Monday 29th June 2009 12:00:02
GOING SKIING
It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."
Added: Monday 29th June 2009 00:00:01
TOAST
There was a boy who wasn't developing very well in his "downstairs department".
So his mum took him to the doctor to get him examined and see if there was anything the doctor could do.
"Well there isn't much wrong" said the doctor, "but if you feed him lots of toast, it should soon rectify itself".
So the next day, the boy comes home from school and there is a massive pile of toast on the table, about 30 pieces high.
"Awwww mum, is that all for me?" said the boy.
"No, the top two slices are for you, the rest is for your dad!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Tantilazing and Curtis
Added: Sunday 28th June 2009 06:00:04
HONEY IF YOU COULD..
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".
Added: Saturday 27th June 2009 12:00:01
QUESTION:
What's pink and hard when it goes in... and soft and wet when it comes out?
ANSWER:
Bubblegum!
Added: Saturday 27th June 2009 06:00:03
BRA SIZES
What those bra size 'letters' mean ...
A for Almost there
B for Barely boobs
C for Can live with these
D for Damn good
E for Enormous
F for FAKE!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 26th June 2009 18:00:01
THANKS GIVING
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Added: Friday 26th June 2009 00:00:01
COME HOME EARLY HONE
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbour replied, "His name is Bill."
Added: Monday 22nd June 2009 00:00:01
HOMOSEXUALS ON A HOT
Two homosexuals named Richard and Colin were living together.
It was stinking hot one day and Colin arrived home to find Richard with his ass in the freezer.
"Richard! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?"
Richard replied, "It was so hot outside I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!"
Added: Sunday 21st June 2009 12:00:01
SEXY POEM
sex is when a guys communication,
enters a girls information
to increse the population
for a younger genertion
do you get the information
or do you need a demonstaration
Added: Sunday 21st June 2009 06:00:04
ELEPHANTS
Q. WHY DO ELEPHANTS HAVE 4 FEET?
A.THEY WOULD LOOK SILLY WITH 6 INCHES.
Added: Saturday 20th June 2009 00:00:01
KICK IN THE FACE
Dave and Jeff are throwing a few back at their local bar when Jeff asks, "You know that really gorgeous girl at work? The one I get a hard-on for every time I see her?"
"Yeah," Dave replies.
"Well, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her. I asked her out and she said yes," Jeff says excitedly.
"That's great!" Dave says. "When are you going out with her?"
"I went to meet her earlier tonight," says Jeff, "but I was so worried about getting hard that I duct taped my wang to my leg so it wouldn't show. When I got to her house, she answered the door in the sheerest, tiniest dress I've ever seen."
"Well, what happened?" asks Dave.
Jeff leans in and says, "I kicked her in the face."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 19th June 2009 12:00:01
PICKLE SLICER
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 19th June 2009 06:00:04
QUICKIE?
This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.
The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'.
The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.'
The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'.
The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...'
Added: Thursday 18th June 2009 18:00:02
BREASTS TOO SMALL
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing. Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day. And to help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning. She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
Added: Wednesday 17th June 2009 12:00:01
TICKLE ME ELMO
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Added: Wednesday 17th June 2009 06:00:04
CELEBRITY - GOLF
What is the worst golfing foursome in history?
O. J. Simpson, Susan Smith, Heidi Fleis, and Greg Louganis.
O. J. has a real mean slice.
Susan Smith drives everything into the water.
Heidi Fleis is a hooker.
And Greg Louganis always hits onto the wrong hole.
Submitted by tbone
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 16th June 2009 06:00:05
VASECTOMY
A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy. During the delicate operation, one of his testicles falls onto the floor and before the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.
The doctor tells the nurse, "Don't worry, we can replace it. Get me a very small onion." She does and the doctor replaces the missing ball with the onion.
A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor, who asks him what seems to be the problem.
"Well, it's like this," the patient replies. "Every time I take a piss, my eyes water. Every time I come, I get heartburn, and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!"
Added: Tuesday 16th June 2009 00:00:01
DOCTORS VISIT
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Added: Saturday 13th June 2009 12:00:01
YOUR INHERITANCE
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy. Can I help you?"
the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else....."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... It was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?"
replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man.
"Your Father died. and left you some money. - She gave me the $3,000 to give to you.
Added: Saturday 13th June 2009 06:00:04
GROWING WILD
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Added: Thursday 11th June 2009 18:00:01
ANAGRAMS
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory ... Dirty Room
Evangelist ... Evil's Agent
Desperation ... A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code ... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines ... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity ... Is No Amity
Mother-in law ... Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms ... Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness ... Genuine Class
Semolina ...Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries ... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes ... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two ... Twelve plus one
Contradiction ... Accord not in it
President Clinton of the USA ... To copulate, he finds interns.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Thursday 11th June 2009 12:00:01
STATE FARM INSURANCE
An extensive interview was being conducted on an old couple.
The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman . . . . . DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?
The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied: NO . . . . . STATE FARM.
Added: Tuesday 9th June 2009 06:00:05
2 WONDERFUL HOURS
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Added: Sunday 7th June 2009 06:00:06
TRY NURSING!
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed, I tried being a writer and failed, then I tried being a sales clerk, and I failed at that too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, I'll give it a try!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 5th June 2009 06:00:03
DOGGIE STYLE
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied,
"She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
Added: Friday 5th June 2009 00:00:01
BIRDS AND BEES
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Added: Thursday 4th June 2009 18:00:01
GETTING SCREWED
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.
An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 3rd June 2009 18:00:01
BIRTH CONTROL PILL
What's a birth control pill?
The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant!
Added: Monday 1st June 2009 06:00:05
QUICKIES
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
4) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
5) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
6) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
7) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
8) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
9) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
10) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
11) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Added: Sunday 31st May 2009 12:00:02
LUCKY FROG
A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day.
As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood."
I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood."
I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood.
I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood.
It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me.
At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever.
I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette.
I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel.
After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser.
Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but the frog asked me again.
So I kissed the frog and it turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life.
And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
Added: Sunday 31st May 2009 00:00:01
GIRL FRIEND
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."
Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Added: Saturday 30th May 2009 06:00:04
HELD RANSOM
A girl had invented a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it.
So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."
The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
Added: Wednesday 27th May 2009 06:00:06
SPREADING LEGS
A guy walks up to a woman and begins staring at her legs. He says "You have very nice legs".
While blushing, the woman thanks him and asks for his name.
The man says, "My name isn't important", and continues staring at her legs.
He looks up at her face and says "You have extremely nice legs.. What time do they open?"
.
Added: Tuesday 26th May 2009 18:00:02
WHY
Why do they make glow in the dark condoms?
So gay guys can play star wars.
Added: Monday 25th May 2009 00:00:01
SIX FREE GIRLS
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening.
The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.
Confused, the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 22nd May 2009 18:00:02
A LITTLE PUSSY
A man was on a date with a woman. They had returned to her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out. Nibbling her earlobe, the man whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."
She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."
Added: Wednesday 20th May 2009 12:00:01
DRUNK FARMERS
A couple of farmers were walking back across the fields after a boozy lunch at the local when they spotted a lamb caught fast in the fence.
Ahrr, Jem, I could wish that was Anna Kournikova stuck in that fence like that," chortled one.
Jem replied "Well, I'm just wishing it was dark".
Added: Sunday 17th May 2009 12:00:02
LOOK HE'S MOVING!
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING !!"
Added: Saturday 16th May 2009 12:00:01
VEGAS HIGH ROLLER
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that’s outrageous.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."
"What, that’s outrageous."
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
Added: Saturday 16th May 2009 06:00:04
NEWLY-WED COUPLE
this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex: wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u husband: were married now u can tell me any thing wife: im flat chested husband: i dont believe u..prove it so she takes off her shirt husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too wife: were married now u can tell me any thing husband: im "weighed like a baby" wife: i dont believe you prove it so he takes off his pants wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?? husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
Added: Thursday 14th May 2009 18:00:01
KNEASELS
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"
Added: Wednesday 13th May 2009 12:00:01
GOOD IN BED
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who would treat her nicely, wouldn't run away from her, and would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Added: Wednesday 13th May 2009 06:00:03
LEAVING NOW
Roger goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair and has his hair cut.
When the barber finishes, Roger gets up, but as he’s pulling out his wallet, the barber goes to take a leak in the corner of the room, then zips up and walks back over.
Handing the barber a $20 bill, Roger says, “It’s none of my business, but why did you just urinate in the corner of your own shop?”
The barber says, “My lease runs out in a week. What do I care?”
The barber goes to the register to get Roger his change. When he comes back, he finds Roger squatting in the corner, dropping a deuce.
“What the hell are you doing?” the barber yells.
“Hey,” Roger says, “I’m leaving now.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 12th May 2009 06:00:05
3 QUESTIONS
Eve really wanted 2 become really popular so she went to church 2 go speak 2 god. when she got there she told god tht she wanted to be popular. God sed answer the nxt 3 questions and all ur wishes will come true.
God- Question 1: Wot is ur name? Eve- Thts easy y its eve! God- Correct
God- Question 2:Who do u really adore? Eve- Adam! god- Correct#
God- Now 4 the final question u have to think very hard 4 it! God- Question 3: Wot was the first thing u sed to Adam? Eve- ummmmm........ Thts a hard 1 God- Correct
UR NXT 30 WISHES COME TRUE NOW THINK WISELY B4 U USE THEM ALL!!!
Added: Tuesday 12th May 2009 00:00:01
BIG IN TEXAS
A big Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed...
"My, you sure have big shoulders"
The Texan replied "maam, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed...
"My you sure have big legs"
The Texan replied "maam, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big"
When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was fabbergasted, and decided to sample his manhood.
As she was bent over the table the Texan asked..
"Ma'am, what part of Texas did you say you were from?"
Added: Monday 11th May 2009 00:00:01
THE COMPLAINT
The complaint:
Ms.B.Haven;
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The response:
Dear Penis;
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Editted by Calamjo and Curtis
Added: Saturday 9th May 2009 06:00:03
DEAD PUSSY
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
Added: Friday 8th May 2009 06:00:04
BANANA VIBES
the banana looked at the vibrator , and said , i dont know why your shaking , its me shes going to eat
Added: Monday 4th May 2009 18:00:02
TRICK-OR-TREAT V SEX
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8 ) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 2nd May 2009 18:00:02
LOST IT!
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 2nd May 2009 00:00:02
WATCHING THE GAME
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Added: Friday 1st May 2009 12:00:01
BURLESQUE SCHOOL
My mom nearly fainted when I graduated from the School of Burlesque.
We all walked on stage wearing cap and gown, and left wearing just two tassels.
Added: Friday 1st May 2009 06:00:04
CLOCK SHOP
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.
While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
Added: Thursday 30th April 2009 00:00:02
PRISONER
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 29th April 2009 12:00:02
ENERGIZER BUNNY DIES
News Flash :
Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
Added: Tuesday 28th April 2009 12:00:02
MONKEY BLOWJOB
This is a secret that Joe once told me...
About a year ago Joe wanted to go to south California, and because of lack of means he decided to hitch hike. So, Joe is walking along side the road for about three hours and the sun is blazing down on him and he starts to think "why did I choose to do this, this sucks ass".
Just after that thought, a truck pulled up in front of him.
Joe ran up to the cab, popped open the door and said. "Hey, how far south you headed?"
The trucker answered, "Just about another five hundred miles, do you want to ride with me?"
Of course Joe was like hell yeah, so he hopped up in the cab. The trucker starts pulling back onto the road and Joe puts his seat belt on.
Then Joe notices this strange little monkey sitting on the seat between him and the driver. He thought it was a little strange for a trucker to have a pet monkey, but didn't question the trucker. About twenty miles down the road from where Joe was picked up the trucker finally started a conversation with him.
Trucker says, "Hey, you wanna see something cool?"
Joe replies, "yeah, sure".
SMACK!, the trucker wacked the monkey upside the head. The monkey jumped up, crawled on the truckers lap, unzipped his pants and starting sucking him off. The trucker got off and was done so the monkey sat back down between him and Joe.
The trucker turns to Joe, "Hey ya wanna give that a try?"
Joe replies, "Yeah, but you won't have to hit me as hard!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 25th April 2009 18:00:01
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back.
Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?" --Jay Leno
Added: Friday 24th April 2009 18:00:01
HARLEY OR HOOVER?
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Added: Wednesday 22nd April 2009 18:00:03
NEW INVENTION
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Added: Monday 20th April 2009 00:00:01
GOODNIGHT KISS
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.."
Added: Sunday 19th April 2009 18:00:04
WASHING MACHINE
What is the difference between a washing machine and a sorority girl?
You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for three weeks.
Added: Sunday 19th April 2009 12:00:02
100 PEOPLE
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Added: Saturday 18th April 2009 18:00:04
HARASSMENT?
Do you know what sexual harassment is?
It's when a man talks dirty to a woman.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 17th April 2009 06:00:03
A DARING NEW POSITIO
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
Added: Thursday 16th April 2009 18:00:02
SOMEBODY COMING
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody coming?
That was me!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 14th April 2009 18:00:03
WELCOME ABOARD
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight."
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his co-pilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I'm gonna shag the brains outta that new blonde flight attendant."
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a shit first."
Added: Tuesday 14th April 2009 06:00:05
UNDERSTANDING ENGLIS
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said.
" Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?"
he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.
Added: Saturday 11th April 2009 12:00:01
3 BIRDS GET LUCKY
Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"
The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"
The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"
Added: Friday 10th April 2009 18:00:02
I'M MOVING OUT
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 8th April 2009 18:00:03
HOW A MAN MAKES LOVE
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 7th April 2009 12:00:01
A LITTLE... ORAL?
The bar was getting ready to close, so Richard asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends,..."
she quickly responded.
"...Your face, or mine?"
Added: Tuesday 7th April 2009 06:00:03
FOUL PLAY
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 6th April 2009 06:00:04
MAKING LOVE TO...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
Added: Sunday 5th April 2009 06:00:04
WIFE IN COMA
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she had been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in and then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened.
The man replied, 'She choked.'
Added: Saturday 4th April 2009 06:00:05
KNICKERLESS
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Added: Thursday 2nd April 2009 00:00:01
LUCKIEST GUY
Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up.
"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.
"This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."
"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"
"Let's just say I got lucky."
"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"
"I would," Paul says.
"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."
Added: Wednesday 1st April 2009 18:00:02
CROTCHLESS PANTIES
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.
She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
Added: Sunday 29th March 2009 06:00:05
PICK UP LINES THAT M
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
Added: Saturday 28th March 2009 12:00:02
THREE KINDS OF SEX
House Sex- When you first get married and you have sex in every room.
Bedroom Sex-After you been married a while,you only have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex-After you been married a long time,you pass each other in the hallway and say fuck you!
Added: Friday 27th March 2009 12:00:01
A SCROTE?
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
Added: Friday 27th March 2009 00:00:01
YOU SMELL GOOD!
This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "Your really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
Added: Thursday 26th March 2009 18:00:02
GETTING SCREWED
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
Added: Wednesday 25th March 2009 18:00:02
HERE KITTY, KITTY...
a woman went to see her sex therapist because her marriage was going downhill, and she felt that se would save it, so the sex therapist gave her these pills which she said would help her husband get into the mood for sex, but only take one a night. so the woman took them home and gave her husband one. the next day she went and thatnked the therapist and asked what would happen if she gave he husband two pills, the sex thereapist said she didnt know, but she could try it and find out, so she did. the next day once again, she went back to thank the sex therapist, and asked what would happen if she gave her husband the remainder of the bottle, the therapist said she didnt know, but to try it and see. the next day a little boy went into the office, "are you the twat that gave my mum those pills?"
asked the boy.
"Yes."
replied the therapist, "how did it go?"
to which the boy replied, "Well, my mum is dead, my sister is pregnant, my arse hurts, and my dad is ssat in the corner going, 'here kitty kitty!"
Added: Wednesday 25th March 2009 06:00:04
KIDDIE POOL
The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, which Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool.
Added: Sunday 22nd March 2009 12:00:01
ANATOMY CLASS
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said.
"He's at home, taking care of the kids.
Added: Tuesday 10th March 2009 12:00:02
ESCAPED CONVICT
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy night-gown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn`t seen a woman in years.
Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I`m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."
Added: Monday 9th March 2009 06:00:02
ETHIOPIAN BLOW JOB
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.
Added: Sunday 8th March 2009 06:00:05
BOLNDE, BRUNETTE AND READHEAD
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their obgyn. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl...
The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!"
The two others smile and...
The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!"
The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask...
"Why are you crying?"
"I think I'm going to have a puppy!"
Added: Friday 6th March 2009 00:00:01
GOMBER PYLE IN THEAT
one day gomber pyle took his girlfriend to the movies and while they're waiting for the movie to start he says honey can i put my arms around you and she says sure and he did so a couple minutes later he says dear can i kiss you passiontly and she says why not so they kiss for about 3 minutes straight so about 5 minutes later he says baby can i blow in you ear and she says o.k. so he does then he says baby can i put my finger in your belly button and she says o.k. i guess so around that time the lights go out and the movie starts and all of a sudden she screams and yells and says you bastard that ain't my belly button and he says surprise surprise that ain't my finger either.
Added: Thursday 5th March 2009 18:00:02
SEXUAL DESIRE
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;' cinsely ous mdyl isnt';dk
Added: Tuesday 3rd March 2009 12:00:01
LAST SEX?
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. 'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.' 'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
Added: Monday 2nd March 2009 18:00:01
FAMOUS SEX QUOTES
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex?
. . .Me neither."
--Drew Carey
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
--Bill Kelly
"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen." -- Rev. Sydney Smith
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date
on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen
"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly
gifted aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married."
--Matt Barry
"Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
--Camille Paglia
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
Added: Saturday 28th February 2009 12:00:02
ADULTERY OR SMOKING
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't enough time during a coffee break."
Added: Friday 27th February 2009 06:00:04
WILD NYMPHO
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes out to his car.
They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later,
a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside.
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?"
The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."
The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."
The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."
Added: Thursday 26th February 2009 18:00:01
WORM BACK IN HOLE
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Added: Tuesday 24th February 2009 06:00:04
MR BEAR & MR RABBIT
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Added: Sunday 22nd February 2009 18:00:02
V.D. ?
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Sunday 22nd February 2009 00:00:01
THOR
One night the Norse God, Thor was feeling a bit horny, so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs.
He picked up a good looking woman with a great body and they went to her apartment.
The girl's only defect was that she had a speech impediment, but the sex was good, nonetheless.
They went at it hot and heavy all night long.
In the morning, Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now."
She looked at him and said, "You're thore? I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Saturday 21st February 2009 18:00:02
I'M HURT
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"
She replies. "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called, or even written!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 20th February 2009 12:00:01
IRISH WEDDING
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. Things got out of hand, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded...
"Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
Added: Thursday 19th February 2009 18:00:02
CREDIT
A man walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.
After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him, "Just what is your way?"
"On credit."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 16th February 2009 06:00:04
DOING PUSHUPS
One cucumber was telling another "my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad."
The other cucumber said "yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me."
A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, "my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke."
Added: Wednesday 11th February 2009 12:00:01
DENNIS RODMAN
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Added: Tuesday 10th February 2009 18:00:02
HOME FROM THE AIR FORCE
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
Added: Sunday 8th February 2009 18:00:02
GRANDAD'S SEX AD
At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."
Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, granddad?"
His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"
Added: Sunday 8th February 2009 00:00:01
HORNY PARROT
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, "what are you doing to my poor parrot?"
The male parrot replies, "for fifteen bucks, I want her naked!"
Added: Friday 6th February 2009 00:00:02
THIS ONES YOURS!
One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, "Honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat."
"Twenty dollars!... are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."
They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, "You see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine."
He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He looks over to his wife and says, "Honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?"
"Well," she replies. "Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifts up her skirt.
"You see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one's the butcher's."
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 5th February 2009 06:00:04
CAR CRASH
There are these two gay men, named Syrel and Sessil, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.
All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!
Syrel and Sessil were really pissed!
Syrel says to Sessil to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.
So Sessil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!
"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Sessil. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"
"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.
This prompted Sessil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Syrel.
"I think he wants to settle out of court, Syrel."
Added: Monday 2nd February 2009 12:00:02
CLEVER MIDGET
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 1st February 2009 06:00:04
WOMEN AND WATCHES
Why don't women wear watches? There's a clock on the stove!
Added: Saturday 31st January 2009 12:00:01
CHINESE TORTURE
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.
The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".
Added: Saturday 31st January 2009 06:00:02
MADE THE TEAM
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing wearing a football jersey?"
She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"
He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."
"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 29th January 2009 06:00:03
50 YEARS ON
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished."
Added: Wednesday 28th January 2009 12:00:02
GROUP SEX
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said that sex orgies relieve tension and should be encouraged.
Apparently, Justice Scalia got into group sex in 2000, after he and a group of four other justices got together and f*#Ked Al Gore.
-Bill Maher
Added: Wednesday 28th January 2009 06:00:01
THIS ISN'T USUAL
The businessman got home at about 6pm. He'd barely got in the door when his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss.
Then she pulled him into the bedroom, shoved him down on the bed, unzipped his pants, and started to suck on him.
The man stared at her for a minute, then grimaced.
"All right, Doris," he said, "what have you done to the car this time?"
Added: Monday 26th January 2009 00:00:01
WHAT'S FOR DINNER
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
Added: Sunday 25th January 2009 12:00:01
TRIPLETS
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 25th January 2009 00:00:01
PUMPKIN FUCKER
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the county courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the county courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to him and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. She just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
"He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 24th January 2009 12:00:01
FEELS GREAT...
A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"
She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!
He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".
Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."
The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"
Added: Friday 23rd January 2009 18:00:02
16 YEARS LATER
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Added: Thursday 22nd January 2009 12:00:02
PALESTINIAN SEX DOLL
I went to a Sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian Sex doll.
When I got it home, it blew itself up.
Added: Tuesday 20th January 2009 00:00:01
MAGIC SANDALS
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".
Added: Monday 19th January 2009 06:00:02
WATERMELON
Whats pink and smells of watermelon?!
A a college virgin male's penis
Added: Sunday 18th January 2009 06:00:01
PHONE CALL
a blond woman wants to make a phone call, but she has no money.
she goes to a call centre and asks if she could use the phone to call her mum.
The operator says meet me out the back in 10 minutes.
10 minutes later she goes round the back and sees the operator, the operator pulls down his trousers and says go on then.
the blond grabs his dick and says "HELLO MUM"
Added: Thursday 15th January 2009 18:00:02
STEROID USE IN NFL
Congress will hold hearings next week to investigate steroid use in NFL football.
Everybody is fed up. The pro scouts all say that in tomorrow's NFL draft they are looking for old-fashioned football players, the kind with cocaine problems.
-Argus Hamilton
Added: Wednesday 14th January 2009 06:00:01
KERMITS ATTENTION
What do you get when you put two green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
Submitted by
Edited by
Added: Wednesday 14th January 2009 00:00:02
HORNEY
im horney
Added: Tuesday 13th January 2009 12:00:02
DONT SPILL THE PAINT
A man and his girlfriend were messing around in bed.
"Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."
"Well, you better get your canvas ready," he said, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"
Submitted by curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Monday 12th January 2009 06:00:01
MAGIC GOBLINS
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".
So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", the goblins replies "OK, you've got it."
The woman thinks... "My second wish is a Mercedes."
"OK, you've got that too."
"My last wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."
"OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"
"I'm 27", she replies.
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in magic goblins!"
Added: Monday 12th January 2009 00:00:04
GOLF LESSONS
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet. She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Added: Sunday 11th January 2009 12:00:04
6 REASONS
6 resons why it's bad to be a dick
1. You got a hole in your head
2. If your jewish you get you scalp cut off
3. Your closest neighbour is a ass hole
4. Your best friend is a pussy
5. You shrivell up in water
6. Water comes out your head
Added: Friday 9th January 2009 12:00:01
THE OLD LADY!
One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won't do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.
Added: Tuesday 6th January 2009 00:00:02
ERECTION
This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
Added: Monday 5th January 2009 18:00:01
JUST A BLOW JOB
The couple gets to the girlfriend's house after going out when they're at the front door
the boyfriend asked the girlfriend:
"Before you go in , why don't you give me a blow job?"
She says: "what? Are u out of your mind?"
"just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby"
"are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us"
" oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby"
"I already said no … so quit asking for it"
"I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I'm going to explode
is just a blow job"
"I said no , ok?"
"come on , don't be like that, just a blow job"
In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all
sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says:
"My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don't want to, I'll do
it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he'll give him the blow job , but please
"ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US FUCKING SLEEP"
Added: Monday 5th January 2009 06:00:02
WHO IS BETTER?
These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Sunday 4th January 2009 18:00:02
BALL SCRATCHING
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 2nd January 2009 00:00:01
JONNY IS OFF
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Added: Thursday 1st January 2009 12:00:01
FRED'S OBITUARY
The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary.
The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word.
She thinks for a moment and says, "Fred's dead."
The man then informs her there is a five word minimum.
She says "Okay... Fred's dead, Buick for sale"
Added: Tuesday 30th December 2008 00:00:01
ORANGE MEMBER
This one guy goes to the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says "Hello, sir, what are you here for?"
The man replies "Doc, for a week I have had an orange dick!, it started scaring me so I came here"
The doctor then asks him "What have you been doing all week?"
The patient thought and replied "I have just been sitting around watching porno’s and eating Chee-Toes"
Added: Monday 29th December 2008 12:00:01
FLEA IN MIAMI
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
Added: Monday 29th December 2008 06:00:02
KEEP OFF THE GRASS
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: 'keep off the grass.'
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 28th December 2008 00:00:01
PETEY
There was a little boy named petey, he was playing football with his friends, when he accidetally threw the ball over a fence into a neighbors yard. A hot ass chic
comes out, takes the ball, and throws it farther into her yard, then she says come in my yard, then he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says alright. then she says come in my house, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok, they go in the house, and she says come in my room, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says allright. They get in the room and she says take off your clothes, and he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy he says allright. When they are naked she says lay on my bed, he says petey dont want to maybe later, she says ill tell my daddy, he says ok.
then she gets on top of him, they are havin lots o' fun, then the dad comes in and says get off my daughter! and he says petey dont want to maybe tommorow.
Added: Saturday 27th December 2008 18:00:03
GO DOWN IN FLAMES
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 25th December 2008 00:00:01
THREE COINS
Place three coins on the table in front of you. Pick one up and place it against your forehead.
Does this remind you of your first sexual experience? If not, scroll down. . . . . . . . .
Now hold two of the coins against your nose.
Does this remind you of your first sexual experience? If not, scroll down. . . . . . . . .
Now hold all three coins in one hand and shake them vigorously. Does *this* remind you of your first sexual experience?
Added: Tuesday 23rd December 2008 12:00:01
HAD ANY STIFF ONES
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
Added: Tuesday 23rd December 2008 06:00:02
I PICKED UP A HOOKER
One day a guy picks up a hooker. He takes her to a fleabag motel, and they get undressed and get into bed. He gets excited and they go ahead and start messing around. He puts his knob into her and commences to screw her, when he notices that her insides are rough, and are scratching the daylights out of him. Guy says,"Baby, your pussy is killing me. What's the problem?"
She replies, "Excuse me for a minute."
She goes into the bathroom, then returns. They start to have sex again, and he notices it is smooth, and even quite lubricated. They get done, and he asks," What happened? It was so rough, and then when you got back, it was great. What did you do?"
She replies, "Oh, I just picked off the scabs."
Added: Tuesday 23rd December 2008 00:00:01
GAMES COUPLES CAN PL
Flower Power
Don't wait for spring, do this one now. Attach flower petals around the head of your Trouser Browser. Place in the centre of a bouquet of flowers and present to your lover.
Cocktail Penis
A toast, and what could make it better than to have your own swizzle stick. Simply hold out your glass to your favourite Cocktail Weinie and say, stir please, sir. Olives optional.
Ruler Penis
Yes, we're practicing Men's Math here, and that's an easy trick. A few lines, a few numbers on your lap lizard, and voila! A penis that rules.
Make It Dance
That's right. Just pinch up it's little head, put some music on and let Mr. Bojangles jangle. It's a little like chair dancing. A little classical music and you have your own ballet. A bit of white netting around the pubic hair
- a ballerina; a white condom - a ballerino!
Aeropenis
Fly these friendly skies. Mr. Aviator is coming in for a landing. Oh No! The landing gears are not responding!! Better foam the landing strip with whip cream!!!
Disappearing Act
Hide his schlong between his legs. Looks like a girl, huh? Try placing a lovely pair of panties next to his crotch to complete the effect. But you run the risk of this trick backfiring - he might like the panties thing a little too much.
Bassapenis
Is he such a good puppy? Just paint a few spots on his root-o-rama, attach little doggy ears and tail, and voila, you got your basic Bassapenis. You might want to try a dachshund and give a whole new meaning to the term "weiner dog."
Oh god, just envisioning a poodle penis!
Penis Scream
Easy trick. Just re-run those newsclips of Lorena's Revenge. Enough to give any trouser snake the screaming meemies.
Tampenis
You know he doesn't like to willingly submit his schwanschtucker (Young Frankenstein revisited) to weird dressing up, but isn't it amazing what a little card board, a cottonball, and a piece of string can do?
Troll Penis
This trick was inspired by Mimi and her Troll Doll collection. Why not start your own Troll Penis collection. Collect swatches of bright-collared fake fur, tape to top of Mr. Happy's head, and comb in that all-important upward motion. When tired, your Troll Penis can go back to The Cave to "rest".
Penis Cocktail
Hungry for a little seafood? Whether yours is a shrimp or a jumbo shrimp, try Mama Heartless's Penis Cocktail. A little sauce, a squirt or two of lemon, a twig of parsley. Mmmmmm, good.
Added: Sunday 21st December 2008 12:00:01
WHAT IS IT?
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"
Added: Sunday 21st December 2008 06:00:01
MARTIAN SEX
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money.
Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips.
He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick.
`I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'
'Well.' she replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.'
'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Added: Monday 15th December 2008 00:00:01
ON THE TRAIN
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'
Added: Friday 12th December 2008 12:00:01
DOG CIRCUS
i went to the doctor the other day and he said john how is your sex life ? i said doc its like a dog circus . he said a dog circus what do you mean by that. well i sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
Added: Friday 12th December 2008 06:00:01
WHY STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Added: Friday 12th December 2008 00:00:02
SEXUAL PROTECTION
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
Added: Thursday 11th December 2008 18:00:01
SHORTEST BOOKS
The Shortest Books Ever Written.
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything Men Know About Women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 8th December 2008 06:00:01
GOOD BAD & THE UGLY
Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 7th December 2008 12:00:02
REMEDY FOR A ONE MIN
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Added: Sunday 7th December 2008 00:00:01
BLOWJOB
What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob,
You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Added: Saturday 6th December 2008 12:00:01
THREE WISHES
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich. "
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Added: Thursday 4th December 2008 12:00:01
LEG OVER
HUSBAND: "Would you like sex tonight? WIFE: "No" HUSBAND: "Are you sure"? WIFE: "Yes I'm sure."
HUSBAND: "Is that your final answer?"
WIFE: "Yes it is."
HUSBAND: "In that case can i phone a friend"?
Added: Thursday 4th December 2008 00:00:01
BLONDE'S MISTAKE
Three girls were flying in an airplane with a pilot who kept asking them to sleep with him while he flyed the plane. One girl was redhead, one was brunette, and one was a blonde. Everytime the pilot would try to get one of the girls alone to have sex, they would refuse. Finally, the pilot got mad and threatened to throw them all out of the plane. The redhead, frantic to save her life, stood in front of the pilot, wraped her arms around his head and shoved her breasts into his face.
"You wouldn't kick me out, would you?"
she asked him. He kissed her boobs through her shirt and said not anymore. The readhead went to sit down again. When the brunette saw that what the readhead had done had worked, she went and sat down on the pilots lap, thrusting her breasts in his face and wraping her legs around his head said, "you wouldn't kick me out, would you?"
Again, the pilot kissed her breasts, licked her butt, and said,"not anymore". The brunette walked away and sat back down. Then the pilot looked for the blonde so that he could get some more "lovin". He couldn't find her anywhere and decided that she would turn up soon enough. He went back into the cockpit and found the blonde lying with her clothes all off with the co-pilot (who was also uncovered) having sex. In between her screams, the blonde asked the co-pilot, "you wouldn't kick me out now, would you?"
Added: Monday 1st December 2008 00:00:02
5 MINUTES
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 30th November 2008 12:00:01
OLD FASHIONED WEDDIN
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
Added: Saturday 29th November 2008 12:00:01
SMILING FOR SEX
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?"
Again the answer was no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?"
the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
Added: Saturday 29th November 2008 06:00:01
CAR TROUBLE
A penguin pulled into a garage with car trouble.
A Walrus, attending, took the required info, accepted the job and the Penguin headed out to waste some time...ending up at an ice cream shop.
The Penguin, checked back in after a while.
"Looks like you blew a seal" said the Walrus.
"No way man" said the Penguin "It's vanilla ice cream"
Added: Friday 28th November 2008 12:00:02
ATTENTION
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 26th November 2008 00:00:01
SEX ON THE BACK SEAT
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Added: Tuesday 25th November 2008 12:00:01
CONTROLIN YOUR SPEED
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
Added: Sunday 23rd November 2008 18:00:01
FUZZ
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.
He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"
Added: Friday 21st November 2008 00:00:01
BOBBIN
What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
Added: Thursday 20th November 2008 12:00:01
PASTOR JOHN FUZZ
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"
Added: Thursday 20th November 2008 06:00:02
CHEQUE ACCOUNT
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank," says the teller.
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager assures her that under no circumstances should she have to listen to such foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fuckin' lottery..... and I want to open a damn checking account at this suckass bank."
"I see..." says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 20th November 2008 00:00:02
NUNS AND CUCUMBERS..
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
Added: Tuesday 18th November 2008 00:00:02
DOESN'T BELONG
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blow job
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 17th November 2008 06:00:01
NUDE HAND SIGNALS
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"
Added: Saturday 15th November 2008 00:00:01
CINDY CRAWFORD
Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making love.
One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting on my trousers and shirt?"
"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.
"And my jacket and tie?"
"Well, all right," she agreed.
"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"
"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.
"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"A regular guy?"
"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.
He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."
Added: Thursday 13th November 2008 00:00:01
CLEAN MY HOUSE
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when
the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful,
sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could
not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over
and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
Added: Wednesday 12th November 2008 12:00:01
TOE CURLING
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested that they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. It wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love, though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Flo looked at him and smiled.
"That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."
Added: Monday 10th November 2008 18:00:01
BIGGER IT GETS
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Added: Saturday 8th November 2008 18:00:01
DARK IN HERE
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
The boy says, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No, thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start THAT again."
Added: Saturday 8th November 2008 00:00:01
TAPE MEASURES
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
Tape measures!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 6th November 2008 12:00:01
VIAGRA FOR GRANDPA
Grandpa and grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know -- but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son said, "They're $10 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but he said he was going to the bank and would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I told you it was only $10 -- there's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's okay, -- the other $100 is from Grandma!"
Added: Tuesday 4th November 2008 18:00:01
NURSE SWALLOWS
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
Added: Tuesday 4th November 2008 06:00:01
SOMEONE COMMING
A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"
Added: Saturday 1st November 2008 12:00:01
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN
A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.
"Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Thank you very much," replied the woman.
The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds.
She thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks?" asks the guy.
"Five bucks!? What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we are just haggling over the price."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 30th October 2008 12:00:01
FUNNY RASH
This fella goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited By yisman
Added: Tuesday 28th October 2008 18:00:01
HOLD MY CAMEL
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex.
Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away.
The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel.
The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
Added: Monday 27th October 2008 00:00:02
BIGGER MEANS DUMBER
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 26th October 2008 00:00:01
FIRST THING TO DO AF
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.
"What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "your mother wants to eat first!"
Added: Friday 24th October 2008 12:00:01
WHO YOU MAKING LOVE
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Added: Thursday 23rd October 2008 06:00:01
BILLY BOB
One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff asks, "Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy Bob replies, 'Well Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissing and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
"Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots.
"Then Mary Lou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy Bob, let's go to town!'
"I guess I'm the first one here."
Added: Wednesday 22nd October 2008 12:00:01
WHAT'S THE DIFFE
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Added: Wednesday 22nd October 2008 06:00:02
CHILDREN'S MENU
Michael Jackson was arrested again yesterday.
According to the Santa Barbara Police, Michael Jackson is 5'11 and only weighs 120 pounds.
Michael is able to keep his weight down because he only orders off the children's menu. —Conan O'Brien
Added: Saturday 18th October 2008 12:00:01
LONG AND WHITE
What's eleven inches long and white?
Nothing.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 18th October 2008 06:00:01
SEX SURVEY
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote, 'Three times a week', and your wife, 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortage on the house."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 18th October 2008 00:00:01
TOOTH AND NAIL
Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left. —Jay Leno
Added: Tuesday 14th October 2008 06:00:01
CABBIE
One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'
'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
Added: Monday 13th October 2008 12:00:01
BABY
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push.
She does and the baby's head pops out.
The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes."
To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.â€
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again.
This time the baby's body comes out.
"Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says.
"Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out.
"Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said.
"Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry.
The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?"
The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"
Added: Sunday 12th October 2008 06:00:02
RAKING
Q:
How Did The Blonde Break Her Leg While Raking?
A:
She Fell Out Of The Tree
Added: Sunday 12th October 2008 00:00:01
WOMEN ON THE MOON
Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn't need cleaning.
Added: Saturday 11th October 2008 00:00:01
SUDDEN WIND STORM
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
Added: Friday 10th October 2008 06:00:02
PAP SMEAR
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Added: Thursday 9th October 2008 18:00:01
FLY OPEN
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?" She was quite witty.
"Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
Added: Thursday 9th October 2008 00:00:01
AFRAID TO COUGH
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Added: Wednesday 8th October 2008 18:00:01
REFRIGERATOR
Did you hear why the fag put his ass in the refrigerator?
So that his boyfriend would have something cool to slip into when he came home.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 7th October 2008 18:00:01
WET NOSE
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 7th October 2008 06:00:01
BACK OF THE BUS
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and took a set at the back.
She noticed the man opposite her looking at here smiling but not taking his eyes off of her.
So she moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed even more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested thinking that he was disturbed.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition...
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
__________________
Added: Sunday 5th October 2008 12:00:02
69 - VIEW
What's the only bad thing about the 69 position ? The view.
Added: Saturday 4th October 2008 12:00:02
DOING LAUNDRY
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 4th October 2008 00:00:01
DAD AND SON ON A ROA
This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip...and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one?"
The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"
the son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough" A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag" The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?"
the son replies once more "No"...The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isnt having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket...Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one.. The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man" The sone then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"
and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!" and the son replies....
"Good...go fuck yourself then..."
Added: Friday 3rd October 2008 00:00:02
WELL HUNG
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade, sipping a beer and listening to the radio.
As he chilled out, his wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing it up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The man's next-door neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouted across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung."
"I am." the man shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 2nd October 2008 18:00:01
STAFF REDUCTIONS
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
That night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."
Added: Thursday 2nd October 2008 00:00:01
CONDOMS
A little boy and his father walk into a drugstore and proceed down the aisle with the condoms.
The little boy sees a 3-pack of Trojans and asks his father who needs a 3-pack of condoms.
The father replies, "That's for the high school boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
The little boy then asks, "Well, what about this 6-pack of condoms?"
The father says, "That's for the college boys, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and two on Sunday."
The little boy's eyes widen when he sees the 12-pack of condoms and asks incredously, "What kind of man needs a 12-pack?"
The father replies, "Relax, son, that's for the married man, one for January, one for February,....."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 30th September 2008 12:00:01
GOLF LESSON
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Added: Monday 29th September 2008 12:00:01
12 CONDOMS
A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. "They come in packets of 3, 6 or 12," responds the pharmacist, "How many do you need?"
"Well" muses the young man, "I've known this wonderful girl for 7 months. Tonight I'm meeting her parents for the first time, then we're off to an all-night party. So I think tonight's the night. And, once she gets it, I know she'll want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend's house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays - and prays - and prays - and prays. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says "You never told me you were so religious!"
He answered her, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"
Added: Sunday 28th September 2008 06:00:02
HOROSCOPE
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 27th September 2008 12:00:02
HOT SAUCE
Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, "Whoever can make me scream the most gets $100."
The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says, "Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."
The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man, it's just not possible!"
Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face.
He returns after 10 minutes and forty screams.
Both the other guys ask, "How in hell did you do that?"
"Me play old trick," he says. "Me put hot sauce on my poker!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 25th September 2008 00:00:02
EX-WIFE LOVE MAKING
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation, "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
"Over my dead body!"
"You haven't changed a bit"
Added: Tuesday 23rd September 2008 12:00:01
THE BROOM FAMILY
A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?"
he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..."
said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
Added: Sunday 21st September 2008 12:00:01
OLD PATIENT
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
Added: Sunday 21st September 2008 06:00:01
HOW ABOUT A BLOW JOB
A guy walks into a bar already somewhat tipsy. He walks over to the nearest girl and says, "Hey, how 'bout a blowjob?"
She smashes him over the head with her purse. He looks up, dazed, from the floor and says, "Well, I guess a fuck's out of the question."
Added: Saturday 20th September 2008 18:00:02
FIRST TIME?
A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Friday 19th September 2008 18:00:01
LEGS IN THE AIR
One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him."
Her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
Added: Friday 19th September 2008 12:00:01
ROCKER SEX
An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.
Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
Added: Friday 19th September 2008 06:00:01
DYNAMITE
A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for ... the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!".
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, and strikes a muscle builders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!".
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks
"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?".
She replies "with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
Added: Friday 19th September 2008 00:00:01
FROG IN YOUR THROAT?
Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy are in the middle of a 69, when the phone rings.
It's Fozzy Bear on the other end, and he wants to speak with Miss Piggy.
Kermit replies, "She can't talk right now, she has a frog in her throat!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 18th September 2008 00:00:01
WHERE WILL YOU DRAW
Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed an gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress an stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for ....are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby".
Added: Wednesday 17th September 2008 12:00:01
KIDS SAY THE...
A little girl heard her parents fighting. She heard them say the words bitch and asshole. She asked her dad what they meant and he said ladies and gentlemen. She heard her parents fighting again and heard the words dick and pussy. She asked her mom what they meant and her mom said hats and coats.
It was thanksgiving and her dad was upstairs shaving and he cut himself and said shit. The little girl asked what it meant and he said shaving. Her mom was downstairs carving the turkey and cut herself and said fuck. She asked what it meant and her mom said carving the turkey.
The doorbell rang and the little girl answered it. It was her grandparents and other relatives. She said, "Welcome bitches and assholes. Put your dicks and pussy’s in the closet, Daddy is upstairs shitting and mommy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Added: Monday 15th September 2008 18:00:02
FANTASTIC LOVER
While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.
Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No," said his surprised wife.
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason, really," he replied with a sigh.
"It was just for one moment there I thought you moved."
Added: Monday 15th September 2008 00:00:01
NEW MAID
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down, the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
Added: Sunday 14th September 2008 12:00:02
INDIAN
this indian walks into a whore house and says, me wantem pussy. the lady at the door says,sir do you have any experiance, he replied no mam thats why i'm here. she said ,we only accept experianced custermers. the indian was frusterated as he walked back to his tribe. then he sees a tree with a knot hole and says perfect. the indian then walkes back to the whore house again and says, me wantem pussy. the lady at the door said do you have experiance now, indian said yes mam. the lady sends him to this beutiful woman on the second floor. when he walked in she asked him for his preference, and he replied, get down on hands and knees. the whore is thinking doggy style, then out of no where the indian kicks her in the ass, she jumps up and said what the hell was that for. the indian said "me checkem for bumble bees"
Added: Sunday 14th September 2008 00:00:01
ON A PROMISE
My brother was 'in with a promise' and so went into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?"
asked my brother.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee," says the ditz, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
Added: Saturday 13th September 2008 00:00:01
5 KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Added: Friday 12th September 2008 12:00:01
NUT HOUSE
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful."
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out"
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"
Added: Wednesday 10th September 2008 12:00:01
CRAZY WITH FRANKY
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball."
"She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole." "She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained.
"That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."
Added: Monday 8th September 2008 00:00:01
ACUTE
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to screw, when the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina." she said.
The man replied, "That's good because you have the ugliest breasts I have ever seen!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 6th September 2008 18:00:02
LORENA BOBBITT
Do you remember Lorena Bobbitt?
She was in a bloody car accident yesterday!
Some 'dick' cut her off!
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 6th September 2008 12:00:01
CHARGING HUBBIE FOR
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?"
asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied.
"But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?"
the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied.
"From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said.
"Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand.
"That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
Added: Saturday 6th September 2008 00:00:01
THREE SISTERS
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
Added: Tuesday 2nd September 2008 18:00:01
LEGS
What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
Her legs.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 2nd September 2008 00:00:01
OFF TO THE FOOT DOC
There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctor's office.
The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
The Drunk says, "Yes, I want some service." So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table."
So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
Added: Monday 1st September 2008 18:00:01
MARRITAL RULES
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.
"Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
Added: Monday 1st September 2008 06:00:01
50 FOOT PENIS
There were three guys that went into a penis shop.
One guy asked for a new wooden penis, so she gave him one and said "Come back tomorrow and tell me if you're satisfied."
So the next guy comes in and asks for a metal penis, so she gives him one and tells him the same thing.
The third guy comes in and asks for a fifty foot penis and she gives him one and says the same thing.
So the next day the first guy comes in and says he didn't like it. He was humping a girl and she got splinters in her.
So she says "You can have your old dick back then".
The next guy comes in and says he was humping a girl and she kept getting cold so he gave him his penis back.
Then he third guy came in and said "I love it"
So then he says, "See that girl over there?" he un- zips his pants then goes.............."I got her".
Editted by Curtis
Added: Monday 1st September 2008 00:00:01
CHEAP PERV
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"
The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
Added: Sunday 31st August 2008 12:00:01
OPEN WIDER
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman
Added: Saturday 30th August 2008 06:00:02
BIRTH CONTROL
Three women are discussing sex and birth control.
The first woman says,
'We're Catholic, so we can't use it.'
The second woman says,
`I'm also Catholic, but we use the rhythm method.'
The third woman says, `We use the bucket-and-saucer method.'
Fascinated, the other women ask for an explanation.
`Well, I'm 1.80 m and my husband is 1.50 m,' the third woman says.
'We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.'
Added: Friday 29th August 2008 00:00:01
TWO MIDGETS MEET TWO
there are 2 midgets who have adjoining rooms in a hotel with incredibly thin walls.They decided to check out the hotel bar , when they get there they see these 2 lovely blondes and manage to get them to go up2 there adjoining rooms.Midget number 1 says to midget number 2 "go on lad have fun !"..so Midget number 1 is in his room with this amazing blonde , she begins to strip off revealing a lovely toned body , and to his fustration he cant get a erection and to add to this he can hear midget number 2 in the next room shouting "1 - 2 - 3 arrrgh....1 - 2 - 3 uurrgg....1 - 2 - 3 ooohhhhh..."
all night long ..so midget number 1 thinks " ahh forget about it !" and goes to sleep .The next morning he awakes to find the blonde gone , midget number 1 goes into the hallway and bumps into midget number 2 and midget number 2 says " how did it go with the sexy little thing last night ?"
he replies " embarassing , awful i couldnt even get a hard on !" Midget number 2 says " you think that is bad .....I COULDNT EVEN GET ON THE BED !! "
Added: Tuesday 26th August 2008 12:00:01
JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, dropped his fly and asked Jill do ya wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress.They had a little fun.Silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son!!!!!!
Added: Tuesday 26th August 2008 06:00:01
HOUDINI
This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.
She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?"
He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."
Added: Monday 25th August 2008 18:00:01
CUSTOM FIT
There is a sign in the drugstore window: "Condoms, custom fit."
So a man walks up to the counter and asks for a condom, like the sign says.
The man at the counter tells him to see Edith in aisle 4. So the man finds Edith.
Edith grabs the man by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom."
Well the man is embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condom.
Later, a second man sees the sign in the window, and goes up to the counter to get his condom.
The druggist tells him to see Edith in aisle 4.
Same thing happens, Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom."
The man is pleased, at least, to be a large.
Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to get a fitted condom, and is told to see Edith is aisle 4.
Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 25th August 2008 06:00:02
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Added: Sunday 24th August 2008 06:00:01
GENIUS BOYFRIEND
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
Added: Saturday 23rd August 2008 06:00:02
OFFICE PARTY
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said.
"Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply.
"And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did.” You're back at work on Monday.
Added: Saturday 23rd August 2008 00:00:02
DOG STAR
Jerry is excited that he's been hired to play his trumpet for a movie score.
After the sessions, which go beautifully, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product.
A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porn flick that will be out in a month.
A month later, Jerry, with his jacket collar up and wearing dark glasses, goes to see the film.
He sits in the back next to an elderly couple who also seem to be wearing disguises.
The movie starts, and it is the filthiest, most perverse porn flick ever, group sex, S&M, golden showers and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action.
The dog has sex with all the women and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music.
The old woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "That's OK, we're just here to see our dog."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Friday 22nd August 2008 12:00:01
TEETH DOWN THERE
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"What?? No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
Added: Thursday 21st August 2008 00:00:02
MAGIC SHOES
A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'
Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Pakistani said, ‘just try them on, sahib.'
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have dem on de wrong feet!'
Added: Wednesday 20th August 2008 00:00:01
HOW OFTEN?
The South Carolina couple planned to get married and went to the doctor for their blood test.
The M.D. then tried to explain to them about sex. The boy just listened with a dumb expression on his face.
So the doctor took his fiancee over to the examination table, had her lie down and then made love to her.
"Now do you understand?" asked the physician.
"Yeah," said the boy. "But how often do I have to bring her in?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Sunday 17th August 2008 18:00:01
TAMPONS AND COWBOY H
What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Added: Sunday 17th August 2008 06:00:01
MY WIFE IS HAVING AN
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
Added: Sunday 17th August 2008 00:00:01
DOC STEADMAN
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how'd you....."
"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
Added: Wednesday 13th August 2008 06:00:01
WORK VIRUS
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
Added: Monday 11th August 2008 18:00:01
CHICKEN OR THE EGG
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 11th August 2008 12:00:01
GOING TO TOWN
One day a Tom was going to town and with him he had a butterfly on the way to town there was a man sitting by a shack with a sombrero on. As Tom reached the man , he was asked "Hey what you got there"? Tom replied "I got a butterfly, I'm going to town to get me some butter" The man in the sombrero repliedin a spanish accent "You no get no butter" Tom shrugged and then went on into town . Hours later here came Tom with a pound of butter.
The next week Tom went back into town this time he had a horsefly and again sat the man in the sombrero.
"What you got there"?asked the man Tom replied "I got me a horsefly,I'm going into town to get me a horse". The man just looked at him and then said"You won't get no horse". Sure enough a few hours later here comes Tom with a horse. The man in the sombrero was starring with bewildermentbut said nothing. Well a few weeks went by and Here came Tom again and the man in the sombrero asked,"What you got there"? And Tom said "Got me a pussywillow going to go into town..."
And before Tom could finish the man in the sombrero replied "hold on I'm coming with you".
Added: Saturday 9th August 2008 18:00:01
MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Added: Friday 8th August 2008 06:00:02
FUDGE
Why don't you see any women in the Keebler elf tree?
Because they are all fudge packers!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 7th August 2008 00:00:01
THE BOY WHO LEARND
there was a boy who's parents were fighting he heard them call each other bitches and bastards he said mommy what does bitches and bastards mean? she said men and women. then they made up and went into the room the boy opened the door and heard his parents say nice dick nice tits so the boy said mommy what does dick and tits mean oh it mean coats and hats so then the dad is shaving in the bathroom the boy opens the door and the dad says shit the boy says daddy what does shit mean oh shaving so then the boy goes to his mom and she is in the kitchen cutting the turkey she accidentlsy cuts herself and says fuck! the boy says mommy what does fuck mean? oh cutting the turkey so then the doorbell rings and the boy says i'll get it and he opens the door and says hi bitches and bastards hang your dicks and tits in the closet my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dads in the bathroom shaving the shit out of himself
Added: Wednesday 6th August 2008 00:00:01
SMALL WORLD
Two men are playing golf. They play each week, and have a wager as to who is going to win.
One week there are these two women at the hole ahead of them. they're hitting the ball all over the place.
They have no idea how to play. They're just there having a good old time. The two men want to finish their game.
One of them decides to ask the women if they can play through. He goes up the hill, then comes back down. He tells his friend "I can't do it. One's my wife, the other's my mistress."
The other guy says "No problem, I understand." So he goes up the hill. He comes back down and says, "Small world isn't it?"
Added: Tuesday 5th August 2008 06:00:01
TENNIS LESSON
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."
Added: Tuesday 5th August 2008 00:00:01
VISUAL PROOF
A retired gentleman went into the local social security office to apply for aid.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was sorry but he seems to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" He asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me." and processes his application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience.
She says, " You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 3rd August 2008 06:00:01
THE PROGNOSIS
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
>>
Added: Saturday 2nd August 2008 18:00:01
SPARKLE
Q:
How do you make a blondes eyes sparkle?
A:
Shine a light in her ear
Added: Saturday 2nd August 2008 00:00:01
GAY LUNCH
Two gay guys are sharing an apartment.
One gay guy is sitting on the couch jerking off in a brown paper bag.
His partner walks into the room ready to go to work and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The other guy replies, "I'm packing your lunch!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 1st August 2008 00:00:01
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN M
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Added: Thursday 31st July 2008 12:00:01
WHO WEARS THE PANTS?
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said," here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants, she said."
"That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it."
"I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
Added: Tuesday 29th July 2008 18:00:01
THREE GUYS
there were three guys by a cliff and whatever they wished for it would come true. so, the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes to be a bird and fly home. The second guy wishes to turn into a dolphin and swim home. finally the third guy tripped over a rock and fell off the cliff and he said "oh,crap"............
He turns into poop
Added: Thursday 24th July 2008 18:00:01
MOLESTED
A woman rushes into a police station and cries, “Help, help! I’ve been molested by a virgin!”
Calming the woman down, an officer asks, “How do you know it was a virgin?”
The woman gasps, “Because I had to help him.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 24th July 2008 00:00:01
FOOT FETISH
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment.
The fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
Added: Wednesday 23rd July 2008 06:00:01
STD
"Doc, I think my son has an STD,” a man tells his urologist on the phone. “Luckily, the only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothes. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too,” the man continues. “And I’ve got the same symptoms my son has.”
“Then come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replies the doctor.
“Well,” the man admits, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh, crap!” the physician roars. “That means we’ve all got it!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 22nd July 2008 06:00:01
CIRCUMVENTED
President Bush nominated John Bolton as the new ambassador to the U.N.
He did it while the Senate was in recess.
Democrats say President Bush circumvented the system to get his way.
President Bush says that's ridiculous. I've never circumvented anything, I'm not even Jewish.
Added: Monday 21st July 2008 06:00:01
TARZAN & JANE
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Added: Sunday 20th July 2008 06:00:02
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Host: (Q) What is the color of hair on your wife's pussy?
Contestant: (A) Can i call a friend?
Added: Saturday 19th July 2008 06:00:01
GO TO TOWN!
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
The sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
Added: Friday 18th July 2008 00:00:01
CALIFORNIA JURY
The trial of Saddam Hussein is beginning.
They say the evidence against Saddam Hussein is so strong that even a California jury might convict him.
Added: Thursday 17th July 2008 18:00:01
HOW LONG TO GET A HA
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Added: Wednesday 16th July 2008 12:00:01
WHERE NO MAN HAS GON
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Added: Sunday 13th July 2008 00:00:01
MUM I'M GAY
A gay man finally decides to tell his parents about his sexuality.
He goes home and finds his mother cooking dinner.
He sits down and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother gives no response, and the guy is about to repeat it when she turns away from the stove and calmly asks,
"You're gay doesn't that mean you put men's members in your mouth?"
The guy nervously says, "Uh, yeah."
His mother turns back to the stove, then whirls around, whacks him over the head with her spoon and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Thursday 10th July 2008 06:00:01
ELEVATOR
Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know....
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No kids, Yet!"
The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know....
Rich, Urban , Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her ,
"What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know....
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 3rd July 2008 18:00:01
WHEN I GET BIG, FAT, AND JUICY..
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."
Added: Wednesday 2nd July 2008 06:00:02
10 THINGS NOT TO SAY
Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents.
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 30th June 2008 18:00:02
THE WHOLE TRUTH
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it
out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his
mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just
don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly
handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I
know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened
his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a
big hug."
Added: Sunday 29th June 2008 06:00:02
FLAT CHEST
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"
Added: Sunday 29th June 2008 00:00:02
THE SAME OLD QUESTIO
The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said.
"And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
Added: Saturday 28th June 2008 12:00:04
WHAT'S GREEN AND SME
what's green and smells of bacon?
kermit the frogs fingers!!
Added: Thursday 26th June 2008 18:00:02
SUCKING YOUR THUMB
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.
He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
Added: Wednesday 25th June 2008 12:00:03
NO UNDERWEAR
A woman goes on a blind date that hadn't been all that great, she was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants.
Right there in the hall, he revealed that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design, but does it also come in men's sizes?"
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curti
Added: Saturday 21st June 2008 18:00:02
TRYING TO QUIT
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?"
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
Added: Saturday 21st June 2008 06:00:03
YOU GAVE ME CRABS!
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10 Lobster?"
Added: Friday 20th June 2008 00:00:01
DICTIONARY FOR WOMAN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 17th June 2008 12:00:02
JONNY DIG DEEPER
Jonny was being babysat and he was very boared! so the babysitter finally suggested to play a game of simmon says! ok said jonny! i'll be simmon you do as i ask!ok said te baby siter
simmon says take off your shirt so she takes off her shirt
simmon says to take off ur shoes so she took of her shoes
simmon says take off ur socks so she takes off her socks
simmon says take off your bra so she takes off her bra
simmon says take off your underwear so she takes off her underwear
simmon says have sex with me so she has sex with him
then his parents come home to him having sex with the babysitter. the dad screams"Jonny Dig Deeper" and jonny says "i'm trying daddy i'm tring!"
Added: Tuesday 17th June 2008 00:00:01
WILKINSONS RAZORS
"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."
"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
Added: Sunday 15th June 2008 12:00:03
SLOGANS FOR SAFE SEX!
21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!
Added: Sunday 15th June 2008 06:00:02
CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
Which came first?
The chicken or the egg?
Neither... The rooster came first.
Added: Monday 9th June 2008 00:00:02
OHH GOD!
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
Added: Saturday 7th June 2008 06:00:02
BIRTH CONTROL
There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.
The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.
The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.
The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.
The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.
They used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 7th June 2008 00:00:02
BETTER HEALTH COVER
The Queen is visiting one of Australia's top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
'Oh my God,' said the Queen. 'That's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?'
The doctor leading the tour explains,
'I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day they'll explode and he would die instantly.'
'Oh I am so sorry' said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
'Oh my God,' said the Queen, 'what's happening there?'
The doctor replied, 'Same problem, better health cover.'
Added: Friday 6th June 2008 12:00:03
THE KNOB
A lady in her late 40's goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The doctor tells her of a new procedure called 'The Knob'.
A small knob is implanted on the back of a woman’s head and it can be turned to tighten the skin, producing the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Naturally, the woman wants 'The Knob'.
Fifteen years later, she goes back to the surgeon. "All these years, everything’s been fine. I’ve turned 'The Knob' on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results. But now I’ve developed two problems.
First of all, I’ve got awful bags under my eyes, and 'The Knob' won’t get rid of them."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts."
"Oh," she says. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 6th June 2008 00:00:02
WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously the man is impressed.
The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Added: Wednesday 4th June 2008 18:00:03
THAT HUNGRY!!!
I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm.
I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them.
The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating.
I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry."
Added: Monday 2nd June 2008 12:00:03
CAR INSURANCE
Why do men pay more for car insurance? Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Added: Sunday 1st June 2008 18:00:03
TARZAN AND JANE
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
Added: Friday 30th May 2008 06:00:02
there was this boy who meet this girl who wanted to make love with her. they kissed and licked each others privot thigs.
Added: Tuesday 27th May 2008 12:00:02
FLAT TYRE
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.
"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.
He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
Added: Monday 26th May 2008 00:00:03
WET PUSSY
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Added: Saturday 24th May 2008 12:00:04
44TH BIRTHDAY
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!"
We went to lunch we didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.
Added: Wednesday 21st May 2008 18:00:03
SMOKING IN THE RAIN
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Where'd you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Added: Wednesday 21st May 2008 00:00:02
FLYING CONDOM
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passer-by asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. But since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passer-by hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
Added: Tuesday 20th May 2008 06:00:03
MONICA
A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and start to discuss prices.
She says "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 20th May 2008 00:00:02
CAPTAIN HOOK
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Added: Sunday 18th May 2008 12:00:06
WRONG SIZE
There once lived a man named Jack. Jack was very unfortunate in that that he eyes having always bulged out every since he hit puberty. It was a very big problem for Jack, because no girls were every attracted to him. The bulging eyes were a big turn-off.
Finally, after some consideration Jack goes to the doctor with his problem, always too embarrassed to go in the past. After closely listening to Jack's problem and after long examination, the doctor tells the Jack that there's only one way to solve Jack's problem, and that way is to cut off Jack's balls.
Jack completely rejects the solution at first, but then begins to think that what good are his balls if he can't get laid anyway. And, since his bulging eyes are keeping him from getting laid in the first place, maybe losing his balls for the sake of looking normal wasn't such a bad idea.
So, a day later Jack returns to the doctor and tells him to cut off his balls. Jack goes through with the surgery, and behold, the day after the surgery he looks into the mirror and finds that his eyes are no longer bulging out. Very happy with his new look, Jack decides to treat himself to some new clothes, go to a club, and get fucked.
Based on recommendations from friends, Jack goes to a certain tailor to get some new clothes. As soon as Jack comes in, the tailor says, "Stop! Don't say anything! I bet I can tell you all your clothes sizes without you telling me anything or without my even using a measuring tape."
"Take your shot," says Jack.
The tailor says, "Ok, your shirt size is large, your pants waste size is 36, your pants length is 32, your underwear size is 38, and your...."
"Ha!" interrupted Jack. "You are wrong, my underwear size is 34!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the tailor, very puzzled, "If your underwear size was 34, your eyes would be bulging out like crazy!"
Added: Saturday 17th May 2008 00:00:02
THE FIRST TIME
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!".
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Added: Friday 16th May 2008 12:00:02
NEW TO THE COUNTRY
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby farmer and asks to buy a chicken from him.
The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens here, "We say pullets."
Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.
The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.
A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.
She says, "Sure, what do you need?"
The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 16th May 2008 06:00:03
PENIS COMPARISON
The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.
The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout: "Viva Espania!"
The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream: "Vive la France!"
Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims: "God save the Queen!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 13th May 2008 18:00:02
SEXUAL SOFA
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?"
he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Added: Sunday 11th May 2008 12:00:02
HIPPO'S
Why do hippo's make love in the water?
Have you ever tried to keep a fanny that big moist!
Added: Sunday 11th May 2008 00:00:02
RED THING
what did the dog do when u said sit
A.HE was so old he thought u said "shit"
Added: Thursday 8th May 2008 12:00:03
PUT IT BACK
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 8th May 2008 06:00:03
MASTERCARD ADVERT
THE CREDIT CARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
Priceless
Added: Wednesday 7th May 2008 12:00:04
CHICKEN OR THE EGG?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
Added: Tuesday 6th May 2008 06:00:02
STRONGEST
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Added: Monday 5th May 2008 12:00:02
NEWS REPORT!!
A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.
The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.
It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming......
Added: Monday 5th May 2008 06:00:03
STROLLING IN WALMART
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours."
Added: Friday 2nd May 2008 12:00:03
MISSING SEX WITH EX
A young man was dumped by his girlfriend and he was so upset he moved to the country where his uncle owned a sheep farm. One weekend, the uncle left the boy alone to attend the farm himself. Early the first morning, the boy walked up, craving sex. He had not had sex in so long, since his girlfriend broke up with him. While trying figure out a way to get rid of his erection, He walked out of the house and saw the sheep in the field. Suddenly, he got a wonderful idea and started to run down to the sheep, unbuttoning his pants as he went. Then, the sheep dog cut him off, growling and barking. The dog would not let him pass and get to the sheep. The boy gave up and went about his chores. The next day, the boy woke up and tried to sneak down to the sheep. But the dog once again would not let him get rid of them. Then, the third day, the boy heard someone screaming for help. He went down to the pond and saw a beautiful women drowning in the water. He dove in and saved her life. When she caught her breath, she told him, "you saved my life. To repay you, I'll do anything for you, anything at all."
So the boy thought for a second, noticing how beautiful the women was while thinking how horney he was. So, the man told her, "OK, if you're sure that you'll do anything...follow me."
He took her hand and lead her up to the farm. He took her hand, looked into her beautiful eyes and asked, "would you mind holding this dog for me?"
Added: Sunday 27th April 2008 06:00:03
NEW EARS
With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area.
She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts.
Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!
Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. "No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down",she says.
"Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery."
"How nice ", says Liz."Thank you - what a nice thought."
"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted."
"What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I'm really touched", says Liz. "But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.
"Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ears!!!"
Added: Saturday 26th April 2008 06:00:02
THIRTY TIMES!
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.
But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Added: Friday 25th April 2008 12:00:02
MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLE
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said.
"Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered.
"But I got mine pregnant."
Added: Friday 25th April 2008 06:00:03
TWINKEYS
THIS GUY THREW HIS USED CONDEM OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE IT WAS FILLED UP WITH HIS JUICE SO THE GUY WAS ALL OUT OF CONDOMS SO HE GOES TO THE STORE AND ASKS FOR A CONDOM HES ALL OUT TO SO HE GOES TO HIS BETS FRIEND AND ASKS IF HE COULD USE ONE OF HIS HE WAS ALL OUT TOO SO WHEN HE WAS WALKING BACK TO HIS APPARTMENT HE DECIDED THAT HE AS GONNA JUST GO FIND HIS USED ONE THAT HE THREW OUT THE WINDOW SO HE GOES TO THE SPOT THAT HE THREW HIS CONDEM BUT THER WASA LITTLE GIRL THERE SO THE GIRL PICKED UP THE CONDEM BUT THE LITTLE GIRL DIDNT NO WHAT IT WAS SO THE GUY SAID TO THE LITTLE GIRL I WILL GIVE YOU $1.00 FOR THAT TWINKEY SO THE GIRL SAID OK SO THE GUY GETS HIS CONDEM BASK AND THE LITTLE GRIL GOES TO HE HOUSE AND SAYS TO HER MOM AND SAYS MOM I JIPED THIS GUY HE GAVE ME A $1.00 FOR A TWINKEY BUT I SUCKED OUT ALL THE CREAM
Added: Wednesday 23rd April 2008 18:00:02
TEN BEST PICKUP LINE
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Added: Wednesday 23rd April 2008 12:00:02
PETER BOB.
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how there lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."
Added: Wednesday 23rd April 2008 06:00:02
BODY ART
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.
Added: Tuesday 22nd April 2008 12:00:03
WIFE AND A WHEELIE B
What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Added: Monday 21st April 2008 12:00:04
WEDDING A VIRGIN
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"
Added: Monday 21st April 2008 00:00:01
SOFT AND WET
What goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
Added: Wednesday 16th April 2008 06:00:02
SPARE THE ROD
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son.
As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
The man replied with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
Added: Tuesday 15th April 2008 06:00:02
THE NEWLYWEDS
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to a bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long; I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie? Listen up jerk! Drink your goddamn beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, you aren't going anywhere! Got it, asshole?!?" And they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
Added: Friday 11th April 2008 12:00:04
DIRTY MAGAZINE
One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Added: Friday 11th April 2008 00:00:02
CHEESE SANDWICH
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: $1.50; Chicken sandwich: $2.50; Handjob: $10."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your damn hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Thursday 10th April 2008 00:00:02
MAKING LOVE TO A WOM
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Added: Wednesday 9th April 2008 12:00:04
SURGEON AT DINNER
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary, "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up, "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
Added: Tuesday 8th April 2008 06:00:03
VISION BLURS
"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."
So, the student volunteer stuck out his tongue....
Added: Monday 7th April 2008 18:00:04
SEA SICK
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."
"Good idea," she says.
"While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir," says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
Added: Saturday 5th April 2008 00:00:03
CHICKEN UNDERWEAR
Why don't chickens ever wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their heads!
Added: Friday 4th April 2008 18:00:02
FANCY DRESS PARTY
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, 'Going to a party ?'
'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.'
'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.
'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
Added: Wednesday 2nd April 2008 18:00:02
THINGS NOT TO SAY!
Things not to say in bed!
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. Can you please try breathing through your nose?
6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
7. Darling, did you lock the back door?
8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.
9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is....... today
10. Can you pass me the remote control?
11. Do you accept Visa?
12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.
13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
14. So much for mouth-to-mouth
15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'?
17. But I just brushed my teeth...
18. Smile, you're on candid camera!
19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
20. I want a baby!
21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
22. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
24. When is this supposed to feel good?
25. Did I remember to take my pill?
26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.
31. This would be more fun with a few more people.
32. You're almost as good as my ex!
33. You look younger than you feel.
34. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
35. Now I know why she dumped you...
36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun?
37. Have you ever considered liposuction?
38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
41. Does this count as a date?
42. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
42. When would you like to meet my parents?
43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"?
44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.
45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.
46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
47. Sorry but I don't do toes.
48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it!
49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.
50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis
Added: Wednesday 2nd April 2008 12:00:02
LIFE IS ALL WRONG
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
You finish off as an orgasm.
Added: Wednesday 2nd April 2008 06:00:02
GET IN HER PANTIES
A young woman was in a bar one evening, and soon became distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."
Added: Tuesday 1st April 2008 12:00:02
HOW BABIES ARE MADE
When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."
"That's right, honey" her mother said.
"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?"
"If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.
Added: Saturday 29th March 2008 06:00:02
YANKEE
What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Added: Friday 28th March 2008 00:00:03
THE FIVE STAGES OF S
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen while she's trying to wash the dishes.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*** you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Added: Wednesday 26th March 2008 18:00:02
RODEO SEX
The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:
First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.
You then also undress and mount up from behind.
Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.
Your right hand is held waiving in the air.
At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.
Added: Wednesday 26th March 2008 12:00:04
ONCE A MONTH
A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
"I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
Added: Tuesday 25th March 2008 18:00:01
GREAT INVENTIONS
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 24th March 2008 18:00:02
AFFAIR
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you John Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm John Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
John looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
John again checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
John referred to his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
John scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again John looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 24th March 2008 12:00:02
HUSBANDS NICKNAMES
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."
"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Added: Saturday 22nd March 2008 18:00:02
WOMAN'S GARDEN
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,
"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the hell? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 21st March 2008 12:00:03
COOL, CARM...
A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected.
Added: Thursday 20th March 2008 06:00:02
NO FEE
A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won Lo Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report: Honorable Sir, You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she get off train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
No see. No fee.
Thank you. Won Lo Pan
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 19th March 2008 06:00:02
3BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS
There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.
"Hi!" said the young man standing there. "My name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. we're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" "Yes, I'll go and get her" said the farmer.
About 10 minutes later there's another knock. "Hi, my name's Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" So the farmer goes and fetches her.
Another 10 minutes go by, and there's a 3rd knock. "Hi, my name's Tucker..." And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.
Added: Sunday 16th March 2008 18:00:02
NO A MEMBER
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
Added: Sunday 16th March 2008 12:00:01
ASSAULT
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."
Added: Friday 14th March 2008 12:00:02
SEX ON THE BEACH
Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation. When there's no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach. Unfortunately some of Rio's finest catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for 'lewd conduct'.
Now Hosni's not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn't do. The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it's his first offense. He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni's wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.
Hosni asks the police officer why he's getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.
The cop tells him that since it's a first offense, it's only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she's been caught twice before.
Added: Thursday 13th March 2008 18:00:02
DEFINITION OF LOVE
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.
Added: Monday 10th March 2008 18:00:02
SUPERMAN
At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.
Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"
And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"
Submitted by gtrmark
Edited by Tds181
Added: Monday 10th March 2008 12:00:03
PENIS POEM
The Joy Of Having A Dick
I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick. The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous. An organ surrounded by sensitive skin. That's smooth and rarely hairless
It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen. Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below; Soft, obedient and loyal. At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild untamed beast. It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
And during the summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach. The slightest sight of shaking boobs Makes it squirm just like a leech.
Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure. Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought. Is seven inches long enough? It makes guys quite distraught.
They peek across in urinals, To compare and try to see But if another glances back at them. There's no way they can pee.
Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe. But those are just old wives' tales; Cuz it really can relieve.
Without this fabulous organ, No shag would be complete. Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
It has to main bodily functions I'm sure you'll all agree. To start a whole new life and of course… daily to pee
But I think the thing that's marvellous; About that one eyed brute. Is that when its trying to procreate, It knows which fluid to shoot
And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail. Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.
And so to summarise I'd say with certainty, that every male loves his little friend But girls, no matter what we do, Please don't fold, spindle mutilate and NEVER NEVER Bend!!!
Added: Sunday 9th March 2008 18:00:01
I'VE LEARNED...
...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Sunday 9th March 2008 00:00:02
CAB DRIVER
Peter's first date with Meg had gone well. As they sat in Peter's front seat on a remote country road, Meg made an announcement.
"I'm actually a prostitute," Meg warned. "If you want any action, it'll cost you $30."
"Well," Peter shot back, "I have to tell you something too. I'm actually a cab driver. If you want a ride back into the city, it'll cost you $50."
Added: Tuesday 4th March 2008 00:00:02
LESBIANS
What do you call a lesbian with a strong, long tongue?
answer: talented & available
Added: Monday 3rd March 2008 18:00:02
TASTE FOR POWER
Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
A. 'My Taste For Power'
Added: Sunday 2nd March 2008 06:00:03
TAX THE PENIS
The only thing that the tax department has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40 percent of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30 percent of the time it is bard up, 20 percent of the time it is pissed off and 10 percent of the time it is on the hole.
On top of that, it bas two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective ! January 2001, your penis will be taxed according to size, as follows:
11-12".,.... Luxury Tax $30
8-10' Pole Tax $25
6-7" Privilege Tax $15
5` Nuisance Tax $3
A male exceeding 12" must file under capital gains while anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
Sincerely Pecker Checker,
Tax Department
We are stall waiting for answers to the following:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's penis is self-employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
Added: Saturday 1st March 2008 00:00:02
A SNAKE AND A CONDOM
What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket?
I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them
Added: Thursday 28th February 2008 18:00:02
TWICE A DAY
This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 27th February 2008 00:00:02
HAIR BALLS
What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? Hair balls.
Added: Tuesday 26th February 2008 00:00:02
FIRST DATE
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds."
Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.
"Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next.
"I want to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.
"Wousy!" Rose replied.
Added: Monday 25th February 2008 00:00:01
TWISTED PENIS
Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.
Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."
Ted says, "Like what?"
Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."
Ted says, "What's yours like?"
Ed says, "Straight, like normal."
Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."
Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.
Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"
Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."
Ted says, "Wow... and to think that all these years I've been wringing mine out."
Added: Sunday 24th February 2008 18:00:04
EYEBROWS
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci and yisman
Added: Saturday 23rd February 2008 18:00:03
MATH LESSON
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Added: Saturday 23rd February 2008 12:00:02
DO YOU SELL DILDOES
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"
The sa lesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Added: Saturday 23rd February 2008 06:00:02
QUICK BLOW JOB
The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Added: Tuesday 19th February 2008 12:00:03
ME !
Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a girl decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were.
So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad.
Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.
"Who," she demanded scornfully, "do you think you're going to satisfy with that?"
Grinning confidently, the biker replied, "Me!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Monday 18th February 2008 18:00:03
THE PENIS EXPERIMENT
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"
"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack, "Healed and ready for action."
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.
To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 16th February 2008 06:00:01
FACE LIFT
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.
On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 35", was the reply. "I’m actually 47", the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I’d guess you’re 29 ?"
"Nope, I am actually 47". He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it’s done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Added: Saturday 9th February 2008 12:00:02
BLUE BALLS
A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil.
"My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor.
"Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to Jill.
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
"Grape."
Added: Friday 8th February 2008 18:00:03
PICKLE SLICER
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.
"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too."
Added: Wednesday 6th February 2008 18:00:02
SEX PROBLEM
There was a man complaining to a doctor about a sexual problem.
" Doc, I just think my penis is too damn small! Im giving my wife no pleasure at all!" "Hmm" says the doctor, "What kind of beer do you drink?"
The man answers "I drink American Beer...why?"
The doctor explains " Aha! that's your problem! American Beer is bad! It shrinks things. Drink Guiness it makes things larger! Come back in two months."
" Okay, Ill start drinking Guiness. See you in two months!" The man says as he leaves.
TWO MONTHS LATER
The man bursts through the door and thanks the doctor so much for helping him.
"Hmm I see you drink Guiness now?"
Asks the Doctor.
"No way!" Says the man, " I got my wife on American Beer!"
Added: Wednesday 6th February 2008 00:00:02
IN TOO FAR
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, 'There's nothing I can do. He's in too far.'
Added: Tuesday 5th February 2008 12:00:04
OFFICE PARTY
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Added: Monday 4th February 2008 06:00:02
SCREWING HOOKERS
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy.
One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 2nd February 2008 18:00:02
DESIGNER PUSSY
Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit.
Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.
Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee.
Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a C#NT!
Added: Friday 1st February 2008 06:00:02
THREE MEN
A black man, a white man and a chinese man go to a gas station.
The cashier said if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The black man said yes and fuck the dog and died.
The cashier asked the white man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The white mand said yes, fucked the dog, and died.
The cashier asked the chinese man if you fuck my dog ill give you $100 and a loaf of bread.
The chinese man said yes, fucked the dog and came back.
The cashier asked how did you fuck my dog and live it had AIDS.
The chinese man said me chinese, me real, me put condom on my dick!
Added: Wednesday 30th January 2008 12:00:02
ULTIMATE REJECTION
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Added: Monday 28th January 2008 00:00:02
VISITING NEW YORK
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 27th January 2008 18:00:02
WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE?
Who enjoys sex more, males or females?
Females do.
Look at it this way: Think about when your ear itches and you scratch it with your finger.
When you pull your finger out, what feels better, your finger or your ear?
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 27th January 2008 00:00:01
BEE BETWEEN LEGS
A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.
Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!
So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.
But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"
The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"
Added: Friday 25th January 2008 18:00:03
NEW INVENTION
I came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a women can be at her best when she is at her worst.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 25th January 2008 06:00:02
LUCYS LEGS
one day a guy opened a bar and didnt now what to name it so when three guys went up and decided to order a drink he said i will give one of you free drinks to come up with a name for my bar, one guy said bobs big bar..the bartender said no..another guy said how about big bobs bar he said no then the third guy said how about lucys legs...the bartender said Perfect! so one day the guy that came up with that name was sitting on the side of a curb out front of the bar when a police man came by. he asked what the man was doing. the man said he was waiting for lucys legs to open up because he was thirsty.
Added: Friday 25th January 2008 00:00:02
BROTHEL PARROT
A woman goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot.
"How much for the bird?" she asks.
"Oh, you don’t want that bird," replies the storekeeper. "He used to live in a whorehouse, so he’s got a dirty mouth."
"But he’s so pretty," she gushes.
"I’ll tell you what. Take him home, try him out. If it doesn’t work, bring him back."
When it arrives at its new home, the bird looks around and squawks, "New house, new madam."
The woman is disturbed, but ignores it.
Hours later, her daughters come home from school.
Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, new hookers."
The woman is bothered, but ignores it, after all, the bird hasn’t actually cursed.
A few hours later, her husband comes home from work.
Again, after looking around, the bird squawks,
"New house, new madam, new hookers.
Hi, George."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 22nd January 2008 00:00:02
DEAD FROG
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.
She looks down at him for a few moments and replies "I'm sorry but I don't think I can help you....If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for."
The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats "I want the most diseased woman you have."
She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him "I can't, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to."
The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.
As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.
Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.
"Excuse me, but I have on question before you go...what is the dead frog for?
Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.
"I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man...And that's the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog."
Submitted by Spyked4105
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing
Added: Monday 21st January 2008 06:00:02
DAUGHTERS ARE CURIOUS~~~
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Added: Sunday 20th January 2008 18:00:02
SUPER-SENSITIVE COND
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Added: Saturday 19th January 2008 18:00:02
DOING IT DOGGY STYLE
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked one.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly, I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by calamjo
Added: Saturday 19th January 2008 12:00:02
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good
Added: Friday 18th January 2008 00:00:01
NUDE BEACH
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in thewater.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Added: Thursday 17th January 2008 18:00:03
ICING
One day a girl and her mom were in the mall and saw two people making out. The little girl asked her mom,"What are those people doing."
Making cupcakes."
Then one night the girl's mother and father go downstairs on the couch and make love. The next morning the little girls goes to her mother and says,"This morning when I went to watch TV I found icing on the couch and ate it>
Added: Thursday 17th January 2008 12:00:02
RELIGIOUS PASSION
The chuior leader was so infatuated with the her pastor that one day she chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.
Added: Wednesday 16th January 2008 18:00:02
MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Added: Sunday 13th January 2008 00:00:03
PIZZA
What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? Crust.
Added: Friday 11th January 2008 00:00:02
PRINCIPAL AFFAIR
There was a rumor going around school that a married teacher was having sex with the principal.
So one day Kelly, Rob, John, and Crystal stayed after school to see if it was true. Once everyone left they searched the school.
(1 hour later)
Disappointed there was no sign the rumors were true.
Then they heard noises coming from the principal's office. They were shocked to see Mrs. Frolly and the principle having sex on the desk.
Even more surprisingly the principal was Miss. Cottlin
Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Editted by Curtis
Added: Thursday 10th January 2008 18:00:02
PARIS HAVING SEX
Paris Hilton’s last date evidently could stand some improvement.
Halfway through making love, she had the Red cross came over and give the guy coffee and doughnuts.
Added: Tuesday 8th January 2008 18:00:02
NO HANDS
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
Added: Monday 7th January 2008 18:00:02
NOT A MEMBER
A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.
However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree.
"He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting".
"I’m glad he’s not mine either," said the second lady.
"It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That’s not even a club member!"
Added: Monday 7th January 2008 06:00:02
DEF ABUMB
THIS MAN AND WOMEN WERE SINE EACH OUTHER THE WOMAN SINED THE MAN IF YOU WONT TO HAVE SEX SQUES MY LEFT BREST ONCE IF NOT SQUES MY RIGHT BREST TWO TIMES THE MAN SINED THE WOMAN IF SHE WONT'S HAVE SEX TO SQUES HIS PINES ONCE IF YOU DON'T TO HAVE SEX SQUCES IT FIFTY TIMES
Added: Saturday 5th January 2008 12:00:02
SPICING IT UP
After 25 years of marriage, Marge decided she needed something to spice up their sex life. As she was browsing around the lingerie dept. at the local sex shop, she came upon a pair of crotchless panties and decided they were just what she needed.
Later that evening, while her husband was watching tv, she came strutting out of the bedroom with only the panties on. She asks her husband,"Would you like some of this?"
and he replies,"Hell no! Look what it did to those panties!!!!"
Added: Friday 4th January 2008 18:00:01
WIFE AND WASHING MAC
Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine?
A. You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it.
Added: Thursday 3rd January 2008 12:00:03
HAND OR WATER
What's the difference between a woman's hand and hot water?
Hot water makes meat tender, while a woman's hand makes it hard!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 2nd January 2008 12:00:03
8 CENTS MORE
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
''That will be $1.08, please,'' says the clerk.
"What's the eight cents for?'' asks the blonde.
''It says one dollar right here on the packaging.''
''Tax.'' replies the clerk.
''Gee,'' says the blonde, ''I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put!''
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 1st January 2008 12:00:02
HEAVENLY REWARD
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge."
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter, to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on my wife only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
Added: Monday 31st December 2007 18:00:01
BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies:
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife;
she loped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena is in the car taking willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And she tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve that is.
Tossed the nub
in the scrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked And they pointed 'over there'.
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found that is.
By the fence.
Evidence.
So the dick doc said, `Hey, I can fix your dong.
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need.'
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed that is.
Even seam.
Straight steam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his dick to court.
With a half-arsed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
Video that is.
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!
Added: Friday 28th December 2007 12:00:02
DENTIST CHAIR
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."
Added: Friday 28th December 2007 00:00:01
DON'T GAMBLE
Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in school.
Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes, and making bets.
One day Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. Twenty pounds."
Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."
Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard... twenty pounds... YES OR NO?"
Todd says, "OK OK! I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Rod answers, "Eleven years."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 25th December 2007 18:00:01
HEALING THE SICK
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Added: Tuesday 25th December 2007 12:00:03
BIG MOE WANTS SOME
This big ole' trucker is driving through Dallas one night and decides to stop at this bar that a buddy of his had told him about. He parks his rig and goes inside. He walks up to the bartender says in this dumb-hick voice,"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked."
The bartender looks at him and tells him it'll cost him 10 bucks.
Big Moe drops a ten-dollar-bill on the bar.
The bartender tells him to go across the street to the hotel and knock on room 14 he'll get want he wants there.
So Big Moe goes over to the hotel and knocks on door number 14. This HUGE James Earl Jones type voice barrels from inside, "What the HELL to you want?"
"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," our friend answers.
"Well," the voice replies. "Slip 20 dollars under the door."
So Big Moe slips the cash under the door.
He's waitin for awhile and nothin happens. A few minutes later he decides to knock again.
The big voice asks again, "What the Hell do you want?"
"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," he answers.
The man on the other side shouted through the door, "What Again!"
Added: Tuesday 25th December 2007 06:00:03
PAY CHECK
what is the difference between a pay check and a penis?
you don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!
Added: Saturday 22nd December 2007 06:00:03
I LOVE YOU
How to say "I love You" in 20 different languages:
English:...........I love you
Spanish:...........Te Amo
French:............Je T'aime
German:............Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese:..........Ai Shite Imasi
Italian:...........Ti Amon
Chinese:...........Wo Ai Ni
Swedish:...........Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi and Kentucky:...................Nice Tits!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 19th December 2007 00:00:02
BOWL OF CHERRIES
a guy is walking down the street and decides he is really horny, so he decides to stop at the local whore house. when he gets there he finds that he only has 50$ so he tells the to the pimp of the house and he says ok i will hook you up this time but nextime you bring your money! the pimp says go upstair and to you right ok? the horney man agrees and does so. upon entering the room he notices a very comfortable looking chair and a very large bowl of cherries.as he grabbed the bowl of cherries and sat down he noticed that some of the lights had been turned off. as the hooker walked up she noticed he was eating them and ran out. the angry bu still horny man went to complain but the pimp told him just to go back up stairs and wait. the next girl came in to the same guy in the same chair with the same bowl of cherries and just about walked out, the man stopped her and asked her what was wrong, she said"those cherries your eating are our abortions from last week!!
Added: Tuesday 18th December 2007 18:00:02
THE MONKEY
a man walks in to a bar with a monkey the monkey started to eat the cherrys once all the cherrys were gone he sat there the man asked for a beer then the monkey jumps on a pool table and ate the cue ball and the bar tender said, "dude your monkey just ate that cue ball!" the man replys o well
a week later he comes in agian and with the monkey agian the monkey picks up a cherry and sticks it up his but pulls it out and ate it the bar tender says, "your monkey just shoved the cherry up his but and ate it!!!!" the man replys after that cue ball came out he is testing everything before he eats it
Added: Monday 17th December 2007 18:00:02
ALL OF MY BUSINESS
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years,
him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin
caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50 years old
executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interst for 30
years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Submitted by Phil
Added: Sunday 16th December 2007 12:00:02
GONE FISHING
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!"
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing!"
Added: Friday 14th December 2007 18:00:02
DOCTORS AND NURSES
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after their affair began, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby there.
'But how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.
'Well,' he said 'after you've had the baby just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on the back.'
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his surgery.
'John, dear,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means.'
'Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard. It said, 'Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - two with wieners, one without.'
Added: Friday 14th December 2007 06:00:02
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 13th December 2007 12:00:03
ROYAL WEDDING
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed surrounded by all her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic! Then her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, 'Right. Now for the other one.'
This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said,
'My God, that was even tighter'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Added: Wednesday 12th December 2007 18:00:02
HICKORY DICKORY...
There was a woman who wanted bigger boobs.
She went to a doctor to find out if there was another way to get bigger boobs other than surgery.
He replied, "Yes, all that you have to do is say, 'Oogy,oogy I want bigger boobies' for 3 hours every day."
She was walking down the street saying, "Oogy, oogy I want bigger boobies."
All of a sudden a man walked up to her.
He asked, "Dr. Harris, right?"
"Yes," she replied. "How did you know?"
The man replied, "Hickory dickory dock!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 12th December 2007 12:00:02
THE BEST JOB EVER
One day, a man named Chad walked on to the set of a porn movie that was being filmed. He went up to a man named Will (one of the pornstars in the movie) and said, "I bet you $1,000 that my job is 50 times better than yours."
Will then said, "I've got the best job in the world. I get to fuck beautiful women everyday. Of course I'll take your bet."
Will then followed Chad around all day watching him do his job. At the end of the day, Chad asked Will, "Who's got the best job in the whole damn world now?"
Will then said, " You were right. Your job is 50 times better than mine is. Here is your money."
Will then gave Chad the $1,000 and went home. The end.
Added: Wednesday 12th December 2007 06:00:02
OSAMA BIN LADAN
Why did osama bin ladan shot his wife? Because he looked up her dress and he saw bush
Added: Tuesday 11th December 2007 12:00:01
ANYONE COMING?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.
The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 9th December 2007 18:00:03
SLEEPING WITH THE SE
Mr. Briggs spent the night in his secretary’s apartment. He woke up at three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.
"Honey!" he began, "Don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!"
Added: Sunday 9th December 2007 12:00:03
OLD LOVER
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 8th December 2007 18:00:01
OFFICE XMAS PARTY
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Added: Saturday 8th December 2007 12:00:02
WHAT WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Added: Friday 7th December 2007 00:00:02
I NEED A SEE SAW
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Added: Thursday 6th December 2007 12:00:02
CAN YOU TELL?
How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says, "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 4th December 2007 06:00:03
THE FIRST HAND JOB
On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers.
Turning amorously towards his bride, Jammer tenderly informs Frannie that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. Frannie, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was.
So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.
"Mom," says Frannie, "Jammer wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."
"Oh, Frannie," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," replies Frannie.
So Frannie hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to Jammer, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.
Added: Monday 3rd December 2007 18:00:02
GOLD MEDALIST
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
Added: Monday 3rd December 2007 12:00:02
SIX FOOT C#@T
Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A cunt stretcher."
Of course the cop asked, "What's a cunt stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Added: Saturday 1st December 2007 06:00:03
TWIST AND SCREW
It was the Spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. When he got to the front door, the girl's father answered and invited him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
he said.
"That's cool," said Bobby.
Carrie's father asked Bobby what they were planning to do. Bobby replied politely, "We'll probably just go to the soda shop or a movie."
Carrie's father responded, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," said Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes lit up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she was ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father, "Daddy! It's called 'The Twist'!"
Added: Thursday 29th November 2007 00:00:03
JOHN BAILEY
Two guy walked into a bar, they were both gay. So John walked in and fucked hem both in the ass.
Added: Monday 26th November 2007 12:00:02
TOO FAR IN
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Added: Monday 26th November 2007 06:00:02
SAFE HITCH HIKING
A father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.
"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"
"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down.
"As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Monday 26th November 2007 00:00:04
BY YOURSELF
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
Added: Sunday 25th November 2007 00:00:03
WHAT STARTS WITH A &
What starts with a "c" and ends with a t,is hairy oval,delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? A COCONUT
Added: Thursday 22nd November 2007 18:00:01
HI ROGER
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
"No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
Added: Tuesday 20th November 2007 00:00:03
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex.
The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?"
The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."
Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing.
His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"
Added: Monday 19th November 2007 12:00:02
RESEARCH
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the U.S. published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 19th November 2007 00:00:02
WORDS OF ADVICE
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.”
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Added: Sunday 18th November 2007 12:00:02
8 TWICE
Why is 88 better than 69?
You get 8 twice.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Saturday 17th November 2007 18:00:02
SEXUAL ADVISOR
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
Added: Saturday 17th November 2007 06:00:03
SUCKING THINGS
Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "Gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", He says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!
Added: Saturday 17th November 2007 00:00:03
HARD UP FOR CASH
There's this couple who are financially strapped. They've been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don't lose their home. The wife didn't have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, "Hey, we could sell you." He said, "I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative." She agrees to his idea.
They go downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait. He will watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay. A few minutes after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, "How much?" She says, "Can you wait a minute? I'll be right back."
So she runs across the street, and says to her husband, "He wants to know how much, what should I tell him?" The husband says, "Tell him a hundred bucks." So she runs back across the street, and tells him, "One hundred bucks." The man says, "One hundred dollars? That's too much. I don't have a hundred bucks. How much for a blow job?" She says, "Can you wait a minute? I'll be right back."
So she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, "He says a hundred bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job. What should I tell him?" The husband says, "Tell him thirty dollars."
So she runs back across the street and says to the guy, "Thirty dollars for a blow job." He says, "Great! I have thirty dollars." So she gets into the car and he undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12" penis.
She looks and says, "Can you please just wait one more minute? I'll be right back." She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her husband, "Can we loan this guy $70?"
Added: Friday 16th November 2007 18:00:02
THE TWIST
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 15th November 2007 06:00:03
NUDIST CAMP VISIT
A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time. "
Added: Wednesday 14th November 2007 06:00:02
BUS DRIVERS PARENTS
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Added: Tuesday 13th November 2007 06:00:03
SMELLING THE FORK
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Added: Thursday 8th November 2007 18:00:03
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
A son was placing his father into a nursing home.
"Please don't put me in there, son!" cried the old man.
The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it."
The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place, it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!"
"That's swell, dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?"
"Well," replied the dad. "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!"
"That's great, dad," said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!"
"What's wrong, pop?" asked the son.
"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this!"
The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there."
"No, son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Wednesday 7th November 2007 00:00:01
I CAN'T REMEMBER
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying.
A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?"
The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."
The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
Added: Tuesday 6th November 2007 12:00:02
DWARFS IN VEGAS
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Added: Tuesday 6th November 2007 00:00:02
GEORGIE
Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.
One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.
The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."
The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."
And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels."
The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!".
She says "That's My Georgie!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
Added: Monday 5th November 2007 06:00:01
$20 HOOKER
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
Added: Sunday 4th November 2007 18:00:01
DISCARDED CONDOM
A rich New Yorker married a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room. As they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom.
"Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed, as she pointed it out to her new husband.
As he craned his neck to see what it was, he looked at her and asked, "What they don't use those things where you come from?"
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
Added: Saturday 3rd November 2007 18:00:01
FARMERS HOUSE
Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.
Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.
The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.
Added: Thursday 1st November 2007 06:00:02
GREAT DATE
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
Added: Thursday 1st November 2007 00:00:01
SAFE?
A boy visited a prostitute for the first time.
Before they started, the prostitute made him wear a condom.
"What's that for?" he asked. "That's so that I don't get pregnant," she replied.
Then, he had the greatest experience of his yet young and innocent life.
Six weeks later the boy returned. He said, "I was wondering, can you still get pregnant?"
"Yes, of course," she answered, "why do you ask?"
"I'd like to know when it's safe so I can take the condom off."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 31st October 2007 18:00:02
NOT HORNY, BUT HAVE
Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.
Sally's neighbour suggested to Sally that she "spice" up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.
The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.
After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said "Honey, would you like some of this?"
He takes one look, and says "Hell no....I ain't touching that with a ten foot pole....LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!"
Added: Wednesday 31st October 2007 12:00:03
LOLLIPOP SALESMAN
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Added: Tuesday 30th October 2007 12:00:02
PIZZA
There was a girl and her boyfriend and they were in her bedroom friday night! She was on her period and couldn't f*** so her boy friend decided that he would finger her. Later that night her dad herd a lot of noise in ehr room and went up to see what was going on, He dad came in the room and started yelling and asked, "What are you guys doing?"
The girls boyfriend licked his finger and said, "EATING PIZZA"
Added: Thursday 25th October 2007 18:00:02
WHATCHA DOIN?
What does a woman's asshole do during orgasm?
He's usually on the couch in the living room watching TV.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Thursday 25th October 2007 12:00:02
OLD MAID
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
Added: Thursday 25th October 2007 06:00:03
MAKE YOUR MIND UP
John grew up on a remote dairy farm in Minnesota, and finally decided it was time to get some experience with women.
So he drove the pick-up into the nearest city and managed to find a prostitute who was more than willing to initiate him into the mysteries of sex.
Undressing, the hooker lay down and proceeded to instruct him carefully.
"Stick it in, honey.....all the way......now pull it out..... okay, back in, slowly.........more, oooh, more......now back again."
"For Christ's sake," interrupted the sweating farm boy, "could you make up your mind??"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 23rd October 2007 18:00:03
SPERM SAMPLES
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!".
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!" he yells.
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey its not that hard."
Added: Tuesday 23rd October 2007 00:00:01
PANTYHOSE
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
Added: Monday 22nd October 2007 12:00:02
STOP POKING ME
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
Added: Sunday 21st October 2007 18:00:03
DOCTOR - AFFAIR - MEATBALLS
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse
a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
have the baby there. "But how will I let you
know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write
'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the
money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's
wife called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until
I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage
and meatballs, two without.'"
Added: Sunday 21st October 2007 12:00:02
BAKING A CAKE
A little girl and mother walk into the house to catch the girl's older brother having sex on the couch with his girl. The girl looks in amazement and asks her mother what her brother was doing. The mother replied "He baking a cake honey."
And sends her upstairs while she talks to the brother about his actions. While in her room, the girl turns on the tv. She flips through the channels to discover on National Geographic two lions having sex. She call to her mother from her room yelling "Mommy come quick, i need to show you something."
The mother rushes upstairs not knowing what to expect.
"Yes dear," the mother replies. "Mommy are the lions baking a cake too?"
the little girl amazed at what she had learned. The mother with a sigh agreed,"yes dear, they are baking a cake too."
That morning the little girl came down stairs for breakfast and to ask a question.
"Mommy can i ask you a question?"
"Yes dear," the mother replied. "Okay, did you and daddy bake a cake last night?"
the girl asked with little to no hesitation. "Yes honey, Why?"
the mother replied worried that her little girl had seen something. "Okay good cause I lick the icing off the sheets."
Added: Sunday 21st October 2007 00:00:02
CRABS
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 20th October 2007 06:00:02
ROD
Why can't women have sex more than 68 m.p.h.?
Because at 69, they blow a rod!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 19th October 2007 12:00:02
DIRTY POEM CONTEST
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too.
It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
Added: Friday 19th October 2007 06:00:02
FOR RENT
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.00.
When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it "Rent For Apartment."
On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:
Dear madam,
Enclosed, you should find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. It was small.
Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear sir,
I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on. And if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, don't blame me.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 19th October 2007 00:00:02
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.
Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?".
The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?"
The mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!
Added: Thursday 18th October 2007 18:00:02
APPLES AND COOKIES A
There's a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said,"No! I don't wanna!" But his mother says,"Yes, you have to."
So Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"
The mother says,"Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don't look up or down."
Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."
So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Mommy?"
She says,"Well Timmy, that's my apple."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Then Timmy looks up and says,"What's that Mommy?"
She replies,"Well Timmy, those are my cookies."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him,"Time to take a bath Timmy."
Timmy says,"No, I don't want to."
His father says,"Well you have to."
Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"
His father says,"Well O.K., but don't look down!" Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."
Then while they're in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Daddy?"
His father says,"Well Timmy, that's my worm."
Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."
Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says,"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!"
Added: Thursday 18th October 2007 12:00:01
FIRST TIME
A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th October 2007 06:00:03
69ER'S
How do Chinese say, "69er?"
Tu-can-chu.
Added: Tuesday 16th October 2007 12:30:36
BRIGHAM YOUNG
A woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.
Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Now she's really getting mad.
Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Then furiously, she says -
Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"
Brigham Young: "I am."
Added: Tuesday 16th October 2007 00:00:04
NEVERLAND RANCH
Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining.
Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley. —David Letterman
Added: Monday 15th October 2007 06:00:02
FIRM THIS UP!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 14th October 2007 12:00:03
NEW JERSEY BODY
One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.
During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was, "Freehold."
Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was, "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked, "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said, "No, this is Eatontown."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 14th October 2007 00:00:03
MORAL OF THE STORY
O n elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.
So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.
The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.
The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you dont need a Porsche."
Added: Friday 12th October 2007 18:00:13
CUCKOO CLOCK
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my
wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
Added: Thursday 11th October 2007 18:00:05
ANOTHER CONDOM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. "What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Added: Thursday 11th October 2007 06:00:02
BOY WITH KITE
Li' johnny trying to fly his kite but always falls back to the ground. His mother see's whats happening so calls husband to go show him. Ten minutes later she looks out window and sees no success, so hollers out window to hubby! What you need on that is a piece of tail, he responds back, last time I asked for piece of tail you told me to go fly a kite.
Added: Wednesday 10th October 2007 12:00:02
"HONEY, I CAN'T PERFORM!"
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
Added: Wednesday 10th October 2007 00:00:02
CROWDED SUBWAY
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
Added: Monday 8th October 2007 12:00:02
WHO IS BETTER IN BED
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 6th October 2007 18:00:02
THREE MONTHS TO LIVE
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"
Added: Saturday 6th October 2007 06:00:02
GREAT SEX COUPON
A man was talking to his buddy.
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
So, the first guy did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Wednesday 3rd October 2007 12:00:03
ARCHEOLOGIST
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Added: Tuesday 2nd October 2007 18:00:05
OLYMPIC CONDOMS
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 2nd October 2007 12:00:02
JEFF THE BELLBOY
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
Added: Sunday 30th September 2007 12:00:03
DESPERATE
A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper.
It read: I need a man who won't beat me up... won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed.
The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadrapalegic on her doorstep.
"You have no arms." she said.
He answered, "I won't beat you."
"You have no legs." she protested.
He said, "I won't run away with other women!"
Embarassed she inquired, "How can you be great in bed?"
He answers, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 29th September 2007 06:00:02
HOME YET?
A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 27th September 2007 12:00:02
3 DOGS
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'
The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'
'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
'So what are you here for?' they asked.
'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'
The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'
'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'
Added: Thursday 27th September 2007 06:00:02
TEDDY BEARS
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
Added: Wednesday 26th September 2007 06:00:02
CAMEL TIME
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,
"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.
He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.
Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
Added: Sunday 23rd September 2007 00:00:02
HIDDEN MESSAGE
There is a pond, and above this pond there is a fly. Underneath the water there is a fish who sees the fly and says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that water, I'm gonna get me that fly"
Standing on the shore of the pond is a bear who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and that fish jumps out and gets that fly...I'm gonna get me that fish."
Standing off behind a tree is a hunter who sees the bear and thinks to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets that fish...I'm gonna shoot me that bear."
Hanging out of the hunter's back pocket is a half of a sandwich. Standing behind the hunter is a mouse who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and that hunter shoots that bear...the sandwich might fall out of his pocket and I'll get me that sandwich."
Standing off behind the mouse is a cat who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and the hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hunter's pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich...I'm gonna get me that mouse."
Well sure enough the fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hutner's pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich and the cat lunges for the mouse but misses(!) and rolls down the hill and lands in the lake.
MORAL OF THE STORY...A LOTTA SHIT HAS TO HAPPEN FOR THE PUSSY TO GET WET!!!
Added: Saturday 22nd September 2007 18:00:03
DON KING
A Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tatoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tatoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another of Mohammad Ali on this leg?"
"Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product.
The woman takes a look at the tatoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this dosen't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell dosen't look like Mohammad Ali."
The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution. He tells the woman "ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tatoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaces the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"
Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure don't."
Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?"
Taking another sip he says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..
Added: Saturday 22nd September 2007 12:00:03
THE MATURE MALE
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now, I'm 40 and just looking for a girl with big tits.
Added: Wednesday 19th September 2007 18:00:02
LIPSTICK ON YA PRICK
Two guys are sitting in the doctor's waiting room, so to pass the time they start to chat to each other.
They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr. Smith, says, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my ... you know ... penis."
"Hey, that's amazing," says Mr. Jones, "I got a green ring 'round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I ain't some kind of freak."
So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr. Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr. Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr. Jones, "Hey, no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. You'll be out in no time. See ya buddy."
Feeling better, Mr. Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. "It's serious I'm afraid Mr. Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time."
"WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean 'amputate!?'"
"I'm sorry Mr. Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Wednesday 19th September 2007 12:00:02
FRONT LAWN
These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 19th September 2007 06:00:02
HE KNOWS WOOD
This guy bet his friend that he could tell any type of wood by smell. The friend took him up on it.
First, he blindfolded him an d put a piece of oak. the guy said "Oak". This went on for a while, each time he was right.
Then his friend motioned for his wife to come over, and take off her pants. He put his wife in front of the guy. He smelled it and requested that it be turned over. After a couple of minutes the guy said, "I know, it is the shithouse door off a tuna boat!"
Added: Wednesday 19th September 2007 00:00:02
TWO EAST COAST HOOKE
The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.
Well, lo and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which eventually got round to one of the hookers asking what tribe the older two women were from.
The oldest Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."
One of the hookers said "No Shit? Well I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."
Added: Monday 17th September 2007 06:00:01
WOMEN AND ORGASMS
Q. Why do women have orgasms? A. It gives them one extra reason to moan.
Q: Why does it take so long for a woman to have an orgasm? A: Who cares?
Added: Monday 17th September 2007 00:00:02
RODEO
Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"
and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"
"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"
Added: Friday 14th September 2007 18:00:02
ONCE POOR
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.
Added: Friday 14th September 2007 00:00:02
NO SCREWING
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks.
Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.
Added: Wednesday 12th September 2007 18:00:02
AUSSIE RAPE
A woman walked into a police station and went up to the reception desk.
"I've just been raped" she complained to the desk sergeant.
The sergeant took down her personal details and then asked her, "Did you
get a look at your assailant Miss ?".
"I sure did. He was a New Zealand cricketer" she replied.
"How do you know he was a cricketer ?" asked the sergeant.
"Well he was dressed all in white. White shirt, pants and shoes" replied the woman.
"Could he possibly have been an outdoor bowler Miss, as they also wear white clothing ?" questioned the sergeant.
"No, he was definitely a cricketer. He still had his pads on" came her
reply.
"OK, so he's a cricketer. How do you know he's a New Zealand cricketer?"
asked the sergeant.
Woman replied, "Well he had to be, he wasn't in for long !!!"
Added: Wednesday 12th September 2007 00:00:02
MYSTERY ORANGE PENIS
Man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?"
Doctor scratches his head, says "I've never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes."
The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.
Doctor says, "Let's see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style."
Guy says "I'm single, live alone, just a normal type."
Doctor: "How do you spend your evenings?"
"I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?"
Added: Tuesday 11th September 2007 12:00:02
DEATH BY BOONDAH
There are three hunters in the woods. At the same time they all feel them self get shot in the ass with a dart.
When they woke up they are all bare ass with there butts in the air. There is a tribe around them bowing down and worshipping them saying
oooooooohhhhhhhhh ooooohhhhhhhh ooooooooohhhhhhh oooooohhhhhh.
The tribe goes silent and they all split. A chief walks between the crowd.
The chief goes up to the first guy and says "You have two choice death, or Boondah".
The man thinks in his head "Well i don't want to die so i guess
Boondah". So he tells the chief he wants Boondah.
So the chief turns around to the crowd and says "Boondah".
Immediately the tribe runs in and starts fucking the guy in the ass, all of them. This guy is out.
So the chief goes up to the second guy and says "You have two choice death or Boondah".
So the guy thinks for a second and says "Well at least ill live
to tell about it and you know maybe the tribe is tired so, Boondah".
So the chief turns around to the tribe and says "Boondah"
The tribe splits and a whole new tribe comes in and starts doing him in the ass and after they are done the first tribe comes and does the same. This guy is out, his ass cheeks are sagging he is just out of it.
Before the chief gets to the third guy, the man already knows that he wants to be killed.
So the chief comes up to him and says "You have two choice death or Boondah".
The man says "There is no way in hell your there pulling three tribes on me. I choose death, kill me now just get it over with".
So the chief turns around to the crowd and says "Death by Boondah".
Added: Tuesday 11th September 2007 06:00:02
FRISCO BLONDES
Q. WHY DONT BLONDS IN SANFRANCISCO WARE MINIE SKIRTS? A. THER BALLS HANG OUT.
Added: Monday 10th September 2007 00:00:01
WHERE BABIES COME FR
A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
Added: Friday 7th September 2007 12:00:02
NAME PLATES
Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.
A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.
One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.
Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.
He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. "See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 5th September 2007 18:00:02
WENDY
There's this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets 'Wendy' tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads 'Wy'.
So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis!
Jack says to the guy, 'Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named "Wendy" and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?'
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to his and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, 'No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."'
Added: Tuesday 4th September 2007 00:00:02
SEX TEST
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Monday 3rd September 2007 18:00:03
SKING
one day 3 men where camping out, in the morning the guy on the left said" i had a dream some1 touched my willy", then the guy on the right said "so did i" and the guy who was sleeping in the middle said" thats funny i had a dream i was sking"
Added: Saturday 1st September 2007 00:00:03
SMOKING AFTER SEX
Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and have coffee together, smoking and talking.
One morning, one turned to the other and said, "do you smoke after you've had sex?"
The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded, "Don't know, never looked!!!"
Added: Thursday 30th August 2007 18:00:03
THE PENIS REPORT
Earlier this year, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Added: Thursday 30th August 2007 12:00:02
NUTS
Why can't Frankenstein have children?
Because his nuts are on his neck.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 28th August 2007 18:00:04
STOP MASTURBATING!
A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"
Added: Tuesday 28th August 2007 00:00:01
CAR BROKEN DOWN
Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!
Added: Monday 27th August 2007 00:00:03
BARE BACK...
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.
'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'
Added: Saturday 25th August 2007 06:00:01
DOUCHE
Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?
There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.
The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.
The peach is sweeter for the eater.
And the chicken is finger lickin' good.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
Reniewed by Calamjo
Added: Friday 24th August 2007 12:00:02
AMERICAN EXPRESS
A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London
"How much?"
he asked
"It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart
"American Express?"
he inquired
"You can go as fast as you like" she said
Added: Friday 24th August 2007 06:00:02
CLITORIS LIKE MELLON
At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".
"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."
Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.
Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't referring to size but to taste."
Added: Tuesday 21st August 2007 00:00:02
COCKEYED
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
Added: Monday 20th August 2007 18:00:02
FLAT TIRE
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, "Hell, We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."
Added: Sunday 19th August 2007 06:00:01
ALIEN SEX
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?"
asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?"
exclaims the woman.
"Why?"
he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said.
"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Added: Saturday 18th August 2007 00:00:01
ENCOURAGEMENT
A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
Paramedics laboured furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride.
"How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher.
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I want to have sex so bad I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
Added: Friday 17th August 2007 18:00:01
CLUMSY WAITRESS
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
"... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 16th August 2007 00:00:01
NUDE BEACH
"How can you tell if there is a blind man on a nude beach?" a guy asked his friend.
"It ain't hard," he said with a shrug.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing, yisman and hottrouble1
Added: Tuesday 14th August 2007 06:00:03
SEX THE ALASKAN WAY
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?"
asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
Added: Monday 13th August 2007 00:00:01
RELOAD THAT THING
A guy got a sunburnt while at a nude beach.
Later, he found having sex to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, and inserted his dick in the glass.
His girlfriend came into the kitchen and said, "I've always wanted to know how men reload that thing."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 11th August 2007 18:00:03
JINX
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something".
She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health."
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know, you're a f*cking jinx!"
Added: Saturday 11th August 2007 06:00:02
WHAT DOES A MAN AND
THEY BOTH KEEP MEAT PACKED IN THEM.
Added: Thursday 9th August 2007 00:00:02
PEDRO
Pedro was standing in the streets of Rome, thinking, "Look at all those trees. I planted those trees. With my own hands I put every seed in the ground. But did anyone call me Pedro the Gardener? Nooo."
"And look at all the roads. They are all created by me. I worked day and night for years to complete them. But did anyone call me Pedro the road builder? Nooo."
"Not to forget, the houses. I build them too. Carefully I placed every single brick, so everyone could stay warm every year. But did anyone call me Pedro the house builder? Nooo."
"But when I fucked ONE donkey..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 8th August 2007 12:00:01
HAIR IN MY SPAGHETTI
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out.
He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!"
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
Added: Tuesday 7th August 2007 12:00:02
AS HORNY AS HELL
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.
She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"
The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.
Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".
The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".
The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",
The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
Added: Tuesday 7th August 2007 00:00:02
WHAT NEXT?
We did sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject, one I especially remember was the 'how to put on a condom'
So when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what i learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the video.
All was going well, when she said 'So, now what do we do with the banana ??'
Added: Sunday 5th August 2007 00:00:01
LITTLE JOHNNY WANTS
Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee", wailed the little boy.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake."
Added: Saturday 4th August 2007 06:00:02
LAY YOU OR JACK OFF
Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.
After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.
Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a headache."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Friday 3rd August 2007 06:00:01
BILLS OR CHANGE?
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor.
After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in.
Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks.
Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles.
So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out.
The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time.
He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question.
What am I looking for?
Bills or loose change?
Added: Thursday 2nd August 2007 18:00:02
LADY OF THE NIGHT
In Paris, there's a 70-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed in the Yellow Pages.
In fact, She's the oldest trick in the book!
Added: Thursday 2nd August 2007 06:00:02
REFRIGERATOR
What's the difference between a refrigerator and woman?
The refrigerator doesn't say "OOHHH", when you pull the meat out.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Wednesday 1st August 2007 00:00:02
IMPAIRED VISION
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 29th July 2007 12:00:02
NICE SHEEPY...
A Montanan is driving down the road and suddenly sees this Californian hitch hiking. He pulls over offers him a lift and down the road they go. After a few miles they come across this sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Montanan immediately pulls over and jumps out to check out the situation. After a minute he yanks out his dick and begins ramming the sheep from behind.
After awhile of doing this he calls out to the Californian who is still in the car, "Hey, you wanna give it a shot?"
The Californian shrugs his shoulders and says, "sure." He gets out of the car approaches the sheep and then sticks his head in the fence.
Added: Friday 27th July 2007 18:00:02
ON STRAIGHT
Mr. Smith was always embarrassed that his wife never wore underwear.
One winter she caught a bad cold.
So Mr. Smith called the doctor.
He told him, my wife has a horrible cold and she has a horrible habit of never wearing underwear.
So when the doctor came to their house the doctor looked down her throat. He said, "You should really start wearing underwear. "
Mrs. Smith asked, "If you can tell I'm not wearing underwear by looking down my throat, can you look up my asshole and tell me if my hat's on straight?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 27th July 2007 06:00:01
FIVE ADULT ONE LINERS
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
Added: Thursday 26th July 2007 18:00:02
OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."
So she finds a saw and off does his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"
Added: Wednesday 25th July 2007 00:00:02
NEED A GOOD CONDOM
A huge Indian walks into a convinient store.
"I need a good condom" The cashier replies: "Here's a pretty good one. This should be fine."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"
cashier: "Well here, try this one. It's our heavy duty condom. This can stand up to anything."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"
cashier: "That's insane! Here try this one. It's made out of pure tire rubber. This thing could stand up to King Kong."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go ugh. Left nut go CAPOW!"
Added: Tuesday 24th July 2007 12:00:02
TRIED IT ONCE
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."
Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 22nd July 2007 00:00:01
A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Added: Friday 20th July 2007 06:00:02
CHINESE SAYINGS
"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."
"Passionate kiss is like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give girlfriend upright organ."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 19th July 2007 18:00:01
PAM AND LADY DI
Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Added: Thursday 19th July 2007 12:00:02
ARMY SGT
An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches
the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm
here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the
soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him.
Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with
his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute
awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt.
Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master
of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his
penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and
asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like
I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a
master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis
immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over
the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.
The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,
DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he
follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK,
AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again).
The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for
the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've
already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His
penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the
following command, "DICK, AT EASE."
The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis
is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me
soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully
erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to
tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is
still hard.
He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed
and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks,
"What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct
order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!!"
Added: Thursday 19th July 2007 00:00:02
QUEER THRILL
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Added: Wednesday 18th July 2007 12:00:02
SILENCE
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence
Added: Tuesday 17th July 2007 18:00:02
ORAL SEX
The Young Fellow Was about to Be Married and Was Asking His Grandfather about Sex. He Asked How Often You Should Have It. His Grandfather Told Him That When You First Get Married, You Want it All the Time....And Maybe Do it Several Times a Day.
Later On, Sex Tapers off and You Have it Once a Week or So. Then as You Get Older, You Have Sex Maybe Once a Month.
When You Get Really Old, You Are Lucky to Have it Once a Year....Maybe on Your Anniversary.
The Young Fellow Then Asked His Grandfather, "Well How about You and Grandma Now?"
His Grandfather Replied, "Oh, We Just Have Oral Sex Now."
"What's Oral Sex?" the Young Fellow Asked.
"Well, " Grandpa Said, "She Goes to Bed in Her Bedroom, and I Go to Bed in My Bedroom. And She Yell, 'Fuck You', and I Holler Back, "Fuck You, Too.' "
Added: Monday 16th July 2007 18:00:03
SHAVE THAT COWBOY
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Added: Sunday 15th July 2007 18:00:01
SCREW THE BOSS!
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said.
"Piss on him."
"You did", came the reply.
"And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Added: Sunday 15th July 2007 12:00:02
GENIUS BOYFRIEND
A worried father confronted his daughter one night.
"I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
Added: Thursday 12th July 2007 00:00:01
GARAGE DOOR
Noticing that her boss's fly was open, an embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open."
The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.
The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday, when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top?"
"Oh, no," she replied. "It was a little pink Volkswagen with two flat tires up front."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Monday 9th July 2007 00:00:02
GOLF
Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel now?"
The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Submitted by YBootyfull
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 1st July 2007 12:00:02
HORNY YOUNG MAN
A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
Added: Thursday 28th June 2007 06:00:03
SCARING THE KIDS
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
Added: Wednesday 27th June 2007 12:00:09
BLOW HIS MIND
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But, he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo and Christine
Added: Wednesday 27th June 2007 06:00:05
101 THINGS NOT TO SA
1.But everybody looks funny naked! 2.You woke me up for that? 3.Did I mention the video camera? 4.Do you smell something burning? 5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.Try breathing through your nose. 7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.But whipped cream makes me break out. 11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.Do you accept Visa? 15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.Got any penicillin? 26.But I just brushed my teeth... 27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.I want a baby! 30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.I think you have it on backwards. 35.When is this supposed to feel good? 36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.Is that blood on the headboard? 39.Did I remember to take my pill? 40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42.That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.This would be more fun with a few more people. 50.You're almost as good as my ex! 51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.You look younger than you feel. 54.Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.What tampon? 61.Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.I have a confession... 65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68.Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.Did you come yet, dear? 73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.Does this count as a date? 76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 79.You can cook, too right? 80.When would you like to meet my parents? 81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.Is this a sin too? 96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Added: Wednesday 27th June 2007 00:00:02
REPAIRMAN
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her.
Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man, 'sigh', he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes...yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes... yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Added: Saturday 23rd June 2007 12:00:04
THE SAPLING
There was this sapling that didn't know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.
First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says.."Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know...am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
Mr. Birch replies, "Well, i don't know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don't you go ask Mr. Beech?"
So the sapling goes "Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, i gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?"
And Mr. Beech says, "well, I dont know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I'll call him up and he'll tell you what you are."
So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.
Well, the woodpecks takes a nibble and exclaims "My...you're neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"
Added: Friday 22nd June 2007 12:00:02
THE GREEN SUIT
A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits.
Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"
"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
Added: Thursday 21st June 2007 12:00:03
ONE HANDED DRIVER
John and his girlfriend, Carol, were driving along one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then Carol leaned over and whispered in John's ear, "Can you drive using only one hand?"
"I sure can" John grinned, thinking his luck was in.
"Good!" Carol said, "Then wipe your nose; it's running!"
Added: Thursday 21st June 2007 06:00:03
SHOW IT AGAIN, SAM
The film board of censors had just viewed a new film of dubious social and artistic value, when the chairman arose and said:
"I believe I speak for all of us when I request another showing of that revolting, disgusting scene with the midget, the airedale, the gorilla, the two naked men and the two naked girls."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 21st June 2007 00:00:02
YOUNG MAN AND DUCK
For a boy's 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, "Go into town and see what you can get with this."
The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, "I'll have sex with you if you give me the duck." He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, "If you do it again, I'll give you the duck back."
He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.
Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck.
The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.
When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he received for the duck.
His reply: "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!"
Added: Monday 18th June 2007 12:00:03
ONION BALLS
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkups.
"How's your sex life?"
the doctor asked.
"Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects."
"Like what?"
the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on."
Added: Saturday 16th June 2007 18:00:02
THE FISHING TRIP
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Added: Saturday 16th June 2007 00:00:02
HOW GOOD WAS I?
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"
She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Added: Wednesday 13th June 2007 06:00:01
VOODOO
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.
The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".
Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."
Added: Wednesday 13th June 2007 00:00:02
DEFECTIVE BLOW-UP DO
A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll.
He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."
The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"
Added: Monday 11th June 2007 00:00:02
SPERM COUNT
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Added: Saturday 9th June 2007 12:00:02
PREGNANT NUN
Q. HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT? A.DRESS HER UP AS AN ALTER BOY.
Added: Saturday 9th June 2007 00:00:03
MONICA LETTER
Fresh off of the news wire.....
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I'm getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that's when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
I have licked bigger things than this before and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
Thank you
Monica Lewinsky
Added: Friday 8th June 2007 12:00:05
REVENGE
once there was a man and a woman who decided that it was time for them to take their relationship a step higher. It was the womans first time and she asked the man how exactly they did it. He replied that there were several ways to do it, but one of his favorites was the woman striping slowly and then the he would kiss every inch of her body including breasts, butt, inbetween the toes, fingers, eyes, and ears. Then the man would strip and she would do the same to him. The woman agreed and started to slowely take off her shirt.
"no no no, the man said, you have to do it while dancing a sexy dance around me."
The woman did. When she started to unbutton her pants, the man saw that she had unusually large breasts and as she leaned over they kind of popped out of her bra. She got her pants off and turned around in a circle. The man noticed that she was wearing a thong. He liked the way that she looked and also looked forward to kissing her breasts and where the thong was going. Before the woman unclipped her bra, she asked the man if he would be so kind as to keep the secret of what they were doing to himself and not tell anyone. The man agreed so that she would get it off and he could get started.
The next day at work, he told everyone he could find that one of the people that he worked with had had sex with him. (the lady he was talking about was of coarse the woman) When the lady found out, she decided to get back at him. She walked up to him and asked if he would come into the bosses office to get intamet with him. He was up to the challenge and she told him it was his turn to go first. He did and before she started kissing him, she told him to turn around. He did and she picked up his clothes and ran out.
Added: Thursday 7th June 2007 18:00:02
VALENTINE LINES
Valentine Card Rejects
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 3rd June 2007 00:00:20
ALWAYS BEEN A DOUBT
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
"So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says the man.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Added: Thursday 31st May 2007 12:00:02
TOMORROW'S FINAL
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Added: Tuesday 29th May 2007 12:00:05
IRON SUPPLEMENTS
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food. Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is OK!
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened".
She says "I know, you're passing BB's".
"No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Added: Monday 28th May 2007 18:00:01
PIERCED
Why do women have their clitoris' pierced?
So men can find it.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 27th May 2007 18:00:01
SHIT HOUSE DOOR
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."
"Correct,†says the manager, “now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused,†says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
Added: Friday 25th May 2007 18:00:01
THREE NURSES TRICKS
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted.
Added: Friday 25th May 2007 00:00:04
BLOW-UP DOLLS
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"
Added: Wednesday 23rd May 2007 00:00:03
WIFE'S BIRTHDAY
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?"
smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer.
"She's expecting a cruise."
Added: Monday 21st May 2007 12:00:02
TRAVELING SALESMEN
Two traveling salesman driving across kansas, the car breaks down so they walk to the farmers house and ask him if they can stay the night. the farmer replies "well" I have only one extra room next to my daughter's and I have a couch, but the dog sleeps on the couch so you will both have to share the same bed. they look at each other and say "what the hell" neither of us is gay so It will be ok for one night.one guy wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his coworker, Man I've got to sneak over to the daughter's room and get some of that, she is a real fox and I've got the biggist woody I've ever had, as a matter of fact It's about 3 inches bigger than It's ever been, the coworker replies "well" your going to have to take me with you. why is that he asks? Because thats "my Dick" your holding.
over to the daughter
Added: Saturday 19th May 2007 18:00:04
THE REALISTIC DRAWIN
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.
The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.
"You see what your son did to our class grade book?"
she said.
"That's nothing" replied the father.
"Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
Added: Thursday 17th May 2007 18:00:03
STARTING YOUNG
A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.
The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" the preacher asks.
The kid replies, "That's nothing, I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 17th May 2007 00:00:02
ROBBED
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!"
His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what."
The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here -
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 16th May 2007 00:00:02
GERIATRIC SEX
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ...... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?"
the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom.... And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.' "
Added: Tuesday 15th May 2007 06:00:02
HIND LICK MANOUVER
A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner whisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.
One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manouver really works!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing
Added: Monday 14th May 2007 12:00:02
INFLATABLE PANTS
A very dumb blonde was having trouble keeping her jaw shut..So she decided to stick a popsicle in her mouth so no one would notice...When men started to watch her the blonde took out the popsicle and said "Cool, infaltable pants!"
Added: Sunday 13th May 2007 06:00:02
TRYING FOR A SON
There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.
Added: Sunday 13th May 2007 00:00:02
ABC'S
ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Added: Saturday 12th May 2007 12:00:02
THE POWER OF BRANDIN
You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's advertising.
You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now........that's The Power of Branding!
Added: Wednesday 9th May 2007 00:00:01
SLOT MACHINE
The old maid walked into the butcher shop and ordered a salami.
The butcher put it on the machine and began slicing.
The old maid yelled, "Hey, what do you think I am, a slot machine?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 8th May 2007 12:00:06
STUPID
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
Added: Monday 7th May 2007 12:00:07
FLIP A COIN
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, she asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Monday 7th May 2007 00:00:02
TUNA
What has four legs and smells like tuna?
Bill Clinton's Desk
Added: Sunday 6th May 2007 18:00:02
AIDS OR ALZHEIMER’
A doctor called up a fellow and said, "Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently."
The guy says, "Yes, that's right. Is there anything wrong?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "here's the thing. There's another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.
Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s."
"Oh, my God," the man said, "what will I do, doc?"
"Well, I've been giving this some thought," said the doctor, "and here's what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.
"Then what?" says the distraught man.
"Well...if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON'T FUCK HER!"
Added: Friday 4th May 2007 06:00:01
HOW MANY CALORIES DO WE BURN DURING SEX
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
EXAMPLES:
1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:
1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:
2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:
1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM
Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER
If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT
Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION
Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS
Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS
Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX
"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15
TRYING AGAIN
If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP
After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212
SLEEP
Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER
In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED
With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL
Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.
A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160
Added: Wednesday 2nd May 2007 06:00:03
GERIATRIC VIAGRA
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."
Added: Tuesday 1st May 2007 12:00:10
DIFFICUILT TO SAY
Difficult words to say when you are sober......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I don't want sex
* No, I don't want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thank you
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening Officer
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 30th April 2007 06:00:02
YOU'VE HAD IT
An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.
"You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this where you always got forty five girls ready 'n' able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"92" he replied.
"92? Pop, you've had it."
"Oh." said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Sunday 29th April 2007 18:00:02
GIFT WRAPPING
While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny.
"They ARE the gift wrapping."
Added: Saturday 28th April 2007 06:00:01
FIRST VISIT
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.
Added: Friday 27th April 2007 18:00:02
MY DICK IS SOOOO BIG
There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example...
My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I c um.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fu cking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than himself.
My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.
My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a h ard-on and killing myself.
My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
My dick is so big, it has feet.
My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to j ack me off.
My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
My dick is so big, it has investors.
My dick is so big, it seats six.
My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a co ck ring.
My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
My dick is so big I can fu ck an elevator shaft.
My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.
My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.
My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
My dick is so big, it has elbows.
My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.
My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
My dick is so big, it's against the law to fu ck me without protective headgear.
My dick is so big, I could fu ck a tuba.
My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
My dick is so big, it has its own gravity
NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
My dick is so big, it has a spine.
My dick is so big, it has a basement.
My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
My dick is more muscular than I am.
My dick is so big it has cable.
My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.
My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a bl ow job in Tennessee.
My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
My dick is so big, I can braid it.
My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
My dick is so big, you're standing on it.
My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.
My dick is so big, it's right behind you.
Added: Friday 27th April 2007 06:00:02
THE CAT AND THE SAUS
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.
The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
Added: Thursday 26th April 2007 06:00:02
ELEPHANT
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 24th April 2007 18:00:09
WHAT'S THE DIFFE
What's the difference between a nymphomaniac, a hooker and a wife ?
The nympho says "You're done already?"
The hooker says "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Added: Monday 23rd April 2007 18:00:06
DON'T LIE TO MOM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.
Added: Sunday 22nd April 2007 12:00:03
MAGIC
One day Belinda was walking down the road when she saw a yellow frog crying.
She asked him, "What is wrong?"
He said, "I just want to be green like the other frogs."
So she did some magic and he turned green, but when he looked down his dick was still yellow.
She said that she couldn't do any more magic and he'd have to go see the Wizard.
As she kept going, she saw a pink elephant that was crying.
She asked him, "What is wrong?"
"He said, "I want to be gray."
So she did some magic and turned him gray.
When he looked down his dick was still pink so she told him to go see the Wizard.
He asked, "How do you get there?"
She said, "Follow the yellow dick toad. Follow the yellow dick toad."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 22nd April 2007 06:00:02
ONCE A COWBOY
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'
He then asked her what she was. She replied,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied,
'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Added: Saturday 21st April 2007 06:00:08
BIG STUFF
there was a girl who had the most sexy dick and tits there was a guy who had the most sexy dick and they got married naked showing there big stuff and there babys had big stuff 2
Added: Saturday 21st April 2007 00:00:07
PARROT
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 20th April 2007 00:00:01
KEEP PUMPING
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
Added: Wednesday 18th April 2007 00:00:07
SPECIMEN CUP
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Added: Monday 16th April 2007 00:00:03
SEXUAL EXHAUSTION
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Added: Sunday 15th April 2007 18:00:04
4 ROSES
What's better then 4 roses on a piano?
tulips on an organ!
Added: Friday 13th April 2007 00:00:02
BOB PETERS
A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"
The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."
Added: Tuesday 10th April 2007 12:00:02
FILL THE APARTMENT
A proper English gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.
Before he left, he told the girl that he didn't have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment `Rent for Apartment'.
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1.It bad never been occupied;
2.There was plenty of heat; and
3.It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it bad been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following letter.
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Added: Saturday 7th April 2007 18:00:01
SO CLOSE TO THE BEAU
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.
lBut anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
Added: Tuesday 3rd April 2007 12:20:13
RUSSA VS THE USA
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Added: Monday 2nd April 2007 18:00:03
WEDDING NIGHT
Three guys who have just got married are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive about how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening.
One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.
`All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night,' he says, and the others readily agree.
At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for four slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs-up.
The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear, orders six slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a `good-on-yer' look.
The next guy orders a full English breakfast, and then asks for eight slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter, `Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please, mate.'
Added: Saturday 31st March 2007 18:00:02
YOU MUST BE SINGLE
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're f$%king ugly!
Added: Friday 30th March 2007 00:00:15
ALL I WANT FOR CHRIS
I'll give you a nice long wet kiss To start off our yule tide bliss Then once I've romanced ya It's time I depantsed ya By whipping your zipper like this!
Added: Thursday 29th March 2007 12:00:09
GOING FISHING
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
Added: Thursday 29th March 2007 00:00:02
GETTIN A SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
Added: Monday 26th March 2007 12:00:02
FURNITURE
There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.
She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"
"No, why?" askes the other ovary.
"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Sunday 25th March 2007 18:00:04
BEDROOM GOLF
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Added: Sunday 25th March 2007 00:00:01
OLD LADY WANTS IT
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis, which he really decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, "There really is no justice in the world!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"
The first old lady said, "Look at that."
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat.
Added: Thursday 22nd March 2007 18:00:02
ESKIMO
AN ESKIMO IS DRIVING HIS CAR WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE BREAKS DOWN SO HE CALLS THE AA.WHEN THE MAN ARRIVES HE LIFTS UP THE HOOD OF THE CAR AND SAYS "YOU'VE BLOWN A SEAL" THE ESKIMO THEN SAYS "SO WHAT,YOU SHAG SHEEP!"
Added: Thursday 22nd March 2007 12:00:02
FISHING IS BETTER TH
* When you go fishin' and you catch something,' that's good. If you're making love and you catch something,' that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away. In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.
Added: Wednesday 21st March 2007 06:00:02
BARREL OF FUN!
There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob.
"So the next day,the guy sees the owner, and says, "this place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday."
The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays."
"Why not on Mondays?"
The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel."
Added: Friday 16th March 2007 18:00:01
ADAM AND EVE
Why did god create Adam before he created eve? Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Added: Friday 16th March 2007 12:00:04
NEWLY WED COUPLE
this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:
wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.
husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.
wife: i'm flat chested.
husband: i don't believe u..prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.
wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.
husband: im "weighed like a baby".
wife: i don't believe you, prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!
husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
Added: Thursday 15th March 2007 00:00:02
DESPERATE MEN
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Monday 12th March 2007 12:00:03
IN THE MORNING
One morning a married couple woke up and decided to have sex. They looked over and saw there 12 month old son hopping up and down in the crib.
Added: Monday 12th March 2007 00:00:03
THE 3 GREATEST LIES
What are the three greatest lies?
1. The check is in the mail.
2. Small is beautiful.
3. I won't come in your mouth.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 10th March 2007 18:00:02
A DOG NAMED SEX
A Dog Named Sex Everyone that has a dog names him "Rover: or "Champ" or something like that. Well, I named my dog sex. Now... Sex has been very imbarrassing for me. When I went to city hall to get him a licence... I told the clerk that I would like a licence for sex. He said "I would like one too!" Then I said "But this a dog."
He said " I don't care what she looks like."
I said "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old."
He said, I must of been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog along with us. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, myself and specail one for sex. He said "That every room was for sex."
I said "You don't understand sex keeps me up at night."
He said "Me too!"
One day I enter Sex in a contest. But, before the compitition began, the dog ran off. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing and looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should of sold tikets.
"But you don't understand" I said " I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off!
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I have had Sex before we were married."
The judge said "Me too."
Then I told him after I was married Sex left me."
He said "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing in this alley at 4 a.m. in the morning?"
I said " I was looking for Sex."
The casse comes up on Frieday!!!
Added: Saturday 10th March 2007 12:00:15
MISS GREEDY
This lesson was learned by Miss Greedy Who wore her shoplifted bikini. She heard a loud pop, And off came her top And had nothing on in betweenie!
Added: Thursday 8th March 2007 00:00:01
101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Added: Wednesday 7th March 2007 06:00:01
BED WETTING PROBLEM
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.
The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.
The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
Added: Tuesday 6th March 2007 18:00:01
DIRTY ONE LINERS
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.
Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).
Q. What is the new O.J. website address?
A. slash slash backslash escape.
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Added: Monday 5th March 2007 18:00:02
LOOK IN THE WARDROBE
Murphy gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from upstairs. He rushes up and finds his wife naked on the bed, panting and sweating.
"What's up?"
"I'm having a heart attack." she gasps.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but his 4-year-old son tugs his arm and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick is hiding in your wardrobe."
So Murphy slams down the phone, rushes back upstairs and opens the wardrobe door. Sure enough his brother Mick is hiding inside stark bolluck naked.
"You bastard!" shouts Murphy "There's my wife having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Sunday 4th March 2007 00:00:02
DEAD PUSSY
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
Added: Friday 2nd March 2007 00:00:01
I LOVE YOU TERRIBLY.
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and afterward held her close.
"I love you terribly," I whispered.
"You certainly do," was her reply.
Added: Thursday 1st March 2007 18:00:06
ONE QUART TODAY
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
Added: Thursday 1st March 2007 06:00:02
STARTING AT 8:05
A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"
He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."
So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"
"That's when I get here at 8:05."
Added: Wednesday 28th February 2007 18:00:02
HAIRY
there was a boy who slept on top of his covers naked one night a little girl came in and crowled in bed with this boy she asked what's that the boy said hairy may I play with hairy she said yes and the next day he woke up in the hospital the little boy asked why am i here hairy spit on so I bit him off
Added: Wednesday 28th February 2007 12:00:02
BLOWS
How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Tuesday 27th February 2007 06:00:02
ANNUAL SEX
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
Added: Monday 26th February 2007 00:00:02
BLIND
A father walks into the bathroom and catches his son masturbating.
“Dammit, son!” he yells. “How many times have I told you not to do that? If you don’t stop, you’re going to go blind!”
The son replies, “I’m over here, Dad.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 24th February 2007 18:00:01
TATTOOED ON DICK
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.
"Sure", says the artist. "Where you want it?"
"Wrap it around my prick", says the customer.
"Why do you want it on your prick?" asked the tattoo artist.
"Three reasons", replied the man thoughtfully, "
One, I like to play with my money.
Two, I like watching my money grow.
Three, my wife loves to blow money."
Added: Saturday 24th February 2007 06:00:02
DID I SAY...
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"
"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time."
The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 21st February 2007 12:00:03
BRAND NEW HAT
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Added: Wednesday 21st February 2007 00:00:01
LONG SLONG
A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal.
"Sure wish I had one like your's."
The black man replied "You can--just tie a string around it and hang weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg, and you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.
Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.
The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great--I'm half way there!" "Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's black!"
Added: Tuesday 20th February 2007 00:00:02
AMERICAN BEER
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"
Added: Sunday 18th February 2007 12:00:03
EXPECTING A BABY
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that
they
were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went
hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear
charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on
the
spot."
"Impossible!," the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that
bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
Added: Saturday 17th February 2007 12:00:01
12 INCHES
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't.
Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".
To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-#ck Y-y-you!
Added: Wednesday 14th February 2007 06:00:02
USES OF VASELINE
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis, yisman and Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 13th February 2007 18:00:02
SHORT FUSE
A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,
'What a great chest you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He takes off his pants and the woman says,
'What massive calves you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.'
Added: Tuesday 13th February 2007 00:00:02
PIXIE
When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Added: Saturday 10th February 2007 18:00:02
TACKS
A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms.
The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5 with the tax."
"Tacks!?" the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 5th February 2007 18:00:02
SEX
you mamma's like a gas pump you got to pay before you pump
Added: Sunday 4th February 2007 06:00:01
WHAT DOES A WOMAN AN
THEY BOTH WIGGLE WHEN U EAT EM.
Added: Saturday 3rd February 2007 06:00:02
MASTURBATION CONTEST
Who's the world's greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Added: Friday 2nd February 2007 06:00:01
MAKING BETS
Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ..."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...one thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!"
Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?"
Sam says, "Eleven years!"
Added: Friday 2nd February 2007 00:00:01
COLLEGE PRIDE
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Added: Thursday 1st February 2007 06:00:02
WALLET OR I'LL JUMP
A midget walks into a bathroom and sees a guy taking a piss, he comes up to him and says, "You have nice balls", the guy liking compiments says, "Um..... thanks I guess", then the midget says, "Can I have a closer look at them, you know mine are so small!"
The guy answers, "um..... sure go ahead", so the midget gets a 4 foot ladder, climbs up onto it and grabs the guys balls, then all of a sudden he yanks on them keeping a tight grip he says, "Give me your wallet or i'll jump!"
Added: Wednesday 31st January 2007 19:32:50
WHAT SOME OF THIS?
A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky voice say's "Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."
Added: Wednesday 31st January 2007 01:05:49
GETTING WOMEN HOT
There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.
The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!"
When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!"
The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fuck the shit out of her. When I'm done, I wipe my dick on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"
Added: Sunday 28th January 2007 19:05:46
WONDER BRA
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Added: Sunday 28th January 2007 13:05:45
MOTH EXTERMINATOR
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 28th January 2007 07:05:44
MOTHER OF SIX
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Added: Saturday 27th January 2007 19:05:43
SEX ED
A sorority girl is having sex with her boyfriend one night when she asks, “Just this once, can we put it in the other hole? I think I’d really like that.”
“Are you crazy?” her boyfriend cries. “You might get pregnant that way!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 25th January 2007 13:05:44
SAN FRANCISCO
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'. You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."
"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"
Added: Thursday 25th January 2007 01:05:42
HIGHWAY ROBBERY
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread."
Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what."
The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"
Added: Wednesday 24th January 2007 13:05:42
THREE SONS
A wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all b%#tards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
Added: Tuesday 23rd January 2007 13:05:39
MEN'S "F" RULES
Find her,
Follow her,
Friend her,
Flirt her,
French her,
Finger her,
Force her,
Fuck her,
Forget her,
FIND Next.!
Added: Friday 19th January 2007 18:00:02
LIGHT AND HARD
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 19th January 2007 00:00:02
SECOND OPINION
A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed.
The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."
"You're going to stick that finger up my ass?" the patient asked.
"Yes." The doctor said.
"While you're at it, I want you to stick two fingers up my ass."
"Why?" asked the doctor
The patient replied, "I want a second opinion."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th January 2007 12:00:03
GROWING PENIS
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Added: Thursday 18th January 2007 06:00:02
CAUGHT ENTERTAINING
Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
Added: Tuesday 16th January 2007 18:05:25
QUICKIE
A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 16th January 2007 06:00:03
REJECTION LINES
Top 10 rejection lines given by men (and what they really mean)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're the ugliest person that has ever existed on this planet.)
Added: Thursday 11th January 2007 12:00:02
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming."
Added: Tuesday 9th January 2007 18:00:02
CURLY PUBIC HAIR
Why is pubic hair curly?
So you don't poke your eyes out!
Added: Tuesday 9th January 2007 13:23:17
READING IN BED
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
Added: Monday 8th January 2007 06:00:02
QUICK LESBIAN JOKE
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 state workers in the same room?
A: A hundred people who dont do dick.
Added: Monday 8th January 2007 00:00:02
TWO GIRLS IN MOVIE
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".
Added: Sunday 7th January 2007 12:00:04
AFTERNOON QUICKIE
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Added: Saturday 6th January 2007 18:00:03
AGONY UNCLE
If agony aunts were uncles:
Reader: My husband-to-be ,still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
Jim: A man's capacity to love is boundless, it has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice. expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of has behavior.
Reader: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Jim: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Reader: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
Jim: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get mum involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Reader: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
Jim: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but with only 10 calories a spoonful it is nutritious and helps you to keep tour figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Reader: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Jim: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget, you may wish to video yourself while doing this and to sell it at a car boot sale. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present and cook a delicious meal.
Added: Saturday 6th January 2007 12:00:03
FACE
Why are women like snow flakes?
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face...
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 5th January 2007 00:00:02
SLEEPOVER RULES
A man is driving, when suddenly his car breaks down. So he walks and walks until he comes to a farm house.
He knocks on the door, and a women answered. He asked the women if he can spend the night because his car broke down.
The women says, "You may stay here, but I have 3 rules you must follow."
He says he will follow them.
The women says that he would have to stay in the laundry room.
So he lays down, but there was a pair of pants hanging in his way, so he pulls them down.
A few moments later the women comes into the room and says, " You have broken my 1st rule!"
So he now is led to a barn where he may sleep. As soon as he lays down... a donkey waves its tail in his face, so the man slaps it.
Then the women enters the barn and says, "You have broken my 2nd rule!".
Then he was led to an area near a fence. When he laid down there was a cat pacing on the fence so the man shaves it.
About 5 minutes later the women comes out to the fence and says," You have broken my 3rd rule! I have called the cops, and they are on there way over."
So the man asked what he did wrong.
She didn't have time to answer before the cops arrive.
A cop comes over and asks, "Whats the problem miss?"
She replies,"This man pulled down my pants, spanked my ass, and shaved my pussy!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 3rd January 2007 18:00:02
JUST GREAT!
A nurse walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
She reaches into her handbag and pulls a out a rectal thermometer..
"Great, just great...," she says to the teller.
"That means some asshole's got my pen."
Submitted by Chunks
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 2nd January 2007 18:00:02
LIPS
Why do women have two pairs of lips?
One to fight with, and one to make up with.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 2nd January 2007 12:00:03
FIGHTER PILOT
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Added: Sunday 31st December 2006 18:00:03
STOP THE BUS!!
A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."
The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."
Added: Saturday 30th December 2006 12:00:02
ELEPHANT AND THE MAN
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?"
Added: Friday 29th December 2006 18:00:02
CHEATING HUSBAND
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Added: Friday 29th December 2006 00:00:04
BLOW A HUNDRED
Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo.
Tattoo artist: " What kind of tattoo do you want ?"
Man: "I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis."
Tattoo artist: "Why?"
Man: "3 reasons: 1. I like to play with my money 2. I like to see my money grow 3. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home."
Added: Wednesday 27th December 2006 06:00:04
GAS STATION
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 26th December 2006 18:00:03
DOCTOR'S VISIT
A lady walks into her doctor's office, screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by blueindiansquaw
Added: Tuesday 26th December 2006 06:00:02
KUALA BEAR
a kuala bear walks up to a prostitute and asks ifhe can have sex with her. she takes him up to her room. when they are finished she says, "that will be 50 dollars". kuala bear looks very confused. The prostitute becomes very aggitated repeats "that will be 50 dollars" kuala bear continues to look confused. Prostitute takes out a dictionary, looks up the word "Prostitute" definition has sex for money. kuala bear takes the dictionary from her and looks up the word "kuala bear" definition, eats bushes and leaves.
Added: Saturday 23rd December 2006 18:00:02
HEADACHE
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since he was young.
Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirin.
Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirin, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 23rd December 2006 00:00:04
UNCLE FRANK
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"
Added: Friday 22nd December 2006 18:00:02
LEISBIAN
what is the differance between a wheat thin and a liesbian?
one is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker
Added: Friday 22nd December 2006 12:00:02
WHEN WILL HE MOVE?
A two month pregnant woman asks her doctor, "When will my baby move?"
The doctor answers, "With any luck, right after he finishes college."
Added: Thursday 21st December 2006 06:00:02
SURVEY
Single men always say, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"
Well, a nation wide survey for the women.
80% of todays women are against marriage.
Why?
Because they say, "Why buy the entire PIG just to get a little sausage?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 19th December 2006 12:00:03
APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver`s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asked.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly, silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Added: Tuesday 19th December 2006 06:00:02
WRINKLES
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 19th December 2006 00:00:05
MULTIPLE ORGASMS
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite them.
Then God asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"
Well, the males went crazy, screaming and shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine," replied God. "Then THEY get the multiple orgasms."
Added: Monday 18th December 2006 12:00:02
CHECK YOUR DIRTY IQ!
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Added: Monday 18th December 2006 00:00:05
CURIOUS
What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate this weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
"I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go 'round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went 'round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
Added: Sunday 17th December 2006 18:00:03
FIVE TIMES IN ONE NI
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"
The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.
"What? Five times?"
asks the eager girl.
"No", he replied.
"Pick a finger".
Added: Sunday 17th December 2006 06:00:02
SEX LECTURE
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Added: Saturday 16th December 2006 06:00:03
CAN'T REMEMBER
A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends.
She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.
So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Added: Friday 15th December 2006 18:00:02
LOVE, TRUE LOVE...
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Added: Friday 15th December 2006 00:00:04
BAD DAY
All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to "Never, ever pick up Hitch-hikers."
Old Freddie Crotch was high-ballin' down the highway and saw an unbelievably stunning blonde hitch-hiking.
Thinking with the wrong head, he pulls over and picks her up.
Traveling down the highway a ways, she leans forward, is looking out the mirror and says "You have a flat back there on the trailer."
Freddie pulls over, and goes back to have a look.
The blonde slides over and drives away.
Freddie is now pissed off and a motorcycle gang pulls up, beats the crap out of him and leaves Freddie tied, wrists to ankles, naked and broke.
Another Red Ball Express driver sees Freddie, pulls over and says, "Holy shit, It's you Fred. What happened?"
Freddie relates his woes.
The second drivers walks around back of Freddie, undoes his zipper and says, "This just isn't your day. Is it, Fred?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Thursday 14th December 2006 12:00:02
BRAVE SOLDIER
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Added: Thursday 14th December 2006 06:00:02
CALL 911!
The tired doctor was awakened by a telephone call in the middle of the night.
"Please come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don’t have to come after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 13th December 2006 12:00:02
BLUE BERRYHILLS
One day a boy walks into his class late.The teacher says why are you late.The kid replies I was on top of blueberryhills the teacher says ok sitdown.the second day another boy walks in late he says the same thing I was on top of blueberryhills sooo every boy is late and they all give the same answer(I was on top of blueberryhills)On day a girl walks in late and the teacher asks where were you the teacher says let me guess you were on top of blueberryhills.The girl says No I am blueberryhills.
Added: Sunday 10th December 2006 12:00:02
WASH CLOTH
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Saturday 9th December 2006 06:00:02
CHERRY HILL
One day a substitute teacher was taking over for a class. All the students were present except for three.
As the sub began a little boy walked in late. the sub said "what's your name and why are you late".
The boy responded "my name is bobby thatcher and i was late cuz i was on top of cherry hill".
Not wanting to go on further with the interruption the sub told him to take his seat.
The sub then tried to go on with the lesson but again was stopped by another late little boy. "what is your name and why are you late".
The boy replied "my name is billy duncan and i was on top of cherry hill".
At this point the sub had had enough and told the boy to sit down.
Finally he started again but a little girl walked in. "let me guess you were on top of cherry hill too".
"No" said the little girl "i am cherry hill".
Added: Thursday 7th December 2006 12:00:02
FLAT TUMMY
There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."
"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.
"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.
"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
Added: Tuesday 5th December 2006 18:00:02
WHAT AM I?
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other.
For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole.
When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position.
Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
Added: Monday 4th December 2006 12:00:02
WEDDING NIGHT
A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Geez, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt..." then she threw me out.
Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey" says the second guy "Did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."
Added: Wednesday 29th November 2006 06:00:03
NEVERLAND SEARCH
Police raided the Neverland ranch of Michael Jackson again.
He was reported to be so upset, he dangled himself over a balcony.
Added: Wednesday 29th November 2006 00:00:04
12- PACK
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Added: Monday 27th November 2006 18:00:02
WHERE'S THE WIFE?
Three couples went out camping.
The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 27th November 2006 06:00:02
IN THE JUNGLE
This British explorer is in the dark jungle going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook and trouble shooter in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in 'playful activities' with 10 beautiful, dark, young women all nude.
The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He asked his guide who this man was?
'He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, sir,' came the reply. 'This is his morning ritual.'
'Ask him,' the awed Brit said to his companion, 'how did his penis get to be this size?' The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
'Well, what did he say?' asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
'He said, "There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?"'
Added: Saturday 25th November 2006 12:00:02
SISTER IN LAW
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Added: Friday 24th November 2006 06:00:02
IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE
IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
Added: Wednesday 22nd November 2006 12:00:02
AN OLD WOMANS WISHES
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
Added: Tuesday 21st November 2006 18:00:02
REVENGE
One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."
The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.
One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."
Added: Monday 20th November 2006 06:00:03
THREE DUCKS IN COURT
Three ducks got arrested and appeared before a judge. The judge asked the first duck "whats your name?" Quack replied the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.
The second duck comes before the judge and is asked "whats your name?" Quack Quack replies the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?" Blowing bubbles in the pond.
The third duck appears before the judge and the judge says "I know I bet your name is Quack Quack Quack"
"Why no," the duck replies. "My name is bubbles!"
Added: Sunday 19th November 2006 06:00:02
MAKING CAKES
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Saturday 18th November 2006 06:00:02
CARROT, TOMATO, AND
There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."
The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".
Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".
Added: Saturday 18th November 2006 00:00:04
WHAT'S A PUSSY?
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy and their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy."
The son then asks "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
Added: Friday 17th November 2006 06:00:03
CHARADES
There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back his money.
The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him. Guess that one! he exclaimed, triumphantly.
Ah, that’s easy, the William Tell Overture, responded Tom.
How did you guess? asked Joe. Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!
Added: Tuesday 14th November 2006 00:00:03
PAYCHECK
What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Added: Monday 13th November 2006 18:00:02
HAPPILY MARRIED
There was this couple that got married recently, and they both were happy about the whole thing.
He was happy about the hole....
She was happy about the thing.....
Added: Monday 13th November 2006 00:00:04
DETERMINING SEX
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Added: Sunday 12th November 2006 18:00:03
BUSINESS
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen?" the man asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Certainly," the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 11th November 2006 18:00:02
ANOTHER NAKED LADY
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
Added: Friday 10th November 2006 00:00:04
FREE RIDE HOME
Two girls left the country club late after a game off golf and quite a few drinks.
They drove of on the dark road and not far down the road they missed a curved and the car was stuck in the ditch.
Glady was not buckled up so she was thrown out of the car onto the cow pasture.
Emma alittle dizzy unbuckled and went out to look for her friend. Finally she finds her laying under a cow.
She cries out " Glady are you o.k.? "
"I'M fine, and after I'm through with these men we should be able to get a ride home"
Added: Thursday 9th November 2006 00:00:03
NEW BOOTS
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing an give them a try. After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked?
"I saw the reflection in my shinny new boots", he said.
"Here she said dance with my sister an tell what color she has on", the lady said.
After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs an started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the lady "what color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sign of relief the young man said, "oh good for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."
Added: Wednesday 8th November 2006 12:00:02
TATTOO
A very distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk dress and points to her right inner thigh... very high up.
"Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey, and underneath it I want the word 'Thanksgiving'."
Then she points to her left thigh... just as high up, and says "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'.
The owner looks at her. "Uh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
Added: Wednesday 8th November 2006 00:00:04
PISS TEQUILA
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink it.
Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!!"
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 7th November 2006 18:00:02
HARDWARE STORE
A lady walks into a hardware store and says she's looking for a hinge.
The manager comes over and asks the lady "do you want a screw for the hinge?"
She replies "no but I'll Fuck you for the doorknob."
Added: Tuesday 7th November 2006 06:00:03
TALENTED
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top ofher thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. Theblonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quitealright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make itblow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, whois completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I canalso make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussywinks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
Added: Tuesday 7th November 2006 00:00:03
SUICIDAL
A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal.
That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables. --Jay Leno
Added: Friday 3rd November 2006 06:00:02
WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Added: Wednesday 1st November 2006 12:00:02
WHISTLE
Why do female sky divers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 29th October 2006 18:00:02
SMALL ORGAN
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
Added: Sunday 29th October 2006 06:00:02
ORANGE DICK
A guy goes to the doctor and say’s " Doc my pecker has turned orange."
The doctor takes a look and say’s "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, is it a chemical plant?"
The guy answers "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."
Added: Sunday 29th October 2006 00:00:05
ANGINA
Two residents of an old people's home are getting it on.
The woman stops and says to the old man, "I think I ought to warn you I have acute angina."
The old man looks at her and says: "Yeah, and your boobs aren't bad either!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 28th October 2006 18:00:02
FISH AND CAT STORY
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, “If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Added: Saturday 28th October 2006 00:00:03
SEXUAL POSITION
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Added: Friday 27th October 2006 00:00:04
DESPERATE
I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it very badly.
I haven't had it for a long time and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me, no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until it's very dry.
It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore...
Do you have a piece of gum?
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown
Added: Tuesday 24th October 2006 00:00:03
CHECK YOUR DIRTY IQ
Questions...
1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking?
Added: Monday 23rd October 2006 12:00:02
COMPLETE COVERAGE
Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Saturday 21st October 2006 12:00:02
EAT ME
One day there was this lion and zebra messing around. Until the lion's wife started to come towards them. The lion panic and said to the zebra "Quick hurry! pretend like I'm eating you!"
Ha Ha get it eating you
Added: Saturday 21st October 2006 00:00:04
ONE SHOT MEN
A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country. As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another.
The wife turned to her husband and remonstrated. "Why aren't you men capable of doing things that way?"
"My dear," he answered, "we can if you let us change cows each time!"
Added: Friday 20th October 2006 12:00:03
I NEED IT!
I know I haven't known you for a very long time, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it badly.
I haven't had it for a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs, and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until its very dry.
It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. So.....
Can i have a piece of chewing gum?
Added: Friday 20th October 2006 00:00:04
MOUSE TATTOO
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.
The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My pussy must have eaten it."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 18th October 2006 12:00:03
SEXUAL EXHAUSTION
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Added: Sunday 15th October 2006 18:00:02
DOING 3 KNOTS!
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Friday 13th October 2006 18:00:03
BAD WEATHER
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.
So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 13th October 2006 12:00:02
WART
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
Added: Thursday 12th October 2006 12:00:02
CHASTITY BELT
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 11th October 2006 18:00:02
FANCY DRESS PARTY
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what costume to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation", said the man "I just came in my pants"
Added: Monday 9th October 2006 06:00:02
THE PERFECT DAY
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Added: Sunday 8th October 2006 00:00:03
HALLOWEEN PARTY
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So
he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for
an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the
party.
Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his
time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had
a real good time!"
Added: Friday 6th October 2006 12:00:02
STIFF NECK
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?'
The old man slyly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea.'
Added: Monday 2nd October 2006 12:00:03
PROSTITUTE FEES
A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "How much?"
She replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up."
He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, "It's my hairdresser's fee!"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd October 2006 06:00:02
FAKE BEING SICK
What do kids do when they fake sick?
They watch TV.
They play video games.
They have parties.
What do Adults do when they get sick?
They go around the house naked and flash themselves when a hottie comes or
Call up all their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and fuck them all up.
Submitted by Lol_Girl_72
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 2nd October 2006 00:00:03
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
A man walks up to a woman in his office and says her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes to her supervisor and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit.
Puzzled, the supervisor asks, "What’s wrong with your co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He’s a midget."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 1st October 2006 12:00:02
QUESTION AND ANSWER BLONDE JOKES
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Added: Sunday 1st October 2006 06:00:02
MOOSE HUNTING
Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region.
The pilot drops them off and tells them, "I'll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose."
One of the hunters replies, "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a 'big' tip to take both moose out."
The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and
agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and
strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet.... Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, "Where the heck are we?"
The other looks around and replies, "About 100 yards further than we got
last year!"
Added: Saturday 30th September 2006 06:00:02
JUST SAY "MOO"
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.
As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
Added: Friday 29th September 2006 18:00:02
PUNCTUATION
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!"
Added: Thursday 28th September 2006 00:00:03
FLAT TUMMY
There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away. The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"
The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."
"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy."
The boy said.
"Oh, and why is that?"
The mom asked.
"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
Added: Wednesday 27th September 2006 18:00:02
HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
A girl is complaining about the size of her breasts to her girl friend. She said, "I know I many be shallow, but they're so small. I just can't stand them!"
Her girl friend replied, "Look, don't get an operation or anything like that. I had the same problem and I went to Dr. Michaels and he helped me a lot. Make an appointment."
"You do look good. OK, I'll do it."
She makes the appointment and after the examination Dr. Michaels said, "Look all you need is an exercise program and the improvement will be amazing.
Here's what you do. Stick your chest out and bring it back in. Do that for ten minutes every day.
To help you with the rhythm, do it in time with this poem, Mary had a little lamb, his fleece was white as snow. If I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She did her exercise faithfully everyday, until one day when she forgot. She was on the bus going to work when she remembered that she hadn't done them that morning.
She looked around, and very gently stuck her chest out and back and quietly said, Mary had a little lamb his fleece was white as snow. if I do this everyday, my breasts are sure to grow.
She was startled when a fellow came up and said, "Hey, you go to Dr. Michaels, don't you?"
"Why yes," she said, "but how did you know that?"
He stood up and began gyrating his hips while reciting, Hickory dickory dock.......
Added: Monday 25th September 2006 12:00:03
TIED ARM
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and get yourself a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son 'choking the chicken' again.
"You crazy boy!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae is a fine young gal!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gets tired sometimes!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 25th September 2006 06:00:03
THE RELATIONSHIPS OV
The Relationship with your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."
Added: Saturday 23rd September 2006 12:00:02
SEX RESEARCH
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife 'Three times a night."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
Added: Saturday 23rd September 2006 06:00:02
CHICKEN FARMER
A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year.
"Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. "What are you working as at the moment?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass!
Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Friday 22nd September 2006 00:00:05
MUSTARD
Monica went to the dry cleaners and said," Excuse me, I wold like to get my dress cleaned."
And the little old man was barely able to hear her and said,"What did you say?"
She replied,"I would like to get my dress cleaned sir."
And the old man still could not hear her and said,"Come again?"
She replied."
No, Mustard."
Added: Wednesday 20th September 2006 12:00:02
NUDE BEACH
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
Added: Tuesday 19th September 2006 18:00:03
INTERNS
A cute little nurse is walking along a hospital corridor with one of her breasts exposed.
The staff nurse spots her and berates her for her conduct.
The nurse shakes her head sadly and says. "Those damn interns never put anything away when they are through with it ."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 18th September 2006 00:00:05
INFIDELITY
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?"
she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."
Added: Friday 15th September 2006 18:00:02
MOON RIVER
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops.
"You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way." he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."
The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."
The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business.
Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
Added: Friday 15th September 2006 06:00:02
ON TOP
A man and a woman are having sex, the man on bottom the woman on top.
My question to you: Is this the one time the woman does not mind the man fucking-up?
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 12th September 2006 00:00:04
GETTING ON THE BUS
Ted and his wife where waiting at the bus stop with Harry, his spouse and Harry's nine children.
At last the bus drew up, packed with poeple.
The two women, and the nine children managed to get on. but the men where left behind and had to walk.
After trotting along the road for an hour, Ted's walking stick got on Harry's nerves with its continual tapping.
"Why don't you put a rubber on that stick!" Harry complained.
Ted snapped back "If you'd put a rubber on your stick, we'd have got on that blasted bus."
Added: Monday 11th September 2006 12:00:02
CIGARETTES & TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers, because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
Added: Monday 11th September 2006 00:00:04
SEX ADDICT
So this guy takes his wife to the doctor and tells him that she loves to fuck anything. The doctor tells the guy that he'll have a look at her and to go wait in the waiting room.
The doctor tells the wife to strip naked. She does so and he begins to examine her. He does the normal checkup and then notices that every time he touches her ass she begins to wiggle and squirm about. The temptation to climb on top of her and fuck her brains out became stronger and stronger until he lowers his defense and does it.
The husband hears the moaning and groaning from the office and runs in to see what the fuck is going on. He sees the doctor on top of his wife and says, "Doc! Just what the fuck do you think you are doing?!?!?!?"
The doctor replies "Uh, taking her temperature?"
The husband then takes out his pocket knife and says, "Doc, when you take that thing out there had better be numbers on it!"
Added: Saturday 9th September 2006 06:00:02
AMBITION
An army major visits the sick soldiers to check on morale.
He goes up to one private and asks, "What’s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What’s your ambition?"
"Sir, to fight again, sir."
"Good man," says the major. He goes to the next one. "What’s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic piles, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What’s your ambition?"
"Sir, to fight again, sir."
"Good man," says the major. He goes to the next bed. "What’s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What’s your ambition?"
"Sir, to get the wire brush before the other two, sir."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Saturday 9th September 2006 00:00:06
LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL
The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."
Added: Thursday 7th September 2006 12:00:02
LIFE SAVER'S
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."
"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
Added: Thursday 7th September 2006 00:00:02
LORD OF THE MANOR
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking !"
Added: Tuesday 5th September 2006 06:00:02
ORGASMS
One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives.
Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.
Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"
Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"
Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."
"What's the difference?" asked Kirk.
Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' and the fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 5th September 2006 00:00:04
TESTICLES
Two Amish women are harvesting potatoes one autumn day.
One of the women has two potatoes in her hands.
She looks at the other woman and says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles."
The other woman asks, "Are his testicles that big?"
"No," she says with a sigh. "They're that dirty."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 2nd September 2006 12:00:02
NEW CAR STEREO
I got a new car stereo the other day. One of those new voice activated ones.
You say 'rock' it plays rock, you say 'rap' and it plays rap.
Some kids ran in front of my car the other day i yelled 'Fuck*n kids' and it played Michael Jackson.
Added: Saturday 2nd September 2006 00:00:12
$20 HOOKER
This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
Added: Tuesday 29th August 2006 12:00:02
ANOTHER WOMAN
David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
Added: Monday 28th August 2006 00:00:05
I'VE NEVER BEEN SCRE
An avid jogger was jogging along the beach, when he happened upon a lady with no arms and no legs laying in the sand crying. He stopped and asked the woman why she was crying.
She replied,"because I've never been hugged before".
So he bent down and hugged her, and continued on his way.
The next day during his routine jog he came upon the same woman,lying in the same spot again she was crying. So he asked her "why my dear are you crying?".
She responded with "because I've never been kissed before". So he bent down and kissed her,and continued on his way.
The next day when he went jogging he expected to see the young lady, and there she was still crying, so he said "miss this is the third day that I've seen you laying here crying, what is the reason for your crying today?".
She said through her tears,"I've never been screwed before".
So he bent down, picked her up and threw her in the water.
"There now you're screwed!"
Added: Saturday 26th August 2006 06:00:02
EXCUSES!
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 26th August 2006 00:00:04
SAGGY WHATS?
Q.What did the saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A.If we dont get some support they're gonna think we're nuts!!
Added: Thursday 24th August 2006 18:00:02
BUS STOP SMELL
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c*nt?"
"F#ck off, no you can't smell my c*nt!" the woman yells back at him,
"Oh", he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
Added: Wednesday 23rd August 2006 06:00:03
MORNING ROUNDS
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal
morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending
to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was
hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing
this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but
he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient
#1, "If he's your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the
dark?"
Added: Monday 21st August 2006 18:00:02
MARRIAGE COUNCELING
A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor, who said to them, "Let's start by talking about something the two of you have in common."
The husband thought for a moment and said, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."
Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Edited by yisman
Added: Sunday 20th August 2006 06:00:03
LEAVING HER...
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.
Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"
Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!"
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"
Pierre replied "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake.
Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"
As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
Added: Thursday 17th August 2006 18:00:02
NUMB
It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist.
The doctor leads her to the stirrups, and as she sits down, she's scared to death.
"You're nervous aren't you?" asks the gynecologist.
"Yes," admits the girl. "I've never been to the gynecologist before."
"Well, then," he says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Please."
So he sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num, num. . . ."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Thursday 17th August 2006 06:00:06
CAMEL RIDE
A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost where he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks.
He asks his sergeant what it is for.
"Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do, they use the camel."
"Gosh," says the captain, "Well if it's good for morale, it's fine by me."
The captain soon becomes frustrated himself and finally tells the sergeant to bring him the camel.
The sergeant shrugs his shoulders and brings the camel to the captain's quarters.
The captain gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replies, "Well no, sir, usually they just ride the camel to the nearest brothel."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman
Added: Tuesday 15th August 2006 12:00:02
DYING OF CANCER
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father who was an irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"
The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I dont want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."
Added: Monday 14th August 2006 18:00:02
PROBLEM
A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "I've got this problem."
The psychiatrist asks, "What is it?"
"Well, during the day I'm attracted to women, and for some reason at night I'm attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?"
The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says, "This sounds like a classic case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hiney."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
Added: Monday 14th August 2006 12:00:03
NEW BOOTS
A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can't wait to show them to his wife.
Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed.
He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.
As his wife emerges from the bathroom, her husband asks, "Well, honey, do you notice anything special?"
To which the wife replies, "Yeah, it's limp!"
"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"
The wife looks at him and says, "Well next time buy a hat."
Added: Friday 11th August 2006 12:00:08
CONDOMS
What do you do with 365 used condoms ? melt them down make a tire and call it a good year !
Added: Thursday 10th August 2006 12:00:02
40 YEAR OLDS
What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Added: Wednesday 9th August 2006 00:00:06
PIZZA!
One night after prom a guy took a girl on a dead end road and she was like where are we at? The guy replied this is where guys and girls go to have sex after prom! She was like ol ok! The guy was then like do you wanna have sex and the girl replied no and the guy was like why not?!?! The girl was like because im on my period. The guy said ok well then can i eat you out and the again replied no im on my period. So they sat there for awhile and the guy was finally like well then can i finger you and she replied ok. Then not to long after that a cop pulled up and came up and knocked on the window of the car. So the guy rolls down the window and says is there a problem officer? The officer was like no but what are you kids doin and the boy replied while licking his fingers eatin pizza.
Added: Tuesday 8th August 2006 00:00:07
COLLEGE EXAM
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Added: Saturday 5th August 2006 18:00:02
ENLARGEMENT
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Added: Saturday 5th August 2006 12:00:02
THAT DIRTY!
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket.
When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 4th August 2006 06:00:03
MAN FROM BANDOO
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo
Added: Thursday 3rd August 2006 18:00:03
BANANA AND THE VIBRA
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Added: Wednesday 2nd August 2006 06:00:03
COUNTRY BOYS 1ST
There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia. The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since. So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father's advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone. So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship. He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.
They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shys away.
"What's wrong?" she asks. "Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there" replied the young man.
"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."
So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts. "Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."
Added: Tuesday 1st August 2006 06:00:05
PAMELA ANDERSON
What's the best way to catch Pamela Anderson in the woods?
Use a booby trap!
Added: Tuesday 1st August 2006 00:00:06
SQUIRREL LOVE
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"
Added: Monday 31st July 2006 00:00:03
OLD MAN
An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions.
Yes, says the Doctor I would advise you to take in a boarder.
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks, so you took my advise and took in a boarder ?
Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also.....
Added: Saturday 29th July 2006 12:00:05
WEEKEND AT DAVES..
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.
"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.
"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."
Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"
"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."
Added: Saturday 29th July 2006 00:00:02
GREATEST PEOPLE ON A
Who is the greatest man on a nude beach: The guy who can fit the most doughnuts on his dick
Who is the greatest woman on a nude beach: The woman who can eat all the doughnuts without her hands
Added: Friday 28th July 2006 18:00:03
PRIEST
One day a preist was stsanding at a bus corner when a child walked up to him and said "why are you wearing your collar backwards?" the preist answered becase i am a father. The boy said I know but that still dosent explain why you collar is backwards. The preist said no you missunderstood me I am a father of thousands millions the boy then said well you should wair your pants backwards then
Added: Wednesday 26th July 2006 18:00:03
JUST WEAR SOMETHING
The young bride's mother had some old fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised.
"You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered.
"Why?
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Added: Wednesday 26th July 2006 12:00:03
QUICHE FOR LUNCH
This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.
A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.
The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'.
The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'.
The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...'
Added: Tuesday 25th July 2006 12:00:04
LOST MY CAR
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
Added: Tuesday 25th July 2006 06:00:12
2 PROSTITUTES
there was two prostitutes sat on a wall. One says to the other: "i can smell cock" To which the other replies: "oh sorry, i just burped"
Added: Saturday 22nd July 2006 12:00:07
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Added: Friday 21st July 2006 18:00:06
SHOPPING FOR A WEDDI
The Mother and daughter were shopping for the girl's bridal gown. The Mother said, "Thank goodness, I'll see you get married in white," the Mother said.
"Why's that Mother ?"
the daughter asked.
"Well dear, to be honest, only a virgin should be married in a white gown; otherwise, lavender is used."
"Oh!" replied the girl.
"Well, how about a white gown with lavender trim?"
Added: Wednesday 19th July 2006 23:48:55
DON'T BELONG
Which of these three don't belong?
A Green Bean
A Soy Bean
A Vibrator
The Green Bean. The other two are meat substitutes.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 18th July 2006 05:49:23
EASILY EXPLAINED
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
Added: Monday 17th July 2006 23:49:21
PAINTERS
A beautiful girl is lying on a gurney, about to undergo a minor surgery.
She is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone.
While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body.
He walks away and talks to another guy in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her.
When a third man begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient.
“All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough,” she says. “But when will I be having my operation?”
The first man shrugs his shoulders. “Beats me. We’re just painting the hall.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Monday 17th July 2006 17:49:25
BLOOD TEST
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test too?"
Added: Monday 17th July 2006 05:49:29
MAN EATS LIGHT BULBS
A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, "Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?"
The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?"
The boy replies, "The other night when you didn't know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, 'Turn out the light Honey, and I'll eat it!'"
Added: Sunday 16th July 2006 05:49:43
'SEX STATISTICS'
A man gets on train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called 'Sex Statistics'
"Any good?" he asks.
"Fascinating," she replies "Apparently, American Indians have the widest dicks, and Polish men the longest.
By the way I am Jane."
"Hi," he says, "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Friday 14th July 2006 23:50:01
SEX AND CALORIES
How much weight do we lose during sex?
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
EXAMPLES:
1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit card): 15 If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12 Without partner's consent: 187 Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15 Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100 You don't mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top; man hiding): 15 American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612 Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5 Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 Expression didn't change: 0.5 Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15 "It must have been something we ate": 15 "Was it good for you?"
: 15 "Are you finished?"
: 15
TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While parking car: 212
SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22 Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm: not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160
Added: Wednesday 12th July 2006 17:50:30
I NOT COME TO WORK
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Added: Wednesday 12th July 2006 11:50:34
THE BIG BAD WOLF
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
Added: Tuesday 11th July 2006 23:50:35
BAKING BREAD
Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana.
Instructions:
1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but, "do not lick the bowl."
NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 11th July 2006 17:59:03
HONEY BEE
what did the bee say to the wind. don't blow me now i just layed my honey
Added: Monday 10th July 2006 23:50:48
TAX RETURN
There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Added: Saturday 8th July 2006 11:51:25
TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTIO
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"
Added: Saturday 8th July 2006 05:51:27
HE WRITES THE SONGS
The owner of a world-class hotel is in desperate need of a pianist for the grand piano in the lobby.
He sees hundreds of applicants, but none are qualified.
Finally, a bum wearing torn clothes, reeking of alcohol and sporting a scraggly old beard applies.
The owner reluctantly agrees to give him a try, and the bum plays the most beautiful songs ever.
When asked the names of the songs, the bum says, "The first one’s called ‘Pull My Pants Down and Slap My Ass’ and the second was ‘Scratch My Leg and Suck My Balls.’"
Dumbfounded, the owner gives the bum the job along with some cash to get cleaned up.
The next day, the bum comes back, clean except for his pants, which are still the torn rags he wore the day before.
The owner says, "Fine, just sit on the bench, hide your legs and don’t talk to anyone. I don’t want people to be offended by your foul language."
After several hours, a woman stops to admire the music.
Suddenly, she looks down and says, "Sir, do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are hanging out?"
To which the bum replies, "Know it? I wrote the son-of-a-bitch!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Wednesday 5th July 2006 17:52:00
POOR KIDS
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
Added: Tuesday 4th July 2006 23:52:10
YUPPIE, DINK, WIFE..
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guys says "I'm a DINK...ya know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied..."I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc
Added: Tuesday 4th July 2006 17:52:15
THE PRINCE AND THE P
Prince Charming gets very drunk at the ball and ends up staggering out of the palace and into the Royal Vegetable Garden. When the Queen realises that he's missing, she sends all the palace guards out in search of her son.
In just minutes, the head guard finds the errant prince having a jolly good time thrusting his royal dick into a hole in the side of a large, ripe pumpkin.
"Prince Charming!" cries the guard.
"Forgive me for interrupting, but... Do you realise you're fucking a pumpkin?"
The prince stops what he's doing and pulls back to examine the violated pumpkin.
"Oh, my," says the drunken prince.
"Is it midnight already?"
Added: Monday 3rd July 2006 23:52:24
DOGGIE STYLE
One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them.
"They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom.
As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
Added: Monday 3rd July 2006 11:52:31
VIETNAM?
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969?"
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Monday 3rd July 2006 05:52:37
MAKIN MONEY
you might be a ugly ho if...
if your only way to get money is to go to a strip club and be payed to keep your clothes on.
Added: Saturday 1st July 2006 23:52:52
HEADACHE CURE
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"
Added: Saturday 1st July 2006 11:52:59
CIGARETTE WARNINGS
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.
How about something like this:
* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
Added: Saturday 1st July 2006 05:53:03
POLITICS
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "
"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."
"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing, hottrouble1 and curtis
Added: Friday 30th June 2006 11:53:12
DIRTY PICTURES
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem. I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist replies, "Well let's see what we can find out," as he pulled out his ink blots.
Showing the man the first ink blot he asks, "What is this a picture of?"
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist replies with, "very interesting." He shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks at it, turning it in different directions then says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists resumes with the third ink blot and asks, "What is this a picture of?"
Again the patient turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine and Curtis
Added: Friday 30th June 2006 05:53:18
OOMPF OOMPF BOOM
One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes up to the clerk and says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"
Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked.
The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"
The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked.
The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed."
The chief yells "LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!!!....RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ..... DICK GO OOMPH!!..... CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!......... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!"
Added: Wednesday 28th June 2006 11:53:42
NUDIST CAMPERS
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
---
who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
The girl who can eat the last onion ring.
Added: Tuesday 27th June 2006 17:53:53
INTIMATE CELLMATES
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."
Joe replied.
"Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...
Added: Tuesday 27th June 2006 05:53:59
GIVE
If the blood bank says "Give Blood", then what does the sperm bank say?
"Give Head"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Friday 23rd June 2006 00:56:40
MARRIED LIFE
How life is when you’re married
Letter from the husband to the wife
Dear wife:
Due to the fact that talking to you is impossible (because you never shut up)
I have taken the liberty to inform you , through this letter , some things that
have made me feel unconfortable
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 315 times.
I only had you 36 times , that means , once every ten days. The following is a list
of why I failed:
1- “We are going to wake the kids up” …………12
2- “It's too early” …………17
3- “I’m too tired” …………33
4- "It's too late"…………11
5- "It's too hot"…………18
6- You faked that you were asleep…………39
7- "It's too cold"…………22
8- "My head hurts"…………27
9- "I don't feel good"…………8
10- "you haven't take a shower"…………5
11- "I got my period"…………12
The 36 times that I had you weren't really satifactory for me , because :
6 times you were just lying there
4 times you asked me to hurry up coming
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I was done and you scared me
because after that you were breathing really fast
I'll be waiting in a response from you
love
Your husband
letter from the wife to the husband
Dear husband:
Now you have pissed me off , here's the reasons of why you didn't get me all
those times:
1- Coming back home drunk14
2- Not coming back home30
3- It wasn't hard enough16
4- It didn't got hard at all34
5- It only got a little bit hard25
6- It got hurt with the zipper13
7- You had a cold and a nasty runny nose7
8- You tried to stuck it in my ass thinking 9
that it was my pussy (yeah right)12
9- You got yourself off after reading a porno magazine5
And about the times that "I was just lying there" , the only reason I was like that
was because you were doing the sheets and you looked so excited that I didn't
wanted to ruin your moment
And that time when I got up breathing really fast , well … while you were
doing your "so passionate" moves … you farted and I couldn't breath so
I hope that now that you know all this … get the answers you've been looking for "DEAR"
love
Your wife
Added: Thursday 22nd June 2006 06:56:51
WHAT TO WEAR WITH THE IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS,
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think
you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them
intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him
of the conflicting advice, and requested some
resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother
what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy,
long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.' But when she asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have
to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear,
you are going to get screwed."
Added: Thursday 22nd June 2006 00:56:55
THERMOS
A girl gets hired as a cashier at an adult video store.
Before leaving for lunch the boss says, "Try to sell some of those sex toys & vibrators".
A moment later, the girl sees a women come in the store so she points out the shelf of dildos and vibrators.
The woman browses in disinterest, and says, "How much is that plaid one?"
Later the boss returns and asks if it's been busy.
"No", says the cashier, "but I sold your thermos for $30.00!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Wednesday 21st June 2006 12:57:04
6.9
Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Tuesday 20th June 2006 06:57:18
WHAT DAYS
I asked my boyfriend yesterday what days he preferred to engage in sexual activity.
He answered " Tuesdays, Thursdays,Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 19th June 2006 05:52:30
SEX PROBLEM
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc."
"Well," says the quack, "Tell me about your average day."
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 AM for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."
"Oh, I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," said the young man, "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there."
"Oh...now I see," said the quack.
"No, no you don't," said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."
"Oh, now I see," said the quack.
"No, no, no," said the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie."
"Now I understand," said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on," said the bloke. "When I get back to the office in the afternoon, my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack."
"Ahhh...." said the doctor, "Now I see.."
"No, there's more," said our man. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me that she give me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards."
"Just what is your problem?," asked the doc.
"Well...." said our hero, "It hurts when I wank!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and yisman
Added: Sunday 18th June 2006 23:52:33
MOTHER OF SIX
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Added: Saturday 17th June 2006 11:52:54
RANDY THE ROOSTER
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
Added: Friday 16th June 2006 09:52:41
DADDYS HOME
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
Added: Thursday 15th June 2006 06:14:30
RUBBER ON THE END
A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and BreeBrown
Added: Thursday 15th June 2006 00:14:30
WAKING UP LATE
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Added: Wednesday 14th June 2006 12:14:29
THE THREE DUCKS
There were these three ducks sitting in a pond. A police officer, Officer Duckey, came by one day and saw them there. He decided to arrest the ducks and take them to see the magistrate. When in the courtroom, the magistrate called the first duck to the stand. he said to the first duck, "What were you doing in the pond?"
The duck replied, "I was just blowing bubbles in the water."
The magistrate says, "Well, there isn't anything wrong with that. You may go."
Next he calls up duck number two.
"What were you doing in the pond?"
Duck number two says the same as number one.
"I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."
The magistrate says, "Nothing wrong with that. You may leave."
Finally he calls the third duck up to the stand.
"What were you doing in the pond?"
The third duck gets a huge grin on his face and says, "I'm Bubbles."
Added: Monday 12th June 2006 12:14:28
PARTY FOR TWO!
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run."
"Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there, thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Sunday 11th June 2006 12:14:28
HAVE YOU EVER WOUNDE
Why do men pay more for car insurance than women? Because women don't get blow jobs!
Added: Friday 9th June 2006 00:14:26
TRIP TO VEGAS
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback.
"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively.
"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Added: Thursday 8th June 2006 12:14:26
ABE LINCOLN
Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.
So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest
to impress my woman while we make love?"
George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't
you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"
So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?
John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"
So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"
Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.
About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"
Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"
Editted by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 7th June 2006 06:14:25
VASELINE USES
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."
Added: Tuesday 6th June 2006 12:14:25
ALL SWOLLEN
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his 'Little Willie' and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Monday 5th June 2006 12:14:23
GORILLA HEADACHE
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs."
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Added: Saturday 3rd June 2006 12:14:22
MAKE ME AN UNCLE
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"
"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Friday 2nd June 2006 18:14:21
TIGHTROPE & BJ
What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?
You just have to remember one thing --- Don't look down!!
Added: Friday 2nd June 2006 00:14:20
PROMOTION
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent he's not sure which to choose.
So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places £800 on each of their desks.
The first one returns it to him immediately.
The second one invests in the market and returns £1500 to him the next morning.
The third one pockets the money.
Who got the promotion?
The one with the big boobs!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 31st May 2006 00:14:19
MOUSE
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis and yisman
Added: Tuesday 30th May 2006 00:14:19
PROFESSIONAL PUNISHM
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Added: Monday 29th May 2006 06:14:18
RETURNED UNOPENED
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Added: Sunday 28th May 2006 12:14:17
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINAT
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
Added: Thursday 25th May 2006 12:14:16
SUCK IT OFF!
Three boys lived in an old apartment building.
Their parents warned them against going in the basement, because a crazy old lady lived down there.
One day, the boys were bored, so of course they decided to go see the crazy old lady, and of course she caught them.
"Now you'll pay!" she cackled, "I'm going to cut off your special parts with the whatever your fathers use at work!"
She went to the first little boy and said "What job does your father have?"
"He's a lumberjack!"
So she cut off his penis with an axe.
The next little boy said his dad was a computer technician, so she sawed his off with a memory chip.
When the old lady came to the last little boy, she was confused to see him laughing hysterically.
Trying to sound menacing, she towered over the boy and said, "I'll chop it off!"
The boy stopped laughing for a minute. "Well, my dad works at a candy factory, in the lollipop department. You're gonna half to suck it off instead!"
Submitted by hotpinkheels
Edited by Curtis
Added: Tuesday 23rd May 2006 18:14:14
HE SAID SHE SAID...
He Said...She Said:
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 20th May 2006 23:52:18
CLASS ASSIGNMENT
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuse will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to write that note with your other hand."
Added: Friday 19th May 2006 17:52:17
ON SALE NOW!
A man went into a store and began looking around.
He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.
He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
"How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 18th May 2006 17:52:16
A CONSTRUCTION WORKER
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope, " replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Added: Thursday 18th May 2006 05:52:17
LIES IN TEXAS
1. I bought that truck new.
2. I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
3. I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.
Added: Tuesday 16th May 2006 17:52:15
MALE STRIP CLUB
What do you call a male strip club?
A cockpit.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Added: Sunday 14th May 2006 17:52:14
RANDY MOUSE
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Added: Saturday 13th May 2006 17:52:14
NURSING HOME
I passed by the nursing home & there were six old ladies lying naked in the front grass.
I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk & I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today.
On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard & to quench my curiosity, I went inside & asked to speak to the director of the facility.
When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes I know".
"They're retired prostitutes & they're having a yard sale!"
Editted by Calamjo
Added: Saturday 13th May 2006 11:52:14
SANDPAPER
Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Wednesday 10th May 2006 17:52:12
PHALLIC SYMBOL
Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy.
When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.
"Well," said the analyst, "The best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker.
"This is a phallus."
"Oh," said the girl. "It's like a prick, only smaller."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Tuesday 9th May 2006 23:52:11
JOHNNY FUCKHAUER
n the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll.
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy.
"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed.
"Tell me your real name."
"That is my real name," Johnny insisted.
"You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall.
"Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
Miss Torch asked the class.
"Hell no," a bold lad retorted.
"We don't even get a cookie break!"
Added: Tuesday 9th May 2006 11:52:12
IN TOO DEEP
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".
She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"
He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
Added: Sunday 7th May 2006 11:52:10
THE LADY AND THE SHE
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn’t familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up along side her and said, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book”, she replied…as she thought to herself, “Isn’t it obvious”? “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape”, snapped the irate woman. “But, I haven’t even touched you,” groused the sheriff. “Yes, that’s true,” she replied, “but you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
Added: Sunday 7th May 2006 05:52:10
ONE WISH..
A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife!"
Added: Saturday 6th May 2006 17:52:09
TOM CAT
Did you hear about the thrifty Tom Cat?
He put a little in the kitty every night.
Added: Friday 5th May 2006 17:52:08
CURTAINS
What is the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says, "Faster, faster."
A lover says, "Slower, slower."
A housewife says, "Curtains...I think I need new curtains!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Added: Wednesday 3rd May 2006 23:52:06
BAR
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by calamjo
Added: Wednesday 3rd May 2006 11:52:07
AFTERNOON QUICKIE
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied
Added: Monday 1st May 2006 05:52:06
MRS JOHNSON
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Added: Sunday 30th April 2006 11:52:05
ANNA NICOLE SMITH
Anna Nicole Smith had another "wardrobe malfunction" when she accidentally flashed her breasts during a performance at the Grand Ole Opry.
In a related story, there was the first reported instance of someone actually enjoying Anna Nicole Smith's performance at the Grand Ole Opry.
-Rob Bates
Added: Friday 28th April 2006 23:52:03
A SCROTE
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
Added: Thursday 27th April 2006 07:52:03
|
|
|
