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DIRTY JOKES (updated Sunday 1st August 2010 00:00:01 EDT)
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RIVER OF GOD
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. Withgreat expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the
world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he
then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the
River'."
Added: Sunday 1st August 2010 00:00:01
LITTLE RED RIDING HO
Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!"
Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 18:00:01
COMPUTER CAMP
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to
turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must
be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal
10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner
to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire
-- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for
weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that
specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had
known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't
explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
-----------------------------------
Letter # 1 ---------- The kids are dorky nerds. The food
stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning
how to program. Late at night is the best time to program,
so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2 ------------- Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the
way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now.
Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It's spell checked too.
Letter # 3 ------------- Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories
by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat.
I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very
often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight
anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food
too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4 ------------- Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is
the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony
worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you
send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did
you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my
regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5 ------------- Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not
pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm
real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's
really easy! I got into the university's in less than
fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to
show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore.
So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6 ------------- Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so
upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe
me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud
of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A
publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid
for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7 ------------- Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only
ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do
not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable
(i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers).
I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It's been two
weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's
probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by
printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a
life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank
you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 12:00:01
AN HOUR FAST
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde."I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me." said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 06:00:01
A1 LASSY
A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer.He then went to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens.
He didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand and hold each chicken under you arms.
He did this and started to walk home. Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging out of a low cut dress.
She looked lost. He asked "Lassy can I help you, you look lost?"
She replied, "I am, I'm looking for my Uncle Mr. Simms.
The farmer said, "Why he's my neighbor, follow me there."
So off they went, he was getting tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?"
"Now how can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and chickens I carry?" he said.
She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground, the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and I'll hold the chickens!"
Added: Saturday 31st July 2010 00:00:02
HOLE BEHIND YOU
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 18:00:01
THE REDNECK ANIMAL PARK
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rarespecies of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very "in the
mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,
there were no male gorillas of the species available. While
reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the
park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I
don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never
tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly
agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500."
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 12:00:01
THE BUFFALO THEORY
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 06:00:02
TOAST
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Added: Friday 30th July 2010 00:00:01
JUST A JUGGALO
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat."Sir," the cop says.
"Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop.
"Prove it."
So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 18:00:01
BLONDE
One day a bernett a blonde and a green head walked into a barber shop, the blonde was first the barber said what nice hair you have then the baraber walks up to the bernett and says what nice hair you have then the barber walked up to the green head and said what nice hair you have where you get it ( wipes her nose up to her hair) I dont knowAdded: Thursday 29th July 2010 12:00:01
A KIND LAWYER
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back ofhis limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the
other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for
his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
almost a foot tall."
Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 06:00:01
COME TO ME
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying: "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Added: Thursday 29th July 2010 00:00:02
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to thefirst man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now."
Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 18:00:01
WHICH TO SHOOT?
You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and alawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you
do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 12:00:01
TWO IRISHMEN
this Irishman walks into a bar and he notices down at the end of the bar, threes a guy that looks identical to himself. he walks up to the man and says, my gosh man, we look a like. the Irishman at the bar said, your right my man, we sure do. the other Irishman said, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, that is amazing, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, well tell me chap, what city in Ireland are you from? Dublin, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, IM also from Dublin the other Irishman said, well what school did you go to in Dublin? St. Francis my friend, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, i also went to St. Francis, my gosh we both came here from Ireland, from the same city, the same school, this is really amazing. about that time this other guy comes in and sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, whets up Sam? the bartender says oh nothing much, with a bored look on his face, he motions with his thumb toward the two Irishmen and says, the O'Malley twins are drunk again.Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 06:00:01
BEAUTIFUL
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Added: Wednesday 28th July 2010 00:00:01
SCERDRIVER
What did the screw say to the screwdriver?Scew me now!
Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 18:00:01
NATIVE AMERICAN HEARS
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 12:00:01
MEN SHOULD LISTEN
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Added: Tuesday 27th July 2010 06:00:01