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DIRTY JOKES (updated Saturday 4th July 2009 00:00:01 EDT)
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CINDERELLA'S BALL
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?"Cough, gag, choke...."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Saturday 4th July 2009 00:00:01
NEW LAWYER
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 18:00:01
BAD NEWS
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.""Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile."
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 12:00:01
NEW SECRETARY
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 06:00:04
BOYZ-2-MEN
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Added: Friday 3rd July 2009 00:00:01
EFFICIENCY EXPERT
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.""Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 18:00:01
LESBIAN OPERATION.
What is a lesbians common operation called?. A Strapadicktome.Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 12:00:02
CELEBRATE
If lovers celebrate Valentine's day what do MP's celebrate?Palm Sunday!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 06:00:04
DRINK, DANCE AND ...
Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.
Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
Added: Thursday 2nd July 2009 00:00:01
STEVEN WRIGHT 13
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 18:00:02
25 CENTS
You're all bruised. What happened?I called my girl friend a two-bit whore and she hit me with a bag of quarters.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 12:00:02
BAD SEX ED GRADE
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 06:00:04
SELF HELP GROUPS
How can there be self-help "groups"?Added: Wednesday 1st July 2009 00:00:01
PLAYING MAGIC
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “Want to play Magic?”She says, “What’s that?”
He says, “We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 18:00:01
RED NECK ON THE JURY
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would getthe electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck
was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He
told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could
convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to
manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict
of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house,
told him what a great job he had done and paid him the
$10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the
rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They
all wanted to let him go.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 12:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 58
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 06:00:04
HEEL!
A Christian couple felt it important to own an equallyfundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to
look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal,
and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of
their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called in the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
Added: Tuesday 30th June 2009 00:00:01
SPEEDING BLONDE
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works."I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???"
replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?"
asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?"
asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment."
said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute."
said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes."
replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?"
asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes."
replied the cop.
"Here's what you do."
said the dispatcher.
"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate."
exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it."
said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs.....
"Ohh no... not another breathalyser.
Added: Monday 29th June 2009 18:00:01
LAYED OFF
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?Added: Monday 29th June 2009 12:00:02
ANGEL
Two mates were in a pub discussing the merits of their girlfriends.The first guy says, very proudly "My girlfriend is an angel"
The second guy retorts "You're lucky mate, mine's still alive!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Added: Monday 29th June 2009 06:00:04