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DIRTY JOKES (updated Wednesday 10th March 2010 18:00:01 EDT)
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I'LL DRINK TO THAT
A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend. A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop." The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss. The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp, but the girlfriend pulls him away. "If that guy even looks at you again, I'm going to kill him!" the boyfriend declared. After a couple of minutes, the drunk came over to the couple again and said "If you were my woman, I'd turn you upside-down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry with one swallow." The boyfriend just took the girl's arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar. She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her. He replied, "If he can drink that much beer, he's a better than than I am."
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 18:00:01
TIME FLIES...
Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana.Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 12:00:01
DESERTED ISLAND
Two men were deserted on an island. One man was pacing backand forth, back and forth. He was crying. "We're never
getting off this island!! All my relatives are gonna blow all
my money that I've worked so hard for. I'm a millionare ya
know!"
The other man just sat there and looked at the man and said,
"Yes, I'm a millionare too."
The man that was pacing just stared then finally asked,
"You're not scared that your family's gonna blow it all, and
that we're gonna die on this island?"
The man responded, "No, I'm not gonna die on this island.
You see, I go to church, and my pastor's gonna find me!"
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 06:00:01
GOOD.. BAD.. WORSE
Good: You're having sex.Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt.
Worse: You liked it.
Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room "studying"
Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.
Worse: He's in them.
Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.
Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting.....
Worse: ......with corrections.
Added: Wednesday 10th March 2010 00:00:01
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE
What is the difference between an Iranian and an Iraqi?Same dad, different camel.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 18:00:01
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS FOR AN ATTORNEY
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; andWhereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 12:00:01
MONICA'S DRESS
Q: What did they find in Monica Lewinsky's dress pocket?
A: A wad of bills
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 06:00:01
TOO FAST
Two cannibals are sitting down to eat a great big fat guy that they had just killed, and they are discussing who gets to eat what.So they decide that one will start at his head, and the other at his toes.
So they are eating away and one cannibal says to the other, "Hey man this guy is delicious, isn't this great?"
And the other cannibal says, "Yeah, this is excellent, I am having a ball!"
And the first cannibal yells back, "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman
Added: Tuesday 9th March 2010 00:00:01
BUSINESS ONE-LINERS 22
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 18:00:01
M & M FACTORY
Q: Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M&Mcompany?
A: Because she throw away all the w's
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 12:00:02
DOCTOR! I SWALLOWED A PILLOW!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 06:00:01
LIGHTS AND SIREN
A blonde and a brunette were going to a party.The brunette was driving and speeding because they were running late.
All of a sudden they hear sirens.
The brunette asked the blonde if the cops were after them.
The blonde replied "yes, no, yes, no, yes..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Added: Monday 8th March 2010 00:00:01
SEND THE WINE BACK
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at hisregular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,
then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
Submitted by Verlaine
Editted by Curtis
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 18:00:01
VALENTINES, REDNECK
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 12:00:01
THE TWELVE DAYS OF WINDOWS 95
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .Windows 95 for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
9 apps a crashin'
8 megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
12 illegal operations
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 06:00:01
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF 50
You might be a redneck if...You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Added: Sunday 7th March 2010 00:00:01
HILLARY NEEDS A GLASS OF WATER
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in bed late one nightwhen Hillary
tugged on his elbow and asked, "Bill, are you awake?"
"What do you want?"
"I need a glass of water."
"Are you kidding? I'm the President of the United States.
I'm not
getting you a glass of water. I don't get anyone a glass of
water,
especially not in the middle of the night!"
"I'll get the water myself, "Hillary said. "I just wanted
you to save
my place."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 18:00:01
DISAPPEARING CRAYONS
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloringbooks.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them
crayons?"
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 12:00:01
DID GOD MAKE ME?
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when sheasked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God
make me too?"
"Yes, God made you," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror,
while her grandfather wondered what was running through her
mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job
lately."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 06:00:01
SCREW FOR THE HINGE
A lady walks into a hardware store and says she's looking for a hinge.The manager comes over and asks the lady "do you want a screw for the hinge?"
She replies "no but I'll F*ck you for the doorknob."
Added: Saturday 6th March 2010 00:00:01