DIRTY JOKES (updated Wednesday 19th June 2013 18:00:01 EDT)
THE AUTOMATED DOCTOR
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
Added: Tuesday 30th August 2011 12:00:01
CAT AND RABBIT
What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?
A pussy hare.
Added: Tuesday 30th August 2011 06:00:01
IRISH BLONDE LADY
An irish blonde lady went to the doctor, complaining that the Pill kept falling off.
Added: Tuesday 30th August 2011 00:00:01
THE WIFE & THE MAILMAN
It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!"
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 18:00:01
WHAT TO DO IN A CRISIS
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde
in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street
and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the
middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg
was broken, his skull wasfractured, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my
training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 12:00:01
SWEET AS CANDY
One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.
So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.
He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.
It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.
This is Wonderbar!
He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.
She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M's.
Miss Hershey said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".
To which Mr. Goodbar replied, "When you're this big they call you Mr. Big".
Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 06:00:02
Man walks into a bar.
Added: Monday 29th August 2011 00:00:01
A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time.
Like when he's on trial for child molestation. --Jay Leno
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 18:00:01
A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 12:00:02
HORSES AT THE RACE
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 06:00:01
THE CRASHING PLANE
An Englishman, an American, a German and a Jew are on a
plane. The plane has too many people on it and it's beginning
The Englishman says, "This is for you Tony Blair" and jumps
The American says, "This is for you Bill Clinton" and jumps
Then the German says "This is for you Hitler" and throws the
Jew off the plane.
Added: Sunday 28th August 2011 00:00:01
TAKING IT WITH YOU
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 18:00:01
THE PRISON HOSPITAL
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 12:00:01
MARRIAGE QUOTES 11
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 06:00:02
What do you call a cat who's swallowed a duck?
A duck-filled fatty puss!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 27th August 2011 00:00:01
IRISHMAN DRUNK AND F
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 18:00:01
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 12:00:01
A fellow decides to take off from work early to go see his gilfriend but his wife didn't know he had a girlfriend. He had sex with his girlfriend and then he went home to go have sex with his wife she was crazy over him.
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 06:00:09
A rabbit walks into a pub, and orders a cheese and ham toasted sandwich.
He wolfs this down, and follows it with a carrot toasted sandwich, and finally a ham and onion toasted sandwich.
Finally stuffed full, he wanders out into the night, burping.
The next day, the Landlord sees the rabbit again, wearing dark glasses and looking very much the worse for wear.
"Wow!" He says, "What on earth happened to you?"
"Mixing my toasties" the rabbit muttered.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤
Added: Friday 26th August 2011 00:00:01
4 KINDS OF ORGASM
There are four kinds of orgasm: positive, negative, religious and fake.
The positive goes, "Yes, yes, yes ,yes!"
The negative goes, "No, no, no, no!"
The religious goes, "Oh God, God, God, God!"
And the fake goes, "..., ..., ..., ...! (Fill in the name of your lover in the blank spaces.)
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 25th August 2011 18:00:01